not sure

[Ingrid1999]

Hi Im new to this board (Ive posted and lurked a bit on the CD board) .
Im a bit of a mess, but basically Im afraid I may be transexual. Without writing a bio, is there a difference between feeling female and wishing you were female?

Ive struggled with feeling out of place in my body: from not being concerned with gender or gender roles as a child, to fear, silence and disappointment as adolecence kicked in, to riding the wave of masculinity in my teen years, to trying to hide my feminine traits mannerisms and desires in my twenties. By my 30s I had been convinced that I was in denial about being gay, eventhough I was never that into men though I tried to be.

Through it all, Ive longed to have a womans body since childhood, gravitated towards women and female frindships, and lovers, and had my heart broken by many lesbian girls. But, Ive never had the "woman trapped in a mans body feeling" Ive just felt like me. But that it would be much easier being me as a girl.

Im trying to be brief, but I am looking for a place to start working things out. The CD girls are great and I do CD sometimes, but for me its not so much the clothes, its the keening longing wish that I had been born female and the need to talk and find peace within myself.

[carolinoakland]

Well, however we get to the question, once arrived you must answer. you are a transexual. and you know this, you've spent most of your life trying to prove your not the thing you fear the most. You. took me a while. life got a whole lot easier, and a whole lot less scary. So, I suggest TS Roadmap, and get yourself to a trained gender therapist. You've waited this long, theres no point in doing this anyother way than perfect. at last. and just so we're clear. I was a self identified hetero crossdresser unlitl 14 months ago. Now I have changed my name legally to carol, and my gender on my id to f, and I've been on HRT for a year. And I've been full time at home and work since Jan. it all happens fast when you're not thinking about it. Carol

[Sharon]

There is a huge difference between wishing to be a woman and feeling like you are one. It's not easy to put into words for me, having never possessed the mind of a crossdresser, but "wishing" sounds like fantasy to me, as when a crossdresser may be letting his fantasies go beyond reality while in the thralls of dressing and doing his thing. Once the clothes are put away and he (the choice of pronouns is simply for clarity's sake) returns to his normal state, the fantasy ends until next time. "Feeling like a woman" is just that, the female mind within us does not match up with the physical reality.

I have heard many transsexuals state that they never experienced the "trapped in a male body" feeling, but I myself have felt that way since my pre-teens. It just shows that we are all different to some degree and one size does not fit all.

My only suggestion is to continue exploring your own mind and feelings, and seriously consider meeting with an experienced gender therapist who knows the questions to ask you and the thoughts to provoke.

For now, try to relax, whatever you may or may not be is very manageable and we are always here to give you feedback and support. :hugs:

[MaiaCalamity]

There is a difference, but whether that difference keeps one from being transsexual or not is hard to say. Traditionally, its been the trapped/had feelings since childhood- mostly stemming from the medicalization of transsexuality. When things become medical/psychiatric problems it becomes necessary to rigidly define them.

The problem is that this can leave some of us feeling trapped. We don't fit the exact definition, but we're not crossdressers or androgynous. In the end, you're more likely to know than any outside observer. You're the one that has to deal with the feelings, and you're more likely to be able to decide what is for you and what isn't.

[LisaM]

Ingrid,

I really understand what you are going through and, like Sharon, I suggest that you find a therapist that understands gender issues and can help you.

When I was younger (in the 1960's and 1970s) the only way you could be considered a transexual was if you told your doctors that "you were a women trapped in a male body". I really struggled with this as well. I didn't know how a women felt in her own body--I just knew how I felt and it didn't feel right.

I continue to struggle with this dysphoria but I also recognize now that I am not a CD because I couldn't come to grips with it. It has never been about dressing for me. I dress every day in some type of clothing. It is about what is inside my head and I have learned over time (through therapy and normal living) that inside my head I am a woman.

[joanlynn28]

Ingrid,
No matter what you find out what you are or aren't let me just say that you have come to the right place to find out. All of us have our own personal stories and situations but the one common thing we share is that we have a place to openly discuss these feelings and in time you will find out that your not the only one out there that possess the feelings you feel inside. My self I found in your position over four years ago and now today I am comfortable within my own body proud to be the woman that I am now. Where ever life takes you may it be filled with small bumps along the way to self acceptance and personal happiness.

[Karen564]

There is a huge difference between wishing to be a woman and feeling like you are one. It's not easy to put into words for me, having never possessed the mind of a crossdresser, but "wishing" sounds like fantasy to me, as when a crossdresser may be letting his fantasies go beyond reality while in the thralls of dressing and doing his thing. Once the clothes are put away and he (the choice of pronouns is simply for clarity's sake) returns to his normal state, the fantasy ends until next time. "Feeling like a woman" is just that, the female mind within us does not match up with the physical reality.

I have heard many transsexuals state that they never experienced the "trapped in a male body" feeling, but I myself have felt that way since my pre-teens. It just shows that we are all different to some degree and one size does not fit all.

My only suggestion is to continue exploring your own mind and feelings, and seriously consider meeting with an experienced gender therapist who knows the questions to ask you and the thoughts to provoke.

For now, try to relax, whatever you may or may not be is very manageable and we are always here to give you feedback and support. :hugs:

I agree with Sharon, no one size fits all on how one is supposed to feel.

I'm one that also always felt trapped in the wrong body 24/7, because I knew from early on I never felt right with a male body, it just didn't match what was in my head like complete opposites on every level..basically just a classic case of GID..

What I'm saying is, I never questioned how I felt inside, because I never doubted whether or not I felt female or not, because in my heart, mind & soul knew I was all girl inside for as long as I can remember, except was very unfortunately born with all the wrong equipment..hence feeling "trapped" in the wrong body..

The only way for me to stop feeling trapped at this point is have SRS..it's my only choice, because I've found it increasingly unbearable to live with this wrong body part anymore, it has to go, & the sooner the better..

And as Sharon said, seek some therapy with one that deals with gender issues, & then go from there..

Good luck..
:hugs:

[Katelyn]

HI Hon. I myself struggled with this question all my life. In fact, in 2006, I started a thread with basically the same question. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=42810

You're not the only one who has felt that way. Because of i felt this way, I setup my own set of standards which prevented me from seeing a therapist for 3 years. I always thought that for you were a true transsexual, you had to know that you were a woman trapped in a man's body and be suicidal. I wasn't like that. I was depressed but never suicidal. What I learned is there are as many different forms of transsexualism as there are species of birds. Not everyone has do feel the same way.

You said you don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, but let me ask you this... Do you feel like a Man?

My answer was no. I have never felt like a guy, man, male, etc. but I never felt like I was a woman trapped either. Even though I feel more comfortable as a woman, I felt like I was stuck in between two worlds. Not comfortable in the mans world, but not welcomed in the world of women. Finally after years of trying to answer this question myself, I sought help. Now I feel better and more accepting of myself than ever before. My advise is find a Therapist that specifically deals with transgenderism. It helps. Even if you find out that you're just a crossdresser, at least you'll have some closure.

Good luck hon.

[GypsyKaren]

Sit yourself down and ask yourself this question, "am I a woman?" Forget the clothes, how you felt before, the wishes and the wants, just work on that question and be honest with yourself while you do it, the answer is inside you now.

Karen

[MaiaCalamity]

Sit yourself down and ask yourself this question, "am I a woman?" Forget the clothes, how you felt before, the wishes and the wants, just work on that question and be honest with yourself while you do it, the answer is inside you now.

Karen
^This.

[Veronica_Jean]

Ingrid,

I struggled for nearly 40 years also trying to convince myself that I was not TS. Eventually I had to be honest with myself and have since started therapy and I am now on HRT.

I echo the feelings of the others that an experienced gender therapist would be very helpful. In the end, as you well described, you know what you feel.

Many of us have gone through this or are going through it now, and we are happier with ourselves despite whatever changes this brings about.

Good luck,

Veronica

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

felt like I was a woman trapped in a male body, but I never identified fully as a man. I always felt more comfortable with women and doing womanly activities. I faked liking the activities of men to fit it, but never did feel right. Over a year ago I decided that I was transsexual and decided to transition. I am almost full time at work and will be changing my name legally come Nov 30th. Been on hormones for 5 month's new.. Once you decide and are comfortable with yourself it moves fast.

As suggested seek a good gender therapist to help with the process. And good luck. Kimberly Marie Kelly :battingeyelashes:

[Jessinthesprings]

Welcome to being an official member of the board.

Now to your post. I am not a doctor and I cannot look you in the eye and say you are a transsexual. I don't think I am qualified to make that decision. However, I see a lot of parallels between you and I, and in many ways you have mirrored many of the feelings that I've felt myself. With that said I went to a therepist and in conjunction with myself thinking about it we'd came to the diognosis of GID.

However, what fits for one may not fit for all. I suggest that you find a therapist and take a lot of time examining your feelings. Ask your-self questions that will be effected by transition, and do all the boreing research such as the negitive effects of hormones. If you feel that you would still be happy with those descions then you just might be a transexual.

Good luck.

[Ingrid1999]

:love: Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond. It really means a lot to me to get sincere feedback.

There is a little piece of my feelings echoed in each of your reponses, that is very very comforting. BUt i think it is time i sought out an experienced therapist since these feelings have been with me for over 30 years and its harder to fight the depression without the frenetic distractions of youth.

But I have to dig into some of the questions you have left for me. No I dont feel like a Man. Never have. I do a rather good job of pretending though. But that always leaves me feeling left out inside and sometimes makes socializing a real chore. Ive always liked cars, guns and football, so Im OK conversation wise with guys especially from Sept through SuperBowl Sunday.

But Ive learned to try to curb my enthusiam over commenting on a womans style and fashion sense, my feelings towards my loved ones, or the thousand things that can get me emotive and emotional or even enthusiastic. I can never just forget myself without raising eyebrows. I have naturally feminine movements and gestures and feelings that I was raised/learned to try to hide. Im by far the more nurturing person in my romantic relationships, and Im a hopless romantic. Not like the other boys, has been both a compliment and a slur for me.

Do I feel like a woman? I dont know how to begin to answer that. I can say Ive never felt like the outside person reflected my inner self. More like a nice avatar but that I would not have choosen.

I could go on for hours but Rome wasnt built in a day so Ill just say thank you for now. Its nice to find people who know what Im feeling. I think i' ll stick around for a while.:hugs:

[Andi]

This is complicated. I've never felt like a woman trapped in a man's body because I don't know what it feels like to actually be a woman. I do know that I hate my male body and I hate the "man" mistakes I make in my actions or comments. I so want to learn how to think, converse, nurture, and love like a woman does if that is even possible. I can only pretend by using clothes and makeup, which feels natural to me, to assist me in my desire to be a woman. Do I wish I could be female - absolutely yes! Do I feel like a female - I think so but I really don't know what that really is like. I never had a desire to birth a child for instance, but the constant thought of having srs, implants and hormones occupies my thoughts most of my days. I guess I'm just a 65 year old mess who's been a mess for 55 years. :sad:

[Sara82]

Indgrid,

I can definitely relate to how you feel. I too feel that I have this feminine personality that I want to show the world. I don't necessarily feel trapped in the wrong body, but have simply come to terms with my dual spirits, and as a result wish to present my physical appearance in a more feminine sense, but not actually transition to a full time woman.

I understand what you mean when you say you enjoy womenly interests such as fashion, style, and that you tend to be more caring in relationships than the average guy. Also that you have trouble in social settings, because you feel you have to play a role. And most importantly, like you, CDing is not about just the clothes, but that CDing has served as a catalyst to make you really discover yourself. These all are exactly the way I feel. And I have asked myself the same questions as you. So While i might "WISH" and dream that I could be a women, i don't feel i "SHOULD" have been a woman, and that is a very fine line. So to answer your original posed question, i would say yes there is a huge difference between those two ideas. And probably what separates transsexuals from everything else, or perhaps just call it a more intense level of Gender Dysphoria. However none of this means that we still can't present ourselves in a more feminine manner when going out in the world, whether it be the way we dress, talk, our behaviors, etc. The real question is, do we have the confidence to put ourselves out there, and be who we want to be. Because whether we are transsexual or not, we will receive criticism, we will feel rejection, we will hurt, and it won't be easy, but that's just life.

I hope you don't think i'm trying to diagnose you as anything or tell you who you are, but the worst thing you can do is tell yourself that becoming transsexual will solve your problems, or blame all your short comings as a male on the idea that if you become a woman, life will somehow become easier. We all share some place on this very intricate transgendered spectrum, it can be very hard to find yourself, just take things slow, and do some very deep soul searching.