TG parents of children with special needs

[Jessica Brekke]

OK, this is a very specific issue and I don't know if anyone else is going through it, but I don't know where else to look.

I'm transgendered (MtF) and I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I need to transition at some point. The thing is, I have two small boys who are both on the autism spectrum. They're very high functioning (a term I hate, but I don't know how else to say it) and I think we have a very solid relationship.

I've been talking to their neuropsychiatrist -- who's been working with them both for years -- and while she's supportive of me doing what I need to do, she's concerned about how my children will react. Specifically, my older son, who is a very black and white thinker. There's no way to know, but it's very possible that he literally may not be able to accept me becoming a woman.

Her advice to me was to seek out other TG parents with autistic -- or special needs -- children, who might have some insight into what I might be in for and how best to help them adjust. Is anyone else here going through anything like this? Does anyone know anyone who is?

My heart feels like it's being torn in two. I can't deny who I am any longer, but at the same time I can't risk severely traumatizing the two people in the world I love most. Help!

[Teri Jean]

Jessica, you are a special person in thinking about how your children are going to react. I for one have a nephew who is also autistic and although he is much older he has been supportive in his own way. He did not deal with people well early in his life but has become quite independant as he grew up. This last halloween he wanted to dress as a woman for a group get together and di with his mom's help. He sees me every week dressed as I present as female everyday. He is kind and he doesn't think anything different about my changes. Now every individual is different as how they process the information, your children may do well as there is not a hard and fast rule. Only you can make that decission. I wish you the best.

Teri

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Jessica...my heart pours out to you and your family,

i don't have experience here so i can't say anything but to get the best help you can prior to making any transition decisions

[Karen564]

My heart feels like it's being torn in two. I can't deny who I am any longer, but at the same time I can't risk severely traumatizing the two people in the world I love most.

I know that feeling very well,

I have 2 daughters, ages 16 & 14, neither are autistic, but my youngest has developed many OCD phobias in recent years and it doesn't seem to be getting any better for her, she's been seeing a psychiatrist / therapist for just over 2 years now, but once she losses 1 phobia, she takes on a new one, and ever since my news of being transsexual came out to her, which was before I wanted her to know & knew it would be bad timing, all because she was right in the middle of puberty & had enough on her plate already, so I never intended to add any more stress in her life, but news got around regardless, which happened about 8 months ago, and now shes even worse, now I'm one of her phobias, and shes afraid to even touch me, or touch anything I touch, even sitting on a chair, for fear she may catch what I have, which I have assured her many times over that she wont..it doesn't work that way..

She also strongly wishes that I do not continue living as a woman and wants to see me back the way I was as her old dad, the man, but I have told her as much as I would like to make her wishes come true, that I cant do that, but I will always be her dad no matter what my outside appearance is, I'm still the same person underneath, just now much happier I can show my true self of how I had always felt inside..rather than be depressed & angry living a lie as a man..

But she refuses to see me as a woman, and even more upset that I will be pursuing an completely new career & going to college soon to get certified as a medical professional, which may also include nursing duties.. which disturbs her even more..
She also still upset about the fact that her parents gotten divorced, which has been 2 years now, & separated over 2 years prior to that.

My girls lived with me in the house they grew up in during the 2 year separation, but now have lived with their mother for the past 2 years so they could stay in the same town school, since I had to sell my old house & now rent a house in another town..
I have stayed with my girls every night at my Ex's place during the week because their mother works nights, but starting last week, I have not been with them, because their mom & youngest suggested I stay away for a while for an undetermined amount of time to give her a break from me, so hopefully that will help her and also help me at the same time..But regardless, it pains me to not be with them..I love & miss them very much...

My 16 year old daughter has been fine throughout all of this, and she has always shown her support and has also tried to keep the peace in the family, I feel bad for her because now of what has happened recently has taken me away from her, and she called me last night just to tell me she misses me ready, I told her I will pop in to see them time to time, and also told her I also miss her very much..
I guess the point I'm trying to make here is when we do become our true selves, it can cause a great division within our families, and it can even hurt the ones that support us..

Their ages at the time you tell them can also make a very big difference in how they may handle & cope with it, and is known that during puberty, is not a good time for this news, but one can never know how any child or adult will react, it's still a crap shoot..
And as for both myself & my therapist we both are in agreement that we must do the best we can for our children's sake & keep helping them in every way we can without hurting our own identity and theirs at the same time..which can to be a very difficult balancing act..

All the best to you & your family..
:love:

[Margot]

Jessica; I think you need to follow your child's therapist advice. Why dump more on your kids. You might have to sacrifice your own needs and wants for their needs. That's good parenting after all.
Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.
:hugs:
Margot

[Carroll]

I have a daughter that Persuasive disability disorder-not other-wise specified. (PDD-NOS), bordering on Asbergers. I have been dressing in front of her since she was born. Most of the time she has no issue with me dressing (she's now 8). However there times she wants her dad and not Carroll. She'll just tell be to take my hair off and put my bald hair on. You didn't say what age your children are, which might have a bearing on how to go about it

[Jessica Brekke]

Sorry, Carroll my boys are 6 & 7. I don't think going back and forth would be good for them, especially once the hormones kick in.

Karen, I'm so sorry to hear what's going on with you. Honestly, that's one of my worst fears: that my kids will find out by accident before they're ready. I hope you can be reunited with them, soon.

And just to be clear Margot, their therapist did not suggest I sacrifice who I am for my kids. She actually thinks that would be a disaster in the long run (I know from personal experience, that it would be). I was talking about my feelings, not what advice I've been given.

Thank you all for your thoughts and well wishes. :)