please help--found out my boyfriend is into crossdressing [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

notsurewhattodo

10-01-2009, 10:34 PM

hey everyone! so i joined this site bc i found my boyfriend was looking at it and it actually seems really interesting.

i recently discovered a bodystocking and pair of stockings in his closet when i was putting stuff away a few weeks ago. assuming they were his ex's (from 3 yrs ago) i was angry and confronted him about having them still. he responded saying that he bought them a while back but no woman he ever worn them. kinda weird.. but didnt think much of it and i threw them away bc i didnt want that stuff around if it was from his past. he didnt fight me which i also thought was strange.

i was on his computer not too long after that and started seeing strange sites--alternative lifestyle sites and a lottt of crossdressing sites/pictures. i know hes very into stockings/lingerie/dress up when it comes to me but why would he be looking at this stuff? ultimately ive figured out that he's into crossdressing or dressing in lingerie. at least the thought of it.

i dont know what to do not (hence the username). im actually fine with it. im a pretty open person both sexually and in every day life but i dont know how to approach the situation. should i bring it up? should i let it go?its been on my mind since i figured it out but i cant seem to get myself to say it mostly bc i dont know how and i dont know how he'll react. i dnt want him to think im invading his privacy but at the same time i want him to be able to open up to me and tell me anything. i think we have a really open and honest relationship besdies this one particular topic...

also, is it common for heterosexual men who are into crossdressing/lingerie to look at other men in lingerie online? not sure how i should feel about that.

i took this as a shock bc hes veryyy masculine. overly masculine perhaps but a true gentlemen and loves women. i guess im just confused and need a little advice and comfort at this time.

thanks for listening and any help you can give!

DonnaT

10-01-2009, 10:46 PM

If you want to ease your mind, then bring it up.

Make no accusations.

Once he realizes you are OK with it, then discuss his viewing of the men in lingerie. Is it common? Don't know about common, but it is known to occur frequently.

He may clam up completely, however. That's been known to occur also. Too much embarrassment, guilt, etc. to deal with.

Welcome to the forum.

cd_jamie

10-01-2009, 10:53 PM

welcome to the forum. I am probly not the best one to be handing out advice since i am in the closet with my dressing. we all look at the pictures of the other"ladies" and will leave our comments. sure you will have questions about finding the items in his closet he may admit to you he is dressing and maybe he wont. most CD are strait so there is little chance of him being gay or bi. there is much info here on this site you can read.

Barbara Jo

10-01-2009, 11:08 PM

I can tell you that the first few times I was confronted with my CD by those close to me, I "clammed up" due to me being extremely embarassed and scared by the thought of someone knowing.

You first have to decide it you are OK with his CD and then act acordingly.

If you decide to be supportive, I suspect that he will be very grateful.

Catherine in Colo

10-01-2009, 11:25 PM

Hi, and welcome

First, you should probably be prepared to talk with him sooner rather than later and let him know you know. If you found this site because you know he reads it, then it's a good bet he'll see your post sooner or later and realize you know. Better to to talk to him up front and show your support as best you can based on your comfort level than to let him find out by seeing your post here. He'll be embarassed, but just knowing that you're not ready to run screaming from the room will be a great relief for him, and a good start to some helpful conversations.

As for him looking at sites of men in lingerie, I wouldn't be too worried about that just yet. It's more than likely he's trying to find men who are like him so that he doesn't feel alone. But don't be surprised if he can't articulate his feelings or actions very well, so don't be looking for clear and final answers on day one. This will be awkward for both of you, so take it slow. And everyone is here to help both of you!

Hope this helps, and good luck!

tiffanytrapt19

10-01-2009, 11:42 PM

I agree, tell him and let him know that you are ok with it, and above all let him know u DON'T think he's wierd, you have no idea how nice that is to hear from your significant other. Trust, gain his trust and he'll open up :)

giuseppina

10-02-2009, 12:06 AM

...

Make no accusations.
...

:iagree:

Judging is a big turn-off as well.

There is a post by Marla GG in the Loved Ones section entitled Now I like it, Now I don't.

There is also a private GG forum which we CDs don't have access to. You need 10 posts and an invitation. Details : http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=pf#faq_gg_forum

Cheers
Giuseppina

raleighbelle

10-02-2009, 12:08 AM

I just wanted to mention that although there are many photos of people dressed up on this site, the vast majority of us do not look at them or put them on the site to arouse or excite each other, but to show what we can do and to relate to each other as we go through all this. For many, it is also the only place they can actually dress up and be accepted or have other people see them dressed, and still maintain some anonymity and not have job or family or social repercussions for doing so. A major value of this site is to see that we are not completely alone in the crossdressing, or gender issues for some, which is how I think most of us felt for many years before coming across this forum. I think you will learn a lot on this site and see that it is not just for the crossdressers but also for their significant others as well. Welcome.

Levea

10-02-2009, 12:09 AM

Sophia de la luz

10-02-2009, 12:15 AM

Have a dress up sex date with him, on your suggestion. Explore it for yourself, what it's like to have your partner in various attire. Check out wearing men's clothes. Have fun. Once you open the door, sometimes a little time is necessary to air things out. So, relax and give it some time, and more importantly, some love.

Miss Anthropic

10-02-2009, 12:32 AM

From a fellow GG- talk to him. Nothing can be helped until everyones cards are on the table. Try to avoid talking to him in public places about it until you know how he feels and remember to tell him you dont mind! ( if you truely dont) Let him know its ok and he would be more willing to share with you!

I'll add this to what my lovely GF said; don't push too hard too soon, sometimes the intrest can be taken as being accusatory, especially if he's feeling guilty or a state of denial.

If you're ok with the dressing and want to investigate all of this tell him, but if it seems to offend him, take a step back for a bit and revisit the subject later when he's in a better mood. The mood of both parties helps a lot, I know I'm much more open to talking when Levea is in a cheery mood.

Also, while there are some here who have no trouble accepting their own CD'ing, there are others of us who struggle with it a lot. Years ago I was severely depressed and to the point of suicide because of the guilt dressing gave me, I eventually got thru it but have dealt with it a lot lately due to not dressing for a while. It's been very tough for me even though my SO is totally loving and accepting.

You can only help someone who is willing to be helped, but I think making it known that you care and this isn't something that will drive you away goes a long way toward bringing on the self acceptance.

I wish you two the best of luck.

Tina2

10-02-2009, 12:33 AM

I never talked to anyone for 20 years about my crossdressing. Had a girlfriend confronted me, I would have likely clammed up. However, in retrospect I think a girlfriend helping get closer to self-acceptance would have been a good thing.

I'm not sure how to do that though.

It seems like he gave you a big hint about the body stockings. You could apologize for throwing it out and ask him again where it came from. If he gives you the same story, ask him if he wore it. If he says yes then offer to go buy him another one if he'll wear it for you. At that point see if you can get him to talk about it. Let him know you are okay with it. Don't laugh at him or tell him it is weird or creepy or anything.

I wish you, and him, luck.

Sarah5

10-02-2009, 12:56 AM

I think it is great that you would come here to seek others thoughts. Your BF is not at all alone in thi world of crossdressing as you can very well tell by the people here.

It is most definatly not an easy thing to open up about. For me I did with my wife when we were dating - something said she would be accepting and understanding. Talk with him about it and let him know if this is something he likes to do then you are ok with it and it would be even better if you share his feelings and needs.

I can tell you from experience that having a partner who allows you and accepts you for what you are is an incredible feeling of freedom and I commend you for taking the attitude you have on this subject.

As for looking at other men dressed. It most likely is not a sexual thing. I suspect he is looking to find others like him and from feelings of being alone...crossdressing is not something you talk about with the boys...lol. I know I have done it mostly to see how they look and get idea's etc.

Good luck and hope to see a post from you letting us know how things go. Embracing it can lea to wonderful experiences between partners. It has with my wife and I for over 17 years and I thank her for it!

Sarah

Satrana

10-02-2009, 01:17 AM

also, is it common for heterosexual men who are into crossdressing/lingerie to look at other men in lingerie online?

When you do approach him about this, do not use wording like the above - "looking at men in lingerie" that makes it sound gay which hetereo CDs usually fear they will be mistaken for. His interest is about how clothes help to feminize a male's appearance in order for them to express the feminine aspects of their personality.

CDs are very sensitive about how they are perceived, I suggest you spend some time on this site learning about the underlying motivations for crossdressing before you talk to your boyfriend to get the wording right to avoid him clamming up.

There is another alternative - he may just have a sexual fetish for stockings and uses CD sites for convenience. You will not know until you talk to him so keep an open mind and listen carefully to what he says.

Dana

10-02-2009, 01:43 AM

Crossdressers can be found in every clime and place ~ from every social-economic strata, every profession.

From a heterosexual perspective when I look at other cross dressers? Its from wanting to be such. Dress like such, wear such, experience such.

Experience femminity.

I guess it comes from the perception that women in Western society have it easier than men. In some ways they do? And in some ways they don't!

Its just a fact that women have options that men don't?

Ditto for women.

There's the White, the Black and then there's Gray.

I'm drawn toward femininity! I just am!

I love women!

I love femminity!

I love feminine women!

I'm just so drawn toward women and femminity?

angpai30

10-02-2009, 02:36 AM

Most crossdressers start out in the closet for the fear of others finding out. We then realize that being a closet freak is not what we want to be;we want more than that to aspire to being MEN who like to wear womens clothing. I personally have no attraction to the lingire, but I do love to wear dresses, they are so fun to wear. It sounds like your Boyfriend may be a little fearful of what you may truly think. I told my wife before we got married that I was a crossdresser and initially she said she was fine with that. I ended up having to put myself away for 3 1/2 years and I barely came back out again. I told my wife that it was a part of me and I wanted to do it and she said it was ok as long as the kids aren't around. I literally thought she would hate me for it because of what I like to do and starting up again; my initial thought was that she would be so angry she would want a divorce and kick me out of the house. I am lucky she did not want a divorce and doesn't want to kick me out of the house. Your boyfriend on the other hand may have some feelings of resentment, confusion or may have trust issues. I had the very same problem when I started and kind of still do, but I am learning that the more people you trust with it and start telling the truth about it, it all tends to fall in place and you feel much better about yourself and how things are going. This is why it may be a very sensetive subject for him and may take a while to muster up the courage to talk about it. I don't know what to say to him seeing I am pretty much going through the same process of letting it all out.

Love,
Hannah Babe

notsurewhattodo

10-02-2009, 02:58 AM

When you do approach him about this, do not use wording like the above - "looking at men in lingerie" that makes it sound gay which hetereo CDs usually fear they will be mistaken for. His interest is about how clothes help to feminize a male's appearance in order for them to express the feminine aspects of their personality.

CDs are very sensitive about how they are perceived, I suggest you spend some time on this site learning about the underlying motivations for crossdressing before you talk to your boyfriend to get the wording right to avoid him clamming up.

There is another alternative - he may just have a sexual fetish for stockings and uses CD sites for convenience. You will not know until you talk to him so keep an open mind and listen carefully to what he says.

i never thought of this before--he definetly does have a fetish for stockings so perhaps thats just a way for him to experience something else.

honestly, thank you to everyone who responded! would love to hear more. it's great to know there are so many helpful people out there.

i was out tonight and couldnt want to get back to check if anyone had posted anything..haha boy was i surprised! a lot of great advice. i'll keep you posted with what comes of this.

lisa marseau

10-02-2009, 04:43 AM

Find a good sale on whatever it is that you might think he is into. Leave it somewhere for HIM to find. When questioned about it tell him it was a good buy and that you think he might like it. Just don't go over the top with it. something subtle.

TJ Tresa

10-02-2009, 05:07 AM

My dear, it isn't an easy thing to do, confronting a CD about his Cding. I'm sure he is as nervous as you are. So I'll give you the same advise I would give him if it were he who was wanting to tell you, GO SLOW!! Let him know you are fine with it and set some ground rules. As for seeing other men wearing stockings and lingerie let me say that it is a way of us CDers to feel normal, that is seeing others doing the same things we like to do. So please don't read too much into it.

DAVIDA

10-02-2009, 05:51 AM

How about you suggesting he dress up for Halloween!
That is not accusing of anything, and you will break the ice on the subject.

erickka

10-02-2009, 06:09 AM

As for you both, I think that an open and totally honest line of communication will be your best bet. Judging by what you stated, you are a very open minded individual, and that will make matters a whole lot easier for him. I think that if you drop some subtle hints to him, he may open up to you, and once that is done, leave judgement aside, and really have a heart to heart. There are many heterosexual couples on this site that really enjoy their time together, both in private and in public. As it has been stated, this site is full of wonderful people from all over the world, and from all walks of life, who will be more than happy to help you both in any way they can. Good luck and keep us all posted.

Erickka

Jinny M

10-02-2009, 07:44 AM

If your ok with the idea of him dressing , I'd suggest buying him a new body stocking and stockings and any other items that you might think he'd like or what you would like to see him in. you could leave it in a gift bag for him and leave a note or card simply stating Sorry I doubted you and threw them away , Now you can have them from me , you could ad a p.s. saying "by the way Halloween is in a few weeks , how about dressing up for me" and simply leave it at that , see how he handles it , see if he what he reviels to you. It could very well open up the door for open communication for the 2 of you.

I wouldn't bring up that you went snooping on the computer and what you found. let him feel comfortable enough to talk to you about it on his own .. it's very hard for alot of us to deal with this, my wife knows and is very supportive , shops with me and for me and wants me to got out in public. she even wants me to go to school to be a cosmotoligyst , so I can do our , hair, make up and nails and set up a small salon in our addition, but i looked into it and schooling isn't cheap, but i'm not giving up on the idea , i have to look into it further, see how much grants will cover and how much i'll have to pay back

let me tell you even with all her support my male side still kicks in and then I go into a denial stage and put Jinny away , although i can never put her fully away. it's the fear of how others may view us and treat us and our loved ones once weve been outed. she is the only one who knows of Jinny.

The ball is in you court, if your accepting and you think it's something you can handle , I'd say suttlely let him know your ok with it and encourage it. the 2 of you will be able to have alot of fun with it, girls shopping trips, salons , night outs , girls night at home doing each others hair and make up and yet still having your man when you need him to be.

I wouldn't worry about him looking at other Gurls who dress up , it's mostly from my perspective ( like seeing and saying to yourself , see she pulls that look of nice , i can do it to ) like a confidence booster . it is tough in our world , wanting to dress and act like women , when most of the narrow minded society thinks it's wrong . I'm hetero , most of us are.

Also if you seen this site from him being on it and not knowing how often he visits , chances are he'll see your post ,, wont reconize your name/handle , but he will pick up on the part where you posted about finding the body stocking and stuff in the closet ,confronted him about it and threw it away.

So consider that also

Good Luck and wish the 2 of you well.
Jinny

CD202Leanne

10-02-2009, 08:22 AM

Hi Notsure,

What an awesome post ! ! If only my S/O would have reacted the way you are when she found out. :daydreaming:. First and foremost, keep in mind that all the responses to your post are only suggestions and ideas, as is my post as well. I would surmise that few of us here are “experts” per se, but simply cross dressers; with some at both ends of the "experience" spectrum, many somewhere in the between; some with very understanding and supportive S/O’s, others . . . . . Not so much. But we ARE here to try and help each other out. And I would take post #10 with a grain of salt. For many, it seems, dressing is not a “sexual thing” at all. Unless of course, he has professed to it being just that.

I like what Lisa M said in post #19, but instead of just leaving it out for your BF to find, what if you tried this: pick a night when you know you will have a few hours with no interruptions or distractions. Have a few adult beverages (if you both drink) to lighten the mood and set the stage. Talk . . . . . Freely. Bare your soul and pour your heart out. Suggest playing that little game where you tell him one of your biggest secrets that nobody else knows about, and have him tell you one of his. Yes, that is “fishing” and he may not take the bait. But remember, no accusations, and try not to push or crowd him. And be very careful with your facial expressions and tone of voice. If you’re a skilled at conversation, you will know how to make it flow. If he still won’t cop to it, consider asking him again about the stuff you found. If he opens a little, that could be your opportunity to give him “the gift”. But do it gently and with kindness. And be sure to remind him of how much you love him and that you accept him “as is”.

Don’t go to the pond expecting to land that elusive trophy-winning large mouth bass you’ve always dreamed of netting . . . . . You might only catch a measly little blue gill. But catching anything is better than catching nothing. And even a bad day fishing beats your best day of work, hands down. So if you come away empty-handed, make him aware that he can talk to you about anything, at any time, and if there’s something he ever wants to tell you . . . . .

Adding to what was said in post #20, don’t read anything into ANY of it. When I first started to take my dressing seriously, I scoured the ‘net and looked at MILLIONS of pictures, trying to figure out my style, what I like, what looks good on me, and basically trying to learn “how to be a cross dresser”. Chances are all of those pictures mean absolutely nothing.

sorry for getting long-winded, sometimes i have MORE THAN just :2c:

Leanne

Sandra

10-02-2009, 08:42 AM

You really need to talk to him and explain how you feel, he will probably be embarassed and scared but you need to reassure him.

Have a dress up sex date with him, on your suggestion. Explore it for yourself, what it's like to have your partner in various attire. Check out wearing men's clothes. Have fun. Once you open the door, sometimes a little time is necessary to air things out. So, relax and give it some time, and more importantly, some love.

Oh yeah good advice...NOT....they need to talk first not play games. :doh:

marisa

10-02-2009, 09:18 AM

i like the halloween idea as a way to start a conversation about his possible cd'ing. my biggest sujestion would be to stay calm and not push to hard. i know if i'm pushed to hard i push back even harder and then nothing is gained. be patient, you may very well get a bunch of " i'm not sure or i don't know" answers to your questions. he may very well have a good trust level with you on most things. but this subject will take time for him to fully trust you. it took me time to trust my g/f with this info, but it was well worth it. from my point of view, you and your b/f could have something special in your relationship. me and my g/f have gotten so much closer to each other since i had the talk with her. as for him looking at other people dressed in bra's and things, i won't really worry about it. i've done it to. it is a great way to research different looks and get ideas to try. thats why i love this site. there's almost always something that someone has tried and has posted a pic to show the results. just be supportive. let him know that your there to talk to when he's ready. let him know that your willing to help if you can. and lastly, be honest. let him know how you feel. like i said before, this will take time but in the end he'll be honest with you. sorry for the long post but i think i covered everything i wanted. welcome to the forum and don't be afraid to ask questions. we'll help if we can. huggs... marisa.

SheriM

10-02-2009, 09:32 AM

I think that you should buy him some nice panties and perhaps some pantyhose. He will likely be very excited that you are OK with something that he likes but is afraid to be open about. Let it happen from there.
Sheri

NicoleScott

10-02-2009, 10:04 AM

Married, and she didn't know yet. There was something on TV about crossdressing, and she made a comment, to which I said something like "harmless fun, nothing wrong with it". As the conversation progressed, I sensed she saw it that way, too. It seemed that both of us became comfortable with it, and when she asked if I had ever dressed up, I said yes I had. She asked if I enjoyed it and still wanted to dress up, and if so, DO IT!!
We kept talking about it, and I disclosed everything I like, and she was cool with it all, and encouraged me to buy things I wanted. I can now dress up at home, and she sometimes takes photos for me. She accepts, supports, and even encourages my crossdressing, even those aspects that are fetish-driven (high heels, deep red lipstick, heavy makeup, long & thick eyelashes).
So, consider using some kind of opening to explore his thoughts. It could be a TV report about a crossdresser, Halloween costume, pantyhose commercial, magazine article, etc.

Stephanie Michelle

10-02-2009, 10:33 AM

There is no right or wrong to your situation. Each one of us had an experience and can only tell you how we and our SO handed it. You are well past most of the SO's in that you are willing to explore and except this side of your BF. You know your BF we don't. Just be open and honest with him and let him tell you in his own time.

He also could be worried about your reaction because of his experience with his ex-wife. Good luck and if you ever need anybody to talk to we are all here.

Stephanie Michelle

mskanuchi

10-02-2009, 10:55 AM

Accept him for who he is, replace the things you threw out, buy him something you would like to see him in, just don't go overboard. You may find that you will have things about you, something he probably dosen't care for, he will accept also. Talking about deep feelings is a lot more productive. There are some excellent responses to this thread, my wife will get a lot from this, thanks for asking.

suchacutie

10-02-2009, 11:16 AM

Hi and welcome. I'm sure you already see that the number of possiblities of what your bf might be thinking is huge! So, let's analyze a bit.

What do we know:

We know he hasn't been comfortable enough to open up totally to you. This is pretty normal as most people Never open up about their deepest erotic/personal feelings. The fact that you are on the verge of this conversation is so very positive.

We know he is interested in lingerie. This could be fetish or this could be his subtle way of leading toward a discussion about his feminine self.

We don't know much more, i.e. is he CD or a fetishist? hetero or bi-curious?

Let me point out that there are many of us (me included) who are committed masculine beings, completely heterosexual, and completely driven to understand the feminine creature that lurks within us. It's scary to have been so masculine for a period of time and sudden find ourselves staring in a mirror to see a feminine being staring back at us! It's also scary socially, it's scary for family issues, it's scary for how you as his gf will respond, etc...and yet it cannot be denied. That's the point everyone is making that he may just clam up for a while, but his "she" will be back if you are patient.

So, what's the process. Besides saying only you can know, the more you understand the terribly complex dynamics involved in this very personal issue of his, the better you can approach it. If I were to approach it, I would try to separate out the big issues...hetero vs. bi, CD vs. fetishist.

So, how? You know him so you can probably tell when you might ask him to wear your stockings, or other pieces of lingerie...maybe when you are intimate. You might get him to talk about it in a particular moment. Letting him know you are interested, maybe even excited, interested in more, interested in knowing everything about him, sharing your own privacies...

It's a delicate road, but then again all interpersonal relationships are delicate. If he is a heterosexual CD, what you have in your bf is someone who will understand you like no male you've ever been with. We who want to understand our feminine selves will need help and will need to understand what we never learned growing up....how to be a girl! Bottom line, he really needs your help and I venture that he will repay that help with a loving that could easily last a lifetime!

stay in touch and all our best!

tina

Jill

10-02-2009, 11:24 AM

There's always a question of how he's going to take it if you talk to him if he denies it, lies about it or clams up but I think the body stocking incident is very telling. He told you that it had never been worn by a woman. If he absolutely did not want you to know about his dressing, he would have lied about it and told you that it belonged to an ex. I think that is a strong indicator of where he is at with it, I think it's safe for you to approach him with it.

As far as a lot of these suggestions to dress him up as if it were your idea or buy him things or do a Halloween thing, I thing, he may really like that. But I think that feedback is given from others who have that fantasy and wish their SO would do that for them which, in my opinion, doesn't necessarily mean is good advice.

Catherine in Colo

10-02-2009, 11:53 AM

Jill makes a great point. A lot of the advice you'll hear is based on what a lot of crossdressers might fantasize that their wife/girlfriend would do for them. As she says, that's not necessarily the best advice.

While the idea of you sharing your knowledge of his crossdressing by surprising him with some item of women's clothing might seem like a good one, I'm a firm follower of the belief that in the real world, the first step needs to be a mature conversation. Just opening up and talking about it will be a big step for both you and your boyfriend, so while a grand gesture might seem really supportive, it may also be overwhelming.

You're the only one who knows him though, so I'm sure you'll take it at whatever speed is comfortable for the two of you.

charlie

10-02-2009, 12:49 PM

Hello Not So Sure!
Talk to him and tell him that you know his secret. He admitted to having the body stocking and that "no woman ever wore it". If you have an open relationship he will tell you all. You both can grow and move from the crossdressing being a secret to it being known and being a part of him that you can accept, join or ignore. It will be an embarrassing subject for him though. He has probably hidden it from everyone for years and years. Good luck.

yvonne10

10-02-2009, 01:19 PM

you say you want to be honest with him then be honest and tell him what you think if you can handle it it could be great for the both of you.You could have fun with it
i wish my wife was right wit it of course she knows of my quirk she buyes me clothes but does not like me doing it .You could start by replacing the things that you threw out and make a gift of them telling him that you do'nt mind

sherri52

10-02-2009, 01:32 PM

Hi and welcome to the forum. You seem like an accepting person and I'm sure he would be glad that you do. Going through his pc might not be good, but he'll live with it. Tell him you know and would like to see him dressed. Compliment him on something. If you don't want to come out with it get him to go to a halloween party with you and him wearing reverse costumes (Sony and Cher), (Bonnie and Clyde), etc. with him being the girl. After the party tell him that you knew. In any case get it over with, the sooner it comes out the better. After you reply to 10 post you can join other forums where there might be more help for you.

jennifer easton

10-02-2009, 02:49 PM

I use to over do every thing just to keep that Macho status, you name it road rage, hunting, fishing, drinking, just to make sure no one would suspect I was girly and pink inside, after reading and listening to a lot of others here I find thats how a lot of us keep up the secret, now that I'm out to my SO she says I'm so much easer to get along with that she can tell when I'm not wearing a thong and bra just by my actions.
talk, listen,love him, just to know and not judge, will be such a relief, and ease so much tension, that your life together will only improve Jennifer

KayC

10-02-2009, 04:31 PM

Welcome to this forum! Try to let him know you are safe and comfortable to go to, let him know your views and that you're tolerant and understanding and open...maybe suggest for Halloween he dress as Bonnie and you dress as Clyde and help each other with it, you could have fun with it and it might make him more comfortable trying it out.

Also, you might try the approach..."You know those stockings I threw out...I thought they belonged to your ex and I didn't want anything around of hers...if I'd have thought they belonged to you I wouldn't have thrown them away, I'd like to buy some more for you."

Try to get your ten posts in and apply to the FAB section, it'd be a good place to post any questions you might have.

Sheila

10-02-2009, 04:58 PM

Hun you know your b/f better than any of us, you could say that you believe he may be a CDER and if he is then you are fine with exploring his fem side with him, but do be prepared for him to deny it out of guilt/embarrassment/shame.

Yes it is "normal" for some CDERs to look at other men in lingerie, it's a validation/visual thing, it does not mean he is "looking" at/for men

Ann Thomas

10-02-2009, 09:14 PM

I've not had time to read all the responses, so forgive me if I end up being redundant. I can relate to alot of what you are expressing about him.

I look at pictures alot myself, and of both men and women. I long to look good in things and like to see how they look on people like me, and on those I'd like to look like.

If he's the quiet type, which is sounds like he is, why don't you just say, 'Hey, want to go clothes shopping?' And see where it goes from there. (I'd be thrilled to go with my wife.)

I think he might have said, "It wasn't ever worn by a woman" for two reasons. First it probably wasn't. Second, he probably doesn't want to lose you by you thinking he's being in any way unfaithful. He might think a woman might percieve him as being so in some ways, because he's focusing on another woman, but it's the woman inside of himself. Some women feel that way and can't stand the 'competition' they feel. If he's been around women like that in the past he might feel that would be all women's reaction to it, but obviously it's not, given what you said about how you feel.

Really, your boyfriend has a great friend in you, a true gem.

Maybe to show him how supportive you are, ask him if he'd like to buy an item of clothing together that you can take turns wearing. It might just make him feel much more at peace with you and the relationship you have. Maybe it could be stockings? :)

Bless you!

Hugs,
Ann

Joni T

10-03-2009, 12:56 AM

It COULD be a lot worse. Look at the bright side...............he's not a robber, rapist or pedophile.

KayC

10-03-2009, 06:55 AM

Comparing your situation to someone who has it worse is usually of little value in reconciling it. That's like saying to the spouse of an alcoholic, "well at least he doesn't beat you!" Or to the person who just became a quadriplegic, "well at least you didn't die!" That's like trying to look on the bright side...negatively. When all is said and done, the person still has their situation to deal with.

joannemarie barker

10-03-2009, 09:26 AM

i think inside he will love that you know and can accept but on the outside it might be a while before he opens up :) i always trawl through the girls pics to see how well they are doing.cant blame me for fancying some of them though hehe :)

gracee

10-03-2009, 03:47 PM

Dunno... just a thought...

If you and he have a playful relationship, at least sometimes -- you know, laughing and joking and lightly touching -- and if you ever arrange to have "dates" at home -- make one of those for a Friday or Saturday night. Get two bags of stuff ready, one with the replacement hosiery and another with... a couple of dresses, bra, garter belt, actual nylons, panties, makeup etc. And get yourself a pair of male-looking pants and a flannel shirt.

After dinner (or whenever) come back into the room thus attired and carrying the first bag. Tell him that y'all are doing a dressup party -- and "Here's what I took from you; I want you to have it back." Hand him the bag. He WILL look inside... and turn several shades of crimson. Stay with him. "Honey, c'mon, let's have some fun!"

After he's into that stuff, haul out the second bag, dump it on the floor/sofa/bed and say, "Now I want you to get serious about having our fun! Let me do your makeup and we'll just see how you look."

Kid him along into it... Guys like to be kidded, but not teased. Get the tone right!

Hope that helps.

Catherine in Colo

10-03-2009, 04:51 PM

I'm sorry Joni, I think that's an unhealthy comparison to make. Saying "at least" he's not one of those truly awful things suggests that crossdressing is still bad, just not "as bad" as being a rapist. Would you say "he doesn't like milk, but at least he's not a rapist or a pedophile"?

He may be a crossdresser. Period. It's not a good thing or bad thing, it's just something he is. Not everyone accepts crossdressing, but comparisons like that are what allow the propogation of many negative stereotypes about crossdressers because it puts us in the same category as criminals.

Yvonne York

10-04-2009, 09:02 AM

Let himknow you know, and support him. My wife reintroduced me to going en-femme a few years ago. I have no idea how she knew, but she just told me to try one of her bras on one day. Since then we have been totally open about it, she buys me clothes, wse sleep together with me dressed, and have a great life. There is nothing better than having a supportive partner to a hetero cder, so well done AND BOTH OF YOU ENJOY IT.

Tasha McIntyre

10-05-2009, 11:00 AM

Hi Notsure,

Lots of great advice so far. I endorse talking things through with your b/f first, as you both have to be comfortable with him coming out of the closet so to speak before anything further.

What is great is that you took the time and made the effort to come here first.

Well done, good luck - please keep us updated on your progress

Tash :)

karen68

10-05-2009, 04:38 PM

JustAlex

10-06-2009, 02:21 PM

I can totally relate to your bf. I also have a fetish for female underwear. I crossdress but not as much as most of the members here. I'm very masculine, muscular and hairy so I'm not the kind that could pass as a female.
But I don't think that's the point of it. Most of my crossdressing is about feeling fine wearing female articles of clothing on a daily basis.

I think the idea of inviting him to wear is great. He may resist it at first but keep trying because it's what he wants. Maybe not all the way at first, he may not feel fine going that far. I wouldn't in his position. But exchanging underwear before going out (to exchange back later) or after sex is the kind of game I'd like and I think he will. But that may not work out if your sizes are not similar. You can help by buying something in a more ample style that he'll find comfortable.
Another thing he may like if he's a pantyhose fetishist is sex in pantyhose and a short nightie. If you like it, invite him to try it out. It's the touch of skin through the Lycra that makes the experience so special. Some like Nylon better. I don't. With all my body hair I get charged like a Tesla machine...
And going to sleep in a nightie and panties is guaranteed to make his day.

Now for the serious part. He will feel grateful that you accept him wearing panties and stuff and he's going to do it daily and openly. So if you take this road be prepare to live with that.
Also understand that he may or may not open up to you completely. I can tell you that this is not something that happened last week. He's been through a whole life of doing it or wanting to do it. Some of us (meaning me) want to keep that part in the vault.

About the pictures. I don't think it's a big deal. In times when I wasn't able to wear daily, I used to watch others on the web. Was it to satisfy my needs or just to turn me on? I can't say, maybe both. I also watch porn once in a while. I guess you have to accept the fact that, Cders or not, we're males and we're visually driven. As long as he goes home to eat, let him get hungry anywhere.

The other concern you have is if he's less of a man because he's looking at another men in a sexual way. What you have to ask yourself is if he fulfill your needs as a man now as he is, not only sexually but overall. If he does, he'll be the same man wearing silk panties or leather boxers. Nothing changes.

It's possible that he's bisexual or slightly bent over the other side. I'm almost positive about my own bisexuality even when I never ever had an homosexual experience, not even a skin contact. I can't be 100% sure and I'll never be (and I don't really care). I'm monogamous, I'm married and happy with it. Without that, I think I may give it a try. When I was young and uncommitted I was overcompensating my CDing by being the toughest guy in the hood and that probably kept me away from having an homosexual experience.

But, again, the real point is that if he really fulfill your needs for a man as he is now, opening up the closet to his fetishes, CDing or even bisexuality is not going to change what he is. Whatever he is, he is now. Letting his "monsters" walk out of the closet will release a lot of his anxiety.
And I can tell you that a man relaxed and anxiety free is 10 times a better lover. Well... I can't really tell you... but I had it from a reliable source.

Lee51964

10-07-2009, 10:03 AM

I would love for my S O to buy a simple pair of panties or nylons and place thme in my dresser for me to find
it would start a very interesting conversation

Sheila

10-07-2009, 10:17 AM

It COULD be a lot worse. Look at the bright side...............he's not a robber, rapist or pedophile.

and you know what, for a newbie finding out it could be a whole lot better, he could be a loving masculine millionaire who absolutely adores her ............ dang comparisons do no damn good at all either way do they ?.......... if you can't either empathize or offer some helpful comment then you should at least leave well alone :brolleyes:

tamarav

10-07-2009, 10:18 AM

Welcome to the forum!

Your concerns are certainly valid ones, but the fact that your significant other may be a CD is actually pretty lame when considered next to other potential possibilities. None of us are perfect and the fact that we hide our crossdressing from others really has a tendency to tear up families due to the lies and the withheld truth.

I told my prospective wife about 2 years before we married, 25 years ago. She accepted it then and has not appeared to let it get in our way. We raised our three kids, they are gone now, and I have dressed pretty much continually since. She was either involved or not, depending on how she felt at the time.

Now, I dress daily to work as a cosmetologist, do makeup, permanent makeup, hair, wigs and some transformation work for our sisters. She is always wanting to hear the stories from the salon and how some people react to me, etc. She benefits from all the MAC makeup she could ever use and can go out anytime she wants with either her husband or her "sister". We talk constantly to make sure the other is not impacting the life of the other and try to stay very in touch.

Talking and listening are the very best tools out there. This subject is so tough to talk about by some CDs that they can spend their entire lives not talking to anyone about it, which is very sad.

Have a great time and explore the potential that exists with your mate, this is so much better than some of the types of behaviors out there that you are actually lucky in my opinion.

Your new sis,

Tami

Sheila

10-07-2009, 11:09 AM

Have a great time and explore the potential that exists with your mate, this is so much better than some of the types of behaviors out there that you are actually lucky in my opinion.

Your new sis,

Tami

grrrrrrrrr why is this supposed to make a new GG feel better can someone please explain this to me, I have been here 4 years and still this type of idiotic comment drives me up the damned wall.

The original poster asked for help in how to approach her partner about this and about help to understand his looking at other males in lingerie she has already said it does not phase her, that she is open to the possibility he is a cross dresser , she says she is a pretty open person both sexually and in everyday life and she gets comments like above telling her she is lucky :brolleyes::brolleyes:

JulieC

10-07-2009, 11:32 AM

and you know what, for a newbie finding out it could be a whole lot better, he could be a loving masculine millionaire who absolutely adores her ............ dang comparisons do no damn good at all either way do they ?.......... if you can't either empathize or offer some helpful comment then you should at least leave well alone :brolleyes:

I think the comparison brings home the point that there are considerably worse things in this world than a significant other being a crossdresser. I fail to see any harm in highlighting this, and see considerable potential benefit.

Karen7cd

10-07-2009, 11:49 AM

Try helping him with his makeup. Let him serve you. If you handle this right the two of you can get closer. Crossdressing does not make you gay. I have been a cd for 42 years and have no wants for a man, I'm just a lesbian trapped in a mans body.

Catherine in Colo

10-07-2009, 09:17 PM

Try helping him with his makeup. Let him serve you.

I'm sorry, but how do responses like these have any bearing on the original post? Do we know that Notsurewhattodo's boyfriend either wants to wear makeup or be a maid?

Sheila, as you probably gathered from my previous post, I totally agree with your post. "It could be worse" comments have no place in a thread like this.

Notsurewhattodo said she was "pretty fine with" the prospect of her boyfriend's crossdressing. As such, there is no need to make comments like "well at least he's not an ax murderer" (to paraphrase). I can understand making those comments to a gg who thinks her SO is the antichrist because he wants to wear a skirt now and then, but Notsurewhattodo came here with some real perspective on the issue from the start.

I'm somewhat new to posting a lot on the boards, but I'm rather disappointed that so many of the posts don't even relate to her situation. They either suggest that crossdressing is some sort of lesser crime (but still a crime), or they present solutions that come from the poster's fantasies about their own situation, having no bearing on Notsurewhattodo's situation. Comments like those make me afraid that she'll leave here with a worse impression of our community than before she posted.

Being cd/tg/ts is by its nature a pretty selfish journey, and there is nothing wrong with that. But I fear that we're making this thread more about us than about Notsurewhattodo, and that bothers me.

..steps off soap box

10-07-2009, 09:37 PM

hi welcome,

i feel you should just talk to him no games just talk he may deny it out of guilt or embarrassment and shame but don't be judgmental all the best

TorieGG

10-07-2009, 11:38 PM

Sheila you are so wise! As a newbie myself I didn't feel "lucky" in any way, shape or form. I wanted to let notsurewhattodo know that I felt sooo guilty at first because I had a hard time accepting my husband's crossdressing. I had always thought I was pretty open minded but it's different when it's in MY house and MY bedroom. As Sheila mentioned, take it slow and give yourself time to absorb all that goes with it. I'm still working out my feelings weeks later and I probably will for some time to come. Allow yourself the time and ask the questions you have openly and honestly-I found that was the best way to find things out.

KayC

10-08-2009, 02:05 PM

Beachmama, couldn't say it better myself! And I also think comparisons are ridiculous and futile, let's stick to the issue (which isn't what there "could" be).

Aleca

10-08-2009, 03:01 PM

A lot of crossdressers are very masculine but I heard years ago from many transgender and crossdressing people that acting macho and tough is there way of hiding/ escaping from their true feelings. I'ves heard a lot of them have been in the military, law enforcement or were involved in team sports, again it's a way CD and transpeople try to escape from dealing with their problem.

Ras

10-08-2009, 04:06 PM

If you are truely ok with his dressing, let him know you are fine with it. And when he is ready to share more with you, you are ready to listen, learn and participate with him so you both can do it together. You must also figure out what avenues his dressing may take and to what extend he wishes to dress.

What will be acceptable to you? Can you handle him dressed up? Do you want to go out with him dressed provided he is somewhat passable?

You sound very open and accepting of and actually a bit intrigued by it as well. This is all good signs for both of you. Just don't get too pushy and let him come out more to you when he is ready. Maybe you may want to buy him some things to wear and lay them on the bed to open up the conversations between you.

Keep us posted and feel free to ask what ever you need to help you understand better

Rebecca

DemonicDaughter

10-08-2009, 05:25 PM

First, welcome to the forums, I hope you learn a great deal from the people here who are extremely helpful and caring.

Second, I congratulate you on trying to find out more about your partner's passion. That's a step in the right direction. :)

Thirdly, like anything, its a learning process that the two of you need to go through together. Ask a ton of questions, voice every fear and reassure them and yourself how you feel.

And if you ever need an ear to rant to, many of us on here can easily accommodate you.

NOW...

For the people who keep going on about "there are worse things" or "at least he's not a [fill in the blank]"... you don't know her partner. You don't know anything but what the original posts states.

Making comparisons to deviant behavior is irrelevant because not only do you NOT know the individual well enough to say they are or aren't anything, you are also implying its "bad" behavior but not "as bad" as your comparison.

You want to ENCOURAGE people, NOT discourage them by implying statements of "well yes, its bad but not as bad as him being an abusive partner". Because not only have you presumed to know the partner is not abusive but you've also let the GG know that you view this as wrong. Nice...

AmiFL

10-11-2009, 03:16 AM

He is very lucky you are willing to talk to him about his interests. My wife was totally the opposite. When she found it she closed the door on any conversation about my dressing.

You are open minded enough to come here and share your thoughts. Why not invite him to join you on the site and read the posts and look at the pictures together.

I enjoy looking at all of the other members of this site. It amazes me how fabulous some of the men look as woman, and it is a bit of a turn-on. Not because I am gay, but because I wish I could look that good. I wish I could get my wife to join me and discover that different is not bad.

Let me know what happens, I think you will both enjoy it.

mklinden2010

10-11-2009, 06:05 AM

Krissie1962

10-11-2009, 09:08 AM

If you are ok so far ,you can have a realy great time.you are sure your bf likes to wear comfy things.pick out a couple things new that feel good to you and get them in "her" size.leave them in a place ,bathroom and a note saying come to bed and play with me. nobody needs to know what you do in your space.the issue is trust.weather ok or not,its trust of silence out side the space.:2c:

JiveTurkeyOnRye

10-11-2009, 11:10 AM

People crossdress. There is no harm in it.

But, golfers... Now, there's harm! All those pesticides going into the rivers and steams and all that water and fuel wasted on useless short grass. And, the wasted space! Great parkland tied up for "a game" most people can't afford to play. At least not at the really good places...
.

Wait a minute though, I bet some of my women's clothes were sewn by some kid in a sweatshop somewhere in Thailand... so uh oh...

DemonicDaughter

10-11-2009, 11:38 AM

DD,

Offering that someone is, "At least not an ax-murderer" is not saying someone should accept someone crossdressing because, "It's not as deviant as..." It's arguing a position is ridiculous by making an absurd statement to highlight how silly someone's position on a matter, such as crossdressing, is...

You realize that, despite how you might have meant it, you just made it sound as if a partner's concern about crossdressing is ridiculous.

Don't worry about the fact that someone lied to you for years, at least he didn't kill anyone!

Don't mind that he's had to hide money from you, at least he doesn't rob people!

Look how ridiculous it is for you to be upset when he could be SO much worse!

That's not a good way to console someone who is hurting. And its not a good way for couples to deal with issues. Saying someone should be happy their partner isn't something worse DOESN'T help the current issue.

Then why not console the family of rapists with phrases like "well at least he's not a murderer". Too harsh for you? Okay how about consoling someone whose partner dumped them by saying "well even though he cheated, at least he didn't rob you."

When you are in pain and feel betrayed by your partner or worse, feel you don't even KNOW them, saying something like that doesn't help. As a matter of fact, being that person feels they truly don't know their own partner at the moment, I'm sure a reaction to that statement wouldn't be far from, "how the hell would I know if he was or wasn't an ax murderer when he's had this entire secret life?!"

Though I might understand how it seems a harmless statement to many on here, it doesn't HELP and that's what we are trying to do. Help one partner understand, not feel grateful her partner doesn't beat her instead.

It's perfectly alright to compare ax-murdering to crossdressing when your point is that crossdressing is completley harmless, or, so harmless that making harsh judgements and taking rash actions is completely uncalled for.

For a lot of people, crossdressing is NOT completely harmless. I might be a very accepting person and feel personally that crossdressing isn't "wrong" but that doesn't mean its harmless. Least of all when I read on a nearly daily basis the pain and anguish many CDers and their partners go through. Reading about the lies and deceit, the money missing, the secrets the silence, the lack of intimacy and all the other various things that some activities involved with being TG can lead to.

I highly doubt that many would say CDing is completely harmless. It, like all things, has its good and bad points. And just like anything else, done in extremes is quite harmful indeed.

After all, if I ax-murdered someone just once (Just once!), they're dead forever. On the other hand, if I crossdressed once, twice, a thousand times - no one died, and, you know what? Nothing of great consequence at all really happened.

Unless your partner didn't know about it and felt you had an entire secret life without them. If they felt utterly betrayed that the person they loved would keep something so personal from them. I would consider that a great consequence.

At least he's not a golfer.

I'm pretty sure many partners might prefer a golfer over a crossdresser.

ggtracy

10-11-2009, 01:45 PM

Crossdressing is completely harmless? :eek:

I agree with DD. We see people on here everyday hurting, both CDers and their partners. In fact, the whole point of the initial posters thread was that she was hurting, to tell her she is just being silly is not supportive at all.

Sheila

10-11-2009, 02:16 PM

So, he crossdresses?

At least he's not a golfer.

My Ex was both ............... double crapper for me then :straightface:

comparisions have been made in this thread to her partner not being a rapist, or robber ................ guess what ......... some GG's feel that is exactly what CDers are when we first discover ............... okay maybe you don't do it physically but you sure as hell do it emotionally and mentally to both some of us and the relationship we thought we had .... so yes you rape and rob our security from us .................. we bought into the dream life we thought we were working toward, then wham you rape our inner peace with the knowledge that you are not the person we thought you were (note I said person not man), you raped our security, you robbed our source of comfort and loving caring arms from us by being unable to turn to friend and family for help when we are unsure ............. and right now you are the last damn person in the world we feel like trusting ................ remember we have just found out you lied to us for X amount of years ........... so go ahead compare yourselves to rapists and robbers ................ sometime the comparison is very bloody close to how we feel in the beginning ............. now I am not saying all, and I am not saying that it lasts for ever, but it does feel for some of us when we first find out after not knowing that we have been raped and robbed

madison lee

10-11-2009, 03:17 PM

DD makes a very good point. I know that the persons saying these things are trying in their own way to say its ok to be a Crossdresser, and it is, but saying at least he's/she's not an axe murder is not a reassuring statement. I can assure you that when I told my wife that I was a crossdresser the first words out of her mouth wasn't " Well thank god your not an axe murderer"! I am lucky in that my wife is very open minded and accepting of other lifestyles. Like a lot of CD'ers on here I purged the stuff I had before I got married, thinking the urge and desire would go away. It didnt, to state the obvious. But in the 5 years we have been married I have not bought anything, my wife had a lot of stuff that she didnt wear because it didnt fit her or she was bored with it and it ended up in boxes in the closet. So I had plenty of things to dress up in without having to buy stuff. Still didn't make it right in not telling her. But the point is this. Crossdressing is NOT a bad thing in and of itself. But saying that it doesnt really hurt any one is not a true statement. These people need to read some of the threads I have read about SO's leaving, divorcing, and all of the rest. Now a lot of relationships end not BECAUSE of the CD'ng, but it is a PART of the reason. For some its just the last straw on a stack that is already teetering on the edge. But I would say to listen to what Tamara Croft, DemonicDaughter, Beachmama and those ladies that are offering good advice and not stupid comparisons. From what I have seen and read they are very knowledgeable and understanding and are extremely intelligent. I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but I do know good advice when I see it or hear it. And they usually have some good advice and insights.
In the end its all up to you notsurewhattodo on how you want to handle this.

ReineD

10-11-2009, 05:20 PM

I'm somewhat new to posting a lot on the boards, but I'm rather disappointed that so many of the posts don't even relate to her situation. They either suggest that crossdressing is some sort of lesser crime (but still a crime), or they present solutions that come from the poster's fantasies about their own situation, having no bearing on Notsurewhattodo's situation. Comments like those make me afraid that she'll leave here with a worse impression of our community than before she posted.

:iagree: My thoughts exactly.

Getting back to the OP and I'm asking subsequent posters to do the same ... honesty is the best policy.

You clearly are open to the possibilities and this will shine through when you speak to your bf. Your attitude will help allay his fears. Don't know if you've read many threads here yet, but coming out for the first time to a girlfriend is beyond frightening for a CD. It may be difficult for him to talk to you about this, so choosing a time when you are cuddling together might be good. You might want to have some lingerie catalogues handy that you could look through together afterwards and talk about what might look good on you .... and on him. :)

Don't push too hard though. It might take him awhile to get out of his shell. But if you continue to be loving and supportive as you are now, eventually your reassurance will draw him out.

And yes, many TGs look at CD pics (they want to know how to pull it off), or gay porn and it doesn't mean they are gay. It is just another way to play out the fantasy of being femme or wearing femme things.

Please do come back and let us know how it is going, so we can hopefully continue to address our responses to you!
:love:

tinalynn

10-12-2009, 01:25 PM

For the OP... Since you already know he has a fetish for stockings and (apparently) haven't found anything else (skirts, etc), the items are probably used to satisfy his fetish. I've done the same thing - I love the look and feel of stockings and started wearing them to satisfy my own feelings. It grew on me, it may or not with him. The bigger issue is how to bring it up with him. When my then-GF found me out and confronted me, I denied it for hours (actually, probably only 5 minutes, but it felt like forever!). I'm sure he'll do the same - its embarrassing and he won't be able to explain why he likes it. So expect that, and expect him not to feel comfy discussing it with you right away. He'll need some time to process his 'outing' but will come around. When he does come around you'll probably get tired of him wanting to talk about it...

Anyway, good luck to you both.