How to Remember Female Self after death

[maggiecdva]

Sorry if this topic is too morbid but I need some suggestions.

First a bit of history ... I will be 50 in December. I also have stage 4 colon cancer. So far through treatment they have kept the cancer in check but eventually it will be too much for even chemo to hold back.

With that in mind what things can I do so that my female self is remembered along with my male self? There are a few people who know about maggie but not many. I'd like to do something so that Maggie will be remembered in some way along with my male side.

Thanks for the help and bless you all.

hugs - maggie

[Ralph]

How does anyone get remembered for anything? You can't control what aspects of yourself people will most remember; you can only do your best to leave a memorable (hopefully positive) impression on them.

Want people to remember you as Maggie for all time? Dress up in your favorite Maggie outfit and get yourself into the newspaper - jump off the tallest building in the city when you know you only have a few days left, or rob a bank, or drive your car up the steps of city hall... or donate everything you own to charity leaving only Maggie's clothes to your heirs. THAT will get them talking about, and remembering, Maggie for all time!

My point is, it's not what you say or pictures you leave behind that nobody will actually look at... it's what you do that touches people's lives. I'd much rather my kids remember me as a fun dad who taught them how to laugh at life, and I don't really give a rat's girdle that they remember what I was wearing at the time.

[happygirl]

A question asked for us all to ponder. I think a tastefull photoshoot is in order here to be displayed and a note from Maggie to all loved ones letting them know your inner feelings. Hope this helps. Love, Lyn

[KayC]

I agree, you can't really display both your male self and your female self at the same time to do justice to either, and maybe you don't want an open casket anyway, but if you're having a memorial service, maybe a picture of your male self along side the picture of your female self with both names displayed...
Whatever you do, make your wishes known in writing so your family carries it out, that way there's no disputing/fighting over what to do when the time comes. My MIL made a living will when she was diagnosed with cancer and it made it so much easier on us when the time came...she had what dress she wanted on, down to the hymns to be sung, it really helped...what a thoughtful, caring person she was!

And BTW, I'm sorry to hear of your cancer, I hope they can keep it at bay for many years.

[trisha59]

How about a memorial tree planted in a park.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

Maggie,

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation :hugs:. I can only suggest that if you want to be remembered as Maggie in the wider world that you do something memorable. Maybe run a marathon for charity as Maggie?

[Nicole82]

maybe on your tombstone you could ask for the name to be displayed as firstname "Maggie" surname

best of wishes with your battle

Nicole

[Hope]

While I do find the the ideas about flinging one’s self off of buildings, or robbing banks, or plowing over pedestrians with your car mildly amusing in that rather grotesque 13 year old boy sort of way, I’m guessing that those are not particularly helpful suggestions. At least, I hope you are not seriously considering them. I seriously doubt that the way you wish to be remembered is by a newspaper headline involving the words “lunatic transvestite.”

Which brings us to the meat of the matter: How do you wish to be remembered, and by whom? The answer to that question will likely dictate the form and nature of the sort of legacy you wish to craft. If you do want to be remembered as the “lunatic transvestite” then by all means, go out with all guns blazing, but be decent about it and find a way to do it that won’t harm others - including the trans community.

If your female side is something you would rather have remembered by just your family and close associates, (as she has been known in life) then something less public would likely be in order. Consider a posing for a professional photo en fem for the mantle, or perhaps even a final family photo en fem. Perhaps you could create a scrapbook of your various photos and include stories about your experiences, and your motivations. Perhaps while you still feel up to it you might throw, or attend a few splendid parties as your fem self. One of the best ways to be remembered is by the way you live.

If you want a more public memorial that is constructive rather than destructive, there are any number of options. Depending on your means and inclination you might fund a scholarship in your name for young trans girls at your local state college, or perhaps endow a faculty chair in a discipline of your choosing. You could leave a substantial gift to a CD / trans organization of your choice (or perhaps the Human Rights Campaign with the caveat that they have to take trans issues seriously). If you wanted to be truly magnanimous, you could spend your final days establishing a foundation bearing your name that would work for CD / Trans awareness; something along the lines of the Susan G. Komen foundation.

Another consideration, would be to come out completely to the world. It is just a simple statistical fact that the greater number of people who know about your fem self, the greater number of people will remember her as well. It is probably equally true that the more often folks see you en femme, the more likely they are to remember you en femme.

The key, I think, is to find the thing that seems right to you - this is perhaps the one time in your life when it can be all about you. But your best pump forward.

I would also suggest that you take steps now to protect whatever assets you have accumulated. You are about to find out that dying slowly in America is an astronomically expensive proposition; even if you have “good” “insurance.” If you want to fund a scholarship, do it before you die, don’t leave it in your will - unless you happen to have the sort of wealth that can handle a few million dollars in medical expenses and still be able to fund a faculty chair. In which case you have professionals who are already protecting your assets.

[katieblush]

How about getting your ashes turned into a diamond,and then embed it into a wedding ring to be passed down through your family.I don't think you are being morbid i think you are showing your feminine side respect,after all the Romans buried some men with female clothes and jewelry and we have supposedly advanced in our society since then with compassion.Sorry to hear of your cancer,i have had close relatives with it recently all seem to be on the mend.:hugs:

[Alice B]

I just learned yesterday that I have a heart condition known as "the widow maker" Hopefully it can be taken care of, but if the worst happens Alice will remain in the closet. Those of my family and friends that know will still remember that part of my life, but their is no need to involve everyone else.

[melissacd]

Maggie,

It is an interesting question, very important to you and struck a chord with me. I am not aware of any imminent demise and yet every day could be one's last. So how do we memorialize who we are? Should we perhaps is a better question.

This resonates with me because as I am going through my own evolution I find that I have become very disconnected from all that defined my past life - friends, family etc. If I were to vanish from the face of the earth right now I am not sure my male side would be remembered, let alone my femme side. But does it really matter.

Maybe being remembered at all is not the point. If we are remembered or not does it really matter once we are gone? Perhaps, it is more important to live your life in the now, just be who you want to be and enjoy each moment as much as you can. You have no control over anything other than yourself. Being remembered, whichever persona that is, is a very romantic thought and is great fuel for the ego, but it really does not add anything to our personal lives.

I am sad for your situation, all I can suggest is live what time you have to the fullest, enjoy the Maggie within yourself and use this as an opportunity to really embrace her in all her glory and beauty.

Huggs
Melissa

[tricia_uktv]

This is my question because it always tells me what I need to know.

Which three songs would you like to die to?

You could play with that, and I'm very sorry,

Try to keep going,

Hugs

[JulieK1980]

Simple, Do something memorable for someone else as Maggie.. Impact another persons life in a positive way, and that will make you immemorial to them. It doesn't have to be something big, sometimes a small gesture of honest kindness will be remembered for a lifetime. I'm very sorry to hear of your situation, I wish you the absolute best! :hugs:

[MAJESTYK]

Maggie, it may only be my opinion but, does everone who really matters to you know Maggie? I would suggest that, good or bad an outcome, let them know. Let them know how much of a part of you Maggie is. Both you and they deserve no less. They will at least know "you" then. I also think that the picture idea is a good one. Even if you are not at the stage where you can make it widely know, you can then pass them on to someone who does know and who matters..............No, we all know that this is not neccesary because the doctors will keep you around for a while yet! Apositive attidude is important!
One thing to know, we here will not forget and we know "you" already!

:hugs::hugs:In spades to you and take care

[TJ Tresa]

First of all Maggie, let me say I am sorry to hear of your cancer, My hopes and prayers are with you.
Now, for the second part. If you want Maggie to be remembered after you are gone, then think along the lines of what you would do to have your male self remembered, then just simply do it with Maggie's name. For example, If you have the money/funds, start a foundation under the name of Maggie, or something. I am sorry i don't have anything better.

[Elvira]

I've discussed this very same subject with my girlfriend and we have both come to the agreement that if i pass away before her, she will dress me up in my favourite Elvira outfit with heels makeup and wig and i will be layed to rest as Elvira! Not many people know about my femme side so that will be my way of letting everybody know who I realy was! All my best wishes to you and i wish you the greatest strength in your troubled times!

[sherri52]

Add that info to your will. If you put it in writing and have it read over your body. I have it in my will to be dressed as a girl and the undertaker has the clothes I want to be burried in. I can only hope I go after my father or thier will be a fight regardless what the will says. P.S. I'm not ready

[Laura_Stephens]

How about a memorial tree planted in a park.

I think that is a wonderful idea!

Also, Maggie, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Hope]

I have it in my will to be dressed as a girl and the undertaker has the clothes I want to be burried in. I can only hope I go after my father or thier will be a fight regardless what the will says.

What you say is absolutely the truth. I have performed enough funerals to know that the directions the undertaker follows are not the directions of the deceased, it's the directions of the living family member who shouts the loudest / pays the bill.

[Cathytg]

Oh, my! Five years ago I was surprised to learn that I needed an emergency quad bypass. Three months later it failed and, although I fixed it with stents, I have felt very mortal ever since.

But I have never asked myself that question even though Cathy is as much a part of me as is Dennis. My first reaction is to write a letter telling the world how I have experienced it through the lens of my gender position. I think I would no more be remembered as Cathy as I would Dennis. I am me and perhaps that has some value to be shared.