Transitioning in place

[Faith_G]

Is it a good idea or a bad idea? I love where I live, and I like my job and the people I work with - both customers and co-workers. But I do live and work in a conservative area, and the company I work for is not a big one. I'm blessed to be single with no kids, which certainly makes this much less complicated.

I'd like to hear from everybody on this, FtM's, MtF's, those who kept their jobs and homes, and those who moved away and started over.

Those who have transitioned in place, how did you approach it and how did it go? What went well and what would you do differently?

From those who made a clean break and started fresh, I'd like to know what pushed you in that direction and if you'd do it differently if you could have another try at it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's a totally personal thing in my mind...for me, I have 2 kids, and i live very close to Philadelphia...my family is from pottsville and st clair pa, so u are not too far away from me... i worked in a huge compan as an executive...all this entered into my thinking. i also waited until my mid 40's to start a transition..

i stayed home and i'm glad i did.

i'm blessed with a supportive family and its been great to rely on them. I befriended a number of ts women in the philly area and that has been a wonderful support network for me...

i am not going to be able to keep my job...i did take a leave of absence and they are using the "its a depression excuse" and i am not making any headway to get back..

i hope that helps...feel free to pm me..

all the best
Kate

[CharleneT]

I can only tell you about my experiences as it goes, I'm transitioning in place right now. Like you, I do not want to move away. With that comes the certainty that there will be a lot of people here who will never be able to see me as a woman because they knew me as a man for so long ( I've been in this town for 30 years). I do live in a fairly liberal University town. There are two advantages with that: people tend to leave here a lot so there is regular turn-over in who you know, and those here feel a "need" to be accepting - whether they are or not.

As for the how, I've been going slowly at first. As of Jan 1 I'm going full time, so it is going to speed up ;) But it is also winter, a time when you don't see as many people and you tend to be bundled up. So I'll be a little more stealthy than in the middle of summer when it is so hot everyone wants to run around naked ... but stops just short of it.

[Frances]

I transitionned without moving or changing work. Nobody in the neighbourhood seemed to mind. They may have perceived me as female already for all I know.

As for work, I strongly suggest a slow approach. I have friends that kind of surprised their workplace and things did not go well. After being in therapy for a while, and after I had proved myself as a reliable and valued employee (about a year in the job), I announced to HR and my superviser that transition was a strong possibility in the future. About a year later, I told them that I needed to write a letter to my co-workers explaining that I was about to transition soon, but not right away, so that we would all have time to talk about it and get used to it. My company wrote a letter as well showing their support, and gender identity was added to the non-discrimination clauses of the employee handbook. From that moment on, I used the special needs bathroom.

Six months after, I started going to work as Caroline and started using the women's bathroom with everyone else. The company made an announced again, telling everybody to refer to me by my female name, and that I would use the women's bathroom.

It is not everybody's opinion, but I strongly believe in the Real life experience and overcoming fears of showing oneself at public places one used to frequent. I was very afraid, but acted like I wasn't. I would hold my head up high and walk in my local shops with the attitude that my transition was nobody's business.

I live in a big city though. It is a little anonymous.

[Eileen]

Faith in a round about way I did both. I went to AZ for a few months to get away from the cold and snow in VT. While there, I applied for and was hired for a p/t night audit position. The owner seemed more concerned that I would not stay than that I was a trans woman. A year later I took time off to return to VT to sell my house. While there I called my old boss and told him I was living as a woman. His answer was "good for you". He said that would not be a problem and to come over and he would have some work for me. While in VT I worked, on call, at my old dispatch position. Both seemed to work for me. It is a difficult call and I would not know what to tell any one to do.

Eileen

[kellycan27]

i stayed home and i'm glad i did.


i am not going to be able to keep my job...i did take a leave of absence and they are using the "its a depression excuse" and i am not making any headway to get back..


Kate

Unless you plan on living as a hermit... you're gonna have to to that leap of faith sometime. If you stay and transition in place..... you are are going to be the guy that is transitioning from m2f. If you get a new job someplace else..guess what.. you're still gonna be the guy is transitioning from m2f. I don't really understand why someone would quit their job to transition at "home" Unless they plan on staying "home", sooner or later they are are going to have to bite the bullet. Whether you transition gradually or leave one day a man and return sometime later as a woman... people are going to figure it out. Acceptance is a crap shoot... and that goes for friends,family or co-workers,some are going be accepting, some won't. On the other hand if you can just show up at new job,and new town as a passable woman, moving away and starting over might be an option,but how realistic is this?
It's only natural to worry about what people will think, and if you are in fact worried about it..I don't see how doing it in front of strangers is going to change that. I think that most of us who do transition will tell you that more important than others accepting us is accepting ourselves. Once we accept ourselves, what other people think is of little consequence. You have to adopt an attitude of, this is me, take me or leave me. it is by no means easy, and let there be no mistake.... there are going to times when you just want to pack it in, but if you can pull it off it can be a beautiful existence. There is no magic... it takes balls to be a girl. Look at it this way.... Say you have a 50/50 chance of friends and family being accepting. If you move away you basically abandon all of them. If you stay, you may still lose that 50% of unaccepting, but you still have that 50% that can and will accept you. Just a thought.
:hugs:

Kelly

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kelly...can you clear up your comment for me as it relates to my quote..?

Maybe my comment was mixed up...(like usual!! heh)..

I am pretty pragmatic...i'm well past the point of caring what people think, and i've totally accepted my fate...i'm having no trouble being Kate in the short term family, neighborhood, mall and grocery store world ...i'm thriving right now except for working.

In my job world, I had a high ranking position in my company...as i set off on transition, the push/pull was very strong..on one hand, i wanted to keep making money and I made very good money..i also had ALOT of responsibility, ...but like I think you are pointing out...its incredibly attactive to me to just be myself and try to live as a woman, regardless of the financial cost to me..and having EVERYONE know the old me was not attractive to me

Also, i'm very realistic and i'm pretty sure that no matter how hard I try as people get closer to me they will figure out i'm not a genetic woman.

When i started transition, i felt like i needed to fix MYSELF first, which I don't believe I could have done on the job...i didnt quit, i was given a leave of absence and I kept my healthcare etc, so I've been comfortable financially at least for this year

this was a good decision as it relates to my transition...not having the stress of a 60+ hour a week job was vital

so my leave is ending and i've met folks in the company and i've been totally stonewalled..i've met with 2 lawyers, and they both tell me that altho i could make a stink, there is a burden on me to prove discrimination, and that its highly unlikely i would gain from starting a big fight
..i also have 2 teenage kids, they are both doing great with my transition so far..so i don't want to be in the papers etc etc..

I'm guessing that over the next month or two my exit will be final and hopefully i'll be able to keep my health care for a while and perhaps get some severance..and then i'll move on

depending on how i'm accepted as a woman (i'm realistic about this), i'll make decisions going forward as to how I want to live, but in all cases, i'm hopeful to stay close to my kids while they are in high school..

perhaps i'll go to school, and move away in a couple years..this makes some sense because I'll be even more comfortable and settled in my female life, and my kids will be grown and i'll see them as much as any parent with college age kids

I think I would ultimately be happy with a life as Kate, and with meeting new people. I'm already meeting lots of new people that only know Kate and it feels wonderful.

Whether people would know about my past or not will be irrelevant...BUT they will only know me in the present as Kate, they will never have met the male person and they'll accept me for me...or not

i bet all of us could write a book about our specific details and its always intersting to see what decisions people are making..but in the end...i think you sum it up best...nothing else matters if you don't accept yourself and doing that takes alot of courage..

[Mariah]

I quit my job, abit it was a vary hostil invierment in the first place (bigots and perves >.< ) now I live with my parents, getting "your a guy" speeches from my father who only call me "my youngest son" and sermons from his parents about I'm going to hell. can't find a job in town, freakin collage students, no on wants to higher a simi disabled person anymore. stay where you are, work it un til you get fired or what ever. the money you'll need. freedom comes at a price.

Mariah

[Veronica_Jean]

Faith,

I am in the process of transition now and working hard to retain my job in the process.

I work for a moderately large company and I informed them of my intentions March of this year. I think this has been a huge benefit in that I have given the company lots of time and options to help us all make my transition the best it can be for all involved.

I have several hurdles that most do not have in that I work on a military installation as a contractor and also require access to classified information. These factors can cause a lot of issues since I also work around other contractors.

I am still presenting as male for now but plan to change that this coming summer. I was able to increase my level of access with full disclosure to the government and the investigators. Although it was not something they run into often, they handled it with professionalism and I was grated the higher level of access.

My immediate supervisor, HR, several levels of management, along with one coworker and one customer all know of my transition. The company is very supportive and I suspect I may have some bumps in the road next summer it will go well. I have focused on becoming a valued member of my team, and providing above average capabilities to the customer as well. Nothing that anyone would not want to do in their job.

I both want and need to retain my job to support myself and my youngest daughter as I am also a single parent.

I had to giggle a little when reading Frances response as I live in a very small town in semi rural Ohio. I have been her 15 years and all the workers in the local stores (grocery, pharmacy, dollar store) know me by sight and some by name (I had two other children grow up here). I have spent the weekends and many evenings living as Veronica, and despite being scared to death, I have walked into these places like everything was fine, and so far that is how I am treated. I have been to the mall and had to show ID for credit card purchases with either no reaction or even being called Ma'am or ladies, when shopping with my daughter.

I have no illusions that I do not pass all that well, and my voice is very low. I think that presenting yourself with confidence and integrity overcomes a lot as far as the treatment and reaction of others towards you.

I have been on hormones since August and find the changes helpful and gratifying. I have the full support of my children and they are the only really important people in my life so that is all that counts.

We all need to follow our own path and this is mine.

Veronica

[carolinoakland]

See, this is why we come here. I am going through transition in place. I am lucky that I live in place in the world where I couldn't have it easier ( not that ANY of this is ever EASY!) which is the San Fransisco Bay Area. I work for a union, a tech union so we're a little more accepting, sort of. I mean I know that most women in my union are gay, but I never even knew of a gay man until recently. But hey the good news is that I get to be the FIRST! Woo Hoo! Nothing like being a trailblazer no? Well, there is no HR dept with my union, I work for multiple employers, I basically come out to a new bunch of strangers from all over the world EVERY time I show up for work. There was and still is no way for me to announce my change, we have members who I could climb up in front of and make a pubic announcement, but we also hire a significant number of non members who aren't allowed into the meetings. So I wound up being THE topic of conversation in the rumour mill for months, and I have to inform people of the truth when it happens. Like....
the number one question I get is....
" So, how long have you been Gay?"
my number one answear is...
" Technically.... not until AFTER the surgery."
I had one co worker who had heard about my gender change was completely taken by surprise that I'd changed my name to a female name, especially confusing when you consider there is NOTHING female about my former name, heck, there isn't even a female version OF my old name.
But, over all, the 100 percent of things that I thought would happen, 98 percent didn't. BUT I HAD TO BE READY TO LOSE EVERYTHING. If you can't, then you aren't ready.

And then I also get the other side of transition. I applied for and interviewed for another job in my industry, as Carol. Her first resume, interview. And there is nothing more validating than getting that job! I did. And it's so much easier, but there are no illusions that I am totally female yet, I am still in transition after all. And it's like kelli said above, I may be read as a ts, but at least they also DON'T know my former life,name. So no wrong names, pronouns.

And the one thing I will say about being a trailblazer, I KNEW I couldn't be the only transgendered person in a union of two thousand, the math just said I couldn't. So, I was happy to be the role model that lets people know that there is nothing wrong with being
Gener Gifted and had a co worker come out to me as a CD. It's how I pay back the steps taken by the REAL first timers. THAT was courage! Carol

[Shikyo]

When I first started having thoughts about transitioning I didn't really think about if I should stay where I was or move somewhere else. It slowly became the way it became with time without me really planning it out but more so following what the future had brought me. In the end I only waited until my current working contract would end before I actually started to live as a woman all the time. There were only few more months to go so that wasn't all that big issue. I went to work like I used to go. I did have female cloths and other things but no one seemed to care about that. Anyway I had already started with HRT before my contract had ended. After my working contract ended the first thing I did was to change my name after I had found out where and how I'm supposed to do it. It went a lot easier than I thought it would. After that I started looking for a new job, which took me way longer than I would have preferred to.

In the end it turned out that I stayed in this small village and I'm actually working in the same small village again. Every once in a while I do meet some of my old colleges or people who know me. I was nervous at first but in the end no one seems to care about my change at all. I'm slowly getting used to the whole matter with meeting people who actually knew my old self and I'm far from being as nervous as I used to be. I simply realized there isn't a reason to be nervous.

I think both ways have their advantages, so it's really hard to say which way would be the better choice. In my opinion the better way is the way that is going to be easier for yourself.

[PretzelGirl]

Since everyone here that is offering a view have been down the road, I thought I would offer the view of a co-worker (with an understanding attitude I suppose).

I work at a fairly large company. There are two people at my company that have transitioned (that I know of).

One was 10+ years ago and I don't know the circumstances around it since it was before I hired (did she stay put, how did it go, etc). If it wasn't for one friend that has been around a long time, I wouldn't even know about her. It seems that this is hardly known or spoken about at all since it doesn't seem to be common knowledge and I hardly ever hear it brought up; it is usually that one friend. I suspect this is because all things go away over time and she is living her life without her transition being a big deal here at this point.

The second apparently started her transition just before I hired on about five years ago. This one was an in place transition. Management was all told to talk with their people and inform them that it was happening and to reiterate the company policies on discrimination. In the five years since, I have heard a lot of conversations about her. Most conversations have been either of the curiosity type or just straight out supportive. There was one person who would always have nasty comments and would make rude, scoffing noises when walking past her. He had far more social problems than just that as you might guess. He, thankfully, is gone. Now that five years has past, it is rare that I hear anyone bring her up.

So the points I believe I have to offer from a person at a distance. There will be talk, people can't help themselves. The large majority seem to be either supportive or indifferent (and to clarify, the people I hear talking are not friends or close workers of her). There will be jerks as I think there are in all parts of life. But over time, things become forgotten or old news and you hear less and less about it.

I hope that helps some.

[Faith_G]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, it gives me a lot of confidence that I can do this. I'm not expecting it to be all sunshine and lollipops. I'm a little concerned about the work situation because it's a small company and to many of the customers I am the face of the company. Work will be the last to know, but I don't plan to tell them on a Friday and expect to be working as Faith on Monday. That will take some time and planning, and might mean a diferent position with the company - or migh mean I need to find a new job.

My major concern for now is keeping family relationships intact. I get along well with all my siblings and my Dad, and I don't want to lose those relationships over this.

[Shikyo]

My major concern for now is keeping family relationships intact. I get along well with all my siblings and my Dad, and I don't want to lose those relationships over this.

There isn't really much you can do about it. You will end up telling them sooner or later and it's up to them how they will react to this matter. If they truely "love" you, I really don't see why they would stop doing that if you would tell them the truth about yourself.

Myself, I was worried about that as well. So far, no one from my family or relatives I've told about this has really "cared" of my change. In fact, especially my relation to my sister has gotten much better since then.

[Stephenie S]

While I aree with what Kelly and most others have said, there remains one salient feature to be considered. If you transition in place, you will always remain "that tranny". If you change jobs, you at leasst have a chance of beginning a new job as the woman you really are.

All this depends, of course, on how well you can present as "the woman you really are". If you have no female presence, or a poorly developed one, you will have difficulty even on your new job. But for sure, if you remain where you transition, you will always remain that guy who decided to be a girl.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Carole Cross]

I am transitioning at home but I will quit my current job before I go full time. My job is at a company involved in the manufacture of IT server raxks and utility cabinets and is very male dominated, in fact the factory building where I work has no female employees. We do have a MtF contract worker who comes in occassionally, not employed by the company, and I have heard some of the comments made about her and would not like the same said about me. I do not like the workplace so I believe a clean break is the best way for me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My major concern for now is keeping family relationships intact. I get along well with all my siblings and my Dad, and I don't want to lose those relationships over this.

Faith...I have a sister, brother and dad is still kicking....i got along GREAT with them...you can't judge what will happen until well after the initital disclosure...they all reacted totally differently, but in the end i still get along GREAT with them...

as an aside, i was most worried about my dad, and least worried about my sister...their reactions were totally opposite and after my disclosure to sis, i wondered if we would ever see each other again!! now we are better friends than ever...

its very ironic..i knew i had a loving family and this is a huge blessing, but i worried SOOOOO much about hurting them and ruining our "perfect" family...and in the end, they just continued to be a loving family and totally accepted and even embraced me...of course thats what loving families are supposed to do..duh

Based on your posts, I am guessing you will do great...you have your act together

all the best
kate

[Sharon]

We're all different, with different family, work and social influences and interferences. There is no one correct way to transition. The thing I am most concerned about is that something as life-altering as this should occur with strength and determination and not with weakness. Do whatever you do not because of fear of unknowns, but because of what is best for you.

[Sally24]

If you have a good job you like I would at least to attempt to transisiton in place. If it goes badly you can always switch to going to another place for a clean start. What are you losing by staying?

[pamela_a]

Do whatever you do not because of fear of unknowns, but because of what is best for you.

I thing Sharon summed it up best. I transitioned at home and where I've worked for the last 10 years and it's gone well for me but it was the right thing for me to do.

Only you know your situation best, but don't throw away what you have out of fear of what might happen. Many times what we fear worst never happens anywhere but in our minds.


-Pam-

[CharleneT]

While I aree with what Kelly and most others have said, there remains one salient feature to be considered. If you transition in place, you will always remain "that tranny". If you change jobs, you at leasst have a chance of beginning a new job as the woman you really are.

All this depends, of course, on how well you can present as "the woman you really are". If you have no female presence, or a poorly developed one, you will have difficulty even on your new job. But for sure, if you remain where you transition, you will always remain that guy who decided to be a girl.

Lovies,
Stephenie

Hey Stephenie, I agree. For me, I can only hope that eventually I become more than just "that tranny". I could end up as something along the lines of 'our tranny :) ' A positive view point where those who've known me surely still know what I once was, but yet are happy to know me now as a woman. Maybe even happier about the new me than the male me. So yes, I'll always be "that guy...." to long time residents, but over time they may stop consciously thinking that way. At least that is my hope.

[Melissa A.]

This is a great topic to discuss, and it's wonderful to share experiences with eachother, even if your own circumstance is unique. I moved, but not real far, and I stayed with the same company, where I'll be coming out very soon. I work for a very large freight railroad. Which, needless to say, is a very male-dominated place to work. When I was upstate, I was on the road, and worked out of a large terminal in Albany, NY. My trips would take me to either North Jersey or Boston, where I would stay in a hotel for rest for anywhere from 8 to 20+ hours until the phone rang for you to go back to work. The thing with working out of Selkirk(near Albany) was that it was a huge place with hundreds of guys coming and going all the time. I knew many, but didn't know many others. I always worked with someone different, almost every trip. Sometimes I would work with someone and not see them for months, or catch them 3 trips in a row. At my destinations, there were always different yard people, yard masters, trainmasters, and even always different people at the hotel desks. It occured to me that while transitioning under these circumstances wouldn't be impossible, it would be alot more complicated than a small yard somewhere where I would see the the same few people every day. So, that's what I did. I now work in a small yard in the Bronx, and no more hotels, or getting called to work at all hours. I know when I'm going to work, and I get to go home every day when I'm done. I've been here since June, and my first goal was to establish that a) I know what I'm doing, and b) that I'm friendly and easy to get along with. I believe I have done that. Now, just because I moved 200 miles south doesn't mean I left the past behind completely. There was an incident about 2 years ago where I lost my cell phone in Massachussetts, and when it was turned into a yard out there, because many of the phone numbers on it were for my company, the person who got a hold of it assumed that not only was he entitled to look at my private property, but when he saw pics of Melissa there, that he was also entitled to share it with others. So for me, the cat has been out of the bag, in some way, for a while. Years ago I would have panicked over this, but at this point, I really didnt care. And again, whatever people thought about this, they knew I could do my job. And in an industry where it's very easy to get yourself or someone else killed, that's worth something. The railroad is a small world, and just like any other proffessional world, people talk. I'm not oblivious, I know they talk about me. And I know stuff about me has followed me down. They all know eachother. I have seen crap on bathroom walls about me(although not at my current location) and I don't care. I dont even cross it out. I leave it there. I don't get involved in that kind of childishness. The thing is, throughout my 5 months here, I have gotten along well with just about everybody. Even as I have started showing up to work every day in women's jeans and t-shirts, and making no attempt to hide my pretty obvious breasts anymore. I told one guy a few weeks ago, and he told me that if I need an ally, he's there for me, and he won't tolerate any hate.

I do have a point to my very long story, really! (sorry) In fact, a couple. And they apply to everything, not just your work. First, whatever nightmares you have swirling around inside your head, however you have pre-judged other people's ignorance and hate, All of it is probably 10 times worse than actual reality. Beieve me, I know this. Will there be some uncomfortable moments? I'm sure. Will there be a few people who simply won't accept me, or even talk to me? Yep, probably. But it's really never as bad as your nightmares. There was a time when I thought I could never, ever come out at work. Now, I can't wait to.(Mostly because I'm already out everywhere else! I mean, let's get ON with this, already! lol) And very often, people will surprise you, pleasantly.

Secondly, and this goes to the heart of this thread, I believe that people who already know you, whether it's for 5 months or 5 years, have, even if you aren't close with them, a certain amount of decency and emotional attachment invested, where you are concerned. It's alot harder to hate someone when you know their story. Or see their humaness, day in and day out.. Or, in the case of the workplace, you already know that you can depend on them.
That goes for outside work situations, as well. I may have moved 200 miles, but I didnt cut ties eith everyone, either. I still see my family just as much. Some of them, more. Actually, I think I got the best of both worlds, because on top of that, all of my new friends down here ONLY know me as Melissa. They don't even know my given name(pretty cool!) but I didn't have to fall off the face of the earth, either.

I told the company over a year ago, and they were mostly fine. Most large corporations are, these days. I was never worried about the company. Besides, I'm in a Union. They need a better reason than transsexualism to fire me! I was always more concerned with the guys I have to work with, who, for the most part, I genuinely do like. I am about to come out in, on the face of it, one of the most macho industries there are. And this caused me quite alot of anxiety for a long time. If I can do this, I think most people can.

I suppose there are people for whom cutting all ties and starting over might be necessary. For me, transitioning in place(sort of!) made alot more sense. Besides, I live in the greatest, most interesting city in the world! I realise big city life isn't for everyone. But for me, this has worked, so far.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Angel.Marie76]

Ohh.. a good topic indeed, and I suppose, something that we've all talked about before probably at least a million times or two. ;)

Seriously though, I've chosen to transition in place. I live in MA, which we all know is generally a very progressive state. I live just up the road from one of the two (IMHO) major cities in this state that are THE most progressive, Northampton. One of my very good friends and colleagues in my industry had his father transition m2f about 10+ years ago. My therapist is a transwoman that's 20+ years post-op. Basically all my friends are SO open and progressive that when I came out to them, about 90+% of them embraced me with open arms. I have at least 1-2 trans support groups that I'm connected to, with several folks that are quickly becoming the bestest of friends. I could keep going on the good..

However, realistically, I have not come out to my employer yet. Of course, though, as we know, I'm not exactly hiding. I am working on my RLE, living as myself as much as I can, with every moment that I can. Going out to clubs, shopping, dinner, the salons, meetings, you name it. If I'm not working, I'm out if I can - with exception of one area roughly - the town I live and work in. Out of consideration for my son mostly, I have been keeping myself under wraps right now to some extents in this town/city. His school doesn't generally know, and my work doesn't generally know right now. My son's extremely concerned for his harassment factor, and has announced to me several times he feels like he's loosing his mind a little with worry that people are going to hate him when they find out his dad is trans. I feel really bad for him in that respect, and I'm trying to work with him, his therapist and mine, and am trying to get him to interact with myself and my trans friends and THEIR kids of similar ages. He's slowly learning that people out in the world, generally aren't afraid of transfolk or are just openly respectful.

My family, besides my son, are another consideration. My parents know, but are in no way ready for the barrage of the rest of the family questions. So, for their sake I haven't gone and bulk-called my other family and been like 'Hey! I'm trans!' or anything like that. Sure, I expect that, sometime soon, folks will pick up on what's going on and then the flood gate will open. I'll have to deal with that then, and hopefully have a good collection of information to give to my folks when that time comes. Meanwhile I'm bleeding myself through little by little in front of my folks, and they're absorbing slowly, and seemingly dealing ok. They're definitely concerned for my son's well being too, so that's as worry added from them. sigh.

Last on my thoughts, though perhaps most importantly, is my work. I do work in a relatively conservative organization - both customer facing and back-end. Now, my career choice has a unique benefit that long-haired and, well, lets just say eccentric individuals are generally accepted because let face it, sometimes folks do see you for your skills and not necessarily your looks. OK. Add the fact my organization has had some gay and lesbian folks working for us, and they've been greatly supportive. Unfortunately most of those folks have either quit or left for various reasons - though TWO of the three I can think of have been on my team, and one is still there.. he's a 20+ year employee of the company, on my team, and he's gay. The other fellow that was flamboyantly gay was a come-and-go staffer, just didn't make it on the team. Either way you cut it, my shop's seen some need for openness.

Alright then, so, I've already bumped into my HR director twice out on the town, once at the salon, and once out to dinner. So, I talked with her unofficially, and she basically told me that she's probably the last person that I need to be worried about. However, she noted, there are probably a few others in the shop that will likely have problems with it, and, of course, I'd just have to deal with that. Add to it that the 2nd in command's daughter-in-law put 2&2 together and I came out to her and she's /totally/ on board and supportive; so is the HR assistant... and my gay teammate. It's only a matter of time before I'll need to at least go in and talk, officially, about my plans for transition, hopefully to start hormones in the next ~6 months. My greatest wish right now is that the fully inclusive ENDA clears the administration soon so that when I choose to come out I'll have just that much more protection. For now I can still stealth it at work a bit, but for any coworkers that are paying attention, the fact that I wear my hair down 24/7, have layers, highlights, and bangs in, generally have long nails, and lets just say my femininity is nicely working into daily life one accessory at a time...

My life is where I live, my son's in middle school, and soon to start Jr. HS. His friends and family are here, and I don't want him to loose that, but at the same time, I know it will be hard for everyone over time. I expect and am trying to plan for, as much as possible, the crappier parts of life during transition. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and hoping for the best. I don't think I would do anything differently at this point, I don't have any regrets - as I say here on my avatar - I'm not letting fear guide me. If I start 'loosing' parts of my battle, the scars acquired will only serve to show me how strong I can truly be. If you choose a similar path, I wish you the very best strength you can muster.

Phew, braindump at 2am in the morning.. he he. Time for sleep. :)

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I have been transitioning at my workplace for the last year slowly. I've been adding more feminine clothes, shoes, jewelry and makeup while I've been taking hormones. The last month I started wearing a bra as the breast's were getting more noticeable.

I've also been talking with my management, HR, VP and my boss. I've also talked with people I work with personally and have received an accepting response from all. I work within a large Corporate 500 company, top 30 to be exact, so their corporate policies do include harassment and diversity wording that includes transgender and gender in them. My name change is legal tomorrow on the 30th of November and when I return to work Dec 1st I will be presenting always as Kimberly.

One of the things my HR manager said to me was that my approach to transition, by changing aspects of my appearance slowly like wearing fem blouses than jewelry, then makeup etc over time, allowed people to become used to my change in appearance. They saw no change in my personality so they absorbed things well. Last Monday while I was on vacation my management made the announcement of my transition to my fellow employee's at work, stating I will be Kimberly when I return.

But don't be afraid, you need to be you. Remember animals can smell fear in other animals, If your not comfortable yet to transition wait till your comfortable with yourself, otherwise your fellow workers will sense that. Confidence with yourself goes a long way in the transition process. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[LanaFairmaiden]

I'm getting ready to transition in place also. I'm full-time outside of work. I've already come out to everyone in my personal life, which includes my co-workers at a very small company. The only remaining hurdle is the workplace, because I deal directly with clients and like Faith, I'm the public face of the company for a lot of our clients.

I don't expect it to be a problem for my existing clients. I work in Marin County after all. Very liberal area within the within the very liberal SF Bay Area. But when I'm trying to win over a new client, well.... That's my main concern.

I've just started hormones and have gotten far enough with facial hair removal, growing my hair out, earrings, jewelry, the purse and androgynous work attire that I'm being read by some of my clients. (One called to offer support after one of my recent visits.) All in all, I expect to go full-time within a year.

And my co-workers are no problem. They've all seen me as Lana (with all my appointments, I've had times where I had to change at work, or change on the way back to the office.) I even had Thanksgiving with my employer and his extended family this year.

Will I be "the tranny"? Well, sure. I have the same issue with all my friends getting used to the changes also. But they'll get used to it, adjust their thinking and move on. I'm not going to blow away all the good and stable relationships in my life so I can be "the tranny" whose male name people don't know.

Even if I get to the point where I pass perfectly, I'd rather own my trans-ness than going stealth and living in fear of being outed.

[Jessinthesprings]

as far as conservitive areas: One never knows what will happen. The vast majority will leave you alone. I lived in Colorado Springs for 2 years with Army, and Air Force facilities all over and the ultra conservitive HQ of Focus on the Family. I only recived looks, and on one occasion a "WTF!" When it came to interacting with people on a buisness and professional level I have been treated with respect and proper pronouns.

So... If you don't want to move away and start over, I think if you want to give it a chance you will probably do fine, but of course one never knows. If if does not work for you then you can start over someplace else.

[Faith_G]

its very ironic..i knew i had a loving family and this is a huge blessing, but i worried SOOOOO much about hurting them and ruining our "perfect" family...Kate, you nailed exactly what I'm feeling! :eek: I'm especially worried about hurting my dad, I know he loves me and will always accept me but I know it will be hard for him and I feel awful about putting him through it.


I could end up as something along the lines of 'our tranny :) ' That's something for me to aspire to at work. :heehee:


First, whatever nightmares you have swirling around inside your head, however you have pre-judged other people's ignorance and hate, All of it is probably 10 times worse than actual reality. Beieve me, I know this. Will there be some uncomfortable moments? I'm sure. Will there be a few people who simply won't accept me, or even talk to me? Yep, probably. But it's really never as bad as your nightmares. There was a time when I thought I could never, ever come out at work. Now, I can't wait to.(Mostly because I'm already out everywhere else! I mean, let's get ON with this, already! lol) And very often, people will surprise you, pleasantly.Thank you for saying that, I needed to hear it.



Secondly, and this goes to the heart of this thread, I believe that people who already know you, whether it's for 5 months or 5 years, have, even if you aren't close with them, a certain amount of decency and emotional attachment invested, where you are concerned. It's alot harder to hate someone when you know their story. Or see their humaness, day in and day out.. Or, in the case of the workplace, you already know that you can depend on them.That is a great point, and one that I had not really thought about. I need to stop the negative thoughts about people and rely on the positive relationships I already have with them.


Ohh.. a good topic indeed, and I suppose, something that we've all talked about before probably at least a million times or two. ;) I know, but I wanted the latest scoop. New people show up every day, and as people move through and complete their transitions their thoughts on how things are going/have gone/coulda/shoulda/woulda may change.

My heart goes out to you and your son. That's a tough age for a kid to have to deal with crap from other kids, they are so vulnerable at that age.



But don't be afraid, you need to be you. Remember animals can smell fear in other animals, If your not comfortable yet to transition wait till your comfortable with yourself, otherwise your fellow workers will sense that. Confidence with yourself goes a long way in the transition process. That's the area I think I need to work on most. Years of low self-esteem and self-loathing are hard to overcome but I am working on it. The acceptance I find at church helps a lot with that.

[Beth-Lock]

When I first started having thoughts about transitioning I didn't really think about if I should stay where I was or move somewhere else. It slowly became the way it became with time without me really planning it out but more so following what the future had brought me. .....

In the end it turned out that I stayed in this small village and I'm actually working in the same small village again. Every once in a while I do meet some of my old colleges or people who know me. I was nervous at first but in the end no one seems to care about my change at all. I'm slowly getting used to the whole matter with meeting people who actually knew my old self and I'm far from being as nervous as I used to be. I simply realized there isn't a reason to be nervous.



I did not have any choice but to transition in place. Luckily, being long retired, I did not have to worry about how it would go on the job, and today, with the jobs situation, quitting your job is problematic indeed.
Things have gone smoothly in many ways, though for a while I feared for my life, though eventually the troublemaker moved on, (and is now pushing up the daisies himself).
Now I am facing the problem of at least in church, being as Steph put it, if not exactly 'that tranny,' but still thought of as being the same person I was as a male, people even greeting me using my male name. (My sister even addressed me as "Uncle ...," right in front of others in church, despite the fact I was completely dressed, in a skirt, etc. Maybe people just don't understand when they are being ignorant. After that the minister had a few words with them, and things have got a little better.)
So, I am thinking that as long as I continue to transition and get known to more of the people in the church, I will not be accepted fully as a woman, or at least not in the sense of being thought of as a woman. I have heard of similar little, nagging problems for a transwoman who already transitioned in place there. So, I am thinking of attending another local church instead. I guess that is a small price to pay, even though I like my old church and have been going there since I was a little kid.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Faith

I would encourage you by saying that after I told my dad it went very well as i mentioned...but even more important..he not only got thru it quickly..he did some crying...he had a tough time meeting kaitlyn..but he did it and was totally fine after the initial tears...but now he feels pride for me and thinks i'm doing the right thing no matter how difficult...
i bet you and your dad can get there...perhaps more quickly than you think

as i think back on it, i told my dad the day after i talked to him that he had taught me what a good father does when one of his children is hurting..

parents take care of their kids first, then we can all take care of them later!

[GypsyKaren]

I can understand why someone would want to start a new life in a new place and I would never fault them for that, but I've always believed in facing things as they come, where they come. I figured that maybe it would be tougher to stay put, but I like getting the tougher out of the way so it can't creep up on you later, and it will give you strength now.

Karen :g1:

[Elsa Larson]

Some transition and lose everything: family, friends, job, home.

Others transition in place and KEEP all those things plus they gain the respect of many people around them.

What's the difference? Probably how you already fit in with those around you. Most people who already love you and care about you will stand by you.

When speaking about transgender, I sometimes use this illustration: A big city reporter visits a small town where a prominent citizen has just come out as transsexual. When asked his opinion of the change, a yokel replies: "Yep, he's a G*d d*mned morphodite. But he's our morphodite and we love him."