Heartbreak

[Melissa Davis]

Hi Everyone,

I have not written much in a long time. Those that remember me from a year or so back probably remember that I was one of the 'lucky ones' with an understanding wife.

Well, it's been 2 years since I have come out to her. And now it's over. She is leaving me for someone else. She sites my crossdressing as pretty much the biggest reason.

I've had lots of fun with my crossdressing. I've went to clubs a lot. Sometimes she would go with. We did have lots of fun together.

I think for some (wives/ girlfriends), when their man tells them that he likes to look like a woman (even just for a couples hours here and there), it can have them crave a more 'manly man' instead. This is so frustrating, because she loved me big time before she knew I dressed, loved my skinny body, but after I came out to her, she craved guys with big arms that were more manly.

I'm a MAN dammit. My crossdressing is a role I like to play. Yes it's apart of me, but I'm still a man. I'm so so so upset and sooooo broken. We were together for 8 years. The best times of my life. THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE!

I'm so sad that her version of me was changed when she found out. To me crossdressing was just like learning a musical instrument. No one would think any different of me if I told them I play guitar. And that's how I saw my crossdressing. Learning how to walk and talk was just like learning a new language to me (except easier). I saw it as creative and beautiful. ----All she saw was her man dying off.

So now that she is leaving me, I feel like I have a disease now. I don't want to live my life single, and I'm scared out of my mind that I won't find someone attractive that I will fall in love with that will love me for me. I don't want this to ever happen again. No matter how I tried to make her see that it was just a roll that I enjoy slipping into, she never saw me the same again.

I don't know what else to say. I'm sooo so so hurt and sad. Edit:: For those wondering, I am 33

[Meghan]

I am so sorry. This must feel impossible, and I was once there too.

It took me years to try again. Years. I never though I would, and I took this huge chance.

Please, if anything else, learn as much as you can from this event. I refused to do that for a long time. A couple of years I think I spent drinking myself to sleep, wishing that I were more "normal".

However, from what I can tell you are young, beautiful, trusting and you know who you are and want you want. These are wonderful qualities to have. The right woman is out there, I am sure, and she will find these qualities in you and love you for them.

Hang in there. We are all dealing with something bigger than we can either accept or know. Sometimes I think this is a curse. But most of the time, I realize it's a gift.

I hope this helps,

Meghan

[Jacqueline Vasquez]

OMG im so sorry. that is terrible.

[GaleWarning]

I just want to say how sorry I am to hear of your situation.

As someone (T) who perported to be supportive of me said, when she left,
"Just be happy that we were able to spend a few years together."

And later she acknowledged, "We had fun!"

Life goes on ... you are free to find someone who is truly supportive of you and your crossdressing.

[Daintre]

Melissa, I am so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately I can agonize with you here. I was devastated when my marriage of 13 years ended due to my dressing. I can offer my shoulder to cry on, a hug...and my ear to listen. You have a wealth of friends here to help you come through this. :hugs:

[melissacd]

Melissa,

I am sorry for your loss. for some wives/girlfriends it does change how the partner is perceived. I had that happen to me too after being with my ex for 25 years. She told me flat out that she could not be with a man who was less than a man.

It was painful and devastating, but she did me a huge favor even though it did not seem that way at the time. now I am out on my own, dressing as I please and I have a wonderful and beautiful girlfriend who is totally okay with my dressing and shares that part of my life with me.

It looks dark now and it will take a long time to heal, but it will heal and life will move forward and life will get better. Just hang in there girl.

Melissa

[docrobbysherry]

until CDing, or some other silly thing, gets in the way!":brolleyes:

I'm so sorry, Melissa! I was totally devastated after my ex and I separated. Then divorced. It took years, but I'm BACK enjoying life!:)

Altho, she was the only woman I've ever really loved, I KNOW our split was for the best! :eek:
We see each other all the time, because of our child. And all the pain, resentment, and remorse I felt has GONE! :)

And I KNOW someday u will feel that way, too!:thumbsup:

[Presh GG]

Melissa,

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. Things will get better ,you will meet another lovely accepting lady, just take some time to heal.
Please open your heart to the future. You will be happy again. Promise.

Peace,
springtime GG

[Megan_Girl]

Melissa I'm so sorry to here this ..... this is also my story. My wife figured it out after nearly 20 years of marriage. She said she understood and accepted. 12 months later she said it was all an act - she didn't understand and would never accept. She said I was sick and I had to see a therapist. I did and she did too.
14 months later and I'm miserable! Were still together..... she tolerates but doesn't accept. I simple can't let go of my anger and resentment.

XXX
Megan

[Christina Horton]

It breaks my heart to hear these stories. I am single and have not had a GF for 8 or 9 years. I drive truck and am not home much. You had the love of a good women and to have this be apart of your life's is unfortunately some times very hard to deal with. You can think of it this way, What if you were not a CDer and you wife came to you at say you 9 year and said " I wanted to tell you that I am a Crossdresser and I have a large part of me who wants to be a man. I would love to do manly stuff like go to a bar and stuff , with you . I would love to be able to hug and kiss you and stuff like that." Ok in this hypothetical situation she wants you to full except the CDing and wants you to Over time to be ok with going out with her and be Guy chums. You might be perceived as boy friends. I know it is of the subject but I want you to see it from her point of view. Yes this was to the extreme and you did not expect her to do all this but from her side it may have felt like it.

You can't be someone your not and pretending to be is a bigger lie then not coming out to her years ago. Your still the man of the house , your just a more rounded man. More caring then the macho men are.

She sounds like she was a good wife just had the blinders on and could not see beyond it. I am so sorry for your loss of your love of your life , but Like I said I never had that and I think you were very lucky to have had that.

I wish you luck and my prayers go out to you hun.

[Melissa Davis]

I am so sorry for your loss of your love of your life , but Like I said I never had that and I think you were very lucky to have had that.

Yes, I do feel lucky. I hate it when people say that wasted x amount of years with someone. I know this can be true a lot of the time, but it's not for me. I've got my memories and pictures and everything in my heart i will take with me. I don't think of it as wasted time. Just another chapter(s) in my life.

Althogh I would like the remaining chapters to be with just one girl this time. :)

[kay2]

Melissa,
They may have been the best years of your life SO FAR - but you have a lot more living that you get to do. Believe, as we get older life gets better in many ways.

[TJ Tresa]

My dear Melissa, first of all let me say I am sorry that your marriage didn't work out. Secound let me say that it may or maynot have been your dressing that drove her away. sometimes people find other people. So with that in mind please realize she probably just used your Cding as an excuse to justify her actions of infidelity.

[JennyS.]

I hope you get through this okay, Melissa. Breakups are never easy, no matter what the reason. You asked your wife to accept something about you that she wasn't comfortable with. Sounds like she became a little shallow. But, who am I to say?

I wish you the best.

[Rogina B]

You have so many years left to enjoy and you will find a new lifestyle and someone to enjoy that with.You don't mention children,so I assume you can move through this more easily.It will get a whole lot better for you. Sad when this stuff happens to so many of us.:2c:

[Claire Cook]

Melissa,

I'm so sorry -- you must feel devastated. But your last post sounds hopeful. I know you will find the right person, but it will take time.

Claire

[Vash]

I'm so sorry to read this. All these trials and tribulations just to do something we enjoy

[Satrana]

It is the saddest thing in the world to see a loving relationship die because of a change in perception. No matter how gutted you feel right now you are on the right track back to recovery because you value the years you had together and do not regret. This is the right attitude, hold onto it, and you will find another love of your life will find your values something worth keeping.

[tinalynn]

Sorry to hear such sad news about anyone. I've only had one 'real' breakup and it was hard. I don't want to imagine a divorce. I hope yours won't be bitter and that you can still remain friends because it sounds like you both had a lot of fun at times. Good luck to you...

[DanyaKay]

Sounds horrible, just like a storm when it passes by. But it does pass on. It's tough to deal with sometimes but hang in there. There are some good words of encouragement here. Keep kickin' dk

[Leelou]

Oh, Melissa, so sorry to hear this. Be strong. I sincerely hope that our little community here can help you through this.

[il.dso]

Please accept my best wishes in the days ahead.
Hope this website is a source of support for you.
Crossdressing presents such joys and challenges.
Hang in there.

[Karren H]

Awwww. Not much else I can say expect I'm so sorry.. Hope your pain fades and you get on with what ever path you choose to persue...

[mklinden2010]

Well, this is gonna hurt for a while, but things happen and despite all good sense, we live and move on. As with all such losses, just keep breathing in and out and you'll get past this.

It's great you have such good memories. Beats the bitter ones. And, love never dies - what was true then is still true now, only the times have changed.

Wish her well. If in some sense this new relationship is a "rebound thing" it may not work out all that great for her. But, "Everybody has to do what they gotta do" so just try to be there if she needs to touch base with you later. You can't change the past, or, live there, but you can chose to reference it in a positive way.

Meanwhile, what worked before will work again. Next time will be different, and it may take a few tries, but muddle through until something good starts working again. You'll be glad you did. Everybody goes through highs and lows in life - this is just one of those lows.

Here's the bottom line, of course, if you're a loving person, love will come back into your life even better and you'll treasure it more and more. People come and go, for one reason or another, but if you're the right kind of person, you'll always heal and love again. That, in itself, makes you attractive.

Congratulations for all that you have done well so far, and good luck with all that you will do well in the future.

[SherriePall]

I am sorry to hear about your troubles.
I want to reiterate what some others have already posted. One, your dressing may or may not have been the reason. It could very easily been a pre-emptive strike by her before you found out what she was doing. Two, while I have not gone through what you are, I do know that our problems only last as long as we allow them to. Sooner or later, you will be living and loving life again.
I ask that you take care and not do anything rash or foolish until that time comes.

[TxKimberly]

Like everyone else, I am so sorry to hear of your pain and loss. I've also been married a rather long time (22 years) and couldn't imagine it ending.
I would also have to agree with some of the others that i doubt very much crossdressing is the real reason - it was probably just the easiest thing to blame or point to.
I don't like condescending and pat little responses, but it IS true that you ARE young, and have plenty of time to find someone that will love you for who you are. Don't give up on that.

[pinkeverything]

I think I'm just about ready to start dating again. I've taken a long break. This time, however, certain requirements need to be met.

First, will be trust. The very first time I sense a degree of dishonesty that goes beyond what a healthy relationship could endure, I'm OUT.

Secondly, acceptance. I really like myself, so she should, too. I accept myself, why wouldn't she. I think crossdressing is brilliant. I think that it is inventive and exciting, just like a good lover should be. If she doesn't accept it, I'm OUT. I gotta be me, no matter what.

Thirdly, but not lastly, will be attitude. If she thinks it's OK to be a bitch, I'm OUT. I'm not one, nor can I handle one. I'm not signing up for misery. I'm not going to invite crazy into my life.

[cd_jamie]

sorry to hear of your loss. you are young enough to start over. it sucks starting over I know this. my ex ran off with some creep she met online and got the beat everyday for 2 years before she left the guy. she wanted back with me but I had moved on. the divorce will suck even worse if you got kids. they always blame them selves. hang in there life does get better.

[KayC]

I'm sorry this has happened.
How long were you married before you told her you CD?
When you are ready to show interest in dating, let them know upfront...if they are good with it in the beginning, they'll be less likely to change their minds.
It can be complicated to us GGs...it may have to do with her own insecurity rather than not seeing you as a man...our interaction is important. If we don't see ourselves as the feminine one in the couple, it may make us doubt ourselves. One answer can be find someone masculine that makes us feel feminine...but the better answer would be to come to terms with our own self and realize that however our partner is does NOT make us less feminine...work on our own self-assuredness instead of seeking it outward based. THAT would be the preferable goal, yet it does take some working through and some GGs don't seem to realize what is going on within them.

[DonnaT]

So sorry to hear that Melissa.

As devastating as it is now, the pain will ease in the future, if you give it time and don't do anything foolish. And only time will tell if you can find another true love, one who can accept all of who you are.

Being trans is not a disease. Makes me wonder how your wife would have reacted if your really did have a disease that made you weaker, etc.?

[carolinoakland]

I have been through a rough one, or still am actually. I'd be worried it I didn't feel anything at all.It will take me a long time this time... in fact I'm done. No more looking. Of course I was always living a lie so no wonder eh? I am happy now as a full time woman moving forward to change my life forever. I have no room in my life for anyone else, and that is the price of my joy and the journey. Someday my heart will be earned, It's never been before so I don't hold out much hope for that happy ending. On another note, I noted the sac location and mention it only because I was up there two weekends ago for the River City Gems Sparkle event. It was my first one, I enjoyed myself thouroghly. If you haven't met up with these girls I highly recomend it. I am also on the excom for Transgender San Francisco. Carol

[Tina B.]

Let me add my condolences for the death of a marriage, but also add that as me others on here can attest to, Life can be better the second time around.
My second wife not only tolerates me being a Cross dresser, she loves and pampers that side of me. When your ready, get out there and put in the effort to find a woman that will love you for what you are, all of what you are, they really are out there!
Tina

[sherri]

I feel you gurl, I really do. My divorce, even tho it had nothing to do with CDing, broke my heart. You will probably be replaying scenes and scenarios over in your head for quite some time, and input from others will run the gamut, but only you, in the fullness of time, will be able to sort out what happened and why. But hearing your story prompted these thoughts:


I think you have to accept the fact that from your wife's perspective you effectively switched horses mid-stream, so to speak. It takes a special person to be genuinely attracted to and fulfilled by a TG partner, and I personally have a hard time blaming someone who just can't buy into it the way we'd like. We may wish that they, and love, could be bigger than that, but we can't really throw stones, right? I mean, it's asking a lot, really. We give a lot of gushy lip service to the hypothetical, but I betcha there are a lot of mtf CDs who couldn't handle their wives pulling an ftm transition on them.
Be honest with yourself about whether or not you might have been a tad too self-absorbed. I know many CDs are. I am (silently) observing first-hand a marriage where one of my CD friends is, imo, waaayyy too self-absorbed, and I've heard his wife quietly express some frustration ... it won't surprise me at all if she eventually leaves him, and I don't think he will see it coming.
I'm sure your wife has some wonderful qualities and you were quite right to love her as you have, but not only has she rejected you, showing a scooch less character than you were counting on, she's been cheating on you, dude. That ain't so wonderful. Cheating hurts, I know, but dwell not on the details of that but rather on the kind of person who would do that. Maybe you're better off that it happened now and not later.
You do NOT have a disease! And you're not "sick". But you are complicated and unfamiliar and maybe even a little scary to someone, anyone, who has no TG experience. That's a reflection of our culture, not you, so keep that in mind.
And it's a black lie that there isn't someone out there for you. BUT -- and this is a big but -- you have essentially shrunk your dating pool considerably by virtue of your gender expression. I mean, besides finding someone who is attracted to a feminine guy, in light of society's attitude CDing complicates the hell out of things and not everyone is up to the challenge. All this means is that you're just going to have to work harder than normal at finding someone new, be more creative and aggressive in your strategy and efforts, and have more patience. And don't be in any hurry -- give yourself time to heal and sort things out so you don't follow one mistake with another.
Speaking of which, replacing your wife with another woman isn't a high priority right now. For one thing, that's not the only form of companionship available to you. Certainly you should give yourself all the quiet time you need, but don't retreat into a shell of recrimination and self-loathing. Get out regularly, lean on your friends for support and find your comfort zone again. There's no law that says you have to paired up right now. You could be in for pretty good times just hangin out and playing the field.

You're really cute, and you seem like a really sweet person. You're young and have plenty of time to get it all worked out, even find someone new eventually, if that's what you want. We may have chosen a complicated lifestyle for ourselves, but there are plenty of gurls in this forum who can testify that it is possible to find your heart's desire. It is just a fact of life and God's provenance that often the changes that are best for us in the long run hurt the most for awhile.

This too shall pass, sweetheart.

xoxo

[Eleanor M]

*hugs you* I feel so sorry for you. You'll find a princess is waiting out there for you,and you'll find her someday.

[carhill2mn]

I am so sorry for you. Unfortunately, this has happened to many of us.

[sherri52]

I have been there twice. There is nothing stoping me from trying again. Some women can handle it, some actually encourage it( I'm looking for that one), and some can't do it. We should move on. Be thankful you didn't have children with a $352 a week child support payment.

[JamieG]

Melissa, your story makes me so sad. I can't imagine losing my wife, particularly after a period of apparent acceptance. Stay strong!

[sissystephanie]

Melissa and all the others who have gone through a divorce because of CD'ing, my heart does go out to all of you! I can't say I know how you feel, because I have never been there in the manner that you have!

However................I lost my spouse after 49+ years of marriage. But from death, not by divorce or in any way related to my CD activities. I told her about being a CD BEFORE we married and she totally accepted and supported me all through our marriage.

Melissa, the fact that you were living a lie for a number of years before you finally told her probably was a factor in her leaving you. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you, but look at it from her standpoint! What if she had been seeing a boyfriend for several years and then finally told you? Would you have decided to forgive and forget forever? Probably not!

That is why I so strongly urge open and totally honest communication prior to marriage! There are plenty of fish in the sea, and believe it or not quite a few of the female ones will accept a MtF CD if he is honest about it! Honest Communication is the KEY! O.K., I will get off my soapbox now!!

[Nicole_LovesRay-Ray]

This was such a touching story.. hope everything is better now..