melissacd
11-21-2009, 10:14 AM
As I work my way through my own personal journey I see things that put me in to a very reflective mode. I am still trying to decide if I can go 100% full time. There are some, though these days not many, obstacles to achieving that goal.
A thread that I saw here the other day triggered some of that reflection. The gist of the thread was whether or not a cross dresser participated in any female hobbies (at least I think that was the question). One GG pointed out that she did not consider there to be gender specific hobbies. I agree that technically there aren't, but I am sure through the lense of popular culture there still are, that is a different discussion than what I want to make a point about.
In my journey towards possibly going full time living as a female, many of my friends have said that it is only a matter of time before I start hormones and have various surgeries. I have stated to them that unlike transexuals who oftentimes know from a very young age that there is something wrong with their body and quite often I have heard them say that they could not stand to look at themselves naked because what they see in the mirror does not match what they see in their mind, in my case I have never had that issue and I still don't.
My issue has not been that I felt that I was in the wrong body but rather that I was not able to express the right mind. To wit, I am fine with my male body, I just do not like expressing myself within the constraints of being a male. In fact I abhor male clothing to such a degree that I got rid of it all.
I read an excellent article that talks about this issue which may be more common than I expected. The issue is that in my mind I feel feminine, not female, just feminine. I know that this is so subject to interpretation - one could argue what exactly does that mean and why would the two be different. I will do my best to explain.
I know that I am a male. Biologically I have no issue with that at all other than it makes looking femme more of a challenge. I have reached a point in my journey where I dress well enough and feel confident enough in my presentation that even though I do not look female I get by quite well out in public dressed that way. So I ask myself, if I can do all that I want to do without the extremes of hormones and surgeries (other than facial hair removal) then is there a need to go further than that?
At this point I do not see the need for the physiological changes, perhaps that will change in time, but for now I do not see the purpose.
To my point then. If I feel okay as a male and I can dress as a female as much as I want and go out into society that way successfully, which I have. If I am not concerned that people know that I am a male dressed as a female, then perhaps that is enough. Society has evolved enough that they will tolerate, perhaps not like, but at least tolerate that I do this. So that being the case, if I can live my life expressing the feminine ways that I feel (clothes, house decorating, reading materials that I like, places I like to go and shop, hobbies that I gravitate towards), if I can fully express my version of what is feminine then is that no different than what was said about there not really being any hobbies that are male or female. There really is no such thing, using that statement, that is male or female in terms of how we express ourselves other than the judgements that society at large place on expressing ourselves this way. So so long as we are willing and able to accept that we are swimming against the current then dressing and living your life as a female without taking the next step to surgery and hormones should be an acceptable lifestyle.
Perhaps I am trying to convince myself of this possibility. I have a girlfriend whom I love and who accepts this way that I am for the most part and if I can get past the last few obstacles in my life then I could live full time en femme.
Anyway, I am done for now, just curious to see what other thoughts or perhaps similar experiences there are out there.
Huggs
Melissa
A thread that I saw here the other day triggered some of that reflection. The gist of the thread was whether or not a cross dresser participated in any female hobbies (at least I think that was the question). One GG pointed out that she did not consider there to be gender specific hobbies. I agree that technically there aren't, but I am sure through the lense of popular culture there still are, that is a different discussion than what I want to make a point about.
In my journey towards possibly going full time living as a female, many of my friends have said that it is only a matter of time before I start hormones and have various surgeries. I have stated to them that unlike transexuals who oftentimes know from a very young age that there is something wrong with their body and quite often I have heard them say that they could not stand to look at themselves naked because what they see in the mirror does not match what they see in their mind, in my case I have never had that issue and I still don't.
My issue has not been that I felt that I was in the wrong body but rather that I was not able to express the right mind. To wit, I am fine with my male body, I just do not like expressing myself within the constraints of being a male. In fact I abhor male clothing to such a degree that I got rid of it all.
I read an excellent article that talks about this issue which may be more common than I expected. The issue is that in my mind I feel feminine, not female, just feminine. I know that this is so subject to interpretation - one could argue what exactly does that mean and why would the two be different. I will do my best to explain.
I know that I am a male. Biologically I have no issue with that at all other than it makes looking femme more of a challenge. I have reached a point in my journey where I dress well enough and feel confident enough in my presentation that even though I do not look female I get by quite well out in public dressed that way. So I ask myself, if I can do all that I want to do without the extremes of hormones and surgeries (other than facial hair removal) then is there a need to go further than that?
At this point I do not see the need for the physiological changes, perhaps that will change in time, but for now I do not see the purpose.
To my point then. If I feel okay as a male and I can dress as a female as much as I want and go out into society that way successfully, which I have. If I am not concerned that people know that I am a male dressed as a female, then perhaps that is enough. Society has evolved enough that they will tolerate, perhaps not like, but at least tolerate that I do this. So that being the case, if I can live my life expressing the feminine ways that I feel (clothes, house decorating, reading materials that I like, places I like to go and shop, hobbies that I gravitate towards), if I can fully express my version of what is feminine then is that no different than what was said about there not really being any hobbies that are male or female. There really is no such thing, using that statement, that is male or female in terms of how we express ourselves other than the judgements that society at large place on expressing ourselves this way. So so long as we are willing and able to accept that we are swimming against the current then dressing and living your life as a female without taking the next step to surgery and hormones should be an acceptable lifestyle.
Perhaps I am trying to convince myself of this possibility. I have a girlfriend whom I love and who accepts this way that I am for the most part and if I can get past the last few obstacles in my life then I could live full time en femme.
Anyway, I am done for now, just curious to see what other thoughts or perhaps similar experiences there are out there.
Huggs
Melissa