Woman vs. Fear

[Spacey]

This closet dweller should really get out! I've keep this secret too long! My inner woman is fierce and ready to take me out! I need to tell my wife and I need to seek therapy. Fear is an awful feeling. It is a bad time for me to come out. I know, I know. When is it a good time? I'm laid off at the moment and my wife is mentally unhappy as well. Her Job is real hell and her self esteem at an all time low. We have two children in the picture. I'm afraid of loosing her. She is liberal but I don't know where she stands on gender issues. I know if she found out that I was at home playing dress-up and she was at that crappy job she would definitely kill me. I can't stop what I do, my gender identity is on a whirlwind. Suppressed this well until now. I drink too much I don't sleep and cry til I sleep. I hate keeping secrets! It's not in my nature so why this one. I'm on this forum for courage and support to come out. I know I should and I will. I just don't want anyone thinking less of me for not having done so yet. A good friend of mine has told me that this is a serious issue and to seek help. She is right and I will. I'll start with asking my doctor for proper counseling. This morning I'm very self aware for the first time. Don't hold it in!

Now I just have to hit this send button...;)

[GaleWarning]

Spacey, if I were you, I would not be in a hurry to tell your wife and kids. There is already too much stress in their lives right now.

Seeking therapy is a good idea. Your wife need only know (for now) that you are seeking help with depression brought on by being out of work. It will make sense to her and you will get her support for this.

I don't know how serious your drinking problem is, but an organisation like the AA offers enormous support and the tools which will enable you to turn your own personal life around, without incurring a HUGE cost. If it is applicable in your case, I urge you to seriously consider it as an option.

Fear not! The only thing to fear is fear itself and it seems to me that by seeking counseling you will (if you find a good, non-judgmental counselor) find the mechanisms you need to overcome your fear.

Good luck.

[LisaM]

Spacey,

I understand what you are going through---I am sure that many here will have lived through similar situations.

I, too, have suffered through waves of intense and prolonged gender dysphoria. While it never goes away, there are periods where the intensity is overwhelming and it sounds like you are suffering through a similar period.

I am not proud of the fact that I came out to my spouse nearly 10 years after we were married. While she is not overly supportive she is understanding of my condition.

Before coming out to her I spent a number of visits with a gender therapist getting to really understand myself. We talked a lot about being honest with my spouse. When I did finally tell her I was prepared with books, literature and eventually a few visits with the therapist both together and individually.

It was a very traumatic event for both of us---but with time, love and understanding we both got through it. It never really goes away for a spouse though--she is always left with the loss of what she felt was her husband and worse the lack of honesty from the beginning. It is difficult to overcome but it is not impossible. Life becomes more of a roller-coaster but the lying and hiding is no longer a part of it.

Good luck and get as much advice as you can before taking any action.

[Spacey]

Thanks so much. I have had therapy for depression before. Many years ago. Actually I don't think I did myself justice by leaving when I did. This was never brought to my therapists attention but she knew I wasn't totally open with her. I don't know if she is the right counselor fir this But maybe she or my doc can send me in the right direction? Last night/ early morning I didn't sleep but I didn't drink.

[FireflyGG]

GG weighing in here!

Step 1 is counselling. Don't come busting out of your panty drawer until you're stable. Right now doesn't sound like the best time for you to be making such huge decisions that could be life altering for everyone involved.

You need to work on all of the issues that you have, not just the CD related ones. Depression is an awful beast to combat. Been there, doing that, medicated for it. ;) It's an ongoing process and the worst times for me to ever make decisions are when I'm not sleeping, not functioning, uber emotional blah blah blah.

So get your backside into couselling and seek out someone who has extensive knowledge of gender issues. Should be quite a few in the GTA. I was looking at the Xpressions club and I really like the sound of them. Sounds like it offers a lot of support. I could be worth looking into a membership with them and finding out what resources they have to help you out.

Your wife has got a lot to deal with and it doesn't sound like she is in a receptive place in life to fully take it in and try to process it on top of everything else that is stressing her out. I think that once you're in counselling and feeling more stable you'll know when the time is right and then, thankfully, you have a counsellor who's already aware of your situation and some joint sessions will probably be beneficial.

Take it one step at a time, my friend :hugs:

[Holly]

Spacey the advice to get some counseling is good and you should follow through on it. But there are a couple of other things that need your attention now as well...
...if she found out that I was at home playing dress-up and she was at that crappy job she would definitely kill me...You need to be out looking for a job. The resentment your wife is going to have is going to be huge. You say that you love her and don't want to lose her. Actions speak louder than words. Unless there is an arrangement for you to stay home and take care of the children and the house, your full time job right now should be out pounding the streets and finding employment. It will add to your own self-esteem and take some of the pressure off your wife as well.

Secondly, drinking never solves anything and more often than not only complicates the situation. You need to get it under control now. If you can't do it on your own, contact AA... you can usually find them in the phone book.

[giuseppina]

Hello Spacey

If the crossdressing doesn't spoil your marriage, the drinking certainly will, eventually.

From the little bit you've told us, you may need antidepressants to get yourself out of the hole you're in. Please make an appointment with your family doctor today. They deal with this sort of thing regularly. Aside to those outside Canada: In Canada, doctor's salaries are paid by the government though monies generated by taxation.

If s/he refers you, stay away from anyone associated with reparative therapy in respect to the gender issues. That will do far more harm than good, and two of the main proponents of this misguided theory work in Toronto.

Antidepressants have some side effects, but nothing like those of alcohol.

Good luck in your quest to beat depression.:hugs:

[Spacey]

Wow! I asked for support and definitely got it. Thanks everyone. FireflyGG you are right. I need a general tune up of sorts. Time to lay everything out to the right therapist. Holly I have some work coming to me soon. I have a few business ventures out side of my day job and projects and orders are starting to take shape. In the meantime I'm looking elsewhere as well. I will ultimately address the drinking with everything else. In the mean time I will stop the self pity drinking. I'm feeling really confident in my ability to go forward starting today. I feel really good about myself right now. Thank you all!

[tricia_uktv]

Yes, time honey time. Try to go away from home, away from your wife to try things out and see how you go. I can feel the same steely determination I had when I started taking this seriously. I have managed to get away with things so far but then thats more by luck than judgement. By the way I'm happier than I've ever been before although my life is really hard. You look lovely Spacey and could make a fine job of it ..... but tread carefully. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[Spacey]

Thanks Giuseppina! I was some what aware of the resistance from some professionals around here. I will have to do my homework and so will my doctor.

[kateyliz]

Spacey, if I were you, the first thing I would do is to work on helping thie wife to restore her self esteem and then I would take action on the excellent advice you have received from the others who have posted. Hugs, Kathy

[Spacey]

Spacey, if I were you, the first thing I would do is to work on helping thie wife to restore her self esteem and then I would take action on the excellent advice you have received from the others who have posted. Hugs, Kathy

I do and continue to do so. It's a long process when we are both not a hundred percent.

[linnea]

One of the best pieces of advice I received from this forum had to do with knowing your reasons and feelings about crossdressing before you tell anyone else, especially your family.
i took that advice to heart and really worked on the questions posted here related to telling your SO.
I had worked on those questions before I told my (grown) children, and the efforts to clarify my own thinking served me well. One of my sons commented that he was impressed with how thoroughly I had thought about my crossdressing and how sincere I was in the way that I expressed myself about it and how I answered his questions.
My daughter's husband commented that he thought that I was very "eloquent" in my statements and answers to his and my daughter's questions.
I am not saying this to brag but to encourage you to do two things:
1. Go slowly.
2. Work on coming to deep and thorough self-understanding about your crossdressing (counseling may help you; using the questions and ideas on this site may help you too).
Good luck.

[Fab Karen]

Definitely get some therapy if you can. Drinking only makes you feel worse- it's a depressant and a bad thing to mix with feeling down. Take it from an expert ( now sober over 16 years ).
After things are going a bit better would be a better time to come out.

[CherylFlint]

"I drink too much" is your quote, not mine. You want the truth? Or do you all want us to feel sorry for you? The truth is to lay off the alcohol. No alcohol, smoke, drugs. And stop feeling sorry for yourself. I was in the Navy for six years and couldn't dress but I made it, and so can you.
In order to view reality as it really is you have to be straight, and drinking sure doesn't help anyone, including your wife, but, more importantly, your children.
Face up to it, we are ALL, in some form or fashion, in the same boat you're in. As long as you have your health, you've half the battle won.
Stop wasting your money on booze and smokes and stop wasting your time on being negative. You can beat being depressed by starting to take care of yourself. Having a healthy complextion starts by BEING healthy, silly. And the better compextion we have, the better we look. If you've extra pounds, stop eating.
Quit drinking. Believe me, the world is a nicer place without alcohol.

[giuseppina]

Spacey, if I were you, the first thing I would do is to work on helping thie wife to restore her self esteem and then I would take action on the excellent advice you have received from the others who have posted. Hugs, Kathy

kateyliz, I'm afraid I disagree. It is not an 'either/or' proposition. The best method is both at once.

Spacey and her SO have some serious issues to work out. Spacey has problems with depression, and from what she's written here, her wife is not in the best of shape. They both should be seeing their family doctor(s) forthwith (if they aren't already) to work out a plan to resolve their issues, and the next while will not be easy for them. Mental health issues affect every member of the household.

Spacey, it may take a few tries to get a set of medications that are effective with side effects that you can live with. Everyone responds differently to a given medication. It takes two or three months to relieve symptoms.

Medications do not, however, help with the negative thought patterns that go with depression. That requires changing the thought patterns to something more positive, and will be part of the plan to get you and your wife feeling better about yourselves. That is the hard work of overcoming these issues. Unfortunately, things may get worse before they get better. You may feel that you are better off apart, but changes in living arrangements are not a good idea until you've worked things through unless one partner becomes or is abusive.

[Spacey]

Took the first steps today. I have an appointment with my doctor.

[giuseppina]

That's great, Spacey. You've started a process that may take a year or three to get through and it will not be easy. Please encourage your SO to get an appointment with her doctor, as she is likely to have some issues as well.

Someone mentioned that alcohol and street drugs are not a good idea. I agree. These substances occasionally interact with antidepressants in a way that magnifies or diminishes the effects of both. Please don't take the chance.

I've been on antidepressants for years and I don't drive within 3 hours of drinking the equivalent of one drink.

Tobacco isn't quite so menacing. That doesn't mean it's a good idea, however.

Good luck. :hugs:

[FireflyGG]

Took the first steps today. I have an appointment with my doctor.

I'm proud of you. Properly medicated vs self medicating can make a world of a difference. :hugs: