Vicki-Z
11-24-2009, 11:31 PM
Hello, I’m new here on the forum and would like to hear your comments. I apologize for the length of this posting , but I hope you will understand this is very important to me. I’m 53 years old and have been put into a situation that has force me to think deeper into whom I really am. Maybe I should mention that there is a very good possibility that my mother may have been taking the drug DES while pregnant with me. She had a previous miscarriage.
As far back as I can remember even when I was 6 or 7 years old I wished that I could wear pretty dresses, skirts and blouses that the girls at school wore. I wished that I could have my hair in a pony tail or in curls. I wanted to play dolls, skipping and hopscotch with the girls. I wanted to be a girl. I never told anyone how I felt. As a child I kept everything to myself I was a loner. I remembered in grade 7 when the girls in my class began getting their first training bras. You could see the outline of the bras through their blouses. I was jealous because I wished my breasts would grow and I could wear one. When I was about 8 or 9 years old I began sneaking my mothers and sisters panties to wear. Whenever I got a bath I used to wish my breasts would grow and my male parts would fall off and I would be a girl. I used to pray to God to let me be a girl when I woke up the next morning.
Puberty was an extremely difficult time for me. I wished so much to be a girl. My teen years were very extremely depressing to the point of almost suicidal. I grew up in a small town and back then there was no internet or any way of getting information about being transgender. I thought I was alone in the world. I had a hard time concentrating in school because I wanted to be a girl. As a young teenager whenever we went to a shopping mall in a nearby city I would buy panties and other items and hide them. Around 16 years old I quite often would go to school wearing panties, pantyhose and believe it or not a sanitary pad and belt. I would sit beside the other girls in class and it would make me feel closer to them like I was one of them. I wore a leotard and a babydoll set but I was always careful not to get caught. Many times I would feel so guilty and swear I was never going to wear them again but I always came back to it. It felt natural to me. I used to dream about taking dance lessons. Sexually I was never attracted to boys, only to girls. I should mention that I did not dress in girl clothing for sexual satisfaction. However, when I dress in female lingerie I do feel sexier, but, I do it because it feels natural to me to wear female lingerie. I didn’t have much success with girls because I was too shy and when I dated a girl I treated her with the upmost respect. I have always felt women are superior to men I guess because I wanted to be one but couldn’t.
Anyways I got married in my late 20’s and had children. I adore my wife and children. I put my feminine feelings and emotions behind a wall and tried living just my masculine side. I didn’t wear anything for a few years. It almost killed me. I even tried sometimes to wear silky men briefs, but it was not the same, it wasn’t women’s panties. I thought I was doing reasonably well and could live out the rest of my life that way. Anyway without going into details a year ago my wife had an affair and it totally destroyed my masculine side. As the loving trusting husband I unknowingly did many things that actually helped her to have the affair. My manhood is gone, I don’t feel like a man anymore and I don’t think I ever will again. I love her so much and we are trying to continue on in our marriage. I tried for a few months to be neither man nor woman. I felt so empty inside. I realized that I couldn’t go on that way. I told her that I am left with no choice but to break down that wall and let my feminine side out. It’s all I got left. She says to go ahead that she understands but I know it is hard for her. I’m back to wearing lingerie and makeup, nothing really noticeable. I curl my eyelashes, wear clear mascara and foundation. I paint my toenails and use clear polish on my fingernails. I have never dressed totally as a woman because I am not passable. I would love to grow real breasts and be a women but I can’t do that to my family. One thing I know for sure is I will never purge again. I have to learn to accept who I am inside.
As I said in the beginning I am examining myself deeper than I ever have. I would like to hear your comments on how you would classify me as a crossdresser or a transsexual?
As far back as I can remember even when I was 6 or 7 years old I wished that I could wear pretty dresses, skirts and blouses that the girls at school wore. I wished that I could have my hair in a pony tail or in curls. I wanted to play dolls, skipping and hopscotch with the girls. I wanted to be a girl. I never told anyone how I felt. As a child I kept everything to myself I was a loner. I remembered in grade 7 when the girls in my class began getting their first training bras. You could see the outline of the bras through their blouses. I was jealous because I wished my breasts would grow and I could wear one. When I was about 8 or 9 years old I began sneaking my mothers and sisters panties to wear. Whenever I got a bath I used to wish my breasts would grow and my male parts would fall off and I would be a girl. I used to pray to God to let me be a girl when I woke up the next morning.
Puberty was an extremely difficult time for me. I wished so much to be a girl. My teen years were very extremely depressing to the point of almost suicidal. I grew up in a small town and back then there was no internet or any way of getting information about being transgender. I thought I was alone in the world. I had a hard time concentrating in school because I wanted to be a girl. As a young teenager whenever we went to a shopping mall in a nearby city I would buy panties and other items and hide them. Around 16 years old I quite often would go to school wearing panties, pantyhose and believe it or not a sanitary pad and belt. I would sit beside the other girls in class and it would make me feel closer to them like I was one of them. I wore a leotard and a babydoll set but I was always careful not to get caught. Many times I would feel so guilty and swear I was never going to wear them again but I always came back to it. It felt natural to me. I used to dream about taking dance lessons. Sexually I was never attracted to boys, only to girls. I should mention that I did not dress in girl clothing for sexual satisfaction. However, when I dress in female lingerie I do feel sexier, but, I do it because it feels natural to me to wear female lingerie. I didn’t have much success with girls because I was too shy and when I dated a girl I treated her with the upmost respect. I have always felt women are superior to men I guess because I wanted to be one but couldn’t.
Anyways I got married in my late 20’s and had children. I adore my wife and children. I put my feminine feelings and emotions behind a wall and tried living just my masculine side. I didn’t wear anything for a few years. It almost killed me. I even tried sometimes to wear silky men briefs, but it was not the same, it wasn’t women’s panties. I thought I was doing reasonably well and could live out the rest of my life that way. Anyway without going into details a year ago my wife had an affair and it totally destroyed my masculine side. As the loving trusting husband I unknowingly did many things that actually helped her to have the affair. My manhood is gone, I don’t feel like a man anymore and I don’t think I ever will again. I love her so much and we are trying to continue on in our marriage. I tried for a few months to be neither man nor woman. I felt so empty inside. I realized that I couldn’t go on that way. I told her that I am left with no choice but to break down that wall and let my feminine side out. It’s all I got left. She says to go ahead that she understands but I know it is hard for her. I’m back to wearing lingerie and makeup, nothing really noticeable. I curl my eyelashes, wear clear mascara and foundation. I paint my toenails and use clear polish on my fingernails. I have never dressed totally as a woman because I am not passable. I would love to grow real breasts and be a women but I can’t do that to my family. One thing I know for sure is I will never purge again. I have to learn to accept who I am inside.
As I said in the beginning I am examining myself deeper than I ever have. I would like to hear your comments on how you would classify me as a crossdresser or a transsexual?