Chickened out again

[Jamie VieJolie]

I've started dressing again so I need some basic items.I went today to Wal-Mart to buy some makeup. It has always been nerve wracking for me to shop for feminine things in public.

I thought to myself "ok, you're not doing anything wrong or illegal. The people at Wal-Mart cannot hurt you and most don't care about what you are doing.

As soon as I got in the store I started feeling panicky. I headed for the cosmetics section. There was a girl in the aisle I was in and I just kept pushing my cart along.

I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't even handle the thought of being judged much less having someone look at me funny or with scorn.

I'm a naturally shy person. I'm not comfortable with attention. I'm a tall person 6'3" which attracts attention anyway.

I know I shouldn't care but I just can't get over my fear. I'm really sick of buying things through the internet or the mail.

I'm guessing I'm not the only one who has felt deep embarrassment when shopping. Have any of you managed to overcome this?

I know I should be more confident but my sensitivity is one of the reasons why I enjoy the feminine role.

I saw a flamboyantly gay black guy walking through the store. I applaud him for being himself.

I just wish I knew why I am so terrified of being judged.

[Mandy Burgundy]

I totally feel you. That's usually how it goes when shopping for the 1st time. I found that the more you do it, the more de-sensitized you get from the surroundings. I remember I would ask for gift receipts when buying femme stuff that way they know its for a girlfriend or something. Then after a while it got to the point where sometimes a clerk would jokingly say "oh this would look so good on you", but it wouldn't affect me cause im so comfortable I'll be like "so what if it looks good on me"...(ha ha) Then ask for a gift receipt..booyah, now you know its for someone else...
If that doesn't help theres always online shopping. Good luck out there..

[Elvira]

Don't worry about it! I'm just as shy as you are. I always have to take my girlfriend with me whenever i need makeup or clotihing and accessories for Elvira? I'm becoming braver though as i'm starting to wear light barely noticible makeup and nail polish on my fingernails in public. Maybe i'll be able to go into the store on my own soon a purchase all of Elvira's stuff on my own!

[Brenda456]

You are not alone. The other day a sales assistant came up to me and offered assistance when I was looking at some shoes. It made me very nervous. We chatted a moment and I would up leaving the store. Of course, the problem is, I really liked the shoes. . .

[Michelle-Leigh]

Jamie, dear,

I buy cosmetics, jewelry, and clothing from retail stores. The initial fear is difficult to overcome, but if you realize that hardly any one will give you a second thought, you can steel yourself and brave it out for the first time. Just don't make too much eye contact with anyone in the section, and it will be just as though you are just another woman shopping for whatever. When you get to the cashier, simply chill out and say no more than is necessary, and you will found that no cashier will even raise an eyebrow. The trick is to maintain a calm nonchalant demeanor, as it prevents the drawing of undue attention from those around you. Once you get through that first time, you will become more and more emboldened (Girl, I have even taken blouses, gowns and skirts into dressing rooms and checked their fit.... ) and you will become more and more oblivious, as Mandy pointed out. Trust us, you will later wonder what cowed you about shopping in the first place !

Best of Luck, Jamie !

[StarrOfDelite]

My experience has been that this is a good time of year to shop for clothes or shoes or cosmetics if you're prone to being embarrassed, because you feel like you can pass it off as being for a costume party if anyone asks.

I've only ever had one cashier make a comment, when I was buying a black satin bustier, and I replied that I was going to be the biggest tease at the Halloween party. She sort of giggled nervously after that, and I had the satisfaction of knowing that it made her more uncomfortable than I was.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Jamie-

Like so many of the other girls, I can relate to how you feel. I used to feel exactly the same way, I would make up my mind to do it, climb all the way up to the highdive and teeter on the edge of the board and then panic and turn around and feel like the biggest chicken in the world.

I finally overcame it and now buying makeup feels about the same as buying a brick of cheese at the supermarket...well maybe not exactly, I still get an illicit thrill from cheddar. No one has ever made any comment or raised an eyebrow. To be honest, I thought I was going to throw up the first time I did it and I looked so nervous they probably thought I was shoplifting or something. (Oddly enough, it felt like the first time I bought a pack of condoms when I was a teenager.) You can do it and you will when the time is right. FWIW, you can pretend that all of us here are along with you and holding your hand...though it would make the aisle kind of crowded, wouldn't it?

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Kathi Lake]

I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't even handle the thought of being judged much less having someone look at me funny or with scorn.

I'm a naturally shy person. I'm not comfortable with attention. I'm a tall person 6'3" which attracts attention anyway.

I know I shouldn't care but I just can't get over my fear. I'm really sick of buying things through the internet or the mail.

I'm guessing I'm not the only one who has felt deep embarrassment when shopping. Have any of you managed to overcome this?
Jamie, you can do it! You can do it without feeling judged as well. I learned long ago that if I wouldn't seek that person's opinion, then it didn't really matter to me, did it? Men buying makeup these days is almost a daily event - even at Wally World. If there's another girl in the aisle with you, smile at her! Chances are, she'll smile back. If she initiates a conversation, you can put on the "dumb guy" act (which women seem to think isn't an act :))and ask for advice.

Yes, I have been embarrassed in the past, but if you have read any of my shopping posts, I think you'll agree that it is possible to overcome it - even if only a little bit. :)


Of course, the problem is, I really liked the shoes. . .Brenda, the solution to your problem is simple - get the shoes!! When I ask shoe sales people if I'm the only man that has bought there, they usually respond with a "heck no!" As time marches on, we're getting bolder and going out and getting what we want. People are accepting this. Go get the shoes, girl! Then show us pictures, 'cause we like to see. :)

Kathi

[Celeste]

I do feel the same and also wonder if it will ever go away.A few things that help me are realizing that it is a leap and an assumption on my part that anyone else has any idea what I'm doing with the products or who they're for.Some stores have a more private cosmetic section,also there are all night drug stores,try the middle of the night when there's no one there.I will mix in my guy products with all the femme stuff,just makes me feel better about it.

Last,if people are going to let their imaginations run wild in jumping to conclusions about what your buying,maybe its time for a life of their own.

[ChanDelle]

Try making a grocery list with the items you're interested in. Then if you get uncomfortable, pretend like you're comparing the list against what's on the shelf. Many men today shop for the whole family. My wife hates going to the grocery store, and many times put "female" items on the list for me. No problem buying almost anything legitimately for someone else is there?

Nobody really knows what you're doing and what you're buying something for. It's just our "guilty" conscience coming out I suppose.

I'll bet if some woman comes around and you complained how hard it was to shop for your wife, she'll dive in and help. Most women think men are so pathetically stupid about "girl" things, they'll feel good about lending a hand.

Good luck, and believe me, it gets easier the more you do it. Hope this helps.

ChanDelle

[jnorton47]

OMG can i relate to this thread. This last summer I wanted so bad to buy some sexy short at wal mart, but chickened out each time I went in. Now I have to wait tell next year as wal mart has changed the clothing line for fall. I have the same problem with shoes. I want a pair of wedges (If I can find them in my size. LOL) so bad but too self conscious to go though with it. :wall:

[Miranda09]

Oh can I ever relate to how you feel Jamie. Sometimes I'll go to a store with the intent to at least look at items and when I get there, my mind says...mmmmm not today!!! Other times I've just told myself to go in and shop like anybody else, and when I do that, with confidence, no one notices. In fact, I often get smiles. So it's all a matter of how you perceive yourself. Go in nervous, people will notice, tho I admit, I still get cold feet now and then. :)

[sherri52]

The best way to shop is to shop. Don't question yourself and don't worry about what the sales assoc. will think. Most SA's are looking for sales and hope you come back to them.

[Miss Anthropic]

Try making a grocery list with the items you're interested in. Then if you get uncomfortable, pretend like you're comparing the list against what's on the shelf. Many men today shop for the whole family. My wife hates going to the grocery store, and many times put "female" items on the list for me. No problem buying almost anything legitimately for someone else is there?

ChanDelle

I've totally done that before. Look at the shelves, look at the list, get a look on your face that says "I can't believe I've got to buy this crap for her" and go for it.

I really feel for you, it is very tough, I still am too afraid most of the time, even when my SO is there with me.

[Jamie VieJolie]

It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one. I feel like such a huge chicken. It really is part of my feminine nature to feel so deeply.

I'm not a coward. I've made some huge changes in my life to better my situation. I've seen a lot of people stay in a bad situation just because change was such a frightening prospect.

The thing is that people just make me so nervous. I hated public speaking in school. My hands shook and my voice trembled.

I don't like crowds or being crowded.

I'm very happy and comfortable in nature. Rattlesnakes don't scare me but I'm terrified of the checkout girl at Wal-Mart. I'm so silly.

[Fab Karen]

Stop thinking so much. Don't look at a woman on the aisle where you want to look, focus on what you're looking for. If you need to relax your mind more, just roleplay in your head: my wife/girlfriend told me to buy her X product, it's no big deal. Nobody is staring.
Once you do it, you'll see your fear doesn't match reality.

[tricia_uktv]

Hi Jamie,
It is not as bad as you think (promise). My blog doesn't go back to the first time I started doing this and I can remember hanging about shops trying to get the confidence to walk in.

My advice is, find a shop assistant you think you like. Tell herb precisely what you are and what and you want. Then watch yourself fly. You will be extremely unluckly if you are turned down.

Remember, "Excuse me, I am a crossdresser and I like the look of" (it doesn't matter) will take all the pressure away and you will enjoy yourself for the rest of the time.

Go for it, and have fun :)

[Katie Layne]

I certainly get nervous. The only thing that gets me through it is thinking "screw em'! Let's rattle some cages." if they have issues with me - then so be it. This is me and I can't put up with both the heavy desire to dress and an inability to shop for girly things. I always figure if anyone asks - I'll just say my SO already went to the car or something. "Never underestimate the power of denial".

[Xenia]

Jamie, I'm right there with you. If your name wasn't at the top of your post, I would've sworn I'd written it myself....well, except that I'm actually 6'4". :)

What bugs me the most about being shy is that I rationally know that it doesn't make any sense. As you say, shopping for girly stuff isn't illegal. There aren't any "No Men Allowed" signs posted anywhere. The other shoppers are strangers that I'll never see again and whose opinions don't matter one iota. I know the sales staff is far more likely to be sympathetic than judgmental. But I still chicken out most times. Doesn't make a darn bit of sense.

Honestly, I wish I could bottle that scorching taste of bitter defeat, so I could use it as motivation the next time. :)

[Alice Torn]

You sound much like me! At six foot six, I draw attention, big time. I always bought hose mail order, at first.n 2005, i bought my first thrift store dress. Slowly, very, gradually, over five years, i now, have a "damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!" attitude, and regularly buy dresses, skirts, tops,hose, and makeup. But, i wait, until no one else is right nearby, or if i am in their line of view, i wait. There are times, that i still chicken out, but, I am blocking the fear more often. Some days are easier than others, for all of us.

[donnatracey]

Hi Jamie,
It is not as bad as you think (promise). My blog doesn't go back to the first time I started doing this and I can remember hanging about shops trying to get the confidence to walk in.

My advice is, find a shop assistant you think you like. Tell herb precisely what you are and what and you want. Then watch yourself fly. You will be extremely unluckly if you are turned down.

Remember, "Excuse me, I am a crossdresser and I like the look of" (it doesn't matter) will take all the pressure away and you will enjoy yourself for the rest of the time.

Go for it, and have fun :)

Uh, for someone who is already feeling uncomfortable def NOT the strategy I would use, esp in the cosmetics section.....:eek:

[Shelby]

I just came home from shopping at a thrift store wit a bag full of dresses. First none of them are for me but rather for a school play and we are in need of some gowns of various sizes. So here I am brousing through every dress in stock and all these teen girls are out shopping as well. Not only is it halloween costume time, but Homecoming week for many schools next week. So you have themed dress up days in school followed up with the dance. I in there competing for dresses with teenage girls. Some asked me what I was looking for with simple curiousity to which I responded in truth and others just kept looking. I'm dressed as a guy coming home from work and twice their age but it was sort of fun.

[trannie T]

Jamie, I smiled as I read your post. It describes me perfectly a few years ago. There were many times I went shopping for femme things and came out of the store with a set of screwdrivers. Keep shopping you will eventually develop the courage to buy something and then decide that shopping is actually fun.

[Sally2005]

One way to do it is convince yourself what you want to buy is for some other reason than pure CDing. For instance, if you decided to dress up as an office worker for halloween you will need to buy stuff to make it possible, if you were buying your wife a birthday gift or you are researching something for your business. There is a saying, "start with the end in mind" and if you can do that without getting distracted with emotions you will be fine.

[Miss Anthropic]

.....What bugs me the most about being shy is that I rationally know that it doesn't make any sense. As you say, shopping for girly stuff isn't illegal. There aren't any "No Men Allowed" signs posted anywhere. The other shoppers are strangers that I'll never see again and whose opinions don't matter one iota. I know the sales staff is far more likely to be sympathetic than judgmental. But I still chicken out most times. Doesn't make a darn bit of sense......

That's what gets me too and I get so mad at myself. Then I'm in a bad, ashamed, shut down mood and pretty unresponsive. My GF will get mad at me because she says there really isn't any reason I should be getting scared and closing down, it's just makeup or whatever. She's totally right in that respect, but just because it doesn't make sense doesn't mean I can stop from feeling that way, it just happens no matter how silly it is.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

You have basically described how my shopping experiences. Which one would think would be easier after several years of shopping in male mode. I basically still get just as nervous now as when I was 18 shopping for items. Maybe in another 10 years this will finally get easier.

[Rebecca Jayne]

The other day I had a list for wally world:
Male sweat pants
candle tarts
hinges
nail polish
cotton balls
nail polish remover

Picked all that up plus a new Fruit of the Loom stripe bra and panty set

This all for me okay so far so good.

Now I go to check out and head to the self check out and now their systems glitches, can't pick up the item I scanned and the bagging system can't tell if I put it in the bag.
Has trouble reading my credit card, finally I'm done and as I leave I chuckle at the SA working the system, she just smiles nad nods her head. But I got what I wanted despite their checkout system, so sometimes its not picking out the product its paying for it.

[FrancescaDreamer]

Hi Jamie, I have the same problem too...this past weekend I went to look at some blouses in a department store in the mall, but only ended up wandering around the store, hardly even looking at any and felt bad when I left. I got really down on myself. I have a problem shopping close to home, so I got to drive a least 30 minutes away. I keep on thinking I would see someone I knew and that I would need to explain myself. The whole expedition drove me crazy! I would say it's really about taking small steps (baby steps)...for me the fact I'm even making an effort to go to the store to look is one step closer something even more rewarding...I may not get find that blouse and buy it next time I go to the store or the next time after that again...I may "chicken-out" again"....but so what, I know I will feel bit more brave in time and perhaps the following time I may do something brash, like walk down the aisle and take a look at something that catches my eye, perhaps even pick it up off the rack to give it a closer look. Next thing I know I'm walking out of the store with a beautiful blouse. All I can say, is take your time, take small steps, try to enjoy the experience, even though it's tough! This is actually the first time I have posted on this site...which was is a big step for me following series of small steps...several months ago I couldn't hardly get myself to address my cross-dressing side at all. Good luck to you! Keep on walking forward!

[JenniferZ2009]

For me it was when I really understood that it does not matter what someone you do not know thinks that I got over my fear.

I have started to wre articles out as welland today I wore my new sweatshirt (female) to blockbusters after work (mens clothes) and it was ok.

After awhile you do get more comfortable with shopping. It helps when you know what you are looking for and what your size is. What I did to figure out my size is to buy a pair of pants that I thought looked right and then got home tried it on and returned it for the next size up. I did that a few times at a couple of stores and now I know I were a size 10 comfortable and a size 9 very tightly depending on the brnad.

Every step you take builds courage and the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

I wish you the best of luck.

[AmberNation]

Stores with self check outs make things easier. And if you are nervous, maybe just push your cart through the makeup section or whatever and just look around a little as you pass through. It might help you become more comfortable if you don't have the pressure of selecting or buying anything. People will just think you are taking a shortcut, but eventually you will be more comfortable and be able to buy things without being nervous.

[Nicole Erin]

heh , well, part of the fear is with walmart I bet

Not everyone who shops at walmart is a hick but that place does tend to attrct them. And as we know, if anyone is going to be smart ass, it will be some hick.

I think if you tried a different store with less hicks you might not be as nervous.

[Tina2]

Find a Wal-Mart that is open 24 hours and go late at night or early in the morning when there aren't as many people around.

I went through several stages over the years.

- Walking by the women's section several times but feeling uncomfortable looking into the section.
- Walking through the section on the way to another part of the store, but not stopping.
- Stopping on the edge of the section to look at an item for a moment.
- Browsing through the section.

Once you are browsing it is a small step to purchase something.

I haven't gotten to the point of taking anything into the dressing room.