What is the role of a GG in a CD relationship?

[Lucy Long Legs]

Like many here, I have been dressing since my teens, at first completely in secret, then more recently revealing myself to a chosen few. I remarried about ten years ago and, beforehand, introduced my female self to my new wife. She was enthusiastic and bought clothes and shoes and helped with my makeup. She has never been one for gender stereotypes so I was delighted but not surprised. Again like many here, when dressed it is not just my appearance that changes. My personality, behaviour and physical capabilities change too.
The reason for this question is because neither of us has the wish nor the ability to play the traditional male role and my wife is at a loss what to do once I am dressed. She feels left out - not wanting to compete as a woman (she feels I am prettier and more feminine than she is) and certainly not wanting to be masculine in any way. I am worried about the future of our relationship.
It would be great to hear from both GGs and CDs about their thoughts and experiences.

[Sheila]

for me it is the same as the CDER's role in the relationship, and the same as in any other relationship, both need to to be the best partner possible to their partner :)

Cding brings another dynamic to a relationship it should not be about CDing or any other individual part of a relationship, but rather about the total relationship just my :2c:

[Sally24]

Why compete? Just socialize like two women friends would. If she is open to it then it could also be sexual. My wife likes to go shopping together because I am much more patient and we find things for each other. We go out to eat and go to shows and movies.

If you stay at home try something fun like cooking. If neither of you are great at it then you can try experimenting with new recipes and new foods.

[Sandra]

What's the role?

Same as it is in any relationship.




The reason for this question is because neither of us has the wish nor the ability to play the traditional male role and my wife is at a loss what to do once I am dressed.

She should just be herself and not take on any other role.



She feels left out - not wanting to compete as a woman (she feels I am prettier and more feminine than she is) and certainly not wanting to be masculine in any way. I am worried about the future of our relationship.
It would be great to hear from both GGs and CDs about their thoughts and experiences.

IMO one thing that you should do is reassure her that she is pretty and feminine and that your not trying to take that away from her.

I don't feel the need to compete with my SO, she has never given me any reason to want to.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

To keep it very simple nothing changes. Whether en-femme or in male mode. My wife is still after me to do my laundry, pick up my clutter, etc. neither one of us really cooks so that's not really a problem. In other words everything is still the same.

[Miranda09]

I agree with everyone here. There's no need for competetion. No matter how you dress, you're still the same person...no need for the interactions between you to change. It is up to you, however, to make sure she doesn't feel left out. Nothing wrong with taking a lead sometimes, just as any two female friends would. :) Like Sally said, think of things 2 girlfriends can do together, but don't forget to do those things that a man and woman like to together as well....when not in femme mode that is!! :)

[deja true]

Role?

You each have the very same role ... to be your partner's best friend and help-mate.

It makes no difference who takes out the trash, cuts the grass, keeps the books, initiates sex, does the ironing, etc ... as long as everything that needs doing gets accomplished.

If you think your wife thinks you're the prettiest one or the most femme one, then your role is to bolster her self esteem and make her feel good about herself. Isn't there room in a relationship for two pretty ones? Isn't a relationship better for having two strong -hearted, self assured people in it?

[Di]

Role?
Well the role should be as everyone has said...her role is to be herself..........it isn't a play or movie set....you need /want to be yourself why shouldn't she?

[Kate Simmons]

As most have said, her "role" is to be herself as yours is. A good relationship is about equal sharing and is a partnership. The problems come in when the CD wants to be the prima donna and turn the SO into her side kick. While society per se assigns typical "roles" to the man and woman, a couple who really knows each other will vary the theme as to what works best for them.:)

[carolmello]

Role?

You each have the very same role ... to be your partner's best friend and help-mate.

It makes no difference who takes out the trash, cuts the grass, keeps the books, initiates sex, does the ironing, etc ... as long as everything that needs doing gets accomplished.

If you think your wife thinks you're the prettiest one or the most femme one, then your role is to bolster her self esteem and make her feel good about herself. Isn't there room in a relationship for two pretty ones? Isn't a relationship better for having two strong -hearted, self assured people in it?

This is so very true as all the others have stated in their posts. As a gg I don't take on a different role when my SO is in fem. Sure she may be prettier than me but she helps me realize that I'm just as pretty and important and boosts my confidence in me. Be best girlfriends when you go shopping, confide in her like she's your soul mate and best friend. Boost her self confidence by buying her something that you would wear and feel pretty in. Help her see that she's just as important no matter how you are dressed because she is that special lady in your life.

Carol

[donnasweetheart]

When my S.O. is dressed we have lots of fun, we do what ever comes natural and comfortable to the both of us. We may go out, or we may just sit and have coffee and talk. The clothes doesn't define who we are, we accept one another just the way we are.

[Holly]

My wife's role is to be herself and to enjoy living. My role is to make her as happy as I can possibly make her. That doesn't change no matter how either one of us is dressed.

[sissystephanie]

My wife's role is to be herself and to enjoy living. My role is to make her as happy as I cen possibly make her. That doesn't change no matter how either one of us is dressed.

As usual, "Mom" Holly hit the nail on its flat head! My late wife always wanted to know that I was still her "man," no matter what I was wearing! I made sure, in various ways, that she did know that. Like Lucy I was not able to perform some normal male functions, but there are many other ways to make a GG feel happy! And I used a lot of them!

My late wife told me often that I was not only her husband, lover and best friend, but that I was also her best girl friend! And that attitude, which was a reflection of my own attitude, is what kept our realationship going for almost 50 years before she passed away!

[Samantha B L]

My GG passed away 5 years ago but I strived to always let her know how lucky I was to find an SO who approved and encouraged me. Strangely, there was nothing for me to do but sit in the bowl and soak up the milk. She had more money than I did and insisted on paying for everything when shopping or at resturaunts. She ran things! So it was up to me not to spend her money and to always be upfront and honest about everything which I always did my best to be.

[DonnaT]

I agree with what most have mentioned, in that your roles should remain the same.

Ideally.

However, her role completely changes when you are enfemme. This is because her role is normally one she associates with a man. She's not used to having a relationship with a woman, the woman you become when enfemme.


when dressed it is not just my appearance that changes. My personality, behaviour and physical capabilities change too.

Since your role changes, then hers needs to change to adjust to yours. This is the problem she seems to be having.

I reckon it becomes a bit disconcerting to her to no longer feel she's in a relationship with a man, or her husband. And not wanting to take on the male role, that just leaves a new role of girl friends.

I'm guessing that she has other girl friends, so ask her how she became good friends with these other ladies.

Ask her if she feels she can become comfortable interacting with you as a girl friend.

If she feels like she's competing with you, then becoming girl friends won't be easy.

She'll need to give you some idea of how to proceed. What you can do to make her feel equal. Etc.

For example, you may like dressing in short skirts whereas she likes dressing in slacks. You may need to dress in slacks so she can feel comfortable.

It's going to take open and honest discussions to find a good compromise you both are happy with.

Once y'all find a good compromise, then you two can go out and about like girl friends.

[Blaire]

The reason for this question is because neither of us has the wish nor the ability to play the traditional male role and my wife is at a loss what to do once I am dressed.

Aren't 2 for 1 sales grand?

You're her best friend. Period.

Show that you're her best partner, and her best girlfriend. 2 sides of the same coin!

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

My wife loves me as P***,(my male name) and she loves as felicity. At this point, when we're at home,I'm always dressed femme,she has helped me shop, pulling the zipper up on my dress and being very supportive. We don't see it as a contest or who should play what role. Just tell your SO how much you love her and appreciate how supportive she is to you.



Felicity :)



BTW, can't forget this,also tell her how pretty and feminine she is and buy her some roses.

[Tina B.]

When I started dressing in front of my wife she was very uncomfortable, but after talking it over I found that she felt if I was going to get all dressed up, them she should too, even if she was tired and not in the mood, but I made her understand, this is my thing, and I did not expect her to put out an effort to dress up in skirt and nylons after a long day at work, just because it made me feel better to do it. and I found her just as feminine, with her just being herself, and loved her even more for allowing me the freedom to be myself. after that she became my biggest fan, Tina loves to cook, and is pretty good at housework so it pays off all the way around.
Tina

[bvane]

Hi Lucy,
I'm new here, and am just now fighting with this question. I'm trying to figure out if I can even be with my husband now that I know he is a crossdresser. I'm still with him because I love him.

[KayC]

I can understand her feelings...in the beginning upon finding out, it challenged everything I thought I knew, who he was, who I am, etc. There shouldn't be competition, try to let her know how beautiful she is to you and how you value her as your special girl. If you ogle every woman that comes by or comment about them, it will make her feel you want them instead of her (even though you're just checking out their clothing or makeup) so try to keep that discreet and to a minimum. My SO makes a very beautiful woman too but looks nothing like me and I happen to like how I look so his looking beautiful doesn't make me feel any less feminine...what would make me feel less feminine and desired is if he didn't show appreciation for me being dressed to the hilt for him. Try to have fun with it...give her a manicure and pedicure, and ask her to do one for you, go shopping together, etc. But don't always talk about girly stuff, be in your guy mode sometimes too or she'll miss that. Everything in the world doesn't revolve around CDing, there's other things too...family, problems, work, chores, music, sports, nature, etc. Try to remember it's not all about you, it's about her too and it's about your relationship all of the time.

Oh and...I remind myself it takes me 10-30 minutes to get ready and it takes him roughly 8 hours...so if he turns out prettier, hey, he deserves it!

[Rachel Morley]

What role? .... whatever she wants it to be! I agree with the others, don't worry about having to be "this way" or "that way", or thinking you have to follow the pack. Just love each other in the best way you know how. She thinks you're prettier than her? .... I don't think so. It's more likely that it's just her feeling pressure to conform to stereotypical expectations of her gender. You should be able to help her with that - right? :p i.e. she's a real woman so she's supposed to be beautiful or skinny .... or both!

Tell her she has something you'll never have ... she's FAB, she's a GG... something you love so much you want to emulate her as much as possible. In other words, she's the person you look up to. She's your role model because she's not only is she wonderful but she's genetic and you love her with all your heart and soul. :)

[Sarah5]

My GG has never felt threatened in any way over my Cd'ing. She knows I am her man but that at times I like to be her girl too...lol...and she has always been completly fine with it.

[Levea]

From a GGs perspective- i can understand her furstration in not wanting to compete for the feminity. I feel as if my SO is much prettier then myself, and for awhile her Cding caused me more self loathing.
It took alot of conversation and compliments! for us to begin to find our "new roles". Now we act as if we are just good girl friends that enjoy doing many things together. Eating dinner, watching television, going out particular places. No matter what we do we enjoy spending time with each other, and after realzing that she will love me even if i dont love myself, was a huge help.
Just talk to your SO and make sure she knows that you love her for her femme and not so femme ways! And above all else compliment compliment compliment! We women tend to forget the great things about ourselves when we feel out shined! Lots of love and luck!:hugs:

[Samantha43]

My wife and I have a pretty traditional relationship. Crossdressing hasn't really changed anything. She has known since before we were married and has been very supportive. Of course I make sure I am the man she married 90% of the time.

She doesn't have to worry about competing with me. She is a very attractive and emotionally secure woman.

[Sheila]

I don't feel the need to compete with my SO, she has never given me any reason to want to.

Debs never makes me feel I ever have to compete with her, just the opposite in fact, when I do scrub up from my usual day look, she always always says forget it, no way on earth can I look as good as you, you have it all and you are beautiful, lets just go out as D**** and Sheila, bless she looks just fine to me in whatever she wears :)

The role I do find myself taking on as we have started going out is the Protective role, now that is a little silly because she is far more capable of me then thumping somebody if it comes to that, but I find I am looking for situations that may arise and taking steps to avoid them happening, to protect her as she ventures out into the world and has enough confidence to deal with any situation that may arise :)

[Sandra]

The role I do find myself taking on as we have started going out is the Protective role,

:OMG:

Yep been there done that, still do infact but not quite as much :D

[DemonicDaughter]

I've always wanted the role of Queen Elizabeth the First! She had the most exquisite attire and seemed to regal. But then I love Shakespeare so perhaps something from A Mid Summers Eve....:daydreaming:

Otherwise, we have no "roles" for that implies an act or pre-determined functions within a relationship. Sounds far too stuffy for me. I'd prefer a bit of spontaneity myself.

[Joni T]

All I can say is that this CD-GG relationship will have it's 23rd wedding anniversary next month. Need I say more?

[Pink Person]

If you are only a CD, then you are a feminine male, not a female. Your wife is a feminine female. You are both feminine people. You are not both females.

I will assume that both of you are heterosexual. Consequently, inside the bedroom, you should be a feminine heterosexual male and she should be a feminine heterosexual female.

In short, you and your wife have a common gender and a common sexuality, but you are not the same sex. Outside of the bedroom, you should both enjoy expressing your shared femininity. Inside the bedroom, you should express your (feminine) heterosexual maleness and she should express her (feminine) heterosexual femaleness.

If these suggestions don’t help you then please disregard them. Other people have offered advice that seems good so I won’t repeat those things.

[Jess81CD]

I've never been able to fully share my dressing with a GG which has always been hard.

In my mind though I wouldn't want her role to change with me when i dress. I'd still want her to be my girlfriend/lover/partner. I'm so envious of all the girls on here who say their partners have gone shopping with or for them!

[marisa]

honestly, there shouldn't be any set in stone roles to follow. yes i will admit that there are things that males can do better than females and vise versa. but relationships are a 2 way street. as long as each person tries to let the other know how much thier loved and supported and respected and wanted, eventually a good balance should devlope. but if a role really needs to be named, i say call it a bff role.

[Christine Rugby]

From another perspective GGer who is new to her SO's CDing, I know in my head the roles are the same etc. It's sometimes my emotions that get in the way. I also feel sometimes she is prettier than I and that throws me for a loop. But, we talk and talk and sometimes talk some more so that s/he understands and we can come to a better understanding again.

Also, I feel that when introduced to her, it's like meeting a new person in some ways. I know some people would disagree, but it is like I need to find a new way to relate to her right now. I need to start a new friendship and that takes some time. In the end, I know logically it is the same person I married and that I love this person no matter what she/he looks like on the outside. I hope that I can attain the emotional reality that so many long time GG'ers have expressed--the knowledge and emotional security that this person is the same wonderful and fantastic human being I married.

So, give her some time, reassure her you are not competing, tell her always you are the same AND show her that in your actions with love and understanding.

[DemonicDaughter]

If you are only a CD, then you are a feminine male, not a female. Your wife is a feminine female. You are both feminine people. You are not both females.

I will assume that both of you are heterosexual. Consequently, inside the bedroom, you should be a feminine heterosexual male and she should be a feminine heterosexual female.

In short, you and your wife have a common gender and a common sexuality, but you are not the same sex. Outside of the bedroom, you should both enjoy expressing your shared femininity. Inside the bedroom, you should express your (feminine) heterosexual maleness and she should express her (feminine) heterosexual femaleness.

If these suggestions don’t help you then please disregard them. Other people have offered advice that seems good so I won’t repeat those things.

Awesome response! :D

[Pink Person]

Thanks DD, you are sweet.

I think a lot of couples on this site would be happier if they embraced their special (heterosexual, or not) queerness. Too many people here seem to be inflicting misery on themselves by adopting sex, gender, and sexual stereotypes that don't make them happy and will never make them happy.