My Wife outed me....twice.

[Ashley_in_Texas]

When I came out to my wife, I asked her not to tell ANYONE at all.
Last week, my wife and I were talking, and she told me that she informed her friend T_____y about me.:eek: Here friend told here that it is more common than most people think. (her mom is a therapist, so she hears from her) At first, I expected to be absolutly IRATE about it, but I wasn't. I actually felt a little more at ease about the whole thing. Maybe because that is one less person I have to hide it from.
Then, yesterday afternoon, we were sitting on the deck watching 12 or more hummingbirds buzzing around. We were enjoying the peace and quiet, and started chatting. She looked at me, smiled while biting her lower lip, and said "I told A___e as well. (her brother's wife):doh: I immediatly knew what she was talking about, and again expected to be upset, at the very least, but I was not. I did react by saying "WHAT, excuse me, but didn't I ask you not to tell ANYONE? Who else have you told?" "Thats it, just T_____y and A____e" she said. Again, I felt more at peace, when she said that A____e thought it was cool. "COOL" is not the reaction I would have expected. "WTF" would have been my guess.
I think the fact that my wife was able to talk to them about it, has helped her and I both. Both T____y and A____e live about 3 hours away, so they are not people that we see that often. Which is good, because I need time to process all of this, and decide whether to chat with them about it, or just be quiet. At this point, I actually like the idea of the four of us sitting around and talking. Then maybe some shopping and a makeover. That would be nice.:D I just want to hug them for some reason.:hugs:

[Rhonda Jean]

Wouldn't you have loved to hear those conversations! Cool that she was comfortable doing that. You're very lucky.. Outing usually occurs under, let's say, less than loving conditions.

[icequeen]

I will not tell anyone about my SO dressing, that is for him to do when he is ready. I came here to get guidence and find people to talk to about it when I'm lost upset or confused. I want to accept him for who he is...all sides of him, it's not something I can just blurt out to anyone, I don't want anyone to judge him, he is a beautiful person inside and out and it's our lil secret until he is ready for anyone else to know. :)

[Julieanne]

It's great that things turned out so well, but it's unclear whether or not your wife agreed with your request not to tell anybody. If she did and then told anyway...

[Bethany38]

Ashley,

I am glad you are having good feelings about the whole coming out deal, and having your wife tell two people that y'all know. I know what you mean about feeling relief at the fact of them knowing. I felt the same way when I started telling people. It makes one feel so much more free to be able to express ones self freely.:) I hope everything continues to go good for you.

[sherri52]

My first wife outed me to my sister. Too bad my sister alresdy knew. Good luck in the future, You'll be dressing for the three of them soon. You know they will have to see you dressed. Make the best of it.

[Jennifer_Cross]

For me.... That's the TRUST out of the window!

Jen

[5150 Girl]

Well,, my SO tells the tale all the time. Almost bragingly in fact. I guess it's partly my fault, as when we got together, I just assumed that people just automaticly knew that this kind of thing was a secrete to be kept.
So after I realized that she had been bragging to her kids, family, and all her freinds about what a gorgus girl I made, I had to tell her that, ummm,, hey,,, I'm not really all that "out" about this stuff. So I gave her a list of folks that I'd just assume not be told. As far as I know, she hasn't told those I said to keep it quiet when arround them.

[Glenda58]

All women need to talk. And they have something that is important to them they will tell their best friends or a therapist if they one. They can't keep it inside but it helps them to understand. The things said to her must have good or you would have been having a ruff time now.

[trannie T]

My secret is much more important to me than it is to someone else. Once you tell somebody there is a chance that others will be told too. Happily it seems that you have not suffered because of your being outed. My belief is that the more you are out the less you have to hide.

[Angelofsomekind]

One thing I hear a while ago that I never thought about before is that when you come out of the closet to someone, at the same time you are bringing them right back into your closet with you. My wife has told a couple of our friends, she asked me first though, both have worked out well.

[Sally2005]

A couple years ago, if my wife had done that I would have seriously considered divorcing her. That was before I really learned to accept myself and was 100% in the closet. Now, I think I wouldn't be thrilled because of the impact it could cause to our family (kids and all), but I wouldn't freak out about it. I have prepared by letting my friends and family see me dressed up on halloween en fem (actually I'm starting to make it manditory every year)...so it is a just a matter of degree...I can respond with 'I thought you knew", "you have seen me dressed up before, what's the big deal' to 'hey, its all just a fun prank'.

[patricia 402]

my best freind outed me three times her s.o.her sister and her mom. i was mortified i felt betrayed because i trusted her so much.but it turned out lucky for me that two could care less and her sister wants to give me a pedicure! to bad she lives too far away.:battingeyelashes:

[brenda lynn mwe]

hey ashley
thank u for sharing your story I think that was wrong for your wife to tell when you said don't the same thing happened to me but like you said those that know now you don't hafe to hide it or werry about it now but like they said get ready and be prepared to dressup for them because its going to happen but we got to come out of the closet sometime right hugs
brenda lynn

[serinalynn]

In my case both of my sisters in law and both of my brothers in law know I CD to some extent. also their families know as well, because I treat my wife as a loving careing husband should. My wife and I talk a lot about lot of things Including my CDing and my ladies clothing wardrobe which is about 98% of all my clothing. While I am visiting in the upper midwest right now most of the clothing I packed is womens.

[mskanuchi]

My wife hasn't said a thing, I don't believe. We have a great, open relationship, and have always accepted each other for what we are, from the start. I'm sure one day, with as many women as she works around, one will be upset that she discovered her husband dressed in lingerie, or something else feminine. I can count on my wife to be supportive to that person, if she's open for it, and let her know it's not a marriage killer, or anything that will assinate her character in any way. If most wifes really take the time to think about it, it really opens so may doors for them. Just a thought.

[Olivia]

Three people can keep a secret, if two of them are dead (Thanks Ben Franklin!) Yes, I know that too well. Close friends betrayed me. They are not that close to me anymore either. As trannie T said, one's secret is more important to them than it is to another. For myriad reasons, some just have to share the story with others. It's hard to put the cat back in the bag once 'it's' out. I'm glad your situation worked out! O

[Rebecca Jayne]

Lets face it, for women in general, a husband/boyfriend who cross dresses is stressful to handle, whether they agree with it or not. All of a sudden, you expose a secret side of yourself (men aren't allowed to do this) and you get a little to close to their comfort zone (intimates, make up, dressing up, hairdos etc) for most of them to handle.

Its very possible that in telling friends about your cross dressing, she may be alleviating her stress of the situation.

My wife tried to understand, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't.
She talked to her mom about it and it has never been brought up again, so I don't bring it up, yet I am still a cross dresser, and I know she knows, but doesn't comprehend. I might as well be talking about quantum mechanics.


I know that when I am uncomfortable in a situation, my stress relief is joking, laughing, humorous antidotes. That's how I deal with stress, wearing women's clothes helps more.

[Rachel Morley]

Both T____y and A____e live about 3 hours away, so they are not people that we see that often. Which is good, because I need time to process all of this, and decide whether to chat with them about it, or just be quiet.
Yes. I can totally understand that. When my wife told her sister I wasn't sure what to think, and I was very nervous about what would happen the next time I saw her sister as at the time she only lived 5 miles away. When she did next come over she didn't mention it to me which I was very glad about. It took me about 2 months to come to terms with the fact that now two GGs that are close to me knew about it. It was all for the best in the end as the three of us spent the whole of SF Pride weekend together as girlfriends and even shared a room.

[Joann0830]

Wouldn't you have loved to hear those conversations! Cool that she was comfortable doing that. You're very lucky.. Outing usually occurs under, let's say, less than loving conditions.

i agree with Rhonda and now for my experience I would not bring it up again with those parties just treat it that it is done and they know it and accept it or not its done. Enjoy the release of someone else knowing and now you can be yourself if they are around. I speak from experience as my daughter 19 had explained it to her friends and after that I explained one of the Moms of one of her Girlfriends who I know and have a great relationship with as a parent and everybody accepts me and understands . So when in the comfort of my house and wearing my denim skirt and sandels with painted toe nails. They come in and its a normal day for everyone, except I have been invited to a sleepover at my house LOL as long as I am Joann which they all do enjoy. My Soft side that they love so much, Aunt joann as I am called. Joann0830:battingeyelashes::heehee::love::drink:

[TSchapes]

I like the fact that she is comfortable telling other people and is not using it as a weapon. That to me is very reassuring. It would have been better if she kept to your wishes, but it seems you took it well.

I wish my SO was comfortable telling others.

-Tracy

[PaulaJaneThomas]

Some people just can't keep a secret ;)

[dilane]

My wife told a couple of close friends (one is a licensed therapist) years ago when I first started going out. It's unfair to burden someone with such a secret, and leave her with so much to process and be unable to talk with friends about.

She told me in advance (I think :) ).
She has since told two other friends, and several others have undoubtedly put two and two together having seen me at Halloween.

I've had Zero problems. It helps that there is no connection between anyone who knows and my family. They are all mature, high quality people.

[marny]

tell two people, and they tell two people. and they tell.......

[TJ Tresa]

Ashley if you are comfortable with them knowing and aren't afraid of more people finding out then enjoy the feeling of not having to hide. Just remember the more people that knwo the more likely it will get out to someone you really don't want to know, unless you are ready for the world to know. If that be the case why not just tell everyone yourself.

[kimkat]

Glad things worked out for you. Amazing how we expect a person to react one way and we get a totally opposite reaction. I am still debating about telling my mother-in-law. She would be the first person I would trust. Maybe my older sister.

Kim

[Tara_G]

your wife sounds like mine. maybe she really likes you as Ashley (you know, more than Ashley likes Ashley).

My brother and his wife live close to us and kept bugging us about joining them in their hot tub. I finally had to tell them that I'm completely smooth without getting into too much detail. They said no big deal.

[TxKimberly]

A couple of lessons I learned a long time ago:
1 - It's not reasonable or kind to put that kind of weight on your wifes shoulders and then tell her that she can't speak to anyone about it. Remember that YOU needed someone to talk to when you told your wife. Now that she is sharing your load, SHE probably needs someone to talk to.
2 - (This is the one your not gonna like) Don't tell a woman and expect that she is not going to tell her husband. Maybe these women are the rare exception, but I tend to think that most women will end up sharing this sort of secret with their husbands

[Kitty Sue]

I think it is important for the S.O to be able to talk about what is going on with her friends. Afterall, if I expect my S.O to accept me, then I need to understand that she has to be able to talk with others. I can only hope my S.O will choose wisely in who she confides in.

[Amymonroe]

After i told my wife about my crossdressing she only told won person whom knew us very well. and that person helped her along the way. when she told me that she did it i was a little irritated about it at first and scared. but the secret remaind between the three of us. now i choose who we tell and i let her know and she helps me talk to whom ever. in fact we are about to tell another friend of ours when i go home on leave. i'll let you know how that goes.

erin

[DonnaT]

I knew it would help my wife deal with it better if she was free to talk to whomever she desired. So I told her she didn't have to keep it a secret. I think it would have been unfair to ask her to do so.

She still keeps it secret from most people, and probably has only discussed it with three or four people. So I know it's still difficult to keep it secret even though she doesn't have to. Just imagine how much more difficulty she'd be having if she wasn't able to talk to anyone at all about it.

Besides, the first person she told was her grandmother, who told her that it was OK. This helped her deal with it much better.

So, even though your wife betrayed your trust, the responses she got may have eased the weight of the secret she'd been carrying.

[suchacutie]

If I were to be in a situation of starting again to find a partner, I have to admit I would be very concerned about how I shared the existence of Tina. After all, how do you trust someone who is not yet committed to you to keep your confidence, or to share that confidence in a discrete, or at least "safe" way?

However, once done successfully, life is incredibly sweet, so the goal is worth pursuing! My wife treats Tina as her personal girlfriend, and the knowledge of Tina as her personal secret. She is incredibly protective of Tina, knows that Tina shares all her feelings (as good girlfriends should), and is totally open in talking about Tina with her husband (my male side). Security, friendship, and openness for Tina; security, love, and openness for my male side (ok, there are other traits but I'm trying to be short here).

It's clearly worth the work, but it must be scary along the way. I am so in awe of all of you who have come out to your spouses/girlfriends as the process of generating a committed relationship, and even more in awe of those who have put it all on the line to come out after in a committed relationship. This aspect of our feminine side must suredly be the hardest issue to handle!

tina

[Jaclyn NM]

As long as the people that your wife told understand and accept your crossdressing, then I think it's wonderful. But do tell her that in the future she should consult with you first. In many ways, I wish I was in your situation, instead, my wife knows, but doesn't want to see me dressed, and doesn't want to discuss it. At least she knows, so I'll just have to keep working on the rest.

[Nicole Smyth]

I think your lucky your wife is cool with it and tells others in a good way.

[JulieK1980]

I think one of the best things for my marriage was being open about it with close friends of myself and my wife, after I left the military, and it was no longer necessary to keep quiet about it, we have told most of our closest mutual friends. Having someone to talk about it with, has helped tremendously for both of us, while we try to keep no secrets from each other, but, its also very nice to not have to worry about the elephant under the carpet so to speak... Most of our friends are either very supportive, or indifferent... and only one, was bugged about it, and is no longer a friend.. (neither me or my wife, feel much loss over them..) Its like your and your SO's personal support group....:)

[niktesla]

I had to tell my wife as the internet browser history got me suspect - I looked at one pair of high heels size 11 out of sheer boredom one time - then she confronted me and maybe had suspicion's all along as I always wanted her to wear lingerie heels stockings garter belt etc. for our sex sessions - I kinda needed it to turn me on. So I figured after 10 years of marriage I would stop running and hiding from it once she suspected it. I swallowed hard and looked her in the eye and said I have a problem, so I admitted that I like the feel of nylon and stockings against me, garter belts heels basically. She didn't know what to say, how to react, her quote was how do I wrap my head around this? Not, oh my god this must have been so hard for you to keep inside all these years. Anyhow she asked a few questions that I can't remember I answered them as best I cold, I said I am not gay, bi-sexual, I don't want to become a woman sexually, I do not want to go out in public, she seemed concerned as to when and how often I did these dress ups - if it was in front of our child or if when he was home, the discussion never went further - she was already gone from me and in love with my best male friend of 3 to 4 years and I did not know it - I thought we were going through a rough patch and communication and connecting was the problem, so I was getting help for that, she stopped loving me for him and I was replaced in the situation - I moved out a few months after their affair was announced to all parties involved, we got separated, have joint custody of kid...so I am sure her new lover and his ex-wife know about my situation - none have said anything about it to me - but I don't talk to any of them accept my ex-wife about matters involving the kid. One of the last heated quotes was "ya know that really hurt me she said" - I said ya know, it actually is a moot point because you had already moved on to loving the other guy when I admitted it and him loving her - so it did not play into the separation initially - but maybe now she's looked back and thought some things were a little funny as I always bought her lingerie underwear bras they were sexy and silky - but oh well....I figured she would leave me if I told her about my fetish - was I right ?

[Angie G]

I hope everything stays cool for you Ashley.It sounds like things are OK.:hugs:
Angie

[DonnaT]

I figured she would leave me if I told her about my fetish - was I right ?

Maybe, but there's no way to know for sure, unless she came out and admitted it.

She left you for someone else, for only reasons she can say. Before she knew aboout the CDing.