Help me please!!

[bethw]

Beth has not been out in quite a while and I think i'm giong crazy. This isn't a joke. I have no one to turn to and my wife has no idea about Beth. i love my wife more than life itself but i can't put Beth away. I am Beth. without her I wouldn't be me. I just don't know what to do. Is counseling an option?
I need help my sisters. ASAP. I'm really starting to get depressed.
Thanks to all and hugs
Beth

[Joanne f]

Hello Beth,
Have you thought about saying something to your wife about Beth and how do you thing she would react to finding out at least a bit about your secret .

[CherylFlint]

Be truthful, she'll respect you all the more.

[Lyndi]

I have to agree with Joanne and Cheryl here - You are not happy as things stand and is it fair on your wife to keep this secret from her. How do you know what her reaction will be ? And you do have someone to turn to Beth - all the girls here will listen to you and help in any way possible. Lyndi

[silkenhose]

you need to talk to her and yes i think sitting with a therapst is a good idea

silk

[LisaM]

Beth,

I agree with everything that has been said already. You talk to both a therapist and your wife. I think you need to find a therapist that is very familiar with gender issues.

[bethw]

Thank you all. she has found panties and such in the past and has expressed no desire to talk about it. I think a therapist is the best course of action and I will persue this. thank you all for "being there" for me. i don't know what i would do without you. I'll keep you all posted. I know that you care.
Beth

PS If anyone knows of a good therapist in the Ocean County area of NJ PLEASE let me know.

[Fran Moore]

I'd just like to give you a big HUG!

This can be a lonely journey, but please don't get too depressed about your situation. As the others have said, communication is important, although it may not provide a solution. Discussing this in the presence of a qualified therapist will allow you to convey your inner feelings in a way that may be more accepting to your wife, but that doesn't mean that she will accept the fact that you are who you are on the inside. There have been many threads here that speak to the tell/don't tell issue, and most of the GG's want to know, (perferably before marriage or the beginning of a relationship) but that doesn't apply in your case. Don't beat yourself up over it, but it will be a huge relief for you when you convey your feelings to her. On the downside, it will be a burden for her in many ways, but could also be a relief to know that you aren't cheating on her, and that you aren't looking for a major life change, i.e. sex change, etc. Go slow, be kind, and always be considerate of her feelings as she trys to deal with your revelation. Don't assume that it has to be an "either/or" situation as many of us have found a way to have a meaningful relationship and still be who we are, even if our spouses/or S.O.'s are unaccepting.

Suzanne:hugs:

[sallyjones]

sometimes a picture says a thousand words and is good to test the waters. show her a pic and if she freaks out at least you have broken the ice.

[bethw]

Thank you all so much. I'm sitting at my desk and I'm ready to cry. Suzzane, I'll take all the hugs I can get right now. we're going away for the weekend and maybe, just maybe, I'll work up the courage to start a conversation with her.
We've been married for 34 years and we've weathered worse than this, I think. we'll get through this too. She's an amazing lady.
Hugs
Beth

[Fran Moore]

I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. 34 years is a long time, I'm sure she is a wonderful woman. We are celebrating our 30th anniversary next month!

Suzanne

[jenniferj]

Hi Beth,

Two issues are pushing forward here:

1. You are lonesome and need someone sympathetic to talk with. This might be a therapist, or a local support group, or your many friends at this site. If you are in the internal turmoil you seem to be expressing, chances are very good that your wife is NOT your best bet until you feel a little bit better about yourself.

2. You need eventually to be honest with your wife; many of us waited for whatever reasons until after we were married to mention this "little" thing... It did not end well for many. (I am one of the extremely fortunate ones). It will not help if you try to discuss this while you are feeling ashamed and guilty.

Beth, we have all worn your shoes; my DearSweetWife has said recently that she loves almost everything about me, except for the crossdressing; on the other hand she realizes many of the things that she loves most are probably caused by the same internal makeup that led to the crossdressing. I hope your wife will adopt this attitude, but you will have to work for it.

Keep talking with us; it will get better.

-jj

[bethw]

Suzanne
She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for the prayers.

[Persephone]

Thank you all so much. I'm sitting at my desk and I'm ready to cry. Suzzane, I'll take all the hugs I can get right now. we're going away for the weekend and maybe, just maybe, I'll work up the courage to start a conversation with her.
We've been married for 34 years and we've weathered worse than this, I think. we'll get through this too. She's an amazing lady.
Hugs
Beth

:hugs: Count me in as another cheerleader. :hugs:

You'll have to decide how (and if) to tell your wife, but keeping secrets can also cause strain on family relationships.

Best Thoughts, and may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[bethw]

Jennifer;
Thanks for the advise. I'll take it to heart. You're a good friend.
Beth

[Sandra]

If you do talk to her, which IMHO you should do, let her know that she is not alone, tell her about the FAB forum we have here for wives/partners.

It's not doing you any good keeping Beth all closed up so take that plunge and chat to her.

[Andy66]

she has found panties and such in the past and has expressed no desire to talk about it.
Well now, hold on a minute. That doesn't necessarily mean you can't talk to her now. It depends on the details like... how long ago did she find panties? Her outlook might have changed some since then. Why exactly did she not want to talk? She might have suspected you were having an affair, and that's very different from crossdressing. If she understood how much stress you're under right now, don't you think she would care and want to help you?

[AmberLynn]

I have to agree,being honest is the first step. trying to hide it make's you feel worse then telling and upseting the one you love most i have been there. and like a few girl's above my wife was at first shocked,but settled and decided we would work thing's out togeather. she love's me as amber and as a male counter part now. but it take's work and building a bridge of communaction and understanding is most likely the best step.

try building a little courge and understanding for your self,then you need to talk:hugs:

[Ralph]

I agree with everyone here (with one exception, in a minute...) that you'll feel much better once it's in the open. Two things I must stress: First, make it clear that you are still the man she fell in love with and she is still the most important person in your life. Second, PROVE it by your actions -- put her desires first before yours, and if she has limits (such as "Don't go out in public" or "don't let the kids see you dressed" or "don't let me see you dressed") honor those limits like your life depends on it, no cheating when you think she won't find out. As long as you both have a way to get your needs met, this story will have a happy ending.

Now, I disagree with sallyjones about the picture. No matter how tasteful and attractive YOU think the picture is, it will be way too much information for her all at once. Better, I think, to build up to it slowly so she's not overwhelmed. Start by explaining you want to be completely honest with her about everything, but there's a part of you that she has never known about because you were afraid she would not love you if she knew (I'm assuming both of those statements are true). Explain that it has been a part of your personality since childhood and you know from your own experience and reading about it that it is not something you can just stop or turn off like smoking. THEN go into detail about the dressing, THEN emphasize that it doesn't change who you are or how you feel about her, and reassure her that you do not desire to have surgery to become a woman and you aren't gay (again, I'm assuming those statements are true).

After that, it's her turn -- ask if she has any questions or concerns, and answer them as completely and truthfully as possible.

[jenniferj]

A thought just crossed my mind...

Have any of you "tested the water" with your needs-to-be-told wife by bringing home a pleasant friend from work/school/league/church/whatever who happens to be a crossdresser? Or by innocently taking her someplace (a restaurant, shopping, whatever) where such a person "just happens" to be?

It seems as though this is a service we could offer each other to gently introduce our wives to something that might otherwise be unknown and frightening. Too many people immediately associate "crossdressing" with "drag queens" (not that there is anything wrong with drag queens) and it may be helpful for her to see/meet nice people who dress stylishly.

Just an idea...


-jj

[anna kate]

Beth,
I mostly read the posts here, rarely writing, but I've been where you are. My wife and I were married 25 years before I told her. Wish I had done it sooner! Wife and I had been through some pretty tough stuff, (lost 4 of 5 of our kids to the automobile)and are still comming out of that. One day I just felt I had to tell her, didn't do my homework first, so it was another catastrophy on top of what we were already dealing with.
Anyway, I suggest you gather all the info you can in preperation. This will be one big dump on her, even going slow. And, I recommend slow! She will have questions that are going to be to the point and hard to answer. Tell the truth, if you don't have an answer, say so, because you won't have all the answers. Give her some credit too, she's not stupid. She'll need time to absorb, so don't rush her. Expect some adverse reaction (I spent three months in "dry dock"). She may want to set up "boundaries", that's a good thing,It's mostly telling you what she will accept at this point. May be negotiable down the road, go slow. If you marriage is solid it will survive. Also, try to put yourself in her shoes (nothing funny intended) and imagine how it would be if tables were turned the other way.
I'm sure there are others here that have the gift of gab and will relate thier experiences. I don't know what else to tell you at this point, only that the wife and I just celebrated our 43 annaversary. You might suggest she come on this site and converse with other wives that have been through this.
Huggs, Anna Kate

[EveMarie]

Beth I know just what you're going through. I met my wife 15 years ago and came into the relationship with full disclosure. from that point on she never wanted anything to do with it, talk about it, or acknowledge Evie still existed. So I carried on as discretely as I could, but last fall she found out I went out for a social drink with a GG friend of mine while she was out of town, and everything exploded from there. I am seeing a "therapist" who was recommended by my GP and is a "gender specialist". But as I write this I'm sitting in my new apartment, alone, contemplating what's next:sorry:

You need to talk to her diplomatically not just blurt out your desires, be kind, patient, understanding (damn all those female traits) a lot of years of marriage and more than anything LOVE, can overcome and help resolve almost anything…

Good Luck sweety :)

[sherri52]

Beth: come out to you wife. If it's eating you inside this much it is time to let You wife meet Beth

[Amy Hepker]

Depression is bad, but you can overcome it. You need to get to a doctor and get some anti-depressants. Even if you do get to dress once in a while you will get depressed. It sounds like you need to tell your SO, and comeout to her. Do not show her, but talk to her about it. At first she will think you are the wierdo that everyone told her not to get mixed up with, but if you tell her how you really feel and if she really LOVES you she should at least try to accpet you. Do not think she wants to see it as she may never ever want to see her MAN dressed as a female. The thing is to talk to her about someone else how CDs maybe over a time of a couple months and see how she reacts. Talk a more each time. Time is what you need. As for you you will have to get your dressing time in when you can. Be careful not to get caught, that can be worse than telling her.

[5150 Girl]

I feel for ya. I havn't been out scince Haloween, and it's diving me nuts!

[sterling12]

Counseling/Therapy is certainly an option! Try to ensure you find The Right Person for The Job, someone very familiar with TG issues, and someone you can work with. If you can't get what you need from your first choice, move on to the next, until you find someone!

Later, after you get settled, start to accept what is inevitable, you can try and involve your wife. A very good "Shrink" that I know, practicing down here with an almost exclusive client base of TG Persons says: "I'm mostly trying to help CD's and their spouses cope!" "Cope with their relationships and cope with Society." "It's not a matter of curing someone, it's helping them to deal with all The Stuff!"

Good luck!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[bethw]

Thank you all for the advice. I'm taking it all to heart and will ultimately do what i feel is best for my wife and I. Therapy is probably the best thing right now. I'm looking for a good one and will keep everyone informed.
Once again, thank you all for your loving care.
Hugs to all.
Beth

[melissacd]

Beth,

A few thoughts,

- as long as you keep this inside you will feel unsettled

- you must have no doubt about who you are, if you feel gulity and uncomfortable about this she will too

- you need to tell her, no matter what

- you need to have resources ready that she can read and look at to educate herself (books, Articles, Websites)

- you need to be prepared with answers to the standard questions (is the sexual, are you gay, do you want to do this in public, what will the neighbours think, do you want to get together with others, do you want a sex change, do you want to live femme full time, etc...) only you know the answers to these questions but you need to determine what they are before you talk to her

- being prepared to go to couple's counselling is a good thing, preferably a counsellor who has experience in this area, but at a minimum a counsellor who does not have a bias either way about this subject other than to note that it is a perfectly okay thing to do

- find a cross dresser support organization in your area and go to meetings, hopefully with her, to get the support and education that you both need as a couple dealing with this

- be open and honest with her about who you are and how you feel, listen to her concerns and feelings and set boundaries, but they must be boundaries that meet both your needs - she can express how she feels and what she wants but in the end you must do what you feel will make you feel happy - if you need to shave arms and legs to be happy then do so, if you need to dress in public to be happy then do so, work with her on this and find a pace that she can accept but make it clear what you need to be a happy and fulfilled person and do not back down from that position, do not be unreasonable just make it clear who you are and what you need and only concede on the things that really do not matter to you

- be prepared for lots of resistance, but give her time and keep pushing forward

- when she moves forward a little bit, do not go crazy and assume that she is totally accepting, sometimes she will feel better about it than other times - assuming that she truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she will move forward in this with you

- in some cases, as has been noted by others, there is no acceptance and no tolerance - be prepared that she may wish to end the relationship no matter what you do

I wish and hope the best for you, I really do understand so well what you are going through.

Huggs
Melissa

[TonyaV]

A thought just crossed my mind...

Have any of you "tested the water" with your needs-to-be-told wife by bringing home a pleasant friend from work/school/league/church/whatever who happens to be a crossdresser? Or by innocently taking her someplace (a restaurant, shopping, whatever) where such a person "just happens" to be?

It seems as though this is a service we could offer each other to gently introduce our wives to something that might otherwise be unknown and frightening. Too many people immediately associate "crossdressing" with "drag queens" (not that there is anything wrong with drag queens) and it may be helpful for her to see/meet nice people who dress stylishly.

Just an idea...


-jj

I like you idea!

[meri]

My situation: married 32 years, my pink fog started 2-1/2 years ago. However, I told my wife about it a few months after it started. She had the same negative reaction most wives have, no need for details, that's not my focus here...

You may benefit by focusing on the craving itself and try to find out what is motivating and feeding it.

For me, the pink fog was transformative. Like most males I was trained at an early age to repress my feminine side. Every male on the planet has a feminine side, yet, we are taught to repress and pretend it doesn't exist -- odd.

Thus, I discovered the purpose of the very deep desire to express myself in a feminine manner was to bring to the surface of my mind the very existence and reality of my feminine side.

It took a long time, but eventually, I accepted my feminine side. This brought me a great deal of peace and joy and dramatically reduced my compulsion to dress.

Over time, I would start to deny my feminine side and would think I was just had an over active male imagination or some such thing. This kind of thinking would trigger a restart of the pink fog and I would find myself right back to wanting to express my feminine side.

The message to me was, you are going to accept this or I am going to drive you crazy until you do. (I don't know who the "I" is in this message -- higher consciousness?)

I am in acceptance now, the craving is largely diminished. I don't feel driven and I can play with this as I choose. The interesting side-effect of acceptance is this: "well, since I *do* have a feminine side, then I guess I am entitled to play around with skirts and things if I want to". No guilt....no worries....

So, take a deep look within yourself and see if you accept this aspect of yourself. I will warn you that it is not easy to accept and it pretty much takes caving in a letting yourself go where-ever these feelings want to take you. The surprise was that as soon as I let go, the cravings stopped. What a ride!