Sacrifice and Compromise living a dual gender existence and why.

[DaphneGrey]

After I sent my boys off to school this morning I took a shower and went through my daily grooming ritual. I picked out my outfit nothing special lee jeans and a lands end tee and a sweater vest. Very androgynous or truthfully you wouldn't know I was wearing women's clothes without a really close look. But for every day they make me happy::)

I sat down at my vanity and thought since I am working opposite schedules of my family this week why not go a little more femme. So I darkened my eye brows added a clear lipstick, put in black pearl studs instead of my gauged silver CBRs. I usually wear a bandana but instead used a silk scarf tied in the back with the tails draped over my left shoulder. very feminine. Not a all over top in my opinion, but Mrs D would not like to see me like this and thats fine. So I was thankful to have the opportunity to be closer to the true me than I would normally have during my work week.:battingeyelashes: I started to get that tinge of sadness that comes at times like these when I feel sorry that I wasn't born female. Saying to myself everything would be right. And life would be perfect.

You see my grooming time is almost spiritual and I do a lot of soul searching and introspection. As I was sitting at my vanity (A gift from my wife wonderfully supportive of my need to dress just doesn't want to see me dressed) I started thinking about work, family, and so forth. I was also thinking of my thread about why men get such a bad rap. A few thoughts popped into my head.

I thought as I often do about my need to be the person that I am. And at the same time be a husband, male companion and friend to the woman I absolutely worship. And be a father and role model to my two children. This is where my thoughts on men come in.

I have this amazing spouse who I love who didn't sign on for this but stuck with me and supports me the best she can. I have two sons who need a father. who run to the door when I come home. My first and fore most desire is to provide one hundred and ten percent for them everything they need.

i never really feel complete and at peace with myself unless I am presenting Daphne Head to toe. But I sacrifice for the benefit of my family. I have taught myself not to think of the only ifs and the why nots. I made a vow I am going to keep it my wife married a man and that is what she deserves. She needs me her husband,protector,provider. And the same for my children, they need me as their father.

I often catch myself slipping into a motherly role especially with my youngest and have to stop myself some times. It is hard enough for Mrs D to deal with being married someone like me. I am very girly she is not and I pull of the tight jeans thing kind of well and she is threatened by my ultra femme image. I try not to impede on her role as a mom with our kids or our nieces. I don't want to steal her girl moments away. occasionally she invites me in but always on here terms.

I would like to be Girl all the time and have unlimited freedom to do what ever I want. But I try to look at these things as a worthy and honorable sacrifice for the good of the people I love. Much the same way a man might work at a job he is not fond of all his life because it was the best thing he could do to provide a nice life for his family. Speaking of which I have to get to work another twelve hour day whoopie cant wait.


And although it makes a dammed confusing way to exist between two genders as it were I think it is worth it.

[Karren H]

Damn!! I hate it when I screw up the DVD recorder and it shuts off before the end of the show!! I always miss the good part! Your thoughts are?

[Christina Horton]

guess someone walk in EH! "Oops ah hi (name of person) I am sleep crossdressing . Please wake me up!!!"

[CherylFlint]

Of course it's worth it.

[Kate Simmons]

We are a bit more complex than other people Daphenie. We are who we are for a reason. If you look back at all you've done in this respect, you will realize there is no way it could have been done through human power alone. We do have a purpose and it's not just to look pretty my friend.:)

[Michelle-Leigh]

Great discourse, Daphne, and well stated. While out girling around en femme the other night, I and my T-girl friend Shannen discussed how easy it is to give into the strong desire to abdicate all responsibility to others just to be en femme, and how bad it would be for those of us with wives and children to do such a thing. In the thick pink fog, I have in the past experienced an intense desire to run away from it all and never be a man again.... And I have observed that it takes some very disciplined thinking to train one's self to be happy in both genders, by realizing that being in the male gender can be fun as well. I realized that no matter what, I am still primarily a man, and to hurt others by giving in to my own selfish desire to be feminine full time is something I must continually strive to avoid. After all, we aren't the only ones in the world !

[sherri]

You've said it very well yourself, so I just want to validate what you've said and encourage you to never lose sight of that perspective. Who knows why things work out the way they do, why we make such discoveries about ourselves after we've built a life that would seem to conflict with what we've learned? All I know is that self-absorption is a fairly bankrupt way to live, and the sacrifices we make for the sake of love are the finest part of who and what we are. There are things in life vastly more important than our own gratification. As Denise so eloquently intimated, sometimes you just have to have a little faith. I know your wife must love you for your consideration, and your kids deserve nothing less. Those responsibilities are sacred and I believe that somehow, some way, you will be blessed because of them. Heck, you already are. xoxo

[AlisonRenee]

-- well said. There are aspects of my male life that I don't think I can give up. Now, had life gone a different direction when I was, say, 30 years younger, then *I* might have also gone a very different direction. But you're right - there is a line between self-expression and selfishness.


Great discourse, Daphne, and well stated. While out girling around en femme the other night, I and my T-girl friend Shannen discussed how easy it is to give into the strong desire to abdicate all responsibility to others just to be en femme, and how bad it would be for those of us with wives and children to do such a thing. In the thick pink fog, I have in the past experienced an intense desire to run away from it all and never be a man again.... And I have observed that it takes some very disciplined thinking to train one's self to be happy in both genders, by realizing that being in the male gender can be fun as well. I realized that no matter what, I am still primarily a man, and to hurt others by giving in to my own selfish desire to be feminine full time is something I must continually strive to avoid. After all, we aren't the only ones in the world !

[DiannaRose]

Daphne, you are very eloquent, and bring home a valid point in what we do. I actually read this at a time when I was fervently wishing for more Dianna time, and believe it or not, your post is an answer to a prayer. Thank you.

What it boils down to is that we have to make the most of the time we *do* have, so that we can be all there for our wives and kids the rest of the time. I am truly grateful to God for the gifts and time He has given me, and your words are His gentle reminder to me.

[MelanieP]

Very beautifully stated Daphne...and I know exactly how you feel. I am in a similar position- I have put my wife and children's needs ahead of mine and only get to be Melanie on my own time without intruding on my family's activities. It can work out, I think, but there are times when its especially difficult. Best of luck.

Melanie

[Barbara Dugan]

This is the best post I've read here.I think a lot of us are on situations very similar to yours, you are a great person:hugs:

[Tora]

Daphne, You have made a gallant and responsible choice. As a husband, father, provider...... oh yeah a crossdresser. As much as I love this persuit of the femme experience, it sometimes, many times takes a back seat to other needs of the day, other than mine. Family will reward you ten fold, as your children grow under proper love and supervision. Just now as my children are grown, I am truly blessed with grandchildren. Here we go again.

[DaphneGrey]

Thank you all so much for your responses. They are all so heart felt and touching. I will respond to each of you hopefully over the next few days. Thanks Again!

[Marlena-4now]

Daphne, I can really empathise with what you wrote. Lovely post ! Like you for a long time I have kept a lid on my girl side for "the good of the family" and I agree that , as Sherri said "self-absorption is a fairly bankrupt way to live" ........however, one also needs to be a genuine person. Too much repression and denial can lead to depression in which case you will make yourself and evry one around you miserable. ( I speak from experience).....which is also not for "the good of the family". It's a tough row to hoe and I certainly don't pretend to have the answers but I would advise you to try to avoid a commitment to putting on the straightjacket of the traditional male role. Let some of the real you come out in evryday real life, not just in isolation.
BTW, your wife sounds like a good person who loves you a ton, I would kill for my own vanity !:)

[Presh GG]

Hi Daphnie,

Well , here's the flip side.

Before WE were out, Before cellphones.
As the wife of a crossdresser, I've had to alianate friends and family to stop them from " droping in " when in the neighborhood.... Or coming in when they brought me home from an outing or work.
Don't forget if you live with someone, they are in this with you. I've made every excuse in the book to keep people away from US.
I spent years as a young wife keeping people at arms length, Not inviteing anyone in, Nor answering the phone or door.

And now WE are out, and where are they? I did my part well.
I'm Not feeling sorry for US, just telling you as it is... or was 30+ years ago.

Peace,
springtime GG

I wonder what your wife is thinking before inviteing someone in.

[DaphneGrey]

Daphne, I can really empathise with what you wrote. Lovely post ! Like you for a long time I have kept a lid on my girl side for "the good of the family" and I agree that , as Sherri said "self-absorption is a fairly bankrupt way to live" ........however, one also needs to be a genuine person. Too much repression and denial can lead to depression in which case you will make yourself and evry one around you miserable. ( I speak from experience).....which is also not for "the good of the family". It's a tough row to hoe and I certainly don't pretend to have the answers but I would advise you to try to avoid a commitment to putting on the straightjacket of the traditional male role. Let some of the real you come out in evryday real life, not just in isolation.
BTW, your wife sounds like a good person who loves you a ton, I would kill for my own vanity !:)

Thanks for the perspective I appreciate it and certainly hear what you are saying. Balance is the key. I am not repressing anything or forcing myself into a straight jacket. I am disciplining myself. Finding with great introspection, my purpose in this life. God gave me this unique gender identity. I am trying to find my way and be Daphne in a way that is both beneficial to my family and myself. As well as having a posotive impact in my community. It is not easy no. But anything worth anything never is.

I don't keep a lid on my girl side as it were. I just adjust my attitude to suit the situation at hand. The real me is out all the time as I said I spend a great deal of time (more than most) Presenting Daphne. I interact with the real world as Daphne, I go to church,Volunteer, have friends, travel etc... With the full support of my wife and family. I repay them by being the husband and father they need. I am happy to do it, as I have started down this path my life has only gotten better.

Without my continuing effort to meet my families needs, I would not have the support and freedom I need to live the life I do. Just this morning Mrs d said I am taking the kids up to my parents. Why not have some time for yourself and do some shopping before you go to Revolution tonight. She then gave me some VS coupons! She does not want to interact with Daphne one to one. But with that kind of support what do I have to complain about? So come Monday I will be her man. Happily and without regret because she deserves it.

Quid Pro Quo

[NathalieX66]

Thanks Balance is the key. I am not repressing anything or forcing myself into a straight jacket. I am disciplining myself. Finding with great introspection, my purpose in this life. God gave me this unique gender identity.
That's where I'm at.
I'm not big on pigeonhole'ing myself into definitions.
You titled your post on 'Sacrifice & Compromise".....that is how I see it. One can't sacrifice anything that one doesn't have. I like me too much to lose me as me. Hope this makes things less vague. :twitch:

[DaphneGrey]

Hi Daphnie,

Well , here's the flip side.

Before WE were out, Before cellphones.
As the wife of a crossdresser, I've had to alianate friends and family to stop them from " droping in " when in the neighborhood.... Or coming in when they brought me home from an outing or work.
Don't forget if you live with someone, they are in this with you. I've made every excuse in the book to keep people away from US.
I spent years as a young wife keeping people at arms length, Not inviteing anyone in, Nor answering the phone or door.

And now WE are out, and where are they? I did my part well.
I'm Not feeling sorry for US, just telling you as it is... or was 30+ years ago.

Peace,
springtime GG

I wonder what your wife is thinking before inviteing someone in.

Thank You Springtime, I so appreciate your post:) I try very hard to put myself in my wife's shoes and think of these things from her perspective. I am happy that I have a supportive wife (we have had our issues of course) but I know its not easy being married to a gender variant person like me. We have a unique relationship in where she will go out of her way so I do not feel like I am hiding anything, but at the same time she has her limits. I try very hard to make sure she doesn't have to worry about such things. The truth is our lives are so predictable it hasn't been an issue. I try not to let my transness cause her any stress. Its not easy but its worth it.