I was "outed"!

[NatalieNC]

I just had to share this because I'm a little freaked out. I hope this doesn't get deleted because I am hoping for some feedback or words of wisdom.

I was out and about today at lunchtime, and ran into my ex fiance having lunch with some girlfriends. I stopped and said hello, we are still friends and get together every now and then. She said hello, and then before I knew it, she was saying "this is my ex fiance that likes to wear ladies clothes!" I choked. Her friends looked at her and then looked at me and one said "oh really?" She responded with "yeah, that's why we broke up , I was afraid he'd be wearing my favorite dress while I wasn't home! hahaha". Her girlfrinds, looked at me in horror and one said "Are you for real?" I didn't speak, I was too shocked. So my ex said "He's a bit too wierd for me to marry but otherwise he's okay!" And she laughed and laughed. It was awful enough for her friends to be looking at me like I was a freak, but the people in the restaurant close to their table heard and were looking at me, some snickering, some looking at my girlfriend like she was an ass. I turned around and walked out. I could hear her calling for me, but I kept walking. I was so humiliated and mortified. Since then, she has left numerous messages on the cell appologizing but I can't speak to her.

So, now I am thinking, what next? what do i do? Do I really worry about this? Its not like I hang out with her friends at all. Probably will never encounter those folks at the restaurant. I guess I can't seem to get passed this feeling of being an alien, or a freak. The looks on those peoples faces are haunting me....

[Stephanie Miller]

Sounds like the person you once knew (or thought you knew :strugglin)is no longer in your world. Sometimes it's better that way. If this is the price to pay and the timing it took (pre-marriage, pre kids) to find her true colors.... you have a lot to be thankful for :whew!:. If it was me, I'd take the phone off the hook for good, get a new pair of heels and walk away from her as fast as I could. There are a lot of great GG's in this world looking for CD's like you.

[NatalieNC]

Thank you Stephanie, I needed to hear that. And oddly enough, I WAS carrying a bag at the time from one of my favorite shoe stores!! And what was inside? A new pair of heels! I am still laughing......I really needed that.

[Marcia Blue]

Natalie,
My Ex outed me to the whole town. She put a picture of me dressed in the personals of the local paper not once but twice. I was devastated and mortified. This happened over 20 years ago. I developed a thick skin and survived. I still live in the same town and more than a few people remember the old personal ads. Most could care less. I say put it behind you and get on with life. Your Ex has obviously realized her mistake. You get to decide to forgive her or not. Open communication with her might keep from blabbing to more people in the future though.

[Oddlee]

I just had to share this because I'm a little freaked out. I hope this doesn't get deleted because I am hoping for some feedback or words of wisdom.



What a horrible situation to be in! That would take some recovery time for sure...

I guess after I recovered and thought about it (given that you don't particularly associate with your ex's girlfriends) I wouldn't worry too much about being outed. I would definitely have to wonder how much I wanted to see the ex again, however. After a while, I might think about answering her messages. I think this will look different to you in a week or two.

Good luck!

Lee

[WitchTammy]

Sorry to hear that news. I was treated pretty badly by ex at times, but she never stooped that low.

Like Steph says, keep the chin up and heels clickin!

[Rebecca Jayne]

Let's see...my ex fiance,
Well I done with you, your done with me.
You put me down in front of her friends in a very public place,
I just pulled the hatchet out of my back!

I'm very, very done with her.
Now she calls, why ?
I thought we we done, didn't she show me
that she can be cruel and vindictive

I move on, I forget about the
Water under the bridge
After the floodgates are closed.

Tomorrow is a new day
Full of promise
Full of hope

[ReineD]

First, welcome to the forum! :hugs:

Second, I have a few thoughts. :Angry3: I would consider myself very fortunate to have broken off a relationship with such a person. Mocking anyone is never humorous, no matter how much the person doing it feels otherwise.

I should think most people in the restaurant were sympathizing with you rather than thinking you are a freak. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you carry shame about the CDing, it would be easy for you to read "horror" in their faces when in fact they might be embarrassed for your ex-fiancee's behavior. To the person who said, "Are you for real", I would have replied, with a smile, "Yes, I do it all the time, I especially enjoy the leather (or whatever)." And let her draw her own conclusions.

But, if anything like this ever happens again, if one of the girlfriends for example should ask you if it is true that you wear female clothing (which I doubt very much would ever happen), you could simply tell her that yes, you are transgendered. Chances are she would have a million questions and you could begin a discussion about it.
:hugs:

[RADER]

I think she did you a favor, You now know what she is realy like. I think the
outher GG's at the meet were just as suprized about her down grading of
you as you were. Acting like she did if spitefull, if not rude. I know it must
of been a real "joy" to stand thier, but the less said speaks volumns louder
than anything you could have said. I also agree, doin't awnser the calls;
after what she did to you, You doin't need her trying to get you again by
saying sorry. Yes, what go's arround come's arround, some day it will be
her turn, maybe not by you, but it will happen. Good Luck, Rader

[Glenda58]

I agreed don't let it get down. And if it happens again tell you would have wore the dress but it was to big in the butt for you or you don't like the sytle that looked to old maid looking for you.

It's happen to a lot of us with exes. Mine was to my kids they still love me 20 yrs later.

[Wen4cd]

What next? Nothing. Don't answer her calls. This wasn't about you and what you wear, it's about her and how petty she was.

[mskanuchi]

Had somethig similar happen to me back in 1995. I was getting sick of the people and the area I lived, so I moved on. Not long after I met my wife, and she has always accepted my choice to wear feminine things. Feel lucky you got out before any life-lasting events happened. - Loved that you had a new pair of shoes in the bag:)

[MJ]

forget about it. move on your better than that

[NatalieNC]

That's so very true. I AM glad that we broke it off before we were officially or legally anything. This is a side of her I had never seen and it made me realize, thinking about her tonight, that she is still hurting from our break up, and she lashed out. Yes it was cruel and lame, but in a way I understand it. Her last message she was bawling her eyes out and professed what an ass she was and she didn't know what she did what she did. And that she will understand if I never talk to her again. She also said that 4 people casme up to her in the restaurant after I walked out and told her basically, "shame on you!". And that I had no right to embarass you that way.....wow. You were right Reine, they were embarassed by her actions. That really puts allot of faith back in me about others......I will probably call her in a few days. Let it simmer a bit. I know she really feels awful about it. But I need a few days.

LMAO ! I LOVED the comment to tell her friends that I would have worn her dress but it was too big in the butt for me!!! LOL Oh wow. I really did not think I would be able to laugh tonight! You are all great! Just what I needed!!

[heatherdress]

Hi Natalie - Maybe you should feel lucky that she is your ex-girl friend. Hurting anyone, especially someone you care about, is cruel. I am sorry that this happened to you but just try and move on as rapidly as you can. You will most likely never hear from any of her friends. If you do, you do not have to explain anything. She betrayed you. No one has the right to share the intimacies of a private relationship. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to regret except, perhaps, time lost in a past relationship and a few embarrasing moments. Don't think about what you should have said. Your silence was your best response. Move on and find a new girl friend. You deserve much better.

[mklinden2010]

Well, the first time is hard to handle...

"She screwed me over. It was unexpected. There was a public scene. I didn't know what to say. Why didn't I (fill in the blank).

Your reaction was pretty normal for that kind of trauma. And, from the sound of things, other people's reaction was all over the map - that's real life - half care, half don't.

She's mean/stupid/unskilled with people. Probably young and cute, but you're lucky - everyone ages, looks fade, but stupid is usually forever. She's at least a two-faced person and always will be. Know this and stay away from her. Perhaps it will help her to not do this kind of thing to anyone again.

Meanwhile, so, you wear clothes that women typically wear? What's the harm? Does it do YOU some good to wear them?

Next time say, "Yeah, I like the look and feel of dresses, big deal. So, sue me, I have a life."

Glad you got this behind you. Accentuate the positive things in life and move on.

Thanks for the post.

[Diane Elizabeth]

If her friends think about what she did to you, they might realize someday that she might do a similur stunt to them too. Be glad she is out of your life. Consider yourself blessed that she is an "ex". DyLen

[NatalieNC]

"....stupid is forever.." LOL How true is that?! Its starting to get comical, because now she is sounding 'desperate' on the phone. Like she's realized what as good friend I was and how she screwed me over and now she's panicking. Well stew in it a for awhile baby. Silence truly IS golden. It makes people crazy when you dont respond. It leaves you being the better person too. You will love this, she said on her last message (getting about one every half hour) "look, I will give you 3 of my best dresses if you will just talk to me!". OMG, is SHE for real?!!

[Kathi Lake]

Yikes!

I think you made the right choice in simply walking away. Chances are that she knows she is an ass because her friends told her as much, as well as others in the restaurant. Why the breakup happened, I don't know, but it seems good that it did as now you have seen her true colors.

I do have one question; you say that you are going to call her in a few days. Why, exactly? Knowing the kind of person she is, and the pain she can inflict, you are going to call her and smooth things over? Is this really the kind of person that you want in your life?

I say this because I was in a similar situation. Before I was due to go to Korea, I had a near-fiancée. She knew that I was going to be gone for a year and was dealing with it badly. She was a clothing designer and used to make clothes for me. She told many of our mutual friends that she was breaking up with me because she wanted to marry a man, not a woman. When I returned, I guess she had had a bit of a dry spell, because she said she was sorry, pushed me to the floor and nearly raped me - saying how sorry she was and that I was the best thing ever to, . . . blah, blah, blah. After I ushered her out the door, I told her that we were most emphatically over. I haven't spoken to her since. Do I miss her? Sure, at times. Do I need her in my life? Heck no.

I'm not saying that your situation is similar, but I would think seriously about letting this woman back into your life.

Kathi

[NatalieNC]

No , you are right Kathi. I have been going up and back with the idea of calling her and thinking, what in hell would I say anyway? If anything, I think I need to give it more time. Because right now, trying to picture her and I enjoying a meal like we do every now and then just isn't working in my head. Even if she was lashing out and regrets it now, it still says allot for her lack of respect for me. She must have given her friend (we'll call her Lola) my phone number in hopes she would help smooth things over between us. She left a message too, saying "I'm so sorry you were treated like that today, it was uncalled for and cruel. I just want you to know that we are on your side and we told "Linda" as much, which upset her a great deal". Now THAT was unexpected. Even her friends are angry with her. W O W.

This has made me realize just how easily it really is to over react. I mean, 5 hours ago I was feeling so low and so upset. And now I feel like I am on top of the world, and have all these new friends and support. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to you all.

[TxKimberly]

Y'all are probably getting sick of my bringing up my time in the military over and over, but they really taught you some awesome lessons that apply to every day life as well as the military. One of those lessons is that you can endure much more than you think you can. When things are terribly hard and difficult and your just sure you can't take it, you would sometimes be shocked to learn that you were wrong - you CAN take it, and you can keep moving forward.
Another lesson, related to that one, is that no matter how hard a task is, if you get it started and keep plugging away at it, you can get it done. Properly motivated , you CAN move a mountain with a teaspoon, it just might take a but of stubbornness and patience.

So the shame and embarrassment you feel, where your just sure you can't stand it? Suck it up and keep moving and you will get through it. Keep moving forward and you will get past this.

[Miranda09]

Wow Natalie. What kind of friend is that. Sounded like she was just waiting for the right moment to humiliate you. This is someone who has absolutely no respect for you. As bad as it was, I think you handled it very well, and with some dignity. I'd give her the cold shoulder for a long while. That was a childish thing for her to do.

[Andrea_1948]

Hi Natalie - It seems to me that you made exactly the correct move by simply walking away from the ugly situation. Letting her 'stew' for a while is an OK thing to do but I also think that, at some point, returning her call is also the correct thing to do. Yes, she hurt your feelings and you deserve to be disappointed in her but, she also hurt her own feelings as shown by her attempts to contact you to make amends. You can take the high road by letting her know you can forgive and forget. I agree with Kathi in thinking seriously about letting her back into your life any time soon, if at all. Your the person that walks away with dignity! Just my thoughts.

[sterling12]

I'd opt for, "don't waste your time ever speaking to her again." You did The Right Thing, you quietly walked away and kept your dignity. If you "allow" her to apologize, she will then tell her friends about that too. I have a feeling it's one of those little "manipulation games." "Lets just see how far I push you, and yet still pull you back to me." Some people love to play that game, check your memory and see if she's done it before.

Someone that nasty and vindictive doesn't deserve anything but your contempt. She revealed what was probably the most important secret of your life, and she did it just to be vindictive. and amuse her friends.

Surely you can find people in your life who are not that awful! Save your conversation and your love for them.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Alana Beaumont]

I think speaking to her is definitely a good idea. You need to explain to her just how badly she hurt your feelings and how humiliating it is to have such a personal secret blurted out (jokingly or otherwise) to people that do not have your permission to know. Also, ask yourself, before this happened, how strong was your friendship? I know she was once your fiance', but how strong was your friendship after the separation. Personally, I march my size 11's over to her house, make her feel as horrible as possible (try jewish guilt, it works) and leave the rest to her. If she's truly sorry, she'll let you know (unless she's a total bitch, of course!).
Best wishes,

[Emily01]

"well you're the one who wanted to have sex with a girl!"......nah, i couldn't have said that, would have been cruel and i don't want to be a cruel person. i don't think you do either. it must have been a terribly difficult few minutes....minutes that seemed like hours perhaps.

i'd take the call, let her apologize, accept the apology if you believe it is heartfelt and sincere, and calmly and kindly tell her that you want no further contact, ever. then execute on that.

and some people wonder why we aren't more open and more accepting of ourselves.......this too shall pass, don't stop being you and please don't be ashamed ~ have compassion for the less fortunate (you know who she is).

[Joann0830]

forget about it. move on your better than that

I agree with my sister MJ. You at least foundout what kind of person she Really was and as MJ stated you were a better person, You were a TRUE Lady and kept your composer and just left. As far as the other people in the place they also probably looked at her as an ass. She tried to make herself look like something she was not a Lady. She knew about you when you were going out and you probably knew things about her but again you were trustworthy and True and did not play her game. In my book she made herself look like an ass and she has realized that and is trying to appoligize but as I said before, You are way above her and you dont need her appologeze. Continue on with who you are and ignore stupidity. I Bow to You as a Great Person and a True Lady. I would not return her call and just ignore her and realize we ALL make mistakes in ourlives and we learn from them. I am sorry that she put you throught that, You did not desrve that.:battingeyelashes::heehee::love::drink: Joann0830

BTW I would not let those faces haunt you as you said you will never see them again nor will you hang out with her friends.

[trannie T]

You have done well. You have survived the humiliation of being outed to a large group of people. Do not call your ex-beloved until your emotions are back to normal, she said things that she should not have said, you need to be strong and be careful what you say.

[Shelly67]

Golly , nice lady ! I know for a fact you should stand tall and proud , what a horrible experience . It does'nt matter what we are , or indeed how we live our lives - it simply is'nt right to be publicly scorned and embarressed for the entertainment of others . How infantile .
If I were in the position , I'd put a hundred years between us , ignore her and never have anything to do with her again . I would'nt be nasty , just cut all ties and be grateful I'd seen her true colours ..............

[mklinden2010]

For all sorts of reasons, cut her out of your life.

People like that do NOT change. She did what she did because she is who she is, not because she "goofed up" or "made a mistake." That was her mouth running and that mouth is connected to her brain - the brain that decided to ambush you and kept going when she had the advantage over you. Friends do not do that, nor do true lovers. Deal breaker.

My SO offered that your ex was still hurt over the break up. I replied, "It's not OK to destroy someone over your hurt at some dating thing that didn't work out. You bow out and move on - or you make trouble... Either way, you don't make trouble to get back together. Most people figure this out in Jr. High School. Shame on her for kissing and telling." Many others will see or hear about what she did and the net damage will be to her, not you.

Begging you to talk to her is her effort to manipulate you into being part of her craziness in life again and again and/or to claw her way back to respectability among civilized people. That's her problem and her cross to bear in life. Take the high road and do not look back.

Been through this with cr*ppy people before. If you get sucked back into her orbit, the day will come when this sort of thing will happen all over again - and it will be your fault for having had anything to do with her.

Keep the bonus points you get for walking. It's good for your self respect and your confidence.

You did the right thing. Keep it up.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

Look on the bright side: you could have ended up married to the evil cow ;) Be proud of who you are and tell anyone who doesn't like it to eff off.

[Bethany38]

Natalie, wow what a horrible thing to have happen to you. I have to agree with everyone else that you are sooo lucky to be rid of that horribly ugly person. No matter what her outer looks are like, on the inside she fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every single branch, twig, and leaf on the way down. I always try to remember Karma is a b---h, and what she put out toward you in that instance will come back at her. So I would keep on laughing `cause she'll never see it coming when it happens:heehee::heehee::heehee:...

[Paula W]

Being put on the spot like that and humiliated is never fun but the good part is that it is over and you really wont have to worry about it unless there were people there that you see from time to time. The way it sounds her friends might be sympathetic towards you because of the way she treated you.

Personally a good comeback can always turn around a humiliating situation. I know its tough to think of instead of standing like a deer caught in headlights but it would have been awesome had you said "She broke up with me because I looked better in her dress than she did" but your reaction is completely understandable. Dont fret though, its over and done with.

[Kristen-Gaye]

When someone belittles you in front of others it somehow makes them feel better about themselves. It's small & petty & is a sign of weakness & insecurity! I guess a lot of us have done it in one way or another. It's human nature. Maybe hear what she has to say for herself but know you are the bigger person out of this!

[randi32869]

I agree that she was out of line and also that she has regrets - we all say things we would like to take-back and it is usually around friends that we are trying to "impress" or perhaps cover for our own flaws. You should be "man enough" to accept her apology and it may take your friendship to a different level.

I am sure that all girls have to "save face" when a relationship does not materialize - particularly around her girlfriends, so you need to have some understanding of her position as well. A smart-ass comment about the dress size would have put you in the villan position so maybe it is good that it did not come to mind that quickly.

You need to have an appropriate cache of comments available for times like these. My favorite is "if all men spent 3 days in a dress they would be much better husbands" or "I admire a woman's world so much that I found that I enjoyed it occasionally" or "You wear a dress for 24 hours and you will NEVER again drop into a 7-11 so your wife can pee".

If you were friends enough to still see each other - don't let a good friendship get away - lovers are easier to find than friends! Who knows - maybe she has changed her view and considers you one that got away.

Sometimes our quick comments reveal more about what think than we know and while these comments are usually unbecoming - they do make us think. So don't waste an opportunity to explore what she is really thinking (she may not even know) while you have the upper hand in the relationship.

[Jonianne]

What is that popular saying now? "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger."


.......To the person who said, "Are you for real", I would have replied, with a smile, "Yes, I do it all the time, I especially enjoy the leather (or whatever)." And let her draw her own conclusions.......

That was a horrible thing to do to you, but know that in the long run this may turn out better than you now think. My ex threatened to tell everyone, my kids, my family, my church and my work. I have no doubt she was in the process of doing just that. So I took the initiative and began to tell each of them on my terms. I never lost a single friend. Even my kids were OK, except that they said "Dad, we just don't want to see you dressed". I said "Agreed". The next time my ex threatened me, I said go ahead and tell, I've already told them. I never did anything wrong, so she lost all of her ammunition.

Just keep being your self with others, let them see that you are still just you and in time you will be able to reply with a smile when someone confronts you and say yea, that's just a part of who I am. Actually, when I shared this with some of the others, they ended up feeling free to share some personal stuff about themselves with me.

[Vicky_Scot]

Just remember one thing.

You are more of a man than she deserved and more of a lady than she will ever be.

:hugs:

[KateW]

Her horrible actions were just a reflection on her as a person. Regardless of how your relationship ended, you trusted her with information and she broke that trust. Just be glad that you are now free from her! There are a lot of open minded GGs on the planet, and she has just reinforced that you are much better off without her!

[Angelofsomekind]

Maybe one of her friends will be thinking about it more and like the idea of it, let us know when she tries to get a hold of you.

[Violetgray]

Wow. I think maybe I'm more forgiving than most of the girls here. Don't get me wrong, what she did was horrible. But I think most of the girls here are outraged for you, but without the bond of friendship you had with her to put things in perspective. It's easy to say "never speak to her again" about somebody you've never known. Speak to her or not, the choice is yours. In my case, I would at least re-establish a dialog with her, especially if she's so remorseful.

[Chari]

Natalie, Great advice from all previous posts, but only you can decide what is best for you in each moment of your life! Did not read in your post you admitting to "dressing", which leaves doubt if you do, with her friends and the patrons of the restaurant. You are very wise to walk away from that situation and individual! Please do not be foolish (again) and accept her back. She has lost control of you and is hurt you are not responding to her "pulling your strings"! She is as a leopard - and cannot change her spots. Always be proud and comfortable in who you are!

[boardpuppy]

This was a terrible situation to be placed in and you handled it very well. Having stated how I see the situation, the best thing for you to do is get on with your life. Only you can deside if you want this girl in your life again (not me). Except her appology if you want but you are aware of her true colors, and don't let her closer than arms length. If you pass her, say hello and keep walking, this says volumes about your character. You are a fabulous person and there are other GG's out there looking for the right girl, maybe even one of her friends. All things pass and this is just one of them.

Hugs,
Alice

[LisaElizabeth]

I heard a quote recently that was attributed to of all people... John Wayne!

"Life is hard, it's even harder when you do something stupid!"

Seems to apply to your ex!!

LisaE

[Renee Demarea]

Lick your wounds and move on, If she did it once she will do it again.Go buy some new heels and find someone else.:2c:

[Engendered]

Get the dresses and do a runner! :)

Sorry, I saw a chance at pretty dresses and got carried away. I've had a little experience with people lashing out, and I think she does still care and is still hurting, so I would probably start talking to her again, but I'm a bit of a sucker when it comes to other people. :)

[Sally2005]

Sometimes the best payback is no response at all. You may feel bad to not responding to her multiple phone calls and her "I'm sorry", but the fact is, she is NOT sorry, she never respected you or she would never have embarrased you like she did. She only said she was sorry because her friends told her it was wrong? ...you didn't break up because of your CDing...you broke up because your partner didn't respect you for who you are.

That being said, learn to accept yourself and there won't be anything to be embassed about. If you need a good comeback, just tell her friends that it was the only way to get your SO to sleep with you at times... ;-) But, if you are secure in who you are you could have responded with something like "I keep it private mostly because many people do not understand it, I am shocked that my ex has said this because it was a private matter between us and it just shows how petty she can be. It is the one unusual activity in my otherwise normal boring life as a man..." You might get some offers to go shopping and some support, maybe a new girlfriend. I think depending on how YOU deal with it, other people will respect you and some might even think it is cool. Showing shame for it is like walking around with a "kick me" sign on your back.

[Karen Born]

Natalie,

What you did was appropriate for the moment. Made her look like a 'jackass' and likely opened the eyes of her friends - maybe even shook a couple of them up if they had any secrets your ex knew about.

I would listen to her apology and then let her know that you need 'a lot of space and time' in order to calm down and consider whether or not you will continue to associate with each other. If, in a couple of weeks or so, she is still remorseful, CAREFULLY reestablish contact but make it clear to her that you will not be treated so callously now or any other time.

Keep your head up! You did well!

Karen.

My mind is like lightning.... one brilliant flash and it's gone!

[dilane]

She said hello, and then before I knew it, she was saying "this is my ex fiance that likes to wear ladies clothes!" I choked. Her friends looked at her and then looked at me and one said "oh really?" She responded with "yeah, that's why we broke up , I was afraid he'd be wearing my favorite dress while I wasn't home! hahaha". Her girlfrinds, looked at me in horror and one said "Are you for real?" I didn't speak, I was too shocked. So my ex said "He's a bit too wierd for me to marry but otherwise he's okay!" And she laughed and laughed.

So, now I am thinking, what next? what do i do? Do I really worry about this? Its not like I hang out with her friends at all. Probably will never encounter those folks at the restaurant. I guess I can't seem to get passed this feeling of being an alien, or a freak. The looks on those peoples faces are haunting me....

OMG! I can't imagine a nastier thing to do to someone. I feel awful for you.

Wow, what a piece of work this woman is! (to borrow from Shakespeare.)
Be very thankful that you broke up!

Nothing you can do, don't waste time worrying about it and go about your life.

My advice to you is to look back very carefully and see if you could identify the cruelty and hostility in her character when you were an item. There were probably clues. Then, resolve to keep away from any woman who even hints at that kind of meanness!

Sorry you had to go through that,

Diane

[joandher]

Maybe one of her friends will be thinking about it more and like the idea of it, let us know when she tries to get a hold of you.

That is what i was thinking ??

The same threat wasgiven to a friend of mine and his reply was WELL GO AHEAD AND I WILL TELL THEM YOU MADE ME DRESS UP
:love:

J-JAY

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

She also said that 4 people casme up to her in the restaurant after I walked out and told her basically, "shame on you!". And that I had no right to embarass you that way.....wow. You were right Reine, they were embarassed by her actions. That really puts allot of faith back in me about others......



THis to me seems to be the positive thing that came out of it, between this and the friend that called you, at least you can see that most people don't really seem bothered by what you do and were on your side when she did what she did.

Hopefully this will give you the confidence to slowly come out to the people in your life so that this sort of thing will never threaten you again. Next time you can show her friends those heels in your bag and say "I can't help it if I've got style!"

[Joy Carter]

" OK, I satisfied your wanting to have sex with a woman by dressing as you requested, and now your doing a hatchet job on me ? " :D

[SherriePall]

You did the right thing by walking away and not adding any fuel to the fire. In the end, it seems as though you took the higher ground rather than being snippy or giving her some smart reply.

I would consider her now to be an ex-friend, too. Let her find a "real man" who can handle her malicious remarks by taking the high ground.

[Sammy777]

What happen to you sucks and I'm sorry to hear it happen.

She didn't have a slip of the lip, or a few to many over lunch.

It sounds more like it was a planned attack and she finally had the chance to bury you in front of her friends. Most likely for the sole purpose of making herself look better.

In short - F*ck that bitch, I'd dump her like a bad habit!

She is sorry for doing it to you? ..... Ya somehow I doubt that.
I think it is more likely she realizes her friends got to see a glimpse of what a back stabbing c__t she can be and she is now trying to save face and back pedal.

Talk to her friend. Hell even go grab a cup coffee with her. Maybe you too will hit it off, lol. :thumbsup:

I would take her call.
Let her do her I'm sooooo sorry, please forgive song and dance.
When she is done pouring her heart out to you [if she even has one] then you can tell her how glad you are your not together and that you, and her friends finally got to see just what type of person she really is.
Thanks, but no thanks and I hope your friends follow my lead by not having anything else to do with you anymore.

And if you really feel like it, take and keep the dresses too. :lol2:


PS: A wise person once said:
Do on to others........ Before they have a chance to do onto you.

[Miss Anthropic]

Wow. I think maybe I'm more forgiving than most of the girls here. Don't get me wrong, what she did was horrible. But I think most of the girls here are outraged for you, but without the bond of friendship you had with her to put things in perspective. It's easy to say "never speak to her again" about somebody you've never known. Speak to her or not, the choice is yours. In my case, I would at least re-establish a dialog with her, especially if she's so remorseful.

See....

I haven't been in this situation before, not with a SO, but have been with my best GG friend (formerly), the first person I came out to, she was also was who taught me to do my makeup and went on many shopping trips with me. We were open and honest with each other about everything, nothing was taboo.

Over the course of our 5 year friendship, one in which we spent nearly every day hanging out; we had two or three big arguments. Each time she would call and leave a message that she was going to out me, and that I was a freak. The first time or two she did out me to mutual friends and then called for a few weeks on end crying her eyes out about how sorry she was until I talked to her and everything was ok.

The final time this happened, I was living with her and her boyfriend, who was a good friend of mine before they met.....another person she outted me to agianst my wishes.

Anyway she got mad at me because I was going to tell her BF, my friend, that she was cheating on him. She kicked me out, then proceeded to call and tell me that she was going to out me to everyone, my employer, my father, my sister....everyone who shouldn't know. I played my mom the message, she was shocked and didn't know why or how she could say such a thing.

I stood my ground and didn't call her back, figured I would deal with whatever hell got unleashed. Thankfully she never did out me to anyone important, but still, that's a threat that I couldn't deal with every time she was in a bad mood, and the fact is she did out me once, she would do it agian.

Here is an excerpt of one of the apology letters she sent me in 2007, there were others just like this the time before this, when she actually outted me in 2005.


Hi, I have sent you several text messages and called
you several times, but you won't answer or respond. I
understand that you don't care to speak with me, but I
have to apologize.

You know I have a strong
personality and I come off as harsh. The things I
said, I shouldn't have and I really am sorry. I know
you were pissed and stressed that day and we fought
over the most ridiculous things. You were my friend,
no matter what I said. Both of our personalities are
strong and we just shouldn't have been talking or have
been around each other when we were both in one of
those moods.

I hope you know that I think about you
every single day. I don't get pissed about stupid
stuff, I think about the fun we used to have. All I
can do is apologize. I can't take back what I wrote
and said, but if I could, I would. I would never
"out" you to everyone. I know how hard it is for you
to struggle through things anyway.

I don't know what else to say,
other than I hope you are alright. I hope that we can
talk again.


I actually ran into her a little bit after this letter, we talked, it was nice and still to this day I miss hanging out with her, but I know if we did it would end up the same way, something would happen and she'd have to use the CD'ing as ammunition. I just don't need that negativity in my life.

Neither do you, if she did this once in public, she'd do it again. Someone that can do such a thing clearly has no concern for the feelings of others, and that's something that doesn't change in my experience.

[Noxvictum]

I suppose it's far too late for a comeback... Like "Wear your dress? Hell no! Your wardrobe is garbage!"

Two wrongs may not make make a right, but it sure as heck feels better sometimes.

[Lorileah]

Maybe now would be a good time to admit who you are and taker charge of who you are. It sounds bd but you have been sneaking around and hiding all these years and now you have been exposed. So turn it to your advantage. Say "Yes I am. I am very glad to meet you. (Ex-fiance) and I had a very nice run together, some good memories but now it's over and I have learned that you are who you are. Sometimes you find who you are in a crowded restaurant where you choose to be petty and bitter. Have a nice lunch and please if you see me on the street at another time, be sure to say hello. Oh and by the way she has terrible taste in clothes, her favorite dress? Honey it is two sizes too small and the colors? So last decade" Then turn and walk, slowly and confidently away. Ok so the italics are there just for what you would be thinking and not saying because you are not petty. But bottom line is, now the cat is out. They will tell others, some will find it fascinating and maybe one or two would like to be your new friend. How would Ms. Ex like that?

[JulieC]

LMAO ! I LOVED the comment to tell her friends that I would have worn her dress but it was too big in the butt for me!!! LOL Oh wow. I really did not think I would be able to laugh tonight! You are all great! Just what I needed!!

When I first read your original post, my mind started working on ways to reflect the situation back to her, to make it clear she was in the wrong for acting in such an asinine way. But, really, the way you handled it is perfect. Walking out without saying anything was flawless!

Responding in kind, or in some other way gives her grounds for being angry back at you, gives her grounds for feeling justified in attacking you as sort of a pre-defense. "See what an ass he is?" she could have said as you're walking away.

The way you handled it was classy. It left her feeling miserable and forced her to think about her own actions. It was the best lesson she could have gotten from this, and you delivered it perfectly...whether you intended to or not.

As to other people's opinions? I can understand you being concerned about the reaction some people had in viewing you as a freak (though it seems more than a few thought your ex was way out of line). But, these people have no effect on you. Don't allow yourself to vest your sense of self worth in the opinions of people whose names you don't even know. You can't make everyone happy, even if you were perfectly in line with society's "ideals" (choke).


"look, I will give you 3 of my best dresses if you will just talk to me!". OMG, is SHE for real?!!

:rofl:


I have to agree with Kathi Lake. This person is very strongly a net negative in your life. If she was capable of being so hateful to you, I can't imagine you wanting her in your life. Why?

It's great that her friends are taking your side. You're seeing just how bad this has become for her, and I'm sure this feels gratifying for you. But, I would never state that to anyone else she knows or even that you know beyond this forum. It's just petty. I hope she learns from the incident, and I'd feel good knowing so many people had my back on this.

What Vicki said is spot on: "You are more of a man than she deserved and more of a lady than she will ever be."


There will be other people in your life. You don't need someone who is so hateful. You will miss her, but in time it won't matter. As many others have said, be glad you got out of that relationship. Very glad.

I had a past girlfriend that hated my crossdressing. Wanted me to stop. I didn't. She also didn't want me to buy a boat. Said she'd break up with me if I did. I bought the boat.

People don't have a right to control your life. You do have a responsibility to act in responsible ways towards people that you love, care about, and include in your life. But, buying a boat or crossdressing in ways that do not embarrass them is not irresponsible. This woman attempted to control you, in your relationship and now in your friendship. Take control back. Walk away.

[geri-tg.]

I think it is time to pull up your panty hose and move on. That had a be awful and I think I would have done just what you did. Many people know I dress and don't like it but I just keep moving on.:thumbsup::thumbsup:

[Nancy (PA)]

My first suggestion is to take some time for this matter to settle in, with everyone involved.

My second suggestion is to take the "high road"; don't let your need to react to this situation become a short-term "gotcha back", when it may then have adverse long-term negative impact on your memories. Let it go!

I'm wondering if the dressing was the only issue that caused your breakup? Perhaps she felt jilted or embarrassed by the separation, and just lost her cool when an opportunity arose to "get even".

Whatever, I'm sure that her friends will be more careful when sharing some of their personal issues around her, and I also believe that she will carry this bad taste in her mouth long after you do.

Again, let it go.

[Stephanie Miller]

Just to show you what kind of friends you have here on the board - I'll tell ya what I'm gona do.....
I will lower my standards and accept her offer of the three dresses. (If of course she's size 12). I will talk to her and let her know how you feel and how it was so wrong.:D . And if she throws in a couple of pairs of heels I will even yell at her, if that is what it takes to makes her feel like she deserves it.

So there it is Natalie. Us girls here will always go out on a limb for you.:love:

[Hope]

It seems to me that she just expressed to you in no uncertain terms why it is that she is unfit for being a marriage partner, or even a friend. We all need more friends, but no one needs friends like that; who, as it turns aren't really friends.

Part of the reason we have friends is for mutual support and consolation. A part of that is the granting of access to our own vulnerabilities and insecurities. When someone who has been privileged with that information displays an inability or unwillingness to protect that sensitive information, what they are really saying is that they either do not want to be, or are not able to be your friend. To continue a relationship with a person who has made that sort of declaration to you is madness, unless what you are after is more pain and embarrassment.

It is probably best for you to explain to her in no uncertain terms that you have no desire to have friends who treat you in such a manner. If it were me, I would express that by not returning her phone calls. Seriously, this relationship is obviously very flawed, and probably just needs to be put out of it's misery.

Kudos though to the other patrons who imposed some social pressure on her for her behavior. It almost makes me think there might be hope for humanity after all.

[jozee]

was it amicable split? or was it messy? if it was amicable and you dont think anything like that is likely to happen again and she is truly sorry:hugs::love: you might be able to forgive her and have some kind of relationship. if it was messy and she is a bitch, dont trust her as far as you can throw her. good luck.

[Mary Morgan]

I'd worry less about being "outed", and think more of myself for not remaining with such an uncaring, mean person. Just move on. You deserve better than that.

[suchacutie]

I would not answer her messages at all, nor call her. She burned that last bridge and I can't see any good coming from you talking with her. At this point, it sounds like it's close to stalking, honestly.

tina

[Maddie22]

Wow, this is a horrible situation to ever be in. I think you have handled it very well.

I don't know how your relationship is with her after you two broke up. If you two were still fairly good friends, I think it is worth perseving the relationship.

There is no telling why she may have did what she did. I do think people deserve a second chance. And if her friends are calling you and telling you what she did was so awful, and she is crying, then perhaps there is remorse. I think you should accept the apology, let her know how that made you feel, and how hurtful it was.

I'm wouldn't start socializing with her right away, I'd keep the relationship a bit at a distance until the trust begins again.

Also, as tempting as it is to take the three dresses, I wouldn't, be the better person.

[serina lopez]

in some strange way, i feel there is unfinished business... or else she wouldnt be calling you back "JUST" to apologize. given, she is an ass, maybe there is something that she could never get around about your cd'ing. maybe she didnt give you and your needs a chance and that is why she is compelled to be an ass.
basically, you walked out with class! im sure some of her friends that were there raised an eyebrow in curiousity(some sort of attraction). who will know. when being hit in the face with a man cd'ing most women take it lightly. as if it is a joke. i think that is why they seem "into" it.
do nothing but be yourself!!!

[NatalieNC]

Sorry I had been away from my computer a few days, but when I got back online I was just so thrilled to see more and more people had commented. This has been such a positive experience that made such a negative one worth while. Everyone has had such great things to say and to help me get through this, I just cannot that you all enough.

Since the last few days, my ex called and called and I just couldn't stand it. It was making my stomach tur in knots. SO I called her back and told her to just leave me alone and that I didn't want to hear her reasons anymore and I didn't need her apologies. She and were though and she needed to accept that. I told her she was toxic in my life right now and that slapped her back to reality.

I haven't heard a peep from her and am very grateful for that. Maybe I was hanging on to that relationship with her for unhealthy reasons. Like hoping she'd eventually take me back despite my 'flaw'. Well, its not a flaw, its ME. Like or lump it ! I feel very well now and am enjoying my freedom more than ever! Thanks again every one!

[Sammy777]

Good for you!

[vivianann]

WOW!! You handled the situation perfectly by walking out and making her look like a fool. it is obvious what happened when you walked away, so the looks of horror on some of the faces there was because they were shocked by her bad behavior, I am glad someone said shamed her, eventually you do need to do the right thing and accept her apology and forgive her for her actions, if she is really sincere. It sounds like she will think twice before being so rude and rediculous. I would talk to her friend if she is interested in talking to you, it would be funny if you get in a relationship with one of her friends. I would use this experience as a confidence booster and what ever you do do not be bitter, it will only hurt you in the end.:2c:

[Raychel]

It seem like you probably have heard it 70 times. But it is a good thing that she is an Ex. Who needs someone like that in your life.

I was had a situation that left me feeling chuckled at. I was shoping at the Hanes outlet store with my wife we had an armload of stuff. I was picking out some bodybriefers for myself and I overheard a woman talking to her friend and then they were chuckling at me. I was a little embarrased, but the thought, This is who I am. and I gave them something to talk about fo rthe day. I wasn't hurting anyne and I wa shelping the economy. I laughed it off and went about my puchases.

Here it is 2 years later, I never ran into those women again. And it still makes me chuckle a bit.

As long as you are happy with yourself, who really cares what the rest of the world thinks.

Next you need to find a woman that will respect you and not embarrass you in public.

[MsJanessa]

She was your ex-fiancee? Boy you sure dodged a bullet on that one--imagine what would have happened if you had married the ____(put in your own expletive) If you ever run into her again your response should be that she promised not to tell--said with a smile of course--seriously most people take anything that a jilted ex says with a very large grain of salt. Her behavior in the restaurant reflects more badly on her than it ever would on you---as you said others in the room were disparaging to her, not you

[carrie-ann]

I've never been outede by some one else. I outed myself back in december and my neighbors are having a fit. I also started cding full time 5 weeks ago my coworkers are fine my neighbors not so much its a hard one when some one else does it. Silence is golden in your case with her.

[JulieC]

Sorry I had been away from my computer a few days, but when I got back online I was just so thrilled to see more and more people had commented. This has been such a positive experience that made such a negative one worth while. Everyone has had such great things to say and to help me get through this, I just cannot that you all enough.

Since the last few days, my ex called and called and I just couldn't stand it. It was making my stomach tur in knots. SO I called her back and told her to just leave me alone and that I didn't want to hear her reasons anymore and I didn't need her apologies. She and were though and she needed to accept that. I told her she was toxic in my life right now and that slapped her back to reality.

I haven't heard a peep from her and am very grateful for that. Maybe I was hanging on to that relationship with her for unhealthy reasons. Like hoping she'd eventually take me back despite my 'flaw'. Well, its not a flaw, its ME. Like or lump it ! I feel very well now and am enjoying my freedom more than ever! Thanks again every one!

Bravo Natalie! Awesome!

It might be hard for a while, with her really gone from your life now. It also might be hard not knowing what she's thinking about all of this. But in the long run, it doesn't matter. You'll be soooo much better off with her out of your life.

It's also a very powerful lesson for yourself in the future. If someone isn't accepting of who you are (of all of you), you will have a very different reaction to that now than you did in the past.

[Tina2]

Maybe she is hurting from your breakup. People can do mean things when they are hurting. I can't really say for sure what you should do. I would be inclined to forgive her, tell her how much she hurt me and tell her that it really damaged our relationship. I might still have dinner with her, but I doubt I would be confiding much for a long time.

[LisaM]

Wow!!! This thread really hit a nerve.

Being outed like that has always been one of my biggest fears and it certainly seems to touch most people the same way.

BTW, Natalie, I think you handled it beautifully.

[Round Robin]

This was incredibly cruel. We all have secrets in our life.

[Susieboots]

Hi Natalie, I really feel for you on this one but perhaps it might be time to except her apology at some point. Life is too short and if you do, you take the high road.
GG's are tuned into feelings alot more than we are, which is why her friends and people in the restaurant let her know that what she did to you was nasty, spiteful and shameful.
She is obviously shallow which is why she offered you her dresses, you should've said that you didn't want her dresses, it was her friendship you wanted and she betrayed that, big style!! She'll feel that, friendship is important.
Let her stew abit more and then have a heart to heart with her, but you'll know not to trust her for a while, if at all.
I wish you the best with this one
good luck and lots of hugs

Susie xx

[Hali]

Going thru such a wrenching experience can be really devastating especially if u allow it to be. If i were u i will not be angry and i will not be embarrassed i will just absorb the shock. I will definitely not waste my credit to call her on phone but if she calls i will answer and cut the conversation short and from that day she has cut the privilege of being my friend.

When i see her in public again i will not approach her but wen she approach me i will respond but she'll never see my smile again apart from a polite smile.

If u chose to allow her back she'll definitely do it again.

[sherri52]

Live and let live. It's already been said, nothing you can do about that. Forget it happened or at least try, and move forward. Don't stoop to her level and say things about her that she doesn't want out. Be the woman you are and carry on

[angpai30]

There have been some good advice in here, but one thing I do not agree with is just walking away and never talking to her. Everyone makes mistakes stupid, silly or plain out wrong we all are human. She may of hurt you yes, but that does not institute not talking to her. I would probably give her a second chance, but on limited terms because she hurt you once how do you know she won't do it again? She obviously still loves you and want's to be friends, but I don't think I would let it go that far again. If she want's you as a friend she will have to prove it and if something even comes up like that again I would give her the boot and never talk to her again. I do believe in second chances sometimes it takes a downfall for one to realize how special someone is in their life. I had sometime very similar happen to me, but it was more drastic than what you have described here. I had a total break down, but over the years I have come to terms with the situation and have learned a lot from my downfall. It has taken me years to gain the trust of friends back after that instance and a lot of my friends defriended me, but as I have worked hard to improve my own sitaution I realized my own folly and hope to make things better in the future!! All I need now is some friends and support and someone to dress with and shop with to help me along the path of life to share my feelings with, to cry when I need to and do the same for them. I offer my support to any who may be going through something as this as it can, will or has happened to all of us sometime in our lives, but don't recall because it wasn't important and we either learned to forgive that person or just simply walked away without another thought; in any instance I do hope that you talk to her and let her know the situation and how you feel about her actions and that if she ever want's to be your friend or even be in your life she has to play by your rules and if she can't agree to that then like I said I would boot her to the curb.

[Karen564]

This was no doubt an very humiliating experience for you in the restaurant, and I can only imagine how you felt since your not publicly out, so I really felt so bad for you..
This was obviously a deliberate attempt to embarrass you very badly in front of her friends, but sounds like she may have did it because she never had closure with your past relationship with her, she may have even still had very strong feelings for you, because we tend to only hurt the ones we love the most, then feel absolutely horrible & low after that, it's just from being highly emotional, dont know why, just the way it is..

Gotta say, I would of been mad as h e ll at her if I was you too, but I wouldn't of been able to ignore her calls me begging for forgiveness neither, sorry, I'm just a softy when it comes to tears, so I would of given her another chance to make nice, (just one though) only because I know people make mistakes & have deep regrets, plus would hate to have even her in emotional pain over it too, but maybe what you did was for the best.. I don't know, I guess it's OK as long as it doesn't eat away at you...Guess she got what she deserved, but I just know it would bother me to have it end like this..:sad:

[Sallee]

can you think of the things you could have said when it happened that could have bit right back:devil:

[Bobbie Bee]

That was completely wrong on her part. She's no different than a school yard bully; she did that to boost her own esteem and now that her friends are gone, she wants to apologize. No way. And this is a person who was supposed to "love you?" Right. My suggestion: walk proud and don't look back for if you do let her suck up, she'll only do it again.

[lingerieLiz]

When my wife outed me to her friends, she was wasted and mad at me, it didn't really change anything. They all stayed friends and one who was very accepting enjoyed shopping with us even more. Her friend who called may be interested in your friendship.

[zora]

that was really mean.. ur better off without her friendship huns

[Yolanda_Voils]

That is just about the most cruel thing I've heard, from someone who was close...
It's great that you did not retort with a regetful blast.

I too can not forget such action, I can forgive and not dwell upon it but she could go her way, without me..

I too LOVE to dress, it is so sad that women get to wear all the beautiful and great feeling clothing.

I love the feeling of high heels, thigh-hi's, garters, longline bra's, corsets, waist cinchers, slips, long hair swishing my shoulders,, wish I could dress every day..

Business suits for women are accepted, as are short haircuts and No makeup.

Why cannot we be accepted to dress as we like ?
The neverending question..

Best of Luck
Hugs
Yolanda

[Terri Andrews]

My ex outed me to the guys that I worked with and it was rough for a while but they soon found someone else to talk about .So , move past this and enjoy your life .

[NicoleScott]

1. Next time you run into her, don't stop to chat. Keep walking.
2. Take the high road. Don't call her, don't respond. Don't get into a pissing contest with a skunk. You can't win.
3. Don't tell her how her comments hurt you. It may be exactly what she intended, and leaves you vulnerable for more of the same.
4. You don't have to confirm or deny that you like to wear dresses.
5. Leave her in you past and move on. She's bad news.

[Emily_lngstn]

I've never been outted, but I have been extremely close to being caught a few times while dressed. For me the emotions came in the following steps:

1. Panic, total heartattack inducing panic at the thought of getting caught and someone finding out.
2. Scheming, trying to come up with a plausible excuse, and not really coming up with anything good.
3. Acceptance. Knowing that you are going to get caught, so you realize you are just going to have to deal with whatever comes up.

Like I said, noone except my gf knows about that part of my life, but I realize that the more I push the my luck, the odds are someone will. When that day comes, so be it. At that point, there is nothing you can do about it, and no reason to worry. If your friends look and treat you differently, then they are not good friends anyway. If strangers look at you funny, who cares, I'm sure that anyone can point out things about any person in the world to heckle them over, just feel good knowing you are a better person for NOT doing it.

As far as your ex goes. I would act like it didn't really bother me, but I would tell her that she was definitely in the wrong for breaking a trust that the two of you had. If people do find out about your secret, and they know it really bothers you that they know, it only feeds their asshattery. If you play it off, odds are the whole thing will blow over.

[TorieGG]

So sorry that happened. Some people feel a need to make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel better-too bad for her.

[AmandaM]

If her friends think about what she did to you, they might realize someday that she might do a similur stunt to them too. Be glad she is out of your life. Consider yourself blessed that she is an "ex". DyLen

My thought exactly.

[jessidresser]

I outed myself! My city is only 32,000 people. But i don't wear a skirt, but i wear everything else female and growing my hair long. 99% of my friends enjoy me either way, male or female!
:)