We are all selfish-but mostly its just me

[Kerigirl2009]

I have been doing some thinking and I think my wife is correct as well as alot of the GG-SO say "we are selfish" Here is my problem with this though I guess you could say it is me being selfish. I admit I am.
How are we suppose to deal with this without feeling like we are driving a wedge into our relationship with the ones that we LOVE the most. I am struggling with being honest with myself because I don't know what it is that I want after telling her my deepest secret, all I know is I hurt her by not trusting her with what is the real me. I was not being fair to her as well as myself.
I should have put her first, and should truly start to do whatever I can to show her at all times that she is the most important person in my life.
It wasn't fair of me to go into a lifetime together without her knowing all of me. For this I am truly sorry. I LOVE my wife and if I could turn back the hands of time I would. Unfortunately I can't but I would love to start fresh and show you the real me from the start. I am still searching for the real me and I hope that someday we can find out who I am together. I am selfish in that I don't want to lose the best thing in my life - MY WIFE
I am hoping that I can be honest with you as well as myself. BUT I am selfish and I am AFRAID of what our future holds. The risk of soul searching can be rewarding in building a strong relationship with the most important people in our lives, but we have to be willing to lose them all. At this time I am not willing to lose them at all, I am selfish and I am sorry for that.

[Katesback]

Ya know I have seen this soo many times. I am not sure it is selfish. It is what you are and the often self imposed constraints of being who you are that is the issue.

I have said it before and will say it again. I encourage anyone to do whatever it takes to be happy. On the other hand that endeavor often requres one to be willing to put everything on the line. Many are not willing to accept putting everything on the line and so they take the REALLY bumpy road.

Katie

[Lorileah]

I think what you said here would be an excellent start. "I am sorry that I didn't tell you before. This is who I am . Can we discuss this and see if there is a way we can work together. Trust me I am still the same person you have known for the whole time. I love you and I want for us to be together. Are there any questions I can answer?"

[VS Fan]

I suppose we are all different... consider the SO that is fully accepting and doesn't mind seing their partner sitting around in full femme regalia... if they don't mind it, then perhaps they wouldn't percieve the act of dressing as selfish since it's not inconveniencing the SO or robbing from time spent together. My case is one where although my wife knows about the dressing (now) she doesn't want to see me dressed at all... which forces me into the basement to do it, but then it *IS* taking away time from her and the family and therefore becomes or could be seen as "selfish".

Since CD is not "normal" behavior, it's hard to argue that her not wanting me to do it around her is "selfish", but in a way it is... but only if she is not willing to grant me some time on my own for the activity... just like any night that she goes out with friends etc doesn't make me feel that she is being "selfish."

So the final element becomes the amount of time spent doing it. My wife would be pissed if I spent every night in the basement playing video games and not hanging out with her and the kids... so for those of us that have these compromise situations ... it's all about moderation. (Which is difficult in the middle of a pink fog... believe me, I know!)

Just some random thoughts...

VS Fan

[Karen564]

Selfishness is one thing that I constantly see in many people on a regular basis, too many it seems want their cake & eat it too, well something has to give one way or the other, it's only the very rare & lucky few that can have it all..

Your one of the very few that I've seen to openly admit it...and with that, means you may not be as selfish as you think you are when your aware of it, because it makes you at least think about what your doing to the other..and that's a great start to seeing both sides of the coin in any relationship..

:2c:

[Karren H]

I think its just you.. I'm unselfish almost to a fault... And generous.. Kind. Thrifty.. Brave.. Clean.. And never ever tell a lie!!

[Kate Simmons]

It's the nature of the "beast" Keri. The crossdressing entity is very demanding, vain and as you said selfish. The real challenge for most of us is getting a handle on it to control it. That requires getting in touch with the real feelings that drive it and managing them to balance the energies.

[Kerigirl2009]

Karren you make me laugh, :) I think I have to think some more until I come up with a plan of action. But I want to include my family. Which is not a possibility at the current time. But it is all good and I hope will get better with time.

[Chixxie]

Every human being is selfish.

Yes, you read that correctly.

It's just that some are more so than others. It's a basic building block of our very persona.

"But I donate to charity anonymously!" Joan Q. Public retorts.
What, and that doesn't make you feel good?

The word "selfish" is usually regarded as a bad word.

In reality, it simply means that you do things because of how it makes you feel, regardless of how it affects others.
So, when you think about it, every decision you make, is based on some level of selfishness.

If your wife cannot understand how important your secret is to you...
And dwell on how she is hurt because you didn't tell her sooner...
Then she will undoubtedly miss out on on the fact that you did allow her to know of it, when you could have easily continued to keep it hidden from her.

I am sure, there was some things that she did not reveal to you until later on in the relationship....how is this any different?

[sherri]

... I guess you could say it is me being selfish. I admit I am ... I should have put her first, and should truly start to do whatever I can to show her at all times that she is the most important person in my life ... I am selfish in that I don't want to lose the best thing in my life - MY WIFE ... At this time I am not willing to lose them at all, I am selfish and I am sorry for that.Am I misreading you, or are you employing a play on words? It seems to me that you're saying your selfishness is not the CDing as everyone seems to be assuming, but about being unwilling to risk your marriage, which is your true priority. If that's correct, it's certainly nothing to be ashamed of. To the contrary.

If over time you can patiently find ways to show your wife the genuineness of your feminine side while assuring her with equal sincerity that she is your first love and priority, maybe, just maybe, she can find it in herself to reciprocate your devotion with some acceptance.

But if she can't, if she's just not geared for that, you can't really blame her at this late date, and then my friend, you must make a difficult choice. If it comes to that, I would only remind you that true love and chemistry are scarce commodities in this ol' world, and your wife's heart is a precious thing, and when she's gone she's gone. If you think a life of solitary freedom to dress as you wish when you wish is worth the trade-off, I'm here to tell you ... that alone is not enough for true happiness.

If I've read you right, you seem to already know this. I just wanna give you a shout out from the amen corner.

[Kerigirl2009]

Sherri you read it correctly. My wife is the most important person in my life. I know that when I dress I hurt her emotionally. But when I do not dress I am hurting myself emotionally. This is where the selfishness comes into play. Deny myself which is a huge part of me or figure out what is best for my wife and family. I love them all. Hard choices to deal with. Again I know what I should do for my family but that means denying myself something about me that I also love.