Husband going out for first time dressed

[AKASadieGG]

Hi,
I'm not new to this site but have never posted before. I have been married to my husband who crossdresses for 29 years. About 12 years or so ago he expressed the need to be dressed and we have been doing this in private every now and again since. Now, to be perfectly honest, if I had my druthers I'd rather he didn't have this desire but he does and that's that. I have shopped with him for clothes, etc. I feel as I'm as accepting as I possibly can be. He has spoken of a wish, fantasy, whatever, of going out in public dressed. As far as I know, he never has and I am the only one he has been with dressed. In an attempt to try and be more understanding of his needs an event is occuring in our home town and I bought him a ticket, room, and an outfit to wear to it. I will not be going with him, not because I would be embarrased, but because I know he will be more comfortable (if this is a possibility) if I am not there. Anyway, I am beginning to worry that I have opened Pandora's Box. I am afraid he will want to go to more and more events, leaving me feeling abandoned by his new friends and not honoring my boundries (I would like the dressing to be private between the two of us). Am I being unfair? Why do CDer's need to go out? I asked him that and didn't really get an answer (maybe he doesn't know, maybe I wasn't listening). Anyway, I am glad to be here and hopefully gain some insight.

[Mary Morgan]

Hi, I don't think I can give you the comfort that you need by providing any answers, indeed the answers are as varied as the people in our community, in any community. I would like to comment that he is a very lucky person to have your support and I understand where your anxiety comes from. I will tell you that I have not been out in public in years and do miss the social interaction that goes with that.

I recall that when I was in public, albeit a CD group, it demystifed the dressing, made it seem more "normal". I think we all need to be seen as ourselves, and for me, this is an important part of who I am. My wife shares many of your issues I'm sure, and although she says she has no problem with my going out, I think she would rather I didn't. Unlike youtwo, my wife does not share her time with me when I'm dressed though she is otherwise very supportive and helpful. I can only suggest that you share your anxiety with him and try to find a comfortable place to compromise. Thank you fror sharing with us and all of my best to you.

[Leslie Langford]

...giving and understanding lady, and your husband is very lucky to have you.

However, the truth of the matter is that once the CDing genie is out of the bottle, it is very hard to put it back in, and you may find yourself negotiating new boundaries from time to time as your husband becomes more comfortable with his feminine side and progresses to going out in public and/or perhaps becoming involved with a support group.

I'm not suggesting that you give in every time, but you also have an obligation to yourself and your own mental well-being to leverage your growing acceptance in such a way that you get some special consideration out of this for yourself as well, even if it is in areas far removed from sharing in his cross-dressing. Bluntly spoken, your husband needs to realize that it's not all about him, and that he also needs to go "above and beyond" to make this relationship worthwhile for you as well. He needs to give all due consideration to what he is asking of you and the willingness you have shown to date to accommodate him, especially since ending up with a cross-dressing partner is not something you originally signed on for when you got married.

Your husband owes you at least that much for your willingness to meet him halfway, but even if he does test the limits of your patience at times, it is far better to keep the lines of communication open than drawing a line in the sand and trying to shut him down at some point. That will only drive him underground and have him start doing what he wants anyway behind your back, and that will only lead to massive resentment on both your parts as well as a complete lack of trust on yours. And that can be far more deadly to a relationship in the long run as opposed to plain old CDing.

[Samantha B L]

Hi way2real, I used to go out all the time years and years ago. I had to stop for reasons that would take up too many sentences to explain. There's nothing more fun than going out enfem with other CD's under circumstances which are relatively free of any agressively anti-LGBT/TG/TS/CD hassles. But some things have come up in my life and I may be able to go out en fem from time to time again starting in a month or two. Actually,You could go with him on some of these excursions. Maybe I shouldn't say this. I've never been married. Maybe you shouldn't let him fly the coop too far. Once in awhile is fine but you could go with him for a lot of these things. I'm sure you know this forum is teaming with crossdresser couples. I've never been married but I had the same GG girlfreind for years and she was right at my side for everything. If you want to keep things private I understand and there are always people in your life who it wouldn't be too smart to let them find out about it. But your CD just might apreciate it and I'm sure you know it isn't as simple as "quitting" dressing.

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

I've been out once dressed femme.It was last New Year's day at a chinese restaurant 15 miles from our area plus drove dressed numerous times,but never been out to CD/TV event yet. It would be nice if you could go with your husband to an event. That way you discuss new boundries.



Felicity

[AKASadieGG]

I haven't asked him to quit dressing and won't ask that of him. As I said this will be the first time he is going out. It is a sponsered event so it will be quite safe. I am welcome to go with him but I feel that this is something he needs to do alone for his own comfort. He would be worried about me and how I might feel about being there. As I said I would'nt be embarrased but he would be uptight all night worrying that I was uncomfortable. He is a boundry pusher and I feel he is already pushing but hopefully he will try to understand and accept me as I have tried to accept him.

[Sheila]

hi hun, glad you have joined us, get your ten posts in and apply to join the FAB forum and come and chat with all us GG's :)

Sometimes they need validation from their peers, it would be a bit like you only ever being able to talk to your hubby about something. Have you asked him if he would like you along, maybe he is afraid to in-case he makes you feel he is pushing your boundaries again ?

[AKASadieGG]

I do understand his wanting to talk with other people who feel the same way he does. I don't have a problem with that. That's what this website is for. As I said before, I am certainly welcome to attend. Both of us have talked it over and we both feel that this time it is in his own best interests to go it alone. (I say this time, although truth be known I do hope that it would be the last time he goes out dressed). Selfish of me? Maybe, but after 29 years of marriage and 12-13 years of dressing with me I'd like to keep it that way.

[Sandygal]

The reason we want to be seen by others can have a hard answer or a simple one depending on the person. For me its simple. For the first time I put my picture on the avatar and someone wrote back to me " Sandy you look adorable" That sent chills up my arms and I felt wonderfull. A real girl hears stuff like that all the time and some take it for granted. For me it was an awakening.

[DonnaT]

Why do we want to go out?

For some, it's a thrill, an adreniline rush.

For some it's finally getting out of 'jail'. Think about it, what would be your most wanted desire if you knew of a big world outside, but had been kept inside all your life?

Welcome to the forum!

[PaulaJaneThomas]

That's what this website is for

Really? Would you be happy to be shut away and have only this web site for contacting other people? Forums like this have their uses but they're not a replacement for face-to-face contacts and friendships.

[mklinden2010]

Kudos to you and your husband in your loving and supportive marriage. Twenty-nine years... You must know each other very well and love your lives together. That's great.

The reasons for going out vary... But, among them are wanting to feel more normal - by doing normal things like walking down a sidewalk and/or going in a shop for coffee. Curiosity, desire to know... And, for meeting other people and having it affirmed that it does take all kinds and becoming more confident that, "I'm this kind and not that kind." Plus, everyone doing something needs a comfortable group to belong to - even knitters form knitting circles.

You know him best, but in the long run whether you go or not is not that important. What he finds there and does there will be limited and it will take several trips, probably, before he starts comparing mental notes and deciding to "go/no go" to that or something else.

For the short and long run, you both might do better if you went. You'd both be "out" with him being "the oddball" and you being the loving spouse who will walk with him anywhere. People will "get it" or they won't. Parents do as much for their kids and their kids "goofy" ideas. This sort of thing, if you think about it, is no more and no less than a "goofy" idea. Time will tell if it was wise, helpful, useful, sensible... The main thing you'll notice is that the sun will still come up tomorrow. So, how bad could all this be?

If this is the way things are going to go and he's going to come back with a story of what happened either way, you might as well go see first hand what goes on and then you can talk about it later - as you do other things - and see where you are.

Either way, wish the big lug luck. It's not easy being a new fish in a new pond.

[Kate Simmons]

The key to any successful relationship is continued open communication my friend. This prevents things from becoming one sided. Just remember, giving total carte blanche gives rise to the old "give 'em and inch and they take a mile" scenerio. Many SO's with good intentions and supporting roles sometimes end up regretting it, unfortunately. I wish you both well.:)

[Holly]

My reason for wanting to get out is living in a closet is mighty confining. The femme part of me is a substantial part of my being. Sequestering that away just doesn't seem natural. I am truly sorry that you are uncomfortable with your husband going out dressed. You, like my wife and I, have invested heavily in our relationships. We celebrate our 41st at the end of this year. I love going out with my wife and I always try to make sure has a good time as well as myself. In fact, those times she cannot accompany me (due to work constraints and so on) actually make me happy.

I hope the two of you can sit down and really talk this out. But you have opened the door now. Please don't resent him for wanting to walk through it.

[kristinacd55]

I think for him, and most of us going out is a dream come true. I hope you can forgive him for wanting to do it. :)

[sherri52]

Hi and welcome back. I no longer have an SO but from my point of view I would rather hav my SO with me. There are many couples here that meet and have great times together. Cd'ing never seems to go away and it is great that you support your husband, but have you asked him if he would like to get together with another couple. You just might like the additional closeness that you will have.

[TSchapes]

There is something about being out in public and having someone address me as Tracy and treat me like a woman that is life affirming. Tracy is a part of me and she needs to be with other people just like my male self needs human interaction. It is not fair to Tracy to keep her locked up any more than it is to kidnap a girl and keep her locked up in your backyard for 18 years. It's just wrong.

As far as your spouse going "too far", let me say water seeks it's own level. We will only go as far as we need to go. I just had five days of Tracy at the Southern Comfort Conference and I was so glad this morning of not getting up at 7 a.m. and putting on makeup. It was fun, but now I'm done! That doesn't mean your SO will not want to go farther, he may. Only he will be able to tell where that line is, but ultimately he will draw it. Communication will be the only way to know where he wants to take it. I know that's not much of a comfort, but I find it to be the truth.

Take care, and be open and talk to one another, otherwise there may be problems.

Love, Tracy :love:

[LeannL]

Way2real,

First of all, your husband is lucky to have a partner in life that seeks to understand. Knowing that he should seek to work with you to find compromises that work for both of you.

Having said that, an understanding of his needs will help the process. The desire to dress and the desire to go out are probably driven by the need of your husband's female parts (side, persona or whatever you want to call it) to express themselves and receive confirmation that both he and others recognize its existence. It is a need at such a basic level that he probably has worked hard to suppress the desire to go out.

Along the same lines, his need to seek others like him, is no different than a bunch of new mothers seek each other out to understand what they are going through. Others who do the same include those who have recently suffered a grievous loss, newly divorced people, newly unemployed professionals, etc. They are all looking to reassure themselves that they are not alone and possibly learn how others deal with these difficult situations.

As long as he doesn't betray his marriage vows or commit any other morally suspect action, it is important for his well being to validate his feelings.

If he needs to go out and you are willing to go, maybe going a bit further away from where you live will lower whatever anxiety either or both of you may have.

Hope this helps.

Leann

[Sally2005]

What are you going to do while he is away at the event? Are you going to do something that you would normally do when he is home or something you would normally do in private? The reason I ask, is because the CDing event is like any other activity (going to the gym, out for a beer, etc.) where maybe one partner takes a few hours a week or something and does something without their partner. So, I vote for giving him some freedom and you find something else to do. Since you say you are okay with the CDing and it sounds like it is just a matter spending time together, set your boundary on the time to spend with you and not the CDing.

[TxKimberly]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I wish I could give you a good solid reason why we desire this. As someone that get's out quite a lot, you would think I'd have a clue myself, but to be honest, I dont.

The drive is there, the desire, the need. It becomes almost overwhelming to see more of the world, to maybe meet one other human being that knows how it really feels, to talk to someone else that understands and can relate. To experience some small part of the world dressed as you have dreamed of and fantasized of since the very first time you saw yourself in the mirror.
I can't tell you WHY your husband wants to, all I can do is to tell you that most (not all) of us DO have that desire. I can also assure you that I myself have been married 22 years now. Holly, who responded to your thread before me has been married even longer. A LOT of us here have been married many decades. My point is, you don't have any need to assume that this is a threat to your relationship or marriage. If your fear is the possible embarrassment of him being seen, there are a number of reasonable precautions that he can take. He can rent a hotel room away from your home, where no one knows you, and then get ready and leave from there.

[suchacutie]

Way2Real, you are the dream spouse for those of us who have this compelling feminine side. Your arrangement sounds very similar to what I have with my very supportive wife. For us, Tina is a private addition to our marriage and has been for 4 years.

If I could extrapolate to 8 years from now, seeing the progress Tina has already made, it is likely that she would be quite competant to venture from the house. I'm overwhelmed by the fantastic preparation you've done for your spouse. Having said that, were I in his shoes, and if my wife agreed, I would take a very different route.

To me, the ultimate "safety" is the presence of my spouse. Also, after all the support, education, and encouragement she has given me, I would want the first time out to be with my wife, while traveling some distance from home, but in a city we knew well. I'd opt for a large art museum, dinner, and maybe a Broadway show if we were in NYC. To me, the validation would be in the everyday world, fitting in, being treated as two women out for the day or night.

I will say, that I see the logic in the need for validation by others. You have validated your spouse for years, but you love your spouse. It seems that the potentially harsher world of those other than you is something he needs, and also there seems to be a personal need to have accomplished this. I do hope after having satisfied these needs that he brings you back into his experiences as I firmly believe that this is best shared as closely with one's spouse as possible. From your writing it seems that his feminine journey has been a shared experience, and even this one has your hand in it to a large extent.

Your are terrific, and I'm sure your husband knows that!

All my best, please stay in touch here, and do keep posting and join the GG forums!

tina

p.s. we have been married for 36 years!

[Melissa Rose]

Way2Real, like many here I can not fully articulate why I like going out en femme. It is such a wonderful feeling that is hard to describe. I wish I could explain it better, but I do not fully understand it myself.

I thoroughly enjoy the company of other girls especially when we are out as a group. Part of it is being with others who understand my desire to feel and appear feminine. Once you get past the initial fears of being out in public and discover nothing terrible happens, the feeling is great and you want to do it again and again. This may your husband's initial reaction so be prepared for it. It is almost like being infatuated and sometimes you go off the rails for a short while. Boundaries acceptable by you and your husband have to be set and understood or misunderstandings can occur. Being married for 29 years, obviously both of you understand compromise and trust.

Your fears are understandable and not unreasonable. My best wishes and thoughts are with both of you as this journey unfolds. Making it together will make it easier and smoother.

[Satrana]

Why do CDs venture out? Well initially it is about satisfying a long held fantasies of appearing in public and the thrill of this new adventure. This is where your husband probably is right now. However there is a deeper underlying reason, namely his female alter ego is really part of the real him. We are social creatures and seek validation from others. Keeping part of you hidden away from is deeply unsatisfying and reinforces the idea that this is something guilty and deviant. Revealing your femme side to the world finally puts those demons to rest.

I would suggest that you do not get into the habit of letting him go off alone in future. You will only end up paranoid wondering what he is getting up to. You should share in the adventure too, at least go with him to the hotel and share part of the day with him. This will mean overcoming your own fears but once it is done you will realize that it is not the big deal you think it is.

CDing should never come between couples rather it is something to be tackled and shared together. You are not in a position to contribute to how, where and how often he goes out in public if you voluntary withdraw from the adventure.

[Sarah_GG]

Hi, I'm not new to this site but have never posted before.

Welcome aboard way2real. :hugs:


I will not be going with him, not because I would be embarrased, but because I know he will be more comfortable (if this is a possibility) if I am not there.

I have been to a couple of events with my SO... and I had fun. I think he valued my presence and support and we had a great time too. Are you sure he doesn't want you go go along with him? Most CDers long for a supportive other half.


Anyway, I am beginning to worry that I have opened Pandora's Box. I am afraid he will want to go to more and more events, leaving me feeling abandoned by his new friends and not honoring my boundries (I would like the dressing to be private between the two of us). Am I being unfair? Why do CDer's need to go out? I asked him that and didn't really get an answer (maybe he doesn't know, maybe I wasn't listening). Anyway, I am glad to be here and hopefully gain some insight.

Can I echo Sheila and say, get your ten posts in and join us on the FAB forum.

You may have many questions that remain unanswered after 13 years and can ask freely and get advice from us GGs (genetic girls) who are supportive, loving and accepting partners of our CDing SOs.

:)

[audreyinalbany]

I agree that going out dressed is a way to 'normalize' a culturally abnormal phenomenon. The more you go out dressed, the less obvious you feel; the more you tend to 'blend in.'
I also think that, since male and female clothing are really social constructs--the main way that society distinguishes male from female--that it is pretty normal to want social interaction while presenting as the opposite of your birth gender. I don't know about everyone else here, but I found that, over time, dressing up and sitting around my house by myself didn't really provide much satisfaction. My wife calls it 'playing dress up,' and I suppose in a way that's what it is. I'm still trying hard to not take my crossdressing so seriously, to try to have fun with it, to make it into 'playtime,' not in a sexual way, but in an exhuberant, life-embracing way.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Way2real,

I can't really add much more to what's already been said except to say that I never planned on going out .... not until I came to this forum. I read about all the (seemingly?) exciting adventures everyone was having and I got curious. My wife asked me if I ever wanted to go out in public and I said: "one day, maybe, before I die".

I did go out and it was the best thing I ever did because it gave me more validation of who I am. It was exiting and thrilling and scary at the same time. It's like I have this "thing" going on with me (my CDing) that is not exactly mainstream, but it is who I am, and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm a human being just as much as the next person. I don't want to hide at home like I have some sort of dreaded affliction or something. The only thing I've done "wrong" is to follow a path that is different than the majority of male people in the population.

Sometimes for some people, the grass is not greener on the other side and the more you dress the less you want to do it. However, I do agree with the analogy that water finds it's own level. How far your husband goes will depend on a lot of things but I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect him to consider you in all of this and respect your boundaries. My wife had no plans to go out with me dressed but now she does it all the time. She said that in the beginning CDing was to her, like tasting new food. You have to try it 10 times before you start to get a liking for it.

[CD202Leanne]

Hello way2real, and good post :)

I can't really offer much more in response than what's already been said, but I can offer my experience and sentiment . . . . .

My S/O "found out" about my X-dressing around the end of last year, about 10 months into our relationship. As if simply finding out wasn't shocking enough for her, add to that the fact that I was working out of town, 2800 miles away, for what ended up being 10 months. After the initial disbelief and the whole "OH MY GOD" reaction began to fade, then came the questions . . . . "WTF" . . . "is he GAY" . . . "does he want to be a woman" . . . . "how can this be" . . . and most importantly: "WHY ? ?"
Personally, I never wondered "why" i dress, or "why" I want/need to be seen in public en femme. But since my S/O has decided to try to not only accept this part of me, but also ALLOW this into our relationship, I thought it might do some good for me to ask myself some of these same questions, and at least try to come up with some reasonable answers. Chances are I'll never find answers satisfactory to her legitimate questions, as it seems the "experts" can't truly explain it, and I am far posessing any degrees in psychology or human nature. I'm not a scientist, but i AM a cross dresser.
Yesterday I wrote a letter to my beautiful and loving S/O, in an attempt to adress some of these issues. I surmised that perhaps, in the early years of my going out, I was simply doing what I saw other CD's doing, and trying to learn from them. Maybe I was trying to at least begin to establish some sort of a femme identity. Maybe the clothing I deemed appropriate at the time was some sub-conscious effort to feel "pretty" . . . . or "attractive" . . . . because I don't feel particulary handsome or exceedingly attractive as a guy. I have "rugged" facial features, anything BUT "feminine". The only thing remotely feminine regarding my physical appearance is that I am quite slim . . . . . but I have broad shoulders. And I am 6 feet tall. So even in 3" heels I am still 6'3" . . . sigh. It is not easy trying to "look feminine".
I know I got a little off track here, I'm sorry. WHY do we dress? The answers, I think, are as varied and as many as there are cross dressers. Is there one be-all, end-all, definitive "answer"? Absolutely not. But as my S/O and I are trying to do at this point, TALK ABOUT IT. For now we are using emails, text messages, notes/letters, and posts here on this site as additional tools in our efforts to communicate with each other. And . . . . . so far so good.
I hope this helps . . . . :) . . . . .

Leanne

[Amymonroe]

After reading your post, as a new comer, I think the underlined problems are communication and understanding. Try this do you know how the speaker/listener technique works? The two of you sit down in a quiet place with little to no distractions and you talk to one another for example you start out by saying something and he then repeats it back to you. Now it does not have to be word for word but it will give you both an idea of what is being said vs. what is being heard and understood. My wife and I learned about this in a marriage retreat and it works out fairly well.