Question about telling loved ones

[Barbara918]

I hear from so many CDs who haven't told yet ... one recently told me she'd tell when the time is right. Makes me wonder ... when exactly would that be?

[sandra-leigh]

I hear from so many CDs who haven't told yet ... one recently told me she'd tell when the time is right. Makes me wonder ... when exactly would that be?

When neither partner has had a "bad day" at work; the kids have been good (or have moved away); there is no domestic drama consuming emotional energy (e.g., the parents and in-laws are not in the middle of a divorce nor in jail); when a loved one is not seriously sick or dying, when the partner isn't nagging about house-work or repairs not done to their satisfaction (and sometimes their satisfaction level is not reasonable); when the partner is not going through a mid-life crisis of their own; when the partners are not worried sick about their jobs or about losing the house; when the partner appears to be in a frame of mind to listen instead of jumping to conclusions; when it doesn't feel like practically everything you try to talk seriously about to your partner leads to an argument or a put-down....


Myself, I went through phases. When I started dressing 5 years ago, I felt strongly that it wasn't any of my partner's business: the situation at the time was such that I was feeling locked out of large chunks of my partner's life, so having a part of my life that was just for me seemed not only reasonable but necessary. When that softened in me, I moved into a phase where I would have felt... ashamed, I guess... certainly unprepared to assert that "this is a part of who I am". Then I moved into a phase where I wasn't feeling ashamed of my cross-dressing, but I was feeling afraid that my relationship would be destroyed if my partner found out. But in the meantime, I was gradually getting sicker and sicker about hiding it and lying / creatively-misdirecting about my time and activities (e.g., how to explain why you weren't home because you went to a CD-ing meeting)... until eventually the need to tell became very strong, and I was rapidly getting to the point where I was prepared to risk our relationship by spilling the beans (hoping, of course, that the relationship survived.) But just at that time, my wife's father started feeling sick and she was travelling back and forth to help him with his appointments... and he was diagnosed with incurable cancer. So there I was with a strong internal need to tell, but the time wasn't right: how do you toss that kind of monkey-wrench into the life of someone trying to deal with their father just having been given 4-6 months to live?? So the best I could do internally was to resolve that I would be honest with her if she asked... which is what happened; she did ask about some of my stash one Sunday morning, the day before she was due to fly back to care for her father. Of course I had that instinctual moment to Deny Deny... but I approached it with humour and honesty.

You can see in my experience how there can be a bunch of different and evolving reasons why the time might not be "right". Not right for me, not right for my partner... One has to have a very strong internal need to tell, or have a lot of trust in the strength of the relationship -- or have gotten to the point where the relationship is weak enough that one's internal need to cross-dress and openly spend time cross-dressing is stronger than one's feeling that maintaining the relationship is important.


Ah yes, I forgot a category of "the time is right": sometimes, in some relationships, the "right" time involves waiting for the partner to do something wrong, such as proof of a well-suspected affair... at which point, the partners enter a mutual-blackmail phase, along the lines of "Oh, by the way, I'm a cross-dresser, and I am going to go about my cross-dressing whether you like it or not, and if you say a peep about it, then your boss's wife is going to get a copy of these photos!" :sad:

[Karren H]

Before you say "I Do" is the right time... But not always the best time..

[Lorileah]

The right time was probably yesterday.

I once told someone I was too old to do something (can't remember what) and they said and how old will you be tomorrow? So no time like the present. For everyone who fears the worst the right time might be Dec 20th 2012, what can they do to you in one day?

[Barbara918]

Before you say "I Do" is the right time... But not always the best time..

I agree; that's when I did it. I should point out that the person to whom I referred in the original post told me she's been married 20 years. I think the right time is long gone.

[Nigella]

To be blunt, if you have to ask others, NEVER

Only you will be able to tell when the time is right, and even then you may find it was totally the wrong time to do it.

[AmberLynn]

I have said this is several post "im asumming you mean a s/o/wife.

you need to be sure yourself of what it is you are,cd,trans and so on. once you know that,than it's time to tell.

you have to be open and honest :hugs: honesty is the best policy and not telling is the same as lieing i think. but that's just one person's opion

[Kaz]

I agree; that's when I did it. I should point out that the person to whom I referred in the original post told me she's been married 20 years. I think the right time is long gone.

Yeah, I think that's about right. When I said "I do" I didn't know, now "I do" know - it's too late - so I guess I'm f****d! :eek:


To be blunt, if you have to ask others, NEVER

Only you will be able to tell when the time is right, and even then you may find it was totally the wrong time to do it.

Totally agree... in Kaz world it is known and it is "accepted" in concept if not yet approved nor allowed to be visible... getting the next bit right is the tricky bit as I do so not want this relationship to bomb on such a silly point (too much mileage and respect)... but we haven't had the conversation yet... we will, but nobody can tell me when - when it is right, it will be right...

:love:

[sissystephanie]

Before you say "I Do" is the right time... But not always the best time..

Karren,

As usual you are right, partially! Telling before you say "I Do" is always the right time, but it also is the best time! Telling any time after that means that you and your wife have been living a lie! Not a very good idea!

If she does not accept it at the very beginning, it is most likely that she will never accept it to the extent that you would want or expect.

My late wife knew and accepted me before we married. But we jointly decided not to tell our children, and I never dressed around them. this year, because of my advanced age and health conditions, I decided to tell my daughter. Then my granddaughter saw me in a supermarket dressed. She told her brother and her Mom. So I decided to tell the whole family, and they are all cool with it. They just don't want to see me dressed, something I hope to change!

I think one will know when the time is right by how they feel about their self. If you have a lot of self confidence while wearing feminine clothing than tell all!!! If you don't have that self confidence than keep quiet!

[sherri52]

For each of us the time is different. You have to feel out your SO for when you think you have a better chance of having a good conversation and the hope that she will understand.

[trannie T]

Yesterday would have been a good time, the day before even better. Right now would be acceptable, do not wait until tomorrow.

[jody111]

To be blunt, if you have to ask others, NEVER

Only you will be able to tell when the time is right, and even then you may find it was totally the wrong time to do it.

This is the best advice I have read on the boards. Thank you, Nigella! I worry about all the suggestions to tell someone NOW and YESTERDAY. I believe people mean well. Though if you tell the wrong person and they tell others who you would not choose to tell, you could find yourself in deep trouble.

I am trying to talk myself into going to the local Tri-Ess meeting. If there is any safe group to share this with, it is them, don't you think?

[Secret Sis]

... getting the next bit right is the tricky bit as I do so not want this relationship to bomb on such a silly point (too much mileage and respect)... but we haven't had the conversation yet... we will, but nobody can tell me when - when it is right, it will be right...

:iagree:

[Sarah_GG]

Before you say "I Do" is the right time... But not always the best time..


The right time was probably yesterday.


Sooner rather than later.

There is never a perfect time to tell someone something difficult. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be told.

[Cheryl T]

My "right time" came about 6 years ago when I just couldn't take hiding any more.
I knew we had to talk about it and presented it as "we have a problem". We had to work through this or decide it was too much to deal with, in which case I was prepared for whatever might happen.
At that point I just had to be able to express this part of me that had been hidden for so many years.
For us it had a happy ending...not so for some.