The dark side of Cross dressing

[susant]

Hi,
I have been struggling to cope twith my renewed interest in cross dressing after an absence of 20 years. As explained in previous posts sharing with my wife is not an option. For that reason i have decided to limit my dressing to ocasionally under dressing . I recently made an appointment with a dressing sevice fo a full transformation for next month and up to a few days ago I have really been looking forward to the experience of being fully en-femme in a discrete way.However in the last day or so my urge to dress seems to have waned considerably and I am thinking of canceling the booking. This feeling my in part be due to an artice I read while browsing entitled "The dark side of cross dresing" the link is :
http://www.jenellerose.com/htmlpostings/darkside/ControllingtheUrge.htm
The article questions whether crossdressing is healthy and even therapeutic and that it is practiced by ultra-sensitive men who are lucky enough to possess "feminine" souls.... and that Society is bigoted. If the world were more accepting of human differences and distinctions, and less caught up in arbitrary and nonsensical gender roles, cross dressers wouldn't have any problems at all. It's quite and in depth article and I can identify with many of the points made. It has set me thinking ( and worried me) about how I go forward. If you have time you might read some of it. Any comments and advice would be most welcome.

Susan

[windycissy]

It's a little hard for me to take seriously an article that's printed on paper showing a hot chick falling out of her dress and stilettos...anyway I've always resisted being stereotyped, life's what you make it and that includes crossdressing, you can either feel guilty or liberated by putting on "forbidden" clothing and playing with makeup, I choose liberation!

[izzfan]

I read this article a couple of years ago (when I was first researching the whole subject of crossdressing) and although it does make some interesting points about the pyschology of some crossdressers (including me in my early crossdressing days), I don't think it really presents crossdressing in an entirely positive way (and it could be open to misinterpretation by non-crossdressers who happen to read it). I shouldn't let the article worry you, the "pink fog" is something which I lot of crossdressers tend to go through at some point in their lives.

The last sentence of the article is definately true though "What he is, is a cross dresser. He will continue to be one for the rest of his life." It is nothing bad, it is not an "addiction".

The main problem lies within society and its rigid gender roles, for a more in-depth view of this I reccomend "Gender Outlaw" by Kate Bornstein, which is an absolutely fascinating book.

Another interesting article about how some people percieve crossdressing can be found at: http://www.mycdlife.com/2009/06/crossdressing-myth-5-it-is-a-destructive-addiction

[Ruth]

I notice the page was put up 12 years ago, has not been updated, and most of the links from it are dead. Still, it's worth a read.
It's one of those pieces where nothing is actually untrue, but it's all had such a negative spin put on it that it could really depress you if you weren't careful. Anyway, the traps that Karen describes are there but we don't all have to fall in. A life of CDing is possible without dire consequences.
There are more cheerful things to read, so don't feel you have to go to this one.

[Sara82]

I think this article describes the very worst case scenario when dealing with crossdressing as an extreme fetish/fantasy, that is all consuming. I don't indentify as a CDer, but I gender-bend everyday, without crossing the line or going beyond my own comfort zone to function in society. e.g. "The man in a dress". And this is not consuming my life, isolated me from my friends and family, nor putting me into financial debt, etc etc.

But what I do find to be some what true and troublesome, is that the more we seem to reject these rigid gender roles, and accept ourselves, the more we isolate ourselves from mainstream society.

[NathalieX66]

SiusanT, you forgot this link, too. it is a more neutral decription, from the same site:
http://jenellerose.com/htmlpostings/darkside/Temperament.htm

[EveMarie]

For some reason deep inside I can't let this one pass. I read the article and I'm somewhat offended.

Now, a disclaimer. I don't pretend to be a professional psychiatrist or therapist. But I'm no ignoramus either. I've been dressing in some form or fashion for over thirty years. That experience has left me with some insights. I've personally seen, experienced, or encountered all of the problems referenced in this section. I know of what I speak.

Having recently been urged to "explore" Evie and research what I believe to be me, I came across this this article link: http://www.docbushong.com/pubs/what_is_gender.asp
and I have to tell you after reading this and then a little more investigation I must say my eyes have been opened.

I am on a journey to discover who I am and "what" I am, and seeing references by other than proven certified professionals it's difficult to say the least to come to grips with a plaguing issue that has become the foundation of my existence. I'm approaching 60 and to be this confused and indecisive at this time in my life is no picnic.

'nough said

Evie:chatterbox:

[Stephenie S]

Well Susant,

That article did just what it was supposed to do for you. It increased your shame and guilt.

It was mostly psychobabble and old fashioned ideas. Note how old it is. I was appalled when I read it 10 years ago, and my opinion hasn't changed. Try to ignore it and try to enjoy your life. Guilt and shame have no place in your life at all. CDing isn't immoral or illegal. You are breaking no laws, neither God's nor man's.

99.9% of the people in this world don't give a fig what you are wearing, and the few who do aren't worth paying any attention to. If your wife objects, keep her out of it. There is no reason at all why she needs to get involved with something she doesn't like.

Live your life for you, not some idiot on line. When our lives are over, it's almost never the things we DID that cause us regret, it's the things we DIDN'T do.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Sherry-Stephanie]

I read the article and I agree with most of it's contents....I think it's as normal for a young teenage to use women's clothing for sexual stimulation just as he uses his father's Playboy mags or any other items to generate the "erotic" that they engage in at that age....

I read somewhere that 80% of all males engage in their first sexual expereinces with members of, and some subsequence experiences, with males their own age....but we all know 80% of the male population doesn't turn gay...so not all boys who uses fememine clothing cross dresses for life...

The one thing that I will disagree with is the title....'The Darkside of Crossdressing'....for I don't believe that if our crossdressing is generated by a stronger female side that it constitue "a darkside"....I believe that it comes about from an "enlightenment" of one's self awareness that we have a female side within us..(acknowledge) followed by the being OK with it..."acceptence", followed by 'validating' this female side of self though the act of dressing....

Now some might disagree, but how many CDers have difficulty in accepting their dressing with guilt or shame and how many have no issues what so ever. Their world is free of any issues etc....so not all Cders go though a life of guilt shame or whatever else affects their pshyic

He also mentions that CDers tend to hang and socialize with other CDers??? Well DUH so do most other members of sociality....cops tend to hang with other cops...lawyers with other lawyers doctors with other doctors....in general human beings tend to socialize with those who are engaged in similar traits and lifestyle....it's normal and not unnormal for human speciaes to break into sub groups with similar traits and likes....that's what socializing is all about....

Bottom line is we each have to discover ourselves and be true to ourselves before we can be true with others....

JMHO....Yours may vary....and that is what makes up unique as human beings....

[Karren H]

You read too much... Don't let other people tell you what you feel or don't feel or what crossdressimg is all about.. Its different for everyone.. If you want to crossdress and it makes you happy and does no harm to others.. Then go do it... If not.. Find another hobby..

[sheidelmeidel]

I read those pages a long time ago and I think they are right on and are not dated at all, I saw nothing that could be called psychobabble, just brutally honest and objective. But as others have said, that doesn't mean you have to throw yourself out of the nearest window, it just means you should reflect on yourself and be honest with yourself and try to keep things in perspective. That material should serve as a warning. Enjoy yourself, don't feel guilty about something you cannot change, but proceed with caution.

:rulez:

[susant]

Thank you all for your thoughts and words of wisdom.Making the appointment was a big step for me and I suppose I want to feel 100% happy with what I am doing and not have any regrets or feeling of guilt or shame, hence my browsing article on the web.I guess there will be days and weeks where you don't always feel like dressing.

Susan

[Raychel]

You read too much... Don't let other people tell you what you feel or don't feel or what crossdressimg is all about.. Its different for everyone.. If you want to crossdress and it makes you happy and does no harm to others.. Then go do it... If not.. Find another hobby..

I like the way you think Karren, My thoughts exactly. :2c:

[Michelle S]

CDing in itself is not unhealthy. But if your desire to cross dress would do harm to your marriage and was not really that strong maybe you should skip it. You've gotten through life without it so far. You are starting to sneak around your wife. This is a bad sign. I think you should not go to the transformation service until (if ever) you feel you can be open with your spouse.

If you really want to cross dress your first step should not be buying panties, wigs and such, but rather to learn how to communicate with your wife about your inner self. If you can't do that, try to forget about CDing. It will only bring you pain.

[susant]

Once again thanks for you replies. You have certainly given me plenty to think about. One point I don't think CDing is just another hobby like painting, soccer or ice hockey.

[Michelle S]

Good luck to you which every way you go. (My first post came off a little harsher in tone than I intended.)

[sherri]

In this less than perfect world we live in, there are definitely downsides to CDing. I'll spare you my own laundry list, but I think it's extremely important to be objective and realistic, to take a full accounting before starting down this primrose path. It is the nature of this forum to rush to legitimize and encourage CDing, but if you pay attention over time you'll notice there's quite a bit of wreckage by the side of the road. Everyone's situation is different, so you better count the cost in your own.

And I agree totally with Michelle. If you don't give your wife her full due of respect and consideration, you can't really expect much in return.

[Karren H]

Once again thanks for you replies. You have certainly given me plenty to think about. One point I don't think CDing is just another hobby like painting, soccer or ice hockey.

Who said hockey is a hobby?? Hockey IS our lives... (Some of us...) life is just where we spend our time between games! :)

[sherri52]

You can't always believe what you read. As a child crossdresser I was not inferior to the other boys nor was I ashamed of what I did. I was an athelete in school and feared by most who crossed me (I did grow up). No longer feared because I have a good attitude on life, I still crossdress. The article was writen by someone with all of these caracteristics and not with any research of others. In this forum you will find many different forms and reasons for cd'ing. Many of those are not listed in this article.

[Carly D.]

I think I borrowed that for a part of my explanation paper that I wrote.. I wanted to have something on paper to explain why the clothes I have and possibly be found in the event of an accidental death might explain part of why I cross dress.. I went back and started to read all of this that I wrote (some fifty pages front and back), got bored and edited it down to five then a few months later deleted or rather shreded the rest of the lot.. now in the case of an accidental death by me and they find my fem clothes I think they will figure it out..

[busker]

Susant,
I have to agree with sheidelmeidel that the articles--3 that I could get the links to work--were right on the money. The dark side is the social consequences of cding, and whether some members of the forum disagree, doens't necessarily make it not so. If psychology was a lot of hooey, advertising would never have gotten off the ground.There are many stories here of wrecked marriages, several false marriages, hiding clothing, wives that dislike or hate this activity and those that condome it may have issues of their own to deal with.
I think any activity engaged in by humans, can have a downside from obsessive behaviour to excessive costs and worse . Examples are people who will wait all night in shopping malls just for a chance at a sale, or I remember reading of one guy who finally got an x-box (he was 26 as I remember, married, ) and took a week off work just to play. Is this "adult " behaviour? Excessive I would say.
I too had alull of about 25 years and have recently taken up this "curse" again. While I can say I didn't engage in activity, it occasionally crossed my mind during those years and now I am engaging in a minor way. I've never hankered to get out in public, I don't yearn to be a woman, and I'm hetero.
As mentioned by several posters, you have a duty to your family but you don't have to make it a cross to bear. Perhaps counselling might help you but can certainly continue to talk about your feelings here. Talk is always good--it helps clarify things sometimes.
Mandrake

[docrobbysherry]

Because our society SO WRONGLY discriminates against CD/TGs! Who GENERALLY r nice GMs, wearing dresses!:Angry3:

Because SEX IS one of the reasons I dress, and I'm constantly MADE TO FEEL GUILTY for that!:Angry3:

Because the article is correct about CDing affecting my relations with GGs!:Angry3:

Because altho I know CDing IS a harmless, (to others), "hobby"! I STILL feel guilty doing it!:Angry3:

[Wen4cd]

Susant, that article is what I call 'suicide.html.' It's purpose, on the surface, is to tear you down, make you feel like dirt, and shovel hopelessness down your throat, with the hopes that you'll feel as miserable as the sad-sack bar-stool psychologist who wrote it. Misery loves company.

But it's real purpose was to make the author feel 'smart.' Make him feel like he 'figured something out.' He probably tells people he's a 'writer' on social and gender issues, hoping that they'll hear 'expert.'

He figured out how to insult fellow human beings doing him no wrong, a skill most learn at about age 12, then develop beyond. Captain Obvious probably was pretty pleased with himself over his little poorly disguised rant. For as much as the author talks about 'masturbation,' he apparently fails to realize that he's intellectually masturbating all over the page on that piece.

Read on. (http://www.transformation.co.uk/en/transgender-resources/resources/46-jungs-anima-theory-and-how-it-relates-to-crossdressing?format=pdf%22%3E) You can chose behaviorist despair, or you can chose uplifting points of view.

I would suggest just "doing whatever makes you happy," but many of us do like to make others happy along with ourselves, so a little study in the matter is usually good in finding an outlook that works for both us and those around us. This behaviorist twaddle in that article just does the opposite.

[sissystephanie]

Karren stated the obvious very succinctly in her first post on this thread.

I have been crossdressing, off and on, for more years than most of you people on the forum have been alive. I am age 77 and started crossdressing somewhere between age 6 and 7. I have never felt there was a "dark side" to wearing what looked and felt good, even if it was feminine!!

I read this "stupid" paper many years ago! Did not agree with it then and still don't! It is one persons opinion of things,and not a very well thought out opinion at that. There is no factual evidence to back up what is stated there, so why would anyone take it as fact? One point, he makes the statement that CD's are men wearing womans clothes. What about the FtoM CD's? There are certainly lots of them. And not all CD's wear feminine clothing for sexual purposes! When my wife was alive I sometimes wore feminine clothing during sex, but only because she asked me to!

As Karren said, if you like it then do it. If you don't like it, find something else to do! Just keep your guilt to yourself!

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I also read that article a long time ago during my denial days. Looking back at the article it makes me thankful I've found this site.

[AmberLynn]

I just read thru this artical and i have to say, what a tool. he could not find happiness him self so he want's to self destruct the entire crossdressing commuinty? There is some truth in the Masterbation with fem cloth's as a teen with some cd's im sure. and some people see it as "going aginst the grain" but i do see the hideing for most of us.

Im not going to put any stock in that artical,if it make's you feel good and it's not hurting anyone i say do it. If joe public dont like it guess what,there a 360 degree view in the world and im taking up 1% dont like the view look somewhere eles :hugs:

[Frédérique]

It's quite and in depth article and I can identify with many of the points made. It has set me thinking ( and worried me) about how I go forward

Damn the worries and full speed ahead!!! I read the article…


I think that cross dressing has a "dark side." There are a lot of behaviors connected with it that aren't healthy at all. Aside from being fraught with secrecy, guilt and diminished self-esteem, a CD's life can get out of control. Many CDs become obsessed with their self-feminization. Some lose all sense of judgment, balance, and perspective. Some let their cross dressing jeopardize important personal relationships and responsibilities. Some let the desire to dress turn them into social pariahs who reject the straight world entirely and rely solely on other CDs for companionship, direction, and support. Some CDs come to swim in an exclusive cross dressing milieu. That milieu sometimes exhibits a herd mentality which uses peer pressure to challenge its members to press envelopes and engage in activities that aren't altogether wise or salutary.

Well, of course it has a “dark” side, which only means it has a “light” side as well. You’re looking at it! Someone out there doesn’t like the idea of crossdressing, so everyone else has to hear about it. I feel sorry for the person who wrote this article, because this “someone” has no idea of the whole picture of crossdressing – it’s a disease, everyone, and here’s how to cure it, blah, blah…

I would suggest reading every article about crossdressing, then reject them all and tap into your own feelings, because, in the end, that’s all that matters in this crazy world. I have a lot of art books, and most of them are written by highly educated well-meaning people that don’t know what end of the paintbrush to grab. How do I know this? Because I’m an actual artist, and I can spot verbosity for its own sake immediately. I suspect the author of this article thinks they are doing society a service, but in reality they are herding societal outcasts into an area where they can be more easily targeted for ridicule and rejection. And I smell something else – the pungent odor of those particular members of society that have been making life hard for all free-thinkers for the past 2000 years (guess who?). They want us all to think alike, so we can be more easily exploited for the purposes of increasing their power and influence. Notice the words that crop up in these articles – "some" and "many," for example, yet, if you even browse this site for a few minutes you will find many, many lifestyles and viewpoints that negate this spurious, ill-conceived and inflammatory article. Look around and feel GOOD about crossdressing – don’t listen to anyone outside of this (our) particular “envelope” (GOD, how these pseudo-intellectuals love to employ that overused chestnut)…:doh:


Cross dressing is not only a symbolic rejection of a socially assigned gender role. It is also a highly sexual act. Most CDs get their start by combining elements of pubescent cross dressing with a great deal of private masturbation.

Wrong -- DEAD wrong, in my case! I can only safely and accurately talk about myself, but everything covered in the above two sentences does not apply to my particular brand of crossdressing. Why has my happy-go-lucky existence as a transvestite been ignored? I know why, because it doesn’t fit into their plans for societal cleansing – is it any wonder that I stay far away from any organized thinking? See what happens – you’re all set to have some fun (for a change, perhaps), and along come the guardians of societal correctness to spoil the party. Someone should write an article titled “The Sunny Side Of Crossdressing” – that would be more like it, but I guarantee you few people will ever get to read it, as long as the Thought Police are allowed to “edit” reality…

I’m sorry you read this “dark” article, Susan – please continue as if nothing happened…

[PetiteDuality]

Yes, maybe the article is old and I certainly don't agree or feel identified by many things said in there.

However, I think that is plain stupid to deny that crossdressing can actually have a dark side. And you can actually read a lot about the dark side in this forum: broken marriages. Guilt. Loneliness. Self centered people. Obsessions. Inadequate relationships. Etc, etc, etc.

Of course, many people suffer things like that without being crossdressers. But many of us suffer some of them because of crossdressing.

I know that this is a support forum, but support does not imply to remove the ugly faces that crossdressing might have. Support is to tell the truth ans share experiences about how to be happy with whatever choice we take, including taking responsibility for our decisions.

[susant]

Thank you for taking the interest in reading and contributing to this thread.Your posts have certainly got me thinking and trying to reason out whether to go forward ( or indeed not going forward) with my dressing.
One points that has come up in some of the posts and indeed in many of the threads in this forum is the the need to tell your spouse. I think there
are several senarios and questions to be answered.
If you are sure that your spouse will accept do you share?
It would seem that the obvious answer would be yes.
If you are not sure, do you share?
It's a big risk. It can work out but if it doesn't and your marriage and life is ruined is it worth the risk?
If you know for sure that your spouse will not or is not capable of accepting your crossdressing what do you do?

Is it disrespecting not to tell your spouse in this case?
I am a hetrosexual, who is a happy as a male and have no desire to change sex. I have no desire to dress in public and only wish to dress in a private and relatively discreete way that I hope hurts nobody including myself.
I find it hard to put all the thoughts in my down in writing and so some of the above does not totally come out the way I want it to.
I deeply value your thoughts , opinions and advice.

Love
Susan

[sherri]

If you know for sure that your spouse will not or is not capable of accepting your crossdressing what do you do?

You hide it from her, eventually get caught and deal with the consequences; or,
you reach an agreement with her wherein you do it but she doesn't want anything to do with it, which probably won't satisfy either one of you; or,
you walk away from CDing and don't look back.



Is it disrespecting not to tell your spouse in this case?How would you feel if your wife hid a secret of this magnitude from you, if she deliberately did things you strongly disapprove of behind your back? Would you feel disrespected? And wouldn't disrespected just be the tip of the iceberg?


I am a hetrosexual, who is a happy as a male and have no desire to change sex. I have no desire to dress in public and only wish to dress in a private and relatively discreete way that I hope hurts nobody including myself.But of course you know all that is subject to change once you get the ball rolling, right? From your present vantage point, it's hard to tell where the yellow brick road may lead. For the majority of us, CDing is progressive in nature and behavior, including (at least for some of us) a shift in sexual orientation. I only mention the latter because you did, and to indicate just how unforeseen and far-reaching the changes can be.

******************

I'm not trying to dissuade you from dressing, but you seem to be earnest in deciding what to do. My comments are only meant to help you make an honest, realistic assessment of your situation. They're based on experience, not any sense of superiority. If there's a mistake to be made, I've probably made it.

[busker]

The author based the article , at least in part, on 2 studies, one by Richard Docter "Transvestites and Transexuals: toward a theory of Cross-Gender Behavior (NY: Plenun, 1988) and the other by Richard Stoller "Presentation of Gender" (1986). If you checked all the links at the bottom of the article--3 actually work--you will find parts of the studies reproduced.
Whether you agree or not doesn't change the results of the study. Those who disagree are of course encouraged to do their own studies, but to just tell someone, "if you enjoy, do it". That is an irresponsible comment to make. suppose Susant has said "I like herion"--well, if you like and you're not hurting anyone, do it. Each reader sees the article through their own bias the same way that see CDing through their own bias.Advice should be constructive, not "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead". That's what one expects from children. If some members of the forum don't care to discover why they are the people they are, that's is certainly their right, but don't foist that on other members who are trying to find out.
Mandrake

[susant]

Sherri,
I appeciate your comments and advice. My appointment is in 2 weeks time.For me its a big step . I just want to be sure that it is right for me, and in the meantime to reflect, step back a little and take on board advice given and if it is not right I can always cancel.

Susan

[sheidelmeidel]

I think Sherri and Busker have summed it up very well. And it is not a question of guilt, so much as responsibility. Those girls who deny the existence of a dark side should look at Susan's situation and realize that the dark side is staring them in the face, because Susan could destroy her marriage and crush her wife if she makes the wrong choices. And here is another thread from Ally H who also has a difficult situation:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=119877

If you are a single girl and don't have obligations to others besides yourself, then you are free to follow your heart's desires and forget about everything else, but if you tell someone like Susan to do the same, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution.

I don't mean to sound harsh or offend anyone, but this is a serious situation. Susan wants real answers and she deserves to get them. :straightface:

[sherri]

Sherri,
I appeciate your comments and advice. My appointment is in 2 weeks time.For me its a big step . I just want to be sure that it is right for me, and in the meantime to reflect, step back a little and take on board advice given and if it is not right I can always cancel.

SusanYou're welcome, and you're right, it does have the potential to be a very big step. I wish the best for you and your wife. :)

[baby beluga]

Aside from being fraught with secrecy, guilt and diminished self-esteem, a CD's life can get out of control. Many CDs become obsessed with their self-feminization. Some lose all sense of judgment, balance, and perspective. Some let their cross dressing jeopardize important personal relationships and responsibilities. Some let the desire to dress turn them into social pariahs who reject the straight world entirely and rely solely on other CDs for companionship, direction, and support. Some CDs come to swim in an exclusive cross dressing milieu. That milieu sometimes exhibits a herd mentality which uses peer pressure to challenge its members to press envelopes and engage in activities that aren't altogether wise or salutary.

this is 100% right.

however the rest of the page is pretty stupid.

[ReineD]

If you are not sure, do you share?
It's a big risk. It can work out but if it doesn't and your marriage and life is ruined is it worth the risk?
If you know for sure that your spouse will not or is not capable of accepting your crossdressing what do you do?

Susan, I followed a link above into a similar thread from a newcomer who was also unsure if he should tell his wife. I responded in the other thread and I will simply post my response link (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1943016&postcount=20), since my advice to you is the same.

Good luck! :hugs:

[Vicky_Scot]

Yes, maybe the article is old and I certainly don't agree or feel identified by many things said in there.

However, I think that is plain stupid to deny that crossdressing can actually have a dark side. And you can actually read a lot about the dark side in this forum: broken marriages. Guilt. Loneliness. Self centered people. Obsessions. Inadequate relationships. Etc, etc, etc.

Of course, many people suffer things like that without being crossdressers. But many of us suffer some of them because of crossdressing.

I know that this is a support forum, but support does not imply to remove the ugly faces that crossdressing might have. Support is to tell the truth ans share experiences about how to be happy with whatever choice we take, including taking responsibility for our decisions.

Many CD/TG forums, websites tend to attack members/people who address the darker side of dressing as unsupportive. This is nonesense because what are we acheiving by ignoring what is real and apparent.

This forum itself has been at times guilty of this and remove posts that because the majority find it unsupportive, what about the one or two members that find it helpful.

IMO it is unacceptable for someone to think that telling the truth about something on a forum like this (as long as it is in a adult manner) is wrong. It does not help to tell someone you look great if they don't. It does not help to to tell someone it will be alright just so you do not upset them.

I would appreciate someone telling me the truth rather than lying to me just so they do not upset me or the majority of the members. The darkside exist.....lets be adult enough to discuss it or be allowed to discuss it.

[Maria2004]

The only dark side to crossdressing are expectations and justifications. If you live with expectations you'll either be pleasantly surprised or bitterly disappointed, then there are the justifications and explanations which only matter if you have expectations. I like my coffee with cream and sugar and there are people who have strong opinions on that, maybe even put a bullet through my head for it, oh well, I'm going to enjoy my coffee with cream and sugar.

[Josey]

I'm in Stephanie's camp! Karen also makes wisdom on the subject. If you like it, do it!

[Angie G]

I don't put much in those studies or what ever. I also don't read much into my dressing I love to do it, It makes my feel good, It feels good It's as my wife says it's who you are.So let it be and enjoy.:hugs:
Angie

[LaurenB]

Dark side is a bit strong. Crossdressing isn't Heroin or even gambling. It is somewhat sexual to some but whatever...everything is sexual on some level. Yes there are those who take every activity to an Obssessive Compulsive extreme. For them, everything has a dark side. To even refer to it as a "Dark Side" conjures thoughts of evil.

Moreover your uneasiness about your appointment probably has more to do with your internal cycles and natural anxiety. Call them and reschedule. I find that I go through highs and lows in my CD world. Sometimes my female altpers is such a friend and other time I just the don't have time for her or the timing just doesn't work. I find I actually enjoy it more when I take a break from it for a while. That's what's really called being balanced.

Don't let opinions of others push your buttons. Use your intuition and gut to guide you.

Be Well - Lauren

[Wen4cd]

There is a potential 'dark side' to everything. Whether one choses to focus on negativity. Some find it 'fun' I guess to be pessimistic and negative.

What the author is saying is no 'new discovery.' It's not even, slightly, a 'let's face the facts' essay. It's just saying "here is the worst possible way you can look at something. Join me in despair."

Ok, let's play along and take his view on life....

When I go shopping at Christmas, there are these guilt-ridden lost souls ringing bells and collecting change at the door to the grocery store. They are, of course, just trying to compensate for their inner flaws.

I don't follow the 'party line' that they are trying to be good people and help others, cos I'm too smurt. They are just trying to alleviate guilts and their evil, perverted natures.

Same with that boy-scout helping the blind lady cross the street. That little prick probably has dirty, filthy desires sometimes when he's all alone in bed, and he just helps people cross the street to compensate, to hold up the illusion that he's not a sick, flawed person in disguise. If he really was perfect, he'd have no evil desires.

And me working at my job, damn. I feel guilty about it. I only do it to get money, and to practice interacting with other people. I'm so selfish. I should tell my boss that I'm not going to live in denial anymore, that I will be as miserable at work as is my right to be, just so I don't bolster the illusion that I like my job.

And my best friend, what a jerk-wad. He is only my friend because he gets something from me. There is something he feels that he personally lacks and being around me fulfills that need in him. If I didn't give him whatever it is that he values in our friendship, he wouldn't stay friends with me. What kind of friend is that? What a selfish prick. He should love me simply for who I am, even if I was just an inanimate lump of coal, and not for what I share in the relationship.

It's the same with me. I personally gain something from his friendship as well, that he has and I don't. We should probably never speak again.


...Yeah, you see where it leads you, every time. It almost always leads back to something like "man is inherently evil. Wish I was dead, better off alone." It's a pretty much pointless view to hold on to. Yet some people can't or won't get past it. They're just projecting their own insecurity onto everything they see. They're not raining on my parade, only their own.

[suchacutie]

I have to say this article and all those like it remind me of the many, many articles in the last 15 years about video games and their effect on those who get lost in them. I'm sure one could find examples about every "obsession" we have. If we are lucky to be able to have an obsession that is also our life's vocation it's grand until it takes away from the rest of life and then it can lead to divorce or worse.

Any obsession that keeps us from the balance of life will be a problem. Could CDing become a negative obsession? Sure. So can hockey (:) sorry, couldn't help it Karen!), and so can playing a musical instrument to the detriment of the rest of life.

Life is balance, and whatever keeps us from balance is not positive. I'm sure many of us here would say that our feminine selves help us maintain a superb balance in most of life!

tina

[ReineD]

What the author is saying is no 'new discovery.' It's not even, slightly, a 'let's face the facts' essay. It's just saying "here is the worst possible way you can look at something. Join me in despair."

Wen, I respect your opinion a great deal, but I feel I need to speak up in defense of the article's author. I don't think she is spewing as much negativity as you say. As she points out, she is not a professional and she just isn't very good about developing her argument.

In her first paragraph the author mentions CDing as being healthy and therapeutic and says she disagrees, but because of its dark side that she speaks of in her second paragraph. She is not entirely wrong. It is healthy for CDs to express who they are but if they engage in the behaviors she describes (which many CDs do), then it does have its dark side as with everything else. The author does point out the ideal is to enjoy and achieve balance.

The author then goes on to describe the shame that CDs experience and why society has its bias against the CDing. She does not tell us anything new, but nevertheless her observations are accurate.

I do disagree with her claim that CDing is a 'highly sexual act'. Although this may be true in the beginning and certainly it remains so for fetish CDs, it does change over time for most others. The author did not specify this even though she did speak of the sexual aspect in conjunction with pubescent CDing. I also disagree with the author's statement that CDing is a compulsion. I see it rather as a necessity much the same as the need to eat. But even food can become a compulsion if overindulgence leads to having adverse effects in other life areas. I believe this to be the very real aspect the author is warning against.

I took the article as a warning against giving in to every whim and fantasy despite their effects on loved ones and not as a warning that people shouldn't CD. The author's weakness is an inability to carry through her original idea (see the article's subtitle) in providing advice on how to achieve balance. Instead her writing focused on the difficulties in doing this, and although I do not believe it is her intent, she does give the impression that everyone who CDs does so to the point of compulsion.

[susant]

I think that cross dressing has a "dark side." There are a lot of behaviors connected with it that aren't healthy at all. Aside from being fraught with secrecy, guilt and diminished self-esteem, a CD's life can get out of control. Many CDs become obsessed with their self-feminization. Some lose all sense of judgment, balance, and perspective. Some let their cross dressing jeopardize important personal relationships and responsibilities. Some let the desire to dress turn them into social pariahs who reject the straight world entirely and rely solely on other CDs for companionship, direction, and support. Some CDs come to swim in an exclusive cross dressing milieu. That milieu sometimes exhibits a herd mentality which uses peer pressure to challenge its members to press envelopes and engage in activities that aren't altogether wise or salutary.

At the time of reading, this second paragraph started the alarm bells ringing for me. Yes I am being secretative regarding my (very limited ) cross dressing.If I proceed further will I feel guilty? I probably won't know until or if it happens.If I proceed, will my CDing get out of control and will I become obsessed with self-femization. I feel I can control things ...but as has been said in an earlier post "who knows where the yellow brick road leads".
I have been on this forum a lot over the last few weeks my PC has never had as much use. Could, what I feel is my quest to find answers to how I feel and what I do, be construed as relying solely on other CDs for companionship?

[ReineD]

Susan, I'm afraid that if you don't tell your SO you will feel as if you need to keep a lid on the CDing and it will take on a greater sense of urgency than it might otherwise. It might become the proverbial forbidden pleasure. If you can allow yourself to experience this openly, then hopefully you won't get into looking forward to being alone in order to express yourself. The larger danger is a wish to isolate within your relationship because you do not feel free to be who you are.

Your quest for answers is perfectly natural and should not be construed as anything more than what it is. And the best way to find answers is to go out there and do it, with your SOs knowledge, and see how if feels for you.

[Wen4cd]

Wen, I respect your opinion a great deal, but I feel I need to speak up in defense of the article's author. I don't think she is spewing as much negativity as you say. As she points out, she is not a professional and she just isn't very good about developing her argument.

In her first paragraph the author mentions CDing as being healthy and therapeutic and says she disagrees, but because of its dark side that she speaks of in her second paragraph. She is not entirely wrong. It is healthy for CDs to express who they are but if they engage in the behaviors she describes (which many CDs do), then it does have its dark side as with everything else. The author does point out the ideal is to enjoy and achieve balance.

The author then goes on to describe the shame that CDs experience and why society has its bias against the CDing. She does not tell us anything new, but nevertheless her observations are accurate.

I do disagree with her claim that CDing is a 'highly sexual act'. Although this may be true in the beginning and certainly it remains so for fetish CDs, it does change over time for most others. The author did not specify this even though she did speak of the sexual aspect in conjunction with pubescent CDing. I also disagree with the author's statement that CDing is a compulsion. I see it rather as a necessity much the same as the need to eat. But even food can become a compulsion if overindulgence leads to having adverse effects in other life areas. I believe this to be the very real aspect the author is warning against.

I took the article as a warning against giving in to every whim and fantasy despite their effects on loved ones and not as a warning that people shouldn't CD. The author's weakness is an inability to carry through her original idea (see the article's subtitle) in providing advice on how to achieve balance. Instead her writing focused on the difficulties in doing this, and although I do not believe it is her intent, she does give the impression that everyone who CDs does so to the point of compulsion.

Yeah, I got a slightly different vibe. Hard to explain. I did feel the pain of the author. I did hear the plea for balance and positive points of view. The article might as well have been titled 'please help me find balance' instead of what it is.

What bothers me isn't the 'accuracy' of the argument, (if there is one,) and not even so much the fact that she dressed up and anonymized a re-hashing of her own developmental life as that of a 'typical CDer," and attempted to apply it across the board. It's really the idea that the author scorns the very things that are most likely to save her from her apparent cyclic fate.

The sexual nature of CDing is something that I can't really speak on from experience. It never was this way for me, but what the author says is something I've heard related from others as well. (I do have personal 'kinks,' but they lay elsewhere.) But in general, I think that all fantasy, and especially sexual fantasy, have underlying symbolic meaning.

The author's over-frequent talk of sex and masturbation is not what offends me, (Although the term 'masturbate' appears a whopping 21 times in various forms in the article. The term 'identity:' zero times. This is pretty telling.)

It's her clear disdain for 'fantasy' in general that bothers me.
I feel she's condemning herself, (and her readers) with that thinking, since the thing she scorns most (being fantasy) is the very thing that would, if explored and understood, free her from this Pavlovian pleasure-response cycle she feels trapped in. Somewhere hidden in her fantasy life is the answer to the guilt, the keys to balance, and built-in coping skills, everything she is lacking. She is begging for it to come from an external source, from the CD community, when it can only come from within. But by her view, there is no 'within.' There is only masturbation and pleasure-feedback loops.

The author, (as a 'he' crossdresser,) possibly is indeed lacking in balance or discernment to some degree, and probably feels like a rat chasing cheese in a maze, totally helpless. He probably doesn't like himself for this very much.

But I'd be willing to wager that this "private fantasy "self" that he brings out" has no such compunctions. He could learn from her how to be balanced, and he would be answered. He would find the answers within, through 'her,' if he could just see her as something important instead of a 'masturbatory enhancement device.'

But to him, she is 'fake,' a product built upon mere fantasy, which is also 'fake.' Therein lies the trap. He's 'towing the party line' if he gives the slightest credence to thinking otherwise, so it's a no-go.

It's the same process with the notion of 'society.' He apparently has no problem personifying his own shadow self perception, calling it 'society,' and treating it as a real entity that harshly judges him for his behavior. Why can't the next step beyond that occur? Why can't the inner parts that love and value also be given name and affirmation?

It's because it's much easier to feel hated than it is to feel loved, and to feel worthy of being loved. You don't have to do anything to feel hated, you can do it all alone if you want. But love, by nature, feels like it must be earned and deserved to be 'real' and without guilt. It requires loving back, and feeling grateful. Love is harder to accept than it is to give, especially when you're not happy with yourself. I hope the author eventually found it, somewhere.

[ReineD]

It's because it's much easier to feel hated than it is to feel loved, and to feel worthy of being loved. You don't have to do anything to feel hated, you can do it all alone if you want. But love, by nature, feels like it must be earned and deserved to be 'real' and without guilt. It requires loving back, and feeling grateful. Love is harder to accept than it is to give, especially when you're not happy with yourself.

No truer words have been spoken, Wen. You've said it beautifully. :hugs:

You were able to see much more in the article than I did. I'm looking at it as an outsider, as a warning to not get into the 'pink fog' since this is bound to make relationships with loved ones difficult. I agree with engaging in fantasy as a way to work through blocks. I am working towards improving my own ability to do this. But the key words for me in her article were "a self-induced fantasy oblivious to consequences", with a focus on the compulsion aspect, not the fantasy.

This brings us back to the OP's question. She fears that giving in to her need for self-expression will turn into an obsession. I've attempted an answer, but frankly I am the least qualified person here to give one. Does the nature of CDing lead to obsession? How does one control this? I suppose no one can answer this for anyone else.

[Amanda B]

Hi Susan T. Northern Ireland, a nice place but it was wet when I was there in July this year. I live in New Zealand and recently had a holiday over there. Funny enough though, while away from NZ for 8 weeks I saw a few transgirls walking about, two were in Belfast. Every day I go out in Auckland (in boy mode) and I see literally hundreds of crossdressers. All of them are women, ladies in jeans, trousers, jackets and even some wearing ties. I also know transgirls that go out dressed like women crossdresers, in jeans etc. So who or what is a crossdresser? Anyway, I would suggest that missing your "dressing" appointment could be one of those things that you will regret. Go for it, enjoy it and have fun. Remember the person running the business will not be judgemental in anyway, its her business and she will be wanting your money. Personally I have never ever had any retailer person, such as the ladies on the makeup counters turn me away or give me any stick at all. Mind you I tend not to deal with the teenager or say under 25 year old ones as they dont really have the maturity to help the 50 year old male buying lipstick. Enjoy yourself. Amanda XX

[Frédérique]

I also disagree with the author's statement that CDing is a compulsion. I see it rather as a necessity much the same as the need to eat. But even food can become a compulsion if overindulgence leads to having adverse effects in other life areas. I believe this to be the very real aspect the author is warning against.

The author may indeed have a problem with controlling compulsions, but that is no license to generalize about crossdressing. It would be good to see a balanced article about our collective lifestyles for a change – we’re all different, and some of us are quite comfy with things, so let’s see a more moderate individual display a broader, and more sympathetic, view of this topic…


At the time of reading, this second paragraph started the alarm bells ringing for me. Yes I am being secretative regarding my (very limited ) cross dressing.If I proceed further will I feel guilty? I probably won't know until or if it happens.If I proceed, will my CDing get out of control and will I become obsessed with self-femization. I feel I can control things ...but as has been said in an earlier post "who knows where the yellow brick road leads".

Really, dear, I wouldn’t worry about it. You need to dump any guilt, real or feared, overboard. If you feel you can control things, you will – you need to believe in yourself. I can’t comment on crossdressing within a relationship, and its effect on your SO, but I have never had any problems with CDing getting out of control. I’m probably just as secretive as you are, intentionally so, and I want to keep it that way. A teacher told me years ago that if you really want to do something, you’ll find the time (and the way) to do it – you can apply this epithet to crossdressing and learn to compartmentalize within a relationship for the benefit of both parties…


It's her clear disdain for 'fantasy' in general that bothers me.
But love, by nature, feels like it must be earned and deserved to be 'real' and without guilt. It requires loving back, and feeling grateful.

I guess there are some people that actually fear fantasy – I wonder how they get through life. :thinking: That being said, I think the crossdressing lifestyle (for many) embraces a loving “turn” towards all things. The state of mind that occurs simply by changing clothes is…well…beautiful. I mean, here we are, communicating with each other in a calm, loving manner – at least that’s how I like to see it. Rather than labeling our “compulsion” as a shameful trait that needs to be eliminated, or at least controlled, how about seeing it for what it is – a loving journey to the interior, stopping along the way to meet other “pilgrims” in our ongoing quest for gender integration…

[iwearstockings]

I don't see cross dressing as something to be feared. its part of you, be easy on yourself and accept yourself. Its not a crime! you have every right to feel good about it and it hurts no one.
If I were you I would go for the transformation experience as you will probably love it!

[sherri]

The author may indeed have a problem with controlling compulsions, but that is no license to generalize about crossdressing. It would be good to see a balanced article about our collective lifestyles for a change – we’re all different, and some of us are quite comfy with things, so let’s see a more moderate individual display a broader, and more sympathetic, view of this topic…Well, I think a broader, more balanced overview would have to take into account both scenarios -- controlled and healthy versus out of control and destructive. I've been hanging around this forum off and on for five years and I've seen abundant evidence both ways. I've also observed them in CDers I've known personally as well as in myself.


Really, dear, I wouldn’t worry about it. You need to dump any guilt, real or feared, overboard. You're absolutely right that there's nothing very constructive about guilt, and the best way to avoid it is to avoid destructive behavior. When one is in a serious relationship, that starts with consideration and honesty, right?


If you feel you can control things, you will – you need to believe in yourself. You put this very well. I mean, the majority of us probably do possess enough common sense to keep a handle on things. Of course, obsessive-compulsives are rarely willing to face up to their weakness. Know thyself, I guess.


learn to compartmentalize within a relationship for the benefit of both parties…That is an option, and a feasible one, but it's no slam-dunk. Thing is, it needs to be arranged on the table, not under it.


you have every right to feel good about it and it hurts no one.You're right, if you go about it the right way. As for hurting no one, well, that depends on your situation and how you handle it. Handled well, it can be great, but handled poorly it can screw up your life big time.


If I were you I would go for the transformation experience as you will probably love it!No doubt -- I mean, you rarely hear of someone coming away from a session saying, "That sucked, I really hated it." But that's not really the point in question here, is it?

[Satrana]

I am amused by the reactions to the article. The article is not meant to be balanced, it deliberately focuses on the possible traps that can lead to isolation and guilt because they are usually swept under the carpet. It is a helpful warning not a condemnation and it is supposed to be read in conjunction with the other articles on the site which describe positive angles.

As the author said this stuff is rarely discussed and predictably many here immediately dismissed the article out of hand for being outdated nonsense blah blah. There is a inherent fear in the CD community to discuss anything which shows CDing in less than favorable light. Well too bad, the article describes issues that are true and relevant for many CDs.

And if the article does not describe your own life story then simply say so but by that very admission you are in no position to then dismiss it or comment on its relevance to other CDs. It is as important to read this article as any positive article.

Or we can all just agree to ignore such warnings and go full steam ahead with everything that feels good. So tuck into those fatty foods, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and gambling, I would not want to spoil your fun.

[CherylFlint]

Okay, and? Let's talk about you. You enjoy dressing as a woman. Okay, works for me. Someone wrote that as long as you're kind to others and don't abuse animals, fine.
Okay, get dressed and go out and have fun. End of story.
(The way I see it, is that our "X's and Y's" got arranged in such a way that we like to crossdresss, and that's all there is to it.)

[borbiusle]

The article does bring up the sexual side of cross-dressing, something which is rarely discussed here but it's highly relevant to my interests. I can relate to alot of what he talks about in that article, as I've purged 3 times in my lifetime and when through periods of confusion and sexual exploration with my CD'ing. The author is a pessimist for sure but definitely not a whack-job.

[1danielle1]

"He will begin to spend money on clothing and items of women's apparel -- to heighten his arousal and spin new fantasy scenarios -- despite the fact that the money spent is really needed, or could be more productively used, for more useful or important things."

Now THAT is the truest statement in the article. The rest I really can't agree with.

And what's his deal with masturbation? Geez, get over it. Whack off if you want to. Have fun with life. :battingeyelashes:

[Satrana]

And what's his deal with masturbation? Geez, get over it. Whack off if you want to. Have fun with life.

It is ok to feel that way if your are single but if you have a SO or want to have one, you need to be aware of the possible pitfalls of over-indulging your fantasies to the exclusion of others. Some GGs complain that their sex life with their CD partner is non-existent because the CD is so preoccupied with fantasies. Sometimes this creates an unfortunate scenario where the CD cannot get aroused for his partner without dressing up. Imagine how hurtful that is to know your partner is not aroused by you.

This is a real phenomenon.