When does the guilty feelings go away?

[madison lee]

How do we as people, wether you want to use labels such as cd,tg,ts,straight, gay, lesbian, bi, (if I forgot one please excuse and forgive as I am currently suffering from insomnia for the last 5 days & nights) find acceptance, not from the outside world but from the inside?

My wife knows , accepts, & often encourages my dressing. But I still have pangs of guilt at times. Guilt that I didnt tell my wife sooner, guilt that dressing is wrong etc. Even though I know intellectually that there is nothing inherrently wrong in it, I guess subconsciously I am still having guilty feelings over it.

Maybe it goes back to my dad and when he found my stash. He never caught me dressed up, but he did make me strip in front of my family and put on a pair of panties, afterwards giving me a beating then making me burn the stash while he watched. Thats just one of the times he found my stash. I don't blame him for the way he reacted to it, he was just doing the best he could to stop what he thought of as deviant behaviour I guess. I'm not saying that the way he reacted was the right way, just the way he thought would be effetive in making his son a "MANLY MAN".

Sometimes I think my head is going to explode in trying to come to terms with this. Does anyone else feel this way?

I wish that I didn't feel so guilty at times.

I wish that I could be as strong as the rest of you girls are.

I wish.

Madison

[tricia_uktv]

So why do you feel guilty? Your partner has accepted you. There is no point thinking about what happened and why. Go out and be yourself, be proud of yourself. Your life starts here,

Hugs and all the best,

Trish XX

[Barbara Jo]

I do believe we all go through this to one extent or another.
The best one can do is to learn to accept yourself and realize that this is not your fault.

[Sheila]

hun I don't know as a GG that I can give you any helpful reply but I just wanted to give you a :hugs: and say maybe when you "accept you" and I mean really accept you" most of the guilt will go :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

We have very little control over how we are raised Madison and as you say our parents do what they think is best for us. We take the "good" with the "bad" as youngins. It's evident you loved your Dad despite what he made you do. What he didn't realize and what most guys don't realize, however, is that sometimes the child has to be a "woman" in order to be a "man". In other words both sets of qualities are needed to become a balanced person.:)

[Phyliss]

Not really sure how to best answer the question of "When does the guilt go away?"

Never had it to begin with. Oh, when I was around 10 or so I felt a bit funny about trying on Mom's clothes when I was alone, but not guilty.

I just wear what I want, and don't allow myself to FEEL what others think I should feel.

[Jonianne]

The day it finally dawned on me that no one was making me feel bad about myself, "I" was the one making me feel bad about myself.

The moment that really sunk in, my depression went away and never returned. 15 years ago.

[TJ Tresa]

hun I don't know as a GG that I can give you any helpful reply but I just wanted to give you a :hugs: and say maybe when you "accept you" and I mean really accept you" most of the guilt will go :hugs:

I could not agree any more. Shelia has said it all in one short statement. The only way you can not feel guitly is to accept yourself. I understand the pangs of not telling you wife sooner, and the guilt from that is that you have cheated yourself from being able to dress openly in front of her all this time. Forgive yourselve and rise above it, "No need to cry over silled milk."
You have an accepting wife, be greatful. Many of the girls on here don't, and for the most part are all alone. You have someone special to share with. think about it.

[sterling12]

Well, my guess would be, "When YOU decide that your not going to be guilty anymore." I don't know of any external force that can make you stop feeling guilty!

On the other hand, you seem to be about half way there....to self-acceptance. You said that intellectually you understand that it's not inherently bad behavior. All you now have to do is accept the idea that your not a "bad person."

Apparently, that incident with your Dad was a major trauma. You still keep the episode in your heart and mind and gave us a pretty detailed description of what actually happened. Your Father's Approval is/was obviously very important to you! Personally, just reading your description; I think your Dad made a bad mistake. That scenario you described could have had an infinite number of outcomes, and most of them would not have scarred you. I'm afraid your Dad chose an option that has had negative consequences that have lasted for years.

Try and consider a new concept. I once read an article that described some of the major hallmarks of "adulthood." One of the major outcomes that got discussed is the idea that being an adult means understanding that your parents are like any other human and have lots of flaws. If you can understand their flaws and their mistakes in raising you, if you can avoid putting them on a pedestal, if you can then forgive them and still love them, dropping the guilt, and living your own life; then you have a remarkably strong base for living your life as an adult.

If all else fails, I think you might want to seek counseling. I think it's important that you get these conflicts worked out.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Madison,

It comes as no surprise to me at all that an incident like that one with your Dad, doing what he did to you, would stay with you and possibly increase your feelings of guilt about your feminine side. Not only that, but I would like to humbly suggest that a father like this is going to consciously or unconsciously assert that your behavior as a child growing up must conform to his expectations. No wonder you're feeling guilty!

My background is similar in that my father also asserted his opinions and beliefs on maintaining strict bi-gender behavior in his sons although he didn't beat us (me and my brother) but he would verbally berate me in some of my clothing choices when I was a teen. :sad:

When do the guilt feelings go away? ... that's a tricky one to answer. If you're like me then in the beginning despite the fact I was one of the lucky ones and have an accepting and encouraging wife I still had not accepted my dressing for myself. I used to feel very guilty and tell myself all the time that even though I love expressing myself this way "it's not exactly what guys are supposed to do" or that "I shouldn't be fanning the flames". Why did I feel this way? Why the guilt? Societal expectations. Peer pressure. The belief that as a guy I have to act a certain way, there is somehow an "expected behaviour" from us or so I believed. Why we think this way can be different for each of us but I encourage you to think about why you think you have to be "this way" or "that way" or any other way in your behavior? If your CDing is not hurting anyone else, where's the harm?

Ultimately, we are all going to die. No one gets out of this thing called life alive. Are you going to spend the small insignificant time you have on this planet being nice to yourself or are you going to give yourself emotional stress .... and then die?

It took me many, many late night long conversions (with my wife) soul searching and getting to the bottom of what is important to me, in my life. Once you get to that point, there is no guilt anymore. In other words, you have to "find yourself", you have to take a long look inside yourself and evaluate why you think the way you do about your CDing. You are an important person, there is nothing wrong with being happy, and there is nothing wrong if it's you yourself that makes you happy, and believe it or not, there is nothing wrong with wearing clothes that are normally associated with women .... even (or should I say especially?) if it makes you happy! :)

[suchacutie]

We have many role models in our lives. Some would be called "authority figures". We start our lives looking up to authority figures. When these figures are truly beneficial, we continue to look up to them.

Regardless, eventually we must mature to realize that these authority figures are not perfect. In fact, sometimes they are very far from perfect. At that realization, we grow to be ourselves. If we truly have feelings for these authority figures, we will certainly continue to be respectful, but they cease to rule our lives without questioning their authority.

You are especially blessed with a loving and supportive wife. Confide in her. She will be delighted that you trust her with your innermost thoughts. Move forward together with her.

This is easy for me to say, but know that I have lived this path and it does work.

My best wishes for you.

tina

[Holly]

Perhaps it is the day you can let go of the past and look to the future. Perhaps it involves accepting the here and now. You have a accpeting partner; one who evidently accepts you as a complete person, one who embraces the total you. Honestly, it does not get any better than this.

[kerryann]

Hi. Madison I have just started wearing panties full time,my girlfriend supports me and most of the time I am perfectly ok but sometimes I feel guilty for having the need to wear girly underwear. I am just going to get on with something I enjoy doing.

[sherri52]

You have to accept the crossdressing yourself. Over the years there wasn't any support for us cd's thereby only getting criticizim from our peers. The feelings usually don't go away. Your wife has accepted, some of us here would love to be in your shoes.

[Rebecca Jayne]

Madison Lee Your story about growing up broke my heart, I feel for you.

Guilt that 5 letter word that whispers into our psyche,
it has many form, many disguises.

You must find the strength to move on,
sidestep guilt especially when it come to cross dressing.

You have done nothing wrong wanting dress like a woman.
Sometimes its like character acting.

Presumably you don't steal,
You don't cheat on your wife,
You don't sell drugs to kids

See there are lots of valid reasons to have a guilt complex
Cross dressing is not one of them its not evil
Cross dressing isn't physically harmful

I'm sure you are a better person because you cross dress
I know I am, I'm in touch with my feminine self and thats good.

Please release the guilt, look in the mirror,
deep into your heart and tell yourself
"I am a good person.
I like to cross dreess and its OK
I love myself."

[Kerrylee61]

The day it finally dawned on me that no one was making me feel bad about myself, "I" was the one making me feel bad about myself.

The moment that really sunk in, my depression went away and never returned. 15 years ago.

You have hit the nail right on the head Jonianne
Kerry

[PamelaGirl]

Madison,

Getting advice and encouragement from others in places such as this helps a lot.

Pam

[trannie T]

There is nothing to feel guilty about. For most or all of us crossdressing is not a choice and we have no control over our desire to dress. I am neither ashamed or proud to be a crossdresser, it is simply a part of who I am.

[madison lee]

Thank you all so much ladies. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that some of you have gone through something similar to what I am feeling. For the most part I have gotten past the fact that my father isnt perfect. I do love him and respect him for the imperfect parent that he is. I know he did the best he could in raising me and my siblings. There are just times when dressing up when my mind sometimes goes back to that time (and I have a photographic memory) and remembers those feelings of shame and guilt.

I WILL work past it. I WILL dress up without guilty feelings. :)

It may just take a little time.

Reading your responses gives me hope, and a sense of well being that everything is going to be ok. And believe me, I deffinitley know what a wonderful, beautiful, amazing wife I have. I wouldn't be half the person I am if not for her love and understanding. I think everyone on this forum AND thier SO's are truly great and wonderful. I really appreciate all of your wisdom and advice. :hugs:

Madison

[LeannL]

Madison,

I am not a psycologist but I would offer this (and suggest that if you make no progress, seeing one might be the right thing to do.) As others have suggested, reinforced by your bringing it up, the actions of your father are probably a major factor in causing you to still have guilty feelings. Your crossdressing is something you cannot control. It is part of your biology. When your father did what he did, he was doing it based upon the beliefs of the day because he wanted you to fit into society. Your father wanted the best for you. If he knew then what we know today, he probably would have taken a different path. You can't feel guilty about not meeting your father's expectation because 1) they were unrealistic based upon the current theories/knowledge of CDing/TGism and 2) you are not in full control of your CDing/TGism. Forgive him for what he did and forgive yourself for not meeting unrealistic expectations. Then use your energy to further learn about yourself and enjoy having a supporting wife.

Hope this helps.

Leann

[Elle1946]

I have my oar out and will help you paddle because we are in the same boat. I have been dealing with it for fifty + years.

[Rebecca Jayne]

There is nothing to feel guilty about. For most or all of us crossdressing is not a choice and we have no control over our desire to dress. I am neither ashamed or proud to be a crossdresser, it is simply a part of who I am.
__________________
It takes a real man to wear a dress



Exactly what Tranny T says is correcto mundo.

Now for that Hug

[Miranda09]

Madison, it's time to lay your past to rest. You don't have to live with it anymore. Part of not feeling guilty is learning how to accept yourself. By NOT accpeting yourself, your father's brutish way of dealing with your CDing will win out.

[Carly D.]

I don't think the feelings of guilt ever go away completely, or at least not for me.. I think it would be the same for me telling my family that I cross dress that if they accepted it then I would feel guilty for not telling sooner.. but I don't ever intend to tell so.. guilt be damned..

[Karren H]

Haven't felt guilt for decades!!!

[Celeste]

I also feel your father has instilled a great sense of guilt over it and it probably always lies in your subconscious,no matter what.Well he was wrong and probably knows it.It may be hard but if you can reach inside and try to forgive him along with accepting the fact that there's absolutely nothing wrong with what your doing,then you can move forward.

My stepfather tried to make me feel inadequate growing up(I was the only stepson out of 3 children) the odd man out.Not being accepted can hurt so deeply it takes a while to heal.At least we can learn to treat our children with dignity and accept them for who they are through all of this.

[Cathytg]

I don't know how old you are, so I might be discouraging here. My guilt about dressing was with me all my life until sometime in the past ten years or so. I am 64 now. It was a horrible feeling to be so ashamed of myself. Nobody made me feel that way because virtually nobody knew I dressed. I would love to blame someone else, but I can't. I did it to myself.

My feelings of guilt vanished gradually as I came to appreciate my entire self. It was not the dressing I felt guilt about; it was the total self I saw in the mirror. I finally just decided that I am a pretty decent person. I have a wonderful loving wife and two fantastic grown kids. I have a number of friends who love me and I have made quite a faith journey with them.

But please understand this: I did not reach a point where I decided not to feel guilty about dressing; it wasn't that simple. The dressing issues were just a part of the larger issue of me. I wonder why it took me so long to reach that place of peace. You will find it also.

[Jonianne]

.......But please understand this: I did not reach a point where I decided not to feel guilty about dressing; it wasn't that simple......

This is very true. I would like to add to my previous post that a major part of what helped me was opening up to people I could trust and had confidence in. When I found out they completly accepted me even with my crossdressing, then in time, I learned to accept and be OK with myself. I was in group therapy during that time and I also had a lot of inter-personal relationship issues to work on. Being in that group was the most benificial time I ever had.

[Samantha43]

Hi Madison,

I feel you need to let the past baggage go and come to terms with who you are. It sounds like you are in a good situation and have a great relationship with your wife. Her acceptance can be a start to dealing with your guilt. Learn to have fun with your crossdressing. It can be a fun and rewarding experience. Especially if your wife is involved. What your father did was heavy handed and obviously wrong. He did it because he didn't understand your needs. Try to forgive him and put that behind you.

I started crossdressing as a teenager and did feel some guilt at the time. I went to the library (this was well before the internet) to do research on why I wanted to wear women's clothing. I discovered that crossdressers have been around since the beginning of man, and that my needs weren't all that unusual. That put my guilt to rest, and I have been enjoying it ever since. I'm kind of strong minded (my wife says hard headed :D) and I think that helped me overcome the guilt.

Please remember, sister, you ain't alone! :hugs:

[CDgirlfriend]

I'm a girl, so I don't completely understand your feelings. But, why feel guilty? You have a wife that accepts you. Who cares if the world doesn't understand?!?!? Be happy with who you are! I'm a Bi girl, still in the closet for most people, but I love and accept myself. I would never change the way I am, and neither should you.

[Hope]

The guilt goes away when you learn to like yourself and see yourself as a person of value. It would be different if you had committed some heinous crime and harmed other people, and felt guilty about that, but what you feel guilty about is being you. The guilt goes away when you learn to like yourself and see yourself as a person of value.

So it sounds like you grew up in a pretty abusive household. You said you don't blame your dad for being extraordinarily mentally / emotionally abusive, and that is probably good. Forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving. But just because you don't blame him, or have forgiven him, doesn't mean that what he did was ok, or that it still did not harm you. It obviously did harm you, and still causes you significant stress today. (I'm willing to give 100:1 odds that this is far from the only abusive incident from your past?)

The guilt goes away when you learn to like yourself and see yourself as a person of value. Easier said than done. I know. You can do this work yourself, but it helps (and speeds the process up significantly) to have a guide - someone to show you how to do the work, and to hold your feet to the fire when you start to lie to yourself. We call those people therapists - and I would bet you could benefit from talking with one.

[Kerrie Sifton]

Madison, I suspect that the guilt will go when you are ready to let it go. Many of us held on to what we may have called guilt for much longer than we needed. Much of it self imposed, or all of it for that matter. When you feel more confident with yourself and your future, I suggest the guilt will slip away as you realize where you wish to be.
All the best.
Kerrie

[Fab Karen]

Your father abused you- therapy would be your best hope.