Came up with an idea! Chickened out.

[Sandygal]

As I have said before. I came out to my wife of 30 years about 5 years ago. I even hang my clothes in the closet off to the side. I'm sure she has spotted them. But since I told her, nothing has ever gone any further. I know that I shouldn't be, but I feel embarassed to bring up the subject again. Well today I arrived home after work about an hour before she did and like most days I dressed up and felt very happy as I sat down to read. My eyes started to get tired and I closed them for a short nap. Thats when I decided that I would let myself fall asleep and let her find me. This will show you all how desperate I am. Everyone keeps saying we should take it slow. I went so slow that nothing started. I was so afraid to bring it up again after reading about so many broken marriges. So I thought, why not get caught accidently. Well I fell asleep and woke up 15 minutes after the time she usually comes home. She had to work late. Can you believe that luck. Because now that I was awake, I started to think this was a bad idea and changed out of my clothes. As I'm writing this, I wonder how different tonight would have been if she came home on time. Would I have been happier? Or would things have gone bad? I wish I could get that embarrased feeling out of my system. I just love to dress as a woman and yet I would feel awfull if my wife turned against me.

[Miranda09]

Doesn't sound like you've discussed this much other than coming out to her Sandy. Why not just bring up the subject occassionally in casual conversation and take it from there. It's better than feeling nervous about something that may not even be there. Besides, you don't want your silence to affect your relationship or make you resentful of her. Give her the benefit of the doubt. :)

[Marcia Blue]

Over dinner or drinks, bring the the subject up. Ask about fashion tips or such.
She could still be confused or embarrassed about CDing.
She my have lots of thoughts but not want to bring them up herself.
Explore the subject slowly, she may open up when approached

[Sarah_GG]

Here's another idea... call her at work and say "darling, let's go out for dinner tonight, my treat!" and talk to her. Tell her how delighted you are that she chose to accept you when you told her five years ago and how much you love her and value her... ask her whether she's ever had any curiosity about it or would like to know more about it. Tell her you can get her some books if she'd like to know more... or you could direct her onto this forum where she can find out as much as she wants.

She may have blocked it out. She may not know what to do next. She may think you're embarrassed and doesn't want to make things awkward for you. It is really up to you to talk to her about it. She's not going to suddenly one day out of the blue ask you to go and dress up!

After 30 years you must be very close, have a good relationship where you can talk about things and have probably encountered and survived many difficulties.

It does seem that many SOs of CDs don't want to know anything about it... but I think many CDs could go a lot further in involving their SOs.

Good luck :)

[Di]

Really like Sarah's idea above....or make her a special dinner at home. AND TALK
I really think her just walking in on you will just make her angry.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Wow Sarah, that is a totally great idea..kudos...


Sandy, many of us know how hard a time you are having....you can't keep doing this to yourself or you will hurt yourself emotionally and maybe even your marraige in other ways....we all know that you can't stop the feeling of wanting to dress except for short periods of time...

GG wives please chime in, but in my experience your wife is very emotionally attuned to your moods and its not too hard for her to figure out something is going on and if you continue to focus on coming out without actually doing it, you are risking putting emotional distance in your marraige (which will only make it harder on her later when you do come out)...

And listen to Sarah....she has a great idea for you!! talking to her is better than getting "caught"...

best to you and your wife!
kate

[KellyV GG]

Oh my....the stars must have been lined up for you. Thank goodness your wife didn't come home on time! I think getting caught intentionally would have backfired terribly. Please don't do that to her!

Sarah has the best idea. And ya, she's probably in denial. She def. knows your clothes are hanging in the closet and probably just doesn't know what to do. Please talk to her gently. It's a lot to deal with and it sounds like she needs to learn about what it's really all about and needs help processing it properly. Seeing your SO dressed for the first time is quite alot to deal with...she needs to be prepared....IMHO.

Good luck!!!

[TGMarla]

I agree with the girls; allowing her to "accidentally" walk in on you would be a disaster. And dressed en femme, you would be entering into the ensuing argument at a disadvantage, and this is not an argument you want to get into while coming from a position of vulnerability. If it were a military situation, you'd have chosen the low ground with no means of defense. Bad idea.

She probably does not want to deal with it. Mine is the same way. She wants to be married to the man in me, not the woman. Since I did not disclose this in the beginning, she has a right to what she married, and not the extra baggage she didn't know about until afterwards. I respect her position on this, so I don't press the issue. Were I to do so, I'd do it over dinner and drinks....probably lots of drinks.

I recommend tequila.

[Sheila]

Hun please please, no matter how desperate try the "accidental" discovery approach .......... find out accidentally is horrible and can have really bad results ..... even though you told her 5 years ago, and even though you hang your clothes in the closet to the side (trust me she knows they are there),still coming home and finding you dressed would have been a shock ........ she may (aand it sounds like it from the little I have read) be on of the "know but don't want to be involved" type.

You could do as others have suggested set up a time over a meal to talk to her about it, but please don't build your hopes up and get disappointed. And please keep drinking to a minimum if you do have drinks

[Jamie VieJolie]

I agree that being "accidentally" discovered is not a good idea.

You know your wife best. Discuss this with her in a setting that will make her feel comfortable and relaxed.

Keep in mind that if she shows some tolerance or acceptance you need to take it easy. If you've been repressing for years and suddenly find some freedom you will probably feel like going from 0 to 60 in less than a second.

I think it would probably be best to take it slowly with your wife once you tell her.

[mklinden2010]

Great ideas in the other posts.

Keep in mind your wife may (always) be expecting some leadership from you about your desires and intentions.

Tell her what you're going to do, do what you say, and talk about what happens.

Be a man - that's what she expects first - but be an enlightened man.

She'll appreciate it - and you can be proud of how you manage things to better outcomes.

Good post.

[TerriM]

Hi,
Your wife sounds a lot like mine. I told my wife after 10yrs of marriage, that was 28yrs ago. I hang my clothes in our closet also. She has never seen me dressed and has no wish to. I get out about 1x a month and go away for a few days each year. Is it perfect? no, but Im way ahead of other girls I know. I think the saying "out of sight, out of mind " applies to a lot of wives of crossdressers. Sometimes I wish my wife would go out with me dressed or just see me dressed. But what could be the price?

Yours Terri

[Karren H]

"Surprises" like that are typically hazardous to your health and the health of your relationship...

[Sally2005]

The only time I would consider doing that is on halloween or something... because I'm a big chicken too and I need an escape route. Maybe start with putting something on while she is home and see if she notices (make it a small game, adding one item every hour to see how many you go before she says something)... and remind her about what you told her before. See how that sits with her... if it turns sour, just pretend it was a joke take it all off and talk about it with her and how she feels about it.

[brits love]

after 30 years of marriage you shouldnt feel embarresed about anything, sit down and talk to her, you said she already knows she might be much more understanding than you think, or she would have brought it up already maybe she needs to understand more what dressing is all about, talk, talk, talk, she cant read your mind:) just be ready for alot of questions good luck

[Sarah_GG]

The only time I would consider doing that is on halloween or something... because I'm a big chicken too and I need an escape route. Maybe start with putting something on while she is home and see if she notices (make it a small game, adding one item every hour to see how many you go before she says something)... and remind her about what you told her before. See how that sits with her... if it turns sour, just pretend it was a joke take it all off and talk about it with her and how she feels about it.

Or she might think you had onset dementia! :eek:

Just try talking. Us GGs love nothing more than thinking that the man we love wants to sit down and talk, truthfully, to us about their inner most feelings!

[NicoleScott]

She knows, and it doesn't seem to be a marriage killer, but she doesn't want to talk about it. Don't Ask Don't Tell works for a lot of couples. If you push it, you might screw it up for good. For sure, don't play games with the "accidental" discovery.

[Tomara]

Hi , I agree with all of the others who said it would be a bad idea for an accidental discovery , that is probably the worst solution , COMMUNICATION is the only way to work together to come to an understanding about any problem.
Talk to her , ask how she feels about what you told her 5 years ago , answer her questions honestly , offer to go to couples therapy if it would help her better understand ( preferably one with experience with gender issues) and probably most important go slow.
Good luck and I hope you can find some mutual understanding.
Tomara

[Elle1946]

If you are going to get caught by accident try not to be over dressed, my wife likes it better when I dress my age. And, by all means do not use to much makeup.

[Aquamarine]

I still give my husband a call when I come back sooner than expected...32 years of marriage, 30 years of knowledge about his dressing. Up and down in accepting. I don't care about his feminine panties every day, I don't care about toenails done, but for the whole femme ,I still prefer to be prepared .He does not like either to be surprised all dressed. It happened, he was very uncomfortable and jumped in his pants.(I know ,we need to talk, too:doh:..) Your wife certainly figures it out that you dress home alone; my advice will be talk, talk, and talk before she will see you dressed. She knows and sees the guy in you for so long, it is probably even harder for her to imagine you presenting as a woman.In my very humble opinion and experience. Good luck...she is still around that means a lot!!

[Round Robin]

Wow. As a gg that is not the way to bring it up again! I found out by accident and that was hard enough. She knows but just does not want it to be part of your life together. I know I don't. But I love my husband. Some days I am OK, today not so. What do you want from her?

[joannemarie barker]

Brings back memories from my childhood.I tried so many ways to get caugh by my sister but it never happened.I'd leave her bra and knickers drawer a mess and nothing.shamefully I even deliberately snapped a strap of a minidress and she still never said a word :)

[Round Robin]

Acquamarine - I know what you mean. I am still around. I call when I am coming home too. I don't want to see him dressed. It is very hard adjusting after so many years of marriage. I don't want to be part of that part of his life. I try to ignore it.

[5150 Girl]

What I used to do with my ex is when i knew she was not going to be arround for a time period reasonable for dressing, I would tell her, well, see'n as how you got other things to do, I'm going to have some time with Nonnie.
So the next time you wife works late tell her to let you know when she's comming home because you're having some "Sandy time" untill she gets in. This way, if she walks in on you, it's on her. Who knows, maybe she wants to see Sandy and will not call, so she meet Sandy.

[trannie T]

How fortunate that your plan fell through. After 30 years of marriage you should be able to talk with your spouse.

[Sandra]

Well I think we're all agreed that letting her find you was a bad idea, it could have really caused a lot of problems and made things a lot worse.

Sarah's idea about a meal is a good idea, it doesn't have to be a big elaborate thing, just somewhere you can talk to each other, if that doesn't appeal then do as Di said and cook a meal at home.

You know she could be waiting for you to say something, maybe she wants to but doesn't know how to start off, things like this aren't easy but getting things out in the open are a lot better than keeping it bottled up.

[FluffyPersian]

She knows, and it doesn't seem to be a marriage killer, but she doesn't want to talk about it. Don't Ask Don't Tell works for a lot of couples. If you push it, you might screw it up for good. For sure, don't play games with the "accidental" discovery.

I couldn't agree more. You have a great arrangement and are free to dress up when she's not home.

You've already told her. Why do you want to bring it up again? On some level, it could be because you want to dress up more often, and with her blessing. But watch out: The results may be different from what you think.

(I'm sure there will be some responses along the lines of, "She SHOULD anyone be able to dress when and where she likes, and his wife SHOULD accept it." But I'm giving advice about the real world as it is, and about trying to make the best of an imperfect situation.)

[sherri52]

Sandy it was worth a try. Maybe next time she will catch you in the act.

[Sandygal]

Thank you Girls....Your comments are all great. I'm glad I didn't go through with my plan. I think I was so tired from working outside all day, I just didn't think it through. If I get brave enough to talk to my wife again about cding, I will let you all know. Again, thank you all for being here......Sandy