GG Could use some advice please....

[stargirlGG]

Hello;

New here. Been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Figured out that he was a CD relatively early on. He under dresses every day and fully dresses about twice a week. We don't live together due to kids and probably won't for a few years when the kiddies are out of the house. We do spend about 3 kid free nights a week together. Often those nights are spent in with him dressing. As far as I know I'm the only one who knows.

The issue that I am having trouble with is getting him to talk about it. He claims that he doesn't feel any different when he dresses and just doesn't want to talk about it. He's very very closed about his feelings re: CDing and I've tried to get him to open up but he just won't. I'm totally fine with it...have shopped with and for him, help him with his make-up, have been totally supportive. He's quite obviously way happier and more relaxed and fun when he's dresses, but his inability to talk about it is really starting to get to me. I think he's so ashamed on some level or in some sort of denial that he just doesn't want to deal with his feelings, maybe...who knows. It's frustrating and sometimes the whole thing just freaks me out. Mainly because I don't know what's going on in his mind. Maybe he doesn't know either.

I believe that I'm the first person in his life that he's dressed with, but who knows. He just won't go there. I'm not really sure about exactly what I'm asking, but I would appreciate any insight that any of you may have about how to get him to talk or what might be going on in his mind.

Thanks in advance!

[sherri52]

Welcome to the site Stargirl. I'm glad your standing by your man. It is tough for a cd to come out and talk with someone for the first time. He may be ashamed which I don't thimk so because he dresses with you there . He possibly doesn't know where to begin. Try asking him to dress before he does and mention to him that he is more fun when he dresses. Be careful not to take his manhood away as you talk. A lot of us like to dress and act and if lucky enough look like a woman but when we are dressed like men want to be just that men. If you can have him join this site it may help him to open up with you. Have him browse around until he is comfortable. Let him choose his own name and don't tell him yours thereby having his own privacy. I think the girls here may help him in his own understanding of himself.:hugs:

[Kate's at home]

First, welcome to the site! It's great to have you join us.

Your impressions and/or intuition about your boyfriend may in fact be right on track. I'd bet on it, especially if he is relatively young. He may in fact be early in a long period of adjustment within himself, like most of us have gone through over time. It takes time to figure out within, much less with others. There is very definitely a developmental aspect to this that seems to go along with and run parallel to "normal" adult development simultaneously. And as you will see here, everyone "lands" at different places over time.

Again, trust your intuition. I would recommend approaching this with him in the same manner and same implied questions you have presented here. Try to be a bit patient if you can. You also absolutely have the right to be concerned and to ask with the idea of honest responses in return. Healthy and loving realtionships are built on this, of course.

It sounds like you really love him. He's blessed to have you. And good luck.

Kate

[Kathi Lake]

Stargirl,

I'm not so sure that you're the first one to talk to him about it. Sure, there's shame. Sure, there's awkwardness in being a crossdresser at times. Clamming up about it to someone who is supportive seems to be to be a sign of "once bitten, twice shy" to me.

Are you looking for a reason? Are you looking for not only what it means to him, but to you as well? Are the reasons really that important? He may not know many of the answers to the question you're asking himself.

Basically, I would suggest clearly letting him know that you want to understand him, but want to take it at his pace. Let him know that there is no shame in it in your eyes, and that you're ready and willing to support him when he is able to talk about it. It may take time. He's been dealing with it for most of his life, and still may not have all the answers.

Kathi

[sissystephanie]

I really agree with Sherri's advice. Get him on the Forum and let him see what others CD'd do in similar circumstances. He will probably open up when he feels comfortable!

I do want to say, bless you for being accepting and supportive. GG's like you are all too few and far between. I was lucky enough to be married to one for almost 50 years before I lost her! He is very lucky to have you! Good luck to both of you!:hugs:

[sheidelmeidel]

First of all, you are being a very good girlfriend to him and he has confided in you about something that is very private and personal - perhaps the most private, personal thing for a man to reveal. He is lucky to have you.

The fact that he does appear to be comfortable dressing around you is a big plus - not only has he told you about it, he's showing it to you. I would urge you not to pressure him and not get too "freaked out" about his reluctance to verbalize what's going on - it is obviously very difficult for him and, as you said, he may not really know himself what's driving him or he may be in deep denial about it.

If you care for this guy, which apparently you do, just let time do its work. You can gently bring it up, in passing, maybe just in jest - gently lead him along - let him know that you would like to hear from him what's going on inside, but don't put him under pressure, that is likely to ruin everything. The more you show him that he can trust you and count on you, the more likely it is that eventually he will start talking.

:2c:

[Sheila]

hun, for many of them it is hard to put into words how they feel, for many many reasons, sometimes it is shame, other times they can't find the right words to try to tell others who have not walked in their shoes ............ my ex was unable to open up and talk with me when I discovered his cding .... it frustrated the HE*L out of me, cos I was fine with it ....... shortly after I discovered he CDed I joined htis forum and in the G only section got to know Sandra ..... after about 3 months her and her partner came to the town where I then lived, we met them and boy did he sing like a canary, I sat their open mouthed in astonishment :eek: ............. he said afterwards it was because he did not have to dot the I's and strolke the T's ............ he did not have to use all the right words when talking to Nigella, because she already knew where she was coming form .......... hope that makes sense ...... it did to me at the time :hugs:

Once you have your ten posts in, apply to join us in the FAB forum, there are some great GG's in there who will be able to help :hugs:

OWWWWWW and hiya and welcome to the forum :)

[sherri]

I don't want to cloud the water, or appear to disagree with sherri52, whom I'm confident is honestly and accurately conveying how she feels.

But for others, like myself for example, it isn't a matter of male and female modes and being treated appropriately for each mode, but rather that a more thorough feminization has taken place or is taking place, so that we're pretty much the same no matter how we're dressed. I'm talking about a pretty fundamental transformation.

Anyway, whether or not that applies to your BFS situation, from my perspective, a reluctance to talk can be attributed to a couple of factors:


He/she may be in the process of sorting all this out for himself and may not understand it all well enough to be confident in his ability to adequately express himself, or to act out what's going on inside him. And as others have mentioned, sometimes there is a certain amount of embarrassment, even shame, that has to be overcome in the process of becoming more comfortable in his own skin.
He may not yet be secure enough in how you would react to full disclosure. This isn't necessarily any reflection on you personally or your relationship, but rather that the two of you just haven't yet arrived at that place of mutual understanding and trust on this particular issue.

But it sounds to me like you're on your way to getting there. Just don't push too hard right now, and be ready to respond to little cues and signs as he continues to test the waters.

Just a thought. :)

And as Sheila mentioned, I've heard a great many CDers and SOs talk about being helped enormously by interacting with other couples. Couldn't hurt.

[Karren H]

Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not.. But that's developed over the last 5 dceades... And it would be hard for me to open up to anyone especially on a subject that most people think borders on perversion... In my humble opinion

[Holly]

...He's quite obviously way happier and more relaxed and fun when he's dresses, but his inability to talk about it is really starting to get to me...First of all, :welcom:. How about telling him that you want to share those things that make him happy? Mental intimacy is every bit as important as physical intimacy and you want to be intimate with him in every way possible.

On behalf of the community, thank-you for taking the time to learn more about us. :hugs:

[TJ Tresa]

Oh my dear Star, why are you trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Has it occured to you that maybe he hasn't gotten anything to say about it. Men in general don;t talk as much as girls, and even though he likes to dress up as one doesn't mean he thinks like one. I know when I'm dressed I don't think or feel any differently than when I'm not dressed. My wife knows and has taught many little secrets about making the image more complete. But she doesn't expect me to communicate or relate on a feminine level. All of us CDers no matter how much we might want to can never have a female mind. W few of us may come close but will ultimately fall way short. Men and Women's mind simply work differently.
I think is great that you are accpeting and have helped him on a regular bases.
also I would like to welcome you to our forum, and one of the other girls said before try and get you SO to join that would be the easiest way for you to get him to talk about it, if in fact there is anything to talk about.

[RADER]

Welcome to the Site.


Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not.. most people think borders on perversion... In my humble opinion

What Karren said is true. I feel the same dressed, underdress, or not at all.
As was said in some post above, He most likley had a bad experience or
was scared that someone saw him dressed, or cought is clothes and made
a big deal out of it. Once shamed, he went into the " closet" as it were.
The fact that he came out to you is a good sign. Go Very slowly and he
will come out of the hard shell. One idea, Get him all dressed up, and sit
down to some girl type talk, Maybe on fashion, makeup etc. Then ask him
a slighty on the subject questions, work your way into it. I bet you will
get some responses. Good luck; you are a very special person to be careing
enough to find this site and log on. You are a in a million.:) Rader

[Melanie Bryant]

Welcome to my world...my wife cannot believe it when i tell her that i feel the same way both as him and as her. I aked her who else would i feel like.

[sherri]

All of us CDers no matter how much we might want to can never have a female mind. W few of us may come close but will ultimately fall way short. Men and Women's mind simply work differently.So which is it -- close, or way short? Maybe it's not the same for everyone? But I will grant you that "close" is as, um, close as most of us get. But it's not like I'm striving for that. For me, what it is is what it is. It has been a process of discovery, and still is.

[docrobbysherry]

Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not.. But that's developed over the last 5 dceades... And it would be hard for me to open up to anyone especially on a subject that most people think borders on perversion... In my humble opinion

Add in some; guilt, shame, sex, gender confusion, and see what u get, Stargirl!:doh:

It's a wonder ANY of us can work out what/who we r!:eek:

Much less, discuss it with someone we REALLY care about, who mite choose to leave us AT ANY MOMENT!:sad:

[Wen4cd]

Stargirl, your issue is that he doesn't talk about why he dresses? Or that me might not know why? I'm not sure exactly what you're asking either, but I think you're looking for general knowledge and thought on CDing.

I reckon this is the place for it. The 'why's' are always in discussion somewhere here, and there are many different schools of thought. You can pick which you like, or form your own.

A little reading will show that there is no one definitive answer, and that many people are in the same place as you and your SO.

Usually, the first thing we try to do away with is shame, before going on to "finding meaning." Sometimes finding some meaning erases shame, and it's a simultaneous process. And a lot of people just do what they enjoy, seeing no reason to do otherwise, as they harm no one doing it.

Welcome to the forum, btw!

[FireflyGG]

Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not.. But that's developed over the last 5 dceades... And it would be hard for me to open up to anyone especially on a subject that most people think borders on perversion... In my humble opinion

Sorry, tangent here...people really equate CD with perversion? That's ridiculous! (No offence to GG's who feel this way, I just don't share the same brainspace as you).

Seriously, if that was all the world had to worry about under the topic of perversion we'd all be better off. And better dressed. ;)

although I get the same thing from some people when they find out I'm into women and men. Apparently that's a one way ticket to hell. At least i'll get a kickass tan.

okay, carry on. :D

[PretzelGirl]

Sorry, tangent here...people really equate CD with perversion? That's ridiculous! (No offence to GG's who feel this way, I just don't share the same brainspace as you).

I (and probably many others) am glad you don't think that way. But it is not an uncommon theme that you will see here in many posts. Unfortunately, people like to think they are on higher grounds in order to degrade others. Calling one a pervert is far too common.

[FireflyGG]

I (and probably many others) am glad you don't think that way. But it is not an uncommon theme that you will see here in many posts. Unfortunately, people like to think they are on higher grounds in order to degrade others. Calling one a pervert is far too common.

I mentioned in my intro that I'm a very blunt person. I don't censor myself (although I'm rather proud that I'm not swearing on here as much as I usually do when I post in places) but that's just pure bullshit. There's nothing perverted about it (merely my two cents people. I don't want GG hate mail). it's clothing and bringing out ones feminine side. To be honest, I find nothing wrong with that.

Although this is coming from a GG who raised her kids to know that girls can play with tools and tonka trucks and hotwheels and boys can play with barbies and babydolls. My son (now 11) wanted to wear a dress and makeup and heels. Cool. we tried it out, I did his makeup, we took pics, and he loved it. Seemed to be a passing thing. No problem. If it was more? We'd talk and still no problem. My kids know that I'm a safe place no matter the topic.

I don't care what my kids grow up to be, or who my partner wants to dress as. When I love someone I love them to the core and I don't care who they date, where they sit on the gender fence, or what they wear.

I was saying to Melissa the other day, I am having way more fun here talking about makeup and shoes and fashion, than I do on my boards full of GG's. :D

[Andy66]

Stargirl, your issue is that he doesn't talk about why he dresses? Or that me might not know why? I'm not sure exactly what you're asking either, but I think you're looking for general knowledge and thought on CDing.

I reckon this is the place for it.
Listen to Wen. She's wise. Maybe you are asking something of your boyfriend that he doesn't know how to give you yet. Men and women really do process things very differently.

On the other hand, you shouldn't be expected to remain in the dark and frustrated forever. There may come a time after you have learned and done all you can, when you will have to take a hard look at whether your emotional needs are being met. I say this because I spent five years of my life with a dishonest man who had way too many secrets, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone else.

In the meantime, you're probably in the best place there is to listen and learn. :)

[suchacutie]

My wife and I "found" Tina one morning. I was 55 and we had been married 32 years. We had no road map and were totally not expecting to go down this road, so we had to make it up as we went. Since we didn't know how to separate out my feminine side, we gave her a name: Tina. We work hard to NOT overlap Tina with the self identity I had for 55 years. We felt that would be completely confusing.

So, my wife and I talk about Tina when she's not around, and Tina and she talk about me when I'm not around. My wife has asked me and Tina the same questions within a couple of hours say, "well, I expected that the masculine and feminine perspectives would be different!"

I'm not guaranteeing this will work for everyone, but it has sure worked for us and I thought it might be useful as one more arrow in your quiver.

tina

[silkenhose]

i think he should step up and talk to you. You are being open and want to be involved which is cool. It is obviously causing you heart burn and i think out of respect for you he should be open with you and if you want to discuss it then discuss it.

no matter how much we say dressing should be mainstream and or an everyday thing it is not and we need to help our partners understand and be a part of it.....if they want.

just a humble .02

silk

[Rachel Morley]

Sorry, tangent here...people really equate CD with perversion? That's ridiculous! .... There's nothing perverted about it (merely my two cents people. I don't want GG hate mail). It's clothing and bringing out ones feminine side. To be honest, I find nothing wrong with that.

Alleluia! .... the voice of reason. I am so glad you posted this as it was exactly what I was thinking. Karen thinks that CDing is a subject that most people (not Karen herself) think borders on perversion ... (in her humble opinion) ... well ok, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but mine is not the same as hers. I don't believe that "most people" think it's perverted and to be totally honest with you it kinda hurts me that we here can even talk about CDing and perversion in the same sentence. I think it's very much misunderstood by most people and that those people that do have such negative reactions that they think it's perverted are really the people that need the help!

To get back to the original poster:


He claims that he doesn't feel any different when he dresses and just doesn't want to talk about it. I find this quite hard to believe. Not that he didn't say it, but that that's how he feels. I have personally never met or known any Cder who feels nothing between the states of being dressed and not being dressed. Everyone I know feels different when they are dressed. It might be sexually driven or it might be about feminine expression or it it might be about living as the gender you where supposed to be born as but we all want to do it and it does change us ... otherwise why do it?

IMHO your SO is embarrassed about talking about it. It's my best guess that he doesn't want to talk about it because you'll ask him why he likes to crossdress, and he won't want to elaborate probably because (maybe?) he has fantasies involved with it that he doesn't want to share or perhaps that if he tells you how he really feels you'll maybe think differently about him and this might lead to you two to break up. There are many possibilities but I don't think you're doing anything wrong here. I guess I can only suggest that you be patient, loving, and affirming toward him and try to gently coax him out of his shell. If he really loves you he'll see that all you are trying to do is help him and understand "what makes him tick" ... because you love him too. Good luck. :hugs:

[stargirlGG]

Wow..thank you all for the really thoughtful replies. I'm a little overwhelmed. I've never talked to anyone about this and it's very cool to have found this forum and I appreciate the input. But it's also got me even more confused.


Stargirl,

Are you looking for a reason? Are you looking for not only what it means to him, but to you as well? Are the reasons really that important? He may not know many of the answers to the question you're asking himself.

Kathi

I'm not looking for a reason...I don't really need that, but i do want to understand it. Reasons aren't important but it would be nice to know what it means to him. It's a big deal. It's a really big deal. It must mean something on a very deep level and I would like to know what that is. Of course now I have to think about what this means to me. Sometimes I look at him when he's dressed and it's so surreal..and sometimes it's lovely and cute and sexy. So I have to think about things that I never would have dreamed of thinking about before.




But for others, like myself for example, it isn't a matter of male and female modes and being treated appropriately for each mode, but rather that a more thorough feminization has taken place or is taking place, so that we're pretty much the same no matter how we're dressed. I'm talking about a pretty fundamental transformation.

.


What exactly does that mean? You feel feminine all of the time so the dressing is just an extension of that? I guess if he's wearing panties and hose all of the time and nighties to bed and my robe when the kids aren't around it's not far from dressing all the way.


Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not..

How is that possible? Why got through all of the bother to dress and the hair and the make-up if you don't feel any different?


Oh my dear Star, why are you trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Has it occured to you that maybe he hasn't gotten anything to say about it.
.

It's absolutely occured to me that he has nothing to say about it. How can you have nothing to say about it? I don't think I'm trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill but it just seems to me that there must be all kinds of things to say. Ecspecially if you have someone who loves you and is willing to try to understand something so hard to understand.

Listen to Wen. She's wise. Maybe you are asking something of your boyfriend that he doesn't know how to give you yet. Men and women really do process things very differently.

On the other hand, you shouldn't be expected to remain in the dark and frustrated forever. There may come a time after you have learned and done all you can, when you will have to take a hard look at whether your emotional needs are being met. Thank you for that.





I find this quite hard to believe. Not that he didn't say it, but that that's how he feels.

IMHO your SO is embarrassed about talking about it. It's my best guess that he doesn't want to talk about it because you'll ask him why he likes to crossdress, and he won't want to elaborate probably because (maybe?) he has fantasies involved with it that he doesn't want to share or perhaps that if he tells you how he really feels you'll maybe think differently about him and this might lead to you two to break up. There are many possibilities but I don't think you're doing anything wrong here. I guess I can only suggest that you be patient, loving, and affirming toward him and try to gently coax him out of his shell. If he really loves you he'll see that all you are trying to do is help him and understand "what makes him tick" ... because you love him too. Good luck. :hugs:

thank you..yes, it is impossible to believe that there is no difference. And it is really hard to deal with the fact that I have been with someone for 2 years and have shared so many really wonderful things, I have supported this side of him completely and for that I feel that I am entitled to complete honesty...fear or no fear.

thanks again everyone. you've all really got me thinking and I so appreciate the posts. It's really nice to know that you're all out there and are so willing to share your experiences.

[sherri]

What exactly does that mean? You feel feminine all of the time so the dressing is just an extension of that? I guess if he's wearing panties and hose all of the time and nighties to bed and my robe when the kids aren't around it's not far from dressing all the way. What I was trying to say, although I probably made a hash of it, has more to do with what's going on on the inside than the outside. I was making a distinction between those who have a clear dichotomy in their lives between male and female roles and personae, usually reflected in how they are dressed at any given time, and those who have experienced some sort of awakening or evolution to the point that they feel changed as a person -- a change that is of a decidedly feminine nature. In the latter case, while dressing may have led into the awakening, it eventually becomes almost incidental.

Should that be the case with your BF -- and I'm certainly not presuming to know if it is -- it can take quite awhile to assimilate and even longer to communicate. For some, it might feel like an abdication of a traditional gender role and thus a cause for a certain amount of confusion or anxiety within a relationship. It could be a struggle finding a way to articulate all that.

[CherylFlint]

Relax, no big deal. Just a little X's and Y's being in the right (or wrong?) place. There is no need to explain anything. As for me, keeping a fact close to the vest doesn't make one "ashamed".

[FireflyGG]

Stargirl ~ the reason you're feeling confused is that the answers are coming from us, and not your SO. Truth is, we don't know his history or why he does what he does. All we can offer you is different opinions on why he chooses to CD. I hope that he recognizies that you're a safe place.

Tell him about the board. Maybe he'll join? Who knows. but a committed couple makes a world of a difference

[Georgia Rose]

This is a very perplexing question. Some of us feel the same dressed or not, some are more feminine when dressed! I think it just points out that, like the population generally, we are all different. For me I'm much the same dressed or not dressed. I like dressing because it makes me a different person (to me), it adds another dimension to my life. However I act much the same dressed or not dressed.

StargirlGG your guy is a very lucky man to have you. There are a lot of women who would not bother and just walk away. However like a lot of things in life don't go trying to find a reason for everything. Sometimes it is just better to accept things as they are and get on with life.

If you can get him on this forum he may find he is just one of many and become more prepared to share his inner feelings on this subject.

I know I find it very difficult to articulate why I dress. I just like doing it.

[diane51]

"IMHO your SO is embarrassed about talking about it. It's my best guess that he doesn't want to talk about it because you'll ask him why he likes to crossdress, and he won't want to elaborate probably because (maybe?) he has fantasies involved with it that he doesn't want to share or perhaps that if he tells you how he really feels you'll maybe think differently about him and this might lead to you two to break up. There are many possibilities but I don't think you're doing anything wrong here. I guess I can only suggest that you be patient, loving, and affirming toward him and try to gently coax him out of his shell. If he really loves you he'll see that all you are trying to do is help him and understand "what makes him tick" ... because you love him too. Good luck. :hugs:"[/QUOTE]

I have to agree with this thought as a possibility too.

[Jenny Gurl]

First, he may not understand it himself. If not, he cannot talk about what he doesn't fully understand. Please don't let his inability to explain it, or your not understanding it yet torture you with a thousand what if's. You sound like a good couple who can weather this storm. God bless you for your willingness to try and understand this and work it out with him. If you can get him to come here and read he will likely come to understand himself better. He will probably learn that he is not alone, and he was most likely born this way. Once he comes to understand this, he will feel less guilty, ashamed, etc. You may be able to read the site here and come to understand him and the reason people cross dress better. This will probably lower your anxiety dealing with it, which would be good for you and him. You have come to a place where many like minded people gather to discuss this issue. I feel confident you are in the right place to find all the answers you seek. It is a little different for each of us. Some feel the need to partially dress, some need to go full out. Some need to do it occasionally while some need to do it often. He will need to reach inside himself and be honest with himself to truly understand this. Again, it is great that he has you to lean on in this confusing time.

[KarenEdwards]

As is often the case, I agree with Karen Hutton's post. Like Karen, I do not really feel any different if I am dressed. I don't think I have either a feminine or masculine side and I honestly don't know what it means to be a woman. Regardless of clothing, I am pretty much the same, personality-wise, either way and I don't believe that wearing a dress makes me think or act like a woman.

I do not know why I am a crossdresser. I have been one since age 4 and have spent many, many hours (years?) trying to make sense of it, but I cannot. I am neither proud nor ashamed of who and what I am.

You asked a very good question, however, when you wondered why, if we don't feel any different and, considering the time, trouble and expense involved, we would ever do it. For me, it is fun. It is exciting. There is even a measure of pride in being able to get away with it when I go out in public, which I often do. Like your boyfriend, though, I would be hard pressed to explain the "why" of it in a way that would sound reasonable to a non-crossdresser.

[Sheila]

It's absolutely occured to me that he has nothing to say about it. How can you have nothing to say about it? I don't think I'm trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill but it just seems to me that there must be all kinds of things to say. Ecspecially if you have someone who loves you and is willing to try to understand something so hard to understand.

Stargirl ........ click HERE (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=94072) ............. it may help you understated a little .......... I was confused as well when my ex wouldn't/couldn't/didn't want to talk to me, when I found out about his CDING .......... sometimes our need to know is hard for them to grasp ........... he often accused me of asking the same question in several different ways, as if I was trying to catch him out, I wasn't, I just desperately wanted to understand ............. there are some good answers in that thread, they helped me at a time I was hurting angry and confused :sad:

[Tara_G]

stargirl..welcome, I'm a newbie here. Here's are some of my opinions.

I assume you two do some kind of "girl talk" when he's dressed; or do you watch hockey and get him a beer? :eek:
So I assume you don't mean any kind of "talk" but more of a psychological discussion about his desires. Sometimes we don't know the answers and don't even care about the why. That kind of talk is a buzz killer. Save it for when he's not dressed and feels like talking about it. Just let him know that you will listen if he ever needs a friend.

p.s. I would advise keeping things from the kids and would not consider moving in together for a while. Depending on where he is mentally this may be more stress than benefit.

Good luck!

[Karen7cd]

Sit down, share a very girlly moment, let her feel safe. Shave each other legs,
help with makeup drink tequila the whole time. Be her girl friend. help shave.
Buy some soft flannel pj's (Her's and her's).

[wetlook crossdresser]

Please don't make any assumptions about why he is dressing the way he does. He has made decisions about what preference he has for clothing based on fabric type, colour, and style. Just like you do except that the appearance is unconventional. Sometimes people do not want to explain some of their personal traits in detail to a friend because of a fear that if they split up the other person will use this information to humiliate the other. Often we crossdressers prefer to keep our cards close to our chests (breastforms?)
Cheers!
Chris:battingeyelashes:

[jazmine]

Hmmmm strange....... I'd love to have dated you. I think your doing everything you can do, and approaching it well. Give it some time?.....Who knows. After awhile, if it's still a shut gate, lay it on the line & tell him you need him to open up to you ...not so much for his sanity, but yours.

I'm not the smoothest cat when it comes to this sort of advice, so don't listen to me. There are many here that are smarter than god so to speak, and can give you far better advice when it comes to this. I'm the kinda girl ,that after awhile, would be like....."FUK!.......WTF!"

[Fab Karen]

"but his inability to talk about it is really starting to get to me. I think he's so ashamed on some level or in some sort of denial that he just doesn't want to deal with his feelings, maybe..."
Could be. Being able to open up to your partner is a key ingredient in a long-lasting relationship. Maybe it'll help to tell him you love this side of him, it makes him a more interesting, exciting person to be with. Start with that before asking questions.

[joyce483]

my wife left last april when she found out, if you are looking for a normal relationship , you better leave now instead of later.

[Veronica Lacey]

Two years together learning to accept one another is seemingly sufficient enough time to feel some entitlement to what makes your guy tic. While "entitlement" may not be a good word for a relationship you should never feel bad or guilty for wanting to learn more. Kind of natural to keep learning about your partner and it's fun.

Perhaps indeed he does not know why he is how he is. Or he might actually have even more to share with you some time down the line. Yet as one other mentioned here you, too, deserve to have your emotional needs met and that can include some curiosity about his dressing. If you feel that this silence on the topic is frustrating then you should be able to voice your feelings and have the opportunity for some open discussion from time to time. Is the relationship not worth a little effort in this department?

Hope that you both find some comfortable common ground on this one. We all deserve that :)

[FireflyGG]

my wife left last april when she found out, if you are looking for a normal relationship , you better leave now instead of later.

I don't think that's really fair to say though. There's nothing abnormal about my relationship with my CD partner?

It's awful that your wife left you, no doubt about it. But there are GG's out there who fully support their man in femme mode or not. I get that we're not the majority, but we're out there.

If she wants to be with him and support him than I think it's our job to help give her ideas and the support she needs to be able to do that for him.

:2c:

[emmicd]

Dear Star,

I am happy to see you are very open minded and supportive. You seem like a very kind and caring person and you have only good intentions. I know crossdressing is not an easy thing to relate to or talk about for most people. For crossdressers in particular it may be difficult to talk about because many of us have supressed our feelings for so long about it and we had felt guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, deceit and so much more. When you have someone you care about and children in the mix it makes it hard to be open about it because you become very protective and secretive and to go full circle from hiding it to all of a sudden talking about it makes it very difficult. In your case though it seems you are very open and you support him and love him for who he is. Maybe over time he will open up if he can feel trust. You certainly seem very trustworthy and a very caring companion. It seems you just need reassurance that he is just a crossdresser and that he is not thinking of going further with his gender expression. There are some on the CD/TG/TS spectrum that are more leaning towards wanting to become women full time and that is a whole other ball game. In that case the individual is a transsexual and they feel they are a woman trapped in a man's body and the only way they will be happy is if they do the HRT (hormones) and SRS (sex change).

I don't believe that is the case here but you may suggest that you would be open to talking with him and not be judgemental in any way. If he has never seen a therapist you may suggest that you would be there for him and support him in talking about his crossdressing. For some of us we have been doing it since childhood like myself.

It is also a good idea if you introduce him to this site if he is not aware of it already.

I wish you both the best of luck.

It is nice to know that there are understanding females out there.

Happy Holidays!

emmi

[Jenny Gurl]

Several GG have long lasting relationships. She has come here for information so she can better understand her SO. I know we are all entitled to our opinions, but I think we should help her understand her SO, not suggest she bail on him. From her post it sounds like she loves him, just needs to understand him better and resolve some of her fears she may have.


I don't think that's really fair to say though. There's nothing abnormal about my relationship with my CD partner?

It's awful that your wife left you, no doubt about it. But there are GG's out there who fully support their man in femme mode or not. I get that we're not the majority, but we're out there.

If she wants to be with him and support him than I think it's our job to help give her ideas and the support she needs to be able to do that for him.

:2c:

[adrienner99]

Stargirl--First, I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you. You are wonderful to be understanding of his dressing and to help him.

You did not say how he told you in the first place, or what your immediate reaction was. How open was he at that terrifying moment?

Men, even those of us who want to dress and act like women sometimes, are almost never as open as women about personal things. Of course you have a right to ask questions, and you should. But number one, he probably does not fully understand why he crossdresses himself. It is also rather difficult to tell a woman how much you like to wear lip gloss and high heels..

He may also be afraid of the kids finding out, and is walking sort of a fine line between hiding it from them and opening up to you.

For most people, the issue of gender is very black and white. But for those of us without that clarity..communicating our feelings is difficult beyond belief.

He may have gone his whole life without telling anyone about this. With the cat out of the bag, he now lives every day with thought "Someone knows."

[switcheralso]

This is a book you both might want to read.

My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser (Paperback)

ISBN 1-56025-515-3

[Angie G]

Let him know you love and support him. And will be there if he ever needs to talk about it.If in time he wants or needs to talk I think he will open up.:hugs:
Angie

[Jilmac]

Your BF seems to be stuck between a rock and a hard place because of the stigma associated with CDing, i.e. latent homosexuality. My thinking is that if he opens up and talks about how much he enjoys it, it might change your perception of him. That's a fear I had for so many years. Both of my wives knew about my dressing, both disapproved, and I never talked openly to anybody about my enjoyment of dressing, until I met my present SO. She accepts the whole me, the person I am, and so now I'm able to talk openly about my love of dressing. It may take some time, but be patient and keep being supportive and he may eventually come out of his shell.

[stargirlGG]

Thank you all so much...you've certainly given me ALOT of great insights and a lots to think about....


For some, it might feel like an abdication of a traditional gender role and thus a cause for a certain amount of confusion or anxiety within a relationship. It could be a struggle finding a way to articulate all that.

Thanks Sherri...hadn't thought about it in quite that way. He's a real sports dad, his friends are very "male" and his ex never worked a day in her life and he was always bread winner and caretaker. Lots of male role pressure. But I don't see it as an escape but more like his true nature so I guess that could be hard to reconcile within yourself.


It is a little different for each of us. Some feel the need to partially dress, some need to go full out. Some need to do it occasionally while some need to do it often. He will need to reach inside himself and be honest with himself to truly understand this. Again, it is great that he has you to lean on in this confusing time.

The "need" vs. desire vs. fetish vs. gender identity is what I think I want to understand. Maybe it's not important and maybe that changes over time, but I need to understand the "need" aspect, I think...maybe...




I assume you two do some kind of "girl talk" when he's dressed; or do you watch hockey and get him a beer?



No girl talk whatsoever....ya...we watch football and I get the beer. Either there really is no change or he isn't comfortable enough yet to go there with me. It's very strange.


I don't think that's really fair to say though. There's nothing abnormal about my relationship with my CD partner?

It's awful that your wife left you, no doubt about it. But there are GG's out there who fully support their man in femme mode or not. I get that we're not the majority, but we're out there.

If she wants to be with him and support him than I think it's our job to help give her ideas and the support she needs to be able to do that for him.

:2c:

Thanks for that Firefly. Ya...we're out there and i don't think that I'm all that different for accepting the person I love. What's normal anyway? And what kind of person would "bail" over something that isn't hurting anyone. I think in alot of cases with GG's not understanding or coping probably has way more to do with lies and deception than anything.




You did not say how he told you in the first place, or what your immediate reaction was. How open was he at that terrifying moment?




Kind of a long story, but he never came out to me, I figured it out and pulled it out of him. The first time he dressed was after alot of little things happening and I told him I wanted to see the full deal. One night he texted me and said to come over to dinner and he'd dress any way I wanted him to. So...I get to his house and he asks me to go to his room and pick some things out for him to wear. I did and he came out of the room fully dressed...looking all vunerable and scared. It was a shock but I was totally cool with it. We had a normal evening...didn't really talk about it. I told him he looked very pretty and was as cool about it as anyone could possibly be. Since then it's been a regular thing and we've been shopping and he shows me stuff on the internet he's ordering...we totally share it but I feel this weird gap because the elephant is always in the room but he won't talk about it. And that's weird. He did tell me after that first time that he was afraid that I was going to leave him after that.


Your BF seems to be stuck between a rock and a hard place because of the stigma associated with CDing, i.e. latent homosexuality. My thinking is that if he opens up and talks about how much he enjoys it, it might change your perception of him.

That's probably it...but it's pretty obvious he enjoys it or he wouldn't do it. One line I have to walk is my enjoying it too much. I think he may be a little jealous of himself and that's just crazy so I am always balancing expressing my feelings so that both sides of him are happy. How crazy is that.

Thanks again everyone. I am very happy to have found this forum and am grateful for the opinions.

Thanks Sheila for the link and thanks switcheralso for the book recommend. I just ordered it.

Much love to you all!

[FireflyGG]

One line I have to walk is my enjoying it too much. I think he may be a little jealous of himself and that's just crazy so I am always balancing expressing my feelings so that both sides of him are happy. How crazy is that.


This part made me laugh because I think my partner was a bit gobsmacked at how enthusiastic I was about Melissa.

But for us, I ended up being sexually attracted to her and it caught us both off guard. I see it as a bonus. I know he had a series of moments of "Really?" and "Are you serious?" and I had a bunch of "Hell yeah!" responses. ;)

How long has it been from when you had the first discussion about him CDing until now? It may just be a time thing. I'm guessing as a guy he doesn't normally open up about a bunch of things? So really, since the two sides of him are the same person at his core, it wouldn't be surprising that he's not talking a lot about it.

[stargirlGG]

But for us, I ended up being sexually attracted to her and it caught us both off guard. I see it as a bonus. I know he had a series of moments of "Really?" and "Are you serious?" and I had a bunch of "Hell yeah!" responses. ;)

How long has it been from when you had the first discussion about him CDing until now?


Ha...me too. I'm way more attracted to him in "drag"...hence the weird potential jealousy part. He's worried that I'll leave him for the real thing. Andl, ..since I'm so in to it he justifies it as being my thing now, like I caused it or something. Maybe that's how he compartmentalizes it in his mind.

He's been wearing my panties from practically day 1...all of his panties were once mine. And that led to hose and lingerie and wearing my robe around the house...etc...the full thing has been around for about 6 or months, maybe. The not talking thing drives me nuts...you're probably right...it's a guy thing. Who knows...

[FireflyGG]

Ha...me too. I'm way more attracted to him in "drag"...hence the weird potential jealousy part. He's worried that I'll leave him for the real thing. Andl, ..since I'm so in to it he justifies it as being my thing now, like I caused it or something. Maybe that's how he compartmentalizes it in his mind.

He's been wearing my panties from practically day 1...all of his panties were once mine. And that led to hose and lingerie and wearing my robe around the house...etc...the full thing has been around for about 6 or months, maybe. The not talking thing drives me nuts...you're probably right...it's a guy thing. Who knows...

Ahh...now we're getting somewhere and the plot thickens. ;)

Maybe it would help for him to realize that you're attracted to her because it it's still his personality. Putting his CDing aside, you fell for him as a person. Just because a hundred guys pass by your house every day doesn't mean you're attracted to them. It's him because of who he is. His femme side is a bonus. If he's not fully transistioned than I guess he might be fearful that you'd want to try out the whole package, so to speak. Been there done that myself but what I like about my partner is that I've got the best of both. Might help to remind him of that.

When he's femme, do you become more dominant? Is that the draw for you? That's one of the things appeals for me. I have no issue being dominant so when Melissa is out, then I'd like to be the one in control.

There's so many variables to be played with. It's fun. ;)

[stargirlGG]

Ahh...now we're getting somewhere and the plot thickens. ;)

Maybe it would help for him to realize that you're attracted to her because it it's still his personality. Putting his CDing aside, you fell for him as a person.

When he's femme, do you become more dominant? Is that the draw for you? That's one of the things appeals for me. I have no issue being dominant so when Melissa is out, then I'd like to be the one in control.

There's so many variables to be played with. It's fun. ;)

Oh my....I do remind him that I was attracted to him as him to begin with. And it might not help that I'm all over him when he's en femme and not quite as much when he's not. Maybe I'm the problem! But geez...he's got more issues with me and what this might mean regarding my sexuality than I do with him...does that make sense? and I really have no problems with it other than the fact that I'm dying to get him to talk about it. And ya..been there, done that, know what I want. And this is what I want. I just didn't know that this was what I wanted exactly before.

When he's en femme I am more dominant because he does become all submissive, so it just naturally works out that way. But he makes up for that by being extra dominate when he's in boy mode. And then being all male and proud about it afterwards...like he has to point it out to me. And that's a new thing.

It is fun and there are alot of places to go with it and perhaps I'm creating a problem where there isn't one. But I hate this feeling that there's this thing going on that just goes on and doesn't get mentioned...don't know if that makes sense.

[FireflyGG]

Oh my....I do remind him that I was attracted to him as him to begin with. And it might not help that I'm all over him when he's en femme and not quite as much when he's not. Maybe I'm the problem! But geez...he's got more issues with me and what this might mean regarding my sexuality than I do with him...does that make sense? and I really have no problems with it other than the fact that I'm dying to get him to talk about it. And ya..been there, done that, know what I want. And this is what I want. I just didn't know that this was what I wanted exactly before.

When he's en femme I am more dominant because he does become all submissive, so it just naturally works out that way. But he makes up for that by being extra dominate when he's in boy mode. And then being all male and proud about it afterwards...like he has to point it out to me. And that's a new thing.

It is fun and there are alot of places to go with it and perhaps I'm creating a problem where there isn't one. But I hate this feeling that there's this thing going on that just goes on and doesn't get mentioned...don't know if that makes sense.

I think some CDers need to weigh in on what it's like to balance the two sides and what may be going on in his brainbox.

I know a lot of them would love to be in our guys heels and have GG's who are so embracing and supportive.

Normally, I would be like "ooooh, you guys need to sit down and talk" but it's hard when you're totally willing and he's not. So maybe it is a time thing and you need to try and push it out of your head for right now. If it were me, I would tell him "Look there's this weird vibe going on and I want to talk about it but I'm sensing you don't so I'll back off and when you're ready you can come to me."

That let's him know it's an issue for you that you do want to address but you're not trying to be pushy about it.

And if you've been there done that with other women, I'm not sure why he thinks you'll leave since you've tried that already and this is what you want. It almost sounds like you're more comfortable with his CD side than he is and that may be making him feel uncomfortable. Not sure what you can do about that though. Hmm......

[Kate17]

Star

You said you wanted to understand the why's of cd. The best place for that is to read up on the subject and then listen to all the girls here talk among them selves. I am not sure any of us really understand the why of this and i am certain you will get a hundred different "reasons".

We can all speculate why he will not talk about it. Perhaps he has something he wants to hide from you - in which case, let it be. That's my 2 cents. I have been trying to get my wife to talk about it since I told her butm I just cant get her to discuss it beyond a few sentences. You have the opposite problem. One thought for you which was already suggested earlier is to just talk girl talk - panties, make up, what styles look good for each of you. Don't make it about him, make it about both of you. If you think about it, that is one reason we all congregate here on the forum.

[stargirlGG]

I would tell him "Look there's this weird vibe going on and I want to talk about it but I'm sensing you don't so I'll back off and when you're ready you can come to me."



Thanks Firefly, I'm gonna use that. Weird vibe sums it up. Maybe I just need to give it more time.






And if you've been there done that with other women, I'm not sure why he thinks you'll leave since you've tried that already and this is what you want. It almost sounds like you're more comfortable with his CD side than he is and that may be making him feel uncomfortable. Not sure what you can do about that though. Hmm......

Maybe I'm over analytical, but could it be that I'm a little too accepting, so that fear is gone, but after years of fear he needs to have something to worry about so he's now worrying that the CDing might convince me that I need to be with a woman? Can you be too accepting? Maybe being too accepting takes away the naughtiness and fear factor and maybe that's part of it.


We can all speculate why he will not talk about it. Perhaps he has something he wantsOne thought for you which was already suggested earlier is to just talk girl talk - panties, make up, what styles look good for each of you. Don't make it about him, make it about both of you. If you think about it, that is one reason we all congregate here on the forum.

Thank you for that Kate17....he is always saying that we should "play dress-up" together. I play dress-up every day and when it comes to us "playing dress-up" together, I think I did that once in the beginning. Maybe I need to make it more about us in that respect. Could be a way to bond with him on that level and bring him out of his shell.



you're totally willing and she's not
(minor alt)
couldn't help but see this. I'm going through this with my wife. Everything you're saying, applies to a lot of us, as men dealing with their wives or other SO's

What I have found in my 4 (yes count em-4) marriages and numerous girlfriends. COMMUNICATION!!!! seems to be the most difficult thing between two people. Weather it's embarrassment, guilt, or just lack of words, it ain't easy to talk about! period, end of sentence.
:battingeyelashes: hugs, Evie

Wow...you must be quite the optimist, 4 marriages. So...you find it hard to communicate even with a partner who is completely open? I understand that it's hard, but I don't understand how you can sit there in full drag and act like nothing is different and have zero to say about it and have no explanation and claim that you feel no different. Especially when you're with someone who's cool with it but needs to understand how you're feeling just a little bit. Thanks......

[FireflyGG]

Don't mean to step on this thread, but I couldn't help relating…



you're totally willing and she's not
(minor alt)
couldn't help but see this. I'm going through this with my wife. Everything you're saying, applies to a lot of us, as men dealing with their wives or other SO's

What I have found in my 4 (yes count em-4) marriages and numerous girlfriends. COMMUNICATION!!!! seems to be the most difficult thing between two people. Weather it's embarrassment, guilt, or just lack of words, it ain't easy to talk about! period, end of sentence.
:battingeyelashes: hugs, Evie

I would say partner dependent. Melissa and I talk about everything. No topic is taboo. Good, bag, ugly, we've aired it all and it hasn't been easy. But, I'm fully aware that we're not the norm. I certainly didn't have it in my marriage and she hasn't had that in her past relationships either.

So I'm just darn thankful that we do keep everything on the table because it makes it a helluva lot easier.

[Kathi Lake]

. . . I want to talk about it but I'm sensing you don't so I'll back off and when you're ready you can come to me."Ding ding ding ding!!!

This, as a member of the male sub-species who often shies away from his feelings, who sometimes doesn't know how to put his scattered feelings into words, who often just doesn't know how to talk, is a response that would get a "whoosh!" of relief, if only mentally.

What it would do is communicate that you care deeply for me, that you want to help me, that you will wait for me to put these scattered thoughts together - but not wait forever. I believe it would move me to do what is so bloody painful for us guys - stop burying our heads in the sand when it comes to personal problems, stop forcing them away and starting to actually try to work through them. I know as women that you find this behavior baffling, to say the least. We know it's a shortcoming. We know it is sometimes painful to you to endure. We're sorry.

Kathi

[giuseppina]

Hello Stargirl,

Someone suggested a licensed counselor. I agree with the idea, providing the counselor is non-judgemental and has experience with gender issues. A judgemental counselor will only make things worse.

[Shaquani]

When he's en femme I am more dominant because he does become all submissive, so it just naturally works out that way.

May I suggest you dress him up and then tie him up, and see how you "bond" on that level. Many of us CD's have multiple skeletons in the closet and we tend to be a little shy about this one as well. :o

[Sheila]

May I suggest you dress him up and then tie him up, and see how you "bond" on that level. Many of us CD's have multiple skeletons in the closet and we tend to be a little shy about this one as well. :o


Brilliant, just sheer brilliance, NOT............. she cannot get her partner to open up to her about CDing, so you suggest she adds another maybe scenario to a partner reluctant to talk ..............FGS :doh::doh:

[FireflyGG]

May I suggest you dress him up and then tie him up, and see how you "bond" on that level. Many of us CD's have multiple skeletons in the closet and we tend to be a little shy about this one as well. :o

Yeah, Stargirl. Get on that will ya? We'd like pics and a full progress report too. :laugh:

[stargirlGG]

Ding ding ding ding!!!

This, as a member of the male sub-species who often shies away from his feelings, who sometimes doesn't know how to put his scattered feelings into words, who often just doesn't know how to talk, is a response that would get a "whoosh!" of relief, if only mentally.

What it would do is communicate that you care deeply for me, that you want to help me, that you will wait for me to put these scattered thoughts together - but not wait forever. I believe it would move me to do what is so bloody painful for us guys - stop burying our heads in the sand when it comes to personal problems, stop forcing them away and starting to actually try to work through them. I know as women that you find this behavior baffling, to say the least. We know it's a shortcoming. We know it is sometimes painful to you to endure. We're sorry.

Kathi

Thanks for that Kathi...I forget...it's hard to remember that a male brain exists behind all that hair and make-up.

Brilliant, just sheer brilliance, NOT............. she cannot get her partner to open up to her about CDing, so you suggest she adds another maybe scenario to a partner reluctant to talk ..............FGS :doh::doh:

Thank you Sheila...couldn't quite process that one.



Yeah, Stargirl. Get on that will ya? We'd like pics and a full progress report too. :laugh:

Ya...I'll flog it out of him and stream it live.....

[FireflyGG]

Ya...I'll flog it out of him and stream it live.....

bwahaha...that made me bust out laughing.

[giuseppina]

May I suggest you dress him up and then tie him up, and see how you "bond" on that level. Many of us CD's have multiple skeletons in the closet and we tend to be a little shy about this one as well. :o

That's a good way to destroy any trust Stargirl and her SO have. If somebody did that to me without advance permission, I would be tempted to call the police and press charges (forcible confinement). Yes, that may be extreme, but that is how I feel about that sort of thing.

I still think the best way is the gentle method. Maybe leaving some accurate information around, a book or two, perhaps one of Peggy Rudd's books, and take it from there.

[Kathi Lake]

Thanks for that Kathi...I forget...it's hard to remember that a male brain exists behind all that hair and make-up.Oh my, my my, my, is it ever still there! Last week, there I am in the middle of Ulta, talking to my girlfriends while dressed up and looking pretty (well, according to them, anyway). They're talking about their boob jobs, their Brazilian waxes, and more and I'm trying seriously hard to think of dead puppies and the like as, well, . . . when you're trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey down south, it can get a bit painful when certain things come up, so to speak. :)

So yes, there is a man under all that makeup and hair.

Kathi

[Melinda G]

Personally I feel no difference between being dressed and not.. But that's developed over the last 5 dceades... And it would be hard for me to open up to anyone especially on a subject that most people think borders on perversion... In my humble opinion

Nice to hear from the common sense side of the aisle.:D

I have always considered my relationships with women, and my crossdressing to be two entirely separate issues, and not to be mixed. I have never had any desire to dress in front of any of my girlfriends, or the wife, when I had one. When I was with a woman, I was in full guy mode. When I was alone, it was fem mode. And never the two shall mix.:doh:

[Shaquani]

Look, I'm sorry if my suggestion offended anybody. In turn I'm a little shocked that anybody would even remotely entertain the idea of people participating in any kind of bondage games without prior mutual consent. Consent is such a basic premise in these endeavours that the thought simply never occurred to me that people could assume otherwise. I do appreciate that my succinct wording may have led to the wrong conclusion. My bad, sorry-o.

Nevertheless, I stand by my estimate that something besides the crossdressing itself may be the reason for your SO's silence. It's a well established fact that many CD's have secret desires about getting tied up; this very forum's myriad of threads on the subject testifies to that. And you yourself observed on his submissive tendencies when dressed. So I guess all I really wanted to say is that your SO may also have these desires but feels that, unlike the CD'ing, this is off-limits. (Not entirely unimaginable given the responses to my first posting.) And maybe, just maybe, because for him the subjects are somehow linked he refrains from talking about either.

Again, my apologies for the misunderstanding. And good luck finding answers to your questions.

[Sheila]

Nevertheless, I stand by my estimate that something besides the crossdressing itself may be the reason for your SO's silence. It's a well established fact that many CD's have secret desires about getting tied up; this very forum's myriad of threads on the subject testifies to that. And you yourself observed on his submissive tendencies when dressed. So I guess all I really wanted to say is that your SO may also have these desires but feels that, unlike the CD'ing, this is off-limits. (Not entirely unimaginable given the responses to my first posting.) And maybe, just maybe, because for him the subjects are somehow linked he refrains from talking about either.

that is a heck of a lot of supposition .......... and not all cder's feel that way ......... for many it is a private thing & they don't want to talk about it (my ex was one of those .............. he is an ex for numerous reasons, partly because of his cding and his inability to come to terms with my knowing etc etc, but that is past history and as I said only part of the reason we split ... there were several other mitigating factors, trust me) .............. and thanks to that split I met Deborah Jane on here 5 months later, and we got married 6 weeks ago tomorrow :D:D & she is open and honest which trust me is the only way I can deal with relationships ........... not for me the silence and hidden agendas :Angry3:

[Kathi Lake]

It's a well established fact that many CD's have secret desires about getting tied up; this very forum's myriad of threads on the subject testifies to that.A "well established fact" eh? Wow, I'm so trying to keep a straight face on this one. :)

It's also a well-established fact that 47.993% of statistics are made up on the spot. You can't possibly generalize that the entire population of crossdressers "have secret desires about getting tied up" from a few posts on this board. Moreover, you can't generalize that there is any sexual component "tied to" (pun intended) crossdressing. Yes, there are those that have that as a part of their makeup, but certainly not all or even most. I mean, honestly, project much?

:)

Kathi

[Shaquani]

Am I really that ambiguous in my writing? No Kathi, I am not generalising that the entire population of crossdressers have these desires. The operative word here is "many", not "all", not even "most". Just "many". I mean, honestly, read a little.

[stargirlGG]

Oh my...perhaps we can agree to disagree. I personally didn't come here for sex tips. We're all wired differently and there's no way you can generalize...unless this were the crossdressers with latent masochistic tendacies board, that would be another story. I'm sure there could be alot of stuff going on but that can apply to anyone and I don't see the relationship between bondage fantasies and basic communication.

I have a great relationship. I love my boyfriend, we have tons in common, huge amounts of fun and, overall, it's all great. I sought out this board because this one issue...the inability to talk about the crossdressing, is bugging me. It's not a deal breaker, it's not a sexual issue, it's not really a problem. I care about this relationship and I care about how crazy difficult sharing this unique aspect with the person you love is. I appreciate the practical advice and viewpoints you all have to offer....I guess different people are at different places in their heads, just like anywhere else.

You're all awesome and I appreciate the ideas...even the crazy ones :love:

[Holly]

Dear members... just a reminder that the OP is a new member looking for help in how to better understand, communicate and support her SO in the gender issues they are going through. Several recent posts are not addressing the OP's original concern. Let's get back on topic, okay? Thanks.

[stargirlGG]

Thank you Holly....

[FireflyGG]

I still say stick with the "weird vibe" line and let him know he can come to you when he's ready. i was talking to Melissa (my SO) about this the other night (she's on here too and saw your thread) and she brought up a good point about acceptance. I can't remember if this has been addressed or not. but she suggested it may be that you're further along in accepting his femme side than he is, hence the unbalance, the lack of words, the inability to address it. That would make a lot of sense.

I find few things more uncomfortable than a relationship with lack of balance and that's probably why you're feeling so uncomfortable. It sounds like it's going to come down to a time thing. Time for him to adjust, process, figure out what he feels needs figuring out. You may not get the answers you need but hopefully you'll get enough to help you process things on your end as well.

(and I think you know I was kidding about getting on that BDSM kick right? That was total sarcasm on my end. ;) )

[stargirlGG]

I still say stick with the "weird vibe" line and let him know he can come to you when he's ready. i was talking to Melissa (my SO) about this the other night (she's on here too and saw your thread) and she brought up a good point about acceptance. I can't remember if this has been addressed or not. but she suggested it may be that you're further along in accepting his femme side than he is, hence the unbalance, the lack of words, the inability to address it. That would make a lot of sense.

Yup...I think that's exactly what it is and it's driving me nuts. I have zero patience. Probably doesn't help that I try to get him to dress as much as possible cuz then I think he'll have to talk about it but that just makes me feel even more crazed when he doesn't. And probably he feels pressured with the dressing or something. Thanks, you're a sweetheart.

[/QUOTE](and I think you know I was kidding about getting on that BDSM kick right? That was total sarcasm on my end. ;) )[/QUOTE] What???? You mean I've contructed up that iron bondage cage for nothing? Geez.....

[FireflyGG]

What???? You mean I've contructed up that iron bondage cage for nothing? Geez.....

All is not lost. You just need her permission first before you put her in. In the meantime, throw a blanket over it. That's where the big pink elephant in the room can sleep.

[Kristen Kelly]

I still say stick with the "weird vibe" line and let him know he can come to you when he's ready. i was talking to Melissa (my SO) about this the other night (she's on here too and saw your thread) and she brought up a good point about acceptance. I can't remember if this has been addressed or not. but she suggested it may be that you're further along in accepting his femme side than he is, hence the unbalance, the lack of words, the inability to address it. That would make a lot of sense.

I find few things more uncomfortable than a relationship with lack of balance and that's probably why you're feeling so uncomfortable. It sounds like it's going to come down to a time thing. Time for him to adjust, process, figure out what he feels needs figuring out. You may not get the answers you need but hopefully you'll get enough to help you process things on your end as well.

(and I think you know I was kidding about getting on that BDSM kick right? That was total sarcasm on my end. ;) )

I've read this post from start to finish and it took 75 posts to hit on an answer that made sense to me. There are many ways to communicate, verbal is sometimes tough for men, put your questions in a letter, a list, he need not answer all, but he will know where YOUR head is at. When I first told my GF I asked her to write down her thoughts when they came to her and I would answer them as best as I could, and even then I didn't have all the answers for her, because I didn't have all my answers yet myself and I some I might never have. Once I accepted myself I could talk to anyone about it, and do, maybe he's not there yet. My GF has said our openess and communication on this matter even though she doesn't totally agree and embrace it has made our relationship so much stronger. It didn't happen over night.....

The longest journey still begins with 1 step.

[Crysten]

Funny I deal with the same issue, and I've been dressing.....since the beginning of time, it seems. Now the question is, why? My answer is...no idea. Expressing my fem self is SUCH a core part of me, maybe it's fear of rejection? I don't think it's shame any more (although it could have been once). If my wife ever wants to discuss this (and I think she's about given up) I generally drop to one-syllable grunts, cross my fingers, and hope she wanders off.