The Reason Why

[Vanysh]

Hey all, I'm new to the boards, and the reason I joined was actually to find some help. This might be a wall of text, if so I apologize in advance.

About a week ago I "came out" on another forum I frequent. (Came out as in I told them about being a CD.) It was the first time I had ever told anyone in my entire life. For those who don't know and didn't see my introduction thread in the new members area I am 24 years old. I have been dressing since I was 11.

I've dealt with a lot in my life, and I'm not trying to say you guys haven't or that my experiences are worse or anything like that. This isn't a competition or anything, trust me. When I was 17 I struggled with cancer. And even though I am in remission I have found myself "stuck", and I think going through cancer is somehow responsible. I have no ambition in me. I'm lazy, jobless, partnerless, and living with my grandma.

And just recently I've been wanting to dress more and more. But I have to do it secretively. Where I live I simply would not be accepted. Not possible. And I realize that I never really have to tell anyone, but I'm envious of those who can be accepted for doing something that I feel ashamed of. If that even makes any sense, which I'm pretty sure it doesn't in the least.

I feel like it is perverted, and I don't understand why I have the urge to do it. Does anyone here know why this happens? And can I quit even though I've tried to numerous times and failed? I'm perfectly fine being a guy, but I still indulge in imagining how my life would be as a woman. I just feel...dirty...for being like this. And I'm not trying to belittle or make fun of anyone who enjoys this. I have nothing against it. I just don't understand why I do it.

Oiy. I'm really wanting to find something to read about this condition. Why it happens, theories on why it exists... Is there anything out there like that?



In closing, it is nice to meet you all!

-Steven

[Karren H]

Welcome to the crazy ward!! I've been crossdressing for 5 decades and I'm no closer at finding out why than you.. Which brings to to my favorite subject... Stop looking.. Accept it and move on.. Knowing why won't change a thing.. Even if you knew you would still love to crossdress? So why bother and waste valuable time and effort.. I totally accept that I can't change this and I embacre it even though I secretly wish it would go away.. But it won't... So that's my take...

Ohhh and congrats on beating cancer!! That had to really test your fortitude!!

[Misty G]

I feel the same as Karen. I ran across this poem some years ago and it meant more to me than seeing any theorpist or anyone else.

Shadow Dancer
I was there.
I was always there.
He didn't know me then,
and didn't realize who I was.
Just a shadow in his little boy dreams.
A spectral being in black lace,
come to caress his young, soft face.
He smiled in his sleep,unaware of the schemes,
that would end the joy that we had come to know.
Young and innocent,
he could not imagine how some
could hate me and my kind so.
I waited and abided my time,
for soon the awakening would be here.
He would gaze upon my face,
and would not be afraid to hold me in a friend's embrace.
We would stroll hand in hand,
kind and gentle,
through life's journeys together.
A friendship without end.
I would be free, and out of the shadows.
Alive and one, Finally able to play in the sun.
But in those dark days in the coming of age,
full of confusion, false starts and rage.
Alone and apart, we existed.
He loved and hated me at the same time,
what should have been ours,
he fought and resisted.
Heavy on him my urges did weigh.
Be gone, don't ever come back!
Those painful words I often did hear.
I would cry out to him, in anger and pain,
I can't, I can't, Don't you see?
We're brother and sister in the same place.
Look in the mirror, We have the same face.
No! No! He would shout and He would scream,
You're not real, You're nothing but a bad dream.
I am not a man, not just yet,
he said to me out loud with tears,
Streaming from our young eyes.
I'll tell you plain, and I'll tell you proud,
I'm going to be a man and lace just isn't allowed.
For years it went on like this,
him forever denying, and me always crying.
He was unable to lose me,
I was always there,
always at his side.
Insisting and pleading with him
forever offering my hand.
Begging him to accept me,
with all of my heart.
Learn about me from those of your kind.
We can exist together,
the way we were designed,
from here ever after,
this you cannot deny.
I am lonely and I am tired.
No longer defy me,
for it does us no good.
Here to stay,
I've always said.
Love me now,
pay no attention to what others may think.
Give me your heart,
and I'll give you mine.
Together the way it was meant.
We'll laugh and love,
and there'll be nothing left for you to resent.
And he finally, in this last year,
give up his fight and put a side the hate.
Willing to embrace My beautiful satin and black lace.
The healing has begun,
we are now whole.
Able to love myself,
as is my right.
One heart that beats strong,
no longer divided,
righting the wrong.
Finally able to face
what I should've always known.
I am Leah I am Leah. . . no longer alone

[Ashley_in_Texas]

Hi, Vanysh.
I too had the same thoughts early on. I always thought I was a freak, and that I was going to hell for it. I would stop for a while, but the urge would always come back. I would go to great lengths and expense to aquire clothes again, and find someplace to dress. When I realized that I wasn't the only straight crossdresser, I tried to find a common thread between me and all other straight CDs. In my mind, there had to be a rational, scientific reason for it. I am still not sure if there is one. Everyone seems to have their own reasons for wanting to dress.
There is no reason for you do feel dirty. Dress if you want, and enjoy life! The fact that you have no job, no partner, and no mortgage, could be a blessing. It seems that you have no strings holding you back from moving to a place where you aren't known, and can get a job and a place to live, and friends that will love and support you, no matter what; friends like you will find here.

Welcome to the board:hugs:

[Jaydee]

Wow!. I don't mean to hijack the thread, but that is a powerful poem. Thanks Misty.

Vanysh, welcome to the forum. I have cded for 45years. I have worried, fretted, consumed myself with guilt. I spent several years reading all the medical literature that I could on the "why" question. What I have come to is that no one knows. Many have a pet theory, but there is no "answer". Just in the last year or so, I have concluded that for what ever reason, this is the way I am, and I am accepting that. In the last couple months I have started coming out to my wife of 33 years. I agree with Karen, accept that you will never know why, and deal with life as it is. Enjoy the ride.

Jaydee

[Vanysh]

Awesome poem, Misty G, thanks! And thanks to you too Karren, Ashley, and Jaydee, for the kind words and support. I wish it were easy for me to just accept it, but it isn't. I guess if you can successfully quit those people wouldn't be here on these boards....

I can't just up and move, because I still have a family that I love and care about very much. And friends as well. I don't hate it here or anything. I'm just looking for answers.

Random question: why does everyone here go by their "female" name? Are you guys full-time? And how was it when you came out, if you came out that is.......Anyone with a good experience in that situation?

[Jamie VieJolie]

I would not dwell too much on "why." The fact of the matter is that no one really knows.

I have been dressing since I was about six or seven. I am now 38 and it is only this year that I have really started accepting who I am.

My experience is that purging is a waste of money. I won't do that again.

I got tired of fighting my own nature. I didn't feel dirty or perverted. I just didn't want the complication.

But nothing I do is going to change who I am. I'll be a lot happier just being me than trying to be what society or other people want me to be.

It sounds like you're also dealing with some depression issues. Are you seeing a therapist. I think that would be a positive step.

I do know that it can be easy to escape into crossdressing when life is dark.
I know that I have made a commitment to be productive in some fashion. It is very easy to spend all day dressing up and looking in the mirror but that can be a huge waste of time.

Do you have a creative outlet of any sort? I would really recommend writing, making music or something similar.

Exercise is another good way to help relieve stress and depression. Get outside, sweat, make the blood flow in your body.

Crossdressing has it's negative and positive factors. In my life I'm just trying to find a balance. I don't want to sweep it under the rug but neither do I want it to consume my life.

Best of luck to you on your journey.
God bless
Jamie

[Ashley_in_Texas]

Random question: why does everyone here go by their "female" name? Are you guys full-time? And how was it when you came out, if you came out that is.......Anyone with a good experience in that situation?

I guess I use my female name because everyone else does, and the fact that my real name doesn't go well with my picture.

I, myself, am nowhere near full time, I have only been out once, and that was halloween, with my wife. (working towards going out again)

I have not come out, and most likely will not. (My wife, her friend, and her sister-in-law know. I hope the wife doesn't tell anyone else)

[Vanysh]

I've looked into therapy. But everyone here is old fashioned...there are no therapists here who I would trust or that have any experience helping people who cross dress. I've actually looked it up online, someone gave me a website that lets you look for people that focus on specific things. No luck, the closest is 2 hours away. And I do not have the transportation nor money to do it. So I've been living with it all by my lonesome.

I do write, a lot. It isn't l like I'm a deadbeat completely. I have hobbies and such. I get out and see people. I'm not a recluse or anything. I'm just in a bad funk right now.

:(

[sherri52]

Hi Vanysh and welcome to the forum. I don't think I have ever felt guilt about my cd'ing, but I did worry abot other people finding out. My urge to dress never stopped only the availability to do so. I dress every night but not for my friends. I live in backwoods america amid all rednecks. I grew up as a Boston redneck, different type of people ( we didn't have guns then). As for you finding yourself, only you can do that. Once you accept it it will be easier on the rest of your life. It is only right that you get a job, that way you can find that someone in your life. Hopefully she is accepting. You have gotten through the worst thing that could happen to you. Congratulations for beating cancer. Now is the time to pick up and fight for the rest of your life. There is help here for you, but only you know why you dress.

[Jamie VieJolie]

It's easy to be in a funk these days if you've lost your job.

Life isn't easy. Sometimes all you can do is survive.

I've learned that all bad times pass.

If a job is not available then maybe some school or retraining would be a good idea. Look in the paper or online for what positions or skills are needed. Then look and see if training for those skills is available at your local community college or other educational institution.

It's hard to have any peace of mind about anything when you don't have an income.

Jamie

[Terry V]

I have been a crossdresser for over 50 years and I agree with those that came before me on this thread I am no closer to why I do what I do than I was 49 years ago. I to thought something must be wrong with me but now all these years later I have come to peace with IT and myself. It is me being me and I now know that is the most important thing to come to grips with be happy with who you are and don't let others define who you are.

[Bethany38]

Vanysh, as so many her have said before me. I have been dressing since childhood. This is nothing to be ashamed of. I am not full time but on here I go by Bethany, because that is who I am here. I have only began to embrace myself in the last six or seven years. However, since joining here I have found so much information and friendship, that it has allowed Bethany and I to blossom as the same person. I no longer feel ashamed of myself, for I now know that this is nothing to be ashamed of. Society has done many people a great dis-service by instilling labels on everyone that do not apply to every one. So please do not beat your self up over this. Embrace your feminine side and get to know her. I just came out recently and it has been both a terrifying and rewarding experience. My wife and Family have been extremely supportive and understanding. I know that this is not the case for everyone but, I would have came out anyhow for I could not stand being hidden away anymore. So stick around for a while you may find out much more than what you started out to. It is funny the way things happen in life. Until next time have a great evening and take care. Bethany:)

[Kate Simmons]

Why are the petals of a flower arranged the way they are? Why are flowers different? Why do bees buzz? Why do ducks and geese fly South? Why is regular water clear and ocean water blue? There are theories for all of these things but no one knows for sure. My biggest question has always been what makes a lump of protoplasm and a bunch of chemicals into a human being? My theory is that they simply want to be or it comes down to programming on an atomic level and closer to humans on a genetic level. Something controls what genes are turned off and on in individuals to get certain results. Current research suggests it is due to something called the epigenome and this can be influended by actions and enviornment. In essense we may be more responsible for who we are than we may think. In spite of all of this the best thing to do is just enjoy who we are and explore the possibilities. How many people on this wonderful planet really do that?:)

[Tina2]

You are my hero, Karren.

Steven, you are about 12 years ahead of me in terms of accepting your crossdressing. Thankfully, I never had cancer.

I use my girl name here because I am exploring my femininity and going by Tina helps me with that.

[Catherine in Colo]

Hi Vanysh,

One of your questions asked (if I read it correctly), why some of us feel perverted for wanting to crossdress. I can answer that in four words that I'll never forget my ex-wife saying: "men don't wear dresses". A ton of discrimination and self-loathing has resulted from this silly statement.

I'm sure a large part of your shame and the feeling like you're doing something "wrong" is a result of the fact that for generations, we've been taught that anything not considered "normal" by the mainstream is perverted, and that women are the weaker sex. So of course, the idea that a man would want to dress like or appear as a woman means there is something wrong with him. When you've been brought up in an environment in which is the common opinion, you're going to start believing it yourself.

If you stick around here long enough, you'll learn that of course, placing on yourself all the expectations of the outside world on what is "normal" is a no-win situation. Unfortuantely, as much as you'll hear it from us though, you have to believe it yourself. Hopefully you'll reach a point where you'll realize that there is no such thing as "normal". There is only who we are. I hope we can help you stop beating yourself up for being who you are and enjoy something that harms no one - except yourself - and you're in control of that!

Good luck,
Renee

[Vanysh]

Maybe I just want to stop though. I mean, it isn't an addiction that I feel I have to do. I can actually go without doing it. I have for long periods of time.

Society does dictate what is "normal". This is how the system works. If the system says cross dressing is a perversion then who are we to argue? The system just doesn't tell us we can't do it. Therefore we have an amazing community of supporters. I live in a place that is ruled, literally ruled, by old-fashioned people. I'm in Kentucky..... We didn't even have gay people in our high school that were out. It's just a bad place to be a CD.

[Wen4cd]

A need isn't exactly the same thing as an addiction.

[Vanysh]

I'm not seeing your point. Are you saying I "need" to do it?

[Wen4cd]

I wouldn't want to imply that. I meant we need to express ourselves, and dressing is one way some of us do it.

[Vanysh]

I guess i'm just going through something right now. A phase that is telling me to stop. I hate dressing right now. I really do. If I'm coming across snappy I apologize.

[Wen4cd]

My theory is that when you find what dressing represents to you, what parts of yourself that are bottled up and labeled as 'feminine' that are coming out as a desire to dress, and being projected onto the object of your dressed self, then dressing becomes a different thing. YMMV, but in my case it was something to do with Individuation.

[Maria in heels]

Vanysh,

we do this because we feel the feminine side of us coming out...I have always thought this way, and actually have several chat sisters who agree...our fem persona is part of us, and there is no reason to totally closet or hide ... your fem side will always come thru in your day to day life...

I'm sure that your troubles have been 'heavy' but remember, each day is new and a gift...you need to try and get yourself out of the 'funk' that you sound like you are in...

Maria

[Veronica Lacey]

Hi Vanysh...

Congrats on beating cancer; I hope it stays away for good.

As some have stated, knowing the reason for why you dress may not resolve anything for you. I know where my desire to dress began and I know what perpetuated it later in life. I also know what I get out of it these days yet when it boils right down to "why do I do it or like it" it is much like asking myself why I like chocolate. I just do. It gives me comfort, it tastes good and so forth. Eat too much and it's not so good for me. Dress too often and I neglect other facets of life and dressing feels like a negative.

Perhaps you are simply seeking that balance and really need not figure out why at this time. To feel dirty about dressing to me would suggest you may be weighing what society in general thinks about it as a personal statement against yourself. I have felt that way, too. I would look for something in my life to say it was okay to dress but the only way I could get that acceptance was if I chose to accept it myself.

I think Shakespeare did well on his thought:

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

Ultimately, as others have alluded to, it is up to you what you do and how often as well as how it makes you feel. You control your actions and reap the benefits and bumps. :2c:

[MarinaTwelve200]

Crossdressing is a symptom common to several very different underlying psychological conditions. You are letting ONE manefestation of your psychical state (crossdressing) perhaps blind you to what ever else is going on in your life. People crossdress for FUN, Sexual stimulation, various forms of escapisim, variations on SM, and sometimes even transsexualisim. etc. There is no ONE "cause" of CDing any more than there is any one cause of "a fever" only one of several symptoms common to many varied conditions.

Of course self anyalisis is quite difficult. You have to explore several different paths and be very honest with yourself. My first guess, without knowing you, appears to be some form of escapisim--CDing lets you become someone entirely different and temporally "escape" yourself and life. A sense of "desperation and urgency" may be making you CD more and more.----But then again ,you know yourself better than I do, Just do not let CDing, the most disturbing of your symptoms/responses distract you.

[suchacutie]

Congratulations on beating the cancer, congratulations on the fortitude to understand that there is a feminine side that draws you, and congratulations on the fortitude to talk it out!

I'm 59 and only found Tina four years ago. You can just imagine my confusion! Why now? Why is it so strong?

There is one conclusion I have drawn. Clearly this feminine person we've named Tina is a part of me. Who is she? What part of me is she? How does she affect the masculine side of me? If I understand her better, will I understand my wife better (the answer to this is definitely YES)? Is she going to be a part of me forever, and has she been lurking in me forever?

These are only some questions and I think their answers are important for me. After only 4 years it's quite clear that although I had some feminine characteristics in my otherwise very masculine self, I knew NOTHING about being a woman! Finding out who Tina is, what she thinks, what she likes and dislikes, and what her interests are has already given me incredible insights into the rest of my life.

The best decision about all of this that Tina is a part of me, and to reject her is to not know who I am. How can I possibly turn her away?

And yes, here it is Tina, for here we are addressing the issues of and about Tina and all the rest of the girls on this site. My male self it here only as observer :).

welcome to our crazy but very interesting world!

tina

[mklinden2010]

>>I feel like it is perverted, and I don't understand why I have the urge to do it. Does anyone here know why this happens? And can I quit even though I've tried to numerous times and failed? I'm perfectly fine being a guy, but I still indulge in imagining how my life would be as a woman. I just feel...dirty...for being like this. And I'm not trying to belittle or make fun of anyone who enjoys this. I have nothing against it. I just don't understand why I do it.


Fellow traveler in this time and space,

People repeat behavior because there's some form of positive payoff. A steady paycheck, for example, makes up for two entire weeks of commuting, eating a fast lunch, and putting up with a long commute in both directions.

Point is, it gets done because the payoff is payday - and with payday comes happy hour, paying the rent, putting a full tank of gas in the car, etc. Lots of payoffs...

Crossdressing generally has a short term payoff. It can be auto erotic, it can be role playing, it can be escapism, it can be a fantasy game, all sorts of things. People crossdress because it is something they can do to get a positive payoff.

And, people do this instead of switching to something else because it's familiar, it works, and, at some level it's "their" thing to do - probably hardwired into our brains at some point, in some way. It works, it's generally harmless, and it's a personal characteristic that you can't and won't change any more than a preference for vanilla over chocolate ice cream.

Crossdressing also has long term payoffs. What you do today is often what you become tomorrow. Crossdress long enough, and you begin to see things about the world... Such as everybody has something to divert them. Could be fishing or football or something else. Everybody spends too much money eating, smoking, collecting stamps. We all have personal vices but mostly nobody pays any attention - unless we sell the house to get a rare stamp that the cat eats.

So, trust Popeye. Say to yourself, "I yam what I yam" and do what you have to do to get your payoff and move on each day. In fact, make it part of your day. "I get this truck loaded, I'm going to do something good for me. And, if not tonight, this weekend, and, if not then..." Give yourself some credit for being able to manage yourself. This is part of you, start managing it. This is not a forest fire to put out. It's flowing water, a tune that you hum as you garden, a thing you're accustomed to doing as you go about your life. Crossdressing is not "the" problem - and it may just be how you deal with life's problems. You sound smart, you figure out where to go from here.

Speaking of smart, it's exactly what a person with a working mind and good imagination would do: explore what it would like to be a woman - at least sometimes. Most of us don't want to be a woman with the flu, 9 and 1/2 months pregnant, or, getting beat by a mean husband. Our thoughts are usually more pleasant, more sexy, more anything but awful. And, there's no harm in that, even woman don't want to have to deal with the bad things in their lives and they do what they can to avoid such things. That's smart on their part.

I leave you with a general rule in life:

"If something bothers you about something, do something about it if you can - and you can usually do s-o-m-e-thing."

Don't worry about the crossdressing - you can manage that. But, feeling like crap for living with grandma, struggling with no job, thinking you're stuck in the sticks... That's where you start - with the feeling that things suck. Rejoice: that's your message from the heavens - take the posted suggestions and others you come up with and make a better life for yourself. You've got fifty years to make a better life. It will take time, but you have time.

Get to work and enjoy whatever gains you make from here.

They'll be yours - you'll earn them.

And, it won't be how many dollars or how many cars or how many lovers... It will be how many more good thoughts you'll have at 34, 44, 74, than you have now.

We all get older. Lots of us get older and happier.

But, we didn't get either of those without getting ourselves here...

Get busy, get happy, and keep climbing back to the top of the happy pile no matter who or what pushes you off.

You're probably OK right now.

Only people who want better write letters asking for help and information.

That's the ticket.

[Vanysh]

Thanks for all the great advice you all. Tonight has been a difficult one. I think if I had the opportunity and the clothes to dress I would. All I have now are clothes I snatched from my Grandma. She doesn't even wear them anymore. I've never even had access to a wig...And only on rare occasions have I been able to use make-up. Maybe three or four times total. And, obviously, I've never been out nor do I think I could pass.

To be honest I'm probably the worst crossdresser of all time! Sheesh, compared to everyone else I can't even tell you all anything about make-up. Because I simply don't know. I guess I'm a minimalist.

My number one wish would to actually have someone HELP me cross dress correctly. But that isn't going to happen here.

[nvlady]

I am 66 years old and for all my life I've had this weird desire to look feminine at times. I can't explain it, all I can do is accept the fact that it is there, and will always be there.
I don't know how many of us on this forum are familiar with the Alcoholics Anonymous prayer, but it goes something like "Lord help me change the things I can and accept the things I cannot change".
Most (probably all) of us on this forum have learned to accept this thing that we cannot change.

[Ms Mira]

Vanysh, you sound like a classic case of somebody growing up in a conservative environment who has somewhat abnormal desires and so you find yourself wracked with guilt. I haven't gone through as much as you have, but I do come from a conservative Chinese background. I love my parents to death, and anytime they have anything to say I will listen, but I'm my own free-thinking entity and you are too. Of course, I can't help but be influenced by the values they espoused when I was growing up, but it would be limiting to my personal growth to be constrained by them.

Striving for "normalcy", for this picture-perfect ideal, is ingrained in a lot of cultures... You can see it every time you go to the suburbs. The truth of the matter is that people are strange though, everybody has their "perversions", whether they're out in the open or not. Instead of stifling yourself trying to reach this normal ideal, figure out who you are and how you can be happy.

Of course, I'm not advocating gallivanting around town in a dress. Find a way to move out on your own to a more accepting environment.... maybe not at exactly this moment, but latest within the next few years. It's difficult to envision right now, I'm sure, and of course, there's the fear of the unknown... But it'll be good for your personal growth, and hopefully a lot of fun, to see life beyond your current environment. Like you said, you don't have a job or a girl or much else holding you back anyway.

Oh, and I can identify with that feeling of being the worst crossdresser ever. None of us are born with inherent makeup or dressing skills... It takes your personal interest in the subject and practice.

[Vanysh]

Thanks Mira, that helps a lot actually. What you say really does hit the target deadcenter. *hugs*