Jaydee
11-21-2009, 04:50 PM
I am sorry this may be a long post. It has been a couple months since finally I admitted to my wife about my CDing. For over 30 years of marriage, I had been deeply in the closet. I truly was in the closet. I could never pass, and had never gone out of the house. No one knew and I never kept my stash in the house. I had always felt guilt and shame, but could never quit, even after a couple purges. I found this site a few years ago. The support of you all has helped me to feel better about myself. I read with interest your stories of similar attempts to come out to your SO’s, many only to crash and burn. Still, with the support here, I started on the road to coming out to her, taking baby steps and allowing time. It has been a perilous journey.
I started by wearing plain nylon panties, similar to many men’s styles. She didn’t like it at first and only asked that they be black with no lace. A year or so later I started wearing tights and pantyhose when she wasn’t around. She knew and wasn’t crazy about it, but they would go in the clothes hamper, and would wind up in my dresser. About a year ago I purchased some bras. She knew I have also been wearing them when she wasn’t around. They would also go in the hamper and get washed with the other laundry. She was definitely uncomfortable with the bras. She said that she didn’t understand why I would wear a bra since they represented “ultimate” femininity to her. She was hoping it was only a phase and would go away.
During this process, I had tried to open a conversation, but she wouldn’t talk about it. The situation finally came to a head a couple months ago. My doctor tested my testosterone (for other reasons) and found it very low. He prescribed daily gel applications. My wife was all in favor of it, in hopes that I would get rid of the bras and other stuff. During the conversation, I explained to her that I had had a life time desire to dress. That night we had a long discussion about it. I was very happy that she reacted calmly and didn’t kick me out or throw something, but she was very disturbed by it. I was on pins and needles. She asked the usual questions about being gay or wanting to be a woman. She wanted to know why. I couldn’t answer that, as I have never understood it myself. She never asked if it was more than lingerie, and I didn’t have nerve to mention it. I was afraid of overwhelming her.
The next few weeks were difficult. With her encouragement, I tried to do other research to see I could find a cause or explanation. I realized that every expert who looks at CDing has a theory about the cause, but no one has an answer. We have since talked about it on and off. She has asked questions that I have answered to the best of my ability. At her suggestion, I visited a gender therapist about a week ago. It was the first time I have discussed the CDing with anyone else other than my wife. It was a positive experience. He reassured me that I wasn’t crazy, but he didn’t have an answer to the question as to cause. We discussed many other aspects of helping me continue the process of coming out.
On last Tuesday, we made a real breakthrough. We spent a couple hours discussing it, over the course of our normal daily activities. I finally came out to her about the full extent of my CDing. She now sees the CDing as an addiction caused by a combination of biology and my early personal history (another story). She now accepts that it won’t go away (but remains hopeful that it will). She had felt that my CDing threatened her own sexuality, and was worried about what I would really do in the future. Since she now sees it as a fetish-like addiction, she feels less threatened. I can’t say she is thrilled about the whole thing, but it has given me a great relief.
In the short term, this is about the best outcome I could have hoped for. I know she is a long way from full acceptance and enthusiasm, but I am now hopeful that we are going in the right direction. I will do my best to be supportive and open, and not let the pink fog cloud my mind. I know it will be a long journey. I fully expect hills and valleys, but I think we have made a good start. If you are still reading this, I would like to thank all of you for you support and encouragement for helping us come this far. Coming out to your SO may not be the right answer for everyone, but I think I made the right decision for my wife and I. The downside of being found out accidentally would have been much worse. I do love her SO much.
Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Hugs to all,
Jaydee
I started by wearing plain nylon panties, similar to many men’s styles. She didn’t like it at first and only asked that they be black with no lace. A year or so later I started wearing tights and pantyhose when she wasn’t around. She knew and wasn’t crazy about it, but they would go in the clothes hamper, and would wind up in my dresser. About a year ago I purchased some bras. She knew I have also been wearing them when she wasn’t around. They would also go in the hamper and get washed with the other laundry. She was definitely uncomfortable with the bras. She said that she didn’t understand why I would wear a bra since they represented “ultimate” femininity to her. She was hoping it was only a phase and would go away.
During this process, I had tried to open a conversation, but she wouldn’t talk about it. The situation finally came to a head a couple months ago. My doctor tested my testosterone (for other reasons) and found it very low. He prescribed daily gel applications. My wife was all in favor of it, in hopes that I would get rid of the bras and other stuff. During the conversation, I explained to her that I had had a life time desire to dress. That night we had a long discussion about it. I was very happy that she reacted calmly and didn’t kick me out or throw something, but she was very disturbed by it. I was on pins and needles. She asked the usual questions about being gay or wanting to be a woman. She wanted to know why. I couldn’t answer that, as I have never understood it myself. She never asked if it was more than lingerie, and I didn’t have nerve to mention it. I was afraid of overwhelming her.
The next few weeks were difficult. With her encouragement, I tried to do other research to see I could find a cause or explanation. I realized that every expert who looks at CDing has a theory about the cause, but no one has an answer. We have since talked about it on and off. She has asked questions that I have answered to the best of my ability. At her suggestion, I visited a gender therapist about a week ago. It was the first time I have discussed the CDing with anyone else other than my wife. It was a positive experience. He reassured me that I wasn’t crazy, but he didn’t have an answer to the question as to cause. We discussed many other aspects of helping me continue the process of coming out.
On last Tuesday, we made a real breakthrough. We spent a couple hours discussing it, over the course of our normal daily activities. I finally came out to her about the full extent of my CDing. She now sees the CDing as an addiction caused by a combination of biology and my early personal history (another story). She now accepts that it won’t go away (but remains hopeful that it will). She had felt that my CDing threatened her own sexuality, and was worried about what I would really do in the future. Since she now sees it as a fetish-like addiction, she feels less threatened. I can’t say she is thrilled about the whole thing, but it has given me a great relief.
In the short term, this is about the best outcome I could have hoped for. I know she is a long way from full acceptance and enthusiasm, but I am now hopeful that we are going in the right direction. I will do my best to be supportive and open, and not let the pink fog cloud my mind. I know it will be a long journey. I fully expect hills and valleys, but I think we have made a good start. If you are still reading this, I would like to thank all of you for you support and encouragement for helping us come this far. Coming out to your SO may not be the right answer for everyone, but I think I made the right decision for my wife and I. The downside of being found out accidentally would have been much worse. I do love her SO much.
Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Hugs to all,
Jaydee