i am a cd, transgendered or ts?

[emmicd]

i thought i was a crossdresser because i have an internal need to wear women's clothing. i am wearing dresses and body briefers underneath my male clothing every day now and there is never a day that goes by where i am not wearing something feminine. i have been wearing womens panties regularly since i was 14 years old and i started crossdressing when i was 4 to 5 years old and have been doing so ever since. i have purged many times only to come back to crossdressing with more desire and need to. i am a family man and i love my wife and son who mean everything to me. they are my life.

the one thing i seem to struggle with though as i near midlife (50) is my desire to start on female hormones and wish to have breasts. i love wearing bras, panties, body briefers, women's swimsuits and dresses and i would love to have breasts to fill my bras and make me feel truly feminine. i also wish i could have the full sex reassignment surgery and have done a lot of internet surfing inquiring about sex change clinics in Thailand, Iran and Trinidad Colorado. I even learned about Dr. Marci Bowers who had successful surgery with the late TS pioneer surgeon Dr. Stanley Biber and eventually took over his TS practice. I am afraid I am more transexual than I thought and so wish to be female but it would be so so complicated and i have a young son. i am so confused and wish to not be selfish as i need to save money for my son's college education. i just wish my transsexual feelings would go away but as i am nearing 50 they are intensifying. i am so confused and i cry myself to sleep in a pretty dress wishing i was a woman! life is so difficult sometimes. i feel if i can not live my life as a woman then in my will i will request to be burried in one of my pretty dresses and dressed with all female undergarments. if i can not be a woman in life than at least i can be one when i am laid to rest. i know this is not the image i wish to portray but this is very difficult being transgendered.

emmi

[kellycan27]

i thought i was a crossdresser because i have an internal need to wear women's clothing. i am wearing dresses and body briefers underneath my male clothing every day now and there is never a day that goes by where i am not wearing something feminine. i have been wearing womens panties regularly since i was 14 years old and i started crossdressing when i was 4 to 5 years old and have been doing so ever since. i have purged many times only to come back to crossdressing with more desire and need to. i am a family man and i love my wife and son who mean everything to me. they are my life.

the one thing i seem to struggle with though as i near midlife (50) is my desire to start on female hormones and wish to have breasts. i love wearing bras, panties, body briefers, women's swimsuits and dresses and i would love to have breasts to fill my bras and make me feel truly feminine. i also wish i could have the full sex reassignment surgery and have done a lot of internet surfing inquiring about sex change clinics in Thailand, Iran and Trinidad Colorado. I even learned about Dr. Marci Bowers who had successful surgery with the late TS pioneer surgeon Dr. Stanley Biber and eventually took over his TS practice. I am afraid I am more transexual than I thought and so wish to be female but it would be so so complicated and i have a young son. i am so confused and wish to not be selfish as i need to save money for my son's college education. i just wish my transsexual feelings would go away but as i am nearing 50 they are intensifying. i am so confused and i cry myself to sleep in a pretty dress wishing i was a woman! life is so difficult sometimes. i feel if i can not live my life as a woman then in my will i will request to be burried in one of my pretty dresses and dressed with all female undergarments. if i can not be a woman in life than at least i can be one when i am laid to rest. i know this is not the image i wish to portray but this is very difficult being transgendered.

emmi

I am not in your circumstance, but I do know how strong the desire is. It can all consuming at times. best of luck to you and yours.
Kelly

[Sammy777]

i thought i was a crossdresser because i have an internal need to wear women's clothing.

i love wearing bras, panties, body briefers, women's swimsuits and dresses

the one thing i seem to struggle with though as i near midlife (50) is my desire to start on female hormones and wish to have breasts. i would love to have breasts to fill my bras and make me feel truly feminine.

i also wish i could have the full sex reassignment surgery and have done a lot of internet surfing inquiring about sex change clinics

I am afraid I am more transexual than I thought and so wish to be female

You should really seek out the help of a therapist to sort out what you're feeling.

Then after that sit down with your SO and have a talk.

What strikes me is the conflicting statements.
For me and other TS girls I have talked with being TS is more about being a girl [the real girl inside] and less about the clothes.
It's more like I [me personally] wear girls clothes because that's what girls do and not so much the clothes that make me feel like a girl.

I think and feel like a girl everyday, no matter what I may or may not be wearing.

It is something to think about, because hormones are not something you want to be dabbling in and deciding later if they are really what you want, you better know you want them beforehand.

I hope everything works out for you with what ever happens.

[Byanca]

I think if you are paralyzed, you need to try to get moving again.

[katieblush]

i thought i was a crossdresser because i have an internal need to wear women's clothing. i am wearing dresses and body briefers underneath my male clothing every day now and there is never a day that goes by where i am not wearing something feminine. i have been wearing womens panties regularly since i was 14 years old and i started crossdressing when i was 4 to 5 years old and have been doing so ever since. i have purged many times only to come back to crossdressing with more desire and need to. i am a family man and i love my wife and son who mean everything to me. they are my life.

the one thing i seem to struggle with though as i near midlife (50) is my desire to start on female hormones and wish to have breasts. i love wearing bras, panties, body briefers, women's swimsuits and dresses and i would love to have breasts to fill my bras and make me feel truly feminine. i also wish i could have the full sex reassignment surgery and have done a lot of internet surfing inquiring about sex change clinics in Thailand, Iran and Trinidad Colorado. I even learned about Dr. Marci Bowers who had successful surgery with the late TS pioneer surgeon Dr. Stanley Biber and eventually took over his TS practice. I am afraid I am more transexual than I thought and so wish to be female but it would be so so complicated and i have a young son. i am so confused and wish to not be selfish as i need to save money for my son's college education. i just wish my transsexual feelings would go away but as i am nearing 50 they are intensifying. i am so confused and i cry myself to sleep in a pretty dress wishing i was a woman! life is so difficult sometimes. i feel if i can not live my life as a woman then in my will i will request to be burried in one of my pretty dresses and dressed with all female undergarments. if i can not be a woman in life than at least i can be one when i am laid to rest. i know this is not the image i wish to portray but this is very difficult being transgendered.

emmi


emmicd hiya,hope you are well,i can understand how you feel its a horrible limbo to be caught in,you know what you want and to get there you may have to loose all you love,personally i feel very similar to your self description.
I wish i could give you the answer you seek.

The last few weeks have been rather strange for me i have come out to all who are close to me,they seemed rather shell shocked but ok for now with it,except my wife who knows about my cding but the wanting to go further and become more female in my appearance has been hurting her,and well i feel like a real idiot for hiding away all these years not being true to others or myself,so in trying to be who i am? i have managed to give my pain to all the other people in my family.

Time after time i read stories of wives who feel deceived by there husbands,who have there whole lives torn from beneath them and having to start again from a failed marriage because of TG issues,and now i face the prospect of falling into the same trap,or not.

The longing to be female hurts so bad,it seems like hell on earth,how much torment can we go through,unless i win the lottery then the future for me seems one of having to suppress yet again the life style i wish to have.

I feel for you and i hope you have some luck finding a balance in you life.

:hugs: *bye*

[Stephenie S]

Your post would require months for a trained gender therapist to respond to. You won't get much more than understanding sympathy here. At least you can know that your story is familiar to many on this forum. Many have been exactly where you are now.

The only really helpful thing for you to do would be to seek out compentant gender therapy.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Emmi...i and i'm sure all the other folks here can definitely relate to your suffering..

don't let anyone else tell you what is right for you...the question you are asking is very natural...you've become more and more entrenched as a male in the world, and this has become more and more suffocating to you...

this is a familiar story for many of us, and whatever the real reason is (will we ever know?), you need to deal with or continue to suffer...

unfortunately in my experience, the feelings you are having will never go away unless you pursue them, and there is no reverse gear

luckily you have the benefit of the internet and tons of information out there that was not available when we were younger (we're a similar age)...

take care of yourself!! :hugs:

[LisaM]

Emmi,

I feel and understand your suffering. Like so many have already said---there are no easy answers only difficult choices.

I do feel that an initial step would be to findy yourself a therapist who understands trans issues and begin therapy. I find that it helps and I understand what you are going through.

[Aska]

I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. I am in a similar situation but not quite the same. I do not feel that I want to truely be a woman but that I should have been born tuely androgynous. This makes me feel ever more that to be what I feel inside I would like to transform myself into what I feel I should be. I am with alot of the rest of the women here and feel that gender therapy is the best thing when you have feelings and a longing for something like this. I am currently looking into this subject for myself, and wish you luck with the desisions you have to make.

[Donnadcd]

Sounds like you and I are living identical lives. I'd give anything to transition at this point. Very torn at this point in my life. Not sure how its going to turn out. I can sympathize with everything you are feeling. You are definitely not alone.

[Joanna-Louise]

While I cant really add anymore advice to what has already been posted, I was in the exact same boat last year. WHile I'm now 29 years old I still feel exactly the same.

I first went to my doctor then things started to roll along (slowley). I saw a therapist a couple of times but due to my old job (I was on the vrege of being promoted to a bus garage duty manager) my boss felt sex change would be wrong at that point.

I did however take his advice and although I didn't purge Joanna was hidden away along with all the feelings... My Guess was maybe I was a cd if I could hide her so quickly for a promotion (something Ive aimed high for a long time within the company.)

After getting sacked in June and finally getting the job I have now which provides lots of thinking time, I realised I made the wrong choice. Like yourself and so many others being fully Joanna was a dream and a dream that is reachable if we really want it. I myself plan to go back to my gp and hopefully start the ball rolling, yes it means re-chatting to my SO and see where I stand, but with support from the pro's friends and ppl here whatever the outcome the result will be the drive to what you want to achieve.

But to be honest I think deep down you know who you truely are as we all do, its just admitting that were "only a cd, TS" thats the hardest part to start with..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sometimes trying things as Joanna did is the best way to really find out...there are all kinds of fears, emotions and issues relating to being transsexual and they can get in the way of your own internal thoughts...

[Dawn D.]

Emmi,

As Joanna said:


But to be honest I think deep down you know who you truely are as we all do, its just admitting that were "only a cd, TS" thats the hardest part to start with.

I remember when I was at the same place you are now. It's a very confusing time and place to be right now. Give yourself more time, talk with your wife (presuming she already knows about you). And, I highly recommend that before you make any kind of decision between the two of you, that you seek out a therapist and preferably one that will see you both together and separately.

If you find that you are TS, the position you're in now is not the end of the world and doesn't necessarily mean that you cannot transition in due course. I had nearly the exact same scenario as what you described. The place where you are at now, I was at four years ago. My wife and I are still together, I am still running my business and life has continued to play out. The world did not end! It can work. I've been in RLE for more than six month's now. I feel better about myself now than at any point in my life, previous.

Unfortunately sometimes there are huge prices to be paid when we make the decision to be ourselves and, I feel very fortunate that I was not one that suffered as I know some here have. It's not to say that I haven't had any sacrifices; I definitely have had some. Just read my journal and you'll see. But, would I have made a different decision if I had to do it again? NO!

Just remember, start with a good therapist, hun. It's the best way to begin. and, also remember this, we are all here for you too!


Dawn

[Jessinthesprings]

At first your post made you sound like you are a crossdresser with the need to dress rather to be a woman. then as you progessed you sounded more trasexual. I am inclined to think that you are a crossdresser, but the time frame and the desire for srs makes me wonder.

I think you need to talk to your wife before you do anything. the road to trasition is a long and hard one and many SOs can;t deal with it. If to transition and be a woman has to great of a price to pay you may want to forego it.

[emmicd]

I thank all of you for all your wonderful and sincere comments. I am going through such emotional feelings and realize deep down I always wanted to be a girl since I was 5 years old but could not express it to others or really understand it. All I knew was that I had a real need to dress like a girl from an early age. As I got older I tried to convince myself that I was a crossdresser so I would spare myself and my family the pain of contemplating transitioning. I do however feel that if transsexualism was more accepted I would have become a woman in my early 20s. As I get older it is much more difficult. The thing looming in my mind however is the 50 year mark. I am also going through inner turmoil as my father committed suicide in April 2009 in a most horrific way by jumping in front of a train. He was killed instantly. I am also trying to help my son as he suffers from autism and he is uppermost in my mind. The dream is I would wish to do the full transition to womanhood and would love doing the 2 year test wearing womens clothes every day because I want to dress as a woman every day but I can't. So the way I deal with it is by wearing dresses and lingerie underneath my suits. I feel at least I can still dress but I am masked. I can not reveal my feminine side which I feel is a real shame. The reality is I have a wife and son who I love very much and I live for them. I have been blessed as a male with having been given the precious gift of having intimacy with a woman and the joy of pregnancy with my wife and joy of birth with my son. I would not trade that for anything. So for me being my son's father is most important and I will live by this. I am not selfish but I do believe that if I transitioned I would cause too much pain for others so I can live with the pain myself but would not want to inflict that pain on others. So my reality is I will crossdress till I die but will supress my feelings of wanting to live as a woman because my son is most important. I am also a writer as I have a blog where I write about my son and autism and I touch upon my dad's suicide and my situation. If any one is interested in reading it let me know and I will provide you the link.
I do think about transitioning quite often and I adore women's fashion and would love to wear dresses freely in public with really feminine shoes and a feminine hairstyle. It's my desire but the thing that prevents me from doing this is the love I have for my autistic son and my wife. I am however proud to admit I am very much a woman internally and proud to say I am feminine and happy to be so. Thank you to all of you sisters. You are my friends each and every one of you!

Love,

emmi

[noeleena]

Hi..Emmi..

I know i was / am a woman . that goes back 52 years . well a girl then . now im 62 . You know well i did . yet i did not dress as a female as we talk about here like some do . i did not see my self as transsexual at all i saw my self as a person . first . then a mix of both male & female for me i saw no difference dumb..a...
yet i accepted who i was / am . yet when i was 50 . I just told Jos i was a woman .....oh thats ,,,,,,what did you say ......a woman ......hell started then & there .
8 years of . now its over 11
.
We are still to gether ..just as two women liveing in our own home . we had our marriage anuuld over two years ago . kids . 30. 34 .35 ... Kaylyn accepts & nathan is finding it very hard to accept . cliff does just still finds it hard . jos has accepted . our 7 grand kids dont give a toss. & im accepted as a woman . by most people . & because i am a woman i m able to be in many groups. manly womens .

& yes i could have lost Jos & our kids . i was prepared for that . so for me it had nothing at all to do with dressing . i did of cause after i told Jos as i knew then i would live the rest of my life as a woman . & i know some would say oh ,,,,,a mid life crisis... sorry . not so .
i know im a andro . so i was not changing my mind . because being a woman in my thinking & allso male thinking . it s not been a problem .

Only you can or will know from the deepest part of you what you are . dont let any one persade you & tell you what they think you are . you will know ......
I would susjest you talk it over with your s o . first . then both of you with your son . then your endo or pych & Dr .
Before i went on h r t. i had been in female mode for over 3 years . so there was no problems going on h r t . been on h r t for over 5 years .& having my s r s & b a . all with in 3 years . as far as they were concerned . it was i m a woman so lets get on with it .
I wish you all the best . as i know how b ........... y hard it is & can be .. i had to be true to my self .

...noeleena....

[Empress Lainie]

Hi em

I can completely sympathize with the situation you find yourself in, even though my own experience is quite different.

You are one who has to make the final decisions based on your own insight to who you really are. Living one way to please others in the long run just won't work as others have also said.

It seems that for transexuals the drive cannot be permanently stalled, as years go by, it gets so strong there is no way to continue trying to fight it.

Not a day goes by that I feel such gratitude to the person who led me to know who I really was so I could quit pretending to be a male person.

Every single day many times I am thankful that I am now living as the woman I am. Regrets? YES that it didn't happen sooner.

I didn't have the complications of a marriage or relationship
at the time. I did get fired simply for stating I was transgendered and using my female name. There is a federal EEOC suit in my name,as it was discrimination and also against the policy of the city that fired me.

So two plus years later I am working as a woman on my first permanent job and after two temporary federal census jobs as a woman.

[AlisonRenee]

I think it's kind of a terrifying question - or it can be, anyway.

I've known since I was four that something just doesn't fit, displayed many of the personality traits as a child that suggest I'm likely TS. Done a lot of reading and learned quite a bit. Among the possibilities: my mother took DES when pregnant with me. Some research indicates that the synthetic estrogen immersion from DES during fetal development may have had an effect on gender ID development. Maybe that was part of it: maybe not, and it doesn't matter. I know that plenty of you ladies have been there.

And, like most I'm sure, I've spent most of a lifetime denying it all, marrying, raising kids, divorcing, etc - mostly suppressing.

There was a "trigger event" about 15 yrs ago that brought me to re-examine my sexuality... a good GG friend divulged that she was lesbian, which I had sort of suspected anyway. Why that brought my own gender-ID questions back to the front of my mind, I'm not sure, but that's how it happened, and it's been a runaway train ever since.

Knowing what I know (or suspect) now, I took the wrong path a long time ago. If I had known then, it might have been best for me to transition fully in my late teens/early 20s. I often think of what life would be like if I could transition, and the thoughts are mostly pleasant.

Unpleasant? The impact on my grown kids. I know neither of them could handle it. I raised them on my own so those aren't relationships I could easily give up. Also unpleasant, the experiences that so many of you have had of job upheaval and more.

Sometimes I fantasize that I could wake up tomorrow with the ability to embrace the change, new city, new state, knowing no one... start from scratch and just go for it without having to face the unpleasant realities. In my heart I feel that - in my head, I know better.

Maybe for some of us, hard cold reality is that the cost of realizing our true selves is higher than we can afford.

[Empress Lainie]

Allison, there is one thing about your kids and other people.
You can NEVER tell who will accept you and who won't.

My kids at ages 50 & 46 are totally accepting of me, although my daughter told my son (he said) that she thought "it was just a phase I was going through." I think she now realizes that this is for real and is permanent. She even finally started talking to me about clothes and fashion and giving me her advice on what to wear to job interviews.

My ex who was a social worker and well familiar with transpeople refused to ever see me again. And I know she loved me, we were lovers after we separated for 5 years. It was 2 yrs later I transitioned. She said she saw it coming, but couldn't go out with me, (even if I dressed male - she said I would just be pretending - and she was right!)

[Monica_Cobblestone]

I too am going through the same thing and I'm trying to figure out the steps to take to get the answers I need and get the help I need to live the life I deserve. What confuses me the most about this is I've always wanted to be a female. I remember wanting to be girl so bad as a little kid, but as I got older, I just thought I was a gay male and acted accordingly. I did the CD'ing thing while living at home with my parents, but once I graduated hs and moved out the feelings to transition came back and as a strong urge. Several things have kept me back, but I'm trying to seek help :). Best of luck to you sister and your not alone.

[sherri52]

You are in a tough position. To stay as you are you will be eaten up alive from the inside. If you transition you could lose your wife and child as a result. If you become a woman How do you tell your son? You should seek some type of assistance, Phsycologist, or family advisor to help you on your road to becoming you. Good luck in your quest.

[mylieanna]

well your story sounds alot like mine except im not married, i do have a child, and im 24. all my feelings are there, but the fear of loved ones knowing and it blowing up in my face are a huge stress factor for me that i dont think i could handle, but the stress of not being female is also stressfull for me. like you said if only you could go far away and start from scratch, yes i wish i could do that too.

[morgan pure]

I really want to be buried in a dress.

[Byanca]

For me and other TS girls I have talked with being TS is more about being a girl [the real girl inside] and less about the clothes.
It's more like I [me personally] wear girls clothes because that's what girls do and not so much the clothes that make me feel like a girl.

I think and feel like a girl everyday, no matter what I may or may not be wearing.

This is very interesting.

But is not that what a CD does, mentally exchange the skin with clothes. If a real skin had been there, you would not have to induce this schizophrenic tendency.

And is not also this about growing into a woman, like you have done.

CDers are more like teenage girls? They also often have the similar identity problems, fluctuating both here and there-insecurity. Only CDers never progress from this stage?

Like someone else said. The difference between a CD and TS is 5 years?