Biggest Fear

[Maryanne_sa]

Hi All,

I was diagnosed as a transexual back in the mid 90's. Actually, it was something that I knew anyway, but it was nice to have it confirmed. I took the decision not to go down the transition road at the time, as I still had daughters to educate, and needed to support the family financially.

However, I continued to dress appropriately whenever I could. My wife knew, (from soon after we were married), but was never able to come to terms with it. The result was a great deal of unhappiness for the both of us.
I tried to conceal it as best I could, but having to hide my clothes made it somehow feel dirty, which it was not.

To cut a long story short, the girls all graduated from University, and came over to work and live in England. Two are married, and the third has a boyfriend. We followed them over, as we wanted to be near them, and our first grandchild who arrived almost a year ago. He is a pure joy!

A few months ago, I took the deliberate decision to hang my clothes in my cupboard (closet), as I could no longer deny what I was. My wife for the past year has being going to therapy through Church. I grew my nails longer and shaped them. I also shaped my eyebrows, and had my legs and underarms waxed.

I also started going out dressed. I have travelled on public transport, buses and trains dressed, and have never had any problems. I think I mostly pass fine. This was of course, when my wife was out or at my daughters house baby sitting. I don't actually know if she knew that I went out.

My wife, in the meantime, told my eldest daughter, and she was very supportive of me, but wanted me to go on some church course, which would 'cure me' I refused.

However, things changed drastically on Tuesday when my wife told me that she was leaving me, at least until January, and then we would see what transpires. She could no longer handle the whole situation. I was devastated to say the least, and only slept for 3.5 hours that night. I also found out that she had told my two younger daughters a while ago.

Now, here is the wonderful thing. Once they knew that I knew they knew, they phoned me, said they loved me no matter what, and are there for me. Is that not fantastic? My fear of losing them disappeared immediately. I now also know that a lot of our friends know, but have told my wife that they love us both, and it wont change things. Is that not wonderful? I have yet to speak to them and tell them that I know they know, and of course to thank them.

They sad thing of course is that our marraige is over, although, in truth, it was over a long time ago. I know there will be no going back.

So, for me, the way forward is to go on hormones and start the transition process. Today, after the devastation of Tuesday, I feel so much better, knowing of all the love and support I have out there, and that I have finally taken the decision to become truelly what I am.

I am sorry that this is so long, but it truth, is very much the short version of my life.


Take care of yourselves!


Maryanne :)

[CharleneT]

Hi Maryanne,

Quite a bit in there. It sounds like a familiar story, unfortunately. While I know little of your marriage or life, I would not assume that they are both over. Your wife surely sounds like she wants out - but she also gave a time period for making such a decision. A good sign that she sees a way to renew your relationship. IF you want to try that, I would recommend that you two find a good couples therapist. Would be nice if that person was experienced in TG issues, but I do not think it is necessary. Right now you feel like a lot of pressure is off, you are "released" and your true self can come out. All true from what you've said. As these things play out, there are likely stumbling blocks ... watch carefully for 'em as they can surprise you.

You are lucky that your children are supportive, go gently there, remember it is still a bit of a shock to them. Leave them room for changing reactions. Good luck with all that is coming up !

Charlene

[GypsyKaren]

Well, I was scared to death of having my kids turn their backs on me when I started on my journey, and especially more so when I had my surgery, but they didn't. Kids have a way of seeing truth and of holding on to love, and it sounds like you have some pretty great ones. I do wish you luck and good things as you begin on your path, and remember that we are always here if you ever need anything.

Karen :g1:

[sheidelmeidel]

You have wonderful kids, yes, but I think CharleneT has really gotten it right here. Be careful of that initial rush of freedom you're experiencing now. Remember: "whatever goes up, must come down". :devil:

I personally don't think moving forward with HRT or anything permanent is appropriate until you know things are completely settled with your wife one way or the other. To do otherwise might complicate things immeasurably, both personally and legally.

:2c:

[Sharon]

Follow both your heart and your brain, Maryanne, and I am sure you will do what is best not only for your loved ones, but for you as well, whatever that decision may eventually be. I wish you all the best. :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Maryanne..

all the best to you and your family...i have teenage daughters, there is no question i've made their lives harder, but we love each other and we work through it together...not all good, but definitely not all bad.

you can always post thoughts and you will see that there are lots of women who have gone through your situation and there is alot to share..

[Maryanne_sa]

Thank you all for your comments, which do make valid points. I will wait and see what decision my wife does come to.

One good thing is that there is no anger on either side and my wife says she wants us to remain good friends,

We met for a drink after work today, and just chatted about how we were bearing up and day to day stuff, nothing heavy.So that was good.

It is going to take some while to get onto hormones, so I am going to start the process rolling. I am going to do it properly through a doctor, to ensure my health is properly looked after, and I take the right doses.

I don't honestly see us getting back together. It was very difficult for her to leave and the decision was not taken lightly. I will reassess if circumstances change.

Maryanne

[pamela_a]

Maryanne, I can only echo the advice you have already received. It's not an easy journey you're starting. Take it slowly and be sure, but also make sure you enjoy what you can.

Your wife still willing to talk to you is a good sigh. Just remember that she's facing just as much of a life changing event and you are and it's not one she asked for so give her time and don't give up on the relationship if there might be a chance.

All the best.:hugs:

-Pam-

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

one of many reasons why she left me. She didn't know of my being transsexual at the time, even I didn't know at the time. But she knows now and is not supportive, I don't care about her anymore, but the funny thing is my kids and other family are very supportive in every respect. It is liberating to be yourself and to be accepted.. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[Veronica_Jean]

Marianne,

I spend so many years worrying about how the children would react. In the end all three are my biggest supporters!!

Although it is wonderful to be yourself (nothing can compare), there is still the mundane everyday life we all live. Just enjoy the ability to live it being true to yourself!!

Good luck and as Karen said, we are all here for you should the need arise.

Veronica

[Maryanne_sa]

Dear all,

Thank you for your lovely words of support and advice. I am truelly amazed at the love and support I have had from family and friends, and from yourselves. I do know that it is a very difficult time for my wife as well. It is not a decision that she has taken lightly. She has suffered for a long, long time, not being able to accept what I am. She is truelly a martyr,and I am so, so sorry that I have caused her so much unhappiness. I truelly hope that she will find some happiness.

To day, I dressed as my true self and went on the underground (subway) into Central London to do some shopping. I bought a divine red coat, a purse and some underwear, all on a sale. I have discovered the joy of colours. I love my new coat! That said, I feel guilty about the fact that I felt happy, liberated, and in a sense, felt as though I was starting a new life. I know that it is early days, and there are difficult days ahead, and everyday life has to be lived. At least I will not be living it, feeling like a misfit.

Tomorrow, I meet my middle daugher for tea, and on Monday night, I have been invited to dinner with my youngest and her husband. Goodness knows what he thinks about all this. No doubt I will find out.

Love and hugs to all,

Maryanne.

[pamela_a]

I feel guilty about the fact that I felt happy, liberated, and in a sense, felt as though I was starting a new life

Maryanne, you have nothing about which to feel guilty, although I understand the feeling. For me the most difficult thing about the guilt was accepting it was OK for me to be happy about who I was.

Best of everything tomorrow and Monday with your daughters.

-Pam-

[Maryanne_sa]

A lot has happened since I last posted. I now know that for my wife, this seperation is permanent, and I accept and respect her decision.

I have met my middle and youngest daughters. Their major concern seemed to be that I would change from what they have known. They wanted to know if it was all a lie. I reassured them that I have always loved them dearly, and I am their father, and always will be. I did the very best for them that I could. They all have university degrees, and are successful young woman.Nothing will change my love for them.

A big surprise to me was that my son in law, husband of my youngest daughter is totally unfazed by the whole thing. He says we have always got on well, and like each others company, and that wont change. That is wonderful. We played many games of golf together.

Saying all the above, I wonder if they will all feel different when i do change physically. I will still have the same moral values, same personality etc, but physically, different.

Well this afternoon, I went to see my new doctor, who did not know about my being transexual. I went dressed, which I debated long and hard about, but I figured, I go everywhere else dressed, and I am going to speak to him about it, so decided to dress. I was a bit nervous but it all went fine. He was really nice about it all, and is writing to the Gender Reassignment unit at Charing Cross Hospital to arrange an appointment for me.

So things are moving along. Following on my assessment there, I will discuss everything with my wife and the girls, before I do anything. This will be unbelievably difficult, as I fear the consequences, but I will move ahead.


After the consult, I felt so calm and peacefull. It all felt so right.

Maryanne,