Being Supportive versus being honest

[msginaadoll]

This has been something that I struggle with as well as I wonder if other cds do. Somebody will ask a question maybe here or in real life about there appearance. The first thing that comes out of my mouth, is you look wonderful or you look great, etc. And I believe that it is best to focus on the positive. The difficulty comes when it becomes something that may turn out to hurt them or if we are being dishonest. Like do u think I am passible, or do I look passible. What if the answer truthfully is no. And this may not be no forever. It may be because they are wearing a wig that doesnt look right for them, It may be that they need help with their makeup. It may mean that they are wearing an outfit that it wrong for them or stands out. Most of us want to encourage and uplift others but at what expense? It is nice to be under the delusion(for awhile) that I look like a super model. However then someone or something comes along to bring me back to reality. Being called sir three times when I'm out, or having teenagers point at you and giggle. Or being told I look like "Fred Flintstone in drag". Yet these things have helped make me a better or stronger person if you will. They also encourage me to work at improving makeup skills, looking for the right wig etc. I am gratefull to have at least one friend who will tell me my lipstick looks horrible or that I look like a granny in that dress. My personal favorite is being referrd to as the "Church lady" by a dear friend. So my question are we obligated to telling the truth in a kind and loving way to help others or is it best to sugarcoat things and let people hang onto there delusions?

[Jenny Beth]

Short answer! If someone here asks for an opinion of how they look in a particular outfit or how they have done their makeup one would think they are prepared to hear the truth. However what you may think of some one's attempt is not necessarily what others may think.

[Joanne f]

Being honest is simply how you think things should be which is not always right , being supportive is looking at it from the other persons point of view on how they see things which is more important to them , so in my opinion it is better to be supportive .

[Karren H]

If I wanted to hear the truth I'd ask my wife... Lie to me baby!! :D

[docrobbysherry]

When it comes to CDing, what IS, "The truth"?:brolleyes:
I don't know. But, I LEAN toward Karen's version. :)
And I try to be helpful, yet positive, about folk's looks!:battingeyelashes:

I listened to my mom; "If u can't say something NICE about a person, don't say anything at all!":eek:

That's why I don't comment on EVERY pic posted!:heehee:

( Yeah. I remember the one about, " Those that live in glass houses----", too!)

[Holly]

We sure seem to love to beat this topic to death! I've said it before and I guess I will say it again... being honest with someone, be it a member here, a child, an SO, a friend in real life, does not have to equate to being mean. If your SO prepared a meal and asked you if you liked it, would you tell them it tasted like garbage? Of course not. But you don't have to lie either and say it was the most marvelous meal you have ever consumed. If a sister (or brother) here asks for comments, be kind and helpful. If they are using too much rouge, suggest toning it down for a softer look. You don't need to tell them they look like a refuge from the Ringling Brothers.

Yes, it would be mean to tell someone they are ready to walk the catwalk when you don't believe they are... do don't do it! Instead suggest trying different colors, a different hairstyle, experiment with a different fashion look. Encourage rather then discourage.

Finally, about "pass-ability." There are some days my wife doesn't "look" passable. But then again, she doesn't need to have a look to pass. She has the confidence and knowledge of who she is. There is a huge difference between "passing" and presentation. We need to get our heads around that concept a little better.

[Hope]

If I wanted to hear the truth I'd ask my wife... Lie to me baby!! :D

You look great.

Don't you feel better now?

[Karren H]

You look great.

Don't you feel better now?

Ohh yeah!! But now I need to go buy larger sized wigs!! :)

[Tora]

A still photo tells parts of the story. By the way one carries one self is another. Cops talk about PRESENCE, like a 150 pound cop standing toe to toe with a 300 lbs drunk biker. I think some of our more experienced members have gained the confidence to pull off a 6'2" 245 lbs WOMAN.
Practice your presentation, wardrobe, make-up, wig, moves. I have a loooong way to go.

[Sandra]

So my question are we obligated to telling the truth in a kind and loving way to help others or is it best to sugarcoat things and let people hang onto there delusions?


Being honest doesn't mean you have to be mean...surely it is better to offer advise and suggestions.

Put it this way some asks about their makeup, they really have over done it, to much eye shadow, blush, everything, they ask your opinion and you tell them they look fineyou as you ahve said "sugarcoat it". They then go out and get made fun of because of their makeup, what are they going to think about what you said, probably think you couldn't be bothered to give some advice or worse didn't realy care how they looked.

[jenna_woods]

asking dome one how you liik is just getting their opion, doesn't mean t agrees with someone's else opion,

[Kate Simmons]

Most people have 5 senses. Successful people have two more--horse and common.:)

[windycissy]

It's a tough one...I'll always tell someone face to face what I think if they ask me, but here the temptation is to move on to another thread rather than say something cruel. On the other hand, if my feedback is positive, it's based on one picture, and we all know that some pictures makes us look better than in real life. So I usually just let it ride...

[Misty is Kindafem]

This is tricky because we all, and I mean ALL suffer from our own delusions and we can't help but project our own hopes, fears, whatever onto the poor girl who just wants to know if she looks good.

I know I'm probably not the most credible voice around here but I do try to be as honest as I can be when I comment on someone's pic. If I can't honestly say I love it, or offer something helpful, then I just don't say anything.

I think that there is a huge difference between being nice and being polite. Nice is a field where white lies grow and you're bound to get something on your shoe if you're not careful.

Some girls do NOT look good, that's a fact. If somebody asked me if they passed and it actually looked like they should be catching a pass instead, what should I say?

When I ask my roomie if I look good, she sometimes says the most awful thing; ..."yeah, for a guy". Ouch and ouch.

The truth hurts ladies, but no pain, no gain.

-Misty

[msginaadoll]

I would in no way ever advocate beeing mean or hurtfull. Its just there is always a number of posts asking "Am I passible". I was just wondering because I dont think I have ever heard a resounding "No". There is a general yes you are which in some cases may be true and in some cases not true. Are we doing a person a favor if we respond yes when we realy think no. It is true as some have said they will not respond if what they think could be misconstrued as negative or hurtful. The only problem can be is that then there may be an overwhelming yes then and not a true representation. You can also say well with the right wig, and improvement in makeup skills, and the loss of 30pounds(in my case), and a head transplant from Heidi Klum you would look great. I am so glad I found this forum for the support it has given me, the friends I have made and the honest advice I have got. I have also appreciated seeing all the pictures of the lovely ladies here. We certainly come in a wonderful rainbow of flavors here. For me it has been a good thing and an eye opener. It helped me realize while I may never be passible, I can still get out and about and enjoy the world as a cd. I may never convince anyone that I am female or be viewed as "Passible" But thats ok I am just your average ordinary CD next door and Im ok with that. If I could I would even ban the word passible but that is not in my power. I know maybe this is beating a dead horse but as long as "Passible" is in the dictionary I will fight the good fight. And for all you "passible" cds out there remember beauty is only skin deep, and continue to share your tips and secrets with the ugly step-sisters like me.

[dilane]

Generally, if I think the person looks great, I'll say so on the thread.

If there are criticisms, I generally write the poster a PM, and almost to the woman, they respond with a thank-you.

I usually don't ask about myself because I don't want to know the horrible truth!

[Frédérique]

So my question are we obligated to telling the truth in a kind and loving way to help others or is it best to sugarcoat things and let people hang onto there delusions?

You have to play this one by ear – I think you have to be able to read the emotional vulnerability of the person, and then act accordingly. When I was in art school, the students, a veritable passel of vulnerable personalities that had to be seen to be believed, generally supported each other with reassuring sugarcoated comments, me included. Meanwhile, the teachers would be brutally honest with their assessments of each one’s perceived talents, since this was all about preparation for the real world. :eek:

What’s my point? Well, since crossdressing is a rather private affair, and each person has their own personal level of what makes them happy, why be so serious about it? I will be loving and supportive to any crossdresser I come across, regardless of expertise or longevity (or lack of), simply because this is not a competition or a profession. If one has to rely on another person’s opinion to make things seem OK, then that person is too insecure for his (or her) own good. I think you have to make your own mistakes (I certainly did), proceed with caution, and find your own way…

[VeronicaMoonlit]

And for all you "passible" cds out there remember beauty is only skin deep, and continue to share your tips and secrets with the ugly step-sisters like me.

Stop that! I'm the low self esteem tranny around these here parts, pardner. Ifn y'all think you're more an "ugly step sister" than me, we might have to meet at high noon on the dusty street with tumbleweeds around.

All kidding aside, what makes you think you're an ugly step sister? I've seen your pictures and I know what you're capable of doing in a "femmy woman next door" look.


Generally, if I think the person looks great, I'll say so on the thread.

Yep, though I've also given tips, but I never actually directly answer the "am I passable" question. I hate the word.


I usually don't ask about myself because I don't want to know the horrible truth!

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! The truth is that you look fine, really. You do a good job putting your looks together.

Veronica Rogers

[Nicole Erin]

I don't think the TG community is the best place to find out if you pass.
The worst looking ones may not hear the truth.
I think if someone does look bad, it is a good idea to let them know how they might at least improve their look.

Really you just cannot take things serious over a forum. The true way to find out if you are doing OK or not is when you are out, how do people react?

Thing is, even if someone does pass and all that, it doesn't mean they are any more confident than the ones who look horrid. I know we have one TS here who is often talking about how well she passes and all this crap. She does look good but from the posts, one has to conclude she must not have any more confidence than any of us who are not so passable.

The best one can do is make the most of what they have. Maybe one's best attempt is not good enough but if you can step out knowing you made your best effort, what more can one ask?

[sherri52]

Another old saying " the truth hurts". Be supportive first, don't lie, and if you can give constuctive criticizim by all means give it without hurting the person. Some of us actually want the truth because we don't have anyone other than this forum for our advice. We need to be told the wig is not right or the makeup is on too heavy. As you tell us the bad news, compliment on something else so the pain isn't so bad.

[Hope]

We all need to speak in ways that allow other people to hear what we are saying. If you suggest to someone that they look like a freak in a dress, (which may be true, and honest) they will not hear you. On the other hand, if you were to suggest that they were very brave to go out presenting the way they were dressed in the photo, and then suggest "perhaps less blush, less eye shadow, a longer hem, shorter heels and maybe keep your legs together when you sit," chances are much better that you will be heard. AND you will have still said something that is true an honest. AND you will have been a real friend.

It is a n odd belief that being honest means being mean, and that lying is being nice. If your friend looks like a freak in a dress, telling her that she is 100% passable and looks lovely is not being nice, it is setting her up for a horrible fall.

[trannie T]

There are two impossible questions: "Do I pass?" and "Do you think this makes my butt look big?" Answer them honestly at your own risk.

[Blaire]

It seems to me that life's always got it's little rules that always seem to work.

It's never in what you say, but in how you say it.

If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Even I remember the good ol' days where people actually used these simple principles to deal with others. It was such a mild, well mannered time, which seems have have completely disappeared.

[Samantha Girl]

It's been said already. Both. You can be honest and supportive at the same time ;)

Like when I had a thread about going out as Samantha for the 1st time everyone was amazing. I was so worried about standing out. So you girls wouldn't say "well your hair is 80's ridiculous and you barely wear clothes, you're going to fXXXXXn stand out and get noticed" You'd say " you might want to dress more conservatively"

I personally want to know the truth. But I do enjoy compliments on my photos despite the fact that in some I clearly have facial hair! Girls with facial hair = not pretty! :p

Awesome thing. When I 1st told one of my best friends in the world he was so shocked he didn't believe the pic I showed him was actually me and not some chick. I think it was just shock. However his wife looked at the same pic and couldn't believe it was me either or that it was not a girl so who the hell knows! :p His wife in particular is not one to sugarcoat. Makes a gal feel good :cheer:

[PretzelGirl]

Yep, though I've also given tips, but I never actually directly answer the "am I passable" question. I hate the word.

My problem with this question is, how can you answer it? We have proven in multiple threads that there is a broad spectrum of meanings to this depending on the person.

[kellycan27]

I have to agree with the person who said... If I believe someone looks good, I wall say so. On the othere hand if I don't think the person is passable I just wander over to the next thread while keeping my opinion to myself.It's really not for me to say.
Kel

[Laura_Stephens]

I have a little more than 300 posts on this forum and I don't believe I have ever been critical of smeone else's appearance. Given that I look like Janet Reno's ugliest sister and that I am considered somewhat hideous as a man -- not kidding here -- I am the LAST person who should speak about someone else's looks.

Never have -- never will...