Serious Topic...Have you thought about dying?

[AllieSummers]

Hi Girls,

Sorry that I haven't been on here much lately but my life has been in somewhat of a tailspin for a variety of reasons.

Let me begin by putting some of your possible fears at ease. I'm going to be ok. Don't worry. Things are looking much better now. :)

Ok, let's begin...

I had a bad night one night and told my wife "I wish I was dead". She obviously got very upset.

Now I don't want to kill myself. I couldn't do that for a variety of reasons. But I do think that some of us start to get on a destructive path where we doing things with the subconscious objective of slowly killing ourselves.

When I blurted out those words it really made me think. Have any of you considered suicide or at least contemplated whether or not the world would be better or without you?

I know this is a very dark topic but something that I think a lot of us face.

I know I have. I would not say that it has even or ever gotten close to the "serious" level but I would say that I have thought about death almost every day lately.

I think it is combination of some financial hurdles I'm having to face right now (daughter in college, getting married, etc) as well as coming to grips with the fact that I'm not 20 years old any more (44 at last count) and obviously the challeges that being transgendered present.

So what do you think? Am I sick for thinking about these things or is it just a natural part of life?

I'm looking forward to hearing from you...

Kisses,

Allie

[DonnaT]

Nothing has ever gotten me so down that I would think that I'd rather be dead.

I'd rather fight, whatever the fight may entail.

[Monica93304]

This is a difficult subject for me because I've thought about it many times. I will also watch this topic closely.

Allie, I wish you the best.

Monica.

[Kate Simmons]

I've accomplished everything I set out to do and was ready to leave this "party" 4 years ago. Problem is I had a near death experience and was told during that it wasn't time yet. I had more work to do and had to take care of my family. What that means has been revealed over these last four years. I'm still ready to go but my friends and family seem to keep me rooted for now. In any case, I'm under the opinion that death here is merely the beginning of another experience.:)

[Lorileah]

Considering death is a natural thing. One weighs possible "outs" and that is one out. Going beyond thinking about it and instituting it is another thing. You are "normal" in the fact that you thought about it then logically reconsidered based on what is right for you. Depression and fear are something most people go through. Face it, not many of us live out our lives the way it was planned ( I was supposed to be rich, good looking and famous...you see how that worked out). So don't feel all alone. Maybe here, more so than other sites, I think we all look at our selves introspectively and critically. That is why, I think, this site has more caring individuals than most.

44 huh? Lets put the stereotype machine on. Mid life. I do believe in that. That is when I decided after fighting with myself (you notice when you fight with yourself you lose no matter what?) that why should I care if people see me in a dress. Why should I kill myself and not get some fun and relaxation for myself? (I had not taken a "vacation" in 20 years where I did not fear what was happening in my absence.) I have you by a decade here. Take what I know now for what it is worth. This is a short ride. You should enjoy it as long as it lasts. They don't issue re-rides. Most of what you are feeling, is felt by almost everyone at sometime, don't let it ferment. Things are not going to turn out the way you planned. Don't be surprised when they don't. Take what you have and go on. Remain as positive as you can. Everyone has days that are gloomy but the next can be a lot better. Most important, talk to someone. Your best friend, your lover, your pastor and when all else fails someone who has read a book. Or your friends here. Who understands you better than someone who thinks like you?

So, one you are not strange, you are quite "normal". Two you have friends, even invisible ones who type funny. It is good you question things. Oh and never regret anything that makes you happy :hugs:

[Wen4cd]

I think a lot of self-destructive urges, fantasies, or exhibited behaviors come from the fact that ego-consciousness is always calling out for its own destruction and rebirth into the 'selfless' Self. It's the end result of most large-scale conscious desire. Stress will agitate it, but it's always there. It's symbolic of change and big stages of development, that go on through life. It's people who take it too literally that actually do the physical act.

You will see people starting new lives after breaking points, and they're happier and generally live outside of themselves for the remainder.

You can see people here 'killing' their old selves and rebirthing, more than elsewhere. They (We) put 'gender masks' on it here, but the death/rebirth motif is a phenomenon that goes across the board regardless.

[Ann Thomas]

Only a brief thought like that has passed through my head once or twice in my life. Having had a close friend commit suicide some years ago, I found out how incredibly selfish such an act is. I always used to think, "Oh that poor person, driven to do such a thing!" But then I met my wife and foundout from her that she gets quite angry when she hears of someone doing it. I *had* to find out why - that seemed almost counterintuitive.

To attempt suicide means the person is so engrossed in their own problems that they have no consideration for those around them. Whatever messes in their lives is left for their family and friends to have to clean up, whether they succeed or not. Being deeply engrossed in oneself makes a lot of things fall by the wayside, like rent, bills, taxes, insurance, not to mention the trauma it leaves family and friends in. It makes them suddenly the *most* important thing on the planet - everyone has to drop what they're doing and care for one another's griefs, and then on top of that, do all kinds of planning, book plane fares with no advance warning, take time off from their work, personal lives, and so on. I'm hardly even touching on the ripple effects of it. I think that alone would deter me from ever considering it even briefly.

I know this post must sound cold, but it's the stark reality of suicide. My wife told me about all this years ago, as she worked as a suicide prevention counselor. She worked in that capacity at a major TV network headquarters. Every freaking week someone calls and says, "If you don't put me on the air so I can say my message [any message you can imagine and then some], I'm going to kill myself!!!!" It requires all the networks to have a trained crisis counselor on staff 24/7, with extra staffing on the normal peaks for suicide attempts. I won't tell you all their tricks, but they almost never lose a suicidal person, and yet the messages from them never get broadcast either, or the airwaves would get slammed full of them.

Suicides peak during holidays, when people get really lonely, and self-centered. "Oh Whoa is ME! The World just doesn't understand ME!" Honestly these people don't understand the world around them. The vast majority of suicides occur here in the USA on Christmas Day. Instead of getting all selfish, the best way to combat that is to find some way of volunteering that day in the community. Find some where to go and help, like a church, synagogue, temple, mosque, homeless shelter, battered women's shelter, *anywhere* that you can go and help. Get your focus off of yourself and onto helping others, and it will make a huge difference. You'll feel appreciated, and feel some sense of fulfillment that will help clear away the clouds. (Getting professional help is always the number one option, but is not always affordable, or accessible.)

Sorry for the long post, but we're heading towards the longer nights and holiday periods when suicides most occur.

Thank you so much for asking the question. I really needed to hear all that myself as well.

Hugs and best wishes over the holidays (really I mean it),
Ann

[Gizmo, Debbie]

Sadly i too have those sort of thoughts:sad:.
And i get them very often at that, 2 - 3 times a week or there abouts.:eek::sad:

[PhillyGuy2Girl]

Allie,

As I always say, you can't worry about what may or may not happen. In my opinion, the future is just the past that hasn't happen yet.

The financial hurdles will work out. I just went through a little financial hurdle myself,I was concerned of course but it worked out because I had a great week at work.(I work in a tipping position at a hotel)Plus this Sunday,I 'm helping my friend's father close and cover his pool and he offered to pay me well.

The age matter,I'm 44 myself(Will be 45 in January) and I don't feel a day over 30. Not to sound like I'm bragging,but I've be told I look at least 10 years younger. Looking at your pictures,you look alot younger also.Plus you have a loving wife and a daughter. I have a loving wife but we couldn't have children(its a long story,won't bore you with the details) but looking back,it would've been nice to have a son and a daughter myself. Age is just another number. We may not be 20 years old anymore,but we are not old either.

Things always seem to have a way to work out.


One more thing,a piece of friendly advice. I know you said you wouldn't ever consider suicide,but if that feeling does start to come over you,PLEASE talk to someone right away. A counselor,Preist,Minster,Rabbi or a loved one. Take it from me, I've lost a 2 family members and a friend who committed suicide and it puts the loved ones who are left behind through alot of emotional stress and emptiness.

Allie,you take care and as I said,things will work out in the long run. If you need someone to talk to,we are all here for you and feel free to PM if you want to. Good luck and lets us know how things turn out.


HUGGS

Felicity:hugs:

[Kimmy55]

Suicide is the easy way out.I have come to realize that nothing is that bad or grevious that taking the easy way out will accomplish anything.No matter who you are or what you have gone through or are going through there is someone out there that is in much worse shape that yourself."I was sad because because I had no shoes.Then I met a man that had no feet".Not sure who said that but whoever it was they make a good point.Dont you agree?

[Rachel E]

When you become DEAD you can not later become UNDEAD....
Just stop and think of what your family and freinds would think. How would you feel if one of yor freinds thought the way you are thinking.
Death is the final solutation and one there you can not un do it.:)

[suezeq]

when the grim reeper comes for me ill go not untill then

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i never ever had what I call a "death thought"....until about 4 years ago, and that's when my floodgates opened and i started to realize how trapped and unhappy i was about my physical gender...

and I would have these thoughts all the time...this was very distressing to me because I've always been a happy go lucky person

Once I started the serious part of my transition, those thoughts completely stopped and are the farthest thing from my mind

[Miranda09]

First of all...no, I don't think the world would be a better place without me, AND, you shouldn't think the world would be a better place without you. Just think of all the people you have come into contact with and have made their lives better. Sure, there are alot of problems one faces throughout life, but, it could be alot worse. You don't cancer, Parkinson's disease, leukemia, or any other serious, life threatening disease...do you? I hope not.....we would certainly not be better off without you...so put those thoughts away. Life is short enough. Take the positives and put them to work and forget the negatives!!!!:hugs::hugs:

[Lisalove1976]

I usually have those kind of thought when I'm in one of those "urgently need to dress" modes... other than that I'm good...

[DianneRoberts]

Leave early.
No way.
There is way too much to do here.

There are ups and there are downs.

But there have been ups and there will be more.

[Karren H]

Nope. Never really get depressed and have never even thought that thought...

[MJ]

yes i have my days where i just want to end it all. i have a plan and the meds to do it i call it my plan z. sadly i see no decent future and when i get stressed plan z is on my mind.
funny thing today is a very bad day for me. and i was thinking about this subject when i saw this thread.

no i'm ok right now but i wonder why i bother sometimes

[Barbara918]

I have similar thoughts frequently -- have had ever since I became a widower 21 years ago. (God knew it was supposed to be a package deal!)
As for "what would family think?" -- doesn't matter, since I've outlived most of them.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not suicidal; I have no intention of ending my life. But if I see the end coming, nor will I do anything to prevent it.
And for the record, I fully intend to be wearing my finest dress in the casket.

[Dutchess]

Pardon if a GG butts in here .....

but yes I have thought of this many times over the years ,, mainly because I have been sick for a long,long time and sometimes I get tired of fighting, tired of feeling bad and tired of living a half life , it doesnt affect my appearance so much but I have a chronic illness,with a lot of pain and sometimes trouble breathing, so I really have to want to go on sometimes.. For me sometimes it is living that is the harder thing to do.. I sometimes really have to think of my youngest daughter and my precious husbands sweet little faces, to take my mind away from it ..
During my illness, the priest has had to be called to the hospital for me,, so I have been close before. That is also very traumatic if you are aware enough to know what is going on .

[Sara Jean]

yes I have
Last Summer I spent around two weeks planning how I was going to do it and was about 30 min away from carrying it out when I got a random phone call. it was a huge number of things at once that got me into that position. I wont go into all the details but up intill i had reached that point i thought anyone talking about that kind of thing was stupid and couldnt understand how someone could feel that down. of my 2 or so friends I have I tried to talk to them but they blew me off and that fueled the depression even more

[mklinden2010]

Sure, I've thought of dying, but it's the last thing I want to do, ever. Really, no rush.. No hurry...

When I was younger, I suppose we all talked about it now and then. It just never seemed a bright idea to speed things along.

As time passed, I've known people who tried, and some who were unfortunately good at it. All left confusion, hurt, worry, heartbreak in their wake - even the ones who "only" maimed themselves or ruined their minds.

"Negative" feelings to me are signals to pay attention and get back on a better track. Sort of like that "rumble strip" next to the freeway lane on that "idiot light" for the oil pressure on the dash board. Neither means, "Speed up!," or, "Don't stop!"

Life should be happy, or, as happy as you can make it. Even a little bit is "better."

Set some goals, try, then set some new ones and try again.

Life is for living. So, live.

[GaleWarning]

Where to begin ...

Suicides here in New Zealand account for more deaths each year than road accidents, yet the subject is taboo and one may not speak openly about it in schools, nor will the government countenance a suicide prevention TV campaign along the lines of its anti-drink-driving ones.

The problem will not go away, if you simply ignore it.

Once a year, here in Auckland, SPINZ organises a rememberance service for all those touched by the death of a loved one. I attended it last year (SD has lost a number of relatives in this way). When one sees how each individual family member and friend still carries the cross of loss, one is moved to agree with Ann Carpenter that killing oneself is a thoughtless, selfish action.

It is also a huge waste of human potential. Many people only achieve their real reason for living this life at its very end, for example, those who perish saving someone else's life. Who knows why we have been placed upon this earth?

This life is certain and there is so much joy to be experienced, even in adversity (and I am in this cycle myself, right now) that to leave the pub before closing time shuts out the possibility of having the last dance with your future (don't you love mixed metaphors?).

To all of you who are feeling down ... you are NOT alone ... things will change for the better if you will only exercise some patience.

Love you all

C

[Frédérique]

When I blurted out those words it really made me think. Have any of you considered suicide or at least contemplated whether or not the world would be better or without you?
I know this is a very dark topic but something that I think a lot of us face.


A serious subject, indeed. When I was young I was fascinated by suicide, then my female neighbor’s son shot himself, upstairs in her house, and I witnessed the aftermath and heartache that ensued. I’ll never forget the look on the mother’s face at the memorial -- a look of total devastation. Very, very sad, and so unnecessary…

Since then, I’ve always looked on the bright side, but it’s hard sometimes. I don’t have your family pressure and assorted worries, Allie, but my own worries take their toll. The world would scarcely notice my passing, in fact I could safely be called “one who fell through the cracks,” but what of it? I’m happy to be alive, able to see things clearly, and pleased to be here, among my friends. One can’t help but think about death, but don’t forget to think about life…

I used to work in a cemetery as a gravedigger, so I have a different perspective on death (in general). Standing in a grave, atop a human skull that needs to be reburied to make room for a new occupant, changes how you think about the inevitable. Based on that experience, I certainly think about death, but I know exactly where I’m going -- back to where it all started. Why be fearful or morbid about such certainty? I’m just looking forward to the ultimate dispersal of the self in all of nature. I keep thinking about those Zen monks of yore that attempted to die standing up – when one actually accomplished the feat, the others would laugh, knock him over, and just keep going…

Not to make light of the subject, but whenever I feel depressed (a rare thing, I’m glad to say), I listen to a little Joy Division – that cures me immediately. I suddenly realize I’m not that depressed…:sad::straightface::)

[Ruth]

I believe in the old cliche, "While there's life there's hope." What that means in practical terms is that no matter how bad things seem, there is always the possibility of something better turning up.
I did in fact have a period of bad depression some years ago, and whilst it got very black a few times, my basic thought always was - this will pass, surely. And it did.
I am now turned 60 and happier now than I can recall ever being in the past.
So don't give up. And besides, the Lord will take you when he's good and ready.

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Yup...can't wait...greatest mystery to all of mankind, so why not?????

Seriously it's a far more complex issue and one each and every one of us will face at some time in our life...or is that when our life here ends....

Now reading the initial post are we talking death and dying or are we talking suicide???? Two different questions here....one is a fact of life the other involves the idea or concept that we can end our life....

I think anyone at one times or another thinks about the fact tha tone day we will no longer exist and we go through that process as everyone who has come before us has faced and that is dying....so that is normal and also most of us at one time or another will think about throwing in the towel as well...life is generally filled with peaks and valley's for all of us....and at tiems we all think about "checking out"....very few of us however reach that point where we carry out the thoughts....

But dying in and of itself is a natural part of the living process.....for there is a time to be born and a time to die....simple as that....

[Teri Jean]

Sure I have but that is natural to contemplate death, whether natural or self inflicted. I thought my world was destroyed when I was told my wife had passed one morning 2-1/2 years ago. Everything kind of exploaded in my brain but as time went on the idea of death took a huge backseat to my CDing and since then I have started my transition. I'm glad that the death thing died and left Teri to carry on.

Teri

[Yolanda_Voils]

Many days I wake up disgusted, I think "What For"

I've lost my job.

My favorite cat got killed.
A stray moster dog killed 5 cats, my dog and my neighbors dog.

My ex G/F's daughter commited sepico at 18

My G/F cost me nearly my life's savings.
I have legal crap looming.
Spent almost 3 months in jail, 4 of my "Good Friends" were seen here day after day. Oddly they sold over $4,000 in scrap metal while I was jailed.
One of them I loaned $1k to get them into a rental home.. NICE HUH?

My Family is disfunctunal, has been forever.

I have no home ins. and it caught fire, thieves mangled the rest.

My Credit Score went from 0.5mil credit[1200] available to Zero[475].

Close friends, turn out to be NOT.
When times are good everyone loves you, When the rain comes, even if it's not your fault, they don't return calls.

I have a major operation soon, I'm taking care to make sure the one person who has been a real friend gets my 401k and what's left of my stuff.

Yeah, I think we all get severely depressed sometimes.

[Joanne f]

Yes many times but then i think "oh that is what you would love me to do so i am going to stick around just to annoy you ".
A bit like coming back on here :rofl::rofl::lol2:

[Sarah Doepner]

There may be more than one or two people out there who would like to see my go by my own hand but fortunately I'm not one of them. I need to be around to say "I told you so." and wear a red dress when dance on their graves.

It may not all go my way, and sometimes it feels like none of it is, but life is still interesting and I seem to love the challenge of figuring it out. I know I've joked about life and death issues in the past, but it's just the way I'm wired (reinforced by working with first responders for a long time). I can't guarentee that I'll always feel that way, but it's worked so far. I have tried to understand suicide as an option at times in the past and that puzzle piece just doesn't fit in my view of the world. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to understand how powerful the impulse for self destruction can be, but I'm willing to wait.

I wish those who have those feelings the absolute best.

[sherri52]

I have never considered death in any fashion but when I die and I'm dead and gone there'll be one child born in this world to carry on (Blood sweat and Tears). Suicide is the cowards way out.

[julia ann]

I have thought about this subject alot since I had a heart attack 3 years ago, and actually did die on the table before they brought me back. It has taken some time, but it has enhanced my dressing desire and pleasure knowing just how short life can be and just deciding to enjoy the time I have left.

[Sharon]

I was "this" close to doing something almost four years ago, but I finally came to realize that I wasn't selfish enough to do it. The heartache and headaches I would have inflicted on my family and loved ones would have been nothing short of cruel. And that's not to mention that I reached out, found the help I needed, and that I am happier today than I have ever been.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

There's a difference between "have you thought about dying" and "have you ever contemplated suicide". I'm having far too much fun being a cantankerous old b*st*rd to want this to end although end it inevitably will. Even if I were to live another 100 years (which is not possible) it will not have been enough.

[Joan Merrie]

YES, it was last July. I was so down that I came up stairs to the computer room, got the exacto knife, and was just millimeters away from my wrists, when my little cat, Callie jumped in my lap and just looked at me. I couldn't do it then. so with her sound asleep in my lap, I just started free writing. Any thing that popped in my mind went on that paper. It helped allot. So now we call Callie the life savor.
99574This is my life savor.

[Yolanda_Voils]

Joan Merrie,
Your post made me cry.
My cats have been the only real reason that I care at all to keep trying, people forget you, soon.

When I lost my job I was devastated, I was super popular, lots of friends, management, labor, everyone.
400+ EMPLOYEES
One very small problem and several decades of "friends" GONE
In 2 years how many people called me,, ???

ONE.

Asking family for ONE loan to get out of jail on bond to protect my $30,000 misc property, what do I get ?
No answer, this AFTER loaning them things, my NEW Corvette, and money.
3rd call gets me a "we're still thinking about it"
I had money, it just takes a couple of weeks to get it.
They let me rot.



I too love my cats..
They're the only living creatures I can "depend" on..

[dilane]

Yes, but only natural death -- those contemplations are more frequent as one gets older.

I've known three families which had suicides -- all young sons. Suicide is immensely selfish and cruel, in my opinion. It leaves deep lifetime scars in all who loved them, and really destroys both parents emotionally.

[Terri Andrews]

I ,like others have had some low times and felt as you did ,but I am soooo glad that I kept on going . Live is to short not to live it to it`s fullest .
I am almost 65 and realize that every day is precious and try to enjoy my Gender Blessed Life .
I hope that you are doing better .

[GaleWarning]

Close friends, turn out to be NOT.
When times are good everyone loves you, When the rain comes, even if it's not your fault, they don't return calls.


The only really good thing about landing in s**t street, as you have, Yolanda, is that you find out exactly who your friends are.

Treasure the true friends and know that they will always be there for you.

[cd_jamie]

i love living and have not givin suicide a single thought. my body isnt gettin any younger but in my mind i am still in my teen most of the time. i did buy my cemitary plot a few years ago only so noone would have rush around looking for a place to plant me someday. me and the wife got the lawn cript thing where they stack one on top of the other. got a real good deal since my parents had recently bought their lots there.

[Sara Jessica]

There's a difference between "have you thought about dying" and "have you ever contemplated suicide".

Excellent point!!!

My take, and this isn't meant to look down on anyone who has been in the personal depths of contemplation of taking one's life. It's simply my outlook.

Try receiving a diagnosis of a life-threatening illness. Fight through a horrific treatment regimine and come out the other side free of disease, but never free of fear. Fast forward about 17 years and endure a scare that said disease may have returned and because the previous treatment F'ed you up so badly before, it no longer remains on the table as a treatment option.

In a nutshell this is my story and I'm glad to say that as of a couple weeks ago, a pretty definitive test has shown that I am disease free. Yes, I cannot help to have contemplated my own demise but I'm far from being in a hurry to shed this mortal coil. Life is a wonderful thing, family, friends, fulfillment, whatever it is that floats your boat. Live it to the fullest, it can be yanked from you without regard to whether or not you're ready in a blink of an eye.

[kristinacd55]

When you become DEAD you can not later become UNDEAD....
Just stop and think of what your family and freinds would think. How would you feel if one of yor friends thought the way you are thinking.
Death is the final solution and one there you can not un do it.:)

Amen Rachel. Live your life to the fullest while you've got each and every breath because you're dead for an awful long time!!

[Rebecca Jackson]

I have never considered suicide because I always believed there was never any situation that was worth killing yourself over and that would not eventually get better. However, at times during the past six or seven years there were times when I was so worn down and discouraged that I honestly wouldn't have cared if God struck me down then and there. I was tired of the constant struggles and ready if it was my time to go. My ex wife is bi-polar and schizophrenic and attempted suicide numerous times and I saw the toll that took on my kids, and I would never put my family through that. I'm generally rational enough to realize that things will always get better, but there are times when I don't know if I can deal with all the cr@p anymore. But I keep going and take it one day at a time.

[arbon]

Yep. Thought a lot aobut dying, or feeling like wanting to die, throughout my life. Not from the point of thinking the world would be better without me, but rather just not knowing how to cope with myself healthier way.

Have felt a lot of shame about myself. I'm amazed at so many of you here that seem to have dealt with crossdressing so much better then I have....

This last year was tough, getting outed in a way and having people think they know something about me really sucked!! Loosing control over my secret it just felt like OMG I want off this ride now!!

but I am still here!!

[karennjcd]

I have no desire to end my life before it runs its course. I'd like to live as long as possible, to see what the world has to offer and of course see my offspring progress in life as well.

I don't want to digress into something off topic, but I blame religion for putting thoughts into people's minds that death is a preferrable alternative. This "better place" they speak of, the alternative place with the pitchforks one goes to if they are bad, etc. I think the "better place" is right here in life and I intend to make the best of whatever my life faces, no matter how good or bad.

I lived with somebody, my ex, who was bipolar manic depressive, so I've seen first hand how someone can become so unhappy with their lives that they want to go to that so-called "better place" sooner rather than later.

To come back to our favorite topic, we all share something that makes us happier than we were before we started doing it, or we would not be here talking about it. Perhaps the act of CD'ing is a means to escape life's unhappy situations and doing something that makes us comfortable in our own worlds.

But here's another thought, and something that I thought the topic was about before I read the entries. What if you died at home, of natural causes, and were CD'ing at the time? Not that you would be able to show embarassment, but if you're living in the closet would you want those who discover you, the coroner, the police, etc. to remember you by how they found you?

Karen

[Sally2005]

Yes, I have. It was in the past and it took a lot to admit I needed some help. Go talk to your doctor...it doesn't have to be for treatment, s/he can tell you their opinion and may have some very helpful tips. It sounds like you are depressed, even though you can fake it and convince yourself and others you are not doesn't mean it is not true. If you can not enjoy life you need to find a way to get off that path and on to a better one.

I have also thought about death from another point of view...like what things do I want to finish before I die...completing one or two of these really can boost your spirit. Actually...there is a connection...I was so scared of going out dressed in daylight I would have prefered death if I got caught...but, I thought about it and decided I might as well die doing something fun!

[aggi123]

I went through a very long period of depression when I was 23-25. (well, not long in the grand scheme of things, but seemed forever to me)

It was March 14, 2009 at 9:51. I was in the bath tub with my boxcutter ready for a grand adventure. I had planned this moment for months and had picked 25 years to the minute after I was born to do it.

I couldn't do it. Since then, I have adopted a new outlook on life called "The Secret". It has truly changed my life.

[jazmine]

Allie. I don't know the depths or the extent of your thinking....but with me, yeah, i've said it once or twice before,,,,mostly me thinking it. I would never do it ofcourse:
(1) because I have a lot of cool things still to do.
(2), all my family and loved ones would be CRUSHED. I can't do that to them.
(3)....I don't want to start the equivalent of the "1st grade" over, on a grander scale. I already came this far.

I mostly get pissed about this crappy, planetal society us ......um.........supposedly,,"evolved" species have created. We have literally painted ourselves into the corners. Such an "in the box" mentality, led by the .01 percent that actually own & run the planet. Our assignments of worths & values are exponentially becoming askewed. I'm not even going to get into it. But many times that song by Radiohead,"CREEP" plays through my head........."What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here"

Girls,........ don't lecture me on I have it wrong or whatever..blah blah blah. It's just my reaction sometimes, to what I see take place here, on a daily basis.

The only rule in my book for running a planet is: Don't Be A Dick.
That covers the ENTIRE gamut! Maybe not as beautiful or well versed as Plato's, Republic......but ends with similar results.

[Fran Moore]

No No Never Never, uh uh uh.....Life is a gift, being transgendered is a surprise gift. I embrace it and try to live life to it's fullest. Besides, what would happen to all my stuff!:D

To those that have those thoughts, I hope and pray you never give in to them, as death will come to all of us, all in good time. Please don't leave early.

[noeleena]

Hi...
For some of us suicide is very real . two of our trans girls took thiere lives some 4 years ago in christchurch n z . not the only ones i know of . & a close friend of ours allso . & some from our schools here .
living withJos my s o . who has depression major & with out meds has tryed . this is over 36 years .
For me coming out as a woman 11 years ago . a hell for family . in many ways it would have been better if i had . at lest family would not have had to go through what we did .they would have greaved a loss . not a change . so yes a part of my life depression . or opression . & being so down that it would have been a good way to end the hurt . & all the rest of it . when you hit the bottom . & depression hits you you know full well . after 8 years of mental hell. yeap . it looked good .
Yet ..... i have 4 words . that i use . on one of our forums.
....................................
love life live life
--------------------------
i look at that. why give away what i have for no reason . when i have been given so much . i m not saying its a bed of rose s what i m saying is . we have been given our life . to enjoy . & to hold on to while we are here . its a gift . so i accepted that gift . & enjoy what i have .
as a aside i would have been killed . at age 10 . I was stoped from instant death . i had 4 sec s if i had not been held from falling . i ll only say there was no human behind me . yet i was pushed forward as i steped backwards off a platform . in to thin air ....
so yes i count every day as a plus . even having thoughts of suicide are not in my plans . life is given . & can be taken . just dont give in .....theres ..to much to lose .....
...noeleena...

[Mary Morgan]

I recall that about the time I turned 40, I went into something of a depression. My career was not where I wanted it to be. My kids were not taking full advantage of the opportunities we had struggled to provide them, and my need to be Mary was getting stronger and stronger.

I'm not sure that I thought about taking my life, but I did have a sort of fatalistic attitude about things which only made them worse.

My wife was very understanding, suggested counseling and with time this period passed. I think it was what one might call a mid-life crisis.

[scherylnmke]

I think most people have thought of' If I was never born/If I was dead...' and I feel that most don't act on on that. When you say that in front of someone you love I'm quite sure you'll get a negative reaction. Those that do commit suicide usually don't advertise they are going to do it, although I do know a few people who've tried unsucessfully multiple times before they got help. They were the 'quiet' ones who you'd never think would do that. Most things in life are not that bad that you can't get through.

[PetiteTonya]

that with each challenge we are to face in life, it must somehow strengthen our resolve. I have read each of these posts and I am inspired by those who have been confronted with serious illnesses, deep depression and yet, managed to rise above all of it and focus on living.

To coin a often used cliche', life is not a dress rehearsal. Being TGd is not an easy life to be sure and I am still adjusting to my "new" life but my development does offer a promise of viewing the universe differently and gaining deeper insight into myself and the world around me.

I feel we must always grab onto that promise. I will die someday, yes. but life is too fleeting and too precious to be pre-occupied with contemplating the inevitable much less initiating it.

[Illusions Of Amy]

I used to think about suicide in the past occasionally, since I've gone through those feelings of loneliness and feeling trapped and awkward. It comes from a lot of various things - I'm a very hardcore picky eater, have a hard time organizing myself and staying on one task, am almost Asperger's syndrome-level in socializing with people at times, I have a crooked foot which immediately draws attention to my appearance, and so on. Thankfully my CDing urge isn't nearly as high as some on this forum, so it's never factored into those bad feelings much.

But yeah, suicide is definitely selfish - and often a rash decision - in retrospect! I feel like my troubles are absolutely *nothing* compared to what like 95% of the world's population (at least) is going through on a daily basis. And how could I want to die now when I've seriously got enough raw material to practically write a 4-hour singer-songwriter musical (which often pokes fun at a lot of my so-called life "problems")? Plus, I've got a decent job where I get along well with all my co-workers (that counts for a lot in this economy!) and my friendships are as good as they ever were. Now worrying about *other* people dying I'm close to... that's something else entirely... :sad:

[Kari Lynn Franks]

ive only talked to one girlfriend about this topic i came from a very bad childhood and also had to hide the fact that i needed to crossdress i feel that since i had such a strong desire too dress that it has become to be 1\2 of my personalityyou could say all of us have a split personality if it has to be hidden so far down it almost like killing a part of me when i was finally able to express my full self the desire to kill myself went and im proud to say its been 22 yrs since i even thought about taking my own life up untill that day i had around 14 attempts since the age of 6

[ReineD]

I considered it last fall and last winter when I lost custody of my youngest son and my oldest son's love. The grief and the sense of emptiness inside was indescribable. Luckily, I did not have the courage to go through with it.

I still get the feelings sometimes, but I know they are mere passing thoughts and I let them go through and escape me. I also believe that suicide is the ultimate selfish act.

[Tasha T]

So what do you think?

I've thought about committing suicide since I was 14 years old. Though I have no plan to actually do it and hope I never do it, I think about it constantly.

For example, last week I went to a friend's party and I felt like such a social misfit that practically every other thought I had was "I should just kill myself." It didn't help that someone I hadn't seen in 15 years came up to me and immediately made a crossdressing joke. I'm pretty sure everyone knows about me even though I've never said a word. Enough information is out there, plus you can probably tell just by looking at me now.

When I was driving home I still kept thinking over and over I should kill myself so I decided that's it, I'm going to do it. Only I decided to do it in a positive way and kill all the things about myself that I don't like and aren't working for me. That means I'm heading towards transition and going full time (short of SRS) in a few years. That's the plan for now. Of course I've got to get my mind right and do a lot of cosmetic work before any of that happens. Winning the Lotto wouldn't hurt either.

I'm working it out in therapy. It's a long road.

[sissystephanie]

At my age, 77+, death has be a thought! And since I did almost die in August of 2008, the thought is even more present. A heart problem then wound up with me getting a pacemaker inplanted to save my life.

But in 2005 I really did want to die! At least for a time! That February is when I lost my best friend, lover, and wife of almost 50 years. Yes, even though I had 2 wonderful children whom I love deeply and who love me equally much, I felt my life had ended and I wanted to go be with my wife!! That is the only time in my life I felt that way, even though I had lost my mother at age 7 and my father at age 14. Those losses were nothing compared to losing my wife, whom I had known since I was 9 years old!!

Fortunately for me I met, on the Internet, a very wise and sweet lady in Scotland. She succeeded in talking me throught my grief, at least partially. She was the only one I talked to, and there many others, that really seemed to care and understand. After a number of emails and then phone calls we became very good friends, in fact I call her my GGF. She is married so I know that she can never be my real girl friend, but in my mind she is and always will be! And she does know about my CD actvities and does not care at all.

As I said, I am 77 so death probably is not too far away. But now, I hope to be around for some time. My family knows that I CD, and are O.K. with as long as I don't dress around them! Guess they will get a big surprise when I do go and they find just how much clothing Stephanie has!!:heehee: The sad part of that is I am size 16 and no one else in the family is even close!! Not my GGF in Scotland either. BTW, my family has met her and her husband as they came to visit for my 75th birthday in 2007. My two children know how I feel about her! Sorry to be so long winded, but I just had to get all this off my chest! It was covering up my 40 B's!:heehee:

[weekend woman]

Yes I have thought about death. Having lost members of my immediate family in '01, '03 and '05 I figured that if I got thru 2007 I would be OK. Needless to say I did and am still here. Then reality set in, there are so many people on the face of the earth that I haven't pissed off yet I'm never going to die!

[AmiFL]

In my experience I have seen far to many suicides. In fact on Friday a very close friend lost her son that way.

In my lowest point in life, death has never been an option. Death cannot be undone. Never ever sink to that point.

I've joked that even if I was caught in a tuutuu with the church boys choir I would still never go down that path.

Life is too too precious to let it slip through your fingers without a fight. Never ever look at that as an option or even a passing thought.

[AKKaren]

:sad:Been there...almost done that a couple of times. My life has been a constant battle with depression, mostly because of my inability to accept who and what I am. I was shamed and outed by my parents, outed by my ex wife to my children and friends who turned their backs on me and felt so, so alone most of my years. The last time was sitting on top of this rock crag called Finger Mountain with a Beretta in my lap....One round in the chamber and a good bye letter and current will pinned to my coat. The aurora borealis came to my rescue...It just bloomed across the night sky, filling me with awe. After a long nite of crying I went home, sold the pistol the next day and have been in counseling ever since. I met my wife soon after and she has show me more kindness and understanding in the 10 years we have been together that all the people in my life have in the forty years before. If depression is a part of your life, I highly recommend seeing someone about it. You cease to exist, but the pain and horror goes on for all those who love you.

[Emily01]

I would not say that it has even or ever gotten close to the "serious" level but I would say that I have thought about death almost every day lately.

Am I sick for thinking about these things or is it just a natural part of life?

i don't know if it's natural or not. i do know people who have taken their own lives, in my own family no less, and i have gone through spells of depression where i contemplated it myself.

yes, it's the most selfish thing a person can do. but it's not as if the person doing it is aware of the selfishness......they are so absorbed in the emotional pain of their lives that they can't see beyond the torture of their lives.

i do know this......it's a very permanent solution for problems that are usually temporary.

[CharlotteCD]

This will sound like a lie because I am so vague, please don't crticise me for this but I don't want to give out too many details for reasons I am sure we can all relate to.

I cant escape thoughts of death, I am a year into Cancer treatment and because of complications related to my treatment I was in a coma for a week in the spring and nearly suffered brain damage after having a stroke in the summer to the point that Doctors told my family that if I woke up I might be able to have a normal conversation and I might not walk again.

I have survived both of those very near death experiences but have no memory of either as my brain wasn't functioning properly. Im only 21. I haven't lived my life yet, I am merely beginning it.

[Barbara Jo]

Yeah.... life can suck at times.

However, I always think about how I am the highest life form alive on a fantastice planet called earth. How cool and fantastic is that? I really like myself and I want to stay on this earth as long as possible.

My signature relates my philosophy on happiness. :)

[kellycan27]

Suicide is the easy way out.I have come to realize that nothing is that bad or grevious that taking the easy way out will accomplish anything.No matter who you are or what you have gone through or are going through there is someone out there that is in much worse shape that yourself."I was sad because because I had no shoes.Then I met a man that had no feet".Not sure who said that but whoever it was they make a good point.Dont you agree?

Other's may be in worse shape than you, but how many that contemplate, attempt, or successfully carry out a suicide are thinking in rational terms? I don't understand how you can possibly make such statements. Why would such people even care about what others are going through. I totally disagree with everything you have said.

[Desiree2bababe]

Yeah, with health issues I did not have in my 20's, I think about it and it does curtail my dressing as I don't want to end up being found dead of a stroke while fully dressed.....

[StaceyJane]

Having reached middle age I worry about the opposite. I really don't want to die. There are alot of things I would like to see happen and I hate to think of myself missing them.
Being transgendered doesn't make me want to die instead I get depressed over the thought that I may have to life the rest of my life a male. I wish I could be 20 again and start transitioning so I wouldn't have missed so many years.

[CherylFlint]

One day at a time. Telling your wife that you wished you were dead must've done wonders for her self esteem. Life doesn't revolve around our X and Y's being "perfect", whatever the hell that means. Figure that, for you, you are absolutely "perfect" and enjoy life. It really is that easy.

[suchacutie]

Would the world be better without me? It's not the world's decision. If the world thinks it would be better off without me, that's just tough for the world. It better get used to me and not the other way around :).

Is life easy? NO. It's a struggle, no matter what our circumstances.

When I was a teenager my parents and I got into a similar discussion. My father asked, "if you were on the street alone and were approached by a powerful person with a knife and that person was hell-bent on killing you, what would you do? Just accept it, or struggle? He didn't wait for my answer, but replied that he would try to do everything he could to get the heck out of there alive.

Struggle...and why? Why struggle? Because I have a right to my life and if I lose it there is no way to make it better. While I'm alive I have a chance to make it better.

When life seems to be at its worst, I stop, take a breather, take a rest, and look at it anew. At that point it has always seemed less bad. There will be times when life seems not worth it. That's when it's necessary to stop, rest, and then look at life with a new perspective.

I will struggle to my last breath to have a chance at a better life!

tina

[Julogden]

There have been times when suicide has occurred to me, but I've never been close to actually doing the deed, mainly because it would inflict pain on my loved ones. My best friend committed suicide with a gun back in the mid-1980's, so I know how horrible it feels when someone that you care about takes their own life, and I can't do that to those that I love.

Carol

[Loni]

It does come to mind every so offen, like this past June 11, I was almost killed in a headon truck ver car crash, combined impact speed of over 130 mph.
I was only 50 mph.
Chp office had a hard time beliving nobody died. Bad accident on a county rd.

I faired better that the fool who caused it.
Me bad back and foot (foot took a 100 mph hit).
Him multi broken bones.


Have thought about when the end comes. I would like to be dressed in a flufley dress, not a suit.

But to do a end game early.....NO way.

[Nancy Richards]

Yes I am thought of being dead. Not that I would do it to myself, but at times I wish that somehow it would happen.

I many times feel that I am not appreciated with all the things that I do.

And yes I have told my wife how I feel. That also depresses me.

Nancy

[lavistaa62]

Myself I worry not so much about dying or growing old per se but the effect that has on my ability to enjoy life, be independent and support my SO and offspring. It weighs on me as I get older but it's also a good reminder of the importance of enjoying things, doing what I enjoy and keeping in shape mentally and physically.

[AmberDay]

To attempt suicide means the person is so engrossed in their own problems that they have no consideration for those around them. Whatever messes in their lives is left for their family and friends to have to clean up, whether they succeed or not.



But yeah, suicide is definitely selfish - and often a rash decision - in retrospect!

What you don't realize is the feelings of suicide that I am currently fighting isn't because I am selfish! I love my family deeply and feel that it is better for my kids to have a father who is dead than a father that is transexual. All I ever see and read about those who transition is that it completely devastates children. I read about kids who hate seeing their father that way, and it feels that their father died. Why put my kids through that when I can just hit a tree at 100mph; not wearing a seatbelt. I won't have a wife divorce me, my kids won't be humiliated with a transgender parent, and they will be financially compensated. (Yeah that's my plan if I follow through with it ) Suicide isn't covered under life insurance, but a car accident is.

I love my wife so much that I don't want her to have to divorce me; explaining to everybody that her ex is transgendered. That would be embarrasing for her. She can tell everybody that I died in a car wreck. I love my kids so much that I don't want them to be teased, embarrased, and screw with their development with me being transgender. I know if I die, it will cause a lot of heartache and pain, but not as much as if I transitioned. Yes, my death would cause some development issues, but my wife and I agreed when we got married that we would remarry if something would happen to the other. She could find a better guy and father than me.

My youngest are four, so I am hoping to hold out another 14 years until they are adults. I have a duty as a father to raise them until adulthood. I also have a duty to protect them; even if that is from myself. It tears me up just thinking about all the crap they would have in school and with their friends with me being a 'woman'. What about father/ son activities that my son would be embarassed to have a woman dad attend?

I think of suicide every day I wake up, throughout the day, and before I go to sleep. I've got help before. Two seperate psychiatrists agreed I was gender dysphoric and recommended that I transition. BUT THAT IS NOT AN OPTION. I would die before I did that!

If I die, my wife can remarry, and find a better guy who isn't transgendered at all and can take care of my kids; since I am too weak to do it. That guy can take my place.

'engrossed in their own problems that they have no consideration for those around them'

I am completely considerate of their problems. That is why I am willing to die for them.

'definitely selfish - and often a rash decision'
It isn't rash, I've been thinking it for A LONG time and it isn't because I am selfish,

It is because I love them so much.

[AllieSummers]

I appreciate all of your comments and do agree with most of them because I can see both sides of the issue. But what I have realized from reading the posts from those of you that have thought about or are thinking about suicide or death is this...

When I read about your pain and the fact that you think the world would be better off without you it makes me extremely sad. It makes me wish I could run right over there and hold you and tell you how precious you are. To do something to help you understand that you are precious.

The world will not be better if you chose to leave it, either by your own hand or by nature means. I KNOW THAT.

What I also know is that if I feel this way about you, there has bound to be someone, somewhere that feels that way about me.

My family will not be better off without me because all the things that are/have bothered me are NOTHING compared to the joy we get from spending one minute with each other.

The same is true for each and every one of you...

Kisses,

Allie

[Aubrey Green]

I'm 52, but never thought I would make it to 25, at the rate I was going, I am surprised I did. The love of a good woman (well for 6 years anyway) saved my life.
I lost my dad 7 months ago and not a day goes by, when I think of him and I have 50 years of memories. We were alot alike, loved sports espeically our beloved Bay Area teams, (Giants, 49ers & Sharks) I think of all his possessions, some very expensive, and how little they now mean since he is gone, only the momories of how much he liked them.
I am a grandfather of a 1 year old grandson (named Ace) and time seems so fleeting to me now. How old will my grandson be when I pass away? If it is soon, will he ever remember me. I try to make every minute with him the best and am holding out hope that I will be around for a while longer. I am healthy and am proud that I have not taken a sick day in my 30 years on my job, but nobody can guarantee tomorrow.
I am the exact opposite of the person I was when I was 19. I quit drinking when I was 31, drive within a few mph of the speed limit and if I had a personalized license plate, it would read "WHYHURY"
I love being a "grandpa", it is much better than being a parent and although my son is a dad, I know he is not ready to face the world on his own. So I continue to try to drive some wisdom and common sense into him.
So after all this, No I do not think about dying, I've still got too much to do, before I can schuffle off this planet.

[AmandaM]

I've been depressed my whole life. I once thought about suicide, but never tried it. I do wish at times I was never born. But more often I wish I was a woman, or at least a man, 100% of the time. I think my depression stems from the fact, that with my life situation, I can't be a woman. And now that I'm in my forties, I don't think I'll get the chance to try. So, depression for the rest of my life too. I just wish I could find a way to be happier while in my situation. Happiness is fleeting.

[bridget jones]

I have thought about it several times but I'll never do it.I just want to know why I want to dress like a woman,I really don't understand.

[Ellie Lierae]

I have thought about it a couple of times, 3 years ago when I lost my name-sake to suicide. I didnt think i could bear living without her, and most of my freinds after a couple of months just ended up sayin get over it or go kill myself. I nearly didnt, about the only thing that stopped me was that i didnt cut deep enough, thank god.

It took me awhile but I slowly clawed my up out of the hole I was in, and havent looked back for 12 months. My freinds from then although they stayed freinds through-out and for awhile after have slowly drifted apart cause I have changed and also because I don't conform to thier idea's of a guy even tho they say they dont have a problem.

In short what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and you dont get out of life alive so live it to the fullest

[Lainie]

Don't self-medicate with clothing purchases! :eek: :doh:

If you find yourself losing control, deal with the root cause; e.g.

stress:
deep cleansing breaths. "breathe in peace; breathe out love."

Depression:
Tell yourself positive stories, avoid negative thoughts. Exercise is good, also. Read Haight's "The Happiness Hypothesis".

[Kroma]

but, I've always been curious what death is like. I'm in no way seeking it, and not going to intentionally impose it, but I have good reason:

Early on (1-2 years old), I had two severe cases of pneumonia with blood infections resulting in temperatures of 103-105. At 3 I nearly choked to death in my highchair. When I was 6, I was nearly hit by a car speeding through my neighborhood. I nearly chocked to death again when I was 10 (sans highchair). At 13, I was nearly decapitated when I crashed a go-cart in to one of those split-level wooden fences. At 16, I ran a stop sign and was t-boned by another car, which accelerated me towards dense vegetation (tall thick trees). The only thing that saved me there was a random piece of re-bar sticking out of the ground which tore through a good portion of my undercarriage before stopping my car. More recently, about 2 years ago, I spun out in the middle of the highway doing 70. I crossed over four lanes and came to a stop in the fast lane facing oncoming traffic with my engine stalled. I had just enough time to start my car and pull to the side of the road (my right, their left) before the first car passed me.

Luckily, I've been fairly safe since. Maybe I just learned to pay attention, but I think someone wants me to live; who am I to argue?


In any case, I'm under the opinion that death here is merely the beginning of another experience.

God I hope not. I don't want to press my luck; there's no way I'll make it anywhere near this far if there's a next time

[sometimes_miss]

First off, I have to address the 'selfish' concern about people contemplating suicide. I've never understood that, our lives are our own, we don't live to serve the rest of the world. If someone's life is so full of pain and suffering, well then, the rest of the world isn't doing anything for that person now are they? So exactly what right do they have to expect the long suffering person to continue to live just to serve their own desires? The selfish ones are those who expect others to fulfill their needs and desires, while not having any concern for the life of those who they portray as 'selfish'.

I've never wished I were dead; but I have lost the fear, and any concern, of dying (as long as it's not too painful, anyway). I don't remember exactly at what age it hit me; but I came to accept that I've done the best that I can with what I have in life, and no longer feel any shame or guilt for not being the superachiever that everyone expected me to be when I was growing up. I've also come to accept that I will never be the beautiful woman that I thought I was going to be, and have stopped the ridiculous purchasing of female clothing (especially shoes) that I will never fit into, and/or could never wear. I have not had a GF in over ten years, and at this point, have come to accept that I probably never will. I will have to be satisfied with girls for hire, about once or twice a month or so, for the affection that I need. Death? Everybody dies eventually. There's not need to rush towards it, though.

[jenniferishappy]

To all of you who are replying that you think about this somewhat routinely you should seek help. This is not something that a healthy mind contemplates. Advising people on suicidal thoughts is very sketchy and best left to a professional. Any given person with the best of intentions has no idea what is going on in the head of a person contemplating that and where it is coming from. It is not something to accept and just wait for it to pass.. again. Seek help. If you dont like the first, second or third mental health pro, got see a fourth. Self help books and forums are not up to the job when it comes to this most serious of topics. Really, do yourself a favor and be a big girl on this one. Turn it over to the pros.

[SuzanneBender]

Wow. Kind of a dark post girl, but I have really enjoyed reading the replies.

The pragmatist in me knows that if I ever took my life those close to me would morn.......for a little while and then life moves on. I can also tell you if I am going to do something like stop living it better darn well have more than a temporary friggin impact.

I think about it but don't think I could do it. I think about the negative impact my brother doing this had on my nephew and niece and then think about my kids.

Death is coming. It will be here soon enough and I have a lot more shopping to do. So I don’t plan on helping the Grim Reaper out.

[Jenny Gurl]

I have always told those considering it that suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. You can't solve it after you are dead. I know people who have considered it, but realized how devastating it would be to the ones they cared about and they reconsidered. I also don't think it is the easy way out, or a selfish or cowardice act. It is the last act of a desperate person. So sad so many who complete this act did not get the help they needed. If anyone is thinking about it please call the suicide hot line and talk to someone. Someone does care, and may help you find an answer to your problem. :hugs:
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

[gemsay32]

Only a brief thought like that has passed through my head once or twice in my life. Having had a close friend commit suicide some years ago, I found out how incredibly selfish such an act is. I always used to think, "Oh that poor person, driven to do such a thing!" But then I met my wife and foundout from her that she gets quite angry when she hears of someone doing it. I *had* to find out why - that seemed almost counterintuitive.

To attempt suicide means the person is so engrossed in their own problems that they have no consideration for those around them. Whatever messes in their lives is left for their family and friends to have to clean up, whether they succeed or not. Being deeply engrossed in oneself makes a lot of things fall by the wayside, like rent, bills, taxes, insurance, not to mention the trauma it leaves family and friends in. It makes them suddenly the *most* important thing on the planet - everyone has to drop what they're doing and care for one another's griefs, and then on top of that, do all kinds of planning, book plane fares with no advance warning, take time off from their work, personal lives, and so on. I'm hardly even touching on the ripple effects of it. I think that alone would deter me from ever considering it even briefly.

I know this post must sound cold, but it's the stark reality of suicide. My wife told me about all this years ago, as she worked as a suicide prevention counselor. She worked in that capacity at a major TV network headquarters. Every freaking week someone calls and says, "If you don't put me on the air so I can say my message [any message you can imagine and then some], I'm going to kill myself!!!!" It requires all the networks to have a trained crisis counselor on staff 24/7, with extra staffing on the normal peaks for suicide attempts. I won't tell you all their tricks, but they almost never lose a suicidal person, and yet the messages from them never get broadcast either, or the airwaves would get slammed full of them.

Suicides peak during holidays, when people get really lonely, and self-centered. "Oh Whoa is ME! The World just doesn't understand ME!" Honestly these people don't understand the world around them. The vast majority of suicides occur here in the USA on Christmas Day. Instead of getting all selfish, the best way to combat that is to find some way of volunteering that day in the community. Find some where to go and help, like a church, synagogue, temple, mosque, homeless shelter, battered women's shelter, *anywhere* that you can go and help. Get your focus off of yourself and onto helping others, and it will make a huge difference. You'll feel appreciated, and feel some sense of fulfillment that will help clear away the clouds. (Getting professional help is always the number one option, but is not always affordable, or accessible.)

Sorry for the long post, but we're heading towards the longer nights and holiday periods when suicides most occur.

Thank you so much for asking the question. I really needed to hear all that myself as well.

Hugs and best wishes over the holidays (really I mean it),
Ann

That's the thing. People going through it can't help themselves very much. It might seem obvious to you that all they need to do is get out and connect with people, but it's not so simple! Sometimes people go through things in life and they can't get out of it very easily without help from others. It might sound like they're being cry babies, but please understand that at some point in life we all cry or tantrum for silly selfish reasons, but that doesn't mean we were wrong for crying or having a tantrum. Life is a classroom, and people are learning all sorts of things not just at different rates, but in different combinations! In many ways, we're still children, just in different kinds of ways. You need to give people the opportunity to learn and to recover. Do you blame a child when they cry or tantrum or do you hope that they learn and grow out of it? You try to help them. Similarly, these people are experiencing things very confusing to them, and they feel very desperate and lost. Like a child, they need our patience. This doesn't just apply to this group of people alone, it applies to everyone on this planet! We're all children in our own ways and there're "parents" watching over us. No man is an island!