Oh Crap!

[Kathi Lake]

Looks like I'll be having a talk with my son a bit sooner than I would have liked. I'm on my way to the airport and I get a call, "Dad, we need to talk." I asked what about. He said, "Kathi Lake. What the crap is that?" So, pray for me that it will go well and that I can get across to him that his dad isn't gay or whatever he is thinking.

Sigh.

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Kathi,

Wow, what a way to head out to the airport. I hope that everything goes well. I don't know what age your son is so I will refrain from giving you any ideas or suggestions on how to handle this situation. However, based on past posts from you I am sure that you will make the right decision and handle it properly. Good luck and let us know how everything works out.

Nicole

[Sandygal]

I'm real curious how he came up with the name.

[AmiFL]

Months ago, during a heated arguement with my wife, my son got in the middle in my defense. She looked at him in anger and said "your father likes wearing womans clothes". He looked at me and said "Do you????" My silence gave him his answer. He never brought it up again and our relationship even appears stronger than ever. I haven't broached the subject again, but I will eventually.

You look absolutely beautiful as a woman. If the cat is out of the proverbial bag, let him meet you when you get back. Big talk from a guy who is afraid to start dressing again while I am still im my marraige.........

[kellycan27]

Good luck kathi.
Kel

[Sarah Michelle]

I can only imagine the distress you must be going through. We all try to protect our children from the world for as long as we can. I can't say anything meaningful here except; good luck, I wish you and your son a healthy happy relationship on the other side of that conversation.

[TSchapes]

Hey Kathi, my 15 year old son walked in on Tracy a year ago June. It was a major WTF moment. It was not what my wife nor I had planned, but it worked out OK. He was more upset that I hadn't told him and trusted him. He also came out to us that he is gay. So, some times it just works out for the best.

Whoever said, "Honesty is the best policy" really knew what they were talking about! OK, it was Benjamin Franklin (Darn you Internets! - Stephen Colbert).

PM me if you need any specific help.

Love, Tracy

[Lisa Renee]

Kathi

Good luck with you son. Just hope everything goes well.

[Persephone]

Kathi,

Obviously every situation is different, but, as a family we found ourselves having some "issues" when my son was about 12 years old. My spouse and I decided that one thing that would help was if he knew, so we told him. He's part of the current generation and it didn't seem to phase him.

He says that he is as comfortable with me en femme as he is with me en drab.

And it does get kinda weird when your son says, "Dad, I'm going to Rocky Horror tonight, do you have a pair of heels I can borrow?"

I'm sure you'll handle it well. If I can be of any help, just let me know.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Ann Thomas]

Kathi, I hope all goes well. I told son when he turned 18 two years ago, I waited til then due to issues with my ex. It went well for me, turned out he crossdresses too, and it's not a big deal to his generation, according to him. For us it's genetic, as my dad also crossdressed - don't know about prior generations.

He could have found out thru looking at cookies stored on your computer. I know this site deletes them, but others may not, for example if you have email by the same name. (Just sharing a thought for all of you that are hiding your dressing from anyone in your family.)

PM if or post questions here if you have any - I would be happy to help any way I can.

Hugs,
Ann

[Teri Jean]

Ouch! Did you leave the computer on to this site or did he through his own curiousity stumble on it himself? Good luck Kathi. You are strong and articulate so now is when the rubber meets the road. I wish you the best.

Teri

[RobertaM]

My wife does not want me to tell them,, im ok with that,, im still not comfortable in being girl mode in front of them,, im dad and i ok with that..

may i ask how old is your son.

[Sally2005]

Oh oh... maybe start by asking him why he is asking. Maybe he thinks you have a girl friend. Otherwise, keep it light hearted and make sure he understands you accept yourself and his life isn't going to change.

[Sarah Doepner]

Good luck Kathi. My kids are all adults and I wouldn't want to deal with them finding out and they should be mature enough to handle it. I hope your son has his feet on the ground and ears open when you talk.

And it might be a good time for an attitude adjustment as well. Let him know that regardless of his initial emotional response, "What the crap is that?" is inappropriate when dealing with something this important or serious. Generating the need for respect on this issue may set the tone for a real discussion instead of a blowout.

[Kathi Lake]

I got home. There was a note on the table:


I need more time

I texted him to let me know when he is ready. We'll see what happens. I guess the question on whether or not to reveal myself to him is now moot. I wish the method was different. I still don't know quite how he found out. I guess I'll see - whenever he is ready. He just turned 18, by the way, and is in his second year of college for those wondering his age and maturity level.

Thanks for your kind thoughts.

Kathi

[Lorileah]

That seems like a positive Kathi. He wants to process it instead of melting down outright. We are behind you all the way. :hugs:

[Ann Thomas]

Kathi, I was in the same position just a few months ago - it was the hardest place I'd been in my life, but entirely different circumstances, which I won't go into. It's the waiting, the not knowing what they know or think. I decided that since my son was 19 (at the time) I needed to give him his space. Eventually he came around to give me a piece of his mind - he was really upset. I let him spill his guts. But once I filled him in on the details he didn't know, it helped a huge amount. It took him a while after that, but he eventually came around to rebuild the relationship. Sometimes one has to just let go and let things happen. Hang in there! I'm with you 100%.

Hugs and more hugs,
Ann

[Wen4cd]

He's likely over at a friend's house or dorm reading this exact thread right now.
Been some 'guests' viewing, haven't there?

Hi there kid. Go talk to your dad.

[Miranda09]

You've got your work cut out for you Kathi, but if anyone can handle it, you can. Good luck gf. :)

[PretzelGirl]

I'm with Sally. You might want to consider feeling him out to see what he is thinking. That is if you think you might want to go different ways with this. Otherwise, just have the talk. The best of luck to you. I am sure you will do fine. :hugs:

[Joann0830]

Kathi Lake, I would give him space but try to gather all of the facts for him and explain how long, you have felt this way and ask him what he feels and are there any questions that you can answer for him. My Daughter was about 16 when I explained to her about me and that I had always felt this way since I was about 7,this is so he just think that this just happen and that you are changing also explain that you are the same person that he has known and again explain how long you have been like this so he can understand that you are the same person and will always be the same person for him. I hope you understand what I meant I hope that everything goes well. However, based on past posts from you I am sure that you will make the right decision and handle it properly. Good luck and let us know how everything works out.
Joann0830

[Edwina]

Hi Kathi
I would also like to wish you luck and I hope it all turns out well

:love:

Edwina

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Kathi-

<big hug> I know you'll handle it with the style and grace you always show. FWIW, I told my son when he was 18 also, though the choice of place and time was mine (my wife was with me, too), it turns out he already knew. The first question I asked him was if he knew what the terms transgendered or crossdresser meant. He gave me one of those, "Well, duh!" looks and said, "Of course, it's all over the internet." Apparently I wasn't covering my tracks as well as I thought.

As it turns out, he was okay with it though he doesn't want to see his old man in a dress, which is fine. It has not had any effect on our relationship and we are still very close. I think things will turn out okay for you. I mean, it's not like there are bodies in the crawlspace or someone's head in the freezer. There are many worse things than being TG. From talking with my son and his friends, this generation seems much more open to differences and are more willing to judge someone by the sort of person they are.

Best wishes, Kathi.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Amy Lynn3]

Kathi, I have a son too and I have no clue what to say if he found out about me. I can only wish for the best for you and your son. The best life has to offer to you.
Amy Lynn

[DianneRoberts]

Oh oh... maybe start by asking him why he is asking. Maybe he thinks you have a girl friend. Otherwise, keep it light hearted and make sure he understands you accept yourself and his life isn't going to change.

I would think that cheating on a wife would be worse than CDing by a wide margin.
Maybe just me ??

[~Seana~]

To Kathy

I hae to agree with the other poster, he's found this forum and likely as not by now seen eery one of your posts. He asked for time. That in and of itself suggests at least he's thinking it through.Not a bad thing.
To Kathi's Kid:
Relax. Everything is ok. Your dad is still your dad. Yes this is something he kept from you, for this very reason. Everyone is entitled to their personal life and you happened to discover your parents. Feel free to stick around, and learn, or put it behind you and remember that Dad, is still Dad.At soome point your father has found out things about you, or will, it's a normal part of parenting. not everything you've necessarily heard about.
Also know that your father is not alone in the desires you discovered. These forums are full of others with similar feelings. You can choose to read and understand, or not. I'd urge you not to condemn and accept all facets of your father, whether he chooses to share them or not.

KinkedAmanda

KinkedAmanda

[Sara Jessica]

Such an apt title for your thread Kathi. It's all that ran through my mind as I read through the replies thus far. I can imagine the inner turmoil you must have went through yesterday and while it appears that your son is still processing the situation, you must still be worried inside. I know I would be. Please know that you have lots of good karma behind you and we all look forward to hearing something wonderful to come of this. Your confidence and strength will see you through. :hugs:

[Angelofsomekind]

Good luck! Why does stuff like that always happen when you are about to leave. Gives you all that time to think about what's going to happen and be nervous about it. But It sounds like it will be ok.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

You look absolutely beautiful as a woman. If the cat is out of the proverbial bag, let him meet you when you get back.

I have to say I very much disagree with this idea. Especially now that we know that he's asked his father for more time. The discussion they do finally have should be with his father, and only when he is comfortable should he meet Kathi.

[TxKimberly]

My son also found out about me with out my telling him. He was 17 at the time and he thought it was no big deal. He literally doesn't care at all. I say this not to brag, but in the hopes that it will raise your spirits that maybe it isn't going to be a dramatic and traumatic experience. Good luck my friend.

[Jenny Beth]

Sorry to hear that, I hope you find a way to discuss this when the smoke clears. As others have said I'm curious as to how he found out. It's possible he surfed his way here and recognized you but it's more likely he's been snooping (a nice word for spying) to see what's on your computer. He may not like what he found but I hope you point out what he did was very wrong.

[Temptation]

He may not like what he found but I hope you point out what he did was very wrong.

ummmm, NO!
There's no way to spin this one other than b-u-s-t-e-d

[Jenny Beth]

ummmm, NO!
There's no way to spin this one other than b-u-s-t-e-d


Busted yes but I'm not suggesting to try to deflect anything. It's still wrong to spy on someone. Maybe it hasn't happened to you yet but it has to me and others here. There's two issues to deal with, explaining yourself as best you can and knowing you possibly can't trust someone.

[Christina Horton]

Oh oh... maybe start by asking him why he is asking. Maybe he thinks you have a girl friend. Otherwise, keep it light hearted and make sure he understands you accept yourself and his life isn't going to change.

The thought of a parent cheating is worse then the thought of them CDing. My dad cheated on my mom with the same women he is still with. It was hard but, If I saw in the puter her name and thought he was cheating and then found out he was a CDer (and I was not on myself) I would be very relieved but then I would need to think Why. Why is he either seeing a women or dressing as on. I would be confused. Since if wants to time to I would think to think , it might be a good idea (IMHO) to write a short letter say one page giving a short condensation explanation of it and then the promise of more to come (IF) he wanted to hear the full story to understand his dad better. I have no kids or wife (YET) but i think the full honest approach is always the best way to go. I think , No I know he will be fine. Your a wonderful person and I know a great parent, If he is ok with it then your off to a great start, If he does not like it , I am sure he will still love you like he does now . You can be measured by the way to treat other people and your family and I know your one of the best out there. Good luck Hun and we all love and support you 100%. :hugs::love:


Busted yes but I'm not suggesting to try to deflect anything. It's still wrong to spy on someone. Maybe it hasn't happened to you yet but it has to me and others here. There's two issues to deal with, explaining yourself as best you can and knowing you possibly can't trust someone.

Maybe he wasn't spying just working on Dad's puter and saw something off and checked it out. His motives was prob good just curious to see what it was. Kid go through there mom and dad stuff all the time growing up it may be off limits but kids will be kids , even at 18. When you close to your family it seems less wrong and all that to (look) through stuff you would never think of looking at with a stranger of friend. It could be sooping but most likely he stumbled across it by accident and want to know whats up . Then after he found it then asked DAD WTF he dug a little deeper and found the kit-and-caboodle and now needs time to think. Either way i know it will be fine.

[boardpuppy]

Hi Kathi,
I understand about protecting the kid(s) etc but we have our lives to live also. Let him set the pace but also let him know that you have to live also. The SO and you should (together) answer his questions (frankly) and there will be some ups and downs. Best of luck.

Hugs,
Alice

[ReineD]

Kathi, I congratulate you on the nature of the relationship you have with your son! He obviously feels close enough to you to have called you as soon as he found out (otherwise wouldn't he have waited until you got back from your trip?)

He also sounds mature enough to know that he should wait until he feels calmer before talking to you. These are all good signs.

Arm yourself with material, web links, anything you can give him that will help him see that you are not gay and you are not a pervert.

I wish you and him all the best!!!! :love:


EDIT



You look absolutely beautiful as a woman. If the cat is out of the proverbial bag, let him meet you when you get back.

Ami, we all here appreciate beautiful TGs, but I don't think Kathi's son will be swayed into acceptance based on the beauty of his father's femme look. Kathi's son should decide if he wants to meet Kathi.

[Temptation]

Busted yes but I'm not suggesting to try to deflect anything. It's still wrong to spy on someone. Maybe it hasn't happened to you yet but it has to me and others here. There's two issues to deal with, explaining yourself as best you can and knowing you possibly can't trust someone.
You don't know that the son spied, snooped, or whatever. It's not the son's fault. Someone has some explaining to do, and it's not the son.

[queenie]

Good luck with everything! 18 and in his second year of college? Sounds like he's very smart and mature for his age. Hoping all goes well when you have that eventual talk with him.

[SherriePall]

Kathi -- No suggestions from this corner as I never crossed that bridge. I mean they're basically out of the house and all grown up now, but if it ever comes to that, I'll handle it the best way I can (and they probably already know). However, I will wish you good luck and keep you and your in my prayers.

[Michelle S]

Kathi,

I Googled "Kathi Lake". This thread came up #7. While I and others would like to hear how the conversation with your son goes, you should be aware that he will be able to read all this and may prefer the conversation remain private. Maybe you could take this is in the Love Ones Forum which is more private. It's up to you of course.

Good luck in any case.

[Kitty Sue]

I hope things go well for you both.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Kathi, the fact that he is communicating with you is a GOOD sign. Give him whatever time he needs, be the father you have been, and be patient.

If by chance your son is reading these posts... then to you I offer that when you get right down to the basics... we are the same people as we have always been. Sure its a little "weird" from your perspective but mostly because its new to you. Ask the hard questions so that you have all the information you need to make an informed decision.

lastly...

Our love of our children & families doesn't change. Whether you "know" or not doesn't matter because you are still number one when the chips are down ;)

Zarabeth

[JennyS.]

Kathi... Good luck to you with this situation. It's gotta be tough. I can't imagine what I'd say to my daughter had she found out. I truly hope things work out for you.

[JOJO44]

Kathi, my heart goes out to you. I do not know how I would respond, but just know that my prayers are with you and your son.
You both need to know that time and not anger will answer all questions.
I have found that the older I get, the big mountains of my past no longer seem to be such a big deal.
Time and patience.
Jo

[Kathi Lake]

Well, still no word from my son. I am being patient, trying to take this at his pace. That said, I don't want him to process everything in his head if he has wrong information about who I am and why I do what I do. I don't want him to arrive at a conclusion if he took the wrong road. It's hard to get to the right destination if you're on the wrong road, isn't it?

To those wondering about his maturity and "smarts" level, he's basically brilliant - the product of a brilliant mother and a brain-dead father (genetics can be a funny thing, eh?). His birthday is in August and he skipped a grade, so he is kind of young to be in his second year of college. Of course, since he changed his major from aeronautical engineering to pre-med, he is basically starting over and is right in line with his peers.

He's a great kid. I'm sure that this experience took him off-guard. I can only imagine though, as I never experienced it - I only got to experience my mom being beaten by my dad repeatedly. Still, you have to wonder, which would be more shocking to a young adult - a mom and dad who argue a lot, usually ending up in a fistfight, or a seemingly-normal dad who likes to run around in women's clothes.

I just hope that in time he will come to understand - as much as I do, at least - why I do this. I hope that I can get across that the negative things that are seen in the media are really not us.

The thing I feel saddest about is the burden. I have already burdened my wife with this our entire marriage - this secret that she can't really tell to anyone, or talk to anyone about. Now I have to burden my son with it as well. Is he up to the task? Sure. Is it fair that he has to? No. No, it isn't. That is my burden.

Thanks all, for you prayers and kind thoughts. Send some his way as well.

Kathi

[RobertaM]

Im actually surprised it took him so long to say something, i would have thought he would have put 2 and 2 and 3 together.
Kathi, i dont have any advise, but to say, you taking it slow is probably best,, if there really is no crisis then let it develope on its own pace.
big hugs from Roberta

[TxKimberly]

Kathi,

At his age, you can't pick and choose what your son learns of, or encounters from, the world. This is part of growing up. This will be far from the most shocking thing he ever learns.

[carrie-ann]

I think youre under estamting your sons thoughts just be honest with him.

[giuseppina]

...

Of course, since he changed his major from aeronautical engineering to pre-med, he is basically starting over and is right in line with his peers.

...


I hope, for his own sake, he doesn't throw a fit over this. MDs cannot judge their patients. If they do, they usually can't offer constructive help.

[sherri52]

Good luck Kathi. I hope your son is the understanding type.

[Melissa Rose]

Kathi, I believe your son wanting to talk is an excellent sign. It shows a high level of maturity and thought. I imagine it has to be confusing and perhaps embarrassing for him. I agree with you in giving him space and time to get his mind and emotions in order; however, I would not allow it to languish for too long. I hope it turns out well for both of you, and I'm sure that it will. Peace.

[Hope]

I got home. There was a note on the table:


I need more time

I texted him to let me know when he is ready. We'll see what happens. I guess the question on whether or not to reveal myself to him is now moot. I wish the method was different. I still don't know quite how he found out. I guess I'll see - whenever he is ready. He just turned 18, by the way, and is in his second year of college for those wondering his age and maturity level.


18, second year of college? He will be fine. He may not like it, but this will be good for him in the long run.

In the short term - I would suggest while being open and frank, and honest with him, that you also make it clear that he still needs to be respectful of you (and everyone else he interacts with) and that whatever sort of snooping he did to uncover this is not a sign of someone who is acting in an adult, respectful manner.

Like I tell everyone, don't talk about this like it is cancer. He has sort of set the tone that this is horrible and life ending - don't bite, and don't let him set that sort of tone in the conversation.

[Wen4cd]

However, saying "we need to talk," then "I need more time," with all this note business, etc.. then not speaking, strongly suggests he's playing you for guilt. Teenagers are masters at it. Those are cues taken directly from bad TV drama shows.

Sounds like it's working, too, if you're feeling shamed. Consider that you were the best parent you could be, and that after that, you owe nothing you haven't already given.

[Jill]

I think so many of us walk a pretty fine line. We get comfortable with the status quo and I really think that we get into a comfortable mentality and maybe believe that we are safe from things like this and I know that sometimes I feel like I can continue to enjoy this without chaos or consequence. I really believe that it's a matter of time before I get busted (again). This is your time and your turn to endure some chaos.

It's really hard, I can imagine, for you to sit around and wait for him to want to talk about it and what if you see him again at a family function without talking about it, I think we have all been in those tough situations and we can all relate to what you're going through so you're definitely not alone. It really seems though that you will get through this and this could be something that will help your relationship be stronger but you're going to have to weather the storm for awhile.

If has learned about you through this site then you may need to keep in mind that he can cruise through here as a visitor and could be reading through ever last bit of this so I would say that you should tread carefully. At the same time this may also provide a medium for you to communicate things to him that he may not be ready or willing to hear directly from you right now.

What I feel unclear about is how you talked about your wife keeping your secret all these years and now he is going to have to as well but you frequently make public appearances, shopping in female mode, advertising that you are a man and a CDer, showing pictures of yourself to others and so on. You seem quite lax about keeping things a secret to strangers in public but yet you require your family to keep it a secret. I hope you don't mind me being a little bold here Kathi, but that doesn't seem very fair to them? Just being honest...

We're here to support you, good luck.

[Miranda09]

Kathi, your son has 2 great parents who have raised him with lots of love. He'll eventually see that what you wear doesn't mean anything, that you're still the same person that raised him. It'll work out fine. :):hugs:

[paulaN]

I think you should talk to him very soon. You do not want him on the wrong track. And after the talk, then he can take all the time he wants. At least he will have the right information to prosses in his mind. Prayers for all of your family.

[Cynthia_0101]

I hope all goes well for you, Will keep you in my thoughts.

[Andy66]

Good luck. It might be weird at first, but I'm sure it will be for the best in the long run.


The thing I feel saddest about is the burden. I have already burdened my wife with this our entire marriage - this secret that she can't really tell to anyone, or talk to anyone about. Now I have to burden my son with it as well. Is he up to the task? Sure. Is it fair that he has to? No. No, it isn't. That is my burden.
Maybe your son won't see it as a burden. Some of us would rather know the truth than hear a pretty lie.


Busted yes but I'm not suggesting to try to deflect anything. It's still wrong to spy on someone. Maybe it hasn't happened to you yet but it has to me and others here. There's two issues to deal with, explaining yourself as best you can and knowing you possibly can't trust someone.
Puh-leeeze. It most certainly does sound like you're suggesting deflecting the issue onto the kid, which will not accomplish anything positive. The kid probably didn't do anything wrong anyway.

[Maddie]

Kathi

You can take this for what it is worth----------But is it possible that HE is a member here and is trying to process how to tell you that you have a lot in common. that may explain how he knows the name Kathi Lake?

[cosmolovesph]

Kathi,

All the best to you and your family, sounds like you have raised a good kid and that has to be a shock if he never knew before. If he is going into the med field he will always have to keep "secrets" with HIPPA so this could be a great start for him. I remember being around his age and finding a porno video tape my parents hadn't put away... and to this day it was never spoken of to them. ;)

[RockerTerri]

He's 18. Which means it's wierd, new, and it involves a constant in his life (you, his dad) becoming much less constant. He is obviously intelligent, and as a product of both an understanding (if not underachieving) generation, and you (who im guessing promoted tolerance:)) this will probably turn out ok.

Someone said he's playing you for guilt...maybe. He may also genuinely need a little time. If he keeps sending messages, and notes, saying he needs more time, yeah, I'd say he is pushing the guilt button. But once or twice? Sounds pretty normal to me.

Give it a few days. If he hasnt contacted you, let him know you want to talk. Nothing good comes of things like this being found out, then quietly slipping out of sight. Overall though, I think it will turn out just fine.

Good luck!

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

But is it possible that HE is a member here and is trying to process how to tell you that you have a lot in common. that may explain how he knows the name Kathi Lake?

I think that is a bit of a leap. Possible? Yes, but there's no evidence of such yet.

Also, can we stop accusing the kid of being a snooper and disrespecting Kathi's privacy until we know more about the situation, it is entirely possible that he stumbled onto this site by accident on his father's computer, and if Kathi was signed in, that's how he'd have seen the name. Right there at the top where it says "Welcome" with the user name. Seeing as the site is "Crossdressers.com" and there's a female username, it's very plausible he figured it out from there. I don't use my parents computer very often because I prefer my mac to their ancient PC, but I occasionally need to print something and don't want to unplug their comp, plug in mine and all that.

The thing to remember is that this sort of situation is hard on a kid for two reasons, one, no matter how tolerant a person is or how exposed they are to alternative lifestyles, it can still be a big shock to find out someone you know is part of one. Also, he's only 18 and while he does seem very smart, there is an emotional intelligence or maturity that one starts to develop partially but not fully when separated from home. I think through our teenage years we still see our parents much the way we did as when we were children, which is sort of more idealized concepts than as people. So while he is discovering his father has a female persona, it's also one of the first times he's seen his father in a different light, as in, a person who has a whole life and identity that doesn't just involve being his father.

Kathi, have you talked about this with his mother, do you know if he's said anything to her about it?

Also, I find it interesting that you listed it as a burden for her because she can't talk with anyone about it. You've shown pictures of yourself to your coworkers, and you have gone out in public in male mode and shopped and spoken to those same people as Kathi. While I understand that due to certain circumstances you feel the need to remain somewhat closeted, don't you feel at least a little bit that you're pretty open with it? Is there no one your wife knows who is a trusted friend that you would be ok with her talking about it with, just so she can vent and not feel so isolated about it?

[Christina Horton]

:iagree::yt::yt::yt::yt::yt::yt: very good points.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Very, very well put, Ryan.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Kathi Lake]

I wanted to respond to a couple of points in Ryan's and others' posts on my views of secrecy and my supposed hypocrisy in that area. It's complicated.

It is true that I am becoming bolder in certain areas. I have shown my pictures to a few women at work. I have certainly been out and about dressed up, as anyone who has read one of my long-winded posts can attest. At the same time, you have seen quotes in my posts about my wife "keeping my secret" and that she "has no one to talk to." Both of those are her quotes. She says she feels that way out of an obligated embarrassment for me. She feels that if she talks to a friend, then she would be letting my secret out, thus possibly embarrassing me. Did I mention it was complicated?

Now, here's where it gets even more convoluted; As I have mentioned before, I am in a position of respect at a Baptist church nearby. My wife and I feel that although what I do is not a sin, that others may view it as such. It would affect the ministry that I am able to do if this secret were to get out. Some would be fine with it. Some would not. Either way, my role there would doubtless change. When I do go out, I do so in places that are 30 miles or more away from my home. I feel this minimizes the chance of meeting someone I know from this circle of friends. If this is hypocrisy, then I guess I am guilty.

Kathi

[Melanie R]

Now, here's where it gets even more convoluted; As I have mentioned before, I am in a position of respect at a Baptist church nearby. My wife and I feel that although what I do is not a sin, that others may view it as such. It would affect the ministry that I am able to do if this secret were to get out. Some would be fine with it. Some would not. Either way, my role there would doubtless change. When I do go out, I do so in places that are 30 miles or more away from my home. I feel this minimizes the chance of meeting someone I know from this circle of friends. If this is hypocrisy, then I guess I am guilty.

Kathi

I know that this is a difficult time for you and your wife. My daughters found out about Melanie at age 16 and 14 when my deceased first wife outed me to them during our divorce. One became one of my greatest supporter. The other daughter accepts but does not want to meet Melanie.

As a fellow Baptist and member of a church that according to my estimate has over 90 crossdressers (a very conservative estimate of .005% of 18,000 adult male members out of 54,000 total members), I know that most Baptists and especially SBC churches see crossdressers as being gender confused and needing "Christian counseling". I have known personally two crossdressers who were removed from their churches when they were outed. One of those persons is now a post op TS who is the senior minister of a liberal Baptist church. The wife is the minister of music - a beautiful story of love. Our senior minister knows about Melanie but has refused to discuss my situation although I was asked recently to be a deacon but I declined. One of these days you will be accepted even in the Baptist church as one of these days I may start a program to provide support for those 90 + other transgendered persons in our congregation.

Hugs,

Melanie

[Kathi Lake]

Although I haven't asked my son's permission to post this, I feel that the help it may give others outweighs the potential anger he may have towards me for posting something so personal. I know that we often struggle with not only the question of whether we should tell family, but how we should tell family. I hope that you see something useful in this thread.

Any generalizations or inaccuracies are purely mine.

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________

On the other matter, we need to talk this week. I know you said you needed more time, but I don't want you processing it and spinning it around in your head if you have the wrong information about me. Find a time this week when I can drive up between classes and you have a few hours to talk.

I would ask that you keep this to yourself, if you haven't already told your suitemates, your pastor or whoever - mostly for your reputation rather than mine. The reputation of being the son of "a pervert" or whatever you're now thinking of me is not exactly what I would want for you.

If you like, we can start our talk via e-mail. It's a lot slower, but a lot of the emotion can be removed that way - if that's even a good thing. Please let me know of a time this week.

XXXXXX, I love you. Nothing in our relationship has changed, except you, like your mother before you, now know my deepest, darkest secret. The reasons behind that secret I hope to get across to you in our talk.

Dad
For my sake, I think I'd like to start the conversation here, and then continue Thursday in person. It's Fall Break, so I'll be home around 7:00 that evening.I would really like to do this via in-person, both for speed and feedback, but we will do it your way for awhile. First off, let's go through what I am not:

I am not a pervert - not to me, at least.
I am not homosexual.
I am not going to change my sex.
I am not sinning.
I am not going to leave your mother.
I am not doing this for sexual gratification.
I'm not going to do anything different than I have my entire life.

Basically, I am a normal guy with a strange hobby.

When you think of guys who dress up in women's clothes, you think about what the media shows you - drag queens, psycho slashers, those over-the-top people on daytime talk shows. That is certainly not me. Ready for some education? Put on your "adult" hat, because some of this stuff I have obviously never talked to you about.

What I do is called crossdressing. It occupies a place on a huge spectrum. Many have tried to categorize this spectrum. Usually, it has those that feel they were born into the wrong sex (Gender Identity Disorder) on one side, those that obtain sexual gratification by wearing items meaningful to them like panties, pantyhose, etc. (transvestites) near the middle, and those that wear the clothes of the opposite sex for non-sexual reasons (crossdressers) on the other end.

As to what I do, I am a crossdresser. I wear women's clothes and go out in public sometimes - shopping, museums, etc. I tend to dress pretty fully for two reasons; First, when I do something, I usually do something all the way. That's just my personality, as you know. When I start a hobby, like I did with video editing, I didn't just get a cheap camcorder and go. I went full-out, with a top-of-the-line camera, tripod, accessories, (maybe even a SteadyCam rig one day) and more. The second reason is for what I call "blending." A guy in a dress is immediately spotted. It's pretty obvious. However, I've found that men and women seem to be pretty genetically wired to automatically ignore "ugly" women. The more I look like an ugly woman, the less that I am noticed. The more I blend in with my surroundings, the less I am noticed - and that's what I'm going for - not to be noticed. Believe me, I am one ugly woman. :)

Now to the thing you're probably wondering most - the why. I sure wish I had an answer for you. I have had some therapy in the past. Their "educated guesses" (which is all therapy is), kind of matched my thoughts on the matter. Growing up, I didn't have a lot of good male role models. My "father" was usually referred to as "the sperm donor" in that he wasn't really a father. He beat my mother multiple times, ran off with other women, came back, and beat her some more until he ran off for good. My mom went through a series of boyfriends (losers all) until she started dating her boss, 30 years her senior, and eventually married him.

Growing up, I never fit in. Due to my small size, I was picked last for games (if at all), was teased for being smart, girly, different, and others. I started dressing in my mother's clothes in an attempt to "escape" that world, and it remains that way to this day. When I dress up, it is both thumbing my nose at society or, "the man" who would dare to tell me what I can and can't do, as so many did in my younger years, and an escape from everything - societal pressures of being a man in today's world, reality, what have you. Basically, when I dress, it relieves stress and makes me feel good - not in a sexual manner, but more of a contentment. It's also a serious adrenaline rush, like I'm getting away with something. Being interested in psychology all these years, I enjoy seeing people's reactions when I walk by. I get everything from scowls to smirks to smiles.

I'm assuming that you saw my browser history on crossdressers.com. That is a site I'm on, like other forums, to help people. I enjoy helping new members feel welcome and, more importantly, not alone. It's an interesting site. The entire spectrum of humanity is represented there. On that site, you'll find everyone from machinists to doctors, truck drivers to lawyers, wiccans to pastors. It is a big group - probably much larger that you would suspect. Due to society, we obviously try to remain pretty closed off and secret. After a lifetime of being laughed at and jeered, we tend to try to keep it private.

I'm also sure you're wondering if your mom knows? Of course. She has known since we were dating. She doesn't totally understand the reasons (heck, neither do I), but loves me just the same. She knows it is a part of me. Her acceptance kind of pendulums from laughing and joking about it to "Oh, you're still doing that?" Her advice to me has always been "Be careful." I thought I was. I didn't know you were planning on coming home and using my computer. Obviously, this is a secret that I would have preferred keeping from you and the world, not for my reputation - I don't give a rip about my reputation. I've always been the butt of jokes my entire life and have some pretty thick skin as a result - but for the reputations of those in my family. Now, I fear that you are looking at me in a different light. That saddens me greatly. I feel that I have lost the relationship with my son. I don't know if I can deal with that.

I haven't told mom yet that you know. Please let me tell her first. I feel I let her down by letting my guard down and not being careful, as she requested. That's another reason why I wanted to talk to you in person before you come down. Please, let's talk in person before you come down so she doesn't get "the weird vibe," ask you what's wrong, and you have to lie for me.

Please take a little bit of time to digest this, respond with any questions, and let me know what's on your heart. I love you, XXXXXX, and I'm still,

Your Dad
Okay, that certainly clears things up. Thank you. I honestly had no idea what was going on. As far as our relationship, I certainly do still love you. I hope you know that. I think that it will take me some time to adjust, so I wouldn't expect our relationship to be the exact same as it was right away. With time though, I would certainly like it to. I haven't talked to mom yet, and I won't until you have a chance.

Love always,

XXXXXXThanks for your reply. You caught me just before I left work.

Yes, I know you love me. I know that will never change. I just feel that I have disappointed you in some way - knocked the idealized picture you had of me down a few pegs. You know what? I can handle that. I just hope that with enough soap and some steel wool that you can remove the imagery of your dad in a dress from your mind someday. :)

On the adjustment issue, take all the time you need. It's not easy, I'm sure. After over 20 years of marriage, your mom still has her moments. It's not an easy thing. But she knows that I love her and that I'm the same person - her husband and her friend - no matter which side of the closet I get dressed from.

Please ask ANY and ALL questions you may have about me. I will be open with you. You now literally know the deepest, darkest secret in my life now. And yes, I am that boring.

Dad
The one question I had was, "Why?", but I guess it's sort of complicated. And you would not believe how much mental steel wool it will take. But I'm willing to do it.

So, that's where we are for now. Did I reveal too much to him? Perhaps. Honestly, I'm tired of lying and hiding the truth. I've been doing it my entire life. Was it for their protection? I think so. I am proud of my son, and will eagerly work to restore the trust he had in me before he found out. As I said, I hope you find something useful in all this. I do believe that all things eventually work out for the good.

Kathi

[MissyW]

Best of luck ! It sounds as if you are handling the situation very well.

[Christina Horton]

It should very good. I am sure he will be fine with it sooner then you or he thinks. I hope only the best in your life hun .Huggs. :hugs::love:

[Chloe Renee]

Good luck, I am sure all will be well in the end. He sounds like a great kid.

[RobertaM]

I am so happy that things are progressing ok, your tone and approach seem resonable, best wishes!
Hugs from Roberta

[ReineD]

Yes, I know you love me. I know that will never change. I just feel that I have disappointed you in some way - knocked the idealized picture you had of me down a few pegs.

Kathi, this is the best part of your communication!! You are not making excuses for yourself, nor are you minimizing or rationalizing. In this sentence you are speaking from your heart and if anything will touch your son's heart, this will.

It is what it is.

No doubt your son will find his own resources about the CDing and he will make up his own mind. It is best to not try to sway his opinions and instead respect whatever feelings he may have. And be there for him in any way he needs you do be, while still being true to who you are. You will have proven yourself to have immense courage if you can do this.

Again, congratulations on having raised such a fine boy and on having cultivated such a close relationship that you can be honest and speak from your heart. :hugs:

[KayC]

I certainly wish you all the best. From the posts I have read by you, I perceive you as someone sensitive and caring and have the utmost trust that all will work out with the two of you. Remember, he is his father's son and as such he will also be able to handle this and love you for the person you are inside, not only the gender or outward appearance. It is a shock when you first make that discovery and know nothing about it, but as you begin to learn about it, it all helps bring understanding and acceptance. He may be your biggest advocate yet!

[angpai30]

I have nothing to add, but i do hope the best for you. Keeping you in our prayers!!

Hannah~~

[Tasha VanEssen]

"Dad, we need to talk." I asked what about. He said, "Kathi Lake. What the crap is that?" So, pray for me that it will go well and that I can get across to him that his dad isn't gay or whatever he is thinking.

Sigh.

Kathi,

Would it be the end of the world if someone in your position was actually gay? I see your attitude towards gay people as quite negative and in fact there are many aspects which you are ruling out.


First off, let's go through what I am not:

I am not a pervert - not to me, at least.
I am not homosexual.
I am not going to change my sex.
I am not sinning.
I am not going to leave your mother.
I am not doing this for sexual gratification.
I'm not going to do anything different than I have my entire life.

Basically, I am a normal guy with a strange hobby.


Kathi, you seem generally positive from what I read in your posts and in your situation I can understand wanting to protect your son from ridicule and all that @#$% that comes from "the MaN". The desire to be "normal" is for those who aspire politically in any organization where embarrassment means you are not in favor in said organization. The adversity of those with power to make your life more of a struggle because you are not normal is just that... a struggle - whereas if you were to spin the struggle into an artistic entertainment form (maybe a documentary) then you can still rise and enjoy your strange hobby.

You are better than "the MaN" and you appear to need reminders of that fact. "The MaN" has really screwed up everything from health care, homelessness, New Orleans disasters, the economy to sticking Shamu in a chlorine tank! Greed is a powerful factor in keeping the masses in line to keep the rich rich and the others thinking they are wrong for wearing dresses in their spare time. The morays and norms which north american society has imposed upon the citizens shoves you and me deep into our closets so we have to defend against ridicule by morons such as Jerry Springer. I see this as the entire reason why this tread is in existence with the deeply philosophical concepts of gender remaining unaddressed.

Kathi, for now you could always use the artistic angle to shield the ridicule - make a video about the brain and gender with your expensive video gear -maybe. With regards to your relationship with your son just remember to do your share of listening. Good luck!

Just my 2 cents

xoxoxoxo

Tasha

[mklinden2010]

K,

Good work getting YOUR point of view across.

We all take different paths in life. You know where you've come from - with reasonable certainty - where you are, and, where you're going.

Having done your homework and paid your dues; it's a respectable position and one you can carry forward with pride.

You are a positive role model for your son ("If you do a thing, do it right!) and a good role model for your friends, family, and church.

Good for you, and, them.

Besides that, a big "Thank you and God bless you" to your wife.

You're both good people.

Your son, and everyone else, will be fine.

[erickka]

Good luck with this one, and please keep us posted.

[Marcia Blue]

Kathi,
It really sounds like you have started this exchange with your son on the right path. You are truthful and direct. This is how, a young adult like your son, wishes to be treated.
You and your family have my prayers and best wishes.

[Andy66]

Aw, your son sounds like a great kid. Best of luck.

[KayC]

Kathi,
Would it be the end of the world if someone in your position was actually gay? I see your attitude towards gay people as quite negative and in fact there are many aspects which you are ruling out.


It would for Kathi's wife...I'm sure that would be a concern for their son. He was trying to rule out the things their son would NOT have to deal with. Try not to read anything into this that isn't there. JMHO

[Sara Jessica]

Kathi,

Would it be the end of the world if someone in your position was actually gay? I see your attitude towards gay people as quite negative

I don't see any benefit in debating this sort of thing on Kathi's thread. The fact of the matter remains that she was making some points to her son in order to alleviate concerns that are based on all-too-common assumptions that are made about those of us across the TG spectrum. It was simply a matter-of-fact statement that is perfectly appropriate for the situation at hand, not a negative blast towards homosexuality. There's no need to play that card here.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Good for you, I'm so happy for you.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Desiree2bababe]

I feel for you Kathi and your son. I too have a very loving son that "hopefully" does not know his father's secret. I'm sure his knowing would lead to severe depression, for me mostly. I've sent a prayer for the both of you. You certainly have handled it well thusfar.

[AmiFL]

Kathi,

In your dialog with your son it seems like he will have no problem accepting your "hobby" in time. Kids love their parents, even at times when it does not show. We were the same to our parents too.

The e-mail explained your feelings very well. Don't be surprised if he asks to meet Kathi.

In my posts I've shared how my wife outed me to my son during an arguement. It was not pretty but he just kind of blew it off and the topic has not come up again. If I was as active in my dressing as you it would be easier for me to talk to him about it. But right now it is easier to keep it inside.

Good Luck, He said it all when he told you he loves you.

Ami

[TxKimberly]

I am DEEPLY impressed with what you have chosen to say, and how you have chosen to say it. Very thoughtful and intelligently done I think. I have not the slightest doubt that things are going to turn out just fine for you and your family. I see a bit of the NCO in you sneaking out here - no excuses offered. "I am responsible. Here is where we are, now let's deal with it."
I think you rock Kathi!

[StephanieH]

Kathi, and to Kathi's son if he's reading this, I have a little bit to add.

First off, for Kathi's son, there are a lot of us on here who can offer testimony, your dad isn't a pervert, he isn't gay, and he isn't some sort of freak. His posts here through the years have been excellent and he's been a great source of advice for a lot of people who needed (and continue to need) help.

Secondly, I'm very active in my church as well and am in a position where I work with the teenagers quite a bit. Like Kathi, I keep this area of my life hidden from those at church because I too know it would destroy my ability to do what the Lord wants me to do there. By the same token, I've come to the realization that the Lord made me this way for some reason and I've accepted who I am.

Third, like your dad, I've been married fifteen years, I have a daughter, and I've never once cheated on my wife or deceived her about this aspect of my life - it's too private and trust is important in a relationship. You father, in my opinion, hadn't told you about this aspect of his life, YET, because he didn't want it to affect his relationship with you or cause any misunderstandings. It's not a matter of him not trusting you, it's just that I believe he likely wanted to make certain you would be mature enough to understand and not reject him because of this. This is just ONE area of all our lives. I would strongly encourage you not to let it become THE dominant area of his life that changes your opinion of him. He's still the same guy you've known and loved all your life.

My daughter is soon to turn thirteen and she's suspecting things already I'm certain. She's already picked up that my legs are shaved and she's asked my wife why she has so many undies (most are mine). Although she suspects, I don't think it's bothering her too much because my attitude and actions are no different than they always have been. I do not dress around her and I do not go out dressed anywhere near our hometown. I will tell her one of these days, but I'd like to wait until she's at least fifteen or sixteen, so hopefully she will be mature enough to understand. I have the same fears that Kathi, aka YOUR DAD has - he doesn't want your image of him as a father to be damaged because of this.

So, if Kathi's son is reading this, go easy on the old guy - there's a lot of us out here, and believe me, it's not something we just woke up one day and decided to do. It doesn't make him a bad guy, it doesn't make him a freak of nature, it doesn't make him anything or anybody he wasn't already.

He's your dad. He wants the best for you. I pray the both of you can get through this bump in the road and be at ease with each other. Take care to the both of you, and God bless! :)

[Melissa Anne]

Kathi,
I think you have done a great job handling this potentially difficult situation with your son. He sounds like a mature young man. I hope and pray everything works out well for the both of you.

[Brooke Smith]

Kathi,
I've followed this post from the beginning and all I can say is congratulations to you and your son.You have both handled this with wisdom and grace. I just love happy endings.

[Sally2005]

Kathi, I'm glad you finally had a good conversation with your son. What you said, is good, a lot of details, but well done. The one thing I would do, is add an element of humor when you see him, show him you are comfortable with yourself and have accepted it and instead of fighting it, you needed to explore this part of your being vs. the deep dark secret. I don't know your relationship well, but when he visits do something with him that he really enjoys, that you have always done as father and son and just be frank about any questions on the CDing. One thing that really makes life difficult with my father is that he always falls back on the past...keep focused on today and talk about tomorrow.

[Teri Jean]

Kathy, It is amazing that our children can come on board with this nes and yet they need time to adjust also. My girls had a simular reaction but they still love me and he will continue his love of you. Take it slow and as you said answer all his questions as honestly as you can. To Kathy's son, you have a wonderful father and continue to talk even when it gets tough. He loves you and you mom. Teri

[Holly]

Kathi, I think you have shown great compassion and wisdom in dealing with your son. The two of you will be just fine. :) A side effect may be a more relaxed wife as well, as she will no longer have to "fear" your child finding out. My wife was extremely worried about our son's reaction should he find out. When I told him (early 20's), he was more upset that his little sister (earlier 20's) knew about it before he did. The bottom line is this... you were a loving, involved parent before the revelation and THAT hasn't changed in the slightest. Hang in there, sweetie!

[Dutchess]

Hi Kathi
I am coming in late on this one but like the others wanted to echo that I too think things are going to be fine.. I am relieved for you as well that , as you said, you dont have to hide so much anymore ,, at least at home.

Our youngest daughter knows and doesnt care. My husband raised her from a baby,adopted her and she is aware of this and knows she got lucky there . She learned early that in the grand scheme of things , dressing is really no big deal compared to what could have happened to us had I stayed with her bio father. Sadly with his older children in their 20's , he says he will never come out to them . Another country , another culture. He is certain nothing good would come of it and after knowing them I would have to see his point , but your family will be just fine .

and you don't have long winded posts ,, I like them :love:

[docrobbysherry]

With the hope I mite find the words to explain what I do, to my children, should I be found out!:doh:

However, thru out your messages, u continually assure your son your CDing has NOTHING to do with sex!:eek:
And if that's so, u must have LESS GUILT to deal with than many of us do!:brolleyes:

Since my CDing, and many others here, has A LOT to do with sex, I guess I'll keep on searching for ways to explain myself!:sad:
However, that's our burden, and NOT yours!:straightface:

As I read thru the posts, I was VERY HAPPY to see U didn't give your son too long to think about it. And probably come to some wrong conclusions!:thumbsup:

It sounds like this will work out well for both of u, Kathi! I'm GLAD!:)

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

First, Kathi thank you so much for sharing your conversation with your son with us. I don't think you revealed anything from him that is so personal that it will be a violation of his privacy for us to see it, and it's nice to see such a conversation and both sides of it for people who may find themselves in a similar situation and can pull from the example.




I wanted to respond to a couple of points in Ryan's and others' posts on my views of secrecy and my supposed hypocrisy in that area. It's complicated.

I just want to make it clear that I wasn't calling you a hypocrit, and I even double checked my post to make sure that I hadn't used that word because it is a much uglier thing than I was trying to say. All I was doing was pointing out to you that even if you aren't as aware of it being in the middle of it, you are more open than maybe you used to be. 30 Miles or not, you do run the risk of being recognized.

I was only pointing it out because maybe it is something you could talk with your wife about, and say, I know how hard it is for you bear this secret for me, and if you do want someone to talk to about it, I know you'll make the right decisions in whom you can trust with it if you want to.

It really is a shame that you are correct that some of the members of your church would respond so negatively to your secret if they knew about it, because frankly their prejudices and ignorances are robbing them of having your ministry be as full as it could be. It was actually similar prejudices and such that led me to stop being so interested in religion during my teenage years. I never lost my faith in God, but I did lose it in church.

[TGMarla]

Kathy, way to go. So far, so good. This is one of those seminal moments you've always dreaded would happen. And you're handling it much the way Capt. Sully did when he landed his crippled plane in the Hudson: no panic (much), and carefully guided things to where they are right now. I hope it continues to go smoothly as possible for you.

Tasha? Read Sara Jessica's post. She's spot on correct here. And once again, I find myself agreeing with Kimberly's input here as well. I'm sure you know that by now, we're all glued to this like the next episode of (insert fav TV show here).

[Kathi Lake]

Thanks for the clarification, Ryan. You are correct, you never used the word hypocrisy - I extracted it using a combination of your words and my emotional state. Would conundrum be a better choice?

I know that 30 miles is a short distance, but to me, the risks are worth it. This is something that is a part of me - something that I have to do, or suffer the inevitable consequences. We are always using the old formula of risk/reward in making the decision to dress or not. I usually choose risk (there's that adrenaline rush peeking out again :)).

Kathi

[Lorileah]

Kathi, I am very happy you are getting to communicate with your son over this. We all know that TG's have been painted with a broad brush and you are correct that the public image of us is not what we really are. Your son has years of seeing that image on television and movies. He also has that image painted to him by his peers (Don't be a sissy.) and probably coaches (What are you a girl????) and definitely religion (funny how some tolerance can go out the window with a "thumper").

But here is a fact about images. They all fade. The Sistine chapel needed touch ups. Those color photos of your grandparents show a pastel world. Even mental images soften with time. We tend to suppress the "bad" things that happen in our lives and we embellish the good things. You are making this a good thing and he will always remember how his dad was there as an equal when he needed him. He is 18 and things in his world are getting bigger. The small "town" (even if you live in New York City, when you are under 18 your world is smaller) is now far more vast than he has known. Colleges serve a purpose...education. Not only scholarly but emotionally. New friends, new lovers, new heartbreak, new joy, new discoveries.

That rollercoaster he has been riding has reached its first peak. From here he can see all around and the world looks a lot bigger and scarier than he had imagined at the queue line. You made sure he was strapped in and now the excitement of the twists and turns, ups and downs will begin. It won't always be an easy ride sometimes you get thrown into the side of the car and sometimes you lose your seat. But at the end everyone enjoys the ride. That little train that goes around the park may be OK for some, but you see the longest line at the rollercoaster.

Keep us informed. We are all beside you.

[Miranda09]

I wanted to respond to a couple of points in Ryan's and others' posts on my views of secrecy and my supposed hypocrisy in that area. It's complicated.

It is true that I am becoming bolder in certain areas. I have shown my pictures to a few women at work. I have certainly been out and about dressed up, as anyone who has read one of my long-winded posts can attest. At the same time, you have seen quotes in my posts about my wife "keeping my secret" and that she "has no one to talk to." Both of those are her quotes. She says she feels that way out of an obligated embarrassment for me. She feels that if she talks to a friend, then she would be letting my secret out, thus possibly embarrassing me. Did I mention it was complicated?

Now, here's where it gets even more convoluted; As I have mentioned before, I am in a position of respect at a Baptist church nearby. My wife and I feel that although what I do is not a sin, that others may view it as such. It would affect the ministry that I am able to do if this secret were to get out. Some would be fine with it. Some would not. Either way, my role there would doubtless change. When I do go out, I do so in places that are 30 miles or more away from my home. I feel this minimizes the chance of meeting someone I know from this circle of friends. If this is hypocrisy, then I guess I am guilty.

Kathi

No Kathi...this is NOT hypocrisy. I look at it as you taking a responsible step to protect your position in your community and with your family, both of which are obviously very important to you. :hugs:

On a follow up, I just read your correspondence with your son and I think you're handling this very well and your son is also handling this quite well. Having never experienced such a situation, I can only guess what you and your son must be going thru, but from what I have read here and all your other posts since I joined this community, your approach here is exactly what you know how to do, given that you know your son better than anyone. I know things will work out, given the time. :)

[SherriePall]

Kathi -- I don't know how you could have handled your conversation with your son any differently. I am glad that he is responding as well as he is and I pray that he continues.
I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers as this continues to play out.

[KateW]

Kathi - I couldn't have worded that email any better myself. Best of luck to you both.

[Wen4cd]

Kathi,

This event has led to my wife and I talking, seriously, about 'having that talk' with our daughter now rather than later. She's going on 9, and while my dressing is not something I would do in front of her, it's something she should know about from us instead of finding out on her own by accident one day.

[Shelly Preston]

Well done Kathi

I think you have explained it all very well

With time to digest all the information you have given him I am sure your son will be fine

Thank you for sharing all this with us
I am sure this will others in a similar situation

[brmacea]

Kathi,
Your exchange with your son brought tears to my eyes. So much love and compassion.
Good luck to you all.

[arbon]

God bless you Kathi! I'm so sorry to read about you going through all this. And I am so amazed that you can come on here and be so open about what is going on, it kinda blows my mind. But it's good though, for me. Being a crossdresser creates some unique difficulties in life, and reading how others make it through those difficulties does help me. So thanks for sharing here

[Tasha VanEssen]

It would for Kathi's wife...I'm sure that would be a concern for their son. He was trying to rule out the things their son would NOT have to deal with. Try not to read anything into this that isn't there. JMHO

The point which appears to be trivialized is the role of marriage as an institution vs individual happiness. People's lives don't end if their marriages do end. To NOT have to deal with factored out items works for some people if that gets one through tough times and if you, Kathi, need to focus on what is going to get you through then by all means do it. My point is not to deny the underlying values of a society which is on the brink of change - either for good or for bad.

I firmly believe that divorced couples can still find great happiness and comfort in the relationship which changed from together to separate. My focus is how external factors in society are the cause of why it is so taboo to experience what the other gender experiences. I am not reading into this or else why are we still in the closets? Perhaps it is me losing faith in the institutions shirk responsibility. Is our society penalizing us for curiosity?

Kathi, I know because you are addressing this issue then you will conquer it and on to the next... hopefully the next one can be a fun one such as choosing a shoe store.


xoxoxoox

Tasha

[Speck]

You know, the mere fact that he is aware he needs more time, suggests he's got some wisdom.

When he's ready, I think you will approach it in your usual matter of fact and very articulate way. He's your son. I think he'll handle it just fine.

I'll be thinking about you. Keep us posted.

Tipyish

[Kathi Lake]

Kathi,

This event has led to my wife and I talking, seriously, about 'having that talk' with our daughter now rather than later.Nine sounds a bit young to me as my nine year-old has only seen crossdressing on SpongeBob , but you know the maturity level of your daughter. I do agree that it is better to tell them rather than them finding out.


Kathi,
Your exchange with your son brought tears to my eyes. So much love and compassion.
Good luck to you all.Thank you so much! Due to the way I grew up, I wanted to make sure that my relationship with my children was not like the one that my parents and I had. Love and compassion, with discipline thrown in where necessary, is the way our house runs.


And I am so amazed that you can come on here and be so open about what is going on, it kinda blows my mind. But it's good though, for me.Sure, my openness may one day come back to bite me in the butt, but that's the way I am. You always know where you stand with me. I am open to a fault. I would much rather be that way then to be closed off from others. Sure, it makes for a lot of "TMI" situations on my part, but hey, it's good for you. :)

Kathi

[Christina Horton]

Kathi gotta say again your rock hun. Me I have no Wife or kids but I would like to think I would do as good of a job raising them as good as you have. I know it will all turn out great.

[DaphneGrey]

I don't have much to add, but I am sure things will be ok for all of you. It sounds like you have a great kid! I wish your family all the best and promise to keep you in my prayers.

Oh and by the way you are by no means an ugly woman! quite the contrary but more importantly you are just a beautiful person. One of the most thoughtful, honest, and compassionate people on this forum. And it is my great pleasure to know you.

[Wen4cd]

Nine sounds a bit young to me as my nine year-old has only seen crossdressing on SpongeBob , but you know the maturity level of your daughter. I do agree that it is better to tell them rather than them finding out.

Kathi

Well, as you discovered, the longer you wait, the more you're rolling the dice that they will find out on their own.

Plus, the older they get, and the further they get into adolescence, the more negative attitudes they will be exposed to without a frame of reference to compare it to.

I could hope she gets lucky like I did, and ends up in 11th grade Health class with a competent teacher who spent half of a class period explaining that TV's weren't necessarily sick deviants, but just regular people who were more comfortable crossdressing. But that's a slim chance as well.

[Darylin]

It's funny how protective of our children we are. I have a gay son and yet I'm afraid to tell him about me. My daughter is pretty open and cool and even asked me a long time ago if I was a CD, I said no. My other son is cool too but he's younger and would probably not understand even though he would probably just shake his head and keep doing what he was doing. It's hard to say when it's a good time to come out to family.

[Vieja]

Hi Kathi, Try to get him to take a look at this site to see that your behavior is not as unusual as he may think. Good luck with the boy.

Vieja

[Chiana]

What a fascinating thread and what a terrible position to be in. This forum has many intelligent, thoughtful and compasionate members and Kathi, I think you represent the best of us. I could never have handled this situation as well as you did. And it seems obvious from all that has been posted, that your son is someone you and your wife can be proud of, as well.

[Carroll]

Glad I will never have to deal with telling one of my kids because all three know about me

[JOJO44]

Kathi and son,
My prayers for your continued conversations.
The fear of being "outed" is so great . . .
I do not believe that the fear of the unknown (the only logical fear) comes even close to this.
Being killed in a combat situation, or blown up by a bouncing betty ( I know, I am old) while walking along a peaceful footpath (war footage), or any other ghastly thing that comes to your mind, does not come close to the fear that one has of being found out by family, freinds, work associates or whatever.
I will probably pick up a lot of flack from some of the more liberal people on this web site, but that is nothing to what we try to do here to help each other. We "fight", argue and disagree, but we are here mostly because we need someone to talk to, to vent our feelings of fear, anguish and our distrust of "the public" as well as the support that all humans need.
No person, man or woman, can go it completely alone for very long. Some unfortunates are forced to survive on their own from a very young age, but most live a "normal" life with a loving family and freinds from birth through the teen years when we venture out on our own; but even then we have our mutual support groups of freinds, family and co-workers. As we progress and age we find that our support group ages with us, we begin to lose members and cling even more tightly to those that are left. The fortunate will have someone with them when it is there turn to pass on.
But with luck, we will always have someone at our back.
First is family; dad, mom, grandparents and siblings, then eventually some will have a lifetime soulmate and children and grandchildren.
So please, don't let anything separate you from your first and most important group, family.
You and your dad and mom are suffering from this part of your dad's life, that he so feared that you might find out in this manner.
Please don't throw in the towel, your dad is the same one that you have known for the past nigh on twenty years. He loves you and wants the best for you. the difference is, now you know a little bit more about him.
I know you have heard this before, but just pray and keep on keeping on.
Love and Hugs to the whole family,
Jo

[paulaN]

Kathi. You are one of the best roll models on this forum. And this situation with your son proves it even more. You do rock. For sure.

[Kathi Lake]

All right, enough with the role model garbage! I'm just a normal guy like you. I put my pantyhose on one leg at a time, just like you. Nuthin' special. :)

I just got off the phone with my son. It was a nice, normal chat - not as weird as I half-expected. He told me of acing a Humanities midterm and that he was on his way home. I guess we'll talk tonight after I run one kid to soccer, the daughter to ballet, pick Soccer Boy up, feed him, do a sound check at church, pick up Dancy Girl, feed her, pick up my wife at the airport, . . .

How do women do this?! This mom stuff is hard! :)

Thanks for all the kind comments, wishes and prayers, all!

Kathi

[Tora]

Lots of hopes and prayers riding on this! Good luck.

[Cathytg]

Your point about his working with bad information is well taken and I hope you two can talk very soon. You seem to be in control of you are and that qualifies you as an expert to talk to him. Buy him a beer and have a talk.

[paulaN]

Please let us know how he found out about Kathi. There could be a hole bunch that do not want to make that same mistake.
And sorry you are a roll model weather you like it or not. Just read your own last post. You are a good dad, and you know first hand lots of dad's are not good. So suck it up girl. LOL paula

[JennyS.]

Please let us know how he found out about Kathi. There could be a hole bunch that do not want to make that same mistake.
And sorry you are a roll model weather you like it or not. Just read your own last post. You are a good dad, and you know first hand lots of dad's are not good. So suck it up girl. LOL paula

Yes, please let us know how he found out.

[Kathi Lake]

How he found out was simple- I'm a moron.

Normally, I use Safari as my web browser. It has a wonderful feature called Private Browsing. It doesn't keep track of sites you visit. It doesn't keep track of searches you make. It doesn't keep track of cookies. It doesn't keep downloaded images. It's perfect for us and it really is a cool feature . . .

as long as you turn it on!! :)

When I got home, I fired up my browser and looked in the history. Sure enough, Crossdressers.com was, shall we say, very prevalent. So, he found out because I let my guard down. You know what? That sucks and I'm sure there will be more fallout, but I'm sure that this situation will work itself out. It always does. My life tends to be kind of "roller-coastery" in that it is filled with ups and downs - and also happens to be a heck of a lot of fun! Am I happy all the time? Nearly so, but not all the time. I just take life as it comes.

As to your other issue, yes, I am a good father. How can I not be? I love my kids! Growing up, my parents taught me so many things, gave me so many lessons - on what not to do in raising children and life in general. Often, I look back on their example, chuckle and do the opposite. It's worked pretty well so far. :)

Kathi

[Lorileah]

Just a thought, why is he looking at your history online? Do you track where he goes? ( I can see if he was 12 maybe but even that shows a lack of trust). My computers have separate screen names so you have your own piece of the HD. It just came to me "why was he looking at your history?"

[Kathi Lake]

Just a thought, why is he looking at your history online? Do you track where he goes? ( I can see if he was 12 maybe but even that shows a lack of trust). My computers have separate screen names so you have your own piece of the HD. It just came to me "why was he looking at your history?"Well, web browsers also have a nice feature - Autocomplete. Based on sites in your history, as you type letters, it "completes" your URL for you. So, type the letter "C" and you get a list of all the sites you visited starting with C. Simple, eh?

So, I don't think he was actively snooping - he's not like that - it was more serendipitous.

Kathi

[Lorileah]

Ah like my friend who tried to explain to his SO that he was searching "Butte" Montana not "butts". That didn't work out

[JulieC]

I put my pantyhose on one leg at a time

I just knew I was doing something wrong! No wonder I keep getting runs in my pantyhose! :lol:

[Kathi Lake]

I just knew I was doing something wrong! No wonder I keep getting runs in my pantyhose! :lol:Nice one, Julie!

On a totally unrelated note, my son must be doing a bit better. He has gone from not answering his phone or updating his Facebook account to talking with me and updating his Facebook status. Here's his latest one, about some homework.

"DNA replication. Stupid Polymerase and its issues. Two leading strands would be so much better. Alas, as previously stated, polymerase has issues. So I guess it's party time with RNA primers, nuclease, and Okazaki Fragments. Good thing we get along. Well, I don't know, nuclease can step out of line sometimes. But he's a good kid at heart."

Looks like his sense of humor is back as well. God, I love raising geeks! :)

Kathi

[JOJO44]

Nice one, Julie!

On a totally unrelated note, my son must be doing a bit better. He has gone from not answering his phone or updating his Facebook account to talking with me and updating his Facebook status. Here's his latest one, about some homework.

"DNA replication. Stupid Polymerase and its issues. Two leading strands would be so much better. Alas, as previously stated, polymerase has issues. So I guess it's party time with RNA primers, nuclease, and Okazaki Fragments. Good thing we get along. Well, I don't know, nuclease can step out of line sometimes. But he's a good kid at heart."

Looks like his sense of humor is back as well. God, I love raising geeks! :)

Kathi



As long as you understand what he is saying, cause I sure don't!








Just a thought, why is he looking at your history online? Do you track where he goes? ( I can see if he was 12 maybe but even that shows a lack of trust). My computers have separate screen names so you have your own piece of the HD. It just came to me "why was he looking at your history?"




Multiple names on the hard drive is excellent idea.

A program called (if I remember correctly) UTA walks right by that.
'Under The Asterick' has resolved forgotten passwords on multiple occasions for me.

To a determined hacker, there is no protection.

:love: and :hugs: to all

Jo


P.S.: I think this is post one hundred. :tongueout:cheers::brolleyes:

[Starr]

ok i can't stand it any more, have you talked to your son yet? How did it go? Is he cool with everything now?

[Kathi Lake]

Hi Starr!

So far, so good. My son came down last Friday, but had to go back that night to study for a biology test. We went out for a bit, I took him to get his hair cut and we came home. I kept waiting for it to get weird. It didn't. We have talked on the phone and via e-mail a few times since then. Everything seems to be back to normal. In a month or so, I will ask him if he has further questions. I think our e-mail exchange (on page 2 of this thread) pretty much handled it in his mind. He didn't see much, but saw enough to get confused as to my intentions, mindset, etc. Right now, I am believing that his questions were answered.

So, I'm going to give him time to process it all, now that he has the right information to process everything with.

Thanks for your thoughts, concern and prayers.

Kathi