Which would your partner find easier to accept?

[Ashley Williams]

OK - here's a poser for you real girls out there, although I suppose it could be relevant to anyone.

If you had the choice to be told that your partner had had an affair, or was a transvestite, which would you find easier to handle - and why?
__________________

[Sheila]

both could be difficult to deal with if he was not the one telling me as there would then be trust issues for me to handle :sad: and it would depend on when he was telling me about the TGism, by that I mean how long into our relationship he was telling me :straightface:

[tazthis]

I will say transvestite, definitly!!! An affairs hurts peoples self esteem. My SO cding has not much to do with me in a sense and affair would have everything to do with our relationship.

[Ann Thomas]

Wow, that's a hard one to call.

Affair - it's pretty devastating to have that happen, and can be either only a one time thing, or can be recurring.

Trans - it's for life, but it's not violating trust, unless you knew that before you married and hid it.

I guess it just depends on how each came about and how it's brought out into the open.

Ann

[PetiteDuality]

I think that one of the worst phrases to get out of the closet with the SO is "Honey, I'm a crossdresser. But at least I don't cheat you"

It's a hard question. I just hope it's not intended to make us feel good, because "we are better than cheaters". I just don't judge other people (or at least try not to)

[angpai30]

I think an affair would be devestating, but finding out they were a crossdresser would be difficult if they hadn't told me about it first and let me make the decision before I married them. It would cause lack of trust and from all of the self help books I have read say that you behave yourself into behaviors, such as, lying to your spouse about cding and, or having an affair.

[scarlett]

My wonderful wife has told me that an affair would have been easier to deal with.

[Sara Jessica]

My wonderful wife has told me that an affair would have been easier to deal with.

Interestingly, I was told the exact same thing.

Mine has known since before we were married but this comment came after I confessed that my TG nature has been with me since my earliest memories (rather than just a dressing thing, her words, not mine).

An affair though would be a deal-breaker, yet we're still happily married. So much for the comment.

[christinek]

Interesting, for me the "other woman" is me, I am committed. My SO knows it and accepts this like a halloween costume, at least I think so. She is supportive.

[Andy66]

It's all about the amount of deceit involved. Cheating will always be one of the most horrible things one partner can do to the other, no matter what the excuses are. Crossdressing can range anywhere from positive self-discovery to neutral to betrayal depending on the circumstances.

[sherri52]

If I were a GG I would rather my spouse wear womens clothes than to cheat on me. I may not appreciate the clothing issue, but what did I do wrong that he had to go elsewhere for companionship and or sex.

[giuseppina]

I'm not a GG either, to me an affair is one of the worst things in a marriage. It's a blatant betrayal of trust. Abuse of any kind is another. There's a lot of stuff I would put up with, but affairs and abuse are not among them.

Cheers
Giuseppina

[DemonicDaughter]

I'm sure to be the odd one here, but I feel there is absolutely NO comparison! Being told someone wears women's clothing and wants to become a woman or knowing that they violated the very sanctity of your relationship?! How can that even be a question?

I'd like to state now, that I understand fully that this can be something completely devastating to some people, but I honestly believe there is a level of compromise that can be achieved. I personally feel that almost anything, shy of abuse, is possible to recover from EXCEPT affairs. Hell even a one night stand is easier to deal with than the amount of effort that has to be put into an affair.

[Julie-Ann Fletcher]

Hi Girls,


this topic has rung some bells for me,my wife kind of knows i cross dress although she does not know how serious i am about it,the thought of me growing breasts and a full removal of the girls sounds really good to me :D

Our sexless marriage over the last few years has led me to believe that she MUST be getting it else where if you know what i mean.

Distrusting of me i know but rightly so as i found some rubbers in her pocket some time ago (she said they were a work colleagues :devil: ) Yeah right :thumbsdn::thumbsdn: bullshit

On the odd occasion i would have a look through her stuff,knicker draw,pockets and her bag (wrong i know but there you go)

I found an envelope containing some print outs from msn conversations that she has with a male at work.

In these conversations they get pretty close talking about what underwear they are both wearing and flashing her chest at him etc etc

They even talk about a wet patch on her skirt and buying sexy underwear on-line and having it delivered to work.

And red bum cheeks,handcuffs etc etc etc


I could go on and on and on


The bottom line of this is i don't know how to deal with this but to say i'm gutted is an understatement :Angry3::Angry3:


So i think it would be a lot easier to deal with a cder than an affair



Hope i have not bored you girls :o



Avril xx :love:

[Ashley Williams]

Hi Girls,


this topic has rung some bells for me,my wife kind of knows i cross dress although she does not know how serious i am about it,

Our sexless marriage over the last few years has led me to believe that she MUST be getting it else where if you know what i mean.


So i think it would be a lot easier to deal with a cder than an affair


Hope i have not bored you girls :o


Avril xx :love:

Why on earth would this be boring?

My first marriage was marred by my wife's and my inability to come to terms with each others needs as we developed.

Although we talked, including about my dressing, and it was tolerated to a large degree we were both very self-conscious about our needs.

After the marriage ended, I discovered that my wife had been having an affair for the last year we were together, and one reason for her tolerance was that she was no longer interested.

In my marriage now, although ostensibly saying 'zero tolerance' my wife and I are finally talking about a compromise situation. However, it was she who offered the opinion that an affair, admitted and dealt with as an awful mistake could have been an easier matter to deal with.

We can't have it both ways. If you are not dealing with your wife's affair because you are defensive about your dressing (just guessing) then neither of you are getting what you want.

Do you want your marriage to continue?

[Marijka]

Trust is very important. I told my SO when we started becoming serious about each other. Being a CDer is easier that having an affair, that would destroy our marriage

[Shari]

This isn't the right place to get a real objective opinion or honest answers.
The gg's that are on here probably won't even bother much with answering. They already support their husbands. That's why they're here.

It's like going to a bar and asking the patrons if they supported a liquor tax.

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Paula,

I know this will sound funny, but based on what my wife has told me, my CDing is the worst thing in the world. We have never specifically discussed the effects of an affair, but her current opinion is, "nothing is worse than you dressing like a woman, I married a man, nor a god damn woman."

I can understand her stance as I didn't tell her of my dressing prior to our getting married, but still, it is a part of me and I feel that she should try and accept me.

Nicole

[TxKimberly]

Yup, my wife once told me that an affair might have been nicer. Her words: "At least that's 'normal'. " :(

[Ashley Williams]

Yup, my wife once told me that an affair might have been nicer. Her words: "At least that's 'normal'. " :(

Exactly! My wife has also suggested that it would be possible to tell friends and members of the family that I had had an affair - but that she could never tell them that I cross dress.


Hi Paula,

... my CDing is the worst thing in the world. ... "nothing is worse than you dressing like a woman, I married a man, nor a god damn woman."

I can understand her stance as I didn't tell her of my dressing prior to our getting married, but still, it is a part of me and I feel that she should try and accept me.

Nicole

Yes - this is the track I am on. Even since the beginning of the weekend the air has cleared tremendously because we are talking - and Rosemarie might even join the forum, something I would have liked her to do from the start - but the fact that when I did tell her, early on in our relationship, that what I was disclosing was part of my past, she never considered that it might be part of our future.

I didn't encourage her to think about that either, but I did collect a lot of material for her to read, and as far as I know it was never touched.

[PortiaHoney]

My wife and second partner (2) both told me that they hated the idea of me crossdressing as they felt they could compete with another female but they couldn't compete with the female inside my head. They thought the same way about it as if I was gay - unable to compete. My wife wasn't understanding though she did try and then my partner positively encouraged my CD'ing and then couldn't come to terms with it when I got right into it.

So, unless you have a partner who is very secure in the relationship and understanding of your needs and you can oviously demonstrate who is more important, either option is very detrimental to a stable relationship. Duh, how is having an affair a demonstration of a stable relationship?

I see it as a very stange state of affairs when the biggest symptom of a relationship being in trouble (affair) is preferable to a CD'ing partner who offers no threat to the relationship (except he MIGHT want to be she? or vice versa).

I had just wished that they both would have been more understanding and we may have still been together. Obviously these are consecutive relationships and not concurrent. lol

[PretzelGirl]

My wife is quite okay with the dressing but would be devastated if I had an affair. One thing I believe I am sensing here is that those that say their wife thinks the dressing is worse are those that told them sometime into their marraige. Am I reading into this too much? The reason is that to them, it may give them the same type of feeling as an affair would.

[TGMarla]

Yup, my wife once told me that an affair might have been nicer. Her words: "At least that's 'normal'. " :(


Yeah, there's that word again. "Normal". My wife watches a lot of Lifetime, Dateline, 48 hours, all of which have a nasty habit of portraying the seedier side of men as louts, wife-beaters, cheaters, crumbs, slobs, murderers, two-timers, self centered boors, and any number of other really fun adjectives. So had I ever cheated, she'd get all the negative reinforcement of that unfortunate stereotype she ever needed. But she'd see it as normal. She'd leave me for sure, but view it as normal.

But this crossdressing thing, well, she never ever wants to see me en femme...period. It's just not normal.

[carolmello]

As a GG I've told my husband that an affair is far more devestating than his cding. I can't begin to fathom the idea of an affair because I know how devestating it can be to a marriage. I've also told my husband that if he were to ever change his gender forever then I don't think I could stay with him. Now I don't mind him dressing because I know inside he still wants to be a man and has NO desire what so ever to change genders (as he has validated that numerous times when he told me about his cding and he's always been open and told me many times since.) To me an affair would be more devestating to handle than him coming to me telling me he wanted to be a cd.

[barbaratv]

Many are saying they told their SO beforehand but what if the cross dressing starts after the marriage? I had desires to CD when I was young but never when I was married nor when I started my new relationship. My SO accepts that I sometimes have a fling but I fear if she also new about my CD impulses as well then this would be too much. You can tell that we have a very good and open relationship but I still fear telling her. Has anyone had the same experience and how did they a) broach the subject and b) what was the reaction?
I still fear my children knowing more than my partner.

[DemonicDaughter]

This isn't the right place to get a real objective opinion or honest answers.
The gg's that are on here probably won't even bother much with answering. They already support their husbands. That's why they're here.

It's like going to a bar and asking the patrons if they supported a liquor tax.

Some of us GGs had already answered by the time you posted this.

Not every GG is here because they support their partners. Many come here seeking answers because they DON'T.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Yeah, there's that word again. "Normal". My wife watches a lot of Lifetime, Dateline, 48 hours, all of which have a nasty habit of portraying the seedier side of men as louts, wife-beaters, cheaters, crumbs, slobs, murderers, two-timers, self centered boors, and any number of other really fun adjectives. So had I ever cheated, she'd get all the negative reinforcement of that unfortunate stereotype she ever needed. But she'd see it as normal. She'd leave me for sure, but view it as normal.

But this crossdressing thing, well, she never ever wants to see me en femme...period. It's just not normal.

Hi Marla
Don't even get me started on Lifetime channel that's
tha most man hateing channel that ever came
down the cable wire.
.
.................................................. .......thanks........ORCHID

[KayC]

It would be easier to accept his being a transvestite...although more permanent than an affair, they are two totally different things. An affair breaks vows, disregards you as their mate, and does lasting damage...the other is just how they are as a person and is not something against you but rather something to do with them. An affair is more about choosing someone over you, even if only for a moment.

For those who think an affair would be easier, I'd have to ask, have they ever BEEN on the receiving end of that news? I've been there in previous relationships and let me tell you, that's the hardest thing in the world. CDing you can get used to...affairs, never!

[AKASadieGG]

Having an affair is something someone consiously does to you. CDing is part of who they are, not something they do to you to hurt you.

[Allsteamedup]

Can I offer a couple of alternative viewpoints?
The cd part of my husband long ago took over our relationship. He will deny this, but he never buys me gifts; he shops on the sly for her even when he is supposed to be on Business. Then no gifts for birthday nor Christmas, "Well, I never know what to get...". He spends enough time shopping for her...
Another woman I could handle. she would be the competition I would know what to do with. In our relationship He is the other woman, much older than me, grey-haired and smelly.
Usually one would denote an affair as a serious level of mis-trust and betrayal, but at least it's a level playing field. Trying to maintain a relationship with someone who's head is somewhere else and whose attraction is actually part of him is much harder, and without end.

[AmiFL]

My wife did not react well to either.........

Although the woman I han affair with loved my crossdressing, go figure.

Ami

[Karren H]

By accept if you mean embrace or forgive or continue to live with in some maner?? Well she would divorce me in a heartbeat if I had an affaid just as I would her.. And since she has known for some 3 years niow and we are still together.. She accepts me as her husband..... who crossdresses but by association she doesn't accelt crossdressing.. So she really doesn't accept either..

[Hope]

Wow... really? We are going to compare crosdressing with an affair?

Lets see what other sorts of BS dichotomies we can assemble to slander people with!

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or having HIV?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or having cancer?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or being gay?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser or being a wife beater?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or being a thief?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or being unfaithful? (oh wait, that is the question the OP actually asked!)

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or being black?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser or a drug dealer?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or being in the mafia?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or molesting children?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or being a Jew?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or being a woman?

Which would be worse, being a crossdresser, or being an alcoholic?

I'm sure we could go on for days - especially when we start swapping things around a bit. What is worse, being black, or being gay?

I don't know about anyone else, but I find the very nature of the question insufferably insulting, the sort of thing I expect from Fox "news" not a member of a crossdressing community.

WE - members of the TG community need to STOP thinking and talking, and posting about ourselves as if what we do makes us the worst, most dreadful, wretched members of society. At least we have to stop thinking about ourselves that way if we want anyone else to stop thinking about us that way.

If nothing else, we need to stop thinking that we are the world's biggest perverts for our own mental health.

And this is how we do it. When someone makes a joke about crossdresser, don't laugh nervously, say "that isn't cool dude." Just like you would when some jerk tells a joke about a woman being nothing but a life support system for a vagina, or when some KKK wanna-be calls African Americans "porch monkeys," or when someone asks if being a crossdresser is worse than being unfaithful. Stand up and tell that jerk that saying things like that, and behaving like that is not acceptable in a civil society. You stand up for other people, stand up for yourself.

Maybe it is time we rip off the skateboarders "Crossdressing is not a crime!"

[DanaR]

Wow... really? We are going to compare crosdressing with an affair?

Lets see what other sorts of BS dichotomies we can assemble to slander people with!

.................................................. ...............................

Maybe it is time we rip off the skateboarders "Crossdressing is not a crime!"

I'm having a problem with this subject as well. Wow!!

[CDgirlfriend]

Either one would bring trust issues for me, if kept as a secret for a long time. But I guess the affair would really hurt. I couldn't stay with someone who cheated on me, that is the lowest thing someone could do in a relationship.

[PetiteDuality]

I'm having a problem with this subject as well. Wow!!

Me too. I think it's intended for people who feels guilty about their CDing to make them feel better about themselves.

[Rebecca Jayne]

Found this note on the fridge...

Hey honey by the way...
I like to dress in women's clothing and I'm having an affair with your best friend.

That would be a real bummer
Period

I don't think you could work your way out of that bucket of ______!

[Karen564]

To me, both can be bad & no doubt violate my trust..

But any affair would break my heart more..along with the sanctity of our marriage..I wouldn't be able to cope with that very well..

[Ashley Williams]

Wow... really? We are going to compare crosdressing with an affair?


I'm having a problem with this subject as well. Wow!!

Well - I'm so glad that there are some of you out there who are so comfortable with who you are, what you do and how you go about it that a genuine question as a result of a genuine partner's response gives you problems.

Happy Days!


Me too. I think it's intended for people who feels guilty about their CDing to make them feel better about themselves.

I do feel guilty - and I am trying to feel better about myself; but do you think it is just OK to say and do something that causes deep pain and hurt to a partner one committed to for life?

I thought the reason for this site was to be able to share both the good and the bad reactions. There are plenty of 'feel better about yourself' opportunities - this is serious!

[Connie D50]

I agree with your post however


I have too say this bring politices into a post was wrong has nothing to do with the question.

Connie

[DemonicDaughter]

I do feel guilty - and I am trying to feel better about myself; but do you think it is just OK to say and do something that causes deep pain and hurt to a partner one committed to for life?

I thought the reason for this site was to be able to share both the good and the bad reactions. There are plenty of 'feel better about yourself' opportunities - this is serious!

When sharing your good and bad reactions, you have to expect good AND bad reactions to them!

This site is about support, yes, and that includes people who feel quite differently than you do. People who are going to offer their opinions on your posts because that's what this site is about, everyone sharing their experiences.

A lot of people on here think there are FAR worse things that someone could do other than CD. I'm one of them and I'm a GG. I think comparing CDing and the sanctity of marriage is ridiculous in that one is a matter of personal expression and one is a complete violation of trust and love! Many are right to compare it to the extremes!

Perhaps your wife means it, or perhaps she said it as a comparison to her pain, not the actual deed. Many people do extreme comparisons when hurt. And many can easily associate the behaviors of CDing with an affair. But until you actually do... well then we'd have a true comparison on which would be worse.

[Ashley Williams]

When sharing your good and bad reactions, you have to expect good AND bad reactions to them!

This site is about support, yes, and that includes people who feel quite differently than you do. Perhaps your wife means it, or perhaps she said it as a comparison to her pain ... But until you actually do... well then we'd have a true comparison on which would be worse.

A helpful reminder - thanks! Hopefully my wife will soon be able to share too - as she has applied to join the site.

[TorieGG]

I was actually afraid my husband WAS having an affair. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was. While I wasn't THRILLED that he was wearing women's clothes it was better than finding out he was having an affair. Everyone is different but that's how I felt.:2c:

[KateW]

My wife already has accepted that I am a crossdresser. I reckon she'd kill me if I ever had an affair - not that I would!