Came home and all my clothes are gone

[wendy68]

Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. shes known about my CDing for over two years now. She just told me after i found my room ran sacked with hangers laying all over that she doesnt want it in the house no more. She added that she has decided that she will nver accept that part of my life but that she still loves me. Im so depressed. She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy:sad:

[Lorileah]

Sorry to hear that Wendy. It is sad when one partner takes it upon themselves to be the police and dictator in a relationship(works both ways). Love doesn't demand anything. Love tries to work with what they have to get an acceptable result for both parties. There must have been something that triggered this. Maybe you can work back and try and understand why she would be this way. Lord Tennyson said

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -
Love should be a two way street.

[Sheila]

Wendy I am so sorry that your wife did this to you, regardless of whether or not she could accept your Cding, she had no right to do that (and yes I am a GG)

I hope that you can both now sit down and talk about this calmly and rationally with each other .......... if it will help in anyway at all then you can pm me for my yahoo or msn addy if she would be willing to talk to another female about this ............ you can tell her I have had one failed relationship with a CDER and am now involved with another if it will help in any way at all

:hugs: hun

[christinek]

I agree with Lorileagh

This just put a huge wedge in between both of you and that wedge will get deeper and deeper inserted over time. She just told you she does not approve of you, albeit she stated it as "that part of your life" it is still you and part of your life. I see you playing along for a wile but it going badly over time.

I am sorry this happened to you. In all to many relationships we hope our wife's wont change and they do huge, and our wife's hope to change us and we don't.


Good Luck

[Miss Anthropic]

Wow, this is rough to hear. I can't even begin to immagine.....

I don't really have any advice to give, all I can do is wish you the best and let you know if you need anything we're all right here for you.

<hugs>

~Sara

[Rebecca Jayne]

Love and marriage is a 2 way street
make sure you stay on your side.

[Deborah Jane]

I'm sorry to hear that She did that Wendy
She had no right to throw out anything of yours without talking to you first!!

She was bang out of order!!!!

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Wendy :hugs:

I am so sorry to hear your wife took the action she did
This was a breach of trust in my opinion She had no right to dispose your property without your permission
I suspect she has no idea what effect this will have on you :(

As a couple I fear this is a blow you may not recover from :(
You will both need to sit down and talk. Counseling may also help both of you

[Alana Beaumont]

Wendy, so sorry to hear this happened to you! If she wanted you to stop cding, then she should have sat down and discussed the issue with you, and not gone about throwing out your belongings. I'm not in a relationship, so I don't know what advice to give you. Only this: Cding is a part of who you are; don't let her destroy that. For, if she does, she has destroyed a part of you. That's not marriage, that's oppression!
*Hugs*

[Bobbie Bee]

Seems to me that she was not entirely honest and up front with you to begin with. And I suppose throwing her stuff out would not be beneficial either. Something had to trigger this reaction on her part, so mediation is the natural course of action at this point.

[Misty G]

No how you feel. had it done to me. When the things left so did I.

[wendy68]

Thank you all for the words. Im still shaken up and my emotions are all over the place. I never thought something like this could happen nor did I think she could be this cruel. We have a 4 year old son as well and she feels that he will find out somehow. I tried to assure her that I would be discrete but shes not listening nor has she listened for a long time. I feel like I want to run somewhere . Someof the threads spoke of dictatorship and oppression and WOW do I see their words shinning through.--Wendy:sad:

[Sheila]

Some of the threads spoke of dictatorship and oppression and WOW do I see their words shinning through.--Wendy:sad:

hun I cannot defend your wifes actions, nor would I want to but if I can give perhaps another view point to dictatorship and oppression, it my be that she was trying in her own way to protect your son, and the family, from someone else finding out and destroying everything, the fact that her actions may do this is ultimately sad, and like I said before what she did was wrong, but please, please do not buy into the oppression and dictatorship theories :hugs:

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Wendy, hon, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you, you have all my sympathy and best wishes. I am sorry to say this, but your relationship has some deep seated and very serious problems, anyone who would do what your spouse did without speaking to you about it is controlling, self-centered and doesn't care about your feelings, only about getting what they want.

Perhaps, if your wife is willing, couples counseling would be a good idea. Somehow, though, I don't think she'll agree to it. Perhaps it's time to think about whether you want to remain in the relationship or not. And yes, I do understand about having a son and your responsibilities to him, but living in a relationship that is based on a power struggle and the need for one partner to dictate to the other isn't good either.

I so wish you the very best and hopefully some sort of good outcome to this. All my best.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Jonianne]

Wendy, she violated your boundry. I would let her know, gently but firmly, that you are going to replace them. Not all at once, but in time. Ask her to help you replace them and then you and she can start over and discuss boundries and groundrules.

If you had violated her boundry, I would be in her corner.

Now, you know that standing up for yourself is a risk, but that is the only place where you can have respect for each other. Ask her to go to counseling with you and if not, go by yourself.

[HalloweenDragon]

I am so sorry to hear that, sweetheart! I would be devestated. I have a lot of stuff that has taken me almost 10 years to gather up. I hope you two do not fight over this too much, I can understand one or two "heated" discussions though. Good luck with this.

My lover is starting to hate my make-up, and some of my outfits. I know I look a little ****ty, but that's what makes me happy. She'll NEVER understand. I know that if that ever happened to me, I would move out and steal all of her stuff! The more adult option is to leave it alone, state your mind, and re-evaluate your relationship. I am currently donig this, and things do not look good. It's gonna hurt to break up, but I need to not be in hiding about my sexuality.

In short: Love me for who I am, or do not love me AT ALL.

[Ann Thomas]

Well it can only get better from where you are. I really feel for you. I have resistance to my dressing from my wife as well, but I have to give myself room for it. I feel that if my wife can;t accept all of me, then it's better I do it away from her to keep my sanity and keep from being depressed. My wife is better off with someone who's not depressed, too, so I have to take care of myself first so I can take care of her properly.

Hugs,
Ann

[Ediosa]

If it was me, I will take all her jewelry, everything expensive that she owns (purses, shoes, clothes, makeup and etc.) and place it in a place where she can't find it. Put that's me. When she's explodes, then tell her, that was exactly the same way you felt. Of course, that's me.

If you don't want the fight and stand up for yourself, then go to safe route and talk and seek counseling.

My two cents.

[GloriaTutu]

Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. shes known about my CDing for over two years now. She just told me after i found my room ran sacked with hangers laying all over that she doesnt want it in the house no more. She added that she has decided that she will nver accept that part of my life but that she still loves me. Im so depressed. She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy:sad:

i'm not here too long your situation seems very familiar to me.

[giuseppina]

If it was me, I will take all her jewelry, everything expensive that she owns (purses, shoes, clothes, makeup and etc.) and place it in a place where she can't find it. Put that's me. When she's explodes, then tell her, that was exactly the same way you felt. Of course, that's me.

If you don't want the fight and stand up for yourself, then go to safe route and talk and seek counseling.

My two cents.

This kind of tit for tat behavior creates more problems than it solves. :straightface:

Cheers
Giuseppina

[Holly]

Wendy, your wife was wrong to do what she did. And in my opinion, it shows that there is a major problem in the relationship the two of you share. A marriage is a partnership. For either party to unilaterally dictate any terms between them is a gross violation. Unless the two of you learn to communicate with each other, there is little chance of the relationship surviving. You wife clearly does not have an understanding of your drive and desire to explore femininity. YOU need to do a better job of helping her understand. You don't have a clue as to how or why she feels the way she does. SHE needs to help you understand where she is with this. If you two do get to the point of talking about this, I hope BOTH of you can grasp the concept the communication is as much or more about listening than it is talking. More than likely your wife has a lot of mis-information about people who are gender variant. Gather as much good information as you can and have it ready for her. Should she choose not to engage in conversation, then you best be prepared to move on.

[Jacky Aikou]

Wendy, what a shocking story - I can't believe how skewed some people's judgement can get. But when love and family is involved, I guess all bets are off.

I can imagine the anguish you're feeling... All I can offer is my sympathy and the hope that you and your wife will sit down for a serious two-way talk and reconcile things.

[Christine Rugby]

Wendy--wow, my jaw just hit the floor! I may have my own issues with my SO and his CDing, but I would NEVER violate his items or him in that manner!

I am of the opinion that something got triggered in her to act this way. If she has been doing ok (I believe that is how it sounds) with your CDing and set boundaries, something somewhere must have caused this huge and terrible reaction. If you wish to work it out, try and see what lead up to this event and lashing out. She might have tried to hide her true feelings and hit a ceiling when something happened. Either way, with a child involved, a marriage, and a life of at least 4 years together, I think you both are entitled to a talk and you are entitled to some answers and apology. I hope you both will come to a resolution that leaves you both in a better place than you are now.:hugs:

[Persephone]

Wendy, hun, I am so sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I can't imagine what would go on in my house if this had happened.

Her "preemptive strike" is truly a violation of your rights as a partner in the marriage and her attitude that, in her mind, gives her the right to do this and to deliver ultimatums is very disturbing.

Only you can decide how to deal with your situation, but know that many of us feel for you and your son and care about you. You will be in my prayers.

Hugs,
Persephone.

["Mary"]

Not to be a trouble maker, ,,, and this doesn't do anything to help improve the situation... But - who the heck does she think she is to take it upon herself to do such a thing!?!

How would she feel if you _______ (fill in the blank)?

Sorry to hear this, hope things get better and maybe you could recover your things.

[Aeval]

Wendy--wow, my jaw just hit the floor! I may have my own issues with my SO and his CDing, but I would NEVER violate his items or him in that manner!

I am of the opinion that something got triggered in her to act this way. If she has been doing ok (I believe that is how it sounds) with your CDing and set boundaries, something somewhere must have caused this huge and terrible reaction. If you wish to work it out, try and see what lead up to this event and lashing out. She might have tried to hide her true feelings and hit a ceiling when something happened. Either way, with a child involved, a marriage, and a life of at least 4 years together, I think you both are entitled to a talk and you are entitled to some answers and apology. I hope you both will come to a resolution that leaves you both in a better place than you are now.:hugs:

I agree 100%...there must have been something to set her off (maybe a boundary that she set, but did not alert you to because she never thought you would cross it). With so much put into this relationship, you certainly owe it to yourselves to try and work it out as best you can.

I wish you all of the luck I can throw your way!

[Plasibeau]

I'm sorry for the betrayal your wife has done to you. You expressed great trust in telling her in the first place. In my opinion the way she is behaving has negated any reason to attempt a line of dialog. If she was interested in talking, that's what she would have done. She's coming from a what she percievs as a source of strength, but a strong person has no need to deliver demands upon another person.I would say that you have some tough decisions ahead of you, been then that's just my :2c:.

[Amanda B]

Oh Wendy, this is a major set back to your relationship indeed. Firstly there must have been a trigger and you probably need to think about that. Secondly, you say she seems to have been empowered. I suspect that she might have told one of her girl friends or she might have attended a meeting or support group of some sort. I know that group meetings can often side with the percieved victim. They would see her as the victim because she was st the meeting. If you had been the one attending a support group you would have got the support / symathy as they would see you as the victim. Did you push the bondaries at home by maybe commenting on things such as saying I love your lipstick, I have one like it for example. I know I did that a few times and I could see that she was not impressed. She was having make up trouble so I got some of mine and said "try this its a better colour". Hang in there girlfriend. Hugs Amanda

[dilane]

Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. ... She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy:sad:

Prepare for the worst. She can do anything. She's dehumanized you and humiliated you and destroyed your property. Is this a marriage worth saving?

I suspect she's had some bucking up from friends, her lawyer (that's right) or her therapist.

Another girl on the board got an ultimatum from her wife, she complied, and then wife initiated a divorce anyway.

Sorry to have to say this, just my opinion based on what I've heard.

Good Luck,

Diane

[marisa]

i am so sorry she did that. normaly i would say gather all her stuff up and dispose of it to. but this would be counter- productive. about the only way i can think of to handle this would be to sit her down and hash things out. honestly, she had no right to touch your stuff. technicly thats theft. make this fact very clear. but don't start screaming right off the hop. again thats not productive. if she really does love you like she claims this shouldn't have happened in the first place. plus she has no real right to tell you what you can and can't do in regaurds to you going to the meetings. your meetings sound like a matter of personal well being. sorry for the ramble'n on and on, i'm kind'a in shock that someone could do this to a claimed love one. on a personal note, and this is just my opion, going from your post, you owe her nothing and she owes you mega big time.

[nvlady]

This sounds exactly like something my ex-wife would have done, and saying she did it so your son would not find out was just an excuse.
One of my ex's favorite expressions was "I did it because".

[playfullprincess]

hun I am SOOOO sorry to hear that! its terrible and I hope you can work things out with her.

[Miranda09]

Hi Wendy....sorry to hear about your home situation. It almost sounds to me like she's having a knee-jerk reaction, possibly after talking to someone about your CDing activity. Even if this was the case, she still had no right to toss your personal items out like she did. I really hope things turn out for you and your SO. Relationships can be trying at times, but at least be comforted in knowing we're here for you. :)

[docrobbysherry]

However, I won't GLOSS OVER your SURPRISED and CONFUSED REACTION to what she did EITHER!:sad:

It sounds to me, like your marriage has SOME SERIOUS ISSUES u must resolve, if u 2 wish to keep it going!:doh:

[Samantha B L]

Hi Wendy, That's a bad deal. I'm sorry and I send you all my sympathies,hun. But at least you have all of us here at crsdrsrs to talk to. Once again,I'm really sorry.



:hugs: :thumbsup: :love:

[kellycan27]

I always hate reading these type threads. You said that you told your wife about your cross dressing 2 years ago. I believe that in another thread you said that you have been married for 14 years. So one would surmise that you kept this a secret for 12 years, and your wife never had the freedom to choose if she in fact wanted to have a relationship and children with someone who cross dresses. She sounds like she at least was willing to try accepting it.. for at least 2 years, but maybe in the end she decided that it is something that she just can't abide by. Now she has tossed all of your "girly" belongings and you and a host of others it seems, are all indignant. IMHO you got exactly what you deserved. She may have had no right to dump your stuff,but you had no right to take away her freedom of choice in the beginning. No matter what your excuses are for hiding the fact..it was still a shitty thing to do. If cross dressing is something that you cannot live without, and something that she can't live with maybe it's time to call it a day. Had you been honest in the beginning,maybe you wouldn't find yourself in this position. Keeping secrets and lies always seem to come back and bite people in the ass, and it always astonishes me when they are surprised by an SO's reaction when they discover the truth.
I guess that the bottom line here is that although there is nothing wrong with cross dressing, and you have the absolute right to do it. There is also nothing wrong with not being able to accept it. You screwed up from the get-go and you need to own it.
I can't offer a solution for your situation,but hopefully others will read about your woes and take a good hard look in the mirror before traveling down the same road as you did.
That being said. I truly hope that you you and your wife can come to some kind of mutual understanding,at least for the sake of your innocent children.

[wendy68]

Thank you all so much. Ive been reading all of your responses and its helped a great deal. I even spoke by email to a member of my support group which also helped alot. I really have no idea whats going to happen to my marriage. At this point everyone else is asleep and tommarrow is a new day. I wish I could be opimistic but I dont have high hopes. I tried to give her written information ages ago to try to see if it helped her understand me better but it had little effect. God I dont know if I could go back to repressing myself I had too many breakdowns to remember. I guess only time will tell

[Sarah Doepner]

Best of luck to you as you try to figure it out. Be careful for a while, she did something very daring and will be pretty pumped up and very defensive when you are ready to talk about it. Her reactions may be greater than you would normally expect, so take it slow and try to keep it a discussion instead of allowing it to become a shouting match. That much heat could burn the place down. Keep it cool if you can.

[DanaR]

I'm sorry she did that, that is just spiteful!! You should ask her how she would feel if you threw out everything of hers you didn't like (no I'm not saying stoop to her level and do it)... and see what she says to that.

This is almost exactly what I was thinking as well. It sounds like she has some control and abuse issues. I hope that you can get by this, it would be a real problem for me.

[KayC]

Children are more concerned with playing at that age to notice what possessions happen to be laying around, besides, even if a child did discover the clothes and asked questions, they are pretty adaptable...moreso than adults as it seems.
I would let her know that this was a huge violation and showed utter disregard for you, that you're a grown man that needs no "permission" poarticularly to be who you are. I would strongly urge marriage counseling. The issue isn't even CDing, it's the contempt with which you were treated. I am so sorry you're going through this, I can't even imagine how violated you must feel. I personally wouldn't want to live in such a controlled environment and would have to question if this is a marriage worth trying to save...in the end, how good can it be to live with someone so disrespectful? She could have put the clothes in a locked trunk if she was that concerned about your child discovering them. I realize I'm highly principled and most wouldn't agree, but I'd even consider the idea of a civil lawsuit for her to replace my belongings...right's right and wrong's wrong and she had no right, just because she is your wife, to throw away your belongings without even so much as a discussion...and that goes regardless of when she found out. There are all kinds of reasons why a CDer has a hard time coming out to their SO, it's always best to be honest from the beginning, but GGs should try and get behind the CDer's eyes and understand what all they go through and how difficult it is for some to "tell". Isn't that what loving partners do, talk to each other and listen with their hearts? Good luck, whatever you decide you can live with.

[Lee Andrews]

All I can say is wow and how sad.
I think there is more than just cross dressing going on here. That was not a nice thing to do and even if she had issues with CDing she could have just set some ground rules for you, not throw out all your stuff. I'm lucky, my SO is not shy to say cool it with the cross dressing, I need a break and I comply with her request out of respect for her and us as a whole.
Good luck with this, it doesn't sound like it is going in the right direction but hopefully you can work out something that both of you can live with.

[sterling12]

ADIÓS BABY!

If it were my life, I think that I would consider this as a "deal breaker." You have to talk with her, you have to try. But, if it gets worse; I would also be making contingency plans on what I would need to do, and when.

I don't think you will be able to live with The Ultimatums! At this point, I would be thinking about minimizing The Damage!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[MJ]

Next time she is out find everything that's guy looking slacks jeans paints etc and go take them to the dump too.

see how she likes it.

[WHENIMWENDY]

I don't have any advice on the realations ship but i fee your pain of losing everything. I won't go into details but basicly i felt i needed to remove everything from my place and asked a female friend to hold on to my things. About 3 weeks later when i went to retrieve my stuff i was told that "other" people had ransacked everything and i only got back a couple of items from a fairly large collection of clothes, jewelry, make up, wigs, the works. Basicly "wendy" as i knew her had been stolen. I was crushed at the time but now a year later i've nearly forgotten about the missing stuff and just enjoy the "new wendy" thats risen from the ashes of the old with a total remake

[kellycan27]

ADIÓS BABY!

If it were my life, I think that I would consider this as a "deal breaker." You have to talk with her, you have to try. But, if it gets worse; I would also be making contingency plans on what I would need to do, and when.

I don't think you will be able to live with The Ultimatums! At this point, I would be thinking about minimizing The Damage!

Peace and Love, Joanie

Great idea! heck with her,and the kid(s) Go ahead and live your life like you want to. Never mind the fact that you hid this from her... you had your reasons. :battingeyelashes:

[Lorileah]

Anyone remember debate class?

Given, you should have been up front years ago
Given, what your wife did was childish and unnecessary
Given, you should not have lied
Given, revenge won't help the situation (see childish and unnecessary above)
Given, you love your children (your wife right now not so much but we will leave some room for forgiveness later IF you both can agree) and you don't want to lose them (which we assume was the reason your wife did what she did...to save the children which may now end up in a broken home with two bitter parents, but that is next weeks debate).

We all agree on those givens?

Now what can be done to correct the problem?

[PaulaJaneThomas]

Now what can be done to correct the problem?

Probably nothing. Some women cannot accept their husband's cross-dressing at any level.

[Nicole Erin]

Great idea! heck with her,and the kid(s) Go ahead and live your life like you want to. Never mind the fact that you hid this from her... you had your reasons. :battingeyelashes:

Well Kelly, unlike many of us CD/TS, you have not had things so hard. You are one of those who passes easily, lives this perfect life as a woman and you love to boast about it here...
However, for most CD/TS here, things tend to be harder. I think if you didn't have this perfect life you would probably empathize more with some of our sisters who have had to go thru hell at times.

NOW to address what Lorileah said -
She is think thinking analytically, one must find a solution...
OK, So this is a good excuse to start building a new wardrobe. Sadly, you probably aren't going to get back your old stuff but things happen. What can be said?

Next, we have all had people in our lives who want to control us. You cannot let them. Once you start taking orders from someone who is not signing your paycheck, you have given up part of the rights you hold as an adult. Asking "Mother may I?" is not an option. Plus, a control freak always wants to control more. Your CD'ing today, what tomorrow?

Ladies, you simply MUST learn to stand up for yourselves. There will always be something trying to stand in the way of you living your life. Some of us don't pass well, and pretty much all of us have someone who will not approve of our CD'ing.

On the good side - though our spouses do go thru times like this, they normally come around.

[Olivia]

Well damn. Wendy, I'm really sorry that your wife pulled this chicken-shit stunt. It was a low blow, and using your son as an excuse doesn't make it any better. That said, I do agree with Kelly. Keeping a secret like 'ours' from your SO is a bad idea. I know many of you will disagree but I'm sorry; any relationship based on a lie of omission starts off in the hole. I believed that my wife deserved to know that I was a crossdresser before we married and I still believe that today. If such an admission results in the end of the relationship then, well, it's better then than years later after both of you have so much invested in the partnership. If a SO can't accept a part of you that means so much, then she is not a good match and it's time to move on. Now, you have much more at stake and yes, a son that you will always share no matter how this turns out.

I would not live with a woman (or a man) who did what your wife did. I don't think she loves you Wendy. My definition of love doesn't include actions like hers. But, she did deserve to know who she was marrying 14 years ago. When she found out a couple years ago, she couldn't handle the truth. Please don't think I'm flaming you for deceiving her. Everyone thinks they have good reasons for keeping the secret, both at the start and as time goes on. But surely, everyone can see the sad result that often accompanies the revelation when it happens. I guess I hope you can work it out with her. I don't know that I'd want to but none of us are in your pumps hon. I wish you the best resolution you can make. Keep us in touch, Olivia.

[MeraLehanga]

Why she didnt even give you a hint before taking the final dump, that would have sufficed to some extent. If you cant wear a skirt, then she shouldnt wear pants, as simple as that. Tell her that is your condition now. Dont let her deviate by saying everybody blah, blah.............. tell her sternly and firmly LETS TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME ONLY, TO HELL WITH EVERYBODY ELSE.

As for the child, its bull what she says, as she can easily tell the boy those stuff are hers if she loves you, we make compromises and adjustmens all the time during a day when we esteem and love somebody, dont we?

[Dutchess]

I am always sad and a bit shocked when I read posts like this ,, I agree with it being a gross violation ,across the board.. I am a GG married to a CD-er and I have always protected him and really coddled him at home due to our outside lifestyle . He simply cannot be identified at all outside the home ( his words) I understand this and I try to make his inside the house dressing as happy as possible.

We have one child left in the home, an 8 year old daughter , she just sees him as artistic and thinks he just cant seem to find a mans bathrobe that he likes ( thats all she sees of his dressing at her age ).

I too had this happen to ME by my controlling ex ,, he piled my clothes up in the front yard and burned them because he thought I was trying to look " like a model" yeah .. ok .... I am not ready for the polyester house dresses yet sorry ..

I stayed wayyy too long but yes I divorced him..

I am sorry , what she did was unacceptable behavior.

[Dressing Jill]

OMG I can only feel the pain you must be feeling. That is so not right on so many levels.

You have the right now to go and throw all of her clothes away that a man might wear. If you can't be your self neither can she.

That is a little agressive but she was very ugly with her BS.

[Miranda09]

Anyone remember debate class?

Given, you should have been up front years ago
Given, what your wife did was childish and unnecessary
Given, you should not have lied
Given, revenge won't help the situation (see childish and unnecessary above)
Given, you love your children (your wife right now not so much but we will leave some room for forgiveness later IF you both can agree) and you don't want to lose them (which we assume was the reason your wife did what she did...to save the children which may now end up in a broken home with two bitter parents, but that is next weeks debate).

We all agree on those givens?

Now what can be done to correct the problem?


Every problem can be corrected, provided both parties are willing to see the other side. It's NOT a one way street here. Compromise is just as important as understanding.

[AKAMichelle]

This is one of the reasons when my wife moved back in with me, the clothes went to the mini-storage. The other thing that a wife could do is take pictures of the clothes and stuff and use it later. That's why my stuff is out of my wife's view.

Sorry you had to be done this way. Her actions have now drawn a line in the sand which nobody will want to go over.

[christinek]

If I was to wrap up all the posts in this thread, blend them up and pour it out it would like like this:

The marriage is over, she is spiteful, so she will hold your lying butt to the fire in court, the plus is you will get to be you a new.

Does that sum it up ladies??

[LilSissyStevie]

I feel like I want to run somewhere ...--Wendy:sad:

Do it! If she wants you back, it will have to be on your terms. If not, then, oh well, better luck next time. Sometimes things get broke and aren't worth fixing. There's no use to crawl before her for the rest of your life (unless you like that sort of thing:D) because you made a mistake. If the relationship is based on a lie then make amends for your part in it and move on. I got divorced. I lived. I prospered.
:love:

[tazthis]

I'm sorry to hear about what your wife did! I personally would talk to her and see where her head is at. Taking your things to the dump seems very irrational. I would have to argee, it seems like something triggered her behavior....maybe you can figure out what that was. Good luck!!

[Sheila]

Females are true hypocrites

Please please tell me I did not read that right ........... he lies and lies to his wife, and you call us females hypocrites un-bloody believable :Angry3:


If you cant wear a skirt, then she shouldnt wear pants, as simple as that.

Again please, please tell me I did not read that right ...........you are bl**dy joking right !!!!!!!!!! :Angry3: he can wear what he damn well wants, when he wants, despite how his wife feels about it, cause lets face it he alreasy does behind her back at least :Angry3::Angry3:


As for the child, its bull what she says, as she can easily tell the boy those stuff are hers if she loves you

Great lets make the wife into as big a liar as the hubby .......... jolly good :Angry3:


we make compromises and adjustmens all the time during a day when we esteem and love somebody, dont we?

No it seems we the GG's are required to compromise all the bloody time in some CDing relationships ....... not you don't if you are certain trannies you don't .................. if it were not for the majority of decent folks in here somedays I wouldn't bother coming in here, especially when I come across this load of :BS: I just wanna :puke:

[suchacutie]

Wendy, whatever you do, do not treat this as if nothing has changed. She has chosen to end a dialog without warning. Something did trigger this off, and that trigger could range from a social interaction to a medical depression.

While you figure out what the devil happened, please protect yourself. If she is capable of this kind of unilateral action one has to ask what else might be next. What else that she doesn't like does she think she can "fix"? Having a preliminary meeting with a lawyer would, in my opinion, not be too drastic of an action.

Secondly, the discussion needs to be had about why she felt she could take this action without prior discussion. During that conversation, it is not unreasonable to explain to her that you are justifiably in fear of what else she might do, and that your trust in her is greatly shaken. Hopefully she will reconsider further unilateral actions, but if she stands firm a re-evaluation of your position is not out of order.

Lastly, I don't think a retaliation is appropriate, but the discussion of how she would feel if you did retaliate is a worthwhile topic of conversation.

There are problems here, and maybe outside intervention is the only way.

Really frightening but our hopes are with you,

tina

[Sandra]

If you cant wear a skirt, then she shouldnt wear pants, as simple as that.

What a pathetic childish reply.. :Angry3:




As for the child, its bull what she says, as she can easily tell the boy those stuff are hers if she loves you,

Oh I wonder when sommat like this would come up, it seesm to be a favourite get out, "if she loves you" :Angry3: :Angry3:



we make compromises and adjustmens all the time during a day when we esteem and love somebody, dont we?

Really ask most SOs and they would say that they are the ones compromising and making adjustgments, otherwise partners have hissy fits because they can't get their own way. :Angry3:




Females are true hypocrites

Really, you do talk a load of :BS:

[AKAMichelle]

If I was to wrap up all the posts in this thread, blend them up and pour it out it would like like this:

The marriage is over, she is spiteful, so she will hold your lying butt to the fire in court, the plus is you will get to be you a new.

Does that sum it up ladies??

Unfortunately you are most likely right. The most question is why would you want to live with somebody that accept who you are. Granted that doesn't mean going out with you dressed, but at least a certain level of understanding of your feelings.

[Ralph]

hun I cannot defend your wifes actions, nor would I want to but if I can give perhaps another view point to dictatorship and oppression, it my be that she was trying in her own way to protect your son, and the family, from someone else finding out and destroying everything, the fact that her actions may do this is ultimately sad, and like I said before what she did was wrong, but please, please do not buy into the oppression and dictatorship theories

Totally agree, except for the "hun" part which drives me crazy but that's a whole 'nother rant. If at all possible, I think you should try to explain to her how much a part of your personality is, and get both of you to counseling ASAP. In addition to her needing to understand more about that side of you, there are obviously communication issues that need to be resolved.

Above all, I sure hope this doesn't end up in your child getting caught in the middle or losing his father.

Several of the posters here have revealed a lot about themselves when they write off your own son as easy to walk away from. Sigh. Ditto for those who think that escalating this tragedy with vengeance is the right answer.

Hope the two of you can work it out...

[sherib]

So sorry that your wife threw out all your clothes. It's obvious your wife is not going to except your dressing. You can try counseling, but if she is like my wife she''ll only accept the counseler that say cross dressing is WRONG.

[SherylynJade]

I actually had this happen once with an old girlfriend. She had just moved in with me. I had to go to a job meeting that night and came home and she had thrown all my girl stuff into the trash. I was fit to be tied when i found out. And I let it slide and just slowly started rebuilding my collection. And I stayed with her. Honestly, the reason I stayed with hee was more out of feeling like I had to due to her sitiuation with her family and her medical conditions than love at that point. I wish I hadn't. It ended badly about 3 years later. And yes, dressing was a part of it
And yes, she knew soon after we started dating (which was about 2 years before this) that I had my feminie side. It wasn't something I kept from her (except maybe the first month).
Your situation is of course different, but I just wanted you to know that there have been some of us that have been there before. I'll be praying for you.
:hugs::love:

[angpai30]

My feelings go out for you wendy. That has happened to me to often with my own family. My parents always threw out my clothes when they found them. It was almost a personal vendetta because they didn't like me dressing and tried everything to get me to stop. My father even took me and my brothers to a super market and pulled out some panty hose right in front of everybody and said here these are for you misses. That was my most embarrasing and humiliating day of my life.

[donnalee]

Wendy, I'm so sorry to hear of this. :eek: :hugs: As others have said, you have to try and think this out. What changed? There was a do-able, if difficult, relationship going on; suddenly one of the parties decides to commit major aggression against the other. Was it an outside influence, something you unknowingly triggered, a long simmering hostility that finally reached the boiling point?
This is a good time for some feminine intuition. Meanwhile, be VERY careful. Consulting an attorney may not be a bad idea. Do not over react, but asking your wife why she did this (I'm pretty certain your son was the first excuse she thought of), after things have cooled a bit, may be worthwhile.
I hope you are able to resolve this somehow. The training curve for new wives is a steep one (I've been with my SO for 42 not always peaceful years now).
Best wishes for success,
Donna :love:

[AlannahNorth]

Ouch! That's not right. Marriage is a two way street, although it may not be easy. Keep your head on - think before you act. What you do in the next little while will be important to your relationship.

Good luck.

[wendy68]

Thanks again to all the responses from everyone. she hasnt said much since her raid on my room, except that she was decieved all those years and that shes just been acting like she was tolerant over the last two years. Shes been pretty quiet around me since this morning. We had company over this early evening and she acted as she always would. I didnt feel like socializing much with her girfriends, so I stayed out of it. Music has been my best outlet along with work believe it or not. I actually drove to my job site and did paperwork on my day off just to keep my mind busy. unforuantely work hasnt been great either . Im a counselor of 19 years that got laid off from my county job six months ago now at a job that wants me to use a type of therapy that is the opposite model of what I was taught in school as well as expiereced in other jobs. After six months my supervisor is not optmistic about my future there. I already have a interview with a company next week to attempt new options. Oops well I guess I got off tract there alittle --apologies--Wendy:sad:

[sherri52]

Wendy this is a tough thing for anyone to go through. She tells you she loves you but doesn't confide with you in her feelings. What made her do this to begin with. Especially if she hasn't seen you dressed. She should ahve taken time for a discussion or even counciling for the both of you together. I'm sorry this has happened to you and unfortunately this is no quick or set cure. This is sonething the two of you have to work out. Love will find a way.

[giuseppina]

...
Several of the posters here have revealed a lot about themselves when they write off your own son as easy to walk away from. Sigh. Ditto for those who think that escalating this tragedy with vengeance is the right answer.

Hope the two of you can work it out...

Perhaps, but if I was in Wendy's situation, I would insist on counseling as a condition of continuing the marriage. If she refused, I would leave, and take my son with me. Wendy's behavior demonstrates unfitness as a parent, and sets a terrible example for her son.

If she insists on someone who thinks crossdressing is bad, then the therapist is taking her side, and that, to me, is a recipe for disaster. No competent therapist would do that.

Control freaks, in my experience, must be dealt with fairly, but very firmly. If it means breaking up the marriage, so be it.

Sorry to hear that things are not working out very well for you, Wendy. You probably already know your son knows something is up, and it's not very nice.

Cheers
Giuseppina

[Sally2005]

I'm not sure what I would do, but I think part of my reaction would be to remind her hourly for the next 2 months how I contribute and support her and my family and how sad her actions have made me feel. I'm not sure I would accept any response from her other than a full appology and her credit card so I could replace what she took with new stuff. She has disrespected you, not only for what she did, but also for not telling you her feelings for so long. How is she going to make this better?

[Karen564]

Wendy,
1st off, I feel bad for you, I really do..I know it seems like a chitty thing to have done to you..or anyone for that matter..

But.......

Lets all be brutally honest here for just one moment,,,,and get out of fantasyland the others are in for one moment,,,,

Most wives wouldn't of just stopped at just throwing all your girly stuff out, they would of kicked you out to the curb too!!!!

But since she didn't do that, that says something right there & shows me she still loves you, but obviously, totally hates the CD'ing & she very well could of been feeling your relationship together as a Family a bit threatened by what's been going on with you lately, (your going to TS/TG meetings, huh) after all, you've been together for some time now & had a child before you came clean to her, & so this could be her way of trying to save it before it gets any worse..
But seriously doubt it will work out the way she hopes it will..

I TOTALLY disagree with ALL the negative comments the others are saying about your wife, and think it's just total BS & VERY ignorant for anyone to say those things about someone they don't even know, Regardless of what she did..:bringiton:

Just sit down with her & have a good civilized talk together about it, and go from there.......

Sorry, I'm not the one to sugarcoat things here..& just trying to keep it REAL..
Just wish more could do the same here..:hmph:

Good Luck..:hugs:

[Joann0830]

Hi Wendy :hugs:

I am so sorry to hear your wife took the action she did
This was a breach of trust in my opinion She had no right to dispose your property without your permission
I suspect she has no idea what effect this will have on you :(

As a couple I fear this is a blow you may not recover from :(
You will both need to sit down and talk. Counseling may also help both of you

I agree with Shelly Preston and she is so right about Breach of Trust, To just assume that you would go along with this decision of hers is wrong. You entered into this relationship as partners which means side by side, there is no leader no follower, Together you walk. You talk things out if there are issues. I am so sorry for you, I am here for you if you need to vent as everyone else is here for you. Joann0830:sad:

[ashlee chiffon]

a good reason why most of us are single

[Tracy_Victoria]

Wendy

I have not read every post here, However I will say you certainly both need to talk. I really can understand how you feel right now, and to a point I can also understand your wife point of view and actions too. ie I sit here a 48 year old man, that enjoys dressing up as a woman, even I don't understand it, so I really can understand the difficulties a Woman and more to the point a Wife would have.

There really is two side to this, there is your needs and desires, Sadly many do not understand the drive this "hobby" or should I say affliction, has, ie I had not only the desire to not only dress as a female from a young age, but pass out as one as well (and did so for the first time at the age of 15! Yikes!) I'm not say that as a boast, and I realise now just how bloody stupid it was to do it, but all the same, it just shows how the desire to crossdress and go out, is strong, and also difficult to ignore too.

However there is also your partner, and her fears, Yes what she has done is very, very wrong, but I can feel for her as well. if you have been hiding away, keeping a secret in a way from her, even if she knew you were dressing, maybe what you where up to,and doing was causing the problem ie the time factor, or the fear of the unknown! ie we can very much agree to things, and yet, sadly both have totally different understanding of the meaning of what has been agreed too? ie her mind will have been working overtime, whilst you were hiding away with your "other woman" so to speak.

Personally I see her actions as one of love, over one of hate, ie she didn't just ask you to leave, and she tried to remove the source of her problem. She probably knows she has made a big mistake, she probably hoped all would be fine and dandy after doing so, however it probably clear to her now, thats not the case, so your next step, really to see how she feels about her action, not US!!! ie if she relises she has made a mistake then hopefully that will give you a door to talk to each other, and see how the ground lies, avoiding one another will only put more anger in your mind as time goes on, and fear in hers, so you really need to talk.

All I can say is take time to look at her actions, and the period leading up to them, Was this just a action of malice, or was it one of desparation and dispair, only by understanding how she feels fully, will you begin to understand why, and only by talking to you, will she understand your hurt, and frustrations as well.

Sadly crossdressers are a Beast unto themselves, we live in a dream world mostly of our own creation, some are luck and have understanding partners, others have partners that know but don't partake, others have ones that are totally in the dark. However there is a forth option, and those are the ones that know and are told to like it, or lump it, and you really need to know which one your wife felt she was. if she did feel she was the forth option, then you can start to see reason for her action. (none of us are Saints!!!)

I hope for all the bad in this situation, some good will come of it to. hopefully it will give you a chance to talk, and her a chance to understand we do what we do out of need to do it, and not a need to be different, or deceptive or most of all hurtful. Many of those that have not told there loved ones, do so, to protect them, as they are just totally unable to do so. in reality they have no wish to lie or decive, in the perfect world, we would all be able to wear what we wanted. however you also must understand that wendy takes you away from her, and that being the case, it puts a slightly different light on her actions. therefore as I said the only way forward now is to talk, for both of you.

Good luck.

[Fab Karen]

It isn't love to say "do as I tell you."

[raksha GG]

I am sorry your wife has felt she has to take this sort of action. But there are often two sides to such a story. Can you think of anything you might had done to give her a reason to do this? It may not even be something you think she knows about.........

[Jean Ann S]

Personally I would say it is time to have a long "talk"
The possible outcome being divorce
It is Never right to do what she did
this was your property
her actions showed a complete lackof respect

Jean Ann

[docrobbysherry]

Perhaps, but if I was in Wendy's situation, I would insist on counseling as a condition of continuing the marriage.

If she insists on someone who thinks crossdressing is bad, then the therapist is taking her side, and that, to me, is a recipe for disaster. No competent therapist would do that.

Cheers
Giuseppina

Without counseling, I believe your marriage is DOOMED, Wendy! A good, experienced therapist would MOST PROBABLY fast forward thru the "CD issue", and work on the SERIOUS problems in your marriage! Which, U seem to have PLENTY OF!:brolleyes:

[wendy68]

Wow thanks for all the support from all of you. Im just taking things one day at a time at this point. Im not exactly sure what triggered this action of hers wether t was talikng to her girlfriends or maybe something I may of left out . I dont think it would of been clothing , Im good at keeping things hidden but I do like to read books about CDing and other TG issues and I might of left something like that perhaps. She reacted very negatively the last time I tried to offer some reading material to undestand the topic better. She did cocede at the time that my motives were from my standpoint were understandable but she still reacted badly.That was about a year and a half ago. I have no idea whats shes thinking right now. Im strongly thinking of asking her about counseling or if she wont go then at least maybe I could go. She went away today to the gym with our son to also swim. I just got done cleaning the house which helped get some tension off. When she gets back its my turn to exercise . Walking for a hour or so with my mp3 helps as well. To tell you all the truth, Im so scared right know, scared of losing my family -job or both.Thank you all--Wendy

[JaytoJillian]

Sad to hear. My SO hates this part of me, but she has the good sense to know that clothes cost money! One of the first things she said was, "don't throw any of it away, because you'll just buy more." Your SO might as well just thrown a few hundred bucks in the fire.

[Jean Ann S]

my advice would be to get your "Ducks in a Row" so to speak
look in to the possibility of another job check out lawyers
and check on the availability of other places to live
whether you actually have to use all this info or not depends
on the both of you ,,,,,,
but is much easier to negotiate when not in a dependent positinon
level the playing field just a little
just my opinion

Jean Ann

[AmandaM]

Did you at least tell her she disrespected you and it wasn't right? If she can't handle the crossdressing fine, but she shouldn't be evil about it.

[wendy68]

Sad to hear. My SO hates this part of me, but she has the good sense to know that clothes cost money! One of the first things she said was, "don't throw any of it away, because you'll just buy more." Your SO might as well just thrown a few hundred bucks in the fire.

Very true about the money aspect. 9 wigs, 14 pairs of shoes, breast forms, make up, etc- its most likely getting close to the 6 hundred to eight hundred range. That hurts but some of my stuff Ive had from many years ago and that actually hurts more--Wendy

[holtonrocks2009]

I agree with Lorileagh hun! I am so sorry to hear that and keep your head up things will get better!

[JulieC]

Wendy, I faced a slightly similar situation some years ago. My wife is now very accepting, but wasn't always so. At first she was, then I expanded how I dressed to be more complete, and went to my first support group meeting. It was too much, too fast for her. She flipped 180 degrees. She left me a typed letter in which she expressed her thoughts.

Following reading that letter, I packed up my femme things and stuck them deep in a closet in the garage, a place where neither of us goes very often, and behind a lot of things that are hard to move, preventing easy access. I told myself I wasn't going to dress in front of my wife again, or in any way that she could discover. I wouldn't talk with her about it, and I wouldn't go to support group meetings anymore. In essence, she would be able to tell herself that her husband didn't crossdress anymore. She could live that fantasy, and I could occasionally get an opportunity to dress when my family wasn't around.

Surprisingly, my wife was mad when she found all the clothes gone from their usual spot. She'd thought I'd thrown everything out. I told her that I hadn't thrown anything out, just put it in storage, and she wouldn't have to worry about it ever again. We didn't talk much about it, mainly because of me. She wanted to understand what I was feeling. I didn't want to talk with her about it. I was deeply hurt, and couldn't talk with her about it without causing pain to her or our relationship. I didn't want to do that. I told her I couldn't talk with her about it for that reason, and because I knew that from her side, my crossdressing was no longer acceptable. I told her I was content to live out our lives with that part of me separate from her, and that it would be best to handle it in that way to avoid future problems.

It took months and months of silence on the subject before there began to be little bits of conversation about it, but in a sideways manner. Nothing definitive, but slow erosion of the wall that had grown up between us over it. We both knew it was bad, we both knew it had to go. Neither of us knew how to get there.

Before I met my wife, I'd finally gotten to a point in my life where I understood that I was a crossdresser for life, and that I needed to have a wife that could at least accept that, not reject me over it, and be willing to maintain a stable marriage despite it. A few months after we started dating, I told my now-wife about my crossdressing. She took it very well, and bought me pantyhose a few days later.

So, here I was, thinking I had done everything right yet my femme side had had a knife stuck in it all the same. I didn't think our marriage was going to end. But, I knew our marriage was going to be different than I had ever hoped for. I was very sad about this for a long time. My wife, too, was very sad. She knew the wall was there, but was in many ways was as scared of my femme side as all of us often are scared of being out in public.

Eventually, the wall came down. We're now at a place where she fully accepts my crossdressing, and often buys me shoes, skirts, panties, etc. As with many of us here, I could wish for more support in some ways, but I am blessed to have her and most importantly; she doesn't reject who I am anymore, but embraces it; all of me.

Your wife has trampled on you. I don't feel she's violated your privacy, as some suggest. I don't feel anything should be intentionally private from a spouse. She did run you over with a tank though, and her behavior was exceptionally negative and disrespectful.

I agree with others that there's more at work here than the CDing being the bane of your marriage. We don't know the entire story, nor can we. But for an egregious act like this to occur, there must be a lot afoot. Counseling is advised.

Time can help, but only if you are both willing to work on the marriage in true commitment, honesty, respectfulness and devotion to each other.

A little four year old is in the balance, and deserves every ounce of effort you can give.

I hope your job situation works out! Western NY isn't the available job mecca of the world, and likely never will be again in our lifetimes.

---

To those that suggest it isn't hypocritical that women can wear skirts and pants and men can't, I'm sorry but that is wrong from my view. When women began wearing pants, they were regarded as crossdressing and committing a sin. Some women were arrested for it. In fact, a woman in Africa was just this year arrested for wearing pants. When women first started wearing pants, they weren't designed for women. A man wearing a skirt is little different in that regard. In the historical context, a person thinking it wrong for a man to wear a skirt is being hypocritical if they accept women wearing pants.

Also, keeping a secret from your children doesn't have to involve direct lying. My wife and I have made a conscious choice not to tell our children of my CDing. To do so would require them to lie, or at least keep a secret, during their childhood years when they shouldn't be burdened with such things. Neither can we expect them to keep such a secret. Once the secret is out, they would suffer at the hands and words of their peers. We don't want them to have to endure that. That's the reality of our situation. If you consider an act of omission towards my children a lie, then you can call me a liar and frankly I don't care. You are not me, my wife, or my children and you don't get to decide what is right for my family.

[Monica93304]

I feel really bad for you girl. Personally, I wouldn't put up with it for one second. For her to tell you what to do is unacceptable.

I'll tell you this, you will never make anyone around you happy, unless you're happy 1st. Is it selfish? Sure. But you have to love yourself more than anybody. Your child may or may not accept your feminine side. Not much you can do there.

I would never be married to a tyrant. WEndy, just go out and do what you please and be happy. I'm sure you've had faults in the marriage too, but this is something that you will never surpress, and you know that. I would rather die than to not be able to be myself and dress. Had I not started dressing, going out, and living my life, I would've gone insane in the last 18 months or so.

Think of yourself, so that you can be healthy enough mentally to provide for your child. Don't worry about her.

Be happy girl, cause you don't want to die on the inside just because she won't accept it. It would be a supreme sacrifice to lay every night next to a person that cannot accept your beautiful inner being...


Take charge girl.


Monica.

[Ralph]

Julie, that was the best reply ever! It needs to be stickied with the other "how do I tell my wife" answers.

[KarenCDFL]

Your wife did all that to you and still claims she loves you?

Your wife unfortunately has no understanding of what she actually did and that love had nothing to do with it.

It sounds like its time for some professional family therapy for the both of you to find out what love actually is and can be.

I wish you both the best and hope you can both work something out.

[Allsteamedup]

You've done something big time to deserve this so stop acting the innocent and 'fess up!
I've only once done this, so judge for yourself.
I was to be President's Lady at my husband's professional gathering. I met him out of work and he said that he had planned a haircut. Two hours went by as I waited in the freezing cold, becoming aware by the minute that I would have no time to get ready; we lived some distance from town and even further in another direction from the venue. Eventualy, I decided to try all the hairdressers. It was a new town for us and most would have closed by now. The last one! There he was, having a colouring and highlights job. It was plain to me he would have trouble making the venue.
I got a lift home,packed all his stuff and stuffed it right under his nose. Well, men can never see the obvious.
He arrived home late. I had no shower and did the best I could with my appearance. I felt hugely humiliated, completely bullied and realised how little he thought of me. He thought he looked fabulous. (He was 45 at the time)
The night went better for me, so well that he never took me again; I aroused too much attention.
He walked past those clothes every day for six months. When it was cold he complained that 'she' was cold etc Eventually I tired of the game. Unfortunately, it didn't result in more consideration.
Do you think I did the right thing? I thought it was the only way I could get his attention, to take my point of view seriously.
You've overstepped the mark somewhere. Instead of whining, REFLECT!

[AmandaM]

Wow, transference big time.

[angpai30]

I agree and disagree with a lot of posts on here; In a way a lot of spouses don't understand the problem that exists because when I hid this part of myself for 3 1/2 years all it did was make my desire to crossdress even stronger than before and less resistable; I have already ordered 2 dresses and some pumps to get me going again, which one of my dresses is comming with some makeup (looking forward to wearing the plum lipstick)!! My wife thought that by having me dump it on the spot it would magically fix itself instantly. My wife did it out of love for me, but did not understand that things as exstensive as this isn't something I can just get rid of because it is now a part of me and this is what I have made myself into. If I were to think back I could probably think of a few times I even tried to fix things the magical way, but that is because I didn't want to deal with the problem and wanted it to go away quickly, but then gradually learned that by doing such a thing I made a mistake and made the problem bigger. She made her decision and most likely knowing that she made a mistake will stand by her decision because that is what she believes was right thing to have done in such an instance and her deed was the appropriate action. I have always read in self improvement books and by listening to tapes that the only way for one to solve a problem that was created at a certain level of understanding is to obtain a higher level of understanding than when the problem was created. I have implemented this into my life and have found that it holds true. If you are even going to penetrate her defence you need to get her to a higher level of understanding than what she has now of you and your current situation as I have also done this with my spouse as well.

[Satrana]

I don't see this as being a spur of the moment thing. The fact that your wife gave you a speech afterwards laying down the law and then carrying on as normal without a hint of an apology strongly hints that this was something she has wanted to do for a long time.

You now know that she was misleading you in her show of tolerance. Inside she was chewing herself up, hating this new revealed part of you but yet trapped by her proclamations of support. The more she thought about it, the more she though if only she could get rid of the clothes then this would cure her hurt and demonstrate to you the depth of her feelings. I wonder how often she dreamed about throwing out your wardrobe over the past two years.

The problem is she has probably convinced herself that your femme side is not really part of you, that it can be squashed by throwing out clothes. Two years of contempt has twisted her sense of respect for your feelings. She has a deep psychological scar brought about by the lack of communication that needs to be healed.

I fear that your relationship is on very shaky grounds as her "love" is not true love based upon respect, empathy and forgiveness. You should not be tempted to follow her path down this road by being contemptuous of her. She needs to own up to what she did and to agree to approach the subject of your femininity openly and together. Without this self reflection I see little hope for your relationship.:hugs:

[wendy68]

I want to again thank all of you for the responses to this situation. Last night we talked alittle bit with her first saying "well do you want to move on" I told her earlier that I wanted to make things work out between us so how. Things got busy with our son that evening so having a undisturbed chat was next to impossible so she asked that I send my thoughts in a email to her . Therefore for three hours I composed a letter throwing my entire heart out to her. I made sure no possible secret was not revaled and told her my entire history from age 9 and up as well as the present situation and how much I still love her even after what she did. She had spoken the words " maybe a cmpromise can be made" earlier but she had explained nothing more. She hasnt had time to get to her emails , most likely not untill this evening. I have no idea how she will respond. I guess by putting all my cards on the table it can either save things or possiblibly sink me. Im hoping that she will see were Im coming from understand that this person loves her and wants to be at her side through life but at the same time cant just change who they are. Thanks again for all the wonderful insights. --Wendy:hugs:

[frillysilky]

I'm not sure what I would do, but I think part of my reaction would be to remind her hourly for the next 2 months how I contribute and support her and my family and how sad her actions have made me feel. I'm not sure I would accept any response from her other than a full appology and her credit card so I could replace what she took with new stuff. She has disrespected you, not only for what she did, but also for not telling you her feelings for so long. How is she going to make this better?

I think it's time to make the hard decision. If you think your relationship is worthwhile saving, then you must do everything you can to save it. Even if it means giving up your crossdressing. If you feel that your crossdressing is a precursor to the ultimate transgender decision, then that is the way for you. Either way, you must sort your head out and stick with your decision. Things may change in the future, so hang in there and things will work out for you. Just don't do anything silly.

All the best to you.:love:

[KayC]

I agree with Satrana on this. I would require counseling if she wants to save the marriage. I don't think anything but a third party would be able to get through to her. I hope you haven't made a mistake by putting everything in email to her...you weren't able to trust her before, what makes you think you can trust her now? If she takes your email to a custody attorney, what do you think will happen? You are responding out of love but please be smart about it and watch your back while you're at it...she's already shown you what she's made of...unless something changes, as Satrana talked about, a higher level of understanding of you, be prepared for the worst. There's a lot of people here who feel this would be a deal breaker...she is fortunate to have someone as forgiving and caring as you.

[Yolanda_Voils]

I feel she was reckless by removing YOUR belongings without any consultation.

There should have been some talk about this, and a understanding or a demand on her part..

To remove anyones stuff like this is out and out WRONG..
Especially since she was aware..

I have NO advice about how to proceed..

I AM so sorry..

Hugs
Yolanda

[Sheila]

Wendy I have just read your latest post, I wish you the very very best ........... from here on, no matter what, honesty please :hugs:

[Karen564]

Best of Luck to you Wendy!!!

You now have all your cards out on the table, and now it's up to her to show her hand..
Either way it turns out, you can now stand tall..with or w/o heels..:)

:hugs:

[rcbob]

Good luck!

[PheonaP]

My thoughts are with you Wendy. :hugs:

[Lynnda1951]

Wendy,

It seems a lot of people in this thread want to play the blame game. I wouldn't know how to begin counting the votes on whether you get the most blame or your wife does. I read your history, so to speak, by looking at your past threads. Please consider the following.

In a number of your first posts we found that you told your wife your 12 year hidden secret. No, she was't happy about it and felt betrayed. Who wouldn't? For all that time, you were her husband and now she has to deal with her husband and "Wendy". She finally conceded that you could dress and go to a support group but she would have nothing to do with either and did not want to see you dressed.

I have read stories like this for years. Some would say you should have told your wife before you married and others would say it wasn't necessary. To tell or not to tell, no matter when, requires you know your SO very well. Your SO's reaction to your CDing is still a crap shoot. I think you can find that there are successful CD/SO relationships and marriages that started with the SO finding out about the CD's secret both before and after marriage/long term relationship. Given that hind sight is 20-20, it appears that you should have told her before you married.

Getting back to your past threads. I noticed you were fullfilling your desire to be dressed in public on a more frequent basis as time went on. You had your femme stuff stored in your own room at home. I have to wonder if you dressed at home then went out from your home to any of your destinations. I also have to wonder if you were publically dressed in your home town. You mentioned a number of encounters with people. Some accepting and others not. I also noticed a number of comments in this thread wondering what triggered your SO's actions. It appears your SO might have been more accepting of your CDing by the mere fact she bought you a number of women's clothes.

So, what caused the blow up? It appears you have a couple of strikes against you already because you didn't tell your SO soon enough i.e. she feels betrayed and is worried about your son finding out. I hope what triggered this blow up isn't strike three. Did you ever consider what your SO meant when she said was embarrased? Perhaps it is possible that she learned you were outside of the house and in public dressed. And that someone could have been recognized you in your hometown or you have been observed leaving home dressed. If so, perhaps someone told your SO they saw you dressed or someone told someone who told your SO. If your SO had no desire to see you dressed then can you imagine what she would think or do if she found out you were scampering around town dressed? Maybe this is why she blew up on you?

The best thing I have heard in this thread is that marriage counseling is in order. Ideally for both of you. It is too easy to say that if she loved you she would accept it. Its too easy to say your loyalty is to your family and not Wendy. Its too easy to say be true to yourself and continue CDing even if it costs you your family. What is not easy is facing your problems and finding which of these actions is best for all. You have your lifelong desire to CD and she doesn't like it. IMHO you BOTH should get joint counseling with a counselor that understands crossdressing. Your SO should deal with her feelings about your CDing and you should deal with your feelings about giving up Wendy. If your SO won't go with your then go a lone and go soon. After counseling, someone has to make a choice on whether to keep your marriage intact or split up. The choice may not be the right choice for all but it will be an informed choice.

If you truly love each other compromise and work it out! Your family and Wendy is at stake.

Both of you a rough road ahead. I feel awful for both you and your SO. I thought about this for 4 or 5 hours before writing. I hope what I said did not offend you or anyone else. Take care!

[KayC]

IMHO you BOTH should get joint counseling with a counselor that understands crossdressing. After counseling, someone has to make a choice on whether to keep your marriage intact or split up.

I did not take the time to read all of your past threads, but this person cared enough to do so and then responded accordingly. I have to agree with the above quoted statements. Whether or not you told your wife after marriage...it's done now, you had your reasons, and it can't be gone back and redone. Whether or not you have dressed in your hometown, possibly causing embarrassment to your wife isn't the point either...if you did, it's done, it can't be redone either. It could be the marriage is done too. But if you both want to save it, it seems your best chance is to both get joint marriage counseling with a counselor that understands cross-dressing. A good counselor starts with a non-judgmental stance and brings you both to a "what can we do now" approach. This often involves concessions and changes on both parts to bring them together. I really don't see how, if one is a crossdresser, they can give it up. But there can be compromise as to when, where, how often, how much time and $ spent on it, etc. Personally, if I had a husband that had something that important to him, I'd want to be somewhat involved in it at least...but then I don't see the point of being married to live separate lives. But then you two have a child...that is a pretty good reason to try and work things out...if it's possible. It can't be all your wife's way though, it seldom works when one person tries to control and call all the shots. But then again, she might be feeling that way too if you've called all the shots up to now. Maybe that is the straw that broke the camel's back...we don't know here because we haven't had the benefit of her perspective. I am sympathetic to your plight and am really hoping the two of you can get some help sorting this out and arriving at some common direction. Good luck to both of you.

[Jeanna]

Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. shes known about my CDing for over two years now. She just told me after i found my room ran sacked with hangers laying all over that she doesnt want it in the house no more. She added that she has decided that she will nver accept that part of my life but that she still loves me. Im so depressed. She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy:sad:

I'm sorry you were so so screwed over!
If it were me I would be furious! I think I would return the favour when she's out of house.Remember "war of The Roses" Maybe you were a threat to her, more feminine, more pretty. I'm so pissed....

Jeanna

[wendy68]

Well I came from work and she responded. After I told her about my life past and present she has decided that I can dress if its not anywhere near the house so that she doesnt have see anything of my stuff or my son ever seeing me. I didnt have any plans to have my son see me anyways. she told me she doesnt want to see any femme things in the house period ever and that Id better keep all of my things out of her sight. She was quite angry in her email to me but at the same time she was apologizing for what she did to me and that she does understand . I dont think she has a full understanding but I dont want to rock the boat by saying anything about the topic at least for right now. She told me that I could work it out with my mother to dress in her patio room about a mile from our house. My mother is supportive of me and in recent chatwith her she said she wished Id have brought my stuff to her place long ago. I wish I had a crystal ball a week ago. She doesnt like the idea me dressing in our town at all otherwise. She did say that she didnt mind me dressing out of town and that I could still go to my support group and dress which is 2 hours away. Phew, i feel better even with the increased restrictions. I know that some of the responses to this thread said I should be upset and believe me I was but I also feel her sorrow for the deception to her for almost thriteen years. I also understand her fear about my son find ing out . In my email to her I poured it all out and it took three hours . I guess I reached some part of her. We actually kissed tonight a peck but That was huge since she was just one step from calling a lawyer to file divorce. Im not exactly out woods yet in that she had wrote out a full plan for us after the divorce along with flip floping weeks so each of could have equal time wit my son. this was all said in the email to warn me not to test her restrictions. Even though I plan to agree to her terms since this means I get to keep my family together, dress and attend my support group along with the friends Ive made in group, i still fear that some day she might leave me anyways. I know , i know I should be content with the current situation but it still worries me. I hope that from complying with her boundaries things will get better between us. Since she took all my stuff to the dump I have to start from scratch but I will get a basic look in a fairly short time. Clothes and make-up easy. Being Holloween is a bit of luck when it comes to wigs. Wth all my stuff she got my preium wigs from Paula Young, ouch. Oh well it will takes some time to re establish but I will get there. About a half hour after she sent me the message I was told to go for a ride to get some milk. Well I got the milk, along with another bag in my deep coat pocket full of all kinds of make up from a dollor store nearby. I went downstairs and put it in one of my gun lockers , very safe. I plan to get a couple of cabinets that can be locked via pad lock so to maintain her limits that nothing is to be seen Well i guess Im getting tired good night and hugs to all--Wendy:hugs:

[Ralph]

Glad to hear the situation has cooled off for now at least. Your job going forward is to make sure she knows you are still the man she fell in love with, and you still think she's the most important person in your life... and prove that by your actions, not your words.

[RoxieInWa]

My wife responded to your story in much harsher terms than Latindancer did. But my wife is from NYC and she is quick to sweep aside that which is in her way.

My heart broke for you. I'm so sad to read it. Hopefully it was caused by a false fear she has that can be overcome or resolved by talking about it

My guess is there is much you two have not discussed yet regarding both of your feelings on this subject. My prayer is that something good can come out of this and you can re-build your collection knowing your wife really understands your heart and trusts you.

Cheers to you GG's and SO's who do accept us, love us, and understand who we really are inside.

[Satrana]

Wendy

I am glad she is at least prepared to talk and work things out even though it has not conceded much. I hope you know that she is hiding behind your son. Invoking the well being of children is typical of spouses who wish to avoid their own feelings and so deflect the argument onto the children since it is impossible to argue against. Obviously your son would automatically assume any femme articles he came across were your wife's. And children are almost always accommodating even if he were to find out since the love between a parent and child is strong and unconditional.


Im not exactly out woods yet in that she had wrote out a full plan for us after the divorce along with flip floping weeks so each of could have equal time wit my son. this was all said in the email to warn me not to test her restrictions. I hope I don't offend but your wife sounds like a control freak. This level of manipulation is akin to emotional blackmail designed to give all the power in the relationship to her. That is an extremely unhealthy situation and is far removed from anything called love. This sounds to me your wife sees your relationship as nothing more than a marriage of convenience.



i still fear that some day she might leave me anyways. I know , i know I should be content with the current situation I share your fear. Your wife is not willing to tackle her own feelings which means the bitterness inside her has not been addressed. Nothing has been resolved. It will likely flare up again in a year or two. You should not be content with this. You will suffer psychological damage having to live with your freedom to be yourself being controlled by your spouse wondering when she will throw out your things again. When the power equilibrium is unbalanced, the weaker party loses their self esteem and withdraws into a shell. You need to see a councilor even if it just yourself to discuss how this is going to affect you and ultimately your son if the relationship is dysfunctional.:hugs:

[Sheila]

Wendy I am glad things are looking better, give her time and maybe things will improve, not saying they will, but maybe just maybe ........... at least for sure you know she loves you even if she cannot cope in any way shape or form with seeing you dressed ............ and hey out of this huge mess, you have gained a positive even if it is inly a tiny one, she knows this is a part of who oyu are, that it is not going to go away and is trying to cope with all of it now instead of totally ignoring it.

Good luck & fingers crossed for you both :hugs:

[kellycan27]

Well Kelly, unlike many of us CD/TS, you have not had things so hard. You are one of those who passes easily, lives this perfect life as a woman and you love to boast about it here...
However, for most CD/TS here, things tend to be harder. I think if you didn't have this perfect life you would probably empathize more with some of our sisters who have had to go thru hell at times.

Well Nicole... I think unlike many of you cd/ts I have the ability to look at both sides of the equation fairly. If you read my first post in this thread you'd see that I do empathize with wendy. but I can also see her wife's point of view. Not many of you cd/ts seem to want to take into account that the fact that Wendy (for whatever her reasons) blindsided her wife after many years. Everyone seems to want to lay blame on Wendy's wife.. she's the bad guy.
I have read countless threads about un-accepting SO's and it's always the same... BOO HOO, and always the same reaction from the cder's THE UNACCEPTING SO is to blame......and the cd'er who hides, and lies and deceives is always the victim. They can lie and hide and deceive their loved ones because their lives are so darn hard...and people are going to agree, because if they didn't, how could they rationalize their own actions when the time comes?

[Aleca]

I have been online 13 years but never heard a story quite like this one. I don't think throwing out your personal belongings (clothing) was very respectful of your wife. My wife has never thrown out any of my clothing. If she finds something, she will stick it out in plain view so that I am aware she has seen it. She has asked me to get rid of stuff before, I have even gotten rid of clothing to make her happy before. Even if I'm gone out of town she won't get rid of it because she knows it's still mine. Better way would have been to ask you to keep your clothing somewhere else, like at your mothers or in a storage.

[Fab Karen]

( #113) Satrana has some good advice. If there's any hope of a lasting loving marriage, it will take couples therapy.


"I have read countless threads about un-accepting SO's and it's always the same... BOO HOO, and always the same reaction from the cder's THE UNACCEPTING SO is to blame......and the cd'er who hides, and lies and deceives is always the victim. They can lie and hide and deceive their loved ones because their lives are so darn hard...and people are going to agree, because if they didn't, how could they rationalize their own actions when the time comes?"
Nicole Erin's opinion of your life isn't shared.Many of us do not support lying/hiding from a partner. Generalizations only lead us further from reality.
There's two issues here- one being the hiding/deceiving, the other is an abusive controlling partner. "do as I tell you" isn't compromise, & not a loving union.
If the situation was reversed, would it be ok if Wendy had suffered some hurt & responded by throwing out all of her wife's things?

[Vicky_Scot]

She is a dictator not a wife. Who the hell does she thing she is doing this to you?

Sorry if my wife did this to me, that would be the end of the marriage.

She has shown that she has no respect for you and you need that in a marriage.

Xx Vicky xX

[Kathy4ever]

I can feel your pain. I'm more in the closet. She has thrown stuff away before. Last week she threw more of my stuff away, Even found a nightie in the back of my drawer. Never said a word. I've been cold and pissed since. We still never talk about it. It is lonely. Not sure where this is heading but one of us will blow a gasket eventually.I wish you luck in your endeveours. It is a shame we can't just be who we are without a being judged and sentenced to silence.

[TorieGG]

WOW! Did something happen that she's not telling you about? This is a really drastic act that I don't think I would even THINK of doing without something major happening. It's kind of like when a wife finds her husband is cheating and she throws his clothes out on the front lawn. Maybe trying to find out if there was a reason for doing that might be helpful. If she's known for 2 years it just doesn't add up that she would do this without any other provocation. That conversation also might open up the communication to how important this is in your life.

[Monica93304]

Well, she has you by the b@lls unless you refuse. She is a dictator. Are you willing to live under those kinds of conditions? Seems like she would use your son against you at anytime. I dont care how long you've been hiding this Wendy. What she's doing isn't right. For those of us that have or have had supportive SO's, we've been lucky. But I can't imagine going through this myself Wendy.

I would make sure that i love myself enough to not put up with that kind treatment by my SO. Talk about being in the dog house. That's BS girl, and you know it.

Good luck.

[AmandaM]

Since she feels angry that you "lied" to her all these years, she has a right to her feelings. She doesn't have the right to tell you how to behave "or else". The "or else" part if not conducive to a relationship. That's the part she needs to work on. If it doesn't improve over time, and you still have a "dictatorship", I see problems for you.

[Lady JayDee]

Well there is a lot of ridiculous stuff on this thread that I will not even waste my time responding to. All I will say is that how some CDers can slag off "females" and then go on to complain about the gender divisions and how CDers are discriminated against- well I really dont understand that.

To the OP..I completely understand why you are upset but what I would say is rather than take this one event in isolation, in order to resolve it you need to look at the bigger picture. All I can gauge from this thread is what your wife is like from her actions of throwing your belongings away. But she has known for quite some time before this event so what has happened to cause her to do this?

Has she had external factors causing her stress and she has focussed on your crossdressing to take it out on? Have you done anything differently that would cause her to wobble or worry and feel differently about your dressing?

Before you do anything drastic remember that she HAS been accepting for quite some time so if this is the first occasion she has objected (and yes it is extreme and she is in the wrong for throwing away your things) then maybe she deserves the benefit of the doubt and a bit of understanding about why she did this in the first place.

If you delve deeper and discover that there was no ulterior motive other than malice and being horrible then you are quite within your right to end things but I personally think that you should give a chance as she has previously given you the opportunity to explore what you need to.

[Misty is Kindafem]

Well Kelly, unlike many of us CD/TS, you have not had things so hard. You are one of those who passes easily, lives this perfect life as a woman and you love to boast about it here...

Hang on a minute, nobody here has any idea about the relative "hardness" of Kelly's life. It's true that she is gorgeous and super hot and inexplicably camera shy but I'll bet you a buck that her path to fabulous has been hard enough that few of us would knowingly endure the same trials.

She may indeed have it all now, but there certainly was also a time when she lost it all and was forced to start a new life.

Passing easily? After years of work and courage sure. That was easy.

Easy? It's doubtful that she looked like the cutie patootie she is now when she first made the decision to go full time. In fact, I would venture to say that her aversion to cameras was probably earned the old fashioned way. It may actually take years of seeing who she is before she will be able to really deal with who she was.

What you call "boasting" is well deserved as far as I'm concerned. She's done the work. I sit here in my gilded closet, carefully choosing who I allow to punch my dance card. Cautiously stepping through the moves while Kelly is courageously taking on each new dance backwards and in high heels.

Please don't discount her point of view just because she's beautiful. There's a word for that isn't there?

-Misty

[Celeste]

Sounds like your mom's patio rm. will have to work now,I would have my stuff secured however,maybe in a locked closet.She may have found out within the last few years ,but I feel these arrangements could have been decided without the invasion of privacy and loss of all your belongings.I too feel this is more about control, judging from what you've told us. Have you thought of asking her if she feels throwing out all your stuff is really going to change the way you feel inside.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Hi Wendy,

I read through most of what is here for you and there is a lot of solid advice once you get past the angry comments.

My two cents worth.

TIME is your biggest advantage in this situation. Patience is your other key player. Right now your S/O is doing a LOT of thinking whether you realize it or not. Sure, what she did was wrong, but at this point there is not much you can do about it save for protecting the things you acquire from this day forward.
Listening to your S/O when she vents will give you insight into her window of the world and the answers you need to move things forward in a positive way. It appears she DOES wanna keep the family together and has begun to COMPROMISE even just a little.
Give her the time and space she needs to process this and you may well see more compromise from her end in the not too distant future.

She may not be interested right now, but you may eventually tell her about the really cool GG's right here in this very forum that will not hesitate to give her an ear, some good advice, and keep it completely private from the rest of the world. Sometimes, having others to talk to that are going through similar situations can really make all the difference.

In the meantime, get YOUR world on the right track both personally and professionally! Keeping busy is a bonafide way of not "thinking" too much lol.

Know that we are still here for you when you need us.

There... now BREATH in ... BREATH out... relax ;)

*much hugs*

Zarabeth

[KayC]

Wendy,
Would it be possible to have your wife post her version on here? It'd be so much easier to see what is going on with both perspectives laid out. Venting is all good, but it seldom accomplishes any significant change, for that we have to see what we're dealing with, often with a fresh perspective.

[kellycan27]

( #113) Satrana has some good advice. If there's any hope of a lasting loving marriage, it will take couples therapy.


"I have read countless threads about un-accepting SO's and it's always the same... BOO HOO, and always the same reaction from the cder's THE UNACCEPTING SO is to blame......and the cd'er who hides, and lies and deceives is always the victim. They can lie and hide and deceive their loved ones because their lives are so darn hard...and people are going to agree, because if they didn't, how could they rationalize their own actions when the time comes?"
Nicole Erin's opinion of your life isn't shared.Many of us do not support lying/hiding from a partner. Generalizations only lead us further from reality.
There's two issues here- one being the hiding/deceiving, the other is an abusive controlling partner. "do as I tell you" isn't compromise, & not a loving union.
If the situation was reversed, would it be ok if Wendy had suffered some hurt & responded by throwing out all of her wife's things?

I agree with you Karen.. Wendy's wife shouldn't have thrown away her things. I think what I was trying to say is that maybe Wendy's wife just got fed up with trying to deal with something that she isn't or may never be comfortable with. I personally think that there is more to this story than meets the eye. Why would someone just snap.. out of the blue and do a complete 180? I don't think people should be so quick to judge
the wife without hearing her side. As I mentioned before, These threads on un accepting SO's are plentiful, and the blame seems to fall on the unaccepting SO rather than the cder who for the most parts gets absolution from the rest.
And let me just ask you one thing........... Did Wendy give her wife the opportunity to compromise from the get go? Nope, not one thought was given to her wants or desires. Wendy was actually the controlling one, by omission.. how loving was that? Are we supposed to look at that as water under the bridge?


And finally............ Nicole Erin has no clue as to how easy or hard my life has been. Her opinion about my life and $3.00 will get her a crummy cup of coffee at Starbucks. ... if she has the nerve to go out in public that is :heehee:

Kelly

[wendy68]

I agree with you Karen.. Wendy's wife shouldn't have thrown away her things. I think what I was trying to say is that maybe Wendy's wife just got fed up with trying to deal with something that she isn't or may never be comfortable with. I personally think that there is more to this story than meets the eye. Why would someone just snap.. out of the blue and do a complete 180? I don't think people should be so quick to judge
the wife without hearing her side. As I mentioned before, These threads on un accepting SO's are plentiful, and the blame seems to fall on the unaccepting SO rather than the cder who for the most parts gets absolution from the rest.
And let me just ask you one thing........... Did Wendy give her wife the opportunity to compromise from the get go? Nope, not one thought was given to her wants or desires. Wendy was actually the controlling one, by omission.. how loving was that? Are we supposed to look at that as water under the bridge?


And finally............ Nicole Erin has no clue as to how easy or hard my life has been. Her opinion about my life and $3.00 will get her a crummy cup of coffee at Starbucks. ... if she has the nerve to go out in public that is :heehee:

Kelly

Hi Kelly , I certainly do take responsiblity for the actions my wife has taken due to oringinal deception only revealed a few years ago ,but I feel she could of at least let me get my stuff out of the house to my moms or another friends house to store. I honestly never saw her doing something like this. The only thing that i did find out was that her close girlfriend has been talking to her and reinforcing to her how if it was her finding out , that she would of called it quits straight away. Im not saying that this helped spark this action of hers , but its a very possible connection in that they are the closest of friends and my wife takes her advice seriously in general. I know you spoke ok of control. I truly dont want to control anyone espiecially her , it would be a impossible task even if I wanted to . I made a difficult decision two years ago by telling her. I knew the risks, but I also knew that marriage is something that requires honesty between both people if one , the other or both can have a change to grow. my thinking at the time was that if I could free myself of the burden of hiding to my closest friend {my wife}, that it would make me a better spouse for her in the long run in that my total being could be allowed to express itself in "yes " a controlled fashion set by her boundaries. I respect her very much but I couldnt keep lying to her anymore. Believe me , I wish I could of had the courage to be up front with her all those years ago.

[MizT]

I am so sorry for you dear....really, that was uncalled for.

[ashlee chiffon]

One always wonders what would tip the scales and push one postal???....well....this is Reeeeal close!!!:angry::Punch:

[Fab Karen]

I agree with you Karen.. Wendy's wife shouldn't have thrown away her things. I think what I was trying to say is that maybe Wendy's wife just got fed up with trying to deal with something that she isn't or may never be comfortable with. I personally think that there is more to this story than meets the eye. Why would someone just snap.. out of the blue and do a complete 180? I don't think people should be so quick to judge
the wife without hearing her side. As I mentioned before, These threads on un accepting SO's are plentiful, and the blame seems to fall on the unaccepting SO rather than the cder who for the most parts gets absolution from the rest.
And let me just ask you one thing........... Did Wendy give her wife the opportunity to compromise from the get go? Nope, not one thought was given to her wants or desires. Wendy was actually the controlling one, by omission.. how loving was that? Are we supposed to look at that as water under the bridge?

Mental illness does exist. Some people snap with no provocation at all.
I think the greatest judgement of SO's is of the ones who were told from the beginning, and said,"that's ok, no problem" and then later say they're leaving because,"you're sick." Many of us DO say hiding it from a partner is a huge mistake, as well as not loving. As I said in this case:
There's two issues here- one being the hiding/deceiving, the other is an abusive controlling partner. "do as I tell you" isn't compromise, & not a loving union.
Two wrongs don't make a right- not excusing Wendy's hiding it, and not excusing her wife's over the line actions out of the blue, when she'd sent a different message before.

[Satrana]

Wendy's wife did not do a 180, she simply revealed her true feelings that she had been hiding for the past couple of years. The pressure of hiding these feelings and feigning acceptance builds up inside like a pressure cooker. One day you snap when you cannot take it anymore.

Looking at the controlling measures and emotional blackmail that followed, she appears to have thrown a track. She cannot relate to her husband as an equal loving partner. This has affected her more deeply than she is willing to admit and she is making the wrong choices in trying to resolve her inner conflict.

[kellycan27]

Wendy's wife did not do a 180, she simply revealed her true feelings that she had been hiding for the past couple of years. The pressure of hiding these feelings and feigning acceptance builds up inside like a pressure cooker. One day you snap when you cannot take it anymore.

Looking at the controlling measures and emotional blackmail that followed, she appears to have thrown a track. She cannot relate to her husband as an equal loving partner. This has affected her more deeply than she is willing to admit and she is making the wrong choices in trying to resolve her inner conflict.

Making the wrong choices,like maybe she was worried about the loss of family,friends, Wendy's job? Worried about her security,her children? Kinda sounds like a familiar scenario... only in reverse, Are her reasons are trumped by the cder who does the same thing?
Couldn't the wife feel as though she were being emotionally blackmailed into accepting the CDing out of fear of the break-up of her family or...?
How can you say that the wife has made the wrong choices when she may have made her choices out of the fear of self preservation when the CD has done exactly the same thing? This isn't just about "tossing" belongings. That was probably done out of frustration.. it goes way deeper than that.

[Sheila]

that Wendy has accepted for now her wifes restrictions, and wish them both luck on the journey, maybe if we send them both some positivity it will help :)

[ashlee chiffon]

Except, of course, that 67.59% of people on this site are married, and another 11.03% have been married and did not divorce on account of cross-dressing. The down side: 3.10% have divorced because of cross-dressing.

Source: poll on this forum April 2007.

Life ain't as simple as you think, Ashlee.
______ohh??? I'll put my 7 yr. study and degree in humanistic psychology up against such simple statistics...and people Do go Postal when provoked...
and.... so, are those statistics are supposed to Prove whatever point you were trying to make?

[Seagull]

I spent a bit scanning the post so far in this thread, and I feel like I would like to offer my opinions to the OP.
From my perspective, You have had an emotional outburst by your wife towards your crossdressing, and she has offered a resolution that does allow you expression of it as long as she does not need to deal with it.
I think there may be some other issues in the marriage that need some work as well, like communication as well as coming to understand each other to work towards a concensus that can actually work.

Get counciling. But do it with a provider experienced with both relationship and gender issues. A thrid party may help you two work out what both of your needs are as a mediator and allow you to both have space to talk out issues.
What has been offered as a solution is but a band aid to a more serious set of issues.

YIS,
WRI

[kellycan27]

that Wendy has accepted for now her wifes restrictions, and wish them both luck on the journey, maybe if we send them both some positivity it will help :)

Agreed, and discussed in a pm with Wendy.

[Fab Karen]

Making excuses for the wife is as bad as excusing the CD who hides it from their partner. Double standards have nothing to do with fairness, and encourage bad relationships.
Hopefully therapy will be sought. Beyond the wife showing true remorse for her actions, it's key for gaining understanding ( on both sides ) and communications skills to avoid a repeating pattern.