Interesting times

[Kayla Shadows]

Hello and greetings to all.I hope I am catching you well today.

I wanted to start off by saying thank you to DD for showing me there is a life other than the one I lived for so many years.Thank you for letting me be me :hugs:

I started off as most of you did.From the stories Ive heard I was also the little boy (3-4 years old) dressing in moms clothes.It is one of the happiest moments from those times.As I grew older I took what life dealt me and enjoyed the very rare occasions that I got to dress.No makeup,no wig..and whatever I could find that didnt fit.That all didnt really matter anyway because it was always a short amount of time to enjoy.

I know the decisions Ive made to be more open have shrank the number of potential partners but,there is nothing I can do about that.After all these years I know who I am and cannot continue to lie to myself.

Even though I have feelings that are more ts I like to read your posts and share with you as well.I very much understand that all of our lives are different and what works for one will not for the other.Ive been around some places and see a lot though.I hate to see it when I come across crossdressers and transexuals going at each other.I for one do not think I am better than any one of you.I get the same crap though.Mostly it has been from younger ts girls (18-20s)who had the info,transitioned early and seem to think they are better than everybody else...for being "out" or going out or further along in transition than others.Ive seen some girls be extremely mean to crossdressers or not even acknowledge they were spoken to.I dont like that.I have my feelings but I am very approachable.There is only one thing that I may have that some people dont..and that is acceptance.I dont care who you choose to love,what you choose to wear or what gender you feel you are.I love you all the same <3

I identified as a crossdresser until my feelings hit like a bomb went off inside me.Wow,difficult.Even before that it was a bit hard to come to terms with this all.The things that were taught as "normal" had to be slowly gotten rid of and a peace needed to be found within what I enjoy.Things were happening fast for me too I guess.In 4 months it went from coming out to DD (Feb 08) to out in NYC (June 08).Its hard to paint a picture of what was going on inside.Im sure people saw times of frustration to say the least.I was still adjusting to things dealing with the feelings I never let myself explore and then trying,but failing to hold it together after my fathers death 2 months later.I feel like I am only finally starting to feel better after all of last years events.Never have I been tested so much.

Today..Ive been doing a lot of life cleaning.Things are still kinda scary and at times I really try to hang on to being a crossdresser and nothing more.Ive been taking things slow after my hell year and being easy on myself.Im sure its only time before I have to be even more open.My stepsister noticed my shaved arms the day before my birthday.I just turned 32 Sep. 24th :) .She just said,"hmmm,shaved", and ran her finger up and down a small spot on it.I was on my phone and just looking like,lol omg.Well,things happen.I plan on thinning my eyebrows more and getting my other ear pierced next month.I cant wait.That will raise even more question but,for my life it is what makes me,me.Even before those things happen I think Im going to start talking.Its time I think.At home,now its the male products and things that are pushed towards the back and the feminine things that are up front.I spent about a good 7 hours today making my apartment nice and purging the male stuff Im not going to use anymore.Much better than purging anything girly.One word,dont.Today was just some old clothes,deodorant,colognes and other things.I have feminine products so I dont really have need for both.It feels so extremely good though.Anything I dont need at this point is gone.I really like to live simple and have things neat and nice.Keeps me in such a better mood at home.

Thank you to all on this site for putting up with me as well.Sometimes I just need to vent which Im sure draws a wtf look at some of my posts.I catch a lot of hell on social site forums and need to release I guess.I still believe that the more were around,the more people will get use to us and the more things will change.I am very confident in who we all are as people and dont want to see it come across as my own arrogance.Its never just about me..and nothing really ever has been.My little girl ( ex's daughter) had shoes on her feet and food in her stomach before I did.We didnt have a lot of money and I always went without.Im sure in recent times Ive probably looked selfish to people.Ive been though so much and I cant tell you how hard it is to care when all you feel is pain or nothing at all.It is...it is what I do not have words to describe how horrible it feels.

I guess I will leave you all with those thoughts for now.I sincerely appreciate your time if you read this.

Love and happiness to all :hugs:

[sherri52]

Kayla: don't feel bad about venting. We all have to sometimes. The only time you will have a problem is when what you write comes with an attitude. When that happens everyone goes against you even if your right. I didn't see that here and I was glad to read the thread. When you find yourself let us know. We are with you:love:

[Kristen-Gaye]

Good luck with your journey Kayla. :hugs:
K.

[Sheila]

Kayla thank you firstly for thanking DD ....... that was a very very unselfish and warming part of your post to read ......... I am sure DD will be pleased to know your are grateful to her, for enabling you to find your feet to begin to find yourself......... I know that part touched me deeply :hugs:

The journey is long, hard and at times incredibley selfish, or so those who are there or have been there (where you and Debs are at the moment), but in honesty in requires you to be, you have enough peeps casting doubts on your beliefs you need to have the inner strength and conviction not to be swayed by them on the really tough days.

I wish you well on your journey hun and look forward to aharing it with you :hugs:

[StephanieC]

Good luck Kayla.

[Joan Merrie]

Kayla, your post brought tears to my eyes. Such a wonderful heart felt post. Your journey will be long and hard, If you need to talk or ask questions, Please PM, me.:hugs::love:

[Sara Jessica]

What a sweet post Kayla. You are right about all of us being in different places, such sage advice to say what works for one won't necessarily work for another.

I do see some similarities in our respective journeys. I totally hear what you're saying about how people will perceive you as you continue to present with additional feminine changes to your appearance. And it's good that you're prepared to talk about that stuff proactively.

The theme of the responses sounds almost like a bunch of goodbyes, I hope it isn't. Still, I wish you the best as you continue on your journey.

[LisaM]

Kayla,

That was a wonderful post!!! I hope you will find the peace that we are all searching for. You sound like you are well on your way.

[Wen4cd]

Kayla,

I feel you over here, love. I understand what it is to have to break out of labels. We none of us are anything that can be defined by any words we're taught throughout life, unless we constrict ourselves to them. You're breaking free of it and becoming what it truly means to be human.

We're all so much more than boy, girl, cd, tg, ts, etc. and no such words will ever truly describe it, because what we really are comes from a place where words have no meaning.

I am happy for you.

[TGMarla]

Hi Kayla. You know, it is introspection like this that often separates us from everybody else. You are obviously no surface-dweller. I'm glad that your soul-searching has enabled you to come to an understanding of yourself. Whether you transition or not, this will allow you to be more comfortable with who and what you are, and settle the lifelong conflict that so many of us have to travel with. When we come to understand that there is nothing wrong with us, and embrace this part of ourselves, only then can we find peace. I wish you well in all your endeavors. Remember to keep us in the loop from time to time, because we care about you, too.

[DemonicDaughter]

Thank you but you give me far too much credit! Its YOU alone who brought you to where you are! I was just happy enough to be present for it but cannot claim to have done anything more than want to see the woman I saw inside come out and play. :)

I know things have been so difficult for you and that its just been one thing after another. I know that it must feel like no matter what you do or what happens that things fall apart. But they don't! You are an amazing person who is so incredibly strong!

I'm happy you are getting the chance to be yourself more and more.

And as always, if you need me for anything, you can always call, email, IM, send smoke signals, etc.
:hugs:

OH! Btw, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!
:bday2:

[Deedee Dupree]

Nice post, and I also extend my very best wishes as you move forward. I have been here long enough to to have followed your story and some of the difficulties you have had to deal with. You have covered a lot of ground in a short time.

You sound like you are in a very good place now, and I'm very happy for you.

Best, dd

[Nicole Erin]

yeah we talked about some of this the other day in IM's

You know, one thing you REALLY have going is - yoiur life belongs entirely to you. No spouse to listen to, no kids to deal with, etc...

And yeah like I said it will get to a point where you will forget where the men's things even are. Shopping for femme stuff will just seem way more natural.

One thing about that tho - don't go throwing out male stuff that you DO enjoy or have use for.

From what you have told me, you are still pretty new on your path, and I say enjoy it. I do remember when buying something femme like clothes or hygiene products was a rush, but it gets to where it is just another day.
Just don't become a damned shopaholic like I did :straightface:

And yes, people do notice and start asking questions abut why your arms or legs are shaved... use that as an opportunity to explain what is going on. Like I say about coming out - no need to sit them down for a special talk, just let them ask the questions.

Kayla, you seem to me to be pretty level headed. I think you will do well and your transition will go smooth

[Miranda09]

Hi Kayla and thanks for sharing your most intimate of thoughts and feelings. You can vent here anytime you wish. We're all hear to listen and be heard.:hugs::hugs:

[Kayla Shadows]

Thank you all so much for responding and the good wishes :) You are all very sweet :hugs: I wasnt sure how to put this together at first.There is just so much in my head right now.Many thanks for your words <3

The offer to talk is much appreciated,Joan Merrie.Thank you :hugs:

DD,you deserve a lot of credit for letting me express myself and putting up with me for the time that you did.You helped me with so much and I'll never forget that :) You did a lot :hugs: I'm sorry for a lot of things.I just couldnt stop fading and I didnt know how to stop it :( so much pain

Nicole Erin,thank you for being a good friend.Its always great chatting with you.There have been times that I've really been out of control and you helped a lot.I read your post and will talk more with you about it.

Its late at night,things are going around in my head and Im probably not the clearest at this moment.sorry :( Life and things have been coming into focus recently though.I feel like Ive been on autopilot for a long time.Just kinda existing though the days while everything is just flying by.Kinda scary to think of it.

:hugs: to all for your suppport and kindness.Its good to know that somebody is there.I am always here for you the same.You are wonderful people.

[Huntress]

Kayla,
Venting! A very good thing. Even the Earth vents. Remember Krakatoa.
Venting good, exploding bad.

Glad to hear your focus is coming clear.

Huntress

[DemonicDaughter]

DD,you deserve a lot of credit for letting me express myself and putting up with me for the time that you did.You helped me with so much and I'll never forget that :) You did a lot :hugs: I'm sorry for a lot of things.I just couldnt stop fading and I didnt know how to stop it :( so much pain.

:o

I'm very proud of who you are and I honestly hope that the world gets to know the woman I've had the honor of meeting in you.

:love:

[Samantha B L]

Kayla, I don't think we know eachother but I can see that the road you've been on isn't smooth or easy. Best of luck in the future and maybe our paths will cross sometime.



:love: Samantha

[Bethany38]

Kayla, What an extraordinary person you truly are. I felt so many different things reading your post. I to, have recently lost my Father. How horrible it is when we lose our parents. You should feel free to vent at any time you want. It does a body good to release built up pressure. As I have told you once before, ever since I have joined here you have been an inspiration to me. I can only wish you the very best on your journey. I empathize with your feelings and struggles. I know you will find your way to where you need to be. Know that you are loved here, and though I cannot speak for others, I can say I would do anything I can to help you. For now have a great big :hugs: and have a good night.


Always Bethany

[Marvina Martian]

I too am very happy to see that you are moving forward. Finding your inner strength and desire to find out just who you really are is a very hard thing to do!
Proud is not always enough to describe what makes our hearts smile.
:love:

[Kayla Shadows]

Hello girls :hugs:

Im very sorry for your loss Bethany :hugs: Thank you for your words.Its definitely been a challenge for us all.Im very happy for your friendship.

Im very proud to know you DD.Thank you

Huntress,DD,Bre...Its good to see you all.Thank you.I'll never forget the feeling of being out with you all and the fun we had.Since then Ive had to overcome some things and a lot of progress has been made.Things kept getting worse and worse but I kept trying to fight.When I felt like I needed a cigarette the most I just threw them all away.Its been just about 6 months without a smoke.I did it..and I'm not looking back.I want that with a lot of things.There are so many decisions..but, I dont want any outcome that sends me in reverse.I dont want to feel bad about the things I enjoy..I refuse to.All I want to do is live a life that feels like mine.I know I cant exist anymore with me and my life in a box hidden somewhere.It doesnt work.Those days are done and happily gone...so,Im sure Im in for it.Time to hold on..See what you did DD.. :heehee: A new beginning is good :D Im happy there are people around to share a new beginning with.Thank you all for being here.:hugs:


Much love to everyone here <3 May we all find where happiness lives