Survival rate for relationships?

[Sarah Michelle]

I'm bubbling over with enthusiasm. I have found a core of myself that I truly love and I have to struggle not to share this with my wife because as good as it might be for me, I expect she will be devastated. Does anyone know what the survival rate is for relationships that have to endure such a dramatic change? I've been running away all my life and I'm not sure that I want to run or hide now but she certainly didn't sign up for this.
And before you all direct me; I have been reading the posts on the subject of coming out.

[DonnaT]

I reckon it would be hard to pin down a survival rate.

A lot depends on the overall relationship. A lot depends on how open a spouse is. A lot depends on a lot of things.

However, even a solid no problem marriage can crumble when one comes out as trans (CD or TS).

My wife has known for 34 yrs.

[JulieC]

Research on CDing is very limited to almost non-existent. So, really, there's no numbers on survival rates of marriages where CDing is discovered/told about.

[Sheila]

have been in two relationships with CDERs ........... one didn't last ........ the second CDER I got involved with I am marrying 3 weeks today so survival rate for me is 50% . better than average I think for general relationships :)

[Hope]

Here is my rule of thumb. There are very few things (and crossdressing is not one of them) that will kill a healthy relationship. There are lots of things (and crossdressing is absolutely one of them) that will finnish off a crummy relationship.

The thing you have to discern for yourself is this: Do I have a good relationship? Are you your wife's best friend? Is your wife your best friend?

If you want to strengthen your marriage, the book I always recommend is "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:" by Dr. Gottmann. It is available from Amazon here:

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254351311&sr=8-1-spell

There are several other resources by Gottman, but the 7 principles is the place to start.

[sherri52]

I have to agree with Hope. If you have a good relationship her finding out about the cd'ing won't kill it. Try to get it out slowly she may surprise you and accept it. She may let you but tell you not to do it around her. She may not like it at all. No matter what the case you have to let her know. If she finds out any other way then in her eyes you have been deceiving her and she'll wonder if there is any other deceit. Good luck

[jayme357]

Survival rate?

Each of us is a statistic of one.

[Tanya83]

For me so far it's 50/50.

[TNRobin]

It seems that hiding it will be much more devastating to a relationship than coming out. Here's a thread that you might want to take a look at.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=107302

[Rebecca Jayne]

Marriage, a relationship between 2 people, requires constant
communication to avoid pitfalls.
Cross Dressing is a small bump in the road of life compared to
some of life's other surprise


Although not exactly what your wife was expecting you to divulge to her,
its not violating one of the 10 commandments,
is it?

[Tanya83]

Marriage, a relationship between 2 people, requires constant
communication to avoid pitfalls.
Cross Dressing is a small bump in the road of life compared to
some of life's other surprise


Although not exactly what your wife was expecting you to divulge to her,
its not violating one of the 10 commandments,
is it?

Thou shall not wear thy wifes panties. lol

[giuseppina]

Thou shall not wear thy wifes panties. lol

Or, for that matter, anything else of hers without express permission! :)

Cheers
Giuseppina

[sissystephanie]

As others have commented in different ways, we are all individuals and thus there are many ways of coping in a relationship.

In my own case, I told my late wife before we married.She accepted me "as is," and we remained married for almost 50 years before I lost her to cancer.

The main thing I always counsel CD's to do is be completely honest and open with their wives or SO's. That means maintaining open lines of communication about everything! And you must always remember, your wife married a man, not a woman! If you are a CD who dresses only for the pleasure of wearing feminine garments, as I do, then let your wife know that you are still a man underneath that satin and lace! On the other hand, it you really think you are a TG, then let your wife know that so she can decide if she loves you enough to have a female husband! That is her decision to make, no matter how much you may love her. Because if you really do LOVE her, above everything else, you will never let that question be raised!!

Survival may be for the fittest in some cases, but in relationships it is for the HONEST!

[carolmello]

As a gg married to a cd my husband know's how you feel. Before we were married my husband told me that he liked wearing pantyhose and I was fine with that. Then he proceeded to tell me that he liked wearing women's clothes. I was a little shocked to say the least. I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I asked a lot of questions and wondered "why?"

Like previous posters have stated if you are your wife's best friend and she your best friend then it may be a little easier for you to tell her. You need to remember though that she may feel hurt, cry and probably ask a lot of questions and "why?" but in the end if she truly does love you for who you are then she may be open to the idea. From personal experience the longer you wait to tell her the harder it will be for her to have an open mind about it. Whatever you do, don't hide it because if you do it may damage the wonderful marriage that you have. Be open and honest with her and remember why you married her, let her know that you love her and are still the same person inside.

Good luck and I wish you the best.

Carol

[Dana]

I've done extensive research on marriage and divorce.

Without factoring in crossdressing?

The divorce rate for men that married under the age of 25? 90%

The divorce rate because the woman became pregenant? 90%

The divorce rate for first time marriages? 49%

The divorce rate for second time marriages? 62%

The divorce rate for third time marriages? 72%

Crossdressing isn't so much a factor as is lacking the relationship skill set and communication to make a marriage / relationship work.

Its understanding that women's and men's brains are literally 'wired' differently, and that men and women think and communicated differently.

There's strong evidence that a transgendered males' brain are partially (but not fully) femininzied. (Or I should say not fully masuclinzed)

Ref:

"Brain Sex"

"You Just Don't Understand"

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes!"

"GenderSpeak"

[Sally24]

I've been married to the same woman for 31 years and yes she "knew" before we were even engaged. Things have changed along the way and she has learned to adapt. If I had not been open with her I have no idea how things would have gone.

[Sandra]

CDing is sometimes the reason a relationship ends but cding is not always the reason a relationship ends, usually the cding just tips the scales in a relationship where other problems are present.

I''ve been married to my SO 22 years and knew about the cding 6 months after we got married.

[Sarah Michelle]

Thank you all for the thoughts. I can appreciate the need for honesty but when you have been lying to yourself for so many years, as I have, being honest with others is even more difficult. enuff 4 now, too deep.

[Angel.Marie76]

I say it would have a direct relation to the comfort level between yourself and your significant other multiplied by the length of time in your current relation, with the square root being your SO's openess to understand and adapt to the situation at hand.

Suffice to say that survival rates of relations are all open variables. Unfortunately, as you've said, keeping something like this pent up inside you for a LONG time and hiding it from an SO that's been connected to you for a long run, it is quite possible that your mate will take things very rough. In my short term relations (3-5yrs) I've found that, even by hinting at the idea of CDing, that the SO in question at the time was not likely to be accepting. From those experiences I've felt that the relation at hand basicaly had a countdown timer on it from those points.

Yet, as a flipside, my now SO of 1yr+ learned of my (then) dressing and now TG/TS nature within 6 months of being together, and was supportive, then scared, upset, and is now, slowly coming to grips with the girl she'll be living with in the future. Her male mate is fading away one day after another, and she's sad at times, but to her, at least now, the lady she's getting to know has more happiness to offer than the male did. Will that be enough to keep our relation going into the distant future? Only time will tell.

Either way you need to start trusting your instincts if you're listening to the girl within, she'll start pushing your buttons soon enough (or it sounds like she already has). I know many here are happy with staying in the closet their entire lives, and I don't have a problem with that. I, personally, just don't want to hide any longer, I would rather direct that energy at being beautiful inside AND out.

Best of luck hun! :hugs:

[Blaire]

Thou shall not covet thy wifes panties. lol

Or is that the egg following the chicken?