I know I should decline the offer....but....

[StaceyJane]

I'm posting this here because I because I really need to let this out and there is no one I know around here that I can discuss this with.

I have been talking to online therapist for about a year now. We have been having having weekly sessions over the telephone. My therapist Barbara has very very good for me and has been a lot of help. In order to help me financially she has lowered her regular rate down to just 18 dollars a session so I could afford regular sessions.
Now I did something I shouldn't have a few months ago. I ordered estrogen online and took it daily for one month. I have already made a long post about this so I won't go into the details.
The point is I didn't tell Barbara what I had done. Not for almost six months, finally yesterday I sent her a long email telling what I did and why. I expected the worst from her but instead I got a surprising response.

Let me show you the what she said.....

This is the most relevant section.


"You need someone qualified to be able to closely monitor the effects of the drug, in case it produced a side effect. By taking you on as a patient, the MD is also taking responsibility to follow up the effects that the meds has on you. As with any other meds, two people may react very differently to the same drug, as each of our body chemistry's are so unique. If these matters arise, the doctor can prescribe you something similar, while ensuring that your health is not jeopardized.

One thing that is certain is that all the hormones in our body are connected, which means that your sex hormones are linked the others, such as the thyroid hormone, insulin, growth hormone, as well as others. They all interact with one another, again according to our own body chemistry. This of course is not my area of expertise, again another reason to consult with a doctor. I am sure that even though your family would be upset about having you as a woman, they would be more devastated by not having you at all.

I would be happy to write this letter for you. However I am not sure that they would accept letter from an on-line, as opposed to face to face counselor, as this is normally the case. Also they may require this letter to be written by a psychologist or psychiatrist. I am a licensed Mental Health Worker, which is sort of like more of a Social Worker in Ontario (the province/state in Canada) which I live. However it never hurts to find out what the specific criteria is for the state of Texas.

In closing I feel that you have found a place of self acceptance to some extent.(certainly I am hearing that you are a lot more comfortable within your own skin than you were before.) So let's focus now on doing so safely! I would ask you as a homework assignment to think about what you might do to meet this goal safely. Should my letter not be accepted, or for whatever reason, you are not able to see someone in person for a couple of months, I would at least highly recommend that you find a doctor whom you feel safe sharing your concerns with. How might you go about finding this safe person for yourself? If you need help with this process I will certainly to my best to ensure, as always, that you get the proper help and care :)"

Wow, that was a surprise!
I didn't bring up the subject of a letter.
My heart says "do it!!!!!!!!"
My mind is terrified at the prospect of coming out. In a way I would just like to see that letter with my name on it.
I'm really a shy person and reveling any personal about myself is so hard. But this would be the next logical step. I want it but I'm scared of coming out and revealing myself and losing my family. I have heard plenty of times that if your not ready to lose everything then you shouldn't do it. So I should say no but I don't want to but lot's of time in life we have to be logical and not emotional.

Stacey

[Veronica_Jean]

Stacy,

First let me say that I could not agree more with seeing a doctor for hormone treatment. But I think you know that already.

In some ways taking that step with or without a doctor says you want it. Using hormones is serious and even if you are not fully conscience of the affects, you are still wanting to move in that direction.

I think the idea that you have to realize some lose everything, others don't. You never know until after you are moving along that path and you can't easily turn back. So, it is prudent to be prepared for the worst and then it is a gift when it is not that bad.

Only you know if it is possible to continue to live with this all inside. Many are not able and so they take the journey. Some start only to stop, and others live without ever trying. The fear of it all is just so crippling.

From my point of view, then worst part is losing yourself by being something you are not for the sake of "what might happen". It could be worse than you can imagine, but likely it will be different, some good, some bad. In the end no matter what, it will be different.

I wih you well. I am moving along the path with more support than I expected. It is not over, and there are a lot of rough parts yet to come. I have lived through a lot long before starting this, and I know I will get through with changes along the way. In the end though, I will finally be comfortable whenever I go anywhere that I am being authentic to myself and everyone else.

Veronica

[Melissa A.]

Hi Stacey,

You've been talking to a therapist. You took the step of ordering and administering hormones. To me, you obviously feel that you need to find out more about your feelings about your gender, as you've been doing. So...why would you feel like you "should decline the offer"? Do you think this is going to go away if you do?(FYI: It never, ever does). The question I would ask myself is, "What am I waiting for?". You certainly aren't the first probable transsexual with issues and concerns regarding family, friends, and work. I sympathise with that, most of us have been there, or are. Clearly, I don't know the details of your life that may be holding you back, besides your self described shyness. I can tell you without any doubt that if you find the small amount of strength it takes to move forward, that will beget more courage and strength. The next step will do the same. And before you know it, you will be wondering what you were afraid of in the first place. This happens. It happens with seeing doctors and therapists. It happen with presenting female in public. It happens with revealing the truth to those we love. To all of us. Every single one of us. I guarantee it. Ask yourself, "If I accept this letter, and see a professional(who I assure you, won't care about your problems or why. It's just their job) what is the absolute worst thing that can happen?"

And what is the probable result if you don't? We have one life here-but enough time for several chances to be who we are and to be happy, as we deserve to be. One of those chances is laying in front of you right now. If you don't take it, it's quite likely that another one may come along, some day, or you will end the pain yourself and make it happen. But life isn't never-ending. and there's still just one for us, as far as we know for sure. And things happen. Things you didnt expect, or plan for, or just plain ol' bad decisions. I don't want to make it seem like Barbara's very compassionate offer is a big, hairy deal. It really isn't. All it is is a chance for you to take another small step, and find your own truth. Do you think you owe that to yourself? Your self-acceptance may be far beyond what it once was, but you do have further to go. true self-acceptance is a long road. I do hope you give yourself the time to make it happen, without wondering why you didnt act sooner. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world, sweetie.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[StaceyJane]

Thanks to both of you for replying. This is an important time for me. I have decided tofind an edocrinologist. I have been looking online for anyone that mentions working with TG's but I haven't found one in my area yet.
Soon I might contact a local group fora recomendation. I would prefer one that has been recomended by someone who is TS.
If any one knows someone in the central Texas area please PM me.

Stacey

[Eileen]

Stacey you should see a doctor sooner rather than later. When a girl is on hormones, she needs to be monitored regularly. To not do so puts you at great risk. Good luck with your transition.

Do not worry about seeing a doctor. Doctors know all about trans-women. You will feel so much better knowing that a doctor is monitoring your health.

Eileen