What have your learned from gender counseling?

[helenr]

Thought it might be helpful if I approached my last post this way, since it might elicit what I hope will benefit me and others who lack competent, compatible therapists.
Please share with others any 'general' type of information that you are comfortable with discussing-so as to educate us. Thanks! Helenr

[Shikyo]

There isn't all that much what I've learned from my sessions. The first thing I learned was the most funniest thing in my opinion. It was about me having my name change as it turned out that the officials actually broke the law when they let me change my name into a female one without asking for any kind of statement from the doctor to allow this. Other things I've learned have had something to do with "benefits" that I could use. Information wise I haven't gotten all that much considering I was rather far already in the process when I first started going there making my shrink little confused as he doesn't really know what to do with me. According to the Finnish law I have to visit them for 6 months before I can get the paper for my transsexuality.

So in the end, it hasn't been that beneficial to me. I started my HRT way before my counseling, I started being full time before the counseling as well. So there isn't really much they can offer to me besides keep asking each time I go there if I still prefer the life like this etc. This is about all we discuss in the sessions and it's slowly starting to get to me as it's rather boring to talk about the same things over and over again. At least I should only have few more months to go before I can stop going there.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Helen,

This is kind of a personal question. Information discussed in a therapy session is private and can be intensely personal. What do you discuss? If you are not ready and willing to discuss EVERYTHING, you will not benefit much from therapy. Holding back from a therapist is like holding back from your doctor. It's like asking them to help you after you tie their hands.

That said, I will tell you that what I learned from therapy was that I was a woman, and I needed to begin to live as one.

Enough?

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Ze]

Most influential thing to me so far from gender therapy is being told that I'm neither a freak nor mentally unstable.

Of course, this has yet to sink in for me. She's had to tell me numerous times, but I still don't quite believe her. Hence why I need to continue with the therapy, though I had to stop for a brief while since I'm out of money. Yay for useless insurance.

If I could break past the foundational issues, I'd like to move onto HRT education. You know, deciding whether or not T is a good idea for me.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

That I am normal, not a freak etc... Learning to be comfortable with myself etc.. I'm official, for real now I am Kiimberly Marie Kelly .. :battingeyelashes:

[luvSophia]

That said, I will tell you that what I learned from therapy was that I was a woman, and I needed to begin to live as one.

That sums it up pretty well. Except my therapist was a little more emphatic about it. Something about getting off my gluteus maximus? Oh, and I learned I was depressed.

Actually, I do not think that you learn anything from therapy. You learn from yourself. Therapy is just a tool you use to figure who/what you are. So unless you have a set of life experiences that are identical to mine, what I learned about myself while I have been in therapy is going to be irrelevant to you. Which makes it pretty hard to give the kind of answer you're looking for.

My therapist did give me some pointers. She said she didn't think I needed to worry about FFS. And that I needed new glasses (even though mine are a fashion brand that I don't think even has a line for men). And she gave me a point of contact in the trans community who has turned out to be wonderful person and a great resource in my transition.

[helenr]

thanks for the comments. Surely I wasn't asking for confidential revelations. What I read-from the limited number of replies-confirms my skeptism about most counseling. I think only a transgendered person (herself) could really understand the mental concerns of a (male to female) patient seeking help with gender dysphoria, if you want to term it so. Most therapists are just providing generic support and reassurances and you can get that from Crossdressers.com --that is as sincere , knowledgeable, and heart felt as possible-- for free. my opinion. perhaps I might find a good counselor and feel differently.

[Karen__Starr]

The only thing I learned was that I am not crazy. My therapist is trans-gender, FTM and my doctor is MTF. Still working on my second therapist which has been difficult as the two I have gone to are old school and are very strict so I may have to find one out of state which is frustrating. So I gues I have learned frustration too.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My time with my 3rd! therapist was worth its weight in gold..my first 2, not so much...so i can see both sides..

can there be an argument about whether having a knowledgeable gender therapist is helpful to the transgender person? the trick is getting that knowledgeable person and i'm lucky to be on the east coast where there are plenty of good people doing work with tg folks.

also, altho there is tons of info out here on the internet, there are hard truths about our lives, and supporting each other is vital to getting through it, but having real knowledge garnered from actually meeting people face to face and spending your valued time can be very helpful. There are soooo many things to learn, so many things that go wrong, so many "moments" in the transition and after...I know that I am not strong and smart enough to do it myself.

When i met my therapist, i was a couple bad days away from you know what....she not only pulled me up, but she identitifed the things that were bringing me down, and helped me focus on them.. then it was up to ME to go fix it, and that wasnt easy...but she helped me with that too.

She introduced me to a couple of other women that had gone through transition. They have been invaluable, life saving friends to me.

She put my meeting under generalized anxiety disorder (which was true!) so our insurance covered 25 meetings a year, and I made sure I did every 25.

Focusing on the bad parts, like the limited number of truly knowledgeable folks doing therapy for us, and especially the ridiculous gatekeeper rules, can make you miss out on the very real benefits of successful therapy.

[Stephenie S]

Most therapists are just providing generic support and reassurances and you can get that from Crossdressers.com --that is as sincere , knowledgeable, and heart felt as possible-- for free. my opinion. perhaps I might find a good counselor and feel differently.

Sorry sweetie, but you are wrong on this one. Therapy is a very valuable tool that, for many thousands of disturbed and unhappy people, provides FAR more than just "generic support and reassurances".

While there is a wealth of good advice available on a forum such as this, there is also a good dose of fantasy, uninformed opinion, and just plane lies. This is NOT a god source if you need therapy.

You know MY opinion, hon, we have discussed it before. And I sense a wee bit of uncomfortable squirming in your post. There are good therapists everywhere. It may take some effort to ferret them out, but they are there. Remember, you shop for a therapist just like you shop for anything. It's YOUR money. YOU pay the therapist (or your insurance company). If you don't like your therapist, or if you don't think you are making any progress, it's your responsibility to to find another one. These decisions can be made fairly quickly, within the first few sessions, and sometimes right away.

Is therapy for everyone? Absolutely not. Is it helpful for those who need it? You betcha! More than you can imagine, I suppose.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[MarciManseau]

I went to one for three years, and finally had to give up as he was always asking me for "favors". I'm sure you know what I mean.

[Stephenie S]

I went to one for three years, and finally had to give up as he was always asking me for "favors". I'm sure you know what I mean.

That's not therapy. It sounds more like prostitution.

[Eriee]

Nothing. It was a waste of time.

[Sharon]

It did wonders for me. I already knew I was trans -- and, in fact, had just begun my transition -- but my therapist helped me to really accept it and get it to fit into my life. She mostly, however, helped me with a few semi-related issues that I struggled with all my life. I owe my therapist more that I could ever hope to repay her.

The whole thing is that you need to find the right therapist for you. There can be some trial and error visits before you do.

[Angel.Marie76]

Hi Helen,
I'm sure that many of us have various reasons for wanting to look into or begin therapy. My reasoning had several key points, based on the variables in my life.

First off, I /knew/ there was something unique about me. Was what I craved just a fetish or was it something more? Was there reasons I had fantasies of dressing up as a girl for more than half my life? Why is it I'm attracted to *coughphallic* things? and so on and on.. Add to that I'm now a parent, went through a messy divorce and custody battle, and then bumped into my current SO and found her to support my feminine presentation. I suppose the catalyst for all this was another human being that was attracted to me, and that I was comfortable talking to about my closeted trans-ness without being negative. Fast forward only a few months and POOF! I started coming to grips with the fact that I am more comfortable presenting and 'being' a woman than I was a man any day. [DING]

Life in review, complexities, ex-wife, child, work, family, uh, I'm Trans! YAY! Oh SH!T.

So, in an effort to stave off the perhaps forthcoming onslaught of crap from everyone, I decided to find myself a therapist that might be able to help iron things out (1) and (2) give me a firmer grasp on my sense of self. Lastly, in more of a legal stance of maneuvering, a certified therapist who is comfortable with GID issues would also be able to assert for the masses that I was indeed a 'sane' human being, albeit one who knows that they were born with the wrong externally visible gender assigned. No need to strive to live as a woman if the few things in your life that make you happy otherwise are stripped from you in a fury of psychotic accusations.

Soooo, more time passes, a year now actually. I've been seeing my therapist, who happens to be 20-years post-op M2F herself, a GID and trauma specialist. I don't have to explain myself to her, she understands. She has 2 fully grown children herself, one of which occurred pre, and one that occurred during / after visible change. When my son has issues, she's been there, when I'm scared that people won't accept me, I know - I have PROOF that there are wonderful people in the world that have worked through their transitions and have survived and thrived. My parents dealing or not? Par for the course. Working through the reasonable difficulties with someone who's been there, done that before? Priceless.

She's never judged me, always, ALWAYS told me that my life is my own, and that it is up to me how far I want to go, how fast I want to do it, and has helped me navigate the emotional roads along the way. I don't have all the answers, and I have a beautiful living being that is dependent on my guidance to blossom into a fantastic and respectful young man. I owe it to him to at least be sure than I don't get ahead of myself for his sake minimally. My therapist is helping my transition work into his life so that I don't completely wreck the image of the man he's grown to love up until now so that, as the woman that emerges from within comes into the light, he'll love me just the same.

Lastly, with friends and family grouped into the same category, comes the WORK life. Just last night I was talking to my therapist about what I should do next. She's been living this for so long, and has seen so many people transition in place, she has buckets of good and bad scenarios and how to apply them. I've bumped into my HR manager twice now out in the world while I've been dressed - and I'm likely to see more and more people every day. We decided that it's time to open the door of the closet for HR because, simply, my chosen method of transition is to blur until you can't tell the difference. So, this past year has had me physically altering my exterior appearance now so that, so I've been told by some friends, that they don't know it's 'me' (the old me) until I'm nearly standing before them now. I can only assume that coworkers might be wondering. Well, long story for the sake of saying that my therapist is helping me approach this situation as safely as possible while continuing to keep my job and my sanity. I'm sure some of you COMPLETELY understand me when I say that I'm fighting against the tide here, and it's pulling so very hard that if I don't focus my efforts I may very well drown in the current. It's her job to see that drowning before it occurs and help me stay afloat.

So, in closing, can I say that, for example, did my therapist 'change' my way of thinking so that I wanted to be a woman more, or less? No, she made it easier for me to understand the struggle so I can travel the road as smoothly as possible. Has she helped me come to grips with all these embedded feelings so that I don't feel like the beautiful voice inside my head wasn't some crazy lady? Absolutely (and will attest to it in a written deposition if necessary). Will she provide a letter for me to start seeing an Endocrinologist when I'm ready? She's already offered - I'm not ready yet. Has she, interestingly enough, helped me through other problems that I suppose I didn't even think I had? Heh, yeah, therapy's funny that way. Have I been thankful I found her? Completely.

As always, individual results may vary greatly. :)

[StaceyJane]

My first therapist wasn't very good. Her goal was for me to come out and I really wasn't ready for that. No matter what else I wanted to talk about it always came bak to coming out.
My current therapist has been wonderful and has really helped me feel better about myself and really start moving forward with my life as Stacey.

[Dawn D.]

The benefits of seeing a therapist for me:

1.) That my wife and I really needed to see one at the beginning of all this. It's is singlehandedly the main reason we are still together, happy and understanding with each other.

2.) It helped me to handle the situations that developed along the way that caused suicidal thoughts.

3.) As Stephanie pointed out;
That said, I will tell you that what I learned from therapy was that I was a woman, and I needed to begin to live as one.


Dawn

[NiCo]

My therapist isn’t good at all, he tried to get me to attend extra appointments but I told him clearly I only wanted to attend when it was necessary and relevant in my "transition". If not? He can sing for it cause it’s not happening. I don’t like going to places like that because I don’t like talking about my feelings and would rather not if it is just going to be me talking about stuff that happened in the past that should remain there, it doesn’t help me, it helps nothing in my life. Moving on helps me more, I can process it in my own time and “bin it”. So, to answer…therapy doesn’t help me, talking doesn’t help, getting things done and dusted is the only thing that helps.

=] everyone is different I guess.

[Brooke Smith]

I've never been to therapy but i found this a most interesting and informative post.

I had been of the opinion that gender therapy was a high cost way to have someone counsel me about something I pretty much already knew and because of circumstances, would be unable to act on the information anyway.

To some extent for me this remains true,however after reading some of your replies I completely see the value in it. I just wish this information had been available to me 30 years ago and I had found someone like Angel.Marie76's therapist. Clearly,even today,I would find a counselor with her background, time and money well spent to help resolve issues I continue to have regardless of what path I follow in the future.

And once again ,thank you all for being so open and honest.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It is interesting how varied the opinions are...

i guess there are some folks that don't need therapy, some folks that are beyond help!!:devil:, some folks that had good therapists and some that didnt..

I do think there is so much information, that it would benefit just about anybody to have the opportunity to talk to a knowledgeable and supportive professional, if only to get hooked up with other patients that are going through the same thing you are...nothing beats sitting down for a couple hours with someone that has already been through what you are planning.

It's a shame that these helpful pros are hard to find

[Melissa A.]

I happened to be lucky enough find a therapist who is a pretty widely known expert in this field. I also had a few secondary issues that may not have been directly trans-related, but I'm not sure they didn't exist, or wouldn't have existed if I hadn't been trans. I learned that I'm stronger than anything that I have, or will have to confront in my life. Simple concept. Harder than it sounds.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[helenr]

As I reread the thoughtful posts, I begin to note that while anyone on the path to SRS has many apprehensions, there is at least some clarity that this is the route to take (i.e. that you are convinced you are a female inside and wish to have the physical match the mental).
For me, and possibly many others, there is a sense of tight rope walking going on. Other than an orchi, I cannot truly consider SRS as I don't want to become a woman, just want to be an 'inbetweener'. That creates a real dilemma for me, and perhaps others. It is as though, I don't know what/who I am. It would surely benefit to find the right counselor and I will try again in 2010, as it might be nice to learn this-if it can be deduced. Best to all, Helen

[kristyk]

I tried everything before therapy

Doctors found I had a low test. level early in my life and they started pumping test. into me which made me into a mad man so I stopped it about gave up, Then I decided to see a gender therapist hoping looking at my problem from the other side may help.

This is going to sound really easy but the therapist after seeing her for more visits than I can count and I was at a stalmate with moving forward. She said I want you to let your female side and only under the needed cercumstances will you bring your male side out. I want you to be Kristy as much as possible.

I'm not sure what happened but I have never looked back I do have my male side but it doesn't get in the way the way that it use to.

Kristi

[Beth-Lock]

As I reread the thoughtful posts, I begin to note that while anyone on the path to SRS has many apprehensions, there is at least some clarity that this is the route to take (i.e. that you are convinced you are a female inside and wish to have the physical match the mental).
For me, and possibly many others, there is a sense of tight rope walking going on. Other than an orchi, I cannot truly consider SRS as I don't want to become a woman, just want to be an 'inbetweener'. That creates a real dilemma for me, and perhaps others. It is as though, I don't know what/who I am. It would surely benefit to find the right counselor and I will try again in 2010, as it might be nice to learn this-if it can be deduced. Best to all, Helen

It seems to me that most gender therapists are used to getting patients that seriously want to be women and have their mind made up. That is why people like you and I, who do not fit this pattern, have difficulty connecting with a therapist. I wish I knew the answer. I guess I am in the process of finding out now.