Bird in a cage

[katieblush]

Hi all,
hope you are well,i come to you with major problems i have searched the net for answers in vain,basically i think i am going insane,in previous posts i have stated about visiting the doctors in the UK to out myself to them,well i did and i told my wife the same day, its not just about the clothes its my very soul that's different,now i am not expecting anyone to understand me here and i am not a drama queen,things are very very hard and its getting worse by the week and i am scared big time.

My heart goes out to anyone with gender issues,god its hard to deal with.The doctors what a nightmare,i happened to see a different female doctor not the one i intended to come out to,big mistake i just broke down and told her,i had a feeling she had never dealt with gender issues before and the cold clinical delivery of her advice echoed what i had suspected,first i had a barrage of questions about my feelings which took me by surprise,i really felt like a lab rat.

The doctor tried every way to stop me getting any decent advice is that normal? she offered me councling i thought great,only to be told oh there not a gender service! so 6 months plus would be wasted educating someone else.

So in the end she gave me a referral,i do not know if its to mental health team or other as i needed to get out of the office,i felt terrible,i let myself get torn to pieces.

I had all the answers before going to the docs i felt strong upbeat, glowing,now talk about deflated,i am back to square one,a total mess.

The "do as we say" attitude conveyed by the NHS seems to me very Victorian very unsympathetic and callas but that's my own view many others may have had a positive time.

A little background,i am 40 and would have a hard job passing,outer day clothes i dress unisex wear a little makeup,i would like to stay this way as i feel some what better able to cope to some extent,because this way i get to keep my family,its a agreement my wife and i have to accept this.

This year has been hard, all the years of suppressing my true self all the barriers i put up have been breached basically in one week,they just melted away i feel sort of naked if that makes any sense.

Hormones i really feel the need to go down this route,the feelings are so strong it hurts,i cannot explain the pain,its there everyday and night,its sort of like waiting to have your life support turned off or make a full recovery sort of feeling.

Now a long time ago i started to dress more fem only to be beat up made fun of and targeted it was hell,this is the first time i have spoke of this,i know what i want and need to do hormones will have a drastic affect on life for me i understand this,as yet i do not wish to fully become a female yet due to external pressure but after hormones i may change my mind if i ever get that far,so can i dress unisex or do the NHS require me to satisfy there stereotyping of how i should dress.

Drinking,smoking,i have quit them all, lost weight ,still on a diet that's hell to keep to but i have a goal to reach,but the goal seems like a mirage in the desert at the moment,what to do? i have run out of ideas i wish to become female in my own time but i feel pressured into giving a answer to the NHS and having to act in a way contrary to how i know i can cope with transition,do i have a hope in hell doing things my way or will i have to quit,its so confusing i know who i am but all around me people will not give me the chance i have desired all of my life.

I feel trapped in a world that seems alien to me,friends i have turned away from,family also have been dropped because i know there views on anyone different so apart from my wife and children there is no one to talk to,if i get messed around anymore i am pretty sure i will have a total breakdown,i can feel it.Well if you got this far thanks for reading sorry its so long.. xbyex

[morgan pure]

xbyex,

Wow. Are you a little stressed? Go the NHS way. You don't have to dress all the time-just for when you interract wuth them. That's no big deal and may be fun to do once in a while to see if you can handel it. If they will pay for a therapist take it.

You need someone to talk to. You can be any sex you want to, and in between if that's you. Welcome. I often wonder whether or not I'm just in a long psychotic episode, a decades long one. Hormones help.

Morgan

[katieblush]

Morgan hi,thank you for your reply i understand your point of view,i just wish there could be a better support base for anyone who needs to go through the NHS,to me it seems a very complicated and a unwelcome situation not much compassion out there.

"I often wonder whether or not I'm just in a long psychotic episode" morgan. Well this had crossed my mind also,but for 33 years i have felt different from male society,i am trying to balance home life and my female life,and there is a conflict going on. *bye* Katie :hugs:

[Hope]

You said the physician you spoke with has no experience with gender issues, but referred you to a therapist. While perhaps she could have had better bed-side manner, that sounds to me like acceptable if not ideal care. If she has no experience she may not be in the best situation to provide you with guidance. I imagine that coming out to your wife and your doctor on the same day might have been a bit overwhelming for you, and that may have colored your interaction with your physician.

You say you feel like you are going crazy, you sound stressed out and anxious ( I don't think any one here would blame you). Go see the therapist you were referred to - the therapist does not need to be a gender therapist to help you address some of the anxiety / identity issues. While you are there - get a referral to a therapist who specializes in gender therapy. Just because the physician you spoke with doesn't know of a therapist who deals with gender issues, does not mean that there is no therapist who deals with gender issues... and a therapist is more likely to know his colleagues who deal with various issues than a physician.

Here is a last thing. Take a deep breath. This is a huge issue. Take it on your own terms and at your own pace. The doctors will slow you down if you are going too fast. That is for your benefit. If you feel like the doctors are pushing you - communicate that with them. The doctors are there to help you. They are human beings. Not some sort of cyborg race you have to trick or hack in order to get what you need from them. You need to be in control of, or at the very least in partnership with the doctors about, your health care decisions.

[katieblush]

Thank you Hope,

Well the voice of reason has spoken,you seem to have hit upon my wavelength.Yes i am in a dam rush,and i need to slow down,your words hit home about the therapist,i think its time to see the doctor again and arrange a meeting for therapy of some kind,i do not wish to seem ungrateful for the chance of help from the NHS i know some things are set in place as protection for you.The road i have traveled has been long i feel tired,the wish to be perfect before i have even started on this leg of the journey seems so overbearing,viewing myself in a dress i see the male in the mirror and that hurts,and that's why i have been in a rush to jump the que,as i stated before some time back i encountered violence due to trying to be me,that time has shattered my self confidence,that's why i keep my best clothes for home and wear quite fem clothes out but there passable,i do use make up and clear varnish.You know i am fed up with having to be this way due to the life i have created ,but ultimately i did it so now i have to pay for the errors in my youth,i suppose i should quit crying and feeling sorry for myself but dam its hard,i know many others have gone through hell or are still there so i do not want to present a picture of me me me if you understand i do care for others as well. *bye* :hugs:

[morgan51]

easy there Katie It well be ok we all have days of doubt and frustration just try to work on one thing at a time and relax we aren't guilty we just are. just knowing I'm not alone in this is a huge relief.. Hugs

[katieblush]

Hiya morgan51,

Thanks for the kind words,i hope things are well for you.
If i had not been able to get some release by putting a post on this site then things could have gotten out of hand,the help i have revived and the compassion mean the world to me,i asked for help once again and revived plenty.Going to see the doctor next Wednesday to sort out therapy,i hope one day to be able to help some one in a position such as this.

morgan51 :hugs: Katie xx