Recurrent theme

[Lorileah]

Maybe it is because I took time away from this section and now for some reason I'm back, but I have noticed something. Why is it that when confronted by (SO's, parents) most people make up an excuse? Like one post where they poster was asked "do you enjoy wearing women's clothes" they answered, "just playing around". Not a good answer and very transparent for sure. Is telling a lie or half truth better than just saying what it is? Do you feel that you get away with something, the weight lifted and you can go on with life and no cares?

Some of the replies here actually support these types of lies. Carry a bag? Tell your friends it is a "tote". Get caught with nail polish? "My (wife, sister, daughter, alien abductor) made me do it".

When you do this you have to remember two things; what you said and what you didn't say.

I have to admit I am a fan of omission. If it doesn't come up, don't bring it up if you don't want that person to know. But I don't understand the see through lies that some people throw out?

So tell me why?

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Lorileah

Our secret is not something most of us are ready to tell the world so a lie can be easier

I would suggest some of those will be believed if it happens once but not if there are more clues lying around

Its like sometimes we give people various part of a jigsaw puzzle but only when the get the last piece does it give them the whole picture

[Karren H]

From my own personal experience its better to be a cheater or a lier or a thief than a pervert!

[Lorileah]

From my own personal experience its better to be a cheater or a lier or a thief than a pervert!

I have been three of the four above. Pervert is more fun and I can sleep at night :)

[Sheila]

from my own personal experience its better to be a cheater or a lier or a thief than a pervert!


pervert!

this has to do with the original question how ???????????

[Lorileah]

this has to do with the original question how ???????????

Karren's point ( I assume) is that we are labeled perverts and lesser of the evils is lying. But I have found that when confronted I have a lot more fun saying "yeah so what?"

The thing is as long as CD's keep making up stories they will never be accepted. Saying "I won't do that again" to your SO while you are standing there thinking about how good it felt, does not work. Telling your friends your wife "Made" you do something makes you look foolish and doesn't make your wife look too good either. Things grow better in the sunshine than they do in the dark...well except mushrooms. You don't have to stand on the roof and shout "I like satin! (I hope I spelled that correctly or we will get into theology here) but when you are asked "do you like women's clothes?" how does a lie make it "better".

[Karren H]

this has to do with the original question how ???????????

Well I have in my distant past admitted to looking for money in someones lingerie drawr to my mother rather than admitted to crossdressing... Which I then considered to be perverted.. That's why I lied.. And that's the truth as I saw it at the time...

[meri]

In a single word "courage". Don't mean to be harsh, but most guys when confronted with anything that smacks of the feminine are chickens. I include myself in this assessment (takes on to know one!).

However, I have decided to take it on as a challenge and have been doing a better job at fessing up -- usually I simply say "because I like ...it..." whatever the object in question is.

[Fab Karen]

You don't have to stand on the roof and shout "I like satin! (I hope I spelled that correctly

Hail satin!:D

[Jenny Chen]

Maybe it is because I took time away from this section and now for some reason I'm back, but I have noticed something. Why is it that when confronted by (SO's, parents) most people make up an excuse? Like one post where they poster was asked "do you enjoy wearing women's clothes" they answered, "just playing around". Not a good answer and very transparent for sure. Is telling a lie or half truth better than just saying what it is? Do you feel that you get away with something, the weight lifted and you can go on with life and no cares?

Some of the replies here actually support these types of lies. Carry a bag? Tell your friends it is a "tote". Get caught with nail polish? "My (wife, sister, daughter, alien abductor) made me do it".

When you do this you have to remember two things; what you said and what you didn't say.

I have to admit I am a fan of omission. If it doesn't come up, don't bring it up if you don't want that person to know. But I don't understand the see through lies that some people throw out?

So tell me why?

Well the way i look at it is this way. Everyone grow up in a different family, everyone have different values. Therefore the reaction u will receive are different from family/person to family/person.

I don't know about your family, but in mine if i so dare to say i like wearing girly clothes or i want to be a girl, my dad would of beat the living be Jesus out of me faster than i can say uncle.

So you see some time one lie to protect them self from harm, and some times one lie to protect others. We can not always predict what others reaction will be when we tell the truth, and guess what when it come down to it "truth hurts".

So when it come to things like this one must take in to consideration of the feeling of the people involved, and so when one is ready, or think their love once are ready one can tell the truth without the need to be pushed.

Therefore there is nothing "wrong" with lying about dressing, we don't know their circumstances. We as outsiders have no need to, nor have the right to judge, all we can do is help and support each other.

Humanity is cruel; insofar as to completely reject and segregate one that is different, in some extreme cases even your own family would do the same to save face. So before asking "why some one would lie about dressing", the better action would be to ask your self "why would one need to lie", and from there take in to consideration of the situation the said person is in.

Though with that said i also do not agreed with lying, but i do not frown upon it. Lying is wrong, but it is necessary in our rotten society. Maybe one day our society will to learn to embrace and accept people for who they are, but until than we need to protect out self from the masses.

[Lorileah]

I don't know about your family, but in mine if i so dare to say i like wearing girly clothes or i want to be a girl, my dad would of beat the living be Jesus out of me faster than i can say uncle.

So you see some time one lie to protect them self from harm, and some times one lie to protect others. We can not always predict what others reaction will be when we tell the truth, and guess what when it come down to it "truth hurts".
therein lies another problem, violence for a non-violent "offense". But as you say that's your background. So what about non-family members?


So when it come to things like this one must take in to consideration of the feeling of the people involved, and so when one is ready, or think their love once are ready one can tell the truth without the need to be pushed.
Lying does not hurt feelings?


Therefore there is nothing "wrong" with lying about dressing, we don't know their circumstances. We as outsiders have no need to, nor have the right to judge, all we can do is help and support each other.

So by extension, some lies are OK? As you say later it isn't but a part of society. Where is that line?

Thanks for your input Camy. Your point is well taken and I am sure that it strikes a chord with many here.

[Deborah Jane]

Actually there is a time that is perfectly acceptable to lie!

But first you need to become a politician!!!!

[Jenny Chen]

therein lies another problem, violence for a non-violent "offense". But as you say that's your background. So what about non-family members?

Lying does not hurt feelings?



So by extension, some lies are OK? As you say later it isn't but a part of society. Where is that line?

Thanks for your input JCamy. Your point is well taken and I am sure that it strikes a chord with many here.

You trying to look at this the black and white way, the truth is there is no such thing as black and white, and there is no such thing ad good and evil.

There really only is socially accepted and everything else, and with that every society is different and so is whats is socially acceptable.

And like i say, i never said lying was okay, quoting out of context dose not prove anything. Like i said in the last sentence, "Lying is wrong, but it is necessary in our rotten society." And i stand by that. You can be a moral Compass all you like, but realize this by doing so your hurting others. Your taking it as if the lie does not hurt the person telling the lie. Fact being yes the lie does hurt, and it hurts both parties.

The point of telling a lie to to mitigate damage in a unacceptably ignorant society, cause everyone have priorities, they have thing they are trying to protect in their life. So some times telling the truth would hurt more than telling a white lie.

e.g. a married Couple with a wife that does not accepting of CD.

In this case one may want to protect the marriage, and one may have to lie to do so, and in this case a "white lie" is acceptable. The lie will most likely hurt the CD the most, but he/she prioritize family over self gratification which i completely understand.

So where to drawn the line? What line? Absolute moral dose not exist, and moral in it self is relative to the individual. so trying to drawn a universal line that governs all is like trying to create a language that even animals can understand, it just doesn't work.

So in conclusion all you can do is take each individual cases as they are, singular events that is independent from Morality. By doing so it allows us to judge each case from a third person none bias point of view and hopefully see the bigger picture.

[Sarah Michelle]

As was noted as a suggestion by others; I lie because I fear the reaction to the truth. I am a coward when it comes to direct confrontation. The question then becomes; why do I do things that I have to lie about?

[Miranda09]

I guess the way I look at this is that if I don't want anyone to know about my CDing, I don't put up any signs that say..."Hey world, I'm a CDer!" If I do that, then I must want the world to know. If I want the world to know, and somewhat asks, I would likely say.."Yes..so what!" The fact that I don't advertise means it's my business and no one elses. As for those who get "caught" and are asked, well, how they respond is a function of our societies position and mores on sex roles. Just black or white....no grey areas are allowed, tho some do obviuosly exist. Until society as a whole changes their puritan, Victorian, attitude toward sex and sex roles, the lies will persist.

[Jenny Chen]

I guess the way I look at this is that if I don't want anyone to know about my CDing, I don't put up any signs that say..."Hey world, I'm a CDer!" If I do that, then I must want the world to know. If I want the world to know, and somewhat asks, I would likely say.."Yes..so what!" The fact that I don't advertise means it's my business and no one elses. As for those who get "caught" and are asked, well, how they respond is a function of our societies position and mores on sex roles. Just black or white....no grey areas are allowed, tho some do obviuosly exist. Until society as a whole changes their puritan, Victorian, attitude toward sex and sex roles, the lies will persist.

To a certain extant parts of Europe and Asian, especially Korea, Japan, parts of India and Thailand have pretty much openly accepted GBLT community as the norm. North America as a whole is lagging behind quite a bit.

[TSchapes]

I was just at work showing some pictures of myself (and others) from the Southern Comfort Conference. It is liberating and it was fun and I have no problem with anyone knowing about it. It was all received very well (in fact some were upset that I hadn't shown them the printed pictures).

Maybe I'm the only one living in the future, I don't know, but it sure feels good instead of lying and making up stupid stories.

You have more control of your own future than you know.

-Tracy

[angpai30]

I do not believe that lying is ok because the real truth that lies behind each lie, lies the guilt of the truth being found out and normally ruins relationships because in the end the friend or family member feels deceived that you kept this secret from them and never told them. To many times have I read on relationships and the first thing said is that the wife, friend, family member or whoever it is felt deceived because they lied to them by not telling them that they liked to crossdress. I told my wife when we first got married that I liked to crossdress and she initially said that she was ok with it, but then turned around and decided against it. I hid myself for 3 1/2 years because of it and I just barely came out again. I told her that it was building inside of me so much that it finally exploded. I then told her that this is who I built myself into and this is WHO I AM. I do agree on the basis of covering up ones secrets in the event of protecting ones self against violence, but then to what degree are we telling the truth to those whom love us and have no violent intentions? In order to be true to ourselves we have to be true to the others around us as well. It's like happiness; you are not truly happy until you have made another happy first, which, I have experienced as a truth a lot as of recently. The feeling of guilt still resides, but I have let it out of the bag and I feel so much better to the point where I feel like I can finally accomplish something in life and be happy.

[KayC]

Lorileah,
I agree, there's a big difference between not opening a can of worms (bringing up too much unnecessarily) and the sin of omission. In the latter, it is a lie by presenting something to be different than it actually is. We humans are masters at justification and fooling ourselves! It'd be great, though, if we could live in a society by which we'd be made to feel SAFE to be transparent at all times...but alas, as long as we have to interact with humans, that's not likely to happen. It SHOULD be different, however, with our SO, we should be able to be comfortable enough with them to let them know our real self.

[Jess81CD]

I've lied for a couple of reasons.

Firstly as others have said i didn't want to be labelled a pervert. Sometimes i don't fully understand the way i feel about dressing so it's easier to shrug it off than to self analyse.

Another reason has been to protect the girlfriend who found out. I don't necessarily want to become a female but do wish i had the ability to switch between the two. She said once she dreaded the idea that one day i would stop and say "i want to be a woman" so i played it down to reassure her.

[mklinden2010]

>>Why is it that when confronted by (SO's, parents) most people make up an excuse?


Because, I think, most people are gutless, and gutless because they really don't know all the answers about themselves and their situation to firmly answer the question exactly as asked, nor do they have the wit or good luck to answer the part of the question they are comfortable with.

For example, someone asks, "Er, I've been noticing "x" about you. Is there something you'd like to tell me?"

I got this question in the middle of a conversation, years ago, and what do you think I said?

Did I say, "Oh, I crossdress!"?

Did I say, "Uh, I might be gay..."?

Did I say, "No, no, nothing. Nothing at all."

Here's the thing... I wasn't asked if I crossdressed, was gay, or, anything else.

I was asked: "Is there something you'd like to tell me?"

My answer?

"Not right now."

Honest answer. And, they could make of it what they wished. And, I could reference that response later with, "You know that time you asked...?"

That's just one example. But, I believe the majority of the questions that come up don't get answered directly, or, at all, because the person being asked doesn't KNOW the answer, or, answers, well enough to have the confidence to answer and stand upon their answer.

Years ago, I was better at ignoring, going around, deflecting questions. Now, as others have posted, I just answer as lazily and anyone else asked about where they parked:

"Yeah, nail polish. You know, you only rent nail polish. You always have to scape one layer off and put on another. What a rip! You think they'd come up with nail ta-tooing or something."

It was sad, by the way, to read of someone being worried of being beat up by their Dad for CDing. My father could have done that - he was a big guy - but you have to learn to manage people. "Dad, I'm your son. Beating on me is going to hurt both of us, right?"

It's an entirely different, yet related topic. You don't have to "confront" someone about what you do, or, "get caught" for what you do. You have the right to be, and to be let be - but you do have to guard and maintain that right. With that in mind, you can think ahead about how to manage situations and get some or all of what you want. Family, after all, is just practice for other people you'll deal with later.

As for lying... It's a sharp tool with a thin handle. Use it knowing that it will cut you and them - both a little now and both probably more later. Better to tell some version of the truth than any outright lie.

[Miranda09]

To a certain extant parts of Europe and Asian, especially Korea, Japan, parts of India and Thailand have pretty much openly accepted GBLT community as the norm. North America as a whole is lagging behind quite a bit.

Yes. It always seems like the US lags behind in issues such as this. Our time will come...eventually. :)

[Olivia]

Hail satin!:D

Hell yes!!
O

[sherri52]

In the past i have been caught by a co-worker with clear nail polish on. I told them I didn't, that my nail actually shined like that. Now I just admit that I like the clothes or make up. I would rather be a little different than everyone else than be a liar.

[Lorileah]

Yeah Katie, we also have the 4th estate who can take that silence and make it way more than it was to start with. :)

[AKAMichelle]

Over the past year I have finally found my backbone. I still hide who I am from clients, but family no. My family doesn't accept me for who I am, but I deal with it because I am no longer hiding myself. If they can't handle it then too bad. I will continue to respect their wishes by not bringing it up, but the damage in my marriage is probably irreversible. You can't shut off part of yourself to your spouse and expect your marriage to be good.

I lied so many times about being a crossdresser that I lost count years ago. I did it to protect myself from ridicule or being called a pervert. In the end they thought it anyway. My wife catching me in her clothes and my denial only allowed my story to be told to her family. I thought it ended with her aunt, only to find out last year that almost everybody in the family knew. So why was I hiding everything if everyone already knew. Everyone knows about my uncles foot fetish and now they know about my crossdressing. Big deal. For 20 years I never knew how many knew.

Something happens though when you quit worrying about what others think of you. It is very liberating. You are finally able to be yourself and you ultimately will be much happier because of it. You look at how many of us hide in the closet for years until we just about lose it. Then all of a sudden we venture out only to find that world is not as scary as we thought. It's plenty scary, but we can move around in society and function without too many problems.

That's why I would love to be in front of a seminar speaking one day and talk in the morning session in drab. Then the afternoon session is done as Michelle.

P.S. I think we lie mostly because we don't accept ourselves. If we think we are perverts then we must be. We must accept ourselves in order for others to accept us. Be comfortable in your skin and in your clothes.

Signed,

An EX pervert

[Samantha B L]

I've been caught a few times and I realize this is male to female crossdressing that we're talking about and that feminity is supposed to be a genteel quality but it's macho of me in that it p----- me off really royally that my business was being interfered with and haven't these people who've caught me(people in the neighborhood,freinds,relatives)ever heard of crossdressers and transvestites. Jeez,what a bunch of hicks! So when that happened to me a few times years back I really had to muster my patence and my reactions and just tell 'em that it's none of their business. I didn't lie either but I did tell 'em it's none of your d--- business. I have on ocaision told morbidly curious busybodies that we can talk more about all this if you have a personal interest and curiousity about crossdressing. Frankly my first impulse at getting caught or found out is to get super p,o.'d.. These are just some ways I've developed to deal with this sort of thing(and also my temper).
And I've told people a couple of times "call me Samantha if you want to"

[Josie M]

In the past i have been caught by a co-worker with clear nail polish on. I told them I didn't, that my nail actually shined like that. Now I just admit that I like the clothes or make up. I would rather be a little different than everyone else than be a liar.

I remember once on Donahue, he had a bunch of crossdressers on the show and one of the audience members - very business like looking guy - indicated that he had his nails professionally manicured at a salon and mused outloud if that made him gay.

I was just a kid at the time, but even then I couldn't help but think, "Dude, if you are so insecure about getting a manicure that you need validation from the crossdresser, then you should probably just do your own nails and not stress out so much" :heehee:

Me? I'll take something that keeps me from biting my nails:straightface:

[AlannahNorth]

A lot of the response I give has to do with the person I am dealing with at the time. Presently I'm single and hence live alone, but often during the work week I stay in another city with friends. My preferences for CDing will NOT go over well there.

I have different categories of friends, and they are all part of my life. I understand that there are politics, and I understand that there are social barriers. I play them when I must. The day I become (suddenly?) financially independent of it all, I'll probably drop some facades, but until then I will protect myself, my income, and my reputation.

Not a perfect world, but I'm not the architect.

[Josie M]

A lot of the response I give has to do with the person I am dealing with at the time. Presently I'm single and hence live alone, but often during the work week I stay in another city with friends. My preferences for CDing will NOT go over well there.

I have different categories of friends, and they are all part of my life. I understand that there are politics, and I understand that there are social barriers. I play them when I must. The day I become (suddenly?) financially independent of it all, I'll probably drop some facades, but until then I will protect myself, my income, and my reputation.

Not a perfect world, but I'm not the architect.

Understand, even beyond crossdressing, I maintain different persona in different situations. Not that I have I have any insecurities, I just recognize that not everything about me works everywhere. I tend to be a bit eccentric and hang out with eccentric types....but in the office, you'd never know it...

I like to think of myself as a High-Functioning Schizophrenic....