Want to Dress More, What Do I Do?!

[Marissa Mae]

My 4 year relationship has been plagued by the "crossdressing elephant in the room", and as such I have kept it a very tightly controlled secret, so as not to risk societal implosion and loss of reputation for myself and my girlfriend. Only 2 or 3 people know, going out requires a week of planning and subterfuge, all of my clothing is cleverly hidden to avoid detection... But as time has passed, the need to self express and just be myself has greatly increased, and it's to the point now where I feel like it is impacting my relationship. I feel resentment having to cover up my 'secret', hearing the negativity whenever I even mention dressing, knowing that something so harmless as me wearing a skirt and not jeans would affect my life were my friends to find out.

I have reached a point where I want to further explore dressing, but am being held back. Social revelation and acceptance are the toughest barriers to cross, a point of no return; once this genie is out of the bottle, my reputation is forever changed. For the good? For the bad? This uncertainty makes is such a frightening proposition, mainly because I risk alienating and losing my best friend and companion in the selfish process. Is it worth risking that, or is it better to just shut up and stick to the status quo because things are comfortable now and shouldn't be messed with?

It's still only a theory at this point, but I think that the frustration and anger in my life has been caused by this repression. When I feel the need and want to dress, and I am denied, I feel hurt, denigrated, just plain sh****, and the rest of the day is changed for the worst. It's downright unpleasant. I believe that I am at the precipice of the rest of my life right now, and if I don't get it out I am going to explode! If my theory is wrong, I have uselessly exposed a private secret to the world when it needn't have been; if correct, my life changes for the better emotionally, the pent up frustration is released. Do I take this risk based on a theory?

So many thoughts in my head, hard to write them all down. Help!

[meri]

You are only holding yourself back, no one has a gun to your head telling you to shape up or ship out.

Start by telling your GF, if she accepts it then you have a new ally and it help you find additional strength.

It's also possible she will tell you to take a flying leap. While this is not a desirable outcome, the sooner you know this, the better.

In either case, you move forward instead of standing still. This will immediately relieve pressure on you because you know you are doing something about it.

You have to remember that we are responsible for our own lives. Even people in prison can find solace and peace. Right now, you are in a prison of your own making.....

[Marissa Mae]

You are only holding yourself back, no one has a gun to your head telling you to shape up or ship out.

Start by telling your GF, if she accepts it then you have a new ally and it help you find additional strength.

It's also possible she will tell you to take a flying leap. While this is not a desirable outcome, the sooner you know this, the better.

In either case, you move forward instead of standing still. This will immediately relieve pressure on you because you know you are doing something about it.

You have to remember that we are responsible for our own lives. Even people in prison can find solace and peace. Right now, you are in a prison of your own making.....

I feel so trapped right now because she does know, but doesn't want anyone to find out :sad: I just don't want to ram it down her throat and reveal to the world that I wear silky things and shoes with heel height. But I know that I would feel 100 times better if I did tell people... boy would I feel better!

We have discussed it, and she says: "why tell anyone when it won't affect anything?"... basically, why bother if it won't hurt or help my position? For example, if telling my brother about it, will I suddenly have someone that accepts me dressed all of a sudden? No, he probably won't, so I will be in the same position I am now... her logic is good, but why do I feel so constrained?

[MyBlackTights]

boy, I know them feelings too well. I wear utilikilts quite often and even that gets getting used to from me, family, friends, everyone, almost always positive but a "skirt" im sure would be a whole other issue. did you think about starting telling a trusted friend? mabey start there. My Utilikilts dont get rid of my urge to dress, but they sure are fun, look into them, best clothes investment I ever made. Utilikilts.com

[Jannis]

I think you are fortunate that you have told your girlfriend and she has not run screaming away from you. You do realize, of course, that your desire to dress will never go away, and in most cases becomes more strong as you get older. If you feel terrible now about not being able to dress when you wish, it will be many times more difficult to deal with later. I think you need to seek some professional advice or counseling to come to grips with your dilemma and decide what you must do. I believe you will have to face 'coming out' sooner rather than later, as your mental health is at risk and you will isolate yourself from future relationships if you do not. One alternative would be to join a TG or CD group in a nearby city. They meet usually once a month and you can get your fix that way. Good luck.

[abigailf]

[QUOTE=Marissa Mae;1926853]
We have discussed it, and she says: "why tell anyone when it won't affect anything?"... basically, why bother if it won't hurt or help my position? QUOTE]

It sounds to me that it will effect something. It will effect you. "Boy! Will you feel better to let it out."

I am no one to give advice here, but try reaching out to one of the support groups that works with TG's and their SO's.

[tricia_uktv]

So hon, why not agree with her that you won't dress around her, but you need to be given time to go away and dress for yourself. That way it won't affect her. So find a town/city close by where you can do it free from prying eyes.

I don't know how possible that is becsause I don't know your circumstances. But it worked for me :)

[Nicole Erin]

The TG life is not easy. No matter how "out" or "passable" we are, it is never an easy life.

If you are to be ut and all that, a lot of things change in life. You may find yourself having to make new social circles or whatever. Many big decisions would be based on the fact that you want to get out there and be yourself.

being TG is not a "lifestyle", it is a life.

[Marissa Mae]

So hon, why not agree with her that you won't dress around her, but you need to be given time to go away and dress for yourself. That way it won't affect her. So find a town/city close by where you can do it free from prying eyes.

I don't know how possible that is becsause I don't know your circumstances. But it worked for me :)

Well... so far I have been able to go out a night here and there, and she comes sometimes, but even with the infrequent times I go out, I still get the "so it's going to be yet another night just for you?" type of comments. I recently told her that I need more space to go out as Marissa, but she hasn't really said anything in return... time to bring it up again I suppose.


The TG life is not easy. No matter how "out" or "passable" we are, it is never an easy life.

If you are to be ut and all that, a lot of things change in life. You may find yourself having to make new social circles or whatever. Many big decisions would be based on the fact that you want to get out there and be yourself.

being TG is not a "lifestyle", it is a life.

You know, I have a diverse group of friends, gay/lesbian/straight all mixed together... hell, my most "manly" of guy friends live in a house with 3 gay guys, so they definitely aren't blind to societal differences. I would think that they would be the first to be accepting, while my other friends may not be... but, if anyone had issues and wanted to change how our relationship was over this, then it's their choice, take it or leave it, but it is what it is. I hope that I have made friends from good people that can see through superficial garments :)

[Fab Karen]

Hiding can be emotionally draining. it also re-enforces the idea that you're doing something wrong & shameful. It sounds like your girlfriend may have control issues- whether it's "everything must be my way" or "we should do everything together."
Telling good friends is worthwhile, because what is friendship if we can't be ourselves?

[lavistaa62]

The advice to join a local TG group sounds like a good one- for a start. It would allow you dressing time which wouldn't disturb your SO or your friends, meanwhile you could start to develop a new social network. Your SO would likely approve if it improved your outlook. My grandmother was harassed for wearing pants so times change.

[MissySue]

Boy i tottaly understand yer plight .. its never a easy situation to come out to others ... regardless how cool most would seem in the beginning it usually ends up in a way that comes back to haunt ya .. if i had my way in a perfect world id be Missy 24/7 i hate acting like a guy .. i know its hard and i hope you find the peace of mind yer lookin for ... only you can judge yer circumstances not anyone else .. we all have a different aspects goin on in each of our lives..

Best Wishes :hugs: