On Living Full Time

[melissacd]

As I work my way through my own personal journey I see things that put me in to a very reflective mode. I am still trying to decide if I can go 100% full time. There are some, though these days not many, obstacles to achieving that goal.

A thread that I saw here the other day triggered some of that reflection. The gist of the thread was whether or not a cross dresser participated in any female hobbies (at least I think that was the question). One GG pointed out that she did not consider there to be gender specific hobbies. I agree that technically there aren't, but I am sure through the lense of popular culture there still are, that is a different discussion than what I want to make a point about.

In my journey towards possibly going full time living as a female, many of my friends have said that it is only a matter of time before I start hormones and have various surgeries. I have stated to them that unlike transexuals who oftentimes know from a very young age that there is something wrong with their body and quite often I have heard them say that they could not stand to look at themselves naked because what they see in the mirror does not match what they see in their mind, in my case I have never had that issue and I still don't.

My issue has not been that I felt that I was in the wrong body but rather that I was not able to express the right mind. To wit, I am fine with my male body, I just do not like expressing myself within the constraints of being a male. In fact I abhor male clothing to such a degree that I got rid of it all.

I read an excellent article that talks about this issue which may be more common than I expected. The issue is that in my mind I feel feminine, not female, just feminine. I know that this is so subject to interpretation - one could argue what exactly does that mean and why would the two be different. I will do my best to explain.

I know that I am a male. Biologically I have no issue with that at all other than it makes looking femme more of a challenge. I have reached a point in my journey where I dress well enough and feel confident enough in my presentation that even though I do not look female I get by quite well out in public dressed that way. So I ask myself, if I can do all that I want to do without the extremes of hormones and surgeries (other than facial hair removal) then is there a need to go further than that?

At this point I do not see the need for the physiological changes, perhaps that will change in time, but for now I do not see the purpose.

To my point then. If I feel okay as a male and I can dress as a female as much as I want and go out into society that way successfully, which I have. If I am not concerned that people know that I am a male dressed as a female, then perhaps that is enough. Society has evolved enough that they will tolerate, perhaps not like, but at least tolerate that I do this. So that being the case, if I can live my life expressing the feminine ways that I feel (clothes, house decorating, reading materials that I like, places I like to go and shop, hobbies that I gravitate towards), if I can fully express my version of what is feminine then is that no different than what was said about there not really being any hobbies that are male or female. There really is no such thing, using that statement, that is male or female in terms of how we express ourselves other than the judgements that society at large place on expressing ourselves this way. So so long as we are willing and able to accept that we are swimming against the current then dressing and living your life as a female without taking the next step to surgery and hormones should be an acceptable lifestyle.

Perhaps I am trying to convince myself of this possibility. I have a girlfriend whom I love and who accepts this way that I am for the most part and if I can get past the last few obstacles in my life then I could live full time en femme.

Anyway, I am done for now, just curious to see what other thoughts or perhaps similar experiences there are out there.

Huggs
Melissa

[Kate Simmons]

The way I see it Melissa, it's partly us and convincing ourselves we can do this if we so desire and that is partly self perception but it also involves the perceptions of others. As you say society is changing and some attitudes are relaxing a bit. The thing is, if we truly want to be ourself, we will not care what others in general think and those who care about us we can make modifications as needed which are agreeable to both. It's like a friend of mine used to say on here. Those who mind, don't matter and those who matter don't mind. It's our journey and the till is in our hands in any case to take in the direction we choose.:)

[Byllie]

I share your feelings. I too wish I could dress daily in a more feminine manner, and I too am comfortable in a male body. I have often felt that the concept of "going all the way" or not, that is being a true transsexual, simply reinforces the false notion of two polar genders.

You are, as I see it, somewhere in the gender tapestry. For you, normal means, as you stated, being "feminine" full-time, but not "female". The former has to do with behavior and the latter with physical structures.

It's interesting that a major publication for the transgender community is called "Tapestry", don't ya think?

Byllie/Bill

[Kaitlyn Michele]

good for you melissa...if this is what you want then it'syour own normal and don't let others get to you..

you will of course deal with the consequences, just like we all do...your issue seems to be that you fear you wont be accepted..it seems unfair on one level that those us cursed with male bodies feel the need to alter it with drugs or surgery...it is unfair...but for me a HUGE part of being female is not just feeling feminine (also a huge part ), but actually being accepted as female...

for you its ok to feel feminine and to let people know you are male but like to look feminine...if you feel you are male, then you don't have to worry about all the shitty life details that TS folk worry about...

You have every right to be accepted and valued for your own internal sense of self.

There is amayor? in Oregon? that is a very flambouyant TG person...breast implants, fully crosddressed at all times..but is clearly male...you should look up his story ...it might resonate with how you feel about yourself!!

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Melissa,

WOW! .... rarely have a seen a post that so matches almost exactly how I feel :hugs: The first half of your post and specifically:


My issue has not been that I felt that I was in the wrong body but rather that I was not able to express the right mind. To wit, I am fine with my male body, I just do not like expressing myself within the constraints of being a male. In fact I abhor male clothing to such a degree that I got rid of it all. .......... The issue is that in my mind I feel feminine, not female, just feminine.

and also where you said:


If I feel okay as a male and I can dress as a female as much as I want and go out into society that way successfully, which I have. If I am not concerned that people know that I am a male dressed as a female, then perhaps that is enough.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel too. I know I am a genetic male but I also feel that I am like no other male I know. I also feel that I am not like a lot of crossdressers I know either. I used to think that perhaps I was TS, but having spent a lot of time around TS women and that I have some that I call my close friends, I really don't think I'm TS either.

So what am I and what should I do about it? I came to the conclusion that, just as you wrote, if I'm okay as a male, and I can dress as a female as much as I want and go out into society that way successfully, then perhaps that is enough. I don't need to go on hormones or have surgery. Ok, FFS would be nice and it would help me pass better but just like hormones etc, it's not a burning desire for me. I am going to have some electrolysis on my face soon (I've already had 9 sessions of laser) but for me the crux of my situation is presenting as "female enough" so that in public people are comfortable enough to treat me as a woman. At the moment, I don't seem to stand out too much and (so far anyway) I've had no incidents.

Can I and should I do this full time? ... well, for me, not completely. I am not interested in pushing the envelope at work. At work I dress in unisex looking girls clothes and I have a little bit of a nerdy, girly look about me. Certainly I don't look very masculine. Everyone seems fine with this, including me. Outside of work though I find that I'm not happy unless I am feeling at least somewhat more feminine which usually means presenting either fully en femme or as a rather feminine looking guy openly wearing girls clothes (girls jeans, tees, and cardigans etc).

I too have an SO that is ok with me being like I am. She tells me that she feels the same way about me whether I'm dressed fully or as a girly looking guy mixing masculine and feminine signals. She (like me) wants me to "keep all my parts" and has no issues kissing me and being affectionate toward me (just as she would normally do to her husband) when I am fully dressed .... she just doesn't do this in public as it draws attention (I think this happens only because people aren't used to seeing public displays of affection in same sex relationships and that's what at first glance it looks like).

So for me, the bottom line is, if I were to present as female full time (outside of work) I would get less affection from my wife when we are in public and that I would probably have to come out to my neighbors as I'm sure they would figure something out about the lack of "the husband" being around, but other than that it is probably "do-able" ... if I want to :)

Hugs
Rachel

[melissacd]

I thank you all of the wonderful feedback. Rachel you are one of the people that I look up to, like a big sister showing me the way, so to hear you say these words is very much appreciated.

I feel that I am starting to move in to a comfort zone with my transgenderism, in fact I had a visit from one of my TS friends last night and she said that she has reached a point where she does not see herself as a transitioned person. She has become so normalized in her way of life that she just feels like she is being her authentic self where gender issues are just a small part of all of the fabric of who she is, she is just being herself. I said to her that I am feeling much the same way for the most part and I knew that if I could just get past these last few hurdles that I would start to move in to the same space as her in that it would just be totally normal for me to get up everyday and get ready in whatever way I wanted to dress and it would just be the normal authentic me.

[Katesback]

I am a firm believer in you either do it or ya dont. Whatever your choice you should be happy!