Help GG's, Big Storm and a Small Boat!

[charlie]

After a year of not accepting my dressing hardly at all my wife has flown into a sea of sorrow, disgust, hate and rage. It appears she made believe that it was not so, and now can not stand it. She loves me deeply, but she cannot and will not accept my dressing in feminine attire. The idea is something that she can not balance in her mind. I have read the Family and Love ones section of the forum here and am reaching out to the GG members here. I need the insight and advice from ladies that have gone through this disappointment, rage and feeling that their husbands are less then the male that they thought they married. My wife (whom I dearly love) does not believe she can go on if I continue to dress. She does not even want rules I can dress under...the idea of me dressing kills her. She DOES want to see what I dress in, the physical garments, because she just cannot believe that I like wearing makeup, skirts, dresses and panties. I do not want to lose her. I would gladly quit dressing if I could. However, I don't want to make a vow that I cannot keep either. So my question is how did you ladies handle it when you learned that your SO was a crossdresser? What were your thoughts and how did you finally reconcile them? I'm out on a limb and do not know where to go. Please give me your advice and insight.

[alexis GG]

For my SO and I we spent hours talking... he told me just as we were getting together... that was 5 1/2 years ago... and even now we still talk, I still ask questions... I also joined this forum and asked other GG's things that I felt my SO couldn't answer, even though I told him the kinda things I was wondering about and even we talked about (we have no secrets), but I just wanted another GG's point of view.
Maybe you could encourage your wife to join us, it may help her understand, but the key thing is communication

[KellyV GG]

Hi Charlie. I really feel for what you and your wife are going thru. Wish I had a magic answer for you. First, was there an incident or something that came up that caused your wife to fall in to this state of mind now? Seems like maybe there's been a lake of communication or maybe she's been bottling up alot of stuff.

There's nothing that can prepare a woman to deal with this and we all handle it in own own way. Not everyone is going to be understanding, let alone accepting. She didn't sign up for this. We're all built differently and I can only tell you what worked for me. First...we had and have...quite a perfect relationship, a strong foundation and truly love and like each other. If there were other issues to begin with, I can see how this would completely push a woman over the edge. The first step for me in getting over the anger, betrayal, the fact that he completely misrepresented his true self to me...all of that stuff, was education. I don't know how you can come to peace with or accept something you don't understand. And this is a lot to even begin to attempt to understand. The more I learned, the more facts I collected, the more people I talked to, the more I understood, the easier it became to first deal with all of the fears and emotions and craziness in my own mind and start to deal with it rationally from an informed point of view. Also...it was important for me to realize how common this really is. My first thought was great...I find the man of my dreams and he's gay. I didn't know any better. And know that I really understand the pain and the shame and everything you experience as a CD, I have a huge level of compassion and completely understand the sneaky, hiding part.

I've come to really embrace "her" and I know that that is hugely a result of the way we communicate about it. He doesn't throw anything in my face, doesn't have any expectations from me. when you feel pushed, you push back. When you feel like the other person doesn't expect you to react in a certain way but really wants to help you understand, you have room to breathe. Dunno if that makes sense.

this can be a very frightening thing for a wife to learn. And fear usually morphs in to anger and rage and depression and just spirals out of control. So...my best advice to you would be to be extremely sensitive and compassionate with her and help her learn and cope and deal with her feelings before you start making rules regarding your dressing. Please try to get her to join the forum. There are some incredible GG's here with lots of great insights.

And you know you can't make any vows about not dressing..and you shouldn't. You are who you are...you couldn't come clean for a million self protective reasons, but now that it's out there you owe it to both of you to be completely honest from here on out. Even if it means losing her. I truly hope that doesn't happen. Good luck.....Kelly

[Di]

Please do not make vows you prob can not keep...that will just make it worse if she catches you or suspects.
I think she was trying( cause she loves you ) and either something upset her or she just was trying to support you and just thought for some reason she just can't
My suggestions are
1)Have her join here and talk to other GG's as that helps ALOT
2)Try explaining that it is a part of you and so on...your the same person she loves nothing changed/ tell her you were afraid of losing her thats why you kept it secret.
3)Get someone you both can talk to so she understands
4) have a don't ask or tell thing...where she knows but is not involved...setting up times for you to dress alone
5) seek info where she understands/ books/this forum

Best Wishes to you both:hugs:

p.s. For most it is the not knowing and feeling betrayed that needs to be gotten over where she trusts you again.

[Sarah_GG]

Hi Charlie, sorry you're going through a difficult time with your wife.

I found out before my SO told me. In that intervening time I was able to do my own research and let everything sink in. It does take time. I would read something, decide I couldn't relate it to my SO, leave it alone for a day or two and then realise that it had sunk in and was all fine.

Can you encourage your wife to join this forum to get help from other GGs? Ignorance causes fear which causes defensiveness and anger. As a GG the more you know about the whole subject, the easier it becomes.

It's important as well that you're honest with her about who you are and what you want. I'm a totally accepting GG but I still go through odd periods of thinking it's all ridiculous! Humour helps!

Good luck :)

[Sandra]

So my question is how did you ladies handle it when you learned that your SO was a crossdresser? What were your thoughts and how did you finally reconcile them? I'm out on a limb and do not know where to go. Please give me your advice and insight.


I would suggest that you try and talk to her, sit down and have a good honest talk. She probably needs to know that this isn't going to take over your lives and that she is still going to be the woman in your relationship.

Also as others have said try to get her to join here, where she will see that GGs can cope and be happy living with tg person, and that she's not alone. I know when I found out I thought I was the only woman who's partner dressed.

Good luck and let us know how things go.