Michaella
10-19-2009, 03:35 PM
There has been much discussion and speculation as to why we do or do not pass. Often this deals with what factors in the cd’s appearance work as male or female cues, what might be key elements in appearing to be female, and the role one’s confidence plays. I would like to discuss another factor, the observer, and what they bring to it.
Recently I went out a number of times dressed femme, and there were no problems for me. I don’t suggest I was not read—indeed as I will relate I certainly was at times—but it was very interesting to see when I was read and when I was not, and it got me thinking about why it did or did not happen.
On a Saturday afternoon I went into a budget store, the kind that carries all sorts of goods, but only things that are sold quite cheaply. I had purchased some inexpensive but quite nice lingerie there, and thought I’d drop by and see what else they had. I saw some bustiers, but I could not reach them to look at the size labels. I went to the only staff person there, a young woman, and asked for help. My voice is not very convincing I’m sure, I just speak more softly and in a slightly higher pitch, and I know some people would say I don’t look nearly feminine enough to pass, but the fact is there was not even the slightest hint of hesitation, that look of “oh, what am I seeing here? Oh, right,” that we all know. She got a long hook, took down the bustiers and looked through them for me. I bought them, done.
I then walked to the store right next door, a very small wig shop, where there were two staff people, both middle aged women, sitting, looking bored, and not another customer. One immediately asked me what I was looking for, saying “a wig? for Hallowe’en?” Now they were polite and helpful (though I did not buy anything) but their reaction told me I was certainly read.
So, what made the difference? Same time, same general situation, and same person in the same outfit, shopping for strictly feminine items. The difference was in the observers. The first woman was busy, in a large store, trying to keep an eye on many things and moving about briskly. She had only one thing on her mind, serve this customer, and move on to the next task. She simply was not interested in me as anything else. The women in the second store were interested in me because I was the only thing of interest happening in the store. Being interested they automatically looked more closely and saw who I was.
Now extend this to other situations and people: some members have noted that teenage girls are very quick to spot a crossdresser. It is because, as someone pointed out, they are very interested in gender, and in style, so they look, and they see. But sometimes they don’t look. Why not? Once I was in a record store and bought some CDs (the musical kind). At the cash was a very young woman, but she was not interested in me at all. I could see she was bored to tears with her job, looking around the store for anyone or anything that was of interest. She took a quick glance at me, saw a middle-aged woman with no style that she would ever consider, and looked away, not interested.
Children are quick to spot crossdressers we know. It is not because they are experienced in the world and can easily see what is male or female. Quite the contrary, it is because they have little experience of the world, but very much want to understand it, so they look carefully at everything, trying to make sense of it. They are interested.
Adult women, in their 30’s to 50’s more or less, might be very interested in seeing other women’s clothing styles, so they look carefully, or they may not. Watch: you are more likely to be observed closely, and read, by a woman who is herself more stylishly dressed, because she is more interested in your clothes than a woman who is not so fashion-conscious. If she sees something that interests her, for good or bad, then she might look more closely at your clothes; then she might see you.
In any given situation, there can be people with different levels of interest in what they see. I went to the opera last week, and that was great because I got to dress up a bit more than usual. If you can’t dress up at the opera where can you? Some women go to the opera to see and be seen, and they might be very interested, unless they have the attitude that they are the ones to be seen, and why should they look at anyone else? So some will look at you while some will not, all in the same situation, seeing the same you in the same dress. (In my case: black satin slim skirt, iridescent blue blouse, black stockings, black patent heels, blue nail polish, by the way.)
At a sort of reception event before a film a man came up to me and started chatting. From the talk he clearly knew I was a crossdresser, and I knew he was gay. We had a pleasant talk, but all around us were many people not paying the slightest attention to us, not even that second glance at me. I don’t think they were interested; they were socializing and drinking and looking at photos on display. My conversationalist may well have been looking for another gay male, so he was interested in looking at others, so he looked closely for cues, and saw me, when most others were not interested and did not see. (He was wrong about that, by the way.) And I grant it is probable that a number of people in that particular crowd read me but did not react because they were the sort of people who simply do not care about gender roles and whether a man wants to wear feminine clothes. Which is perfectly fine by me.
So that’s my point, that what makes a lot of difference is what interest level the observer brings to the situation. We talk about confidence and how that makes a difference. How would that work? Well, if you are lacking confidence you send out signals that make people take an interest in you. While if you are confident, you send out a signal that says “oh, you can look at me if you like, but whether you do or don’t does not matter to me.” So, many won’t bother to look more closely. It is not rudeness, just a way of deciding what to pay attention to or not as they deal with the usual massive sensory input. Of course any obvious clues to masculinity—a bit of beard growth, a clumsy walk in heels, a slightly rougher voice—all make the observer more interested. A woman can have any of these, and people will look more closely, and decide she is nonetheless a woman. A crossdresser can have only a single “flaw” and the closer look leads to enough information to draw the different conclusion. That is why blending in is so important to passing. But the variable will often be the observer. If they are not interested to begin with for some inherent or situational reason, or if they get nothing back from us to pique their interest further, they are that much less likely to look further, and less likely to see us as crossdressers.
Does this make sense? Does it help?
Michaella
Recently I went out a number of times dressed femme, and there were no problems for me. I don’t suggest I was not read—indeed as I will relate I certainly was at times—but it was very interesting to see when I was read and when I was not, and it got me thinking about why it did or did not happen.
On a Saturday afternoon I went into a budget store, the kind that carries all sorts of goods, but only things that are sold quite cheaply. I had purchased some inexpensive but quite nice lingerie there, and thought I’d drop by and see what else they had. I saw some bustiers, but I could not reach them to look at the size labels. I went to the only staff person there, a young woman, and asked for help. My voice is not very convincing I’m sure, I just speak more softly and in a slightly higher pitch, and I know some people would say I don’t look nearly feminine enough to pass, but the fact is there was not even the slightest hint of hesitation, that look of “oh, what am I seeing here? Oh, right,” that we all know. She got a long hook, took down the bustiers and looked through them for me. I bought them, done.
I then walked to the store right next door, a very small wig shop, where there were two staff people, both middle aged women, sitting, looking bored, and not another customer. One immediately asked me what I was looking for, saying “a wig? for Hallowe’en?” Now they were polite and helpful (though I did not buy anything) but their reaction told me I was certainly read.
So, what made the difference? Same time, same general situation, and same person in the same outfit, shopping for strictly feminine items. The difference was in the observers. The first woman was busy, in a large store, trying to keep an eye on many things and moving about briskly. She had only one thing on her mind, serve this customer, and move on to the next task. She simply was not interested in me as anything else. The women in the second store were interested in me because I was the only thing of interest happening in the store. Being interested they automatically looked more closely and saw who I was.
Now extend this to other situations and people: some members have noted that teenage girls are very quick to spot a crossdresser. It is because, as someone pointed out, they are very interested in gender, and in style, so they look, and they see. But sometimes they don’t look. Why not? Once I was in a record store and bought some CDs (the musical kind). At the cash was a very young woman, but she was not interested in me at all. I could see she was bored to tears with her job, looking around the store for anyone or anything that was of interest. She took a quick glance at me, saw a middle-aged woman with no style that she would ever consider, and looked away, not interested.
Children are quick to spot crossdressers we know. It is not because they are experienced in the world and can easily see what is male or female. Quite the contrary, it is because they have little experience of the world, but very much want to understand it, so they look carefully at everything, trying to make sense of it. They are interested.
Adult women, in their 30’s to 50’s more or less, might be very interested in seeing other women’s clothing styles, so they look carefully, or they may not. Watch: you are more likely to be observed closely, and read, by a woman who is herself more stylishly dressed, because she is more interested in your clothes than a woman who is not so fashion-conscious. If she sees something that interests her, for good or bad, then she might look more closely at your clothes; then she might see you.
In any given situation, there can be people with different levels of interest in what they see. I went to the opera last week, and that was great because I got to dress up a bit more than usual. If you can’t dress up at the opera where can you? Some women go to the opera to see and be seen, and they might be very interested, unless they have the attitude that they are the ones to be seen, and why should they look at anyone else? So some will look at you while some will not, all in the same situation, seeing the same you in the same dress. (In my case: black satin slim skirt, iridescent blue blouse, black stockings, black patent heels, blue nail polish, by the way.)
At a sort of reception event before a film a man came up to me and started chatting. From the talk he clearly knew I was a crossdresser, and I knew he was gay. We had a pleasant talk, but all around us were many people not paying the slightest attention to us, not even that second glance at me. I don’t think they were interested; they were socializing and drinking and looking at photos on display. My conversationalist may well have been looking for another gay male, so he was interested in looking at others, so he looked closely for cues, and saw me, when most others were not interested and did not see. (He was wrong about that, by the way.) And I grant it is probable that a number of people in that particular crowd read me but did not react because they were the sort of people who simply do not care about gender roles and whether a man wants to wear feminine clothes. Which is perfectly fine by me.
So that’s my point, that what makes a lot of difference is what interest level the observer brings to the situation. We talk about confidence and how that makes a difference. How would that work? Well, if you are lacking confidence you send out signals that make people take an interest in you. While if you are confident, you send out a signal that says “oh, you can look at me if you like, but whether you do or don’t does not matter to me.” So, many won’t bother to look more closely. It is not rudeness, just a way of deciding what to pay attention to or not as they deal with the usual massive sensory input. Of course any obvious clues to masculinity—a bit of beard growth, a clumsy walk in heels, a slightly rougher voice—all make the observer more interested. A woman can have any of these, and people will look more closely, and decide she is nonetheless a woman. A crossdresser can have only a single “flaw” and the closer look leads to enough information to draw the different conclusion. That is why blending in is so important to passing. But the variable will often be the observer. If they are not interested to begin with for some inherent or situational reason, or if they get nothing back from us to pique their interest further, they are that much less likely to look further, and less likely to see us as crossdressers.
Does this make sense? Does it help?
Michaella