Purging - breaking my own cycle

[~Emma D~]

Last weekend was not very good for me, this is an account of where my thoughts went over those few days.

It is quite long and for that I apologise.

Friday

Last Friday I was out for the night from work, with both male and female colleagues. I tend to avoid these events, partly as I prefer not too drink that much at night and more often than not, the girls are always impeccably dressed which only heightens my anxieties as the night goes on.

This night was different, sure I was envious of so many people that night, but late on in the night, a lady walked into the bar wearing a dress that I had bought myself two weeks earlier. She looked fabulous and the dress was so gorgeous on her, she made it look good – I could not help but notice her later as she was dancing with a guy - with the only thoughts going through my mind were of how I wished that was me – I was so jealous. I had the same dress and how I wanted to be wearing mine on a night out.

Making excuses, l left soon after – probably a bit worse for wear, particularly with my thoughts as they were. A few tears on the way home, just wishing!

Saturday

The following morning was worse again, at home I was overcome with guilt, hatred of myself, and saw no point in anything anymore.

There were a few femme things in my car, make-up and lingerie I had just bought and these were purged without any thought whatsoever. All my other possessions were where I could not easily get too, so they survived at that point.

Sunday

I retrieved the remainder of my possessions and put in my car, intending to give away to charity shop on Monday.

However, as the day went on, the question I asked myself, time and time again, was why – not again?
Becoming more and more gutted and sick at the thought of what I was about to do.

On Sunday night I read so many posts on the forum, including those of my own, realising that nothing had actually changed in my thoughts since I had joined, if anything, I had felt I was becoming stronger – so much so that I have gone out in public fully en femme.

Monday

I did not purge anymore, the cycle I have gone through so many times was broken on this occasion.

Thanks to Everyone:hugs:

[FireflyGG]

Sometimes internal wars are the most exhausting kind. Sending you a whole heap of hugs. :hugs:

[KayleeDahl]

Congratulations girl! I have been there so many times, i know the self-hate that comes from what we are expected to be, and what we want to be, and knowing how hard it is to bridge that divide.

I myself am certainly not where i want to be. But i did survive (mostly) my last two purge instincts, and i'm progressing to where I am more happy with myself.

Keep strong, and #$!* the expectations!

Hugs
-Sera

[Karren H]

Yeah!! Once you accept that this is not going away and embrace it.. Crossdressing becomes a tolt easier and a lot more fun! In my humble opinion.

[carolinoakland]

Oh, hon. I am glad to say that you have reached that point... where the insecurities that come about in our own minds take over our own self knowledge. You are doing nothing that hurts anyone... it makes you feel good. It's ok to give yourself permission to do something that feels good. It's hard because it makes us have to be alone most of the time, and we worry what others would think; but those thoughts come only when we are at are lowest... I'm so encouraged that you realized that throwing your stuff away isn't going to make sarah go away... the clothes don't make the girl in you, the clothes are the expression of the girl that IS you and will always be you. And cherish that special part of yourself, many never even know she's there inside. I'm a little diferent as I'm a TS. And maybe what you fear is that a life as a CD means you will eventually become TS... and that's a horse of a diferent color... one of my favorite sayings about the transgender rainbow is....

" All poodles are dogs..... but not all dogs are poodles."

I can relate to much of what you are going through, the insecurity's, the fear, the absolute horror of what friends and co workers would do if they knew? Do what you have to be safe in your life and your head. But repression only leads to violent confrontation. I used to struggle, purged so many times (god how much money!), and always found myself back to enjoying how I felt when I was Carol. My heart really goes out to you honey....

Here's something to hang onto, and, I think a little closer to what the problems you are faceing.

Being Sarah makes you happy. And if the price of that happiness is that you will spend the rest of your life alone.... it's worth it. And the thing is... your not alone! There are tens of thousands of people... Just.Like.You. And when you start just being happy and being you.... whether that's Sarah or the other bloke, you will start making friends. I mean you are HERE, and we love you for who you are... Sarah or otherwise.

On another note.... the woman wearing the dress that you bought... at least you weren't in it when you saw her. That happened to me at party... girl was wearing the exact.same.dress. My first thought when I saw her is..."Damn! I KNEW I should have worn the long dress!" The funny thing is... we're best friends now... and we laugh everytime one or the other calls or emails... " what are you wearing tonight?" Because aparantely we have the same GREAT eye for clothes. We are going to go shopping soon! Be good to yourself, you're the only one who knows how.... Carol

[TrekGirl1701]

Since joining this site, the moments of clarity and confidence definitely outweigh the moments of doubt and worry. Every time I read about a member having a positive experience from just being themselves gives me a lot of confidence. :)