Understanding Stealth!!!

[Felix]

I always thought I understood why peeps stayed in stealth but recently I think I get it more than ever. Don't get me wrong I'm proud of who I am and where I've come from but I think life would be so much easier if no one knew me and I was just Felix from the start with no before if you know what I mean. If peeps didn't know me as a trans man and just as the man I am it would be simpler :/ Sometimes I think that even when I've had all my surgeries peeps will still call me the wrong thing who knew me before :( I get so fed up with the every day things the constant thought of who is going to get it wrong today who am I going to have to explain to today that I'm a transsexual.

In three weeks I will be going to my Mums not looking forward to it pretending I'm some one I'm not but I live under the constant threat of my sister who swore she would kill me if I ever let my mum know. I want to grow my facial hair in properly but I can't cos of visits to my mums. So I'm stalling it to some degree and I don't wanna shave what I do have off coz Ilike what I have loads :(

Then there's my B***s they are driving me nuts and my dysphoria is having a field day with me which does nothing for my stress levels and that makes it hard for me in work because I have to be even more patient than usual. I hate my body so much it hurts and yet I'm fighting with myself coz I'm tired and have to make myself go to the gym :( Sorry about this peeps I'm just struggling a bit right now :( xx Felix :hugs:

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Felix I am sure this is a difficult situation for you

I have no doubt this will make you stronger having to fight your way through this difficult time

Pretending will be particularly hard for you but try to focus on it being for a good cause

Most of all don't let it get you down :hugs:

[Sheila]

Felix hun :bh:, yeah fighting daily must be tough ........... I see and am part of that daily struggle with Debs, okay she ain't out there 24/7 but still she struggles :sad:

You can get through this, you have an amazing woman by your side, and many, many friends :hugs:

[AllieSF]

Hang in there Felix, as everyone has said, the constrant struggles just make you a stronger and more capable person. However, the struggle does take it's toll. I wish you the best and a lot of sunny and warm days in the future, and I am not talking about the upcoming winter weather.

:hugs: :hugs: :love:

Men can receive flowers too, you know!

[noeleena]

Hi Felix.

yes its hard . after 11 years i think i know . may be some what over the other side of the fence still it s some thing we seem to have to go throgh . hang in there . & try not getting all stressd out . be srrong . very strong . after you v been through it all & your out the other side . you will be stronger . wiser . & have ...your ... life to live .

Family is the worst yet we are getting there . slow so just look at it this way . get your mind set . going . & try to enjoy the trip . if you dont youll go down & getting up is a lot harder ,
What work s for me may not work for you . so we find way s to deal with what we go through . it was damm hard . yet i had to focus on some thing or some one . i did the some one. she is Dejarn our grandkid . shes now 6 years 11 months . she keeped me going . when she was born,. i came out . she is still there & is very . very close to me .
all the best ..

...noeleena...

[alexis GG]

Theres not much I can add here that the others haven't already said but chin up I hope things improve soon for you :hugs:

[Holly]

I wonder how happy your mother would be knowing she is the cause of such turmoil in your life? Even though your sister's motivation for secrecy may be positive, the outcome certainly is not. Most parents place their children's happiness above just about everything else and I suspect your mother does as well. It would probably grieve her if she discovered that she was the cause of such distress in your life. Maybe it's time for you and your sister to sit down and figure out a way to bring your mom into the loop. Just a thought, dear friend.

[Kieron Andrew]

I wonder how happy your mother would be knowing she is the cause of such turmoil in your life? Even though your sister's motivation for secrecy may be positive, the outcome certainly is not. Most parents place their children's happiness above just about everything else and I suspect your mother does as well. It would probably grieve her if she discovered that she was the cause of such distress in your life. Maybe it's time for you and your sister to sit down and figure out a way to bring your mom into the loop. Just a thought, dear friend.

I agree with Holly, you're sister may 'think' she is doing the right thing, but honestly i don't think she is...you have been on T a while, you are noticeably different looking, your your voice will be different, your facial shadow will show, mother isn't stupid and will realise...i think you need to tell your mother before you show up...because if you go as a girl, you are going to look like a boy in girl clothing....and that may be a greater shock then if you prepare her first

[Felix]

Lol there are those who have always said I looked like a boy in girls clothing ;) :( How ive delt with the voice is that I've talked to her every night since starting 'T' so she has gradually got used to it and doesn't even bother now. When she does she accepts thats my allergy and that my meds are affecting my voice along with my hormones coz of change. As for the facial hair well I'm only there like 48 hrs and ill shave plenty plus i never wear girl clothes I just brighten myself up a bit more pastle colours in tops. She has cateracts now too so that helps :(

As for my sister its not just her its all of them really once my mum bless her is not around any more then will be the time to show how accepting they are coz the first family doo will reveal that. If they don't want me there as Felix then I won't go and stuff them all really. I got Helen and my wonderful son Kieran and I'm getting to know Helens family and I just love her eldest son and his gf and their kids and I know they are fond of me. I've even met Helens first wife now and she is lovely and she gives me loads of support and Helen too. I know its hard for them all but its equally if not more difficult for me coz after all they don't live in the fear of loosing everything they've ever known and loved.

Thans to everyone who has so far responded and suppoerted me on this one ya a great family and support on here and I love you all xx Felix :)

[WalT]

Heh, sorta funny on I'm on the opposite side! I think my life would be so much easier, and I would be so much happier if I'd just go ahead and tell the few people I trust to tell at this point that I'm a FtM TS/ It's honestly such a friction point that I honestly do believe once I come out, my life will be so much easier, because at this point it's just a pain to hide who I am. It's really breaking me down and I'm not sure how much longer I can go before I finally erupt and accidently out myself to people I didn't want to out myself to...

I have a feeling I'll face a similar situation with my family, so I've decided I won't come out to them until I'm well into taking testosterone (don't want to be convinced not to do it.... ugh). I honestly think you should tell your mother, because you're at a point where hiding it is, well, simply impossible. There's a point where "I have a cold/flu" isn't going to cut it anymore. It's just less of a pain to be upfront and honest with people sometimes, even if you might hurt them. Still, it's better than them being hurt in the long run if you don't tell them and they find out on their own.

[Kieron Andrew]

Lol there are those who have always said I looked like a boy in girls clothing ;) :( How ive delt with the voice is that I've talked to her every night since starting 'T' so she has gradually got used to it and doesn't even bother now. When she does she accepts thats my allergy and that my meds are affecting my voice along with my hormones coz of change. As for the facial hair well I'm only there like 48 hrs and ill shave plenty plus i never wear girl clothes I just brighten myself up a bit more pastle colours in tops. She has cateracts now too so that helps :(
The worry that its not just about voice and facial hair dude, you look more male than you ever did pre T, there is no way you pass as a girl...sorry i still think you need to talk to your mother...you have totally physically changed

[Felix]

Hi WaLt I know what ya saying dude I really do. The thing is is not about me wanting to live in stealth OMG I certainly don't thats what I mean. I understand the reasons people do it is more what I'm saying. I am totally out here In Hull and have been for a long time now. Good luck with your stuff around coming out and will be watching your story with interest :)

Hi Kieron. It's funny dude that you say I have changed totally physically because here the people who have always known me particularly in my work place(not really close friends) still don't seem to be able to detatch my female self from my male self or maybe they just don't want to maybe its to much head F**k for them :( Even though its apparent to most I don't think my family will be able to do it either so even if my mum does suspect something she will probably just hold on to her pretty little picture of me in her mind that she has always had. Her little girl C*******e. It's very sad this whole situation I know but that's something I have resigned myself to, even though at times I struggle with it like now for example and get extremely frustrated with it.

I value all your opinions on this and it helps me tremendously to cope with these everyday frustrations of my situation so much :) Thanx peeps xx Felix :hugs:

[Andy66]

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time of it. :hugs: Just hang in there until February. It won't be long now.

For what it's worth, I understand what you're saying, but I agree with Kieron. The idea of you dressing up like a girl makes me think of the football players in college who would dress up as awful looking girls for Halloween. It's just not right. :heehee:

the people who have always known me particularly in my work place(not really close friends) still don't seem to be able to detatch my female self from my male self or maybe they just don't want to maybe its to much head F**k for them :(
I think you're exactly right, and they don't know what to make of it. I'm not transgender, but even I had to leave all my old friends behind and put some distance between myself and my family because they just don't know how to let a person grow up and evolve. It is sort of sad.

[sherri52]

You'll always be Felix to us.

[Felix]

Ok just to clarify I'm not dragging up I'm not putting womens clothes on the thought makes me feel ill :( but I am wearing unisex type tee shirts I know I can get away with and a sweat shirt tat could be worn by anyone.The thought of getting my T**s out at this stage is repulsive and I couldn't do it they will be hidden enough for me to cope with and also not to give my mother suspician!!!!

Thanx Sherri :) xx Felix

[Andy66]

Ok just to clarify I'm not dragging up I'm not putting womens clothes on

I wasn't saying that you were going to; I just meant that you're so masculine, there's no way in h*ll you would be believeable as a woman even if you wanted to. Sorry if I made you frustrated. :hugs:

[NiCo]

I prefer to be stealth. Yeah I did that article in the local paper and locals in Middlesbrough recognised me but they never once called me female or anything feminine. They respected my choice to live as I am doing so. I don’t think it’s that your colleagues are not wanting to detach, I think it’s cause they struggle to accept it, in a harmless way. It’s sh*te but it happens. I noticed that a lot with my family.

My gf has known me about 15 years and has not once called me anything feminine, she knows it would be over if she did it not out of mistake. I couldn’t deal with that. It’s respect at the same time.

I’ve seen a pre-T picture of you Felix, you look a hell of a lot different, I can’t believe it’s the same person…I just can’t imagine you ever being like that.

I know the feeling of having to be unisex for the parents sake. For a while when I was 16 I had my hair short, but long enough so I could clip in hair extensions. I had an emo cut…cause when I wanted to be ME I could just take the extra hair out and put it away in the drawer and be ME. It grinded me down to the point I just snapped and told everyone they’d accept me or f*ck off.

Obviously you can’t do it as harsh as that, your mother isn’t in great health as you have told me, it would be a bad move but she needs to understand that you have ONE shot at life! Would she really like to know she or others are dragging you down and holding you back? If they don’t care about that mate, then it’s THEM who is selfish and they aren’t worth a breath of air. Sorry, but that’s how I see it.

It’s a crap situation to find yourself in, but she’ll notice, she is bound to! You’ve changed so much, you’re due your chest surgery and others will follow soon after that! Mothers notice everything about their child no matter how small…maybe you should arrange to go over, have a nice relaxing cuppa and tell her in a calm way [what am I saying?! You’re always calm lol, never mind…] but you know what I mean?

Living in Glasgow now, it’s sooooo big that not one person has noticed me as being that person in the paper, thank god. I can live the same boring life as everyone else and I love it! It wont stop me being involved in my own way within the LGBT community, but I personally prefer to do it from a sexuality point of view rather than a gender point of view. I don’t like being called transsexual or anything like that from bad experiences but being called bisexual or gay is no problem to me. However, I’ll still occasionally give my own personal opinions from a trans point of view, even if it brings discomfort to me.

I praise you though, despite the sh*t you are still actively involved in the trans “scene” and that’s a good thing mate, kudos to you! But then again, I am talking about Felix, a tough one…dude, you’re awesome and whatever happens, I wish you all the best of luck and happiness this life can bring to you…but remember, you only have ONE chance!

:hugs:

[Felix]

Hi Anne please forgive me if I jumped rather about this topic it's just at the moment I'm going through a lot of psychological changes and unfortunately the physical ones are just not keeping up and because of this at times, well rather alot actually its really affecting my dysphoria and that's why I get stressed about stuff like this. You didn't make me frustrated in fact to say there's no way you could see me as a woman is a huge compliment so thanx :)

Hi Nico and thanx dude I haven't got time to say what I want right now as a filming crew is coming round but just wanna say quickly that I'm so proud of you and how far you have come my friend in such a short space of time :) xx Felix :hugs:

[Andy66]

Hi Anne please forgive me if I jumped rather about this topic
Nothing to forgive, I know you're under a bit of stress. I'll be happy for you when you've got all the medical/surgical stuff taken care of.

So then, what's this about a film crew? Are you a local celebrity? :daydreaming:

[Felix]

Hi Anne and thanx :) No not a celeb Helen and I are helping some students out they are making a documentary about transitioning and they asked if we would do it with them it will help promote our organisation nCompass pluss it may be going out to Jo public.Next year we are hoping to do a documentary about Helens life which I will be in too so ill be out there for trans men :)

[Astrid Star]

That is itense. You must be quite a strong individual to be able to cope with that kind of pressure. I will only offer "honesty" as my only advice. I mean that in regard to your first post of course.

Astrid

[Felix]

Hi there and welcome :) Thanx for your comment. I am a firm believer in honesty but after many years of experience in life and how things can affect people, in this instance I know honesty at this stage in the proceedings when my father has been dead only one year in January and my mother really is still grieving his loss after a marriage of 61 years and she herself is old fragile and ill. To tell her such monumental news would probably kill her and I couldn't live with that so in this case I cannot tell her.

Last night I talked with her as I do every night, my voice has dropped over the last week she hasn't even noticed she is that used to the steady change because of my handling of the situation. If there is a time when I feel I can be honest with her I will but sometimes in this life I have found over the years that honesty is not the best policy and that is only to protect and at 43 I can say safely and with confidence that this is the policy I will use until the time is right and only I will know when that is, if indeed that time presents itself.

xx Felix :hugs:

[Astrid Star]

Good response. Every situation is unique to the person who is experiencing it and as long as you are certain that that is the best choice for you, then it is the right choice. ;)

Astrid