A big dilema

[Stephenie]

So One of my daughters is getting married soon. She is living with the young man at this time and they seem very happy.

The problem is.... she has brought up to my wife that he has dressed up in her clothes a couple of times (just being funny). But the couple of times seems to be that he tried on all her dresses each time, with underwear to suit.

I have no issue with him xdressing, heck I do. But, if it is more than just kidding around then I think he should tell her up front instead of years down the road like I did. It can be quite the mess then. And of course since my wife hates it and will leave me next time she sees any proof, she is very concerned.

So how do I discuss this with out outing myself to them and making things worse with wife , but how do I let it go since she is my daughter.

Yes I did hide it from my wife for 20+ yrs and am now have many deep problems over it. I just don't want her to go through what my wife is going through. Yet if she is okay with it then I will be supportive.

any way I need/want to know what you girls think.

[Miranda09]

Since she has already brought up the issue with your wife, just do your fatherly duties and talk about it with your daughter. You don't have to out yourself at this point. Just have her do the talking and follow up on any concerns she has in her relationship. I don't have any children myself, so what I'm saying is not out of any experience. It's just how I believe I might handle just such a situation. You can do it. :)

[CharlotteCD]

Think how you would feel if you were in his situation, it seems as though you are both the same? I might be over-simplifying it though.

Yes, hiding it must be a problem and stress in the long run but equally I wouldn't like to be forced to come out to your daughter if I was in his shoes.

It might be that in 10 years he tells her and their marriage is stronger for those 10 years and if she knew now she might not be able to deal with it?

Sorry you have been put in this position, it must be very stressful :sad:

[RADER]

This is a tough one. It might be a good idea to take the future son in law
out for lunch, with out anybody else knowing. Thier ask him directly if he
is into any type of C D. Thier, one on one, you might be able to open up a
conversation about his wants and desires. Don't come on to strong, he will
denie everything and get defence addatued. You might then mention that
at one time you also would try on your wife's clothes as a lark or something.
You don't have to give up all your secrets, unless the conversation goes
that direction. Good luck with this; I believe you are in a tuff spot with your
wife on one side, and your life on the other. Rader

[mklinden2010]

>>Yes I did hide it from my wife for 20+ yrs and am now have many deep problems over it. I just don't want her to go through what my wife is going through. Yet if she is okay with it then I will be supportive.

any way I need/want to know what you girls think.



What do I think?

I think you're a hypocrite:

"A person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives"

You can figure out the rest.

[Stephenie]

Mary,

Yes, I do feel like a hypocrite. which makes it even harder to decide how to handle this. I choose to not say any thing to my wife before getting married and then years later when I felt tha i could no longer hide it I told her and now my marrage will probably not last much longer.

But knowing what I know, how can I ignore what my daughter may be headed for. What kind of parent would that make me.

Just because I made the wrong choice does it mean that I can not doing any thing now to help my daughter?

[mklinden2010]

>>Just because I made the wrong choice does it mean that I can not doing any thing now to help my daughter?

I have no idea what a hypocrite "feels" like - though I suspect someone who behaves hypocritically responds to hot and cold just like anyone else.

OK, I'll do page one of your homework:

You pose your question as if there's some problem to be resolved. Is there? Is it so hard to just say to your daughter,

"Say, uh, do you think there might be more to this dressing up stuff? And, if there was, how would you feel about it?"

She may say, "Well, gee Dad, you do it..."

Or, she may say, "What? No. He's just messing around."

Or, she may say, "Fine by me if he does. He just needs to stay out of my makeup!"

Or, she may say, "Ohhhhhh h******llll nooooo!"

Don't be a jerk and over-think this while time passes. Talk to her like she's a human being and as if you cared to cover some basic ground before she makes a long-term commitment.

You don't have to fess up about anything. But, if you give a rat's backside, speak your mind about your concerns, DAD.

Page 2.. Up to you.

[Aska]

I would casually bring it up to him when you are alone. You don't have to out yourself but mention that you heard something and drop statements like about how many people do it. Don't act concerned and don't accuse him. He will most likely get defensive but if you tell him something like most men have tried on womens clothing to see if they feel different then this should put a little ease in the conversation. He might ask if you have done it which could if not answered right cause some complications but it is all up to you.

[DonnaT]

It's a tough situation you find yourself in, Stephenie.

My daughter is getting married next year, so I think I can place myself in your shoes, a little.

I doubt he was just kidding around. Kidding around is usually a one time deal, not a full dressup session.

I would have to take my daughter aside and give her the benefit of my knowledge. And not just about CDing, but TG and TS.

At this point, you don't really have to out yourself. Being older, wiser and knowledgeable should be sufficient. If not, then you may have to out yourself.

You'd have to make her promise not to repeat anything she heard from you to your wife. And tell her why.

I know it's not easy to out yourself to your daughter, but it's better than having her go through what your wife has gone through. I know I love my daughter way to much to let that happen.

Hopefully you can teach your daughter enough that she can accept this part of her fiance. If she can't, then it's best to find that out before the wedding takes place. Divorce is a hard thing on some.

[sherri52]

Get your daughter aside without you wife and discuss your future son in laws dressing. If it bothers her have her seek counciling with him before the marriage. If it is a problem now it can get real serious later especially if thier are children. If it doesn't bother her it may be an out for you to tell her about your cd'ing. Something you can both keep from your wife. At our later ages anyone that we can come out to that is understanding is great. I keep trying with most women I know. Not men, they don't seem to be understanding.

[Angelofsomekind]

I'd talk to your wife first, let her know that you know she is having a hard time dealing with you dressing, but you don't want your daughter to go through the same thing, I'm sure she cant argue that. So she can talk to your daughter about it. Maybe have your daughter just mention it to him and give him the opportunity to come out to her about it.

May not work, he may be to embarrassed, but at least she gave him the chance.

[windycissy]

Seems to me the kid is lightyears ahead of you, he's dressing up in her clothes, not behind her back...IMO bringing it up with him is a terrible idea, he'll be pissed that his fiance told her mother who told you and by the time the whole thing blows over you'll probably be outed in front of them all. I'd keep my peace if I were you....

[docrobbysherry]

Seems to me the kid is lightyears ahead of you, he's dressing up in her clothes, not behind her back...IMO bringing it up with him is a terrible idea, he'll be pissed that his fiance told her mother who told you and by the time the whole thing blows over you'll probably be outed in front of them all. I'd keep my peace if I were you....

Unless you're ready to come out of the closet, Steph, and sounds like u AREN'T, discussions with ANYONE about CDing r a red flag!:eek:

Maybe u should go out with the future son in law, to get to know each other, and have a few drinks.:drink:
But, be prepared NOT to discuss CDing at all!:eek:

Maybe if you're getting on well after a few toddies, u MITE tell a short story about your "buddy" who prepared for Halloween, by trying on some of his wife's clothes! Then, SHUT UP! If he bites, ask him some other CASUAL questions! If he doesn't, LET IT GO!:brolleyes:
If for some reason, he spills his guts, JUST LISTEN!:eek:

That's what I would do, if I found out my daughter's new husband wore her things!:straightface:

[sterling12]

Is your Daughter an Adult? Whatever happens is between her and him! Even though you might be a concerned parent, you need to keep your nose out of it!

If you interfere, your Daughter and soon to be Son-in-Law will resent you, or even worse. Also, I'm absolutely certain if you asked your wife....she wouldn't want you to interfere either.

Much as you might want her to be "Daddy's little Girl," this is now a woman and she will make her own decisions.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Rebecca Jayne]

If you want to keep your cd removed from this dilemma, find a news story, like that Ga. Teen kick out of school, and bring it up casually and see how your daughter responds.

If she bites pull her in, if she nibbles give her a little line, and if she isn't even close change the subject.

[Frédérique]

The problem is.... she has brought up to my wife that he has dressed up in her clothes a couple of times (just being funny). But the couple of times seems to be that he tried on all her dresses each time, with underwear to suit.

Yes I did hide it from my wife for 20+ yrs and am now have many deep problems over it. I just don't want her to go through what my wife is going through. Yet if she is okay with it then I will be supportive.


What can be done to break down the barriers for these unsympathetic women? How about they get a book, take a stroll among the flowers on this site, dress as a man, watch Monty Python (laugh, for crying out loud!) – they should do something that will open their eyes to the fact that all people are different, special, and unique! A man dressing up in his fiancée’s clothes (for a joke or not) is not a big problem in the lexicon of truly serious problems a couple may face. Call it a test of love – if she truly loves the young man, she should embrace all of his eccentricities. Your daughter should try on all of his clothes and see how he likes it – from the sound of it, they’re the same size! :battingeyelashes: What if he brings up the “problem” of her wearing his clothes? What would your un-enlightened wife think about that scenario? I feel an epiphany coming for someone in your family, and I'm sure another thread will soon follow…:idontknow:

[wizo]

I don't think you should out yourself just yet, but you should have a frank disscussion with your daughter. You owe her that, you don't need to delve deeply into her feelings or yours about CDing, just give her some food for thought, and let her contemplate. She's a big girl and at some point we have to trust the judgement of our children, as hard as it is to accept.

[AmandaM]

Your daughter has a right to know her boyfriend's motivations.

[marny]

I see two scenario's 1) Keep your nose out of it. 2) you are being baited to be drawn out. Don't fall for it.

[SuzanneBender]

Advice from a sister with four kids two of them girls one of them with a betrothed. Be Dad! Talk with her about it, but only after you talk with your wife. Come up with a way to handle this that you both agree upon. You owe her a discourse on this issue. The least it does is let her know that you care and it may also set the ground work for her and your future son in law to be open about this in the future if it comes to that. No need to fess up ut you unless you and your wife want to take this opportunity to let her know.

[Karren H]

Personally........ I wouldn't let one of those "perverts" near my daughter!!! but that's just me!! :D

[cara]

Your daughter is an adult and hasn't asked for your opinion so maybe you should mind your own business.
I don't know all the specifics about your life but seeing how your marriage is shaky have you thought about coming out yourself? By doing so, you would no doubt generate conservations about the the young mans dressing up.

Cara

[Stephenie]

Thanks everyone,

There is a lot to thinks about here.

[Rogina B]

It obviously struck a nerve with your daughter to tell your wife TMI.So,I would set up a one on one and just tell him you heard,through your wife,etc. And then say that lots of people dress and that it can cause problems if not talked over properly.Suggest that he talk this out with your daughter asap .You can say that you have no problem with it but you hate to see it blow up for your little girl....That way,you haven't outed yourself,shown you are of open mind,and concerned for their happiness together. To do nothing is being a hypocrite in my book.:2c:

[SherriePall]

Methinks your daughter already has an idea of what is going on. Afterall, her beloved tried on all of her clothes. A skirt or a bra or a dress is fooling around. Trying on and modeling more than that is not. As for talking to either your daughter or your future son-in-law, I would hesitate to do so since she spoke to your wife and not you. Your daughter may be fine with the dressing and your wife has put a different spin on it because of her dislike.
In short, I would tread lightly for the time being.

[madison lee]

>>Yes I did hide it from my wife for 20+ yrs and am now have many deep problems over it. I just don't want her to go through what my wife is going through. Yet if she is okay with it then I will be supportive.

any way I need/want to know what you girls think.



What do I think?

I think you're a hypocrite:

"A person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives"

You can figure out the rest.




Don't hold back Mary....tell us how you really feel! lol

[Ras]

Have a chat with your daughter to make sure she is on the same page. I don't think you need to out yourself but if she asks how you know so much you may wish to share your CDing with her.

Depending on how the conversation goes with your daughter, youmay also want to have a chat with him to see where he stands knowing that he will most likely say he was just goofing around. But you can still let him know that what ever they doo together is cool as long as both are happy. That is the bottom line.

It is too bad your wife is so pig headed and sounds like it is just a matter of time before you will leave as you know as well as I do that your dressing will never stop. So it is a matter of how long you can hide it from her. So be prepared for that battle at some point as well.

Keep us posted.

[suchacutie]

Hi! You mention in your initial post that YOU think he should tell her if he is actually transgendered in some way. Well, do you really think it is your call?

Step back a moment. Your daughter spoke to your wife. Your wife, who can't stand your dressing, spoke you you. Doesn't that strongly imply there there is a problem here? Be Careful!

The only line of approach that I can see here is a discussion with your daughter Totally Limited To: Your mother told me of the incident of your finance and your clothes. Are you ok with it?

And then let her take the lead. Don't give advice, don't give opinions, don't make decisions. Let her talk and if it's short, it's short. If she goes on keep asking her how she's come to the conclusions she has and just help her work it through at her level only. It seems to me that she already is moving forward, so let her do it at her speed, with the only thing you've gotten across to her as that you are willing to listen....listen only.

Is this hard...you bet!!! good luck!!!

tina

[Lorileah]

Interesting concept. How do you "out" someone else without "outing" yourself. Such a paradox. How do you tell someone to be up front and honest to their future spouse and still hide from people yourself? That's enough to make your head explode. Now here's the kicker, how do you force yourself into the private affairs of someone else? Even as a father? Is your future son-in-law violating some law that will imperil your daughter? Did you raise your daughter to be closed minded? How do you know your sil is a CD. Maybe he was having fun with his fiance and next week they will rent a room at the dew drop in and hang from the chandelier.

If your daughter asks for advice, give it. Out yourself in need be (and it probably needs be). Don't get into it just because you can. This isn't suggesting what color to paint the livingroom. It is their life.

She's an adult. Evidently she thought it was cute or funny. That shows at least an amount of acceptance. You want to distance your future son in law? Confront him about this. Now he knows that everything he does goes back to mama who evidently tells papa who thinks he needs to fix it. So if he had any inkling of telling her, that is gone because he can't trust her to not tell.

They say that girls pick lovers that remind them of their dads. Maybe that is more true than we realize

[mklinden2010]

>>Don't hold back Mary....tell us how you really feel! lol


I'm telling you what I t-h-i-n-k of the past behavior and the current situation.

"Hypocrite" is just a word that describes the actions that have been taken is spite of his/her true feelings and true agenda.

So, how do I feel about this mess?

Not good.

It's like watching someone take needless risks for very little gain - over first one lifetime, then another.

And, I could back up the original post and query:

"So, if you really thought/thinnk you're CDing was/is OK for you life/wife/family, why is it suddenly an issue for your daughter's life?"

You ask me what to do... I ask you why you haven't already done it.

This is not about crossdressing - this is about you and how you deal with your personal issues in life.

You couldn't have floated this issue sooner?

Well, there's the water fall up ahead - paddle harder or get out.

Pun intended.

[karen68]

Hi Stephanie here's my :2c:
If you are out to your wife does your daughter know too, if so then talk to her first on her own, to see if she hasn't a problem with it, if she is ok with it then, just tell her how you feel about cding, I know difficult thing to to talk about cding to your daughter, but atleast she will get the idea of what its like from his side.
If your daughter doesn't know then go for a beer and try to talk with him, but don't just blurt it out, try to get round to it, as you are not entirely out of the closet, you have made the first steps telling your wife, so it cannot be any harder to speak to a fellow cder. Now that is asumeing he does cd, you must make sure first otherwise you will be making a fool of yourself:sad:
Well thats my:2c: I wish you luck and strength hun:hugs:

[Lorileah]

this could be a great scene in a movie. Fade in, two men, one older, walk into a bar and sit next to each other.

"So how's it going with my daughter?"

"Very well thank you sir."

"great, great. She is the apple of my eye you know. She is my world"

"Yes sir. I know that and she loves you very much."

"uh huh. Say what about United? You think they can take the title this year?"

"they have some good players, Yes they have a chance."

"yeah I agree, they are playing well right now. Whats this about you wearing my little girls panties?"

That wedding is off now. Still think it isn't YOUR call on this.

[karen68]

this could be a great scene in a movie. Fade in, two men, one older, walk into a bar and sit next to each other.

"So how's it going with my daughter?"

"Very well thank you sir."

"great, great. She is the apple of my eye you know. She is my world"

"Yes sir. I know that and she loves you very much."

"uh huh. Say what about United? You think they can take the title this year?"

"they have some good players, Yes they have a chance."

"yeah I agree, they are playing well right now. Whats this about you wearing my little girls panties?"

That wedding is off now. Still think it isn't YOUR call on this.

:lol:

[Katherine1951]

Hi Stephenie,
I too am not out to my wife but she knows and does not accept it. When we met 18 years ago and then moved in together, she was rearranging the closet to fit some of her clothes and found my boxes marked "Halloween Costumes", naturally they wer my CD apparel. She did not approve. So then, like an idiot, I threw them all out. Eventually the heat of the marriage cooled off and for excitement, and the love of it, I started purchasing apparel again, and hiding it. She found a CD book I had, I left it out on purpose thinking we would be able to talk about it, but it was a MAJOR negative from her end, so I let it go.
To get to the part of my suggestion, I would talk to my Daughter and direct her to CD help sites, there are many online, that explain the different types of CD's, their needs, the pro's and con's, etc... and let her know that if she truly loves him, you will accept him, without any apprehension. She should be able to find many pluses online and maybe even direct her to this site. Make a list for her and include this site.
Hope this helps, good luck.
Love, Hugs and Kisses,
Kat

[jenniferj]

Hi Stephenie,

My 2 cents are as follows:

1. You already understand the type of problems that your daughter and future son-in-law will eventually have if he is "one of us" and tries to keep it a secret from his wife. Most of us have done that, many of us are still doing it, and we all feel bad about it. And most of our wives are hurt and at least a little resentful when they do find out.

2. Future son-in-law may be "feeling your daughter out" by exposing her several times to this, "just for fun". He may be looking for a way to tell her. As they say in television courtroom dramas, he opened the door on this line of inquiry.

3. Obviously, your daughter isn't completely freaked by this, since he has done it more than once.

4. You can talk with your daughter without outing yourself. The internet is a wonderful thing; all you need say is that after she mentioned it to you you did some web surfing and this is what you found...

Be sure to mention that according to what you've read most CDers make great, loving husbands, and that you (and her Mom) really don't see it as a problem. (She may actually know more than she has said and may be "feeling you out" about how you would react to son-in-law)

5. Suggest to her that if she is bothered by this, she should do some reading on her own and talk to future son-in-law.

6. It may be that there is absolutely no problem, but you could save them the years of guilt and it took some of us to fess up...

7. BTW, they used to say that happy young women look for "replicas of their daddies" to marry - maybe she found one :)

Anyways, that's what I would do under the same circumstances (except that my little girl already knows about her daddy)

JJ's guy-me

[sissystephanie]

So One of my daughters is getting married soon. She is living with the young man at this time and they seem very happy.

The problem is.... she has brought up to my wife that he has dressed up in her clothes a couple of times (just being funny). But the couple of times seems to be that he tried on all her dresses each time, with underwear to suit.

So how do I discuss this with out outing myself to them and making things worse with wife , but how do I let it go since she is my daughter.

Speaking as not only a senior age CD (over 65 years experience), but also as a father of a daughter and son, I think I am able to offer some advice!

Other have offered you good advice already, so I will be just adding to that. The first thing you need to do, which I believe has been suggested, is to have a private meeting with the young man. Mention to him that you heard from your wife about him wearing your daughters clothes, including her underwear. Let him know, by the way you say it, that you think that is a little strange! Watch his face closely as he answers, and you may see the answer that you suspect! If he is not a CD, he probably will just laugh it off. If he is a CD, he will probably fumble for an answer. Let him know that you really don't care what he wears, but you don't want your daughter hurt by his actions. Tell him, without revealing your own secret, that you do know something about Crossdressers (use the whole word, not saying CD's) and that you personally do not find it repulsive but that your wife does! Then, after you have had your chat with him and found out his true story, talk to your daughter and find out her thoughts about him dressing in her clothes. Again, without talking about yourself. If she already knows, and she probably does, she will bring it up herself. After all, she did tell her Mom about him wearing her clothes. but not her Dad! IMHO, daughters do talk to their Dads about a lot of things. If she doesn't bring up your own actions, then leave the subject alone.

It sounds as though your own marriage is close to sinking as it is. I am sorry to say that, but from what you have stated I see no other course. Neither you or your wife are willing to compromise, or apparently to even have a discussion. That is frequently the price that is paid for living a lie for many years.:sad:

[elaine_kt8]

Stephanie,

From what you have written your daughter is well aware of her fiances crossdressing, and does not seem to have too much of an issue with it (at least not as mcuh an issue as your wife does). The situation between her and her fiance is thus rather different than that between you and your wife.

In my view, to offer your advice to daughter or fiance, where none was asked, and on what they will clearly consider as very personal issues, seems to be asking for trouble.
Either you must admit that you also crossdress when raising the issue, or you risk damage to your relationship if (when) they later find this out and consider you a hypocrite.
Also there is a fair chance that your daughter's fiance considers crossdressing as just something he does for fun (to be funny) at the moment. Yet you would expect him to be fully reconciled that this is a permanent and necessary part of his life. Think carefully. How would you have reacted if a future father-in-law had raised the issue with you.

Perhaps ask your wife if she feels your daughter was asking for advice in this instance.

Sometimes a parent has to let their children travel their own journeys, make their own decisions, and experience both the love and the tears in their own relationships.
Your role is to be there with help and advice when they need you (not when you think they need you).

[CherylFlint]

Stay out of it.