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Vicki-Z
11-24-2009, 11:31 PM
Hello, I’m new here on the forum and would like to hear your comments. I apologize for the length of this posting , but I hope you will understand this is very important to me. I’m 53 years old and have been put into a situation that has force me to think deeper into whom I really am. Maybe I should mention that there is a very good possibility that my mother may have been taking the drug DES while pregnant with me. She had a previous miscarriage.

As far back as I can remember even when I was 6 or 7 years old I wished that I could wear pretty dresses, skirts and blouses that the girls at school wore. I wished that I could have my hair in a pony tail or in curls. I wanted to play dolls, skipping and hopscotch with the girls. I wanted to be a girl. I never told anyone how I felt. As a child I kept everything to myself I was a loner. I remembered in grade 7 when the girls in my class began getting their first training bras. You could see the outline of the bras through their blouses. I was jealous because I wished my breasts would grow and I could wear one. When I was about 8 or 9 years old I began sneaking my mothers and sisters panties to wear. Whenever I got a bath I used to wish my breasts would grow and my male parts would fall off and I would be a girl. I used to pray to God to let me be a girl when I woke up the next morning.
Puberty was an extremely difficult time for me. I wished so much to be a girl. My teen years were very extremely depressing to the point of almost suicidal. I grew up in a small town and back then there was no internet or any way of getting information about being transgender. I thought I was alone in the world. I had a hard time concentrating in school because I wanted to be a girl. As a young teenager whenever we went to a shopping mall in a nearby city I would buy panties and other items and hide them. Around 16 years old I quite often would go to school wearing panties, pantyhose and believe it or not a sanitary pad and belt. I would sit beside the other girls in class and it would make me feel closer to them like I was one of them. I wore a leotard and a babydoll set but I was always careful not to get caught. Many times I would feel so guilty and swear I was never going to wear them again but I always came back to it. It felt natural to me. I used to dream about taking dance lessons. Sexually I was never attracted to boys, only to girls. I should mention that I did not dress in girl clothing for sexual satisfaction. However, when I dress in female lingerie I do feel sexier, but, I do it because it feels natural to me to wear female lingerie. I didn’t have much success with girls because I was too shy and when I dated a girl I treated her with the upmost respect. I have always felt women are superior to men I guess because I wanted to be one but couldn’t.

Anyways I got married in my late 20’s and had children. I adore my wife and children. I put my feminine feelings and emotions behind a wall and tried living just my masculine side. I didn’t wear anything for a few years. It almost killed me. I even tried sometimes to wear silky men briefs, but it was not the same, it wasn’t women’s panties. I thought I was doing reasonably well and could live out the rest of my life that way. Anyway without going into details a year ago my wife had an affair and it totally destroyed my masculine side. As the loving trusting husband I unknowingly did many things that actually helped her to have the affair. My manhood is gone, I don’t feel like a man anymore and I don’t think I ever will again. I love her so much and we are trying to continue on in our marriage. I tried for a few months to be neither man nor woman. I felt so empty inside. I realized that I couldn’t go on that way. I told her that I am left with no choice but to break down that wall and let my feminine side out. It’s all I got left. She says to go ahead that she understands but I know it is hard for her. I’m back to wearing lingerie and makeup, nothing really noticeable. I curl my eyelashes, wear clear mascara and foundation. I paint my toenails and use clear polish on my fingernails. I have never dressed totally as a woman because I am not passable. I would love to grow real breasts and be a women but I can’t do that to my family. One thing I know for sure is I will never purge again. I have to learn to accept who I am inside.

As I said in the beginning I am examining myself deeper than I ever have. I would like to hear your comments on how you would classify me as a crossdresser or a transsexual?

Karren H
11-25-2009, 12:46 AM
Yeeah!! Welcome to the forum.... Your experiences sound pretty a-typical!! And personally. I'd rather not label you anything... Labels are so restrictive.. Just do what to love to do and don't worry about what you or anyone else calls it..

ReineD
11-25-2009, 01:37 AM
Welcome to the forum, Vicki. :hugs: I am so sorry about the recent events in your marriage. :sad: I'd like to comment on a few things you've said.


Anyway without going into details a year ago my wife had an affair and it totally destroyed my masculine side. As the loving trusting husband I unknowingly did many things that actually helped her to have the affair.
Please don't make yourself responsible for your wife's choices. I obviously don't know your situation, but one of your wife's options could have been to discuss her growing attraction to someone else with you, in order to begin a dialogue that might have helped you both address the underlying issues.


My manhood is gone, I don’t feel like a man anymore and I don’t think I ever will again.
My ex strayed many years ago before our marriage began to decline, and I felt the same way you do. But his straying was a reflection of his own inability to discuss his issues and it had nothing to do with my worth as a woman. It took me a long time to come to see this. Too long. Are you and your wife seeing a marital counselor? Are you taking steps to try to rekindle the romance between you?

I tried for a few months to be neither man nor woman. I felt so empty inside.

:hugs:


I told her that I am left with no choice but to break down that wall and let my feminine side out. It’s all I got left. She says to go ahead that she understands but I know it is hard for her. I’m back to wearing lingerie and makeup, nothing really noticeable. I curl my eyelashes, wear clear mascara and foundation. I paint my toenails and use clear polish on my fingernails.
Do you wear makeup daily in all your activites, including going to work, or do you express yourself only in private? Does your wife try to participate, even if it is spending time when you are expressing your softer side? What are her feelings about your femininity?


As I said in the beginning I am examining myself deeper than I ever have. I would like to hear your comments on how you would classify me as a crossdresser or a transsexual?
No one can answer this for you. It is different for everyone. But I do know from having read countless threads here it is not uncommon to idealize a repressed femme self. I may be wrong, but I sense that it will take some time before you know the answer yourself. You need to take the time to experiment, to let Vicki come out as much as you possibly can, and be OK with not having an answer for now. Let Vicki develop. It is your choice as to whether or not you wish to cast away (in spirit) your guy self, but if you do, how will this affect your marriage?

If you do not yet feel confident enough to attempt going out in the mainstream fully dressed, you might consider joining a TG support group, where you will not be judged. The support group my SO belongs to has members from all points along the TG spectrum, from occasional closet CDers, to CDs that are out in the mainstream frequently, to individuals who identify as bigendered, to non-op and post-op TSs. It might help you gain a fresh perspective if you reach out and make friends with a variety of people. Most support groups welcome wives and husbands.

Please give yourself time to grow and give yourself permission to honor all of your feelings, even if sometimes your guy self wants to make an appearance. Try to experience the ebb and flow of your desires without any judgment based on having been hurt as a male. I am sure that in time your path will become clear.

:love:

AlisonRenee
11-25-2009, 02:23 AM
Vicki, I wonder about the DES link also - same age, and my mother also took DES after a previous miscarriage. There's some evidence of a link with gender ID issues.

Alicia Grey
11-25-2009, 02:49 AM
As I said in the beginning I am examining myself deeper than I ever have. I would like to hear your comments on how you would classify me as a crossdresser or a transsexual?


It is so easy to affix a label to yourself. You are as so many of us are on a continuum from an occasional crossdresser to a fully transformed woman. some of us stop at a certain part on this path and find comfort, others are not satisfied until a final transformation occurs. Each of us in this sisterhood is on a journey. How far it takes us no one can say.

The message of Joseph Campbell—the amazing mythology guru and mentor to George Lucas who based much of Star Wars on the classic archetypal journeys Campbell documented.

It's rather simple.

Three words: 1. Follow. 2. Your. 3. Bliss.

Key words: "bliss" and "your." Not someone else's idea of your bliss. Not what you think should be your bliss. Not what you think would impress the crowd or appease the family.

YOUR bliss. What truly gets you giddy.

aleshiabaum
11-25-2009, 03:30 AM
Like others have said...I know nothing about you other than what you've said. But I should think that what would really give you some affirmation would be to dress and then be held by your wife, if that's something you both would feel comfortable doing.
Just hold each other and really talk. Talk to each other as if it's your last day on earth.
Welcome to the forum. There's a lot of camaraderie here. I dare say this is this nicest group of people I've ever seen gathered in one forum.
And read! Read books about women - my housemate loaned me a really interesting one lately called Sex, Time and Power: How Female Sexuality Shaped Human Evolution by Leonard Shlain. It's fascinating, and has really helped me see women in a new light...and respect them more than ever. Read fiction - something juicy that totally allows you to escape endlessly thinking about yourself. [Who's got a recommendation for Vicki?] You might pick up a copy of The Artist's Way and start a journal like the author suggests - it's for everyone.
Best of luck, Vicki. 2010 is going to be an interesting year.

sheidelmeidel
11-25-2009, 04:16 AM
As I said in the beginning I am examining myself deeper than I ever have. I would like to hear your comments on how you would classify me as a crossdresser or a transsexual?

You are going through a very rough period now, and that is entirely understandable. I think many of us would agree that the urge/need to dress is closely related to stress and the need to release it, particularly stress like yours which you say challenges your masculinity. So it's certainly understandable that the old urges have resurfaced now, and I think many of us on here have similar histories.

I don't think you need to worry about labels (I certainly never have). You need to figure yourself out according to your own terms and leave the labels for those who have the need to stick them on people.

I also think it's important not to make big decisions when you are distressed, especially decisions that will impact other people in your life. Maybe at some point you will decide that you clearly fall into a particular category and must live out your life under that label, but right now I think you are still in crisis mode and you have to get past that first.

:2c:

Ann D Bluebird
11-25-2009, 05:04 AM
Hi there, welcome :)

From what I read of the above posts you already have some good advice to seriously think through. As gender therapist advice is concerned this thread http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=118083 struck me as also being very worthwhile...and what the therapist was reported to have said particularly so.

I hope you find a positive pathway for you in your marriage, and in finding out the answer to your questions about yourself :hugs:

Frédérique
11-25-2009, 05:51 AM
As far back as I can remember even when I was 6 or 7 years old I wished that I could wear pretty dresses, skirts and blouses that the girls at school wore. I wished that I could have my hair in a pony tail or in curls. I wanted to play dolls, skipping and hopscotch with the girls. I wanted to be a girl. I never told anyone how I felt. As a child I kept everything to myself I was a loner.

I came here to read beautiful things like this…:hugs:
Such simple ideas and feelings are the very cornerstone of our existence as crossdressers.


I put my feminine feelings and emotions behind a wall and tried living just my masculine side. I didn’t wear anything for a few years. It almost killed me.
As I said in the beginning I am examining myself deeper than I ever have. I would like to hear your comments on how you would classify me as a crossdresser or a transsexual?

I wouldn’t classify you one or the other, because it really doesn’t matter. All I can say is you belong here – join the rest of us on our quest for self-discovery. By talking to others you’ll learn a lot about yourself. I was also the little boy who wanted to be a girl, and I, like you, tried to be an exclusively adult male for a while (and live up to the standards of others). I lived to tell the tale, but just barely. :whew!: It’s OK to feel things, in fact it’s mandatory if you’re trying to get through life in one piece. Just relax, pull up a chair, and realize you are very much not alone… :)

Vicki-Z
11-26-2009, 12:14 AM
I would like to express my heart felt gratitude for the kindness you each have shown me. :love: I can't even begin to tell you what it means to me. Reine, Frederique, Ann, Sheidelmeidl and all you others thank you so very much for the advice. It gives me a lot to think about.

I feel like all my life I have been lost in a very dense fog inside of me. The past month I am beginning to feel that fog is gradually lifting and that for the first time in my life I am beginning to see a peek at who I really am. The feminine side that I tried so hard all my life to repress and keep hidden. The side that society would have me believe is unnatural and wrong. It's not the monster that they would have me believe. It's the way God made me, male and female in one. I feel that I am only starting on a long journey to find myself.

Once again I thank each one of you for caring and being here. With friends like you I know it will make the journey so much easier.


Love

Vicki :hugs:

AmberLynn
11-26-2009, 12:24 AM
Welcome to the fourm's. I remeber seeing something in a post shortly after i joined and i belive karen had said "label's are for jar's" You have a wonderful gift,the joy's of feeling female and being a male :hugs: I have skimmed some of the girl's post :eek: I know im soupposed to read them all before a reply but I know what the girl's have said is true,and i know about that pink fog,need really bright light's to see in it and you will find them here in isle 4 between hose and pump's :heehee: I hope you enjoy the trip to finding your true self,i know i have.

stay proud girl :battingeyelashes: