Hating myself right now

[Miss Anthropic]

I really don’t know what to say here. I honestly don’t even want to write this, but I know I need to, so here goes.

Today I’ve found myself in a deep pit of despair, depression, shame and guilt after having what could only be described as a fantastic Saturday. A Saturday in which I got to do everything I desired; it seems weird that a day after having it all, I’m nearly ready to end it all.

Friday was kinda crap, as I showed my GF this forum for the first time. I was feeling really weirded out and insecure, not sure why, maybe I thought she’d see my profile on here and suddenly hate me, really don’t know. I was so insecure I kept talking and trying to change the subject as she read a few posts on here that she got rather mad at me and kind of emotional. I’m sure she’ll read this and I hope she already knows, but if not...... I am really sorry.

It’s weird, it’s taken more courage to tell her about being active on CD forums than it did to tell her that I dress. I’m so scared about some stuff for whatever reason; she still doesn’t know I go by Sara on here and have been going by Sara for over 20 years. She did ask me if I went by a girly name on here and I told her I did, but couldn’t bring myself to tell her what exactly, even though she asked..... too ashamed I guess.

At any rate, she is on these forums now and I’m glad I showed her as she told me she was wanting to find one to learn more and get some support from other SO’s in the same situation.

Onto Saturday. .

My girlfriend ended up getting Saturday off from work, which is a real rarity. After a slightly late start on the day because I woke up ill, we headed out for the day. Had a great day, did some hobby related things I haven’t had a chance to do for a while, took her two her two favorite restaurants. It was a day we really needed after dealing with all the CD’ing issues we’ve been working thru this past week or two.

As day turned into evening we found ourselves at a store shopping for makeup. I wasn’t very into it because I still get nervous shopping for femme stuff, even with her around. I also don’t really “get” makeup. I mean, I wear it, I’m ok at it and am happy with what I have; but there’s so much to learn and try.....it’s just a wall of colors that I can’t make any sense of, makes me feel bad I’m not more knowledgeable, doesn’t help that most everything I “try” turns out making my skin look awful. So not only am I uncomfortable being a guy in the makeup isle, I’m an insecure girl there too..... not fun. Anyway, the makeup ordeal wasn’t too bad as we were mostly getting stuff for her anyway.

We head home, things are still going great, especially when my girlfriend says she wants to put makeup on me when we get home....talk about a dream come true. We get home, I shave, change and start the makeup process. It was really fun and a nice thing to finally share with someone. She did a fantastic job, but I was feeling insecure about some body issues (fat everything and Mt. Everest chin) and in general felt like I looked awful so less than an hour in I had taken my makeup off.

I did sleep en femme and woke up in an ok mood but that quickly went south. I started feeling guilty for enjoying dressing and ashamed of who I am. I started getting mad at myself that I’m not enough of, or more of a man for my girlfriend and telling myself and her that she deserves better. As the afternoon wore on I really wanted to trash all my clothes, still kinda do but haven’t yet; I did end up deleting some pictures of me dressed though. As evening has turned to night I’ve started feeling self destructive but haven’t really acted on that yet.

That pretty much brings things up to when I started this post, not knowing what to say, not wanting to say anything, but knowing that it needs to said. I sat down to write this around 1am and it’s 4:35am right now and haven’t left the computer once, so that should give you idea as to how stuck I am mentally at this moment.

I do feel slightly less negative about the situation for the time being as I’ve been reading some blogs here and there, but don’t feel like I’m out of the woods; I couldn’t even bring myself to visit the forums to write this, I did it in word.

Not really sure of why I’m even going to post this but I will. I still may end up purging everything but I’ve been around the block enough time to know I should sleep on it, so I will.

Maybe talk to you all tomorrow, maybe not. At any rate, everyone here has made me feel very welcome and cared for.

Take care.

[allisonrn06]

It sounds as if your girlfriend is willing to be open minded about it. My wife is cool with me being a CD, and while I do feel a little guilty sometimes about taking so much of our time together for dressing, overall it is incredible having someone I can truly share this side of me with. I think you should give it time and as a lot of others have said on here in similar posts, let things develop at their own pace, don't push it too fast. :hugs:

[Jonianne]

There have been times when I have spent a lot of time (not too excessive) doing something I really enjoy and later felt guilty or bad for having so much fun. And that was roller skating! Depending on our personality and the way we were raised, we were sometimes taught that, for what ever crazy reason, we are not suppose to be too happy in life. If we are, its probably sin.

I had to learn to let go of some of what I was taught and to learn that its OK to be happy. That we were meant to enjoy life and the particular things that we as individuals enjoy.

Also a background of depression could be causing the guilt/sadness. What happens is when there is a super high, a super low follows EVERY time, when we are going through a time of depression in our lives.

Hang in there, don't purge, you know that. Be happy you have someone you can share with and start sharing your heart with her about these feelings. Go slow with her, but most of all enjoy the time she wants to share with you and don't allow the depression to hurt your relationship. It's OK to have fun. You are not hurting anyone.

Take care,

Joni

[Ediosa]

To me it looks and sounds like you haven't accepted yourself for what and who you are. Once you have done that, then that's when you will be more relaxed and happy. Once you have accepted yourself, is when you will realize that you are normal and not different. Like everyone on this site have stated many of times, we are all different but special. Each special in every single way. Trust me, when acceptance is achieve, life will begin.

You should feel lucky for having a girlfriend that is willing to try to understand and by the sound of it, help out. Hug her, kiss her, give her flowers and thank her for being a great girl.

[Shelly67]

I think you're torturing yourself here . We've all had times of guilt and remorse for being crossdressers . My advise is try to calm down . Take a good long walk , a soak in the tub , whatever it takes . In short , we all needed time to reflect and accept ourselves fully . If our partners are there beside us and wishing to know more , then even better .Can you sit down and discuss the issue with you're partner ? She may surprise you .However , I'm sure as time passes , you'll feel more confident and positive in finding yourself and move foward with a clear concience .........

[Sheila]

hun I am sorry you are hurting right now, mentally and emotionally ......... please don't do the purge or self harm ........ it really won'r help long term.

@I am in a lovely relationship with Debs and she still had days of loathing and self hatred over this, but we are working on them, and they are getting fewer, and yours can as well.

There is no need to feel ashamed. embarrassed or guilty for being who you are, and it sounds as if your G/F is happy about who you are, so accept her support and love for the person she sees :hugs:

I am glad she has joined and I hope that with her support and ours you can at least begin on the road to self acceptance.

PM either Debs or myself at any time if you want a chat ( I don't appear on-line but am usually around at some part of the day :)

Be good to yourself, be kind, and breath hun, just breath :hugs:

[Elsa Larson]

As far as crossdressing, many of us are our own worst enemies. We inflict as much grief and pain on ourselves as the most rabid hater would.
It's a horrible cycle: ||: elation/delight <> guilt/shame :|| ad infinitum.

I burned up a lifetime of emotional energy by my late 30's when I decided to stop the cycle.
Since I could not change the crossdressing behavior, I changed how I felt about it.
Crossdressing is neither good nor bad, it is morally neutral.
Once I stopped beating myself up about it, I could finally feel GOOD about ME !

I gave myself PERMISSION to crossdress as much as I wanted and to explore my gender identity.
I got involved with a regional support group. Met lots of others like myself. Talking to them about their strategies helped a LOT.
I organized a local support group and talked to lots of frightened/confused people on the phone before the WWW.
I spoke to college classes on human sexuality, did a local newspaper interview to counteract a front page "crossdresser behaving badly" incident and appeared on my local NBC-TV affiliate's noon program.

The result was that I regained control of my life and my mental health.

This forum is the best place I have found for exchanging useful information. There's nothing here that you could not share with a spouse, relative, neighbor, friend, coworker, whoever. I think you should be happy to have found a place full of supportive friends and proud that you are contributing to the resources here.

[mklinden2010]

Everyone has good days and bad days - especially if they set themselves the task of solving all the world's problems.

Look, crossdressing, being TG, coming out to people - none of that cures cancer or world hunger. Yet, we put a lot of time and effort into the things we do and we have to live with the notion that one choice limits our ability to do something else.

You're not a bad person because you crossdress, fiddle around with makeup, or, want a better life than you have now. What you do is something you like, want to explore, and it can be managed as part of the rest of your life.

What you do has it's limits - enjoy it for what it is. If it bothers you that your GF needs "a better man" then be a better man and find the time and place and budget for your crossdressing, model train collection, cooking obsession.

You may be feeling CDing is taking up too much time, taking you in the wrong direction, etc.... And, you may be right - who said you weren't? Thing is, "ya gotta do what you gotta do" so rather than short circuit life, manage it better.

That's the way you make a good life, a good dinner... "A little of this, a little of that... Hmmm. Finally, just right! After we get done with this, we'll figure out tomorrow's ideas..."

[Deborah Jane]

Hi Sara, I've been where you are now so many times [I still go there quite often :sad:]
The purging and self harming achieves nothing, except more self loathing and at the end of the day that isn't good for you or anybody who loves you anyway! :sad:

I think sometimes by our girlfriend accepting us, it can bring on a whole differant set of questions to the ones we normally face in dealing with this....Am I good enough for her?....Even though she is supporting me would she still prefer me not to dress?....Etc

At the end of the day, we have to remember that she has her own mind, if she didn't want to support you and didn't enjoy doing it...She wouldn't....She would just let you know, either by telling you straight or by her body language, that this isn't for her!!

Feel free to PM me at any time.....:hugs:Debs

[Michelle-Leigh]

Your GF did your makeup for you ! Many of us wish that we could be so lucky; most crossdressers' SOs merely tolerate and allow crossdressing, but do not want to see us dressed or participate in the activity. My wife is very gracious about it, and has even given me a couple of things to wear, and I am so thankful for that - but I wish that she did not have an aversion to seeing me in clothes or makeup. You have much to be happy about, so why not focus on that instead of disappointment with your feminine appearance ? There is nothing you can do to change your looks, so you must accept yourself as you are - and see yourself as your SO sees you. Our perceptions of ourselves can become dangerously inflated as we focus on what we perceive as our bad attributes, and redirecting our minds to change the focus to something positive is the best we can do to cope with this. As for the weight problem, at least there is some action you can take against it, and you might be able to put some of that self-loathing to good use by letting it drive you to exercise and diet effectively and lose the weight. I was 100 lbs. overweight myself a couple of years ago, and became very disgusted with the way it made me look and feel. I turned this disgust into determination, and since then I have skating and dieting my ass off and have stripped off 78 lbs. of that excess weight. If you exercise regularly (30 minute walk each day), cut way down on fried and high carbohydrate foods and meats (fill yourself up with lean vegetables), you may be able to do it if you stay patient and determined so that you do not give up. Then your self-perception will really take a turn for the better !

[Kristen-Gaye]

I'm really sorry you feel so bad right now. Like many have said, we've all felt bad at one time or another. You have the advantage though of being able to talk to someone close to you! I suggest you talk with your gf. Sounds like she accepts your CDing. Don't do anything rash because you usually regret it later! Good luck! :hugs:
K.

[Tina B.]

You lucky girl, you told her everything you could about yourself, and she didn't go running out of the room screaming!
Girl it's the oldest story in the cross dressing book, give in and dress up and enjoy yourself one day, and suffer with guilt, and shame, for days. But for what? Didn't your girl friend go to the store and shop for makeup with you, isn't she the one that put the makeup on you? It's not your fault, it''s hers!
Now does that make her a bad person, I don't think so! You have a lady that loves you so much that she is trying to understand you better, and help you find the thing that makes you whole, embrace it. After 50 +years of cross dressing the one thing I have learned is I am happiest when I can express my feminine side from time to time. my being happy, makes my wife happy, because I am more fun to live with. my wife is not a participant, but will tell me how cute an outfit is, or how nice I look, she does buy me feminine gifts for holidays, but that's as far as it goes, and that is OK, she has her hobbies that I don't participate in, that make her happy, and that makes me happy!
Embrace who you are, and that you are loved for it, focus on the positive, and don't dwell on the negative. You don't want to scare off a great girl that loves you and is willing to learn what it's all about, and that is what can happen if she feels that helping you makes you feel worse, after all she does not want to make you feel bad.
Tina

[Andy66]

Take a deep breath and don't do anything right now. You might feel better if you talk to someone - a counselor, a trusted friend, or your girlfriend.

If you're worried you aren't a good enough man for your girlfriend, you should talk to her and find out what she really wants, not what you assume she wants. It sounds to me she likes you just the way you are.

[Sandra]

Don't feel guilty you are doing nothing wrong. Try sitting down and talking this through with your GF she may see something that you don't, and suggest a way of helping you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are actually doing great Miss A>...

many folks go through down periods over many things and being tg is just one of them

the cocktail of guilt, shame and fear is pretty potent and addictive....the more guilt, the more shame and then the more guilt...and on it goes

my little cliche is to just say NO...stop drinking it and your life will open up for u....you gf seems pretty great about it and even if you have ups and downs about it, if you take it as it comes, stopping drinking that cocktail and accept yourself...then you (and her) will be better for..

if you think about it, self acceptance is one of the best things a person can do for themselves in all things...

all the best to you!
kate

[Kathi Lake]

Hi Miss!

I was going to add words of encouragement and advice, but reading through the posts here, I find I have nothing to add. Well, that would be very unlike me, so I will add this:

Look at the posts above. Read them. Count them! In addition to your girlfriend, you have many people who care for you. Many of us care for you because we are you. We've all been there. For some of us, it is a cycle. For others, it is a temporary speed bump on the way to acceptance. I do hope your path is a straight one, and that you understand that you are not a bad person - merely different. I view my dressing as a blessing, not a curse. I get to walk outside the normal boundaries of what society views as a man. Does that make me less of a man? Heck no! If anything, I am more than a man to my wife. I not only can remodel a house, but I can take my wife shopping, and spoil her because I know how much fun a new outfit can bring. I am strong for her, and yet more empathetic and more tender than most men would risk being.

So, flush all of the anger, guilt, shame, and feelings of failure away. There is no cause for any of those feelings. Basically, stop feeling bad about yourself (and focusing on your feelings), man up, and show your girlfriend how much you care.

Kathi

[suchacutie]

Welcome and we're all so glad you are here with us!

Until four years ago I hated Halloween, could never even think of playing a role in a play, and was totally uncomfortable being anyone than the specific male person that I had worked to become. That all changed almost overnight with the help of a loving wife.

My wife and I are very protective of Tina, and we consider her our personal exploration. It looks like you have a chance to do the very same thing. If she is interested in doing your makeup, it looks like you have a winner. Please continue to talk with her and join forces to understand your inner self. You are clearly already quite lovely (if your picture is any indication!) with a mate to join forces with to understand who you are, you have potential emotional security that few could hope for.

We are who we are, and as the quote says, "to thine own self be true". Others might not agree with your choices, but then you might not agree with theirs! Only you must live with your choices, so let them be the ones you want, and with a loving partner to share them, they can only get better and better!

Please let us know how it goes as we are all pulling for you!

Tina

[KayC]

I am going to write my gut feelings in response to you so will read others' responses after I'm done as I want this to be my fresh response.
Could you be having a knee-jerk reaction to telling her? I wouldn't think this would be too uncommon. I think a person should "sit on it" a month before purging...likely everything will look different tomorrow and it's very expensive to have to go out and replace everthing.
You need to understand that your dressing feminine does not negate your masculinity to your GF. You ARE "enough" for her or she wouldn't be with you! This is just an added bonus. I'm sure she enjoyed your time together, so don't ruin it by overreacting, esp. around her. Understand that even these feelings are normal, but ride them out and get past them. You ARE okay, now realize it! The two of you can enjoy putting on makeup and dressing, and have fun with it...just don't go so overboard that she never gets to see you in your masculine mode or she may feel gypped. Talk to her about her thoughts and feelings and needs, and the two of you come to an agreement on what will work best for the two of you, understanding that your balance may be different from other people's. If she can accept you as is, why can't you? What would your advice to her be if roles were reversed?

[Olivia]

Miss, you are a crossdresser. You don't have anything to be ashamed of nor should you feel guilty. I know we've all done our share of that though. But, it is okay to accept that you are a crossdresser. You are what you are. There's no need to change that. Again, as said earlier, many here would envy your situation; she helped you with makeup! I have an accepting wife and children, I can dress at home every day, but I still get the gender blues that I can relate to body issues too. I suspect that is also common "around these parts." But, the bottom line? Please don't be ashamed or feel guilty. Relax for a bit, the darkness will lift, and the light will come through. Good luck to you hon, Olivia

[sherri52]

Sara your gf is coming around to you, don't discard that with all that you have. No one can say what you should or shouldn't do, but if you decide to get rid of everything then I suggest putting it in a box and storing it. If you do this and decide to cd again it may be harder on your gf that you started again just as she thought i was over. She may still be willing to help out. The future is unwriten and only you can express how you feel.

[megolopolis]

My boyfriend just discovered that he likes to dress. At first I was very open to the idea, but the more I think about it, the more nervous it makes me. I love him dearly and don't want to say anything about this to hurt his feelings. You should be happy that she wants to be supportive of you. I wish I could do that for my bf, but I don't really know how.

[Miss Anthropic]

Still here, not 100% and still feeling a little flat.......but still here. I guess that's a start.

I want to thank everyone for the kind responses and support, it really does help to have others prospective on the situation. I've been in this funk before and know how to work my way out of it, but it's hard to remember those lessons when in such a panic and stricken by fear.

I first want to say that this stumble of mine was in no way caused or influenced by my girlfriend. She has been absolutely great about this whole thing, I really could not ask for more. No, everything that went on last night was just me giving into the same feelings of guilt I always have.

After I posted last night I managed to calm myself down by dragging out the guitar and playing for a few hours to get my mind off everything I was feeling. It really helped distance myself enough from all that was going on to get out of panic mode and examine exactly what I was feeling.

I don't want to blame anyone, but I know the guilt comes from my grandparents. I was practically raised by them and not only were they very, very christian and frowned upon femininity in guys, but they also taught me that you keep problems to yourself; that seems a lesson that’s hard to forget.

A few years ago I honestly thought I was over the shame and guilt, I was dressing several times a week and even went out a few times dressed; I was happy and actually proud of who I was. I didn’t think I would ever end up feeling guilty again like I do now, but I guess a year or two worth of being back in the closet brought all of it back.

Anyhow, things are still shaky right now, but I feel like I’m back on the road of being ok and maybe even learning some self acceptance.

[crusadergirl]

I know how you feel i get like that sometimes. Anytime i feel bad i normally blame it on cding and want to throw all my stuff away. Really i been feeling like that lately and i haven't had a bad day besides not getting much sleep.I hope you get to feeling better.

[docrobbysherry]

If u EVER figure out how to get rid of the GUILT perminantly, please let us know!:thumbsup:

I, have been trying to, for YEARS!:sad:

[Kristen-Gaye]

The guilt & shame thing is tough to shake no doubt about it but just because someone has entrenched there own morals into you doesn't mean that it's right! I've decided to tell myself that I'm doing nothing wrong, I'm not breaking any laws & as far as I know there's nothing in the bible that says I'm a sinner because I CD!

Maybe you need to talk with a professional but hang in there. If I know one thing, this crazy world of CDing will probably always be with you. I hope that last sentence hasn't made you run for the razor blades! LOL. :hugs:
K.

[Miss Anthropic]

Once agian I'd like to thank everyone for being there for me thru this tough time, I'm not sure I could've made without you all.

Had a great date evening out with my GF and I'm feeling like new. I haven't had a chance to dress again yet, but maybe this weekend. However I am feeling well enough that I think I'll post a pic or three from the other night in the Gallery. I wasn't happy with many of them but I think there may be a few in there.

Oh, and my GF read this thread start to finish and everything went well, I'm so happy.

~Sara

[mklinden2010]

The reference to your grandparents....

I often wonder what people's lives are really like without parents and grandparents around all their lives. Mine were all tangled up with each other all their lives, but they were always close by...

Grandmothers particularly. One offered this advice about life, "Whatever you are going to do or be, do and be the best you can at that." The other offered, "Life isn't easy. Just make what you can of it."

When it comes to xding, my focus is to be the best xder I can manage. That means a good selection of colors and textures, proper fitting clothes, current styles, and so forth - without breaking the bank or taking too much time from something else.

Feeling guilty about xding? It's my business and I manage it well. So long as I meet my standards, I hardly think about it beyond, "Good, I got that right."

Work more, worry less.

[AmandaM]

Talk to your girl about your feelings. She'll help. :)