Crossdressing organizations: worth it or not?

[Marla GG]

I was wondering how many of the members here belong to an organization such as Tri-Ess, and what benefits you feel you get from your membership.

Angel and I have been thinking about joining one of our two local gender groups. We have a Tri-Ess chapter in our city, and also another organization called the SGA (Sacramento Gender Association) that appears to be more liberal in its membership guidelines, meaning it is open to transsexual and gay T-folk as well.

While I am really grateful for all that Tri-Ess does and the events they sponsor, I am not sure if we'd fit in with that group? They seem kind of....conservative in their philosophy. I don't know exactly why I think this; it's just an impression I have.

Does anyone have knowledge or experience of belonging to a social support group like this, and would you recommend it? The idea of getting together with other T-Girls and their SOs appeals to us, but it's new territory so your feedback would be very helpful.

Thanks!

[emmicd]

Hi Marla and Angel!

Thanks for your kind words and support!

I was curious too about signing up for Tri Ess and still am considering joining a local chapter. There is a lifetime membership fee of I believe $550. I'm not sure if that is for both the crossdresser and his wife though. I believe there are many good things about TriEss like there are many good things about exploring the subject of crossdressing on this website.

I think if you haven't tried already you and angel should write a brief essay about his crossdressing and your personal feelings about it and e-mail it to Tri Ess.

They have provided me a wealth of information and are very supportive and non critical. They also have a good net work designed specifically for the wives and they are private. They allow the wives to openly discuss their feeling about their husbands crossdressing. It seems we mtf crossdressers can be a little selfish by our nature and what we hope to expect from our wives.

The organization is a very reputable one and is certainly worth your consideration and further exploration.

Don't forget Marla, You are very kind and understanding to crossdressers because you have firsthand experience. You also need to talk to other wives and form friendships to because you need support also.

They even have support for children of crossdressers.

I wish for you to let me know what you decide to do and I will let you know as well since I will probabaly join sometime after the summer. I hope my wife will join too for the support that is available for the wives.

Emmi

[Julie]

I was a Tri-Ess member in the early 90's. The Chicago chapter (Chi-Chapter) was pretty conservative then but more political. That was the first time I had ever met anyone like me and at the entry level I was at, it was great. As time went on I got tired of sitting in a motel conference room with bright fluorescent lights blinding us while listening to election campaigns, what the finances of the chapter were or other mundane things that to me had nothing to do with what I was looking for. I'm not a meeting type person.

After a few meetings I found some of the girls went to a lesbian bar when the meeting was over and I anxiously joined them. I think I did this maybe two or three times before I left the group. The kids were getting older and I needed to be sensitive to that.

In our area we have the Island Girls which is a very socially oriented group and of which I am a member, but again, I'm not all that great at making meetings. I just can't get into it. I'm shy by nature and maybe that prevents me from staying and trying to socialize when I know I can go to other places and feel right at home. I feel bad but I just don't feel like I belong.

I recently joined Chicago Area Crossdressers and was instrumental in getting the group's originators to establish a regular social night out once a month. We start the evening by meeting at a TG friendly restuarant then take a walk to one of the many TG friendly bars in Boystown. I have to admit, the dinner part of the night is the best. Sitting at dinner and having good conversation while enjoying a tasty meal is so much better than having to talk above loud music in a dimly lit club.

But mostly for me, I don't do well with regimentation. Being able to to pick and choose what I want to do without having to get the approval of a group suits me the best. When I go out I am almost always the only TG in the club or bar I'm at but it's so natural to me I never give it a second thought. And I have made a lot of friends by just being me.

0.02

[Jenny Beth]

I had joined a newly formed group in Vancouver in the 90's that had about a dozen members. Aside from my wife there were only two other SO's and they rarely attended meetings. I echo a lot of what Julie said about brightly lit motel rooms and formal meetings. At the time they were writing up a consitiution about policy and who could or couldn't join and to be honest I lost interest real fast. However there were social functions and dinners out were arranged at nice restaurants, we enjoyed that very much. One thing I did notice was that there were some members who seemed to need help dealing with this side of themselves and joined thinking they'd find help in that regard when the focus of the group was merely more of a social club. My wife being the only GG on more than one occasion ended up being the shoulder to cry on so to speak from a couple of members who's wives either hated this about them or didn't know. Over time we attended meetings less and less and eventually ventured out on our own. I have to say though that had it not been for the group I might never have gained the courage to step out on my own. I think a group can be a great place to meet other couples. If you are thinking of joining one I'd say contact them and ask a few questions. If you join and find out it's not your cup of tea no one says you have to stay. Good luck.

[kymmieLorain]

I also have thought about triess. There is a girl here in town who wants me to join. I just don't know. there is a chapter in Denver. Most of the girls are out while I am still in the house.

Kymmie

[uknowhoo]

Thanks, Marla for starting this thread. It's a topic of some interest to me as well. There's a Tri-Ess which meets about a 75 min drive from here. I haven't yet made the effort, tho I've considered it more seriously of late. I would think there's not much to lose. I'd say go ahead and check it out and see how well it may work for you two. I'll probably do the same one of these months. Good luck. Hugs, Tammi

[Jen_TGCD]

Why not join them both!!! No reason to pick just one.

Tri-Ess and "open" groups both have their advantages and disadvantages but it wouldn't hurt to meet as many TGs and SOs as you can. The socializing is really what it's all about... getting out and talking to and being with like-minded folk is enlightening and wonderfully empowering... for both of you!!!

The "open" groups probably are more intimate... in that there is more interaction with the members and less "organized" and formal than Tri-Ess. The other advantage to "open" groups is that you will have a chance to meet the entire TG spectrum... which is fascinating!

The "meetings" can be interesting... or not! I personally liked being kept up on the political issues... but the makeup demos were a lot of fun, too! (Mary Kay reps are cool!) I loved listening to members talk about their lives and personal challenges... as well as witnessing their growth.

There are a lot of good people that participate in these groups and it's time to meet them ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! :thumbsup:

[JenniferPaul]

I was a member of Cornbury in Vancouver, is that the group your are talking about Jenny Beth, and through it I meet a many Crossdressers and others. I went to espriit which they co sponsor with two other groups from Seattle and Portland. I was even on the executive for one year. I had a long pause in crossdressing for a few years. I now belong to a couple of groups that are more social.

It did help me get out en femme. At the monthly meetings you could change before. I did that once and found it too much of a hazzle, so I got dressed at home and went even if I had to take transit. Sometimes we would have special quest showing us things on makeup, wigs, deportment, etc. It depends on the people. Some don't dress or go out more than the montly meetings in the hotel room, while others venture out more and more en femme.

Usually, GG don''t attend the meetings but more likely the social events. Like the groups I belong to now which have dinners one or twice a month, and SO of members often attend. As for CD's and their SO having difficulties in come to some agreement on Crossdressing, usually the group does not much resources to help much.

Yes these association can be useful, but mostly for the people you meet. The main help the offer is ecouragement of some people to get over their nerviousness and help them get out of their closets and enjoy being en femme with others and in public.

Jennifer

[Rachel Ann]

We are spoiled here in the Bay Area - we must have more TG groups per capita than almost anywhere else. I haven't heard anything about TriEss that made me want to check it out, but it takes all kinds to make a world.

I go to a club where we dress, do our makeup, and sometimes take pictures. Other than that, we just socialize - sometimes there's a little dancing. There is very little in the way of structured activity. It's a good middle ground for those of us who aren't in to bars but don't want something highly structured either.

It's my impression from looking at links that almost every city of any size has some sort of TG group. In some places, it's probably more "underground" than in others.

[JoannaDees]

I've not heard good things about Tri-ess from the more liberal people.

There is also the Diablo Valley Girls, in Concord I think. They sound more liberal.

[Melissa Ryan]

I am glad this has been brought up! My wife and I have been talking about trying to meet some other CD s and so s. We were going to look at some of the groups available here, Probably still will) but, I am more interested in the social side and meeting others. A brief discusion has been "had", about trying to get some of the Melbourne/ Aussie members together for a night together. To me this appeals as I feel that we are a family, and as such "it would be nice if we could catch up every now and then" as my Mum would say! what does any one think? And does any one have info on Melbourne groups? Thanks! lets do lunch :D ..........Melissa.........

[Tristen Cox]

Not to change the topic(great thread btw Marla) Which ever choice you make it should be somewhere you feel comfortable.

Even with forums like this and separate sections for GGs to post to and get feedback from other GGs, it's nothing like meeting real people in real life and talking and seeing the person you're talking to. It adds reality for females that are otherwise re-evaluating everything since finding out their SO crossdresses. They need others as much as we do, in real support places. Not just online in the cyberworld. When you see the emotions and confusion in someones face it adds to the reality of the matter. When you see the happiness and joy of others in real life this becomes very real for you too. I feel that many of the GG SOs feel in the closet without meeting others in the flesh and realising they truly are not alone.

Being supportive and having a supportive partner may be enough for some, but having supportive friends and functions to attend can help those who want it in ways they could not achieve on their own.

Worth it? Yes I think they are :)

[Stephanie Mancini]

Here in Scotland i take my wife once a month to a coffee evening group which is just excellent, about 30 T-girls and 8 partners wives girlfriends, meeting other real girls who share a common interest is just as important for my wife as it is for me meeting my friends and other t-girls, we have made many good lasting friendships here and by going to various dinners and events all over the country, one event we go to has at least 40% with partners and its growing every year with more and more couples coming along as word gets around, first time i ever took my wife anywhere i was filled with trepidation about what i was letting her in for, conjuring up in my mind all sorts of horrific scenarios as to the likely outcome, and if anything went drastically wrong there was always operation plan B to fall back on, run like hell! suffice to say it all turned out wonderfully well and we haven't looked back since, it works for us, it really depends on what you both decide together what will work for you


Steph

[kristine239]

This is a great thred and I am very happy to see that many people are talking about actually meeting with others. Too many people are still afraid to get out of the closet and into the real world.

First on Tri-Ess: Jane Ellen Fairfax (National Chair) and her spouse Mary Ellen are great friends and we spent a lot of time together last april at Transgender 2005 in Austin TX. It is a great group for spouses and CD's. However, they are not receptive to single CD's or CD's and others that do not attend with their spouses, and they do not like TS's. Perceived as a thret to their marriage. Sometimes they spend too much time talking about the problems in the marriage that having a CD spouse cause.

In my opinion an open group is much more friendly and more active. There are hundreds all over the US that I know of. I don't want to do a commercial here for anyone, but a good start to find something near you is to go to www.ifge.org. I am chair of CrossDressers International in NYC. www.cdinyc.org.

There are also many conferences around the country that you will find welcoming and all have programs for SO's and CD's. www.cdinyc.org.

If you would like some specific organizations in your area, please e-mail me at skristinej@aol.com

Love Kristine

[StephanieCD]

What I find interesting, now that I think about it, is that we're not all members of Tri-ess - when I found it, I thought it was THE ONLY organization for those like us. I figured all CDs were members - if they had a computer. How wrong was I?! LOL Then I found this place... and there are others, or so I hear. With all of the organizations and forums and such - our numbers must be great, no? Much more of us than I thought - I can see that now that I look ;)

[Sally2]

[QUOTE=Marla GG]I was wondering how many of the members here belong to an organization such as Tri-Ess, and what benefits you feel you get from your membership.

Marla,
I don't have any personal experience with Ti-Ess but I do belong to the Renaissance Support Group (www.ren.org) here in the Philadelphia PA area. The support group is open to all TG types and works closely with GLBs groups. I have a supportive wife who has attended meetings with me and through the contacts we met at the meetings have more or less formed our own social group which includes monthly outings at TG friendly restaurants. Support groups do serve a very important function but you can outgrow what that is. Our group includes married couples, single CDs and one very personable GG plus a GG who operates a CD personal services business. There is a Renaissance Chapter in Stockton CA (www.bigvalleyrenaissance.com) which may or may not be near you. As I mentioned the support groups do provide valuable services and serve an important role in the TG community and may lead to contacts that share your interests. You and Angel by all means should consider joining a support group primarily as a way of meeting couples with similar likes. Sally2

[CharleneCD]

Bunny and I are checking out our local tri-ess chapter. We are attending the 2 meetings we are allowed to go to as guests befor we have to join. Keep in mind that I am making assumptions and good guesses but after atttending the first meeting I'm pretty sure that some of the Tgirls at our first meeting are at least bi. Most of the ones we talked to seemed to have a very accepting attitude in general. I think that the actual members have more to do with how conservastive the group is rather than Tri-ess policy. As for our opinion on joining we are waiting to attend our second meeting. Bunny was the only SO out about 15 gals who attended this meeting. If we dont see more active couples, this group might not be for us. I will say though that it was nice for me to be able to hang out in person with other CD,s.

[Ophelia D'Void]

I'd have to agree with Tristen in that there's nothing that compares with talking to another CD in person. And one of the good things about Tri-Ess is that they focus on making wives and SO's of dressers feel welcome, so you should find other GG's there to speak with. If you're curious but don't want to put down alot of hard cash to become a full-fledged member, I think they still do a free trial, where you can meet up for a first time meeting to get to know the girls and see what the climate's like. Can't hurt to try, and it should be fairly comfortable for Angel, since she seems to have made leaps and bounds fashionably (some of them can be catty). Love Angel's new wig by the way.

However, they can be very conservative, politically (although that depends on particular members), sexually (they seem to frown on gays), and stylistically (when I went they kinda gave me "the look" because of the way I dress). Also explore some other TG groups in your area so you can compare and contrast. Always good to shop around, and I think that nothing beats meeting in person. Plus if anything, going to groups offers alot of networking opportunities. Other CD's can clue you in to local places that are CD friendly, like clubs, restaurants, clothing stores, etc. Plus if you decide to go clubbing, it's always better to go in groups rather than by yourself.

[Marla GG]

Wow! Thank you for all the advice! We really appreciate it.

We are looking for more of a social group that goes out and does things, and I think after reading this thread that an "open" group might be more our style, but it can't hurt to attend a "trial" meeting or two of each group. Formal meetings in conference rooms (no doubt complete with bad coffee) don't sound like that much fun.

I don't mind if there aren't many other SOs or couples there. It would be very cool to meet some GGs who think the same way I do, but I am also happy to make CD/TG friends (if they'll have me).

It was also nice to get some more referrals--some of those groups are within an hour of us. Even the Bay Area is not that far--less than 100 miles--so I guess we have lots of options!

I learn so much here.....thanks again :hugs:

[liz lesbow]

Marla: You might want to check this place out for your husband. Its in Freemont and on Wednesdays he can dress up to this harts content show up in “femme” and enjoy conversation with a drop in group of CD/tg’s. Is in Fremont . I went by and met the owner Joanne (a GG) to discuss makeup lessons. She gives hands on lessons by doing one side and then you or your husband does the other side. I am going back with my wife to do a double makeover. One for each of us. My wife made the comment to me that she had to teach herself to do her own makeup while growing up and had never had lessons. She looks great but I think she will enjoy the fun or having a makeover lesson. The place is discrete and you can drive up in your car in “femme” with no one around. She has hundreds of costumes that she rents out. I am interested in the makeup lesson mostly because I buy my own clothes when I have the yen.

Her web sight is www.iloveitcostumes.com. She was easy for me to talk to and I look forward to more encounters at her place of business. I drove by to find out if it were a place that I would be willing to go to . It was.

If you find another such place or group in Northern Ca. please drop me a PM or post it for me to see.

[Dragster]

Haven't seen any response to this thread from England. Are there any recommendations for social gatherings (not formal meetings or clubs, I want to chat with similar people!) in the Manchester and Cheshire area, just in case I manage to get my wife to come round a bit and recognise that there's no harm in CDing!

Tony

[HTGurl GG]

Not to change the topic(great thread btw Marla) Which ever choice you make it should be somewhere you feel comfortable.

Even with forums like this and separate sections for GGs to post to and get feedback from other GGs, it's nothing like meeting real people in real life and talking and seeing the person you're talking to. It adds reality for females that are otherwise re-evaluating everything since finding out their SO crossdresses. They need others as much as we do, in real support places. Not just online in the cyberworld. When you see the emotions and confusion in someones face it adds to the reality of the matter. When you see the happiness and joy of others in real life this becomes very real for you too. I feel that many of the GG SOs feel in the closet without meeting others in the flesh and realising they truly are not alone.

Being supportive and having a supportive partner may be enough for some, but having supportive friends and functions to attend can help those who want it in ways they could not achieve on their own.

Worth it? Yes I think they are :)


Tristan, I'm so glad you said this. Face to face and personal meetings are so much more fullfilling. Holly and I are extremely social peopel and we love being with others. Holly and I have discussed Tri-ess now and again, but haven't made the plunge yet. Maybe soon. Now that we have a whole new world of "friends" opening up to us I just want to meet everyone. While we have only "chatted" on line or even yahooed voice chatted with others on this site, including you, I want so desparately to meet all of you in person. I guess that's why I want to meet everyone in Vegas. It's just easier to dress and go out there for alot of CD's and I for one feel a lot more comfortable because there I'm not as worried about idiots saying stuff to or at Holly. I'm sure there are other places too. But Vegas is so much FUN! :D I really do want to meet all the gg's that I've met on this site so much. They are all see so outstandingly wonderful, and Hey, we all have so much more in commom right from the getgo.



Thanks for letting me put my 0.02 in here.

[Holly]

...Holly and I are extremely social peopel and we love being with others...We could always come out to the neighbors! :eek: :nerves:

[Ophelia D'Void]

Hmm, hafta agree with you Marla.

The meetings that I went to were almost like Narcotics Annonymous meetings for CD's, in some hidden basement of the Holiday Inn. Coffee and chit chat, but nary a tranny hanging from the rafters (they'd probably break a hip looking at the rafters). And don't ask why I know what the inside of an NA meeting looks like.

When I started dressing, I could barely leave the house in sunglasses at 2 in the morning, so Tri-Ess would have been right up my alley if I didn't get the evil eye from the founder. Sucks not fitting in anywhere.

Since you're not too too far from the San Francisco area, maybe you can shoot for the next GLTB pride parade that they have up there. And in the mean time you can check out some of clubs/bars in the area. Might even be able to drag some of the Essers out of the meeting to join you.

[HaleyPink2000]

Hun

I'm needing to find support groups in Central Illinois for my Wife and Myself.

I started going to TriEss meetings in Champaign Illinois in May. They have no SO's

come at all. What I was wanting were other GG SO's for my Wife to chat with in a support group setting. We have been married 23 years, and I have talked to her of this in depth.

She just thinks Im sick and as my Wife it's " till death do us part / for better or for worse etc".

Which is fine " but I'm not sick". I have been this way since I was a child. Dressing in Femme.

Like others I have had my years of being in denial over it, and trying to be as macho as I could be. But Finally as I am facing retirement I know I can't be anyone else, just myself. For the last about 10 years I have been dressing around Her. A little more each year.

The TriEss Meetings are fine for social chatting but I really wanted something for my wife not just myself. I enjoy the meetings, just wish other GG's would come so that I could bring my Wife.

Any Ideas of contacts in Central Illinois would be great!

Thanks!

Haley:)

[Ava Mouse]

Our local (Seattle) Tri-Ess is quite nice and great for those married couples needing a place to go/meet. Most meet in homes and are relatively private.

BUT, I wanted to get out a bit more. I joined our local "Emerald City" http://www.theemeraldcity.org/ which has more public outings for those more comfortable in public.

Are they worth it? Absolutely! But it probably depends a lot on the quality of the leadership and members, AND what you want to get out of it... As with any group, what you get out of it depends a lot on what the members put into it...

Perfect for first timers. Some sponsor makeup classes and similar things to improve your look. http://www.espritconf.org

[Sally2]

Marla,
Another avenue to consider is attending these "Be All" Weekends where the general theme is for the CD to be a full time woman and partake of all the events so scheduled. However, these events also include (and encourage) SOs to attend. My wife and I will be attending the Fantasia Fair in Provincetown MA in October. This event has a fair representation Of SOs and we look forward to some great socializing with the other couples. If your budget can afford it and your schedule can accomodate it could be a wonderful and rewarding experience for both you and Angel to attend such an event near you. These weekend events are usually well publicized or you can ask our great membership for info. Sally2

[Phoebe Reece]

Support organizations for the most part try to serve a noble purpose – that of helping the crossdresser (and perhaps also his or her S.O.) find a way to deal with this aspect of their life. Unfortunately, being voluntary and somewhat secretive organizations, not all support organizations provide the support everyone in the gender spectrum would like. Tri-Ess was mentioned several times earlier in this thread, so I would like to address the issue of support by local chapters of Tri-Ess.

First of all, there is a wide variety in what each local chapter does. Some meet for an evening each month in some motel room. For crossdressers just barely out of the closet, that may be more than enough. Other chapters have a broader scope of activities. The one I am a member of has a full weekend of activities each month. Beginning on a Friday afternoon we meet at a hotel suite that has been reserved for the weekend. After a few hours of catching up on what everyone has been up to lately, we head out to a local restaurant for supper. Afterwards we will either go back to the suite for a while or to the hotel lounge for drinks or maybe go out to some bar or club. Saturday mornings in the suite we have a “newcomers meeting” where the talk gets serious about everyone’s situation and how to deal with it. In the afternoon, there is lunch out at some restaurant (or maybe the food court at a mall) and activities including such things as bowling, shopping, getting a makeover, or visiting the zoo or a museum. In the evening we get dressed nice and go to a nice mainstream restaurant for supper. Afterwards, it’s back to the hotel lounge or out clubbing. Sunday mornings there is a “bubba breakfast” where everyone can see what their friends look like when not crossdressed. For our newcomers that are not yet ready to go out enfemme, they can hang out in the hotel suite and have room service meals there. In between meetings we occasionally give presentations on crossdressing to local universities, we have a website, we have a telephone hotline, and we publish a monthly newsletter. And yet, we still get criticism that we don’t satisfy everyone’s needs.

The bottom line is, each support organization is different and will only provide a limited level of support. You can only find out what works best for your individual situation by attending some meetings of the various groups that are out there in your area.

Phoebe

[psdibe]

I belng to a local tri ess organization and it is great. A couple of the sisters live in town abd are a great help. One of the groups wife is with mary kay and hleps with make up. I often join another couple for lumch and shopping. It is wonderful to have other people to talk with and just be able to be dressed with out worry, just enjoy your self.

I would highly recomend joining.
Hugs
PD

[Rachel Ann]

OK, specifically what I've heard about Tri-Ess is that they are not too crazy about CDs without accepting SOs, and are downright hostile to gays.

For all I know this is only true of certain chapters, but I've heard first-hand accounts from enough different people that I'm not inclined to just write it off as somebody's sour grapes.

[Phoebe Reece]

Tri-Ess's mission is to provide support for the heterosexual crossdresser. Whether or not they are even married is not an issue, much less whether the SO is accepting or not. I wouldn't say Tri-Ess is hostile towards gays; Tri-Ess simply does not offer them full membership. Each local chapter is different however, with some totally closed to gay, bi, or those seeking SRS and yet some chapters offer these categories associate (non-voting) memberships. You really won't know what each chapter's position on this is without contacting them directly. Don't depend on second hand stories - not even from me.