Wife/SO less accepting of you than strangers? Desperately seeking some level of under

[Danielle Austin]

I finally gathered enough courage to come out to my wife about my crossing dressing in July. She had all the usual questions about my gender identity and sexual preference. I poured my soul out to her and definitely felt better about no longer holding this secret from her.

I guess my dream was that she would have been instantly understanding and accepting. Instead, her reaction was much more complicated. I think she WANTS to be understanding and accepting, but since I am her husband she can't. At one point, she even said that "As a friend, coming out was definitely the right thing to do. However, as you wife, I'm not sure how I feel about it".

Recognizing that this kind of revelation is very difficult for a wife/SO to come to terms with, I have been very careful to give her time and space. I have never cross dressed in front of her. I have not even brought up the subject again since late in July. It guess it's like "Don't ask, don't tell".

I suspect that she wishes the whole thing would just go away. However, I am certain that she also knows very clearly that cross dressing is simply part of who I am. So, my sadness lies in the fact that she has made no further attempt to reach out to me to show her understanding that what I feel is real and often very frustrating. Part of me thinks that I need to talk to her, but I'm loathe to bring up cross dressing again, given her icy reception before.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I am particularly interested in the perspective of the GGs on why acceptance of a SO is so much harder than acceptance for others.

I guess my title was too long....

"Wife/SO less accepting of you than strangers? Desperately seeking some level of understanding/acceptance."

[Di]

GG here..you prob will not like my answer. But was wondering how long were you together before you told her.As that does take some getting over......the not telling..... that I have found is the key /
BUT more importantly you had how many YEARS to come to terms with your tgness.......and she has had since July?:eek:
The good news is you did tell her AND she seems to taking it at a pace she feels comfortable with. Please do talk....ask her how she is feeling about it..........maybe tell her about the GG forum here.You not talking about it since July....does that mean you still hide it from her?
Anyways ...talk...be patient....show her you love her.....hang in there:hugs:

[vikki2020]

Di has a very good point there, it's still pretty early. It's been two years since I told my wife, and she still doesn't want to talk about it,but she has been more accepting.She wants no part of it, but she will bend a bit, and help me to get time to dress. Little things like calling before she gets home. Baby steps. Slow baby steps.:)

[Miranda09]

I agree with Vikki and Di here. Take it very slow and let her ask the questions, at her own pace. There's alot of confusion right now, as well as alot of preconcieved notions as to what a TG person is. You'll have to be her guide, maybe even suggesting a visit to this site if she is ever ready for that step. Good luck to you...we're all here for you and your SO. :)

[KayC]

I agree with what has been said so far. She is probably burying her head in the sand and hoping it'll go away, which is why, IMO, you need to bring it up again. Don't try to force it on her, just probe a little as to what she is thinking and let her know nothing has changed, maybe plant a bug in her ear about coming on line here and getting her to the FAB section where there are other GGs she can talk to...let her know she is not alone and there are others that are going through the same thing as her, see how she'd feel about talking with us. Try to protect her from going all over this site, maybe have her go into the "Loved Ones" at first to get her ten posts in...some of the posts elsewhere would be enough to scare any new GG off.
Give her time to adjust, this had to be a real shock to her and she likely doesn't know HOW to handle it. Wanting to and feeling able to can be two different things. Time, patience...

[Sandra]

Bring the subject up again. I have sometimes seen that the SO is waiting for the cder to broach the cding again as to be honest they just don't know what to say, their mind is in turmoil, especially if they've been married for a years and then this is dropped on them, they feel that they don't knwo this person anymore.

She's had since july 3 months. belive me that is not long, it can take months even years for ans SO to become comfy with it all.

Talk to her and try to get her to join here adn the FAB forum.

[Sheila]

you have had some good advice so I won't bother to repeat it just say I agree with it

When/if you bring it up again, you can certainly tell her about the FAB forum here and let her know that the GG's here are at all stages with this, from them as hate it, but are trying to gather some knowledge and understanding to help their relationships, all the way through to those that have known for years, hated it in the beginning and now are not only accepting but actively enjoy having a TG partner, there are those who sought TG partners, and there are those that have had TG partners previously and have remained active members here ............. we are a wide bunch of GG's all at differing acceptance levels, all supporting/questioning,helping at different stages and levels:)

[Joanne f]

Accepting what strangers do can be a lot easier for your wife as there are no emotional attachments to them , so you can see it but at the end of the day you can walk away from it , which is a hell of a lot different when your partner,husband or SO is doing it .
So it can take a lot longer for your wife to adjust to knowing that her (man) is one of those, so give her time and understanding to make that adjustment.

[mklinden2010]

If there's one error I see over and over again among crossdressing husbands or boyfriends it's the lack of leadership when it comes to keeping the issue on the table in the relationship.

Over and over again it's, "I fessed up, poured out my heart, took the big risk... Then, nothing... Now, I'm afraid... (Or, angry...) "

What bull. You're the one with the issue that needs discussion; you already got the ball rolling; you're responsible for the ongoing results. You want your SO to be involved? YOU stay involved. What else, exactly, is she supposed to do about your life - your side of the relationship and her part in the marraige? She didn't run screaming out the door... That's huge already.

Show some "husbandry" on this matter and tend to the business at hand. Don't leave it to her to entirely figure out what to do on her own. It's your deal, you stick with it and lead her to an understanding of who, what, when, where, how, why that works - for you, her, and/or, both of you.

You brought it up; everyone is different; show her and tell her how you want it handled.

I checked with my SO about this before I started typing and she noted that friends and strangers are not as close to the issue as the wife or SO would be so, "of course their response is going to be different." And, "She's also dealing with something that's been withheld until now and now she had to figure out what else is different from what she thought was going on."

So, unless you're living with friends and strangers in a pledged marriage, stop comparing their reactions and behaviors to your wife. It's stupid and disrespectful. And, get busy filling in all the gaps you just created in her mind and in your lives by actively defining who you are, what you like, and so forth so she can figure out what the hell she is doing with you.

It may turn out great. It may not. But, your doing nothing is the worst thing you could do:

You're not a crossdressing husband, you're a crossdressing coward.

Man up, put your best skirt on, and deal with your life.

By the way, I read these endless posts about, "Go slow... Give it time... Don't push." Three months of silence on your part is just stupid. You're a crossdresser and she knows it. Respect her intelligence and work this issue to a mutually acceptable arrangement.

A good marriage, a decent marriage, is not about unmentionable problems. It is about dealing with the things that come up in life and working them out together.

Work.

[SherriePall]

Her acceptance of you is due to the Law Of Relativity. The closer one is related to the person crossdressing, the less likely that there will be immediate and total acceptance.
Trust me, I have seen this in action. It's all right for someone on a television show or movie to dress, but not my husband! (Even if the husband looks better than 99 per cent of those on television. LOL)

[Fran Moore]

Accepting what strangers do can be a lot easier for your wife as there are no emotional attachments to them , so you can see it but at the end of the day you can walk away from it , which is a hell of a lot different when your partner,husband or SO is doing it .
So it can take a lot longer for your wife to adjust to knowing that her (man) is one of those, so give her time and understanding to make that adjustment.
Hi Danielle,

Asking for some level of understanding is one thing, asking for acceptance, that is entirely different. Now she understands that you are a crossdresser, but she may never accept it. It makes us feel better when we "unload" out secret, but the weight of that knowledge to our S.O.'s can be very heavy indeed, and unpleasant as well. Other threads here and posts by GG's will attest to "trust issues" when they are told "after the fact", and rightfully so. That doesn't mean that many women won't find compassion, regain their trust of you, and eventually find acceptance. Go slow, don't pressure, vacillate or compromise your true feelings, and try to live your life within the parameters that are tolerable to you both. And yes, she probably wishes it would just go away, as does my wife of 30 yrs.

Best wishes to you both.

[Lorileah]

If there's one error I see over and over again among crossdressing husbands or boyfriends it's the lack of leadership when it comes to keeping the issue on the table in the relationship.

Over and over again it's, "I fessed up, poured out my heart, took the big risk... Then, nothing... Now, I'm afraid... (Or, angry...) "

What bull. You're the one with the issue that needs discussion; you already got the ball rolling; you're responsible for the ongoing results. You want your SO to be involved? YOU stay involved. What else, exactly, is she supposed to do about your life - your side of the relationship and her part in the marraige? She didn't run screaming out the door... That's huge already.

Show some "husbandry" on this matter and tend to the business at hand. Don't leave it to her to entirely figure out what to do on her own. It's your deal, you stick with it and lead her to an understanding of who, what, when, where, how, why that works - for you, her, and/or, both of you.

You brought it up; everyone is different; show her and tell her how you want it handled.

I checked with my SO about this before I started typing and she noted that friends and strangers are not as close to the issue as the wife or SO would be so, "of course their response is going to be different." And, "She's also dealing with something that's been withheld until now and now she had to figure out what else is different from what she thought was going on."

So, unless you're living with friends and strangers in a pledged marriage, stop comparing their reactions and behaviors to your wife. It's stupid and disrespectful. And, get busy filling in all the gaps you just created in her mind and in your lives by actively defining who you are, what you like, and so forth so she can figure out what the hell she is doing with you.

It may turn out great. It may not. But, your doing nothing is the worst thing you could do:

You're not a crossdressing husband, you're a crossdressing coward.

Man up, put your best skirt on, and deal with your life.

By the way, I read these endless posts about, "Go slow... Give it time... Don't push." Three months of silence on your part is just stupid. You're a crossdresser and she knows it. Respect her intelligence and work this issue to a mutually acceptable arrangement.

A good marriage, a decent marriage, is not about unmentionable problems. It is about dealing with the things that come up in life and working them out together.

Work.

I don't see that ending well. My way or the highway attitude can have you with your riding your thumb on I-80 (Gawd I sound like Dr Phil sometimes).

I am not totally in favor of a long wait either. She may think at this point you went through a "phase" and now you are over it.

Discussing this over a nice meal (you prepared) would be an idea. Talk about things that are important to her (how was your day, did the kids do well?) that at least makes it about her to start before you get into the "I want" area.

"I know we discussed this before, but it is really important to me to know how you feel about it. I have a desire to wear ____ and I can promise you that it is not anything that reflects on you as my wife. It is what I feel inside. I know you have questions and I would like very much to see if we, together, can work through those questions. Let me start. I am sure you are afraid I might want to "change". It is not my desire at this time to do that. I love out relationship. I love that you try and understand the things I do, even when they don't make sense to you. I want to be with you forever however, this is something in me. I have tried to suppress it but I cannot."

That will leave you with silence for a bit as she processes that. Give her time. After awhile you can ask if she has any questions, anything that can ease her mind. Be honest. Don't promise anything you cannot keep. That will only bring resentment later when you fail (and you will fail). Start simple. Small steps but don't let this ferment. She may think that right now you are "over it". It will hurt her a lot more if she finds out through a second source.

That is how I would handle it. Maybe jumping out of the closet in a red bustier and 6" pumps can resolve the matter quicker. It seems to have done that in several other threads. Of course they are now looking for an apartment and a good lawyer. Just sayin'

[mklinden2010]

>>That is how I would handle it. Maybe jumping out of the closet in a red bustier and 6" pumps can resolve the matter quicker. It seems to have done that in several other threads. Of course they are now looking for an apartment and a good lawyer. Just sayin'


L,

Very funny!

Yes, walk - don't leap - out of the closet.

And, I'll say it again, the worst thing that could happen is not a divorce, loosing your kids, etc. The worst thing that could happen is that you mismanage everyone's lives so that you all wind up unhappy, damaged, and angry at lives that went to hell not because of something like crossdressing, but because an issue, any issue, was poorly handled for a lifetime.

Deal with the real and work for happier outcomes.

E-v-e-r-y day.

[Christine Rugby]

You have some various levels of advice here. Only from a GG perspective, is that you need to give her some time. My SO came out to me in Oct and I ignored the issued until just last month. Literally, no talking, no looking, no nothing. I know this wasn't the best way to deal, but it was my way of dealing. I am now in a better place and I am learning and growing with my SO and learning more. So, time is important. Especially, if you have been married for a number of years, like Di pointed out.

As for your question about strangers vs. family, I believe someone already said it. I am not emotionally invested with strangers. So, what does it matter who there are? Also, even with close friends-it doesn't matter as long as they are happy. With my SO, on one level, I am thrilled that s/he has discovered this wonderful side of her/himself and is exploring it in a healthy manner. How wonderful to find a level of understanding about yourself to be the person you always wanted to be. On the other, it is difficult to accept and understand from a SO/GG perspective and therefore, acceptance takes longer until my questions are answered and reassurance is given about my role and if this person will be different than what I agreed to at the alter etc. Maybe, that is a harsh attitude and shows my lack of understanding, but it is where I am at right now.

One person I believe commented about stepping up to the plate and taking charge of the conversation etc. Granted, I think they went a little on the harsh side, I do agree with that. My SO has taken that stance and asks me questions and gives me information and pointed me to this forum as a resource along with books and other websites etc. You could certainly do the same when she is ready to ask you those questions as well. Don't let her hide out with her own thoughts and mind-she can cook up a lot of scenarios that can be bad! Take the bull by the horns, and don't let this just fade away. You started down a good path, but no one said the good/right path would be easy.

[Fraye]

"I checked with my SO about this before I started typing and she noted that friends and strangers are not as close to the issue as the wife or SO would be so, "of course their response is going to be different." And, "She's also dealing with something that's been withheld until now and now she had to figure out what else is different from what she thought was going on."

So, unless you're living with friends and strangers in a pledged marriage, stop comparing their reactions and behaviors to your wife. It's stupid and disrespectful. And, get busy filling in all the gaps you just created in her mind and in your lives by actively defining who you are, what you like, and so forth so she can figure out what the hell she is doing with you."

This is truth. I had the same discussion with a friend of mine that wondered why my SO sometimes has "crises of faith" about my little hobby. Less emotional investment = easier to accept/process/ignore the issue.

[sherri52]

You can't let it end where it did. All you have done is awakened a sleeping giant ( quote from admiral Yamamoto from wwll). You started the conversation follow it through. She may not want to see you dressed or be part of it but you have to get both parties understanding of the dressing. If she is willing have her join here. If not get her perspective and try to understand it. You may still be in the closet afterward but all of the cards are on the table.

[Hope]

I think the biggest "issue" I see here is that your wife has made a distinction between her husband and her friends. If you want to have a good marriage, and I am not joking around about this at all, you need to be your wife's best friend. BEST friend.

A second issue is as maryklinden so pointedly pointed out to you - you dropped a bomb and then let it fester for 3 months. I would be WAY more diplomatic about it than Mary was - but she is still right. You need to get your arms around this issue. You want your wife to get her information about this from you, not from the girls at the salon. TRUST me on this one. There are lots of girls love nothing more than running another girl into the ground, and your wife is friends with some of them. Don't let the people who dislike things that are different, just because they are different, have a voice. Get your arms around this.

You are going to have to do both of these. NOW. Whenever people come to me for marital counseling I almost always recommend the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. Gottmann. It is available on Amazon, for much less than the cost of a divorce or years of marital strife: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255653646&sr=8-2-spell

The first issue is really the bigger issue, but they both need immediate attention from you.

The third issue - if you haven't done this already - you need to talk about your cross dressing in positive terms. It's fun, it's quirky maybe, but it is something positive. If you talk about it like it is some horrible cancer that is going to destroy your relationship - don't be surprised when your wife reacts the same way.