Wife doesn't understand why one dress won't suffice?

[angpai30]

:doh:I talked with my wife again today and she is ok with me dressing, but doesn't want me spending money on clothes. I told her that one dress won't suffice because it's likely to wear out at that pace and since I am a crossdresser that I like to wear other dresses to just like she does instead of just wearing one dress ALL the time. I also told her I was planning on buying a bra and pantyhose and she said no bra because I have nothing to stick in it. I said well I am a crossdresser and there are ways of filling it and you just can't wear a dress without having support in place thus a bra with fake boobs. She smiled at me then layed on her pillow and told me that she didn't want me spending to much on it, but then again how is a girl suppose to survive without shopping for new, fun and exciting things? I want to buy a purse as well because I am planning on learning how to do makeup and go out as a girl sometime. I wanted to know what your opinion is on how to cover a rather large adams apple; I was thining of a cute choker type necklace or a scarf. you can see my adams apple in my pics so you can help me better think of a way to cover it. Anyways, how do I get her to understand that this isn't just some dress up party we are dealing with?:doh:

Hannah~~

[Violetgray]

Sounds like she is trying to be tolerant, but her understanding of it is almost non-existent. Crossdressing aside, who in any context would be happy with just one article of clothing? Even football players have alternate uniforms! Not even people in prison have just one set of clothes!

I also find it hard to believe that the idea of actually stuffing a bra to fill it out hadn't occurred to her. Sounds to me like she's somewhere between 'accepting' and 'not accepting.'

[angpai30]

I think she is in the middle at the moment and doesn't know what to do aside cooperate and go along with it atm. How do I get her fully on board or at least help her understand? I read the post on how to tell your SO, but that didn't help much because she didn't understand what I was trying to tell her.

Hannah~~

[Wen4cd]

One dress has been sufficing for me for about 3 years now, and even that's one I made myself. I don't recall spending more than $10 on a single piece of clothing in 30 years of dressing, and 10 years of full-dressing.

It's a bargain bin treasure-hunt in thrift store paradise, or else a trip to the fabric stores to see what's on sale this week.

Don't tell your wife that though.

[Ralph]

Hannah, it sounds like you might be pushing the crossdressing a little too much on your wife. If she is expressing reservations of ANY kind, back off and listen. She might be saying "don't spend too much" while meaning "you're getting too girly on me".

If you keep focusing attention on crossdressing while she's still a little bit confused and scared about it, you could very easily drive her off, and/or make her demand that you stop completely "before it goes too far."

Find out what's important to HER... make it clear that her needs and desires are just as important as your own, if not more so. Find out how much she is willing to put up with, set those limits with her, and never try to push her beyond them or argue her out of them. If she's ever ready to go beyond the limits, she will tell you.

Making your wife know that it's all about her, instead of about you, is how you'll keep her and earn her support for what you want to do.

[Jessica Who]

If your wife is somewhere in the middle, that's great! Just take it easy and don't push too hard or she may fall back to the non accepting side. It will take time for her to understand why you need more clothes but as was said above, you could browse the thrift stores and get some great deals.

In any case best of luck :D

[Tamara Croft]

I talked with my wife
I told her
I also told her I was
I said well I am
I want to buy
I wanted to know
I was thining of
how do I get her


Anyways, how do I get her to understand that this isn't just some dress up party we are dealing with?8 times you said 'I'... The only time you said 'we' was getting her to deal with it. Maybe if you actually discussed this with her without telling her what you are doing, what you want to buy etc.. and stop making this all about you, maybe she might start dealing with it. Right now, you sound a tad selfish.

[Michelle S]

You might propose a CD budget. What would be a reasonable amount to send on your hobby per month? If your finances are indeed tight it may be that you'll need to cut back on something else, e.g., golf or power tools. :eek:
Or, maybe she gets to buy a new dress every time you do. ;)

But, what the others have said about not pushing her too fast and that her financial concerns may be masking deeper fears are very important points to keep in mind. :thumbsup:

[Sally2005]

The budget is good idea...then you can buy what you want and not miss any mortgage payments. Another thing to do, is shop at thrift stores and you can build a whole collection of stuff for not much money.

I would slow down with your wife, don't commit to any limits yet, but let her get familiar with it before going to far.

[Violetgray]

All this begs the question, how long has she known? And how much have you talked to her about it?

[Fab Karen]

Tell her if you have to have only one, she has to as well. :)

Seriously, you have to explain to her how much it means to be able to dress up. You have to be completely honest, not just let her think you wanna wear one item & not everything including wig & make-up.
And definitely think about what Tamara said about your post.

[AndroRemi]

My personal take on it is she thinks you're just going through a phase. Whenever I get excited over a new hobby or something, that is word for word what my parents tell me; "Don't spend a lot of money on this..." If she has known for a long time, then my theory is shot, but otherwise it fits your scenario better than that glove fit OJ.

[Bev06 GG]

My guess is that she has probably heard on the grapevine how impulsive cross dressers can be when it comes to buying new clothes. I have to say that mine has pushed the boundaries to the absolute limit. He has a wardrobe full of female clothes and hardly any male clothes. His shoes fall out of the wardrobe when he opens the door and his handbags are all piled up in a cupboard.
It does, even for an accepting GG, all become a tad overwhelming.
Bev

[PretzelGirl]

I agree with most here in that you need to slow down. Work the communications some more. Some of the ways I was able to spend money on clothing. First, we set our budget so we each get some discretionary money to blow. If you can afford this, you can use it on clothing. You may need to hit all the sales and/or Deseret Industries (church run Goodwill for the non-Utahns). Second, once the clothes were around and her acceptance level was higher, we have done some shopping together.

To me the don't do's. First, you shouldn't be spending more than her. There may be exceptions for some reasons for instance when I got forms, it was from my discretionary money. She wasn't interested in forms and I don't know why. :heehee:

Second, slow and steady. You can't wear it all at once, so be selective instead of getting a lot real quick. I blew this one and have a lot of clearance clothing that I wear, but a lot of the same type of things. It was a deal so I bought it without considering building a wardrobe that was compact, but effective.

Third, any time she seems a little down on the dressing, pull the shopping plug for a while. Acceptance comes in waves sometimes as everyone has swings in their moods. Don't let a shopping bug push the envelope at a bad time.

Good luck and keep the patience. It is important.

[Andy66]

Well, I don't have too much to add. I agree with a lot of what's been said here. If you do decide on a budget, take a look at the ladies' department where you work. There's always some sort of clearance going on. (I know, I work there too.) No need to go anywhere really expensive. Just act like it's for your wife or relative. ;)

[Presh GG]

Maybe you could ask her to go shopping with you. Invite her to be a part of the growing process.
It's not just about you alone if you want your wife to fully accept you, you need to remember this.

You really sound like you're going way too fast. From one dress to going out as a girl.

Listen to Tamara

springtime GG

[Rebecca Jayne]

You SO knows and accepts Wonderful for the both of you.
Now patience dear, this ain't no race.

First Indulge in your wife
Two Love, honor & respect your wife
Three Communicate


As far as your clothing budget is concerned:
A lot of girls here shop Goodwill and find unbelievable outfits for pennies on the dollar

[docrobbysherry]

Your description of the conversations with your wife, and her reservations sound like, " DANGER, DANGER", to me!:eek:

[angpai30]

Thank you all for your comments. In our conversation last night she said that she wanted to stay with me and not jump ship because she loves me and I'm a great father. I was also told that she has really been surprised because before I started dressing again I seemed kind of down and depressed and it took a lot of effort to get me to do anything, but when I started dressing again I seemed upbeat and much happier. She also was pleased that the house gets cleaned more often and all she really has to worry about are the dishes and laundry and I clean everything else. The intimate relations have gotten better as well and she has noticed that and has really enjoyed it; so the relationship isn't on rocky ground. Going out as a girl has been unsaid because I think it needs to atm. I did tell her that I wanted to go out dressed up on my birthday and she said she didn't find that a turn on or attractive, but still finds me attractive as a husband; she has made it clear that she still loves me and is willing to support me when I need it. I did use a lot of I's when I wrote my initial post and wasn't thinking because I wanted to vent my frustration, which did help!! I do agree that maybe I am going a little to fast and my wife has agreed to let me dress as long as I go to a therapy group. As far as her knowing; I told her when I first asked her to marry me and she initially said it was ok that I dressed, but then changed her mind and I had to pack everything up for 3 1/2 years. Everything was undone the past month as far as me dressing because I have had the urge to dress so much more now than I did then and that is probably from being away from it so long. We discussed this about a week ago and it was brought up that I felt like I was living a lie by not being who I am and that boxing everything up isn't going to fix anything and it's like working a math problem: you can't find a solution to the problem if you don't have the problem in front of you to solve. We both agreed and started setting boundaries, which it is ok to do it in front of her, but the kids are not allowed to see it. As far as not spending to much on it she means that because we have a limited budget that she doesn't want me spending a whole lot because we have bills to pay and we already have such a low income already, which I think I will have to stay with the thrift stores if I am going to even be able to dress. I won't be able to buy a wig or breast forms so those are out, but I will be able to buy a bra and pantyhose.

Hannah~~

[AndroRemi]

Thrift stores are perhaps the best place for dressing if you just want to pass as an actual woman, but if you're dressing because you want to stand out and be sexy, yeah, that can be constrictive. I suppose you could save up money on the side for your crossdressing fund and then buy things slowly and you'd still be good. I do agree with the wife though, bills come first, so if something comes up you need to put your life as a husband ahead of your dressing and make sure that those are covered. Just keep those wants vs needs in check and you'll do fine.

[Andy66]

I seem to recall seeing a few threads on homemade breast forms. It might be worth searching for. Also look for a heavily padded bra or a pushup bra. Most men aren't completely flat chested, so you might be able to work with what you naturally have in the same way a small chested GG would.

I'm happy to hear that you're honest with your wife and you're having good talks. :)