Post Transition Halloween Blues....

[KaraChristine]

When I first started crossdressing I loved Halloween - I felt like it somehow "sanctioned" an otherwise less acceptable activity (being myself). Now after a year of living full time and fully transitioning I'm finding myself pretty much HATING Halloween because people are more likely to assume that you're "disguised". My transition has been about just being myself, removing disguises rather than putting them on. So I didn't wear a costume last night and it was so sad and annoying that everyone assumed everywhere I went that I was "dressed as a girl" - I was just being my 24/7/365 female self !!

It got nastier as the night went on. I went to have dinner at the suburban house of the guy I've been dating. I'm his first experience with the transgender thing (he's divorced and only ever dated/married GG's). We've been dating a couple months, :daydreaming: having a great time and are really getting to like each other. I went over without a costume and I was really enjoying giving out candy to all the adorable neighborhood kids as they came to the door - Michael (my date) kept looking on with a smile and a hug as I interacted with the kids.

Then an older boy came to the door (probably about 16 or so) - he took one look at me and said, "Shit, are you a dude?" I looked him calmly in the eye and told the truth "No, I'm not" - the kid gave me a hateful look and said, "Bullshit - yes you are" - then he looked at Michael and said, "Are you gay?". I wasn't sure what to do, I'd been having such a nice night with Michael but our relationship is still a bit new and tenuous. I saw Michael start to get really angry and the last thing I wanted was for him to get in trouble punching a minor so I quickly closed the door and tried to calm him down. He's a very supportive, very open minded, very sweet man and he keeps telling me that he's falling in love with me - but I could also see in his eyes that there is now some shame mixed in there. This morning as I was leaving he seemed embarassed as his neighbors saw him kiss me in the driveway....

Is it always going to be like this? As we all know, relationships are hard enough to find and sustain without all these added pressures and trauma... just when I feel like I'm happy and letting my guard down, things like this seem to pop up and remind me that a lot of the world views us as "damaged goods" and freaks.... Not the best way to end a happy night. :doh:

[Melissa A.]

Oh damn, girl. That really stinks. But if he's as mature and open minded as you say, he should get over it. You also might be reading more into the morning goodbye kiss than there was. At least I hope so. The last thing you wanna do is worry to death about it. I wish you the best with him.

I did wear a costume on halloween, as per my thread about it here. Yeah, there's always that danger, on Halloween , that people will think you're just dressing up. Goes with the territory, I guess. I'm prepared to get used to it, like everything else. Durring the day, I went shopping at a mall with a GG girlfriend, and maybe it was exactly because it was Halloween, (I wasn't wearing anything unusual, at that point), but my friend told me as soon as I walked into the women's room before we left, two female mall security guards went RUNNING in after me! I didnt see that. All I saw was one of them standing there eyeing me as I washed and dried my hands. I turned my head as I was at the dryer and gave her a nice, long, calm look. No guilt in my eyes whatsoever. So I guess she got that I was comfortable and deserved to be there. (Plus NYC has gender identity protection laws, and I'm sure they've been told that) But that has never happened to me before, so I'm gonna chalk it up to it being Halloween. Whatever. I'm not too bothered by the whole thing. It can be a wierd day for us TS's though. I will admit that.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[karen68]

Oh damn, girl. That really stinks. But if he's as mature and open minded as you say, he should get over it. You also might be reading more into the morning goodbye kiss than there was. At least I hope so. The last thing you wanna do is worry to death about it. I wish you the best with him.

Hi Kara, I agree with melissa, you are probably reading too much into this because of the little shit last night playing on your mind.:hugs::hugs:

And I go along with what others have said here you DO look beautiful hun:love:

[Karen564]

OMG, Kara, 1st let me give you some :hugs:

I'm so sorry, what a rotten & mean kid!!!!, But just remember this, he's just a boy, and boy's are very stupid!!, Well that's what my 14yo daughter tells me all the time & I just so happen to agree with her.. Personally I would of slammed the door in his face the minute he blurted out his 1st rude remark, like NO, I'm not a dude!, slam..

That kid needs to have his eyes checked...and learn some manners..

All I'm saying is, dont let this get to you or between your man, & look at this as a test of his devotion to you, if he can deal with it, then you really found someone special, if he's scared, give him time..

And above all, your not a freak, so dont ever say that or put yourself down, you are an amazing woman that has the guts that many of the so called normal population has no clue what it takes to be who we are, or have to live with to get this far..

So keep your chin up, it's just another bump in the path we took, but believe you will prevail in the end..

:love:

[joanlynn28]

Kara I guess I have to say I had a similar experience last night as well. I decided to get dressed to go out and try and have a good time, Halloween is not a very good time for me because eight years ago I lost my only child on Halloween Night, that in itself is hard to deal with and so I wanted to be out with other people instead of being alone. So I decided that I was going to just be a ****ty call girl, so I wore a very skimpy party dress I bought four years ago and did my makeup real heavy especially on the eyes. Normally I tend to dress on the conservative side. Anyway I went to a gay nightclub which usually has a good cross section of people of all types on Saturday nights. Unity night is what they call it a place for both gays and lesbians to sociallize freely. Well the crowd was predominately lesbian at least 3/4s with a few straight couples there. It is just that this one woman seemed to single me out and dragged me out onto the dance floor. It was openly obvious to me that she was another transgendered but it was like what made her know I was one too. I live my life mostly in stleath, the only other people here that know I am TS are just my immediate family and other TGs that I know from support group meetings. It just that I felt that I was outed by this other person. Or is it that it takes one to know one thing, I don't know I have meet a couple of girls here that I thought were GGs until they said otherwise at meetings.

[Catina]

Hi Kara, Your photo shows an attractive woman who shows flirtative confidence. I'm confused why the ugly teenager behaved so badly?

[Lorileah]

holy....:Angry3: Kara. Geez what a little....:Angry3:

First 16 and he's freakin begging for candy? What is he an ugly virgin? That really had to hurt and I am so sorry. You can teach ignorance but you can't stop stupid it is inborn. I would have asked what kennel his mother was from.

I am sure Micheal hasn't changed any. It is good you were able to handle the situation. He is probably more upset at how you were treated than what was said to him. I would like to say let this whole thing pass but you will never forget the little maggot. Just know that karma will come back.

And also know that you have many here who have your back. Look forward to a wonderful holiday season with Micheal. :hugs:

[Nicole Erin]

Is it always going to be like this? As we all know, relationships are hard enough to find and sustain without all these added pressures and trauma... just when I feel like I'm happy and letting my guard down, things like this seem to pop up and remind me that a lot of the world views us as "damaged goods" and freaks.... Not the best way to end a happy night. :doh:

Well, I guess it doesn't help but try not to forget that most of us "out" trans folks have a hard time.
Think about it - the ones who pass and are pretty much stealth, they constantly have to worry about being outed somehow.
Those of us who don't pass so well, the problems are obvious.
The photo you have up there is very nice and I don't know why someone would so quicky read you.

The thing I always tell myself is that there will always be assholes in the world. I guess the en vouge word right now is "haters". Yep, there are enough of them, it is common enough they have their own slang word...
I still call them "assholes", that was the slang I grew up with to describe guys like the 16 year old.

[LisaM]

Kara,

I am sorry to hear about your night. I think you (and all of those who have transitioned) will have to face similar evenings. I wish it were different.
I truly respect you for living your life as you wanted and transitioning. Those who choose to be less than accepting are so small in my eyes!

[GypsyKaren]

It's not uncommon for kids to ask me if I'm a guy, and I just tell them, "I used to be, but I had an operation to fix that problem." It sounds to me that you were dealing with the Asshole Brigade this time, you just have to consider the source. I did think for a moment yesterday while I was out how I would be seen by people, if they would think I was doing the Halloween thing, but I quickly dismissed it and went with my usual chin up attitude with a smile, that always works for me.

Kara, I'd give anything to look as good as you do. I know that I don't pass and I not only accept that, but I'm comfortable with it because that's the hand I was dealt so I play it. You know who you are and you just have to be yourself for you, anyone who looks down on us isn't worth our bother.

You say that Michael is a sweet man, then trust in that and trust in him by giving him time and patience. Every relationship needs that, more so for us because we're such a new experience for them...trust your feelings.:hugs:

Karen :g1:

[Jessinthesprings]

Wow I honestly don't have a clue how that punk figured you out. To me you look totally passable and very pretty. You are one of the girls I wish I could only look half and good as you.

[Rogina B]

I would have insulted him back and slammed the door in his face.He is shaping up to be a real punk....Hope all goes well with your boyfriend...he'll get over it!:hugs:

[Stephanie Heplby]

As others have said before me, you are a beautiful woman. Take confidence in that and accept the love that Michael gives you.

[Suzy Harrison]

You look lovely - but little kids are very perceptive - even the little ars#holes

:hugs: Suzy

[MJ]

Kara hey sis we will always get some smart ass comments thats our lot in life.
but you are beautiful :hugs: and remember Michael has to deal with what people will think or say as well. and sadly thats life

and just for the record i feel the same way as you.. at least you had a happy night lucky you

[KaraChristine]

Thanks everyone for the sensitive, intelligent responses. With a couple of days perspective, I think I probably overreacted a bit. Of course we all have to deal with people who don't understand sometimes. After reading about all the Transgender Day of Remembrance history, it's obvious that a lot of trans women have dealt with much worse. I feel fortunate to be able to walk away from a nasty encounter and learn a lesson.

Thanks again for the sweet thoughts - I love the fact that people help each other through so many things on this site :hugs:

[Zenith]

Hun...lean on us anytime...but don't let this stuff keep you from enjoying your new life.

:hugs:

Julie

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

to have a wonderful relationship with Michael. There will always be insensitive people , young immature kids who have no manners and as some here would say "Assholes". All I can say is when these people say these cruel words, our own fears and insecurities make us think the worst. Instead, think of the love that Michael has for you and focus on that, lean on him, confide your fears with him and grow stronger together.

You are blessed to have a wonderful relationship that is growing and you are further blessed to be very beautiful. Rest in your love with Michael. By the way Michael is a good name and usually all the Michaels I have met have been wonderful kind men. :battingeyelashes: Kimberly

[anDrea F]

OK i get this as im a "tranny" and went to town so to speak but my freind who plays in a band is preop and went as herself to her own gig and i could tell she went trough a similar thing.

[girlalex]

for all we know that 16 year old might be gay himslafe. i mean if you are confident with your sexuality being a heterosexual why would you relly care about other people if they might be gay, ect. the 16 year old was probably just really really pissed of at something he didn't understand about his own oriantation. his confusion was probably led to anger.

[kellycan27]

for all we know that 16 year old might be gay himslafe. i mean if you are confident with your sexuality being a heterosexual why would you relly care about other people if they might be gay, ect. the 16 year old was probably just really really pissed of at something he didn't understand about his own oriantation. his confusion was probably led to anger.

:eek: huh?

[carolinoakland]

It's when we start to get relaxed about our presentation that we are taken by surprise when someone clocks us. I was feeling pretty good about myself the other day/ night when I got off at 3am and was walking down the street when these guys in pick up drive by screaming... ''get out of the city ya faggot!"
I really don't give a damn what a pair of drunk pussy's driving around in a truck at 3 in the morning think but... damn it how did they clock me? From a block away and I'm wearing a full length womans coat? It really is the timing of things Kara, that got to me yes, but on the other hand on a recent job as an exhibihtion floor tech, the employer gave me the administrative task of going around to all the booths and collecting signatures. Definately not my job, but I was enthused at the 'girl' job. But it could have been very daunting, having to engage high level salespeople and oh yes lets not forget the 20 somethings or younger 'spokesmodels' that are EVERYWHERE! And I did it! Yes there were stare's and a few double takes. But most people where very friendly, and I really enjoyed the experience, and it did do wonders for my confidence, and then the truck boys happened. So which do we believe? Ourselve's or a bunch of uneducated yahoo's? And most of all, I think you handled the situation well. The new boyfriend is not sure how defend his girls honor when someone is saying that she's not a girl. Just let him know that you are you,not 'just like' a woman, you are one.

[Sally2005]

I have experienced a similar thing. I'm not TS, I am a CDer, not out, but I dress up on halloween because I like halloween and actually it is my way of outting myself a little bit. The thing is, if I dress on a regular day I can blend in fine. But on Halloween, if I dress (sans costume) I feel disrespectful because my CD image is not a costume. If I wear a costume, it is enfem with a female costume. Last year, I was pretty convincing and one girl asked me if I was a guy or girl...my voice gave it away and she grabbed my breasts (imagine if they were real!), but otherwise people were unsure (I think word got around that I was a guy because I got acknowledged when the prized were being voted on). The evening was fun, but I was nervous because I was more or less trying to pass (to fool everyone). I felt uncomfortable using a female voice because if I was discovered, then there could be questions about my gender identity vs being in drag for fun. This year, I didn't care if I 'fooled' anyone, I wore a wedding dress and zombie makeup. A couple people asked my gender, some others knew, but they all interacted with me in a friendly way, nobody cared as long as I was friendly with them. The thing is, I actually had the best time ever because I just did my thing and I put the gender issue on the backburner and just enjoyed the party.

I can't speak for TS, but unless you are 100% passable, don't you have to accept that you will be read and sometimes questioned about it? The kid sounded rude and I'm sure you were not expecting it, but instead of answering his question, try a response like, "why are you asking such a silly question?" ...see where this goes, he may back down and appologize or he may tell you something you need to know and you can also converse with him calmly and show him you are human too.

I'm not sure if I'm getting my point across... I think I'm just saying to be proud of who you are and if someone else notices who you are, just smile and politely tell them what they said 'is old news'.

[Beth-Lock]

I have not given this a lot of thought. This last Halloween was the first that I faced while living as a woman full-time. I think I stayed in, mostly, though I wanted to go out. I did go to the trans group's supper where they celebrated Halloween, but it was not the actual day. But I did feel a little funny there, though I tried to dress as a woman would think to on such an occasion, rather than take a male approach and go too ****ty.
Last year's Halloween, when I was only occasionally cross-dressing in public, I went dressed as a woman to a straight singles dance. There, I think I passed too well, and dancing with my woman friend, I think the others were worried their party was being crashed by lesbians, though maybe not everyone was fooled. But it was nice to have the door opened for me by a man and my coat held by the guy in the coat room, as I put it on. So, I fooled some people.
I guess time will tell. I used to get clocked when I would dress badly, in public as a CD. I guess, I do not always know when I am dressed badly. There are so many factors. I hope you don't let them grind you down.

[Empress Lainie]

Knowing you, Kara, I agree with some of the others here, how in HELL did he think that. You are a beautiful woman, and I fail to see how anyone would ever think otherwise.